Reload

Shank's Saturday column focuses on Ray Allen and his shooting performances over the past two games.

I knew Ray Allen was going to come out of it (whatever you say, Shank - ed). I mean, this guy is really dedicated.

You heard about Ray, right? Just eight hours after missing all 13 of his shots in Game 3, there was a sighting of Allen jacking up threes at HealthPoint in Waltham at 7:30 a.m. Wednesday.

Halfway through the column, we're informed that Shank just bullshitted his way through:

Actually, I made all of that up. Ray takes a lot of pride in his shooting. But he doesn’t need to go all over town to break out of a one-game slump. He has his routine.

And Shank has his.

UPDATE - This column was Friday's, not Saturday's.

Celtics 96, Lakers 89

Shank's Friday column recaps the Game 4 win over the L.A. Lakers, complete with a 1:56 video of Shank summarizing the game from the parquet floor. Makes you want to click & watch, doesn't it?

Fadin' Away

Shank recaps last night's Celtics loss to the Lakers with a semi-inspired, cliche riddled column.

You want some lame wordplay?

The Phil Jackson Five took a punch in the mouth...

Clever alliteration?

...a grand and grueling match of modern mastodons.

All Tied Up

Shank recaps last night's Celtics road win over the Lakers. Keeping up with the movie themes,

If Game 1 was “Ishtar,’’ Game 2 was “The Godfather.’’

Talkin' Smack

Shank reports on Pau Gasol's comments concerning Kevin Garnett:

“On Kevin’s part, he’s also lost some explosiveness,’’ said Gasol. “He’s more of a jump shooter now, you could say . . . time passes and we all suffer it one way or another.’’

Game 2 should be interesting.

Lakers 102, Celtics 89

Shank reviews Game 1 of the 2010 NBA Finals, which can be summed up with a somewhat overstated paragraph:

Dustin Hoffman had “Ishtar’’ and now the Celtics have Game 1 of the 2010 Finals. These were the bad old Celtics who played .500 ball over the last 54 games of the regular season.

Comparing last night's loss to perhaps the worst movie ever made is a massive insult, but I expect no less from the Globe's 'ace' sports columnist.

Shank Previews Game 1

Shank's courtside for a one minute preview of tonight's game, complete with a semi-unicorn look to compliment the afro.

Hardwood Houdinis

Shank's in LA covering the Celtics - Lakers final, and treats us to a decent column. Bob Cousy gives his take on Rajon Rondo, and it's worth reading in its entirety. Really.

UPDATE at 5:55 PM - Link to article included. Sorry about that!

Timeless

Shank offers up a by-the-numbers Celtics - Lakers column, the proforma walk down memory lane. One spot-on, relevant Celtics reference is noted:

Winning a second one is important to every Celtics team. Less than an hour after the Celtics defeated the Magic in Game 6 Friday night, a reporter asked coach Doc Rivers, “Does it almost take a second championship with the group to cement yourself in history — because of all the winning that’s come before you?’’

Ever media friendly, never disposed to ignore the obvious (imagine how Bill Belichick would have handled that question), Rivers admitted, “Obviously, one is special, but the other groups have a couple and we’d like to join that club.’’

Great answer. Honest. It demonstrates that Rivers is capable of thinking like a fan.

For Shank, the fact that he's only shitting on Belichick every fifth column is a sign of progress. Readers, rejoice!

The True Believer

After the Celtics win game six over the Magic, Shank proudly declares himself the vanguard of the Celtics bandwagon:

Wyc Grousbeck accepted the trophy from Dave Cowens, hoisted it with both arms, and repeated the mantra of all winners of the last 40 years . . .

“Nobody believed in this team,’’ said the Celtics owner.

Au contraire, Mr. Moneybags.

I believed in these Celtics when “nobody believed.’’ And I can prove it.

Before shamelessly wading deeper into this pool of indulgence and self-congratulation, let’s get something straight: I am almost always wrong about these things. I said there was no way the Red Sox were going to win the World Series after they lost Game 3 of the 2004 ALCS. I said the Patriots would win the Super Bowl in Glendale, Ariz. I bought stock in Tweeter and Circuit City. I said David Ortiz was done. I predicted “Gigli’’ would win best picture. I delayed getting a cellphone because I thought it was a fad that would fade over time.

But I saw this Celtic run coming back in March when things looked hopeless. And it’s all in print.

When you water down your predictions with qualifiers and caveats, you're really trying to have it both ways in case things go south. The mention of all his bad predictions is merely a smokescreen for this fact.

To see it in action, take Shank's latest "prediction":

So this is it. Celtics win banner No. 18.

I haven’t felt this good about a pick since I bet the house on the Bruins in Game 7.

He was pretty upbeat about that game, wasn't he?

Looking On The Bright Side

I was thinking of posting last night about the subject of Shank's next column. Would it be about, for instance, the Red Sox getting swept? World Cup soccer? Tour de France? In this case, it was the bloody obvious:

It . . . cannot . . . possibly . . . happen . . . again.

But there is doubt. There is a lingering sense of dread. The Orlando Magic are Glenn Close, lifeless and submerged in the bathtub, but we are afraid she may yet rise out of the water and try to cut out our heart. One more time.

Let’s try some numbers, shall we? Big league baseball, basketball, and hockey have been playing best-of-seven series for more than 100 years, and in that time, 287 teams have taken leads of three games to none (thank you, Elias Sports Bureau). Only four teams have recovered from 3-0 to win the series. And now it’s going to happen twice within a span of 16 days? In the same city?

Still, we fret. We are damaged because of the Bruins. We are like the proverbial dog that has been kicked too many times. Every motion made in our direction causes us to recoil.

Do I have to remind anyone?

Some questions answer themselves.

Beat L.A! Beat L.A.!

You can practically hear Shank yelling it from the rooftop after the Celtics torched the Orlando Magic last night. One win away from the NBA finals, Shank reflects on the Celtic's season:

Some day this will all make sense. We will look back at the season of 2009-2010 and wonder why there was any concern about the pedestrian (50-32) regular-season Celtics. We will clearly see that the fourth-place finish in the Eastern Conference and all the blown double-digit leads meant nothing. We will wonder how we ever doubted them.

No need to wonder, Shank. You remember - big on attitude, low on work ethic, old as the hills and all that.

Shank gives the Celtics defense tons of credit, but...

Orlando has a roster of frauds with some explaining to do:

Could it be that Orlando simply got their asses kicked in Game 3, or must they be 'frauds'? You know, like this guy?

Round out the column with a Randy Moss cheap shot and the ubiquitous Red Sox reference (go forth and read it, for it is lame), and it's fishwrap time.

Despite The Win...

Shank had a lot of time to assemble the most negative article about the 2010 Red Sox so far this year. It does contain many of the themes from earlier columns (run prevention, shaky starting pitching, Ortiz, etc.) but it's noteworthy for a few added tidbits:

Mike Lowell is clearly miffed. The Sox traded him last winter, but reluctantly took him back when the deal was voided. Now he’s sharing the DH spot with David Ortiz, but Ortiz was given the start last night even though the Sox were facing the lefty Sabathia. Lowell spoke at some length in front of his locker after the lineup was posted, said he has no role on the team, and suggested all parties might benefit if the Sox release him.

Francona was not happy with Lowell and when asked about the aging third baseman would only say, “He hasn’t said anything to me.’’

...

Meanwhile we have Ortiz, who has been coddled and protected by his bosses, yet sees a conspiracy in which the Boston brass is using NESN as a weapon to turn fans against the slugger. In an impressive opus for ESPN.com, Howard Bryant uncovered the Ortiz conspiracy theory and also reported that sources in the Sox front office claim Ortiz left the ballpark early in Toronto April 27.

Asked about leaving a game early, Ortiz last night said, “That’s a lie.’’ Francona also disputed the report.

Let’s not forget Matsuzaka and Victor Martinez. V-Mart was clearly annoyed with Dice-K shaking him off in the first inning Monday and said, “I don’t know. He’s the one . . . I’m just back there trying to help him go through the game. At the end, he’s the one who has the ball in his hand.’’

Francona and pitching coach John Farrell gathered Dice-K and Martinez for a clear-the-air meeting yesterday.

Matsuzaka further confused his bosses by claiming that he knows why he’s having one bad inning per start, but he doesn’t want to reveal the reason. It’s pretty clear Matsuzaka has worn out his welcome with the Sox. He’s never been viewed as a team guy and his performance and manner are getting under everyone’s skin.

Plenty of negative things here, but what's lacking is Shank's trademark viciousness. Then again, so is the petty vindictiveness. I wonder why he's holding back?

Tortured

That's the way Shank describes last night's Red Sox loss to the Yankees.

