Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Time To Pounce

Did you ever notice how Shank only seems to comment on the Boston Red Sox after a loss?

Monday, August 29, 2016


It must be the dog days of summer - Shank just mailed in his second consecutive column:
Picked-up pieces while getting fired up for the 15th annual WEEI/NESN Jimmy Fund Radio Telethon, which unfolds Monday and Tuesday.

■ Remember how much we all liked Colin Kaepernick before Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans?

■ This Brady-Garoppolo soap opera is really interesting. How much of it is a media creation? How much is real?
I'd say 100% and 0%, respectively. And for some reason, Shank still wonders why fans can't stand people in the media.

Sunday, August 28, 2016


Nothing says lazy and mailed-in column quite like a transparent attempt at pretending to like the local professional sports teams and using college-bound kids as props to make the sale.
Time to go. It’s the saddest weekend of the year for parents of 18-year-olds who are loading up the Volvo for that maiden trip to Syracuse/Ann Arbor/Ithaca/Name That College Town.
Because everybody drives Volvos and sends their kids to expensive jock factories like Syracuse and Michigan. No snobbery there!
All the stuff is packed. Pillows and linens from Bed Bath & Beyond. Foam pillowtop mattress. Hot plate. Bean bag chair. Pop-up hamper. Power strip. Xbox. Flat screen. Mini-fridge. Microwave. Laptop. Beer pong kit. Shower caddy. Flip-flops. Framed photos of the family dog. Posters. Winter coat.

Here is something else that’s making the trip . . . something that takes up no space in the family wagon: Our kids will go off to college carrying the love, care, and pride they have for the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins.
You know, the same 'love, care, and pride' that show up in none of his columns. What a fraud.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Unusual Pairing

How often do you see the words 'interesting' and 'Dan Shaughnessy' in the same sentence?

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Controversy Created

Shank finds an angle with which to stir the pot with respect to the Patriots:
Don’t look now, but Patriots have a quarterback controversy

Quarterback controversy.

It is the bane of existence for all NFL head coaches. The Clown Show New York Jets have a quarterback controversy just about every other week. The Bills and Dolphins also specialize in quarterback controversies.

This is one of the reasons the Patriots have been able to win their Tomato Can Division in 13 of the last 15 seasons. The Jets, Dolphins, and Bills have had loser quarterbacks during this stretch.

Think about it, people. In the 15 years since Tom Brady took over as quarterback of the Patriots, who would be the “next-best” quarterback in the division? Chad Pennington, perhaps? In an aggregate 45 seasons of Jets, Bills, and Fins, the best they can come up with is Chad Pennington?
He gives the game away in the next paragraph:
Now the Patriots have a quarterback controversy of their own. Sort of.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Master Of The Obvious

Shank gets a few things right with his latest tweet:

Monday, August 22, 2016


Or, The One Where Shank Makes Up Fake Friends:
Tom Brady hasn’t been seen in Foxborough since before Thursday night’s preseason game with the Bears.

Injured? Pouting?

The Patriots aren’t saying anything. And their fans just love it.
Here's what prompted Shank to write this column (besides his hatred of Robert Kraft) - the New England Patriots and coach Bill Belichick are tight lipped about Tom Brady, who supposedly cut his thumb on Thursday and hasn't been at the stadium since that time. The lack of information and cooperation with the media sticks in Shank's craw, so he writes a whiny column about it
Around here, every day is Patriots Day. Some days are just more sweet than others. Monday was one of those days, as Patriots fans celebrated the fifth consecutive day of no information regarding the most important player in franchise history.
It's the preseason - no one gives a shit, Shank.
I bumped into a couple of Patriots loyalists at a pub in Brighton, and they could barely contain their joy.
That's the only believable part of the column. These types of Shank columns come across as absurd, and when combined with his trademark negativity, it is truly a turd to behold.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Pap Smear

Shank wants the Sox to bring back their former closer Jonathan Papelbon.

In making the case, he regurgitates all the same rationale he used when Paps left in 2011:

He put a cardboard 12-pack box on his head. Check!
Detailed recap of last game as a Sox pitcher. Check!
"Accountability." Check!
Chicken-and-beer. Check!
“I’m Shipping Up To Boston.’’ Check!

Sorry, we're done with that. And no matter how badly The CHB wants a new storyline, the Sox don't need another reliever who can't get anyone out. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

The Ultimate Weathervane - XXIX (Estimated)

Shank, who wasn't worried about David Price, then was worried about David Price, then wasn't worried about David Price, then was sorta, kinda worried about David Price, isn't currently worried about David Price:
This might sound strange coming from me, but I think folks around here have been too tough on David Price this season.

