The One Where The CHB Uses a Well-Worn Cliche

"Cody Ross has a flair for the dramatic ...." -- The CHB, Boston Globe, June 20, 2012

"Ross, who has consistently displayed a flair for the dramatic ..."-- Steve Peterson, Bosox Injection, June 20, 2012

"Kevin Youkilis was a fan favorite among the Fenway Faithful, punctuated by his hard play, flair for the dramatic ... " -- Stephen Hewitt, WEEI blog network, June 16, 2012

"... the Red Sox this season ... have had a flair for the dramatic. " -- The Bleacher Report, June 16, 2012

"The Red Sox always show a flair for the dramatic. " -- The Bleacher Report, June 13, 2012

And that's just in one week.

Ugh.

We're Good

Shank stands in the back of the room once again and tells us that the relationship between Dustin Pedroia and Bobby Valentine is hunky dory.

Dustin Pedroia wants you to know that he does not hate Bobby Valentine.

There’s no Bobby V doll in Pedroia’s locker with pins sticking out of it. There’s no Manny Ramirez-Joe Kerrigan thing going on in the Red Sox clubhouse.

“I like Bobby,’’ Pedroia said, a couple of hours before he returned from the disabled list, batting third against the White Sox Thursday night. “I had a relationship with Tito [Terry Francona] over time, but me and Bobby get along great . . . Do I need to wear a [expletive] bike outfit to the field to show I get along with Bobby [Valentine rides his bike everywhere, home and away]? That way, everybody will think we love each other?’’

It is clear throughout the article that Shank isn't buying the story:

What about that game at Wrigley Field when Pedroia stayed at his position when Valentine came out to the mound to talk to a Sox pitcher? It looked like a big diss by the little second baseman.

“I swallowed my dip, man,’’ said Pedroia, sounding very convincing.

If Shank had balls, you'd think he'd just call Pedroia a liar and save us some time; must be a writer's thing.

A gaffe is the inadvertent telling of the truth, right?

What would make him think that anyone thinks the Sox are unhappy?

“I just get that impression,’’ said Pedroia.

Must be the media’s fault. Time to get out the bike shorts.

More often than you think, mate...

No Excuses

When things are going bad for the Red Sox, Shank is at his best.

What’s up with smilin’ Jon Lester?

Other than another curious and abysmal performance by the Red Sox lefthander, Tuesday was a relatively quiet night at Fenway. Nobody went on the disabled list. Nobody said the clubhouse was “toxic,” nor was there any talk about a “disconnect” between Bobby Valentine and his warriors. Bill James was safely locked away in a Kansas basement with no telephone privileges, and no letters were released to Sox season ticket-holders.

But our one takeaway from the Red Sox’ 7-5 loss to the White Sox is that Lester still stinks and nobody knows why.

Can't be anything connected to the incessant, unrelenting negative coverage of the Red Sox this season, right?

Hey, Bruce - when will the Globe drop the paywall?

Follow Dan Shaughnessy On Twitter!

Better yet, don't - it sucks like a shop vac.

Just another example of Shank flipping you the bird.

Close Minded

The CHB thinks Penn State should shut down its football program because a former assistant coach (no longer tied to the program) committed certain atrocities and said atrocities were covered up by the head football coach, the athletic director, a vice president and the president.

But what that good Christian man Shaughnessy doesn't get, of course, is that the coverup is NOT a football problem, or an athletics problem: If a Penn State janitor had been guilty of the same crimes and the administration had covered it up, the school would be in exactly the same position it is now.

No, this is a Penn State University problem, and shutting programs down won't solve anything. Should the Red Sox disband because their former clubhouse manager molested kids for years? Of course not.

Makes me wonder what dirty little secret The CHB is hiding?

Out of It

The Red Sox, who as of this writing are 2.5 games out of the playoffs with 76 games remaining, are a trainwreck, says The CHB.

Hmmm ... how many games did the Rays and Cardinals make up in the last 31 games of the 2011 season, Mr. Short-Term Memory Guy?*

Irony then follows. The CHB says the team is "a parody of itself" and ownership has "lost all sense of accountability." Actually, this reads like he's talking about himself.

*Answer: 9 and 10.5 games, respectively. 

No Son Shine

I suppose it's a bit unfair to note the arrest of The CHB's son on drunk and disorderly charges, except there is some humor in the incident.

To wit: (Son of CHB) Sam Shaughnessy was, among other things, busted for assaulting an officer. Likewise, his father has for decades been an assault on good taste, common sense and humanity.

The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the (brain) dead tree, it seems.