The 2010 Red Sox sank to a new low last night when Jonathan Papelbon surrendered a pair of two-run homers in the bottom of the ninth in an excruciating 11-9 loss to the Yankees. The late-night implosion erased a noble comeback in which the Sox recovered from a 6-1 deficit (next bus to Lake Wobegon for you, Dice-K) to take a 9-7 lead on five home runs in the Bronx bandbox.

Seasons are defined on nights like this and it looks like these Red Sox might be remembered as the Lost Boys of 2010. With almost a quarter of the season gone, Run Prevention has morphed into Win Prevention. This is the latest the Sox have been under .500 in a season since Nomar Garciaparra was a rookie in 1997.

Run prevention, shaky pitching, losing close / winnable games - Shank has plenty to write about all summer.

UPDATE at 1:14 P.M. - Deadspin piles on again.

The Curse Of Bobby Orr

That's the suggested title of Shank's next book, to which he's just added the latest chapter:

The Grapes of Wrath or the Wrath of Grapes?

Only the Bruins could lose a 3-0 lead twice in the same series.

Only the Bruins could lose a Game 7 on a power-play goal after getting called for too many men on the ice.

Are you kidding me? Watching the Bruins blow a series on a too-many-men penalty is like watching the 2010 Red Sox lose a one-game playoff on a homer hit by a guy named Bucky.

How original - yet another Red Sox reference in a non-Red Sox column! Proof positive that Shank doesn't (as he stated some years ago) write for the fans, he writes to irritate the fans.

The rest of the article is standard Shank. Targets abound in the blame game - players, coaching, management. The best low blow Shank bestows on any manager is the Claude Julien comparison to Grady Little. Nary a word of blame, however, is placed on owner Jeremy Jacobs, legendary cheapskate.

Give Shank Some Credit

... for his ballsy call in the wake of the Celtics' win over the Cavaliers tonight.

City of Brotherly Love

Shank does a Boston - Philadelphia sports history column before last night's 2 - 1 Bruins loss to the Flyers. It's a pretty good column, with obligatory cheap shots (the 'run prevention' Red Sox and The Big Blowhard) thrown in for good measure.

Thrashed

Shank contributes his occasional Bruins column today. True to form, it comes after a painful 4 - 0 shutout, courtesy of the Flyers.

Even by Shank's standards, this is a subpar column. References abound to the Red Sox, and a Shank column just isn't the same without a bunch of references to lame, dated song lyrics. Add in a pair of tenuous assertions:

Sad, but true: The 2009-10 Philadelphia Flyers are scaring the daylights out of New England by summoning the ghosts of Messrs. Millar, Schilling, Damon, and Vinatieri, er, Varitek.

...

Six days ago the Bruins beat the Flyers in Philly, 4-1, to take a 3-0 series lead. We all figured the Flyers would roll over at home in Game 4.

...and you have another fine piece of work from the Boston Globe's 'ace' sports columnist. Compare and contrast this 'effort' to the one he wrote yesterday for CNN / SI; it's like night & day.

A sixth seed is playing a seventh seed and it never seems to occur to Shank that this might be the logical outcome of said series.

Great Moments In Boston Mayor Speech Giving History

To those of you unfamiliar with the Churchillian oratory prowess of the current mayor of Boston, I present the most recent example:

Menino was talking about great athletic feats in Boston history, and called them “ionic” moments (see the :35 second mark).

Ion storms are dangerous. We've been warned!

Maybe he meant bionic? Who the hell knows?

But wait - there's more!

“In Boston, we have an amazing set of remarkable athletes whose actions have become ionic (sic) in sports,” Menino said. “Havlicek stole the ball, Fisk waiving the ball fair, Flutie launching the Hail Mary pass, Varitek splitting the uprights.”

What Mayor Menino meant to say was kicker Adam Vinatieri’s name. Vinatieri booted the game-winning 48-yard field goal in 2002 to help the New England Patriots beat the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl, 20-17, as time expired.

Something got booted, all right...

Panic Button

After the Red Sox got clobbered again by the Yankees on Saturday, 14 - 3, Shank unloads on the front office:

I don’t want to panic or overreact, but is it possible the Red Sox season is already over?

If Shank didn't panic or overreact, half his columns would disappear.

Was run prevention a giant sack of fool’s gold?

Did Theo Epstein know this might be coming when he talked about the bridge year?

I’m being silly, right? The Sox (ghoulish 14-3 losers to the Yankees yesterday) have played only 31 games, 20 percent of the schedule. In past years we have seen 14-game deficits erased after July 20. There’s tons of time. The season has only just begun.

Thus the tone for the rest of the column is set. We are treated to a few standard Shankisms ('Your Sox', 'Theo and the minions', 'immortal') and lots of doom and gloom with respect to the upcoming road trip. The only thing missing is an explicit 'I told you so' from Shank.

In other words, it's a standard Shank column.

UPDATE at 1:12 PM - Deadspin piles on.

Shelled... and Shanked

Choosing between last night's trio of Celtics, Bruins and Red Sox games was difficult for most of us 'root root root' types (I went with Celtics & Bruins myself). Shank chose the Red Sox and watched as Josh Beckett got shelled in the sixth inning. Another deployment of the annoying and overused 'immortal' is noted in reference to Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli.

Earlier in the week Shank summed up Game 2 of Celtics - Cavaliers, a blowout win for the Celtics. Last night, Cleveland returned serve.

I Love Cleveland

Expecting a column on last night's Celtics win over the Cavaliers, and the first good game from Rasheed Wallace since joining the team, we are instead treated to Shank's new favorite city:

CLEVELAND — I love this town.

That’s right. Cleveland. You call it “The Mistake By the Lake.’’ You make it a punch line for every Rust Belt joke.

Not me. I call it a once-great American city in need of a comeback . . . and a championship, of course.

No fooling. Cleveland is great. It’s got a real downtown. It’s got clean, wide streets that are (unfortunately) never crowded with traffic nor people. Cleveland’s got cab drivers who speak English and know their way around town. Many of them remember when Jim Brown toted the pigskin for the Browns and when Rocky Colavito hit majestic homers for the Tribe.

It's a decent article but would have been better timed between Games 1 and 2.

Stack 'Em High

Shank focuses on LeBron James in yesterday's dispatch from Cleveland. While recognizing the two-time MVP as the best player in the league, he states the semi-obvious: LeBron needs to win championships to be considered one of the greatest to ever play the game. That's interesting, considering how he leads off:

Sorry, I know this is sacrilegious, but I’ll always be a Wilt Chamberlain guy. The man averaged 50 points and more than 48 minutes per game over an entire season. His dominance forced multiple rule changes, including widening the lane.

You can’t go wrong with Bill Russell, of course. He won 11 championships in 13 NBA seasons. Russell never lost an NCAA Tournament game, an Olympic game, or a Game 7. Including Game 5’s (in best-of-five series), Russell went 21-0 in those contests.

You can't go wrong, but sometimes you manage to...

Old School

Shank offers a few reasons why the Celtics lost to the Cavaliers last night:

And then it was just . . .

Old.

...

And then the big lead evaporated faster than you could say “Rasheed Wallace.’’

...

...but in the end it was the Celtics who looked worn down.

Old bones.

...

This is the last roundup for the old guard.

Old starters and Rasheed Wallace, The Human Pylon. This will be a tough series to watch.

Going Green

Our Danny Boy repeats his prediction from nearly a fortnight ago:

The Celtics will beat the Cavaliers in Round 2 of the NBA playoffs.

There. I said it.

Call me a knucklehead. Call me old-school. Call me a fool (Cedric Maxwell did). This was my pick before the start of the playoffs.

It's right there in black and white, on the sports pages of The Boston Globe on April 15:

"I'm picking the old green guys to at least make it to the Eastern Conference Finals. That means they'll beat Miami in the first round, then beat Cleveland in the second round.''

I think he's putting too much faith in Rasheed Wallace coming through in any meaningful way, and he's definitely putting way too much stock in the following:

The Cavaliers carry the weight of all Cleveland teams that failed in the last half-century. They are burdened by Earnest Byner's fumble and John Elway's Drive, and Jose Mesa spitting the bit in the 1997 World Series. Clevelanders live with the Curse of Rocky Colavito. The Cavaliers have not recovered from the stunning loss to the Magic in last year's conference finals. They play with the pressure of knowing that LeBron might be gone at season's end.

You know, you could probably write a book on such a phenomenon...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing

Since Shank cannot be bothered to write about two professional sports teams currently in the playoffs (Bruins & Celtics) or the Red Sox for the past four days, here's something to pass the time - is it called cause and effect?

Circulation at major newspapers around the country, including The Boston Globe and The Boston Herald, continued to drop as more readers get their news online, according to new figures released today.

The Globe's daily circulation fell 23.2 percent to 232,432 in the six-month period that ended in March, compared to the same period a year ago, according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations. The Globe's Sunday circulation dropped 18.8 percent to 378,949.

