Having It Both Ways

Typical Shank second guessing - if the Patriots win big, it is due in part to...

Tremendous stat-padding drive by Pats makes it 38-3 with 3:26 left.
Great to see Tom dropping back to pass on all those plays. Hope he comes back again in final minute for more. Bill still really hates the Jets. #karma

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 30, 2018

Give It A Rest Already

Shank's strange obsession with Richard Berman continues, for some damned reason.

Walt Coleman in the House for Pats-Jets today. I'm guessing this means all challenges will be reviewed by Judge Richard Berman.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/e1SQJJDw9p

— Scott Kaplan (@WxManScott) December 30, 2018

He Got One Right!

I forgot to mention this one yesterday. I was pulling into the North Quincy T lot when Shank went on 98.5 The Sports Hub to fill in for Scott Zolak & Marc Bertrand. I wasn't going to wait to hear how it turned out; I'll just let Shank take it from here:

On today from 10-2 with Matt McCarthy filling in for @ZoandBertrand. It's bum-of-month-club week at the Hub with all of us filling in for the real stars. Hope Scott from Wrentham calls. We will have BB Hall ballot talk, Pats playoffs, Celtics struggles, etc. Dan's Dates 12:50

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 28, 2018

Shank Still Hates Numbers, A Continuing Series

Presented without comment:

Bracing for the next round of Patriots Media Cartel telling us how -- upon further review -- the AFC East actually doesn't suck.
It does.
Pats are only team never challenged in own division for almost every year of 18 years. No shame in admitting that. Not that difficult.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 26, 2018

While that may be true, they have been equally dominant inside and outside their division. Not many choose to acknowledge that. pic.twitter.com/T7q4veQ9uZ

— Cjmullysr(@mullinsnova) December 26, 2018

pic.twitter.com/keqGAeLo23

— RP III (@_BobbyPerry) December 26, 2018

Patriots Path To The Playoffs

Shank avoids in-game commentary (to avoid the jackass experience) on the Patriots / Bills game to deliver this incisive commentary:

Here it comes. Same old, same old. Pats easy win. Philly will beat Texans. Pats vault to 2 seed. 1st rd bye. Easy home game. KC knocked off in divisional round. AFC Championship again at Gillette. Even when Pats not that good, they get to Super Bowl. #MarchoftheTomatoCans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 23, 2018

What Shank Wants For Christmas

He's not asking for much, is he?

If you pool all the NBA players for a dispersal draft to build a new team, I take the Greek Freak with the first pick.

You can have Anthony Davis, Kevin Durant, Karl-Anthony Towns, or Kawhi Leonard.

I have seen the NBA Future and its name is Giannis Antetokounmpo. Better known as the Greek Freak.

He’s 24 years old, 6 feet 11 inches, 235 pounds, and already in his sixth season in the NBA. He’ll be at the Garden Friday night with the first-place Milwaukee Bucks, who took the Celtics to seven games in a first-round playoff series last spring.

Shameless Shank

A day after declaring the Patriots dynasty all but over, Shank now tells us that they're not dead yet:

Don’t forget about the Patriots’ mojo factor

We can agree that the 2018 Patriots are not one of the stronger Bill Belichick/Tom Brady editions. Measured against their own heightened standards, these Pats do not compare with most of the Gillette teams that preceded them. They can’t win on the road, the ever-handsome Brady has become a Nervous Nellie in the pocket, and New England’s run defense looks as if it was designed by Bobby Valentine.

Headlines in the wake of Sunday’s loss have been predictable. Tuesday’s sampler includes: “Meet the Suddenly Ordinary Pats” (Globe); “How The Grinch Stole The Patriots’ Invincibility” (Wall Street Journal); “Patriots Look Ordinary, Vulnerable” (USA Today).

At times like this it’s important try to remember the secret weapon of the Patriot reign of the last 18 years.

It’s the time-tested, Walt Coleman/Pete Carroll/Richard Berman Factor.