Stuck in His Crawford

In the wake of yesterday's unpleasantries directed at the rehabbing Carl Crawford by some Manchester rube, we sit and wait for The CHB to weigh in on how such behavior shouldn't be tolerated. After all, this is the same scribe who apparently holds those with a "smart, dignified, Christian presence” in high regard. Surely, then, this good Christian man must detest such reprehensible behavior?

Except, of course, he doesn't! As the Globe's Assistant Managing Racist Editor has demonstrated in spades, sensitivity, humility and acceptance are not words taught in any class he took at Holy Cross. Or ever.

P.S. Anyone know if Shank happened to be in the vicinity of Manchvegas last night? Just wondering...

Holy Crap

What a sad state of affairs it is when the former president of Holy Cross dies and one of the alumni interviewed to eulogize him is Dan Shaughnessy.

What a sadder state it is when Shaughnessy touts his "smart, dignified, Christian presence.” This, remember, is the same guy who called David Ortiz a "sad sack of you-know-what" for no apparent reason other than he had signed as a free agent with the Red Sox.

Maybe The CHB had a premonition that Ortiz would someday lead the Red Sox to the Promised Land, thus destroying the "Curse of the Babe" cottage industry Shank had spent (wasted?) his career building up.

Head of Clay

The CHB yesterday on Clay Buchholz's appearance at a charity event at Foxwoods despite medical and team clearance: "No matter how harmless it is ... it looks like a lapse in judgment."

Well, if it weren't for the media like The CHB, no one would even know about it. Certainly no one cares.

Remember Nomar? The CHB Doesn't

The CHB hates the Youkilis deal, saying he would have kept him in Boston no matter his attitude: "They got a bag of balls [for him]."

How things have changed. Was it really eight years ago where under almost identical circumstances he was insisting the Red Sox trade Nomar Garciaparra "(one of the best and most popular players in the history of the Red Sox franchise") because of  injuries and poor play? "Everybody's favorite Red Sox appears to have become a wildly unhappy ballplayer, struggling to return from an injury, resentful of the front office, and determined to walk at the end of the season."

The echoes are resounding. Heck, both players were even traded to the same city. You'd think someone who trades so much on history would, you know, remember some of it.

(At least this time, The CHB didn't falsely announce Youkilis had been traded to the Twins.)

Rehashing in the Ivy

June 17.

Wrigley Field.

Red Sox-Cubs.

"What a Field Day for the Hate," says The CHB, who knows a little something about hating and being hated.

After rehashing, for the umpteenth time, the bad blood between Dale Sveum and the Red Sox owners (really, a misstatement -- there's no reason to think the Red Sox owners don't like Sveum. After all, they employed him for two years and then interviewed him for the manager's job. It is, however, easy to see why Sveum, manager of the worst team in baseball, might be a tad peeved that he had to settle for the Cubs job.); Larry Lucchino and Theo Epstein (never heard that one before); Terry Francona and the Red Sox owners (nor that one); and Starlin Castro and Bobby Valentine (you really think Bobby V cares what a middle infielder on a last place team in the other league thinks of him?).
 
Oh, the humanity.
 Not done, The CHB turns his sights on Josh Beckett, who "simply loves playing the bad guy." Projection alert!

Can't believe he left out Larry Bird and Dr. J. Missed opportunity there.

Swooning for Sveum

Why does The CHB care so much for Dale Sveum?

It can't be because he's been a successful major league manager.

What pictures does Sveum have of The CHB with those farm animals outside of Milwaukee, anyway?

A Novel Approach for the Ape

The CHB interviews Theo Epstein and there's no mention of the gorilla suit. A first!

Cellar Dweller

Shank would like to remind his readers one more time that the Boston Red Sox are last in the American League East.

PHILADELPHIA — They are the last-place Boston Red Sox.

It has become part of their name. They are no longer just the Red Sox. Just as the Wallendas are the Flying Wallendas, and the Bosstones are the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, the Sox are the last-place Red Sox.

Cellar dwellers. Basement boys. Bringing up the rear.

When I was a kid, we had a dumb joke about the Washington Senators. Washington was first in war, first in peace, and last in the American League.

And now the Red Sox are the bottom-feeders of the AL East. Sorry, but it’s hard to get my head around that one.

We are not talking about a tiny sample. After Sunday’s game, the Sox will have played more than one-quarter of their season. And they have been in last place every day of the season. It’s simply hard to believe.

A year ago, they were touted as a 100-win team. “Best Team Ever’’ was the infamous Herald headline. They stumbled out of the gate, then lived up to the billing, playing 40 games over .500 for four months.