The trend seems to be accelerating.

One commenter insists that the Globe ain't going anywhere. Wouldn't the environment be better served with less newspapers printed, thus saving key portions of the rainforest?

More Hondo, And More

You turn your back for one day, and what happens? Shank comes out with three columns, that's what.

Shank compares Glen Davis to Hondo and other Celtics:

No problem. In the proud tradition of Frank Ramsey, John Havlicek, and Kevin McHale, Glen Davis reminded us that he’s good enough to start every night in the NBA. Baby Grande torched the Heat last night, scoring a bull-rush 23 points with eight rebounds in 29 minutes of a too-easy 106-77 Game 2 victory.

Shank then doubles up on Beatles (ok, one John Lennon) song references when discussing Red Auerbach:

Kevin Garnett, Boston’s most important player, could not play in the second game of the Celtics-Heat first-round playoff series. When Kendrick Perkins and Jermaine O’Neal jumped center just after 8 p.m., Garnett was reported to be watching from an office inside the New Garden. The combustible KG was serving a one-game suspension for throwing an elbow in a stupid incident that unfolded near the Miami bench in the final minute of Game 1.

Red never would have allowed this to happen. In Red’s world, you instigate, then let the other team get penalized for hitting back. Or maybe you send Jim Loscutoff into a game to mix it up with Wilt Chamberlain, hoping they both get ejected. You’ll gladly swap Loscy for Wilt. It’s a good deal for the Celtics.

Losing Garnett while the Heat lose no one? That’s a horrible deal. It’s an example of the Celtics getting whupped at the game Red invented.

It would not be incorrect to say that Red wrote the book on basketball gamesmanship. Because . . . Red literally wrote the book on basketball gamesmanship.

Then Shank watched the Bruins in double overtime while working in a Simon & Garfunkel reference:

The Bruins last night beat the Sabres, 3-2, on Miroslav Satan’s backhander past Ryan Miller in the eighth minute of the second overtime. Boston takes a 3-1 series lead back to Niagara Falls tomorrow night.

After a spring in which we worried about early tee times for our winter franchises, the Celtics and Bruins are both on track to make it into the second round. Certainly there will be no sounds of silence on Causeway Street this month.

Marathon Man

Shank covers two Boston sporting events on Monday:

Early in the afternoon, there were thousands of people running toward Kenmore Square, their faces twisted, their pain obvious at the end of an excruciating ordeal. Some needed medical treatment.

Those were the Red Sox fans, beating feet out of Fenway Park after another hideous (8-2) loss to the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Marathon runners? Most of them were doing pretty well by comparison. Running 26.2 miles is a piece of cake compared with watching the local baseball team these days. In April 2010, the Fenway mound is Heartbreak Hill.

The Celtics New Star - Hondo?

In the giddy aftermath of the Celtics 85-76 win over the Heat last night, Shank cuts loose with some serious bullshit:

Those Celtics had a star in his prime named John Havlicek, and who would have guessed that mercurial Tony Allen would morph into the Hondo of the new century?

It’s true. Allen was Mr. Sixth Man last night, beating the Heat with All-Star defense and a surprise surge of scoring. He played 29 Havlicekian minutes, scoring 14 points with three steals and two blocks, guarding Dwyane Wade for most of the second half. All this came on the night Allen won the Comcast SportsNet Sixth Star Award.

“The key for us was the defense Tony Allen did on Dwyane Wade,’’ said Celtics captain Paul Pierce.

Tony had a good game, granted, but now he's the new Hondo? This notion is too absurd to need refuting.

Not absurd is the following observation:

As for “Big Game’’ Rasheed Wallace, he scored 4 points with one rebound in 14 minutes. Maybe he’s saving his energy for the next round.

It takes a lot of energy for a 6' 10" forward to hang out near the top of the key and jack up three pointers...

Steppin' Up

That was Shank's challenge to the Boston Celtics, who host the Miami Heat for the first round of playoff basketball.

Shank makes another fearless prediction:

I’m picking the old green guys to at least make it to the Eastern Conference finals. That means they’ll beat Miami in the first round, then beat Cleveland in the second round.

That’s right. They’ll beat Cleveland. The Cavs have the best record in basketball and they have LeBron James, but the Celtics match up well with Cleveland and the Cavaliers know it.

I hope they can pull this off, but I won't be this bold.

Shank also throws in a column during a rain delay. These aren't the highest quality of column types, but at least it's a good use of time during a rain delay.

And Now For Some Boston Globe Bashing

After months of grueling, contentious negotiations with the Boston Globe's parent company, the New York Times, the Boston Newspaper Guild agreed to huge pay cuts designed to save $10 million for the struggling regional newspaper in an industry in a death spiral.

How does the ownership of the New York Times express solidarity with their union members? By rewarding themselves with massive pay raises!

Top executives at the beleaguered New York Times Company reaped hefty rewards last year, with Chairman Arthur "Pinch" Sulzberger more than doubling his total compensation to $6 million.

CEO Janet Robinson got even more, reaping $6.3 million, a 31.9 percent hike.

The pay numbers were disclosed in Securities and Exchange Commission filings yesterday.

The increases come against a backdrop of declining ad revenue, layoffs, frozen pension plans, unpaid vacations and a 5 percent pay cut for most of the rank-and-file workers last year.

Reaction to the executive compensation restructuring was wholly supportive:

"Our members are really unhappy with what is happening," said Bill O'Meara, master of the understatement president of the Newspaper Guild of New York. "They made a voluntary sacrifice to give up some of their pay to help the company out. People are losing their jobs still."

One corporate governance expert warned that even if a publicly traded company's compensation committee OK'd the compensation, it could backfire in the court of public opinion.

"I think the board may want to weigh the consequences of rewarding their executives, who may be worthy of the increases, against the damage that may occur to the company's reputation," said William Sannwald, a business professor at San Diego State University.

Michael Golden, a first cousin of Pinch's who is vice chairman and chief operating officer of the Times' Regional Media Group, took home $2.4 million in total compensation last year, up 71 percent. CFO Jim Folo received a 20 percent boost, earning $1.3 million.

In other words, 60 percent of the monetary concessions made by the Boston Newspaper Guild went into the pockets of three New York Times executives. It's worth remembering this the next time the Boston Globe / New Your Times editorial writers sanctimoniously lecture you about the virtues of unions while their ownership is simultaneously pissing on their own unions...

Save The Environment By Recycling!

Shank follows up his Thursday Globe David Ortiz column with a Monday David Ortiz column at the CNN / SI website. He borrows aplenty from the Thursday column, updates it for a few more weak Ortiz games, and voila! It's nice to know Shank cares enough about his environment to recycle.

This one from the CNN / SI article jumped out at me (emphasis added):

There's also speculation that he used performance-enhancing drugs. Last summer The New York Times revealed that Ortiz was among one of the 104 major leaguers who tested positive when all players submitted to drug testing in 2003. The Major League Players Association rushed to Ortiz' defense and childish Sox owner John Henry stated, "David said he didn't do it,'' but the damage was done.

While I don't expect Shank to be a lapdog to ownership, his current attitude towards Henry stands in sharp contrast to this column from October 2008. With respect to this one item, my opinion of Shaughnessy is somewhere between 'typical Shank backstabbing' and 'classless prick'.

Man For All Seasons

Shank keeps the Boston College theme going for another article, writing about BC's athletic director Gene DeFilippo and the 24 / 7 search for a basketball coach that resulted in the hiring of Cornell's Steve Donahue.

We Are The Champions

Boston College wins its fourth national championship in hockey last night, defeating Wisconsin 5 - 0. Shank waxes ecstatic about the composition of the team:

The BC goalie is from East Falmouth. One of the captains is from Milton, Massachusetts. They’ve got players from Weymouth, Boxford, Springfield, Reading, Braintree, Dorchester, Shrewsbury, and Needham. They’ve got a skater from Biddeford, Maine, and another one from Wallingford, Conn.

Oh, the coach is a New Englander, too. Try to find somebody in Watertown who hasn’t bumped into Jerry York at the Dunkin’ Donuts on Mt. Auburn Street.

So glad Shank's shredding that parochial New England attitude...

Hockeytown

Shank pens a pair of pretty good articles about Boston College's hockey team and the senior captains (three from the hockey team, one from the baseball team) that share the same dorm room / apartment on the BC campus.

BC plays the Badgers of Wisconsin tonight for the college hockey championship. Win or lose, expect Shank to make at least one cheesy reference in tomorrow's column.

Go Eagles!

The Decline And Fall

...of David Ortiz is the topic du jour of Shank's Thursday column. Although it may seem shortsighted to give Ortiz this much scrutiny this early into the season, there were plenty of signs over the past two years that Ortiz has peaked as a batter, so Shank's not exactly treading new ground here. Maybe Ortiz turns it around, maybe he doesn't, but there's not a lot of room for optimism on this subject.