OK, let’s start with the acknowledgement that $217 million is a big bag of money and Price has not been the pitcher the Red Sox thought they were buying. He has not been Roger Clemens 1986, Pedro Martinez 1999-2000, or even Josh Beckett 2007.

He has not been the David Price of 2009-15. He has not been the 23-year-old flamethrower who came out of the bullpen to fan J.D. Drew with the bases loaded in Game 7 of the 2008 ALCS, effectively sending the Tampa Bay Rays to the World Series.

But Price has not been a meatball artist. He has not been an embarrassment. He has not been Matt Young, Jack Clark, or Carl Crawford.
Quit bullshitting us, Shank - we know you better than that! What former Red Sox player did you compare him to three months ago?
Not now. Price at this hour is in full Carl Crawford mode.
Tune in next week, when Shank switches back again like a bike rider going up L'Alpe d'Huez...

Accentuating The Positive

Presented without comment:

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

2016 Local Olympic Update

...and the podium positions for Boston's Biggest Sports Asshole look like this:

The Distilled Shaughnessy - III

Bryan Joiner at the Over The Monster blog takes a nice warm piss on Shank's latest column:
Look, I know going after Shaughnessy is a losing effort, and I know even Peter Gammons has nice things to say about the work that got him into the Hall of Fame (that's not technically correct - ed.). I can't speak to that, and I generally avoid him as part of my bespoke Red Sox media diet, but the dynamics at play here are transparent and unbecoming of any adult that doesn't live halfway up his own curls.

Here's what happened: The Red Sox had two huge wins in a three-day span, and Dan got bored. Ticked off. He felt, more acutely than usual, the uncomfortable feeling that accompanies ostentatious celebrations in the game of failure. The first one hadn't cleared from his memory by the time the second one happened, and a lightbulb went on: There's a narrative on which to buy low.

Everyone knows scoring runs is good. What his theory presupposed is... maybe it isn't? So he slapped a "front-runners" label on the entire team, punishing them for punishing the baseball. Nevermind the team's obvious problems with starting pitching and injuries: The problem is that this young, dynamic squad has a bad attitude, full stop.

It took less than 24 hours for this narrative to disintegrate, because it was printed on toilet paper to begin with. Monday's win was the exact opposite of everything Shaughnessy described. Aside from -- or because of -- eighth and ninth inning hiccups, it was a crisp win that showed exactly how this team can still do some real damage this season. Will they? I don't know. I'm in the business of analysis, not truthiness. Shaughnessy is in the business of what feels true, not what is true, and his job is to get ahead of the gut feelings of Red Sox fans and give voice to them.

He is a front-runner, and the attacks he makes on his opponents are really just descriptions of himself. I've spent too much time in the real world not to see through this nonsense; as Michael Bloomberg said, a New Yorker knows a con when he sees one. This is the three-card monte of sports columns: The only winning move is not to play.

But I did, and now I'm spinning my wheels trying to disprove his negative assessment. It's impossible by design. He is impossible by design. It's by no means unique among columnists of a certain age and stature, but it's always disappointing. Everyone deserves better than this, even him. He doesn’t need to be judged by his worst moments, but at least the Hall of Fame voters were honest in assessing his best ones.

If only he’d return the favor.
I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting for that to happen.

Here We Go Again

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling just gave Shank more material for his upcoming columns:
(CNN) — Outspoken former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is weighing a bid to unseat Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren when she comes up for re-election in 2018.

In an interview Monday with WRKO's "The Kuhner Report," Schilling said he had begun to seriously consider a political career and that one job had caught his eye.

"I thought about it, and one of the things I would like to do is be one of the people responsible for getting Elizabeth Warren out of politics," he said. "I think she's a nightmare and I think that the Left is holding her up as the second coming of Hillary Clinton, but Lord knows we don't even need the first one."
It should be entertaining, if nothing else.

The Distilled Shaughnessy - II

This picture was added to the Globe's tweet about Shank's latest column after our post went up.

In other words - Shank's a relentlessly negative asshole, and proud of it!