I can't get my head around it, but damn, do I like writing about it! Also, remember that Shank was one of the touters.

The rest of the column wallows in its last placedness, and a few quotes from Bobby Valentine & Dustin Pedroia.

The Weathervane

Shank tends to get caught up in the moment. Two days ago he all but said the Celtics will waltz into the next round; now, he's not so sure. You'd think a columnist who's been around as long as Shank would have a more tempered reaction after winning Game 3. Not anymore...

PHILADELPHIA - The tomato cans were falling down in front of the Celtics.

No Bulls. The Heat on the brink of self-immolation. The Celtics had a 2-1 series lead over the Sixers and an 18-point lead in the third quarter of Game 4. They were toying with the young bucks from Philly.

And they let it get away. They blew a golden opportunity to get an almost-free pass into the conference finals. They were beaten Friday night, 92-83.

Now the series is 2-2 and they are going to have to come back here. They might have to play seven. They might even (gulp) lose to these guys.

It's a standard Shank-style recap from that point out.

DHL Dan - XIV

Shank writes his first picked-up pieces column in seven weeks; would you care to guess what the first subject is?

Shame on Curt Schilling

Picked-up pieces while wondering who’ll be next to be “sacked’’ by John Henry and Tom Werner . . .

■ There are parts of Rhode Island where failing to make good on million-dollar loan payments gets you more than a bloody sock. Red Sox adviser Jeremy Kapstein was out front on the 38 Studios loan scam two years ago when he ran for Rhode Island Lieutenant Governor and told WPRO-AM, “I have serious questions about the viability of that kind of offer to a company that is full of questions.’’

Kapstein was not alone. Massachusetts officials scoffed at the notion of loaning Curt Schilling’s company $75 million. The following appeared in this space in July 2010: “Hats off to the ship of fools known as the Rhode Island Economic Development Corp. The RIEDC yesterday pledged a $75 million loan guarantee to lure Curt Schilling’s game company (the one with no games) to the Ocean State. It’s the best demonstration of sports sycophants gone wild with public money since the yahoos in Connecticut promised to give Bob Kraft the world to move his team to Yo Adriaen’s Landing in Hartford.’’

RIEDC director Keith Stokes resigned yesterday.

No thinking person wants to see a company fail (unless it's the NYT - ed.). There are hundreds of jobs at stake. But it’s hard to believe that Schilling, who earned $114 million during his baseball career, can’t make a $1.1 million loan payment.

Schilling is the man who railed about government spending, then had his hand out for corporate welfare, and now asks for more help from the confederacy of dunces in Rhode Island. This is not the Rhode Island Enron, and Schill is not Jeffrey Skilling, but it is bad, and it was avoidable if not for public officials losing all common sense in the aura of a baseball player who delivered on a promise to bring us a championship.

Takin' Care Of Business

Shank states the self-evident in today's column.

PHILADELPHIA - At halftime of Game 2 at TD Garden Monday night, Charles Barkley said on TNT, “It’s 100 percent clear to me that the Celtics have zero respect for the 76ers.’’
I’ll second that.
Everybody knows the Celtics are better than the Sixers. And that includes the Celtics. It’s easy to see why the Celtics might be taking their opponents lightly.
The Celtics throttled the Sixers, 107-91, at the Wells Fargo Center Wednesday night to take a 2-1 series lead in this Eastern Conference semifinal.
Philadelphia coach Doug Collins acknowledged that the Celtics are already looking ahead to the next round.
“I think they are looking at that other series [Miami-Indiana] a little bit,’’ said Collins. “I think they see Chris Bosh being out. They see a tremendous opportunity for themselves.’’
A series can’t be any closer than 2-1 after three games, but I am inclined to agree with Sir Charles and Collins. The Celtics are toying with the Sixers. It got them in trouble in Game 2 in Boston and it can get them in trouble again. But not Wednesday night.
The Sixers are younger and more athletic than the Celtics, but they are also a No. 8 seed. They staggered at the end of the regular season and barely made the playoffs. By the admission of Collins, they lose just about every close game.

Swing And A Miss

I missed a blue moon event on Sunday - the rare second Shank column in the same day.

The Celtics are everybody’s favorite team in Boston in the spring of 2012, and they won another pulsating playoff game Saturday night, beating the Philadelphia 76ers, 92-91, in Game 1 of their Eastern Conference semifinal series. But it’s hard to get too excited about a series against these Sixers, who are just so young and . . . anonymous. Really. How much energy can you manufacture for this round? Seen anybody wearing a “Iguodala Sucks’’ T-shirt lately?