Two Down, 160 To Go

Shank recaps the last two Red Sox games. While there are many good points made in the article, Shank can barely contain his glee when sarcastically writing about the 'Run Prevention Sox':

■ You knew it was going to be bad when the Run Prevention Sox made their first error of 2010. And it was. The Sox and Yankees were locked in a 4-4 game in the eighth last night when Derek Jeter hit a routine grounder to short with two on and two out. Marco Scutaro’s throw bounced in front of Kevin Youkilis and everybody was safe.

What could we say other than, “Lugo would have made the play, Renteria would have made the play, Nick Green would have made the play’’? Naturally, Hideki Okajima walked the next batter and the Yankees went ahead, 5-4, on the way to a 6-4 win. It’ll probably be Boston’s only unearned run all season, but it hurt nonetheless.

Shank writes about Odd Couples:

■ There’s a catching problem in New York. Last night’s Yankee battery featured Burnett throwing to Jorge Posada. This is like pairing Nomar Garciaparra and Curt Schilling on the set of “Baseball Tonight.’’ It’s awkward. It’s two guys who don’t work well together and don’t care for one another.

You learn something new every day!

Shank then sets his sights on Red Sox ownership:

■ The Sox’ home sellout streak reached 552 last night. Boston’s immature owners (Tom Werner went on NESN’s pregame show last night and twice spanked “journalists’’ who raised questions about the club’s operation) want us to promote the brand and tell you that everything is swell in Red Sox Nation. But the sellout streak is in jeopardy, and some serious house-papering will be needed to keep the streak going this year.

So an owner defends his team against 'journalists', and somehow that makes him immature? Maybe there's something in those interviews that we didn't see, but don't you think Shank's probably taking this one personally? When I think immature owners, Mark Cuban comes to mind, and that's about it.

These dinosaur media types really hate it when they're challenged, don't they?

Dancin' With The Shanks

Shank's latest column focuses on yesterday's dog and pony show, know to the rest of us as Tiger Woods' latest press conference.

One of yesterday’s questions started with, “Tiger, after what you’ve been through the last five months . . .’’

Stop. This is not a guy coming back from flying 39 combat missions over Korea. This is not a guy coming back from leukemia or a death in the family. Let’s admit that some of the salacious stuff is none of our business, but could we please not paint Tiger Woods as a comeback hero? I fear that’s the way it’s going to be framed this week at friendly Augusta (“A tradition like no other’’).

It’s always been about image with Tiger and it’s no different now.

While I largely agree with these sentiments, compare and contrast this article with Shank's previous column on Tiger. It's fair to say the previous article stands in contrast with the current article.

In the middle of the 35-minute session, Tiger looked out at the group and said, “A lot of my friends are in here. A lot of you in here are my friends and will always be my friends.’’

Geez. Nomar and Schill never said that to me.

I think the word Shank is looking for here is 'asshole'.

When faced with a couple of tougher questions, Tiger went to his Bill Belichick playbook.

Asked what he was in treatment for, Woods said, “That’s personal. Thank you.’’

When Shank compares your answer to Bill Belichick, you know exactly where you stand with Shank. In the doghouse.

Red Sox Lead The A.L. East

Shank recaps last night's 9-7 Red Sox win over the Yankees. Even with the target rich environment of Pedro Martinez, Curt Schilling and Nomar Garciaparra, there were no cheap shots to be had in the column. Must be the Opening Day spirit...

Play Ball!

Shank hearlds the unofficial beginning of spring as the Red Sox take on the Yankees to open the 2010 season. It's a decent enough article, although it reads a bit tedious and underwhelming.

Running The Numbers

Shank doesn't actually run the numbers (that would be too much work), but he uses a few hundred words to say this:

Welcome to the world of run prevention and the quantification of defense. Say hello to your 2010 Red Sox, who will try to convince you that a team with Mike Cameron in center and Jacoby Ellsbury in left is better than a team with Ellsbury in center and Jason Bay (36 homers, 119 RBIs) in left.

Thus the template for the 2010 Boston Red Sox is set. If / when the Red Sox lose a couple of low-scoring games, he'll bang out a few columns citing the lack of offense as the reason while saying "I told you so". It's nice to know the lineup in advance...

A Righteous Column By Shaughnessy

Just read it.

Shank Goes National

Writing the obligatory underdog column about last night's Cornell (+8.5) vs. Kentucky basketball game results in lots of positive feedback from Wildcat fans:

■“You can have Boston, the Northeast, Ted Kennedy, and the Red Sox.’’

■“I’d be hard-pressed to think of a more inane, pointless profession than a sports writer — Wait, I got it . . . how about signholder — you know the guy who holds a small placard and stands right outside of the business he’s promoting. That guy . . . that’s who you are Dan.’’

■“You and many others, especially the eastern and northeastern press, love to hammer lowly ‘hillbilly’ Kentucky for no reason while lettin the same stuff we are accused of go unreported with northeastern teams.’’

■“You should be ashamed of your elitist self. Tough job market? For the Ivy League Cornell players, that’s laughable. Try the job market for Kentucky seniors. The Cornell players have been handed everything their entire lives.’’

■ “While many people in my state can only laugh at your intolerable lack of sports knowledge and your ‘please pick me’ infatuation with appealing to people’s underdog bones, I actually feel pity for you.’’

■“Your [sic, told you] a disgrace to your paper and your readers. Know your facts a little better before you go and play the ‘world against Cornell’ role up next time. Also, what exactly are you implying by using the words ‘bags of cash’ to run a Kentucky program?

■ “Boston makes Mississippi and Alabama look progressive on race relations — proud of that, are ya?’’

■“I am a graduate of the University of Kentucky from the year of our Lord 2008, and I take superlative umbrage to your comments regarding the Cornell/UK basketball game.’’

Thanks to Shank, the image of the stodgy, elitist New Englander is further entrenched...

Grinding The Axe

Following Nomar Garciaparra's 'retirement' as a member of the Red Sox last week, Shank dreams up other Red Sox retirement scenarios involving Roger Clemens, Manny Ramirez, Grady Little and Jurrasic Carl Everett, with some sand kicked in the face of Lou Merloni.

The one word summary - pathetic.

Lack of Effort

That's Shank's basic complaint about the Bruins in their 3-0 loss to Pittsburgh on Thursday night.

Two thoughts: I have a similar feeling after reading this column. And Shank has this knack for kicking a team when they're down...

Dave M Calls It

Well, not a tough call, mind you, but Dave M. comments in the previous thread:

I can hear Shaughnessy now - "he quit on the Sox" - "lasting image of him sulking as he watched Jeter dive over the rail...."; "he was never happy in boston" " he hated the media"; and "it's insidious to think he would actually work for espn" etc etc

God, please spare us

Let's see how close this prediction measures up to reality:

Dan Shaughnessy

In historically bad taste here

----------

Great player.

Total fraud.

Welcome home, Nomie.

I hate to be the turd fly in the punch bowl here, but yesterday’s lovefest involving Nomar Garciaparra and the Red Sox was truly nauseating. If Nomar had been hooked up to a polygraph, the machine would have exploded.

Funny how a guy who delighted in taking shot after shot at Nomar can write the following with no hint of irony:

Do not be fooled. Life is long and people change. There is certainly every possibility that Nomar has matured and will henceforth pledge allegiance to Boston and spread the Gospel of the Red Sox. But it’s downright fraudulent to deny or ignore how bad this relationship was at the end. Nomar hated Boston and the Red Sox in 2004, and the Sox knew they had to get rid of him if they had a chance to win a World Series. It was nasty and personal and it was obvious to everyone who was around the team in that iconic season.

Shank amply contributed to the situation he now mocks as fraudulent. I'd say that's a pretty strong example of hypocrisy, yes?

In yesterday’s sorry spirit of disingenuousness and hypocrisy, Garciaparra announced that he has taken a job with ESPN. This makes him a member of the media, which is like Sarah Palin telling us she is going to be chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

One wonders if Shank can review his columns on Nomar over the years and reach the same conclusion.

Walking Tall

Shank returns from sunny Fort Myers to watch Cohasset high school win its second girls basketball state championship. As with nearly all his articles that don't deal with professional athletes, it is well written and venom free. There's a bonus Red Auerbach mention; unfortunately there's no room for the obligatory Larry Bird reference.

Two In The Hat

The suddenly prolific Shank bangs out two more columns this weekend, profiling Jonathan Paplebon, or, as Yosemite Sam used to say in the last century:

It was the first time we’d seen the big galoot since he was pummeled in the final inning of the 2009 season - the one and only hiccup in an illustrious postseason career.

I think that was a compliment; we'll know for sure if Paplebon blows a few saves.