Monday, August 15, 2016

The Distilled Shaughnessy

Shank's latest column can be summed up in two sentences:
Some would say it’s hard to be negative on the day of a 16-2 win. I am happy to oblige.
That's been his M.O. for over three decades. Shank also recycles some stats he lifted from Felger & Massarotti's radio show a few weeks ago

Thursday, August 11, 2016

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XLI

Maybe the idiots at the Boston Globe need to rethink a few things about their current paywall policy (which is easily defeated by deleting your browser cookies):
Washington (AFP) - Paywalls were supposed to help rescue newspapers from the crisis of sinking print circulation as readers shifted to getting their news online.

But with a few exceptions, they have failed to deliver much relief, prompting some news organizations to rethink their digital strategies.

Newspapers in the English-speaking world ended paywalls some 69 times through May 2015, including 41 temporary and 28 permanent drops, according to a study by University of Southern California researchers.

Paywalls "generate only a small fraction of industry revenue," with estimates ranging from one percent in the United States to 10 percent internationally, the study in July's International Journal of Communication said.
If it's not clear to anyone by now that John Henry bought the Globe as a pure real estate play, and not as some noble effort at saving a partisan rag in order to churn out more leftist propaganda, then you have your head up your ass.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Thank You, Captain Obvious

Here's Shank on the Fenway Park crowd's expected reaction to soon-to-be-retiring Alex Rodriguez's last appearance as a player:
If Joe Girardi can tolerate a few more Alex Rodriguez dramatics, he will insert the retiring Yankee into the lineup Tuesday night in Boston and let the Fenway Park crowd take it from there.

No one expects any tributes to be forthcoming.

“I think it’ll be nasty, just people booing,’’ longtime Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy said Monday. “I don’t think there’ll be appreciation. He’s a pariah here, they’re very territorial here. It’s not going to be anything like Mariano [Rivera] or {Derek] Jeter.”
Tough call, I know...

Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Immortals of the Mediocre

Giving awards to yourself and your friends is understandable, I suppose, albeit in a pathetic way. It's like when you see a horribly ugly creature of nature, and you realize that while it has no idea how digusting it is, you sort of feel sorry for it anyway.

Is the blobfish nature's version of the sportswriter?

Last month, as we noted with some ridicule here, The CHB received the J.G. Taylor Spink Award. That's the award sportswriters give to other sportswriters for ... well ... we are still not sure. After all, they are sportswriters, right? They aren't exactly known for their talent.

Is this talent? (At least he can breathe underwater.)
But anyway, they dole 'em out, and they (happily) receive them. Call it the peak of a mediocre career.

What that means, however, is The CHB now has his name listed somewhere in Cooperstown. Not that he's learned anything along the way, as Bryan Curtis at The Ringer learns.  The CHB writes long, biased, negative, nasty, racist and possibly untruthful bile-filled columns about men playing kids' games, then claims, “It’s not personal.” He defends his slough by asserting anything approaching civilty is tantamount to rooting.

So much for journalistic reponsibility to truth and fairness.

And it's awesome to see Larry Bird, whom The CHB can't mention enough in his own (shoddy) work, saying about Shank's crappy sourcing: “He just won’t admit he’s wrong.”

Curtis does a nice job drawing The CHB out, getting him to admit that it's all about Shank: "I’m rooting for myself." Of course he is.

And we learn that Shank is a major prima donna: When he goes to Red Sox spring training, he has the Globe overnight him copies of the paper "so he doesn’t have to read the paper online."

As for Shank, perhaps becoming joining the Immortals of the Mediocre comes with a curse of its own. Since winning the Spink Award in 2015, Tom Gage has lost his job  twice.

Saturday, August 06, 2016

The Obligatory Vin Scully Column

Shank's in Los Angeles for the weekend, so it makes perfect sense, right?
LOS ANGELES — It is more than three hours before the first pitch of the Red Sox-Dodgers game in Chavez Ravine on Friday and Baseball’s Voice of God is already at work in the booth, meticulously penning the lineups into his scorebook.

Vin Scully is lefthanded.

No detail is insignificant when we speak of Baseball’s Voice of God.

The numbers are staggering. Scully is 88 years old. He has broadcast approximately 9,000 Dodger games, which is almost half of the games ever played by a franchise that joined the National League in 1890. In 1950, Scully worked a spring training game that was managed by Connie Mack, who was born during the Civil War. Scully has called 20 no-hitters, 12 All-Star Games, and three perfect games. He called Don Larsen’s perfect game, Hank Aaron’s 715th homer, Kirk Gibson’s iconic walkoff vs. Dennis Eckersley, and Mookie Wilson’s little dribble that went through Bill Buckner’s wickets (”Behind the bag . . . and the Mets win it!’’).
Shank sure loves bringing that one up, doesn't he?