I am talking about the horseshoe. The juju. The karma. I’m talking about the football gods that always shine on the House of Kraft. When all hope is lost, we need to remember that there’s almost always a Tuck Rule, a goofy slant pass, or a Patriot-lovin’ federal judge just around the corner.

Leaving aside the fact that Judge Berman did not help the Patriots win any games, we'd just like to point out the last two Shank columns seriously contradict each other, and he does not care in the slightest if anyone notices this.

Asking The Tough Questions

Not a difficult call, but when the New England Patriots lose two games in a row, it's all hands on deck to ask whether The End Is Near:

PITTSBURGH — Have we reached the expiration date on the Patriots dynasty?

We’ve wondered this before. And each time the Patriots have answered with another surge to a Super Bowl. That could still happen again between now and February. The weakened 2018 Patriots should be able to win their final two regular-season games (home layups with the Bills and Jets) and perhaps the Chiefs, Chargers, Texans, Ravens, Steelers, and Colts will all go south before the start of the NFL tournament. It’s possible that these Patriots could still secure a first-round bye, have their way in January, win a couple of games at Gillette, and mock their detractors on the way to Atlanta for Super Bowl LIII.

And speaking of 'detractors'...

...
But it doesn’t feel like another Patriots playoff surge is coming, does it? There comes a time when mystique and aura are nothing more than smoke and mirrors. There comes a time when being smarter is not enough, when waiting for the other guy to step on his own appendage will not guarantee victory. There comes a time when your own ability and execution are more important than all the good things that have happened before. There comes a time when you will not get the benefit of some strange rule that will be changed during the offseason. There come a time when assuming the other guy will lose his mind and hand you the game is more hope than reality.

So Miami and Pittsburgh weren't 'tomato cans' after all? Or is that going to be the theme for the next two weeks (with the upcoming Bills and Jets games)? It's almost confusing, unless you know that the 'tomato can' theory is complete bullshit and used just to get a rise out of Patriots fans.

You Were Saying?

Steerlers 1st and goal from 4. Come away with nothing. This is paint-by-numbers formula for losing to New England. Defeat by stupidity.
Wait for it.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 16, 2018

Wait for Shank to blister the Patriots with a column to the contrary any moment now...

Original Gameday Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Bet you've never heard this one before!

Pats lose toss. Steelers take the ball.
Playing right into Bill's hands.
When will they ever learn?
now watch Steelers go from 4 seed to 8 seed. In three hours.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 16, 2018

Return Of The Tomato Cans - Part Deux!

You just knew this was coming, didn't you?

PITTSBURGH — This is football country. It’s the home of Mean Joe Greene, the Steel Curtain, the Terrible Towel and the Immaculate Reception. It’s where thick-fingered fans belly up to the bar for a shot-and-a-beer after an overnight shift. It’s the birthplace of Johnny Unitas and Dan Marino. It’s where folks speak in reverent tones about the Rooney family, Chuck Noll, and six Super Bowl championships — more than any NFL franchise.

Swell.

So how in the name of Terry Bradshaw did quaint Olde New England become a football region capable of mocking the vaunted gridiron culture of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania?

Because of the five Super Bowl championships by the Patriots?

The Patriots are at Heinz Field on Sunday and no one in Greater Boston is worried about the outcome. The 2018 Steelers probably have more talent than this year’s Patriots. The Steelers are playing at home and have much on the line. The Steelers will have 68,000 black-and-gold clad fans making it difficult for Tom Brady to hear when the Patriots offense goes to work in the enclosed end of the stadium.

And none of it will matter. The Patriots will beat the Steelers because they always beat the Steelers. In this century, the gridiron glory and tradition belongs to Bill Belichick, Brady, and Patriot Nation. Pats fans laugh at the Steelers and make fun of them as if they are the Tampa Bay Rays or the Orlando Magic.

Milking It, By Dan Shaughnessy - A Continuing Series

Not content with ragging on the Patriots a single time for their loss last Sunday to the Miami Dolphins, he feels the need to do so a second time this week.

We’re on to Pittsburgh . . .