Shank then recycles a theme from two weeks ago, decrying the blandness of hanging out in nice weather for a few weeks. It shows up in this column, as he gets pissy about blog boys, robotic Sox players, cliché-talkin Sox players, The Bland Sox, pink hats, and (wait for it)...

Much as it kills me to say this, the Bland Sox could use a guy like the Big Blowhard right about now.

What's also bland is using the same theme from two weeks ago to write this column.

Believe The Hype

Shank lays it on thick in yesterday's column, discussing a young pitching prospect for the Sox:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - It was only one inning. It was against a college team. But maybe someday we’ll tell our grandchildren about it. Maybe someday City of Palms Park will be renamed “Casey Kelly Field.’’

...

And now he is a 20-year-old starter getting more hype than perhaps any pitcher in the Sox system since Roger Clemens was drafted after winning the 1983 College World Series at the University of Texas.

Kelly is 6 feet 3 inches, 195 pounds, and keeps his hair Hoosier-short. Everything about him says “future ace.’’ He is the second-highest-ranked Baseball America prospect in the Sox system. But unlike the young Clemens, he is poised, well-mannered, respectful, and cheerful. Kelly said the thing that made him most nervous yesterday was throwing to a veteran like Victor Martinez. He said Martinez wanted the young pitcher to shake him off a couple of times to confuse the hitters. Kelly couldn’t do it. Too green. Too polite.

Night In The Ruts

Proving once again that a week in Red Sox training camp means running out of things to write, Shank poses the eternal question:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Cup or no cup? That is the question.

It’s a delicate issue regarding a delicate area. The punch lines are infinite, but it’s not funny when a guy gets hit in his testicles and he’s not covered by the triangular hard-shell plastic designed to protect a man’s private parts.

I think I should have put a cup on before reading this article...

Aces High

In today's column Shank has few questions about the Red Sox starting pitching.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Three aces. Three guys who won the deciding game of a World Series. All before the age of 25.

Jon Lester was 23 when he got the start in the fourth game of the 2007 World Series. He pitched 5 2/3 shutout innings, allowing three hits and walking three with three strikeouts. Lester was the winning pitcher in the Red Sox’ 4-3 clincher at Coors Field.

Josh Beckett was 23 when he took the ball for the Marlins in the sixth game of the 2003 World Series at Yankee Stadium. He pitched a five-hit shutout, beating the Yankees, 2-0, and was named Series Most Valuable Player. He was the youngest pitcher (23 years 5 months 10 days) to win a deciding Series game since Bret Saberhagen in 1985.

Rookie Angels righty John Lackey had just turned 24 when he started the seventh game of the 2002 Series against the Giants. Lackey went five innings, giving up one run on four hits and fanning four before turning a 4-1 lead over to Brendan Donnelly. Lackey faced Barry Bonds twice that night, getting Bonds on a liner to short, then surrendering an infield hit to the single-season home run king in the fourth inning. Lackey became the first rookie starter to win a seventh game of the Series since the immortal Babe Adams beat the Tigers for Pittsburgh in 1909.

Behold! The return of the most annoying adjective in Shank's arsenal!

It's refreshing to see him acknowledge the obvious strength of the Red Sox, at least this week.

Time To Break Camp

...when you're reduced to writing borderline articles like this one:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Thirty years ago, the Yankees had a young shortstop prospect named Andre Robertson who arrived at the big league clubhouse and asked if he could wear No. 3.

It was taken. Retired by some guy named Ruth.

Pete Sheehy, the guy who issued Yankee numbers starting in 1927, was still working with the Bronx Bombers when Robertson asked about 3. Sheehy was not amused. Robertson broke into the majors wearing No. 55 for the Yankees. He later upgraded/downsized to 18.

Numbers are no small deal for big league ballplayers. Jim Leyritz asked for No. 113 when he came to the Red Sox. Darren Bragg wore No. 56 because he liked Lawrence Taylor. John Valentin always liked 13. Mike Lowell has been a good fit for 25 even though a lot of us think the number should have been retired in honor of the late Tony Conigliaro.

No Offense

Keeping his consecutive article streak alive at five, Shank discusses the irritation factor among some members of the Boston Red Sox by questioning their offensive abilities.

It's tough to understand how such notions take hold, isn't it?

Shank Hits For The Cycle

Four in a row - I'm shocked!

Shank's on a tear this week, writing today about Red Sox owner John Henry. It's a generally favorable article to Mr. Henry, which is a marked departure from this 10 week old stemwinder.

The Other Big Question

What's gotten into Shank lately? Three articles in as many days? I'm shocked, I tell you!

Shank's question: Will Big Papi return to form? Summary - he's not sure.

This is amusing:

When a reporter remarked on his relatively svelte figure, Ortiz said, “You ought to see me naked.’’ Later, he explained that he’ll never look like Ricky Martin (love those dated references),

We're aware of that, Shank...

Signs Read

Lacking other things to write about, Shank speculates on Josh Beckett's future with the Red Sox.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Anybody feel good about the odds of Josh Beckett returning to the Red Sox after this season?

Like a little boy getting a flu shot, Beckett did his bit with the Mass(achusetts) media yesterday. He came in from his workout and sat before nine television cameras and dozens of microphones, and took questions from curious minds. He made it pretty clear that he won’t be crying about his contract all year.

Condescending tone aside, the rest of the article is standard fare.

Weekend Roundup

Shank has rare back to back columns, the first on the android disguised as Tiger Woods press conference, the second on Red Sox spring training.

The Tiger column was a decent read. The Red Sox column was a bit more entertaining:

It was all about the baseball, and it made me miss the bad old days of players arriving late, out of shape, and disgruntled. It made me long for the days when the Rocket would go AWOL and Pedro would snub the franchise to stay in the Dominican for dad’s birthday.

That's Theo's way of saying "No more easy columns for you, Dan."

I've also noticed trace amounts of self-deprecation in recent articles:

Some of us (the same nitwits who worry about offense) question the reliability of modern defensive statistics.

...

But can you jazz things up down here, just a little?

“We’ll try,’’ he said. “I could light my hair on fire . . . or yours.’’

Come on baby, light my fire!

Custer's Last Stand

That's Shank's summary of the 2009-2010 Boston Celtics. It's not exactly a news flash for those that follow the Celtics with any regularity, and Shank overstates matters just a little bit:

In the weeks after Christmas the Celtics became a wounded and unlikable band of underachievers. They were big on attitude, small on work ethic. Impressed with past achievements, convinced they could summon the old dominance any time they pleased, they blew 10 double-digit leads. They became the kind of team we scorn here in Boston. Now they are in the process of trying to earn our love again.

I'm pretty sure the Celtics are more concerned with winning games and getting home court advantage for the playoffs than with 'earning our love'. Good grief...

Picking Up My Own Pieces Column

Shank had a pair of CNN / SI articles during the last week or so. I think both articles articles are solid and well written, a further devaluation of my column convergence theory. I'm hoping time will even things out...

Another Picked Up Pieces Column

Shank treats us to the columnist's version of the mulligan. There are a few interesting tidbits, but it's more accurate to describe this particular column as 'something written after a Super Bowl hangover', including shots at Bill Belichick, Nomar Garciaparra, Kevin Garnett, and, yes, there's an Elvis sighting.

One nitpick - it's 'Baba O'Riley'. At least he didn't call it 'Teenage Wasteland'. Nice editing job, guys...

Um, About That Peyton Manning Column...

In a refreshing twist, Shank comes as close to an apology that we've seen in ages:

Whoops.

OK, maybe I jumped the gun a little. I got caught up in the moment. On the eve of the Super Bowl, I wrote that Peyton Manning was better than Tom Brady. I was positively Peytonized. And as Rick Pitino once said, “that’s how I felt at the time.’’

Fortunately, this is sports and opinions change every day. Now that Manning lost the Super Bowl with his Favre-like pick six, he’s a mere .500 quarterback (9-9) in postseason play. He’s still two rings shy of Brady, who is 14-4 in NFL tournament play.

Reader feedback was constructive:

■“Dan - You are like a TV weatherman in New England. How much of the time are you really seriously right? Would you like some seasoning with your order of crow? Better luck next time.’’

■“I understand you got an assignment to write some usual BS for the Super Bowl. That’s how you get paid. But, you have to get into people’s nerves and create some controversy in order for some people to read your stuff; know that I am being polite with the word ‘stuff.’ ’’

You have to give Shank some credit here, right?

A Slight Retraction

Shank writes about New Orleans' win in yesterday's Super Bowl, and revisits part of Saturday's column:

This game was supposed to be the coronation of Peyton Manning (hard to believe some nitwits were actually saying he’s better than Tom Brady)...

Thicker Than Water

Shank pens a good article about the bloody obvious Archie Manning Angle, parents who want their kids to win the big games, even if it's against the parent's old team.

Torch Passed

Sure to get a few knickers in a twist in this neck of the woods, Shank hereby declares Peyton Manning a better quarterback than Tom Terrific:

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - Peyton Manning is better than Tom Brady.

