Patriots 20, Steelers (+5.5) 17. I can’t decide who I hate more between Roger Goodell and the Pats fans who get to indulge their inner Tough Guy complex because the commish ducked out of going to Foxboro this weekend. HE WON’T SHOW HIS FACKIN’ FACE HERE-AH BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE MESSED WITH THE WRAWNG CITY! It’s not like they would have shot the guy. Your average Pats fan would probably just boo him and then try to throw a beer at him but miss and hit a baby.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Roger Goodell’s office made it official early Tuesday: The NFL commissioner is electing to attend the NFC Championship game between the Packers and Falcons Sunday at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta.
In today’s corporate-speak, this is what’s known as “bad optics.’’
It looks as though the commissioner is afraid to come to Foxborough.
What is the big deal, Roger? You are not Salman Rushdie hiding from the followers of the Ayatollah Khomeini. The Wells Report is not “The Satanic Verses.” There is no football fatwa in Patriot Nation. This is a sporting event.
"Nearly pulled off a historic upset" (but fell just short, by 18 points). Your Red Sox Globe, ladies and gentleman. pic.twitter.com/dpX5TZuM0u— PatriotsSB51 (@PatriotsSB49) January 15, 2017
Monday, January 16, 2017
We are greedy. We don’t want the Patriots to simply embarrass the commissioner, make history, and win Super Bowl LI in Houston Feb. 5. We want to see the Pats settle old scores and beat the highest-profile opponents. That’s why the last two weekends have been a little disappointing as we watched the Giants, Seahawks, and Cowboys get eliminated from the tournament.
I know . . . first thing first. The Patriots have a pretty big game Sunday night at Gillette Stadium. They will be playing in their record sixth consecutive AFC Championship game, facing the ever-dangerous Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers. Beating Pittsburgh is going to be a lot harder than beating the Texans in the divisional round. (Oh, and Roger Goodell was in Atlanta Saturday, so he’s got to come to Foxborough, right?)
All that said, there’s a popular notion in these parts that no team in the AFC is going to beat the Patriots at Gillette Stadium this season. That’s what a 15-2 record does.
And right about now I’m dreaming of a Super Bowl matchup featuring New England’s defense against Green Bay gunslinger Aaron Rodgers.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
FOXBOROUGH — The Patriots lurched to a 34-16 victory over the Houston Texans Saturday night and next Sunday will play in their record sixth consecutive AFC Championship game. A home victory over the Chiefs or Steelers is all that stands in the way of the Pats making it to Super Bowl LI in Houston Feb. 5.Read on for a column chock full of Shankisms and the standard game recap.
Swell. But if Saturday’s game made you feel good about your team, you must be wearing Tom Brady’s Under Armour pajamas. Call it a warning shot or a wake-up call. The sloppy slugfest furnishes fodder for those who wonder if the 2016-17 Patriots — now 15-2 — are championship-driven, or merely fortunate sons of the AFC East, the softest schedule in the league, and the presence of the ever-beatable Texans.
Stolen from the comments is a new nickname - 'Tomato Can Dan'. It's catchy!
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Revenge of Tomato Cans early here in Foxboro, but it will never last.— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 15, 2017
If Texans win the toss, they should take the ball. Truly— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 15, 2017
UConn Women BB beat #20 team in US 102-37 Tuesday.— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 14, 2017
It'll be like that tonite in Foxboro with Tomato Can Texans vs. Patriots.
Reader reaction is what you'd expect:
@Dan_Shaughnessy urright. Sucks being awesome. Would much rather suck.— Matt Kalin(@katomck1981) January 14, 2017
@Dan_Shaughnessy Jesus..... Are you already drunk Curly Hair Boyfriend?— CRL (@Lindowitz) January 14, 2017
@Dan_Shaughnessy go away Dan. Such a tired act.— Mikey2Gunz (@mcohen188) January 14, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Patriots (-16) 23, Texans 0. Patriots Day comes out tomorrow and the ads are killing me. Marky Mark literally says “They messed with the wrawng city!” As if other cities would be like, “Oh man, someone bombed us. We better not do anything about it.” The fact that Marky Mark plays a composite character who gets portrayed as a reluctant hero and says shit like “We gawtta catch these guys before-ah they hurt othah Sawx fans!” is a fucking insult to real-life events. No one from Boston should ever be allowed to make a Boston movie ever again.
Has there ever been less drama, hype, or anticipation for an NFL playoff game?You'd think the Boston Globe would ask Shank to quit rewriting the same column, but you'd be wrong. Little wonder, then, that their readership numbers have been plunging for years.
Here in New England, we openly mock the opposition. We ridicule the Houston Texans as a team with no chance to beat the Patriots at Gillette Stadium in the divisional round. The team from the land of “Friday Night Lights’’ will produce “Saturday Night Blights” in Foxborough and everyone knows it.
With all this ridicule, we get no resistance from anywhere in the heart of Texas. The people who cover the team and the Texans fans offer no alternative outcome. They are prepared for a major beatdown. Almost nobody in Houston is fighting back.
Monday, January 09, 2017
Been here. Done this.I suppose 'tomato can' is an improvement over the descriptor for the last playoff game between the two teams, which was 'fraud'. And so Shank takes his quadrennial shot at trolling and antagonizing yet another professional sports team and the residents of the fourth largest U.S. city.
The Patriots will finally play their first postseason game Saturday night and wouldn’t you guess . . . they are playing a team with absolutely zero chance to win the game.
Enjoying the spoils of their hard-earned top seed, the 14-2 Patriots will face your friends and mine, the All World Tomato Cans, the Houston Texans.
In a game that could be best described as the NFL’s answer to Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Show, the Texans beat the quarterback-less Raiders, 27-14, Saturday to advance to the divisional round. New England’s dream matchup with fourth-seeded Houston became official Sunday when Pittsburgh routed the terrible Dolphins.
This could not have worked out better for the Patriots.
The 2012-13 New England Patriots just became the first team in NFL history to get back-to-back byes before advancing to the conference championship game.The words are a bit different, but you've read it all before.
Could this get any easier?
I mean, seriously? The planets are aligned and the tomato cans are in place. The fraudulent Houston Texans are the only team standing between the New England Patriots and a trip to the AFC Championship game. All the Patriots have to do is beat the terrible Texans. One week from Sunday. At Gillette Stadium.
Pass Go and collect $200. The Patriots are in the AFC title game.
To anyone from the Houston area reading this - Shank's just trying to piss you off; this has been his M.O. since I got out of high school thirty-five years ago. Don't let him piss you off too much.
I don't know how often Adam reads Shank, but it's safe to say if he devotes a post to it and punishes himself by dredging through the Globe archives and adding it up, the 'tomato can' shtick is worn out now. Which means we can expect it for many more columns.