Actually, no. This is New England in 2018, and we don’t let go of a horrible loss. Not overnight. Not in a couple of days. Sometimes never.

“It’s the National Football League,’’ Bill Belichick reminded us on WEEI Monday. “No one died.’’

That’s easy for you to say, Bill. Here in New England, we never let these things go (anyone seen Malcolm Butler?). We dissect and analyze. We perform an autopsy. We spit out pieces of our broken luck and wallow in a quagmire of agony. We seek counseling.

And we rate the pain.

And write column after column after column about huge, heartbreaking losses by the pro sports teams in Boston like the relentlessly negative asshole he is.

Loving The Loss

There's no other way to describe this latest column of Shank's - he's absolutely delighted about the Patriots' 34-33 loss to the Dolphins on Sunday.

MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — OK, let’s just call it the worst non-playoff loss in Boston sports history.

Hyperbole?

Maybe not. I dare you to come up with anything more hideous and ghoulish than what happened to the Patriots at Hard Rock Stadium Sunday afternoon. And the consequences are likely to be enormous.

By now you have probably seen the Dolphins’ hook and ladder/double lateral a million times. You’ve seen the 69-yard touchdown scramble pass play with seven seconds left in the game. It was Ryan Tannehill to Kenny Stills to DeVante Parker to Kenyan Drake. The lasting image of the play will be that of the world’s largest defensive back — Achilles’-aching Rob Gronkowski — diving in vain as Drake bolted past him and into the end zone after time expired. The only thing missing was the trombone player from the Stanford marching band.

Talk of tomato cans, luck and everything falling the Patriots' way will start again soon, but not until Shank does a victory lap over the next couple of days, and he will be insufferable on his next Sports Hub appearance.

DHL Dan - LXXIX

Just what I wanted for Christmas - another picked-up pieces column!

The Baseball President

Shank's latest column, on the recently deceased former President:

No president was more of a baseball guy than George H.W. Bush

George Herbert Walker Bush was a baseball guy.

He had a photo taken with Babe Ruth. He played college ball against Vin Scully and twice played in the College World Series in Omaha. He got Ted Williams to campaign for him in New Hampshire in 1988. He invited Ted and Joe DiMaggio to the Rose Garden for lunch in 1991 — the 50th anniversary of Ted’s .406 season and Joe’s 56-game hitting streak. Bush presented Ted with the Presidential Medal of Freedom that same year.

Bush entertained fellow Texan Roger Clemens at the White House in the summer of 1986 and invited a pack of sportswriters to the Roosevelt Room to talk about baseball before the start of the 1989 playoffs.

Whoops!

More evidence that Shank does not have an editor:

.@Dan_Shaughnessy: Here’s all you need to know — Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are 37-5 in December in Foxborough. https://t.co/0P40YDfgiv

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) December 3, 2018

Correction: The Patriots are 33-4 in Foxboroughin December during the Brady/Belichickera. https://t.co/brQlSeifM7

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) December 3, 2018

Living In The Past, A Continuing Series

Dear Bill Belichick:

Remember when your Patriots team sucked big hairy donkey balls? I do!

Sincerely,

Your pal, Shank

The Patriots have an important home game against the Vikings on Sunday. The Patriots currently are the No. 2 seed in the AFC and stand a chance to earn the conference’s top spot over the last five weeks of the season. New England is primed to win its division for the 10th consecutive season and we fully expect the Patriots to be in the AFC Championship game for the eighth straight year. A ninth Super Bowl for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady is certainly a possibility for Feb. 3.

It wasn’t always like this.

And I’m not talking about Billy Sullivan, Rod Rust, or the Foxborough Follies of the 20th century.

Anybody remember when Bill Belichick was the local football doofus and the Patriots were the Tomato Cans of the AFC East?

Shank sure does - to no one's surprise, he already wrote this column two-plus years ago and reuses it again today. What does this have to do with today's game? Absolutely nothing, other than to once again troll Patriots fans, take a dump on Bill Belichick and generally be an asshole.