There. I said it. Call the cops. Have me arrested and sentenced to 10 years of hard time watching “Patriots All Access’’ and listening to programs called “Patriots Monday’’ and “Patriots Friday’’.

Sorry, folks. Sometimes the truth hurts. And the truth is that outside New England, this argument is over. Everywhere else in the continental United States. The proverbial ship has sailed and its name is the SS Peyton.

And yet back in Patriot country, fans soldier on, clinging to the past, unwilling to acknowledge the obvious.

Manning is better.

Sorry, Tom. Shank's just not into you anymore...

...

He wasn’t better in the first half of the decade, when Brady was orchestrating the comebacks and winning three Super Bowls, going a perfect 9-0 in the playoffs. He wasn’t better when Ty Law picked off three of his passes in the 2003 AFC Championship game at the Razor. And Manning couldn’t get his team in the end zone in the 2004 AFC Divisional playoff game at frosty Gillette, remember?

But that was then. This is now. For those of us living in the present, it’s time to give up the Ghost of Tom and face the truth.

Who says irony is dead?

The Sorry State Of Massachusetts

Shank went to the Beanpot on Monday night and couldn't get 'fired up' about it:

I went to the Beanpot last night and tried to get fired up about the whole thing.

...

Here’s what really killed me. Last night’s Harvard roster had only one guy from Massachusetts (Chris Huxley of Weymouth). Harvard had 11 players from Canada, one from Sweden, and one from Croatia. Boston University, last year’s national champion, featured two kids from Massachusetts (out of 21). Northeastern had four Bay Staters and Boston College a whopping 11.

Not to sound like a WTKK talk show host, but the lack of locals took something out of it for me. What happened to the days of Peabody’s Bobby Carpenter on the cover of Sports Illustrated? The days of Charlestown’s Jackie O’Callahan, Scituate’s Dave Silk, and Winthrop’s Mike Eruzione winning Olympic gold? Jim Craig going from Oliver Ames to Boston University to Lake Placid?

I don't know; times change, perhaps?

U.S.S. AARP?

That's how Shank describes the current Boston Celtics team. It's a solid column that neatly sums up the season, with the injuries to KG taking front and center.

So much for that column convergence theory, unless I'm just one key injury away...

Sports, Politics And Revenge

That's how Shank sums up the attitude in Massachusetts in his latest CNN / SI column. It's a good enough article, but we now start to see the seeping in of elements that make Shank one of the best in the business.

Add one teaspoon of condescension:

That's right boys, and girls. She said that Curt Schilling was a Yankee fan. And that closed the curtain on her bid for the U.S. Senate.

...a few shots at Curt Schilling:

Most recently Schilling has mixed sports and politics in Boston. A dedicated Republican, never shy about giving his opinion, the big Blowhard actually considered running for Kennedy's seat in the early weeks after the congressional lion passed away. Ever the glory hound, he announced he wasn't running on HBO's Joe Buck Live.

...throw in a few misspellings:

...Celtics owner Steve Pagliacu (should be Pagliuca)...
...Fred Smerles (should be Smerlas)...

...add overstatement that could easily get past a chin-stroking, head-nodding Boston Globe editor:

Oh, and then there's this fellow named Tom Brady.

Brady has it all. He's got the looks, the charisma, the fame and he's remained politically neutral on just about everything. He got into a little hot water when he accepted an invitation to one of George Bush's State of the Union addresses, but has otherwise steered clear of polarizing issues.

And we have what resembles your standard Globe product.

Question for Shank: are Republican presidents the only kind of president whose issues are polarizing?

The Great Column Convergence begins...

Making Noise

Today's Shank column focuses on the New York Jets, recapping their season and their prospects for the future after coming up short against the Indianapolis Colts yesterday.

Where did the play the game yesterday?

Lucas Oil (Can Boyd) Stadium

Where else?

This is an interesting sentence:

Manning quickly reminded everyone why Belichick went for it on fourth and 2 here in November.

I'm left wondering if this acknowledgement from Shank means he'll stop criticizing Belichick for doing just that against Manning. Somehow, I have my doubts...

Not That He's Bitter Or Anything

Enough of the human interest stories! Today, we must vent our spleens!

INDIANAPOLIS - It’s always about us, and therefore this AFC Championship game must be viewed through the prism of Patriot Place.

Colts-Jets.

Ugh.

Any way both of these teams can lose today?

Let’s start with the ugly dateline. The AFC Championship game is being played at Lucas Oil (Can Boyd) Stadium in the heart of downtown Indianapolis, the heart of the heartland. That’s a big bowl of wrong. We all know this game should be played annually at the Razor off Route 1 in Foxborough.

And on it goes. Apparently it's not a bad enough game for Shank not to go to Lucas Oil (Can Boyd) Stadium. Read on to see what people and things Shank hates. It's the abbreviated list...

Brownout

Two in a row from Shank! Friday's column profiles Ayla Brown, a basketball player who's a senior at Boston College and is the daughter of newly elected U.S. Senator Scott Brown. Another good column by Shank...

Boyz 2 Men

The occasional Shank human interest story reappears today as Shank profiles Ricky Thurin, a senior forward for the Everett High School basketball team. Ricky's mother was in Haiti when the earthquake hit, and he didn't hear from her for five days, but he got the call that she's okay, and Mom will be back in the states soon. Good column.

Great Moments In Boston Globe Publishing History

The Boston Globe calls the race for Coakley, 8 hours before the polls close.

No bias here, eh, Bruce?

Jets / Colts, The Rematch

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column is devoted to the AFC Championship between New York and Indianapolis. Other than a little lecturing:

Listen up, young folks. Let me explain:

...the column is once again several notches above the thin gruel normally served up at Boston's Boring Broadsheet.

Ridin' The Shetland Pony

Sunday's Shank Globe column sees Danny Boy riding his high horse to denounce the dishonesty of college coaching, with Lane Kiffin making the jump to USC after one whole year at Tennessee. Shank doesn't like people who have a tangential interest in the process:

"Yahoo towns with nothing else to offer make college football/basketball a local religion with poisonous Booster Clubs...",

"He romances the athletic department, the student population, and the local yahoos (i.e. people who’d buy a book written by Calipari).",

"Losers who catalogue such things (folks who dedicate their lives to ranking 16-year-old offensive linemen) claim Kiffin’s 2010 recruiting class was top-10 material."

Shank also can't stand current Kentucky coach John Calipari, which may have started when Calipari left UMASS - Amherst in the mid 1990's.

Shank has a few kind words for Rick Pitino:

Remember all the lies we got from Pitino when he ran the Celtics? Little Ricky could always make it go away by saying, “That was how I felt at the time.’’

I'd have to see what lies Shank's referring to, but the problem with Pitino was something else. I went to one Pitino-coached Celtics game, and Pitino was yelling at Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce every damn time up & down the court. You can yell like that at college kids, not professional athletes that make double & triple your salary, even accounting for Pitino's hot-shot salary at the time. I was hoping the basketball would somehow wind up in my hands from a bad pass or something, just so I'd have something to throw at Pitino to shut him up.

Shank On Steroids

Yesterday's Globe column gets Shank into 'Roid Rage, bemoaning all the cheating during the 'steroid era'.

Dan asks thew following question:

Which brings us to the Hall of Fame ballot. What is a voter to do? Baseball asks writers to factor “character’’ and “integrity’’ when considering candidates.

As Shank is one who casts a HOF ballot, you'd think we'd see his opinion on how he intends to vote, correct? Good luck finding it in this column.

Throw in a shot at Red Sox owner (Shank calls him childish for taking David Ortiz at his word; naive / disingenuous may have been better descriptors), and we're good on the Globe column quota until the weekend.

Patriots Post Mortem

Shank pens a very good column in CNN / SI about the Patriots getting their asses handed to them by the Baltimore Ravens. He works in other New England recent championships (Celtics, Red Sox) and wonders:

Is that it? Has the curtain officially been drawn on the golden era of New England sports?

I hear all of you cackling across the land.

What's irritating about all this? In the span of about four weeks, Shank goes from cold to hot, then back to cold, then back to 'staunch defender of Patriot Nation' in the above CNN / SI article. I suppose it's too much to ask for consistency.

As for comparing his Globe columns to the CNN / SI ones (ten in all so far), I have yet to read a single stinker from the CNN / SI collection, while a fair portion of his Globe 'work' is just that. It must have something to do with his unofficial tenure at the Globe.

Off The Bandwagon Dan

Shank downplays the Patriots chances just before yesterday's loss to the Baltimore Ravens. Funny how a mere three days changes one's tune, isn't it? The Curse of The Shank lives on!

