Back On The Bandwagon

With Shank's second column on the New England Patriots this season, he goes all in on the bandwagon hijacking.

There’s been a lot of nice noise about Boston sports statues in recent weeks. Within a month we unveiled Bronze Yaz and Bronze Bill Russell. Now, in the the afterglow of the magical October of David Ortiz, there’s a rush to see Big Papi set in stone.

In this spirit, I submit a case for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Not today. Not tomorrow. But someday when this fantastic football fable is finished. It may be a long time from now. As the ever-amazing Patriots rest in the hard-earned comfort of their 7-2 record on their bye weekend, there is no indication that Belichick and Brady are near the end. Long may they run.

The Belichick-Brady combo is professional sports’ most successful coach-player partnership since Red Auerbach and Russell ruled the basketball world from 1956-69.

From the column's comments section, the combinations of Vince Lombardi / Bart Starr and Phil Jackson / Michael Jordan were overlooked and / or ignored. Throw in an Elvis & John Lennon mention and the obligatory cheap shot to Patriots ownership, and you have a carbon copy Patriots Bandwagon Column^TM.

What? No Blue Christmas?

Not content to write yet another meandering picked up pieces column, he even manages to choose weak Christmas music:

Picked up pieces while listening to Mitch Miller Christmas carols . . .

How can you not pick The King?

What follows from the dreadful opening sentence is the fruitcake of sports opinion columns. Feel free to regift this one!

The Curse of Juan González?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI article features the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers in the ALDS, currently tied at 2 games apiece. As befits Shank's primary strength, he focuses on the Rangers' playoff futility:

The Texas Rangers might be moving slowly Tuesday night when they play the Tampa Bay Rays in the fifth and deciding game of their American League Division Series. The Rangers will be carrying the weight of five decades of failure. It's a heavy load.

Born as the second version of the Washington Senators in 1961, the Rangers are the only major league franchise which has never won a playoff series. That's oh-for-a-half-century. It's a lot of weight.

A decent column follows, including an Elvis sighting and a few sentences on the Red Sox. Just don't call Shank provincial!

Another Picked Up Pieces Column

Shank treats us to the columnist's version of the mulligan. There are a few interesting tidbits, but it's more accurate to describe this particular column as 'something written after a Super Bowl hangover', including shots at Bill Belichick, Nomar Garciaparra, Kevin Garnett, and, yes, there's an Elvis sighting.

One nitpick - it's 'Baba O'Riley'. At least he didn't call it 'Teenage Wasteland'. Nice editing job, guys...

Off The Bandwagon Dan

Shank downplays the Patriots chances just before yesterday's loss to the Baltimore Ravens. Funny how a mere three days changes one's tune, isn't it? The Curse of The Shank lives on!

The column is chock full of classic Shankisms. Here is the disowning of the New England Patriots:

...
Which brings us to your New England Patriots as they prepare for their first playoff game since their shocking defeat in Glendale, Ariz., in Super Bowl XLII two years ago.

Schizoid Shank (remember, he was hyping the Pats a mere three days ago):

Despite all of the above, there has been lukewarm anticipation for today’s first-round game against the wild-card Baltimore Ravens.

There's a Woodstock reference:

The Patriots this season were a horrible, heartless road team (2-6), and last week lost their go-to guy when slot receiver Wes Welker blew out his knee on some bad grass in Houston (never to be confused with the bad grass at Woodstock).

And there's an Elvis sighting:

That’s one playoff victory since Dwight Eisenhower was in the White House. One playoff win since the invention of the Barbie doll. One playoff win since Elvis reported to his draft board in Memphis. One playoff win since Alaska and Hawaii became states.

DHL Dan, mailing in yet another column...

Confirming The Obvious

Shank weighs in on Sunday's upcoming playoff game between the Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. If you were expecting Shank's standard half-hearted mail-in column, you won't be disappointed:

...

The X’s and O’s will be dissected and analyzed all week. Deep thinkers of football will make rational predictions based on the strengths and weaknesses of both teams.

Not me.

"Not me." - the deep thinker part or the rational prediction part?

Theater Of The Absurd

Shank finally takes interest in the World Series, and that's because Pedro Martinez will take the mound tonight against the New York Yankees. That, or he's playing the New England angle. Some note the shameless appropriation angle of the column, while the rest of us bask in the irony of Shank hyping Pedro to death years after spearheading the effort to run him out of Boston.

"Hey, Pedro, we're cool, right?"

Add in an Elvis sighting and a dig at Schilling, and it's a wrap...