Friday, August 05, 2016

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Eight days after berating Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for not speaking to the media, Shank finally gets his wish.
Tom Brady speaks!

Stop the presses. Freeze Twitter. Close the New York Stock Exchange for 10 minutes. Interrupt all Trump coverage.

Brady ended his six-month silence Friday morning at Patriots practice when he took eight questions from the local football media for approximately five minutes. It was a shoutdown frenzy, and Tom found
Were you happy with Brady's comments?

We got Patriotspeak. Bradyspeak. Zzzzzzz.
And the home stretch:
So now we know how it’s going to be. No surprise there. Led by quarterback Tom Brady — who has been court-ordered to wear the Scarlet D of Deflategate — the Patriots are going to carry themselves publicly as if none of this over-punishment is happening. And then they are going to scorch the earth of Goodell’s NFL America.
That might be the first time Shank described Brady's four game suspension as over-punishment, but in every single column about Deflategate that he wrote, it is perfectly clear that Shank's quite pleased it happened.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XL

The march to bring dormitories across the street from UMass-Boston continues apace:
The Boston Globe has enlisted its newsroom's help in its ongoing reinvention, according to a memo from Editor Brian McGrory — but may be forced to lay off some of that newsroom staff in the near future.

WGBH News media analyst Dan Kennedy obtained a Globe memo outlining a "very broad vision statement" for the future of the paper, following the solicitation of ideas from about department heads and "thought leaders" in the newsroom.

Now, four teams of 12 people each are working on recommendations for the future of the paper, focusing on newsroom culture, workflow, editorial mission, and the business side of the paper.

"… we’re not here to move deck chairs around," McGrory writes in the memo.
Haven't heard that one before...

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Big Ploppy

File under So What?

Today Shank does a double rip on those who had -- and gave away -- David Ortiz.

Over and over, [Twins GM Terry] Ryan has had to explain why he so casually dismissed one of the greatest sluggers of this generation.  
But there is another team that let go of David Ortiz: the Seattle Mariners. 
The Mariners had Big Papi in their stable for the first five years of his professional life, and they were no better than the Twins at evaluating what he would become.

But let's recall who else dismissed Ortiz's ability: The CHB, who once referred to the man who has surpassed Ted Williams in lifetime homers as a "sad sack of you know what."

Guess what else is a sad sack of you know what? Shank's column.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Might Be A Bit Of A Stretch

Shank jumps into the time machine and makes an unconvincing comparison to two big league callups.
SEATTLE — Dwight Evans remembers getting the call. In 1972, he was a 20-year-old outfielder, finishing up the Triple A playoffs with Louisville, when he got word that the Red Sox wanted him to report to Yankee Stadium and be part of the late-season pennant race.

“I got the call in early September,’’ Evans said Tuesday in a phone interview from his home north of Boston. “They told me to meet them in Yankee Stadium.

“I got there early and there was no one at the ballpark and I started walking around by myself. I remember walking to the outfield. There were just a few ground crew guys and people cleaning the stands.

“I remember looking at all those monuments. Gehrig. Ruth. Mantle. DiMaggio. Yogi. It just took me back.
Red Sox minor league outfielder Andrew Benintendi got the call Monday. The major league trading deadline had passed, and the Sox had not acquired any outfield help, so they made a call to Double A Portland, where the 22-year-old Benintendi was summoned for the final two months of the 2016 pennant race.
The Sox stayed in the chase until the final series in Detroit, where they were eliminated on the next-to-last day of the season.
So I guess that season was a failure by Shank standards.

Failure Is Not An Option

One of Shank's favorite column themes - what's gonna happen when things go south?
SEATTLE — The trading deadline came and went and Dave Dombrowski produced no “fireworks.’’ Now it’s up to the people who are still here to make or break this Red Sox season.

Take a good look at the Red Sox today. This is your team for the rest of the year.

Back in January, Sox owner John Henry said that if David Ortiz’s final game is not a playoff game, it would be a “disaster.’’ That’s pretty much where it stands today. After an offseason of spending and the amazing thunder of April and May, this team needs to make the playoffs. If the Sox don’t make it to the postseason, the 2016 season goes down as a failure.
Which is exactly how Shank describes every year the Boston Red Sox do not win the World Series, and even if they do win it all, he chalks it up as a fluke. This is how you know you're dealing with a Grade A asshole. Fuck this guy.