The column is chock full of classic Shankisms. Here is the disowning of the New England Patriots:

...
Which brings us to your New England Patriots as they prepare for their first playoff game since their shocking defeat in Glendale, Ariz., in Super Bowl XLII two years ago.

Schizoid Shank (remember, he was hyping the Pats a mere three days ago):

Despite all of the above, there has been lukewarm anticipation for today’s first-round game against the wild-card Baltimore Ravens.

There's a Woodstock reference:

The Patriots this season were a horrible, heartless road team (2-6), and last week lost their go-to guy when slot receiver Wes Welker blew out his knee on some bad grass in Houston (never to be confused with the bad grass at Woodstock).

And there's an Elvis sighting:

That’s one playoff victory since Dwight Eisenhower was in the White House. One playoff win since the invention of the Barbie doll. One playoff win since Elvis reported to his draft board in Memphis. One playoff win since Alaska and Hawaii became states.

DHL Dan, mailing in yet another column...

Bandwagon Dan - III

Shank makes a bold prediction for Sunday's Patriots game against the Baltimore Ravens. There's only one problem with that - the Curse of the Shank!

Dan's Next Column?

The Big Lug endorses Scott Brown for U.S. Senate.

And why not? Shank manages a 'blowhard' reference about Schilling in his latest CNN / SI column. And what's with Shank's green hair? Is St. Patrick's Day early this year?

Confirming The Obvious

Shank weighs in on Sunday's upcoming playoff game between the Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. If you were expecting Shank's standard half-hearted mail-in column, you won't be disappointed:

...

The X’s and O’s will be dissected and analyzed all week. Deep thinkers of football will make rational predictions based on the strengths and weaknesses of both teams.

Not me.

"Not me." - the deep thinker part or the rational prediction part?

Shank on The Winter Classic

Shank follows up on yesterday's Bruins - Flyers game at Fenway Park. It's a decent article, notwithstanding the irritating use of the royal 'we / our' to describe 'us' hockey fans. Shank's slavish, loving devotion to the sport will be amply demonstrated by his complete absence of hockey themed columns until the Bruins are in the playoffs, or will Shank continue to grate by calling it the 'tournament'?

New Year, Same Shank

Shank's first column of 2010 is 'interesting', which is to say it contains are good elements and bad elements.

The good: it's a decent recap of the last twenty - four hours leading up to the annual NHL Winter Classic.

The bad: the article is peppered with the following items.

Lame metaphors / cliches:

Ice on Fenway. Fenway on ice.

If you freeze it, they will come.

Overstatements and inane / inaccurate comparisons:

The Classic has taken over as the NHL’s Super Bowl. It’s where Sidney Crosby meets Bing Crosby.

The Bruins are playing the Pittsburgh Penguins? Who knew?

Semi-cheap shot to J.D. Drew:

Shawn Thornton was issued David Ortiz’s locker, which makes some sense, but how do you figure Zdeno Chara dressing in a front of a stall that belongs to J.D. Drew? Think the big fella knows about J.D.’s reputation?

Barely concealed hostility towards Red Sox ownership (like that's a news flash):

Ticket-holders who forked over hundreds of dollars may need to enter Fenway with reduced expectations. Those nifty Sox box seats occupied by Dennis Drinkwater and Jeremy Kapstein - the ones in the front row behind the backstop? Those are not going to be good seats today. You’re much better off in the upper grandstand in left field. Today, Section 31 is better than Henrytown.

Poorly worded factual statement:

Skaters know there’s a purity about the outdoor game. No Zamboni fumes.

Shank appears to be saying that because the game's outdoors, there will be no fumes from the Zamboni machine that can be noticed by the fans. Which is true, because of the drivetrain configuration of the Zamboni ice resurfacer:

Drive Train:
Four-wheel drive. Rugged Spicer axles have high capacities. Full floating rear axle. General Electric 17.5 HP electric motor provides superior on-ice power even at low speeds.

Electric motors emit fumes? Who knew?

Additionally, Zamboni has been making electric powered ice resurfacers for fifty years. Perhaps our resident Globeophile can expand on the multi - layered fact checking and editorial process that allows mistakes like this to get published. Is there, in fact, any review of Shank's columns before they're published? Maybe I'm nitpicking about this error, but this item took about one minute to check out. Was the deadline going to be missed or something?

This doesn't qualify as one of Shank's better efforts, but then again, do we ever expect more from the Boring Broadsheet's 'ace' sports columnist?

UPDATE at 1/1/2010, 12:45 PM: It doesn't appear that the Globe's in the habit of correcting Shank with any great frequency.

Back On The Bandwagon

Today's Boston Globe column by Shank has the title "Getting ahead of ourselves", a title chock full of irony. It was only three weeks ago when Shank was shoveling dirt on the Patriot's coffin, but today he offers a much rosier picture of the Patriot's playoff 'tournament' chances.

I can't say this column was well thought out on a few levels. He ignores the upcoming game against the Houston Texans and assumes the Pats will win the first round playoff game, then mulls over the preferred team for the Pats to play in the second round, all the while using the royal 'we' when making these assumptions, like everyone agrees with him. He concludes the column by stating the Pats are the team that nobody wants to play come January. Three weeks ago he says the Pats will 'probably' make the playoffs, yet we're now led to believe the first round playoff game's a sure thing? Amazing what a few wins will do to change one's perspective.

Let's hope the Pats avoid the Curse of the Shank.

Reverting To Form

Shank's eight CNN / SI article is a semi-decent read of the upcoming New Year's hockey game between the Bruins and the Flyers. Longtime Shankophiles will recognize trademark Shank elements throughout the article: Beatles & Stones references, bemoaning hockey as less popular as football, baseball & basketball (ignoring his own lack of articles on hockey vs. the other sports), crapping on Red Sox ownership for committing the high crime of revenue generation, and reusing portions of a previous column to help him write this column. Can't say I'm terribly surprised with this 'effort'...

Bases Touched

Today's Shank column treats us to a history of Fenway Park for events other than baseball games. It's a pretty interesting review of Fenway history, and I'm pretty sure Shank's been to a number of these events since he's been with the Globe.

Joe Namath and Mick Jagger played Fenway Park. So did Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Frank Sinatra, the Harlem Globetrotters, and the E Street Band.

Oh, and that mop-top from Liverpool who used to be in a band known as the Beatles? Yes, Paul McCartney played Fenway, too.

We know about the Beatles, Shank; you've only quoted them a few hundred times in your columns over the years...

A Christmas Carroll

Shank's first column in five days treats us to a conversation with USC football coach Pete Carroll, formerly of the New England Patriots, and a semi-preview of tonight's bowl game between USC (-7 or -7.5, depending on your local bookie) and Boston College.

He is the man who bridged the gap between the Tuna and the Hoodie. He is the first head coach hired by Bob Kraft, forever known around New England as Mr. Pumped-and-Jacked, and tonight he’ll be coaching USC against Boston College in the Emerald Bowl.

Pete Carroll still follows the Patriots and says he has fond memories of his three seasons as their head coach.

Overall impression of the article: Not great, not terrible = Meh, until I got to this part:

Ask him about Boston College and he sounds like Belichick artificially inflating the upcoming tomato can.

The use of the phrase 'tomato can' to describe a mere touchdown underdog doesn't quite work, in my opinion. 'Tomato can' implies an easy win against a pushover opponent. Because I only track NFL games like this, I can't provide a true apples-to-apples comparison to recent college football games, so let's review what Shank may have called last week's 'tomato can' games, in order of tomato can goodness (home team in CAPS):

1) DEN -14 vs. Oak = OAK upsets Denver, 20-19.
2) AZ -12 vs. Det = AZ wins 31-24 and takes the final lead with about 4 1/2 minutes remaining.
3) BAL -11 vs. Chi = BAL wins easily, 31-7.
4) HOU -10.5 vs. Stl = HOU wins 16-13, takes the final lead with 4:36 remaining.
5) Min -9 at CAR = CAR upsets Minnesota 26-7, breaking out the can of whupass on Brett and the boys.
6) PHI -8.5 vs. Sf = PHI wins 27-13.
7) NO -7 vs. Dal = DAL upsets an undefeated team, 24-17.
8) Ne -7 at BUF = NE wins, 17-10.

Taken together, we have 8 'tomato can' games that resulted in three upsets (OAK, CAR and DAL), two that were competitive (AZ / DET and HOU / STL), one 'meh' game (NE) and two 'tomato can' wins (BAL and PHI). If Shank's going to continue the use of that phrase, he may wish to consider changing the parameters to larger point spreads.

Honorable mention: SD -6.5 vs. Cin. was won by San Diego, 27-24 on a last-minute field goal, and SEA -6.5 vs. Tb was won by Tampa Bay, 24 - 7.

This Explains A Lot

Guess who's writing for cnnsi.com nowadays? That's right, our own Danny Boy!

In retrospect, this explains the lack of Globe production. It looks like he writes one article a week for them (seven total so far), and two of them repeat themes he wrote about in Boston's Boring Broadsheet, although I must point out that they're not the same columns (one about Holy Cross QB Dominic Randolph; the other was the dump he took on on John Henry & Theo Epstein nearly a fortnight ago).

The differences between those seven CNN / SI articles and the Globe columns could not be more striking. All of the CNN / SI articles are well written and nearly devoid of the legendary Shank trademarks, while the last four Globe columns leave something / a lot to be desired. I can only speculate that a condition of the CNN / SI gig is to submit quality columns and / or 'drop the attitude', like such points should need to be emphasized.

When clicking on the link to his CNN / SI archive, check out the heading:

Dan Shuaghnessy > ARCHIVE

Copy desk! Get me rewrite!

Turd In The Punchbowl

The New England Patriots beat the Buffalo Bills yesterday, 17 - 10. It wasn't the most memorable win against a longtime division rival, but it was a road win and Randy Moss played a lot better then he has in the previous few games. Leave it to Shank to bring up nearly every negative angle from the game:

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. - The Moss-shank Redemption Tour rolled through Ralph Wilson Stadium yesterday and Randy’s people no doubt were happy with the returns.

The Patriots staggered to a grotesque 17-10 victory over the hideous Bills, winning their first legitimate road game (and it only took them until Dec. 20), and virtually locking up the soft-shell AFC East. On a day when Tom Brady looked like J.P. Losman, Moss returned to the land of the living with five catches for 70 yards, including a nifty 13-yard tippy-toe grab in the back of the end zone.

Moss hasn’t been saying much for publication in the last month, but he had something on his mind after this one, and he was already in full rant as he burst into the interview room bound for the podium.

“I’m gonna make it real brief,’’ Moss started. “Y’all had two weeks to do y’all’s talking; let me do mine. It has been a really tough couple weeks, but you move on. That is the nature of this game. I am happy that we got this victory and I appreciate all the support from my true fans, the players, the coaches, my family, and loved ones. I have been in this league for 12 years and I have been through a lot. These shoulders I have on my body, you could put the Earth on it. Just to let you know, I bounce back. I appreciate it.’’

Did Dan note the irony of the phrase 'Moss-shank Redemption Tour'?

I saw that Moss interview, and I don't think it qualified as a rant. Tom Terrific didn't have a great game, but does Brady's game merit comparisons to J.P. Losman? The entire column reeks of cynicism and hyperbole and serves one purpose - to reinforce the notion that Randy Moss is Shank's new whipping post. A few months from now Shank's new target will probably be Rasheed Wallace. It's as though a fair portion of Shank's articles need this angle for them to have any substance to them.

Is Shank Snowed In Today?

It's been five days since his last post, and for the last thirty-five days, that's been his approximate output (about one column every four days). By way of comparison, his 'production' for the same period last year was about one column every three days, and we were calling him lazy back then, albeit for a different reason.

If Shank was lazy then, does this make him half in the casket now?

Turn On A Dime Dan

What a difference a week makes!

Today Shank heralds the signing of John Lackey as a step towards the Red Sox competing with the Yankees next year. A mere five days ago Shank was more or less throwing in the towel on the 2010 season for the Red Sox. Does one signing warrant a 180 degree turn? Only if he can drag us along with him (emphasis mine):

Theo Epstein had us worried last week when he delivered his unfortunate “bridge’’ speech in his Marriott suite in downtown Indianapolis. It sounded like the Sox were going to go cheap while waiting for Jose Iglesias, Ryan Kalish, Casey Kelly, and Ryan Westmoreland.

The backlash was immediate. Sox fans are in no mood to forfeit the 2010 season, standing on the “Lars Anderson’’ Bridge.

Now it looks like you won’t have to wait. Either the Sox suddenly realized that fans won’t settle for a couple of soft seasons, or they’ve been dealing close to the vest. The bottom line is that John Henry apparently plans to stay in the money game and compete with the Yankees.

Lackey (five years, north of $80 million) is a fine start.

Translation = "I was wrong. I got sucked in once again before everything played out in the open. All I had to do last Thursday was shit on Bill Belichick one more time instead of shitting on John Henry and Theo Epstein, and I could have cleanly jumped on the Sox bandwagon again." - Dan Shaughnessy.

And what's a Shank Sox column without a cheap shot at Curt Schilling?

...He’s got attitude (think Schill without the fraud factor)...

I must admit being amused and amazed at Shank's petty vindictiveness at Curt for the past few years, but I can't quite figure out this use of the term 'fraud' that Shank uses to describe Curt. Is this a reference to Curt's last season as a Red Sox?

Throw in a cameo by the trite cliche 'Theo and his minions', and you have a standard Shank column: hop back on the bandwagon, failure to admit mistakes / jumping the gun once again, do the passive / aggressive Kabuki dance with Theo Epstein, and finish it off with a kick to Curt 's balls.

Dated Cartoon Metaphor Column

Finishing off an awesome one - two combination of back-to-back columns, Shank empties the rest of his bladder in Gillette Stadium. Adalius Thomas is bitching because he and three other Patriots were sent home during Wednesday's vicious snowstorm, and Shank quotes him with great enthusiasm while making comparisons to a cartoon show that hasn't run on network television in thirty years.

Lameness aside, Shank has another shield for which to take shots at Belichick, and otherwise cites several concerns with the rest of the team. He seems to forget, or conveniently omits, that Thomas has been in the doghouse all year and many people think he's one of the problems (dogging it, etc.) during the games.

Overall Shank effort today - good subject manner matter, shaky execution, poor choice of comparisons.

'Ol Piss & Vinegar is back

... with a vengeance:

Dan Shaughnessy
Sox have a bridge to sell us
Fans shouldn’t buy this approach

By Dan Shaughnessy
Globe Columnist / December 10, 2009

Storm the gates of Fenway Park. Cancel your NESN package. Stick your head out the window and say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!’’

Why the sudden release of steam?

Do not buy the bill of goods the Red Sox are selling.

John Henry and Theo Epstein are preparing you for the Big Slide. While they continue to raise ticket prices and drain every dollar out of Fenway, they are telling you to put your expectations on the shelf. No more “championship-driven’’ campaign for your Red Sox. The Sox are building a “bridge’’ for the future. They are giving up on competing with those big, bad Yankees.

I agree with the basic thrust of the article, but it's amusing to watch Shank use 'the fans' as a shield / badge of honor when taking his semi-annual dump on John Henry & Theo Epstein when, somewhere during the All-Star break, it's an even money bet Shank does the backflip and starts calling Red Sox fans 'pink hats', 'minions' and much, much more!

Style points deducted for failure to work in a dig at Curt Schilling...

Slipping Away

Fresh off a short vacation / assignment to Miami, today's Shank column recaps the Patriot's woes over the past week. Maybe what the Patriots need is a recently available offensive coordinator?

Whither Shank?

Maybe he's working on a follow up column in light of more information relating to the Tim Donaghy gambling scandal?

Shank on High School Football

Another good column by Shank today, focusing on the Reading high school football team and their former coach Mike Boyd, who succumbed to lung cancer earlier this year. The last line of the column takes the quality down a few notches, though.

No More Northeastern Football

Shank writes today about a made 4th down play by Bill Belichick the death of football at Northeastern University due primarily to financial reasons. Since there isn't a head coach to rip for making decisions of dubious merit, the result is a pretty good, well researched column.

Obligatory Larry Bird Column

Shank devotes today's column to Larry Legend and the book "When the Game was Ours", co-authored with Earvin 'Magic' Johnson and formally written by Jackie MacMullan. I have the book and I hope to read it over the holidays.

Naturally, Shank has to screw up the premise of the column right off the bat:

INDIANAPOLIS - Larry Bird was not in the house when Bill Belichick decided to go for it on fourth and 2 from his 28.

Unfortunately, I believe this is going to be a Shank Staple^TM for quite some time, as if Shank's reputation as a petty, vindictive writer needed any more padding...

P.S. I caught Shank on the local sports show last night. Interesting to note that, when discussing Sunday's Patriots game with the N.Y. Jets, Michael Felger was far more negative than Shank was, even stating that he thinks the Jets will win that game, in spite of being 10 1/2 point underdogs on the road. Could this be the reason Shank appears on the local shows, especially with Felger, in an attempt to come off as the least negative local sports talking head?

Bad Call Belichick - II

There's something I forgot to mention yesterday - what's the over / under on how many columns will Shank wring out of this one call by Bill Belichick?

Aside from some of Shank's standard lameness (Lucas Oil Can Boyd Stadium), bellyaching about lack of media access and a martyr complex (maybe I’ll escape the Nixonian Enemies List), it's wash, rinse, repeat from yesterday's column.

Then again, maybe Shank's right. Is he on par with Nixon's enemies list, or just the shit list?