Now that the Celtics lost Game 2, I guess now is a good a time as any to get excited.

By the way, when does Shank write his next Curt Schilling column? If you're Shank, you generally need someone else to take the first shot at Schilling, then Shank is usually third man in to try to finish him off. Or is this article enough cover fire for Shank to go after Curt's flank?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Shank had a lot of fun writing this column in which he compares and contrasts the Celtics and the Red Sox' differing fortunes this year. And last year as well - the 7-20 record from September 2011 is mentioned, as well as two mentions of chicken & beer, and Josh Beckett golfing.

This came two weeks after the Sox were routed, 15-9, after taking a 9-0 lead in a nationally televised game against the Yankees. According to Valentine, that was supposed to be “rock bottom.’’
Maybe not.
Friday’s Boston sports pages and radio shows offered a stunning juxtaposition of the two local teams. Headlines touting Garnett’s remarkable 28-point, 14-rebound effort in a series-clinching, 3-point win against the Hawks ran alongside Beckett’s poor performance and tone-deaf postgame remarks (“My off day is my off day. . . . We get 18 off days a year’’).
Beckett makes $17 million annually and starts approximately 35 games in a healthy season. Garnett makes $21 million per year, but knows enough not be seen at the Leo J. Martin Golf Course when he’s sitting out with an injury. While Beckett alienated fans with his stubborn and dismissive attitude, Garnett was saying: “I put a lot of work into my craft. I take it seriously.

Beating A Dead Horse?

It's looking like Shank feels that wayabout the Celtics, doesn't it?

ATLANTA - This is a series that needs to be put out of its misery.
The Atlanta Hawks, the no-pride, embarrassing Hawks who stood around and fell behind by 37 points at the Garden Sunday . . . stood tall and beat the Celtics at Philips Arena, 87-86, Tuesday night.
Rajon Rondo stole an inbounds pass in the closing nine seconds, but he dribbled to nowhere and the Celtics never got a shot off. Paul Pierce missed a layup and chucked an airball in the final minute. The Celtics lost track of the foul situation and did not have a timeout after Rondo stole the ball.
“I didn’t like our execution down the stretch,’’ said Celtics coach Doc Rivers. “Overall, they played harder. They played better.’’
So now the series returns to Boston, where the Jurassic Park Green Teamers will try to eliminate the Hawks Thursday night at the Garden. Boston’s 3-1 series lead is now 3-2. These Celtics can’t seem to do anything the easy way, but no Celtics team ever has coughed up a 3-1 series lead.
“They’ve got confidence and momentum,’’ said Pierce with a sigh. “We have to go home and get the job done.’’
Ugh. More uglyball. The Celtics couldn’t hold an 11-point lead in Atlanta in Game 2. They had to go into overtime to win Game 3 at home against a depleted Hawks team that was ready to bring back Sly Williams. The blowout Sunday seemed like Atlanta’s concession speech, but Tuesday night the Celtics couldn’t close it out.

Late Post

I kind of skipped this one Shank column from yesterday, probably because it made a lot of sense and I'm still in shock over that fact.

So, where are we going with this?

Championship banner No. 18? Probably not. But in a year in which the NBA is without a truly elite team (go ahead, count the Heat if you must), the Celtics might as well make a run at the conference finals.

First, they must beat these Atlanta Hawks. And that’s proving to be a little harder than it should be.

The Celtics needed overtime to prevail, 90-84, at the Garden Friday night. They needed overtime to beat a mix-and-match team that was significantly shorthanded. They needed overtime to beat a team that was relying on Tracy McGrady and Erick Dampier. (If Artis Gilmore showed up, Atlanta coach Larry Drew would have put him in the game.)

I think that's been the pattern with the Hawks in recent years - perennial first round playoff opponent, easy for the Celtics on paper, tougher matchups than anticipated when you actually play the games, and the Celtics wind up winning a hard fought series in six or seven games.

Indecision 2012

I'm not talking about the upcoming elections; I'm talking about Shank's latest column, asking if Paul Pierce belongs on the Boston Celtic's all-time starting lineup:

Is it time to put Paul Pierce in the starting five for the all-time Celtics team?

I’m starting to think so.

...

Many of you perhaps already have Paul in your Parquet Pantheon. Not me. I’m a holdout.

...

Hmmmm. Good point. So maybe it should be Pierce alongside Russell, Bird, Havlicek, and Cousy.

On and on it goes, but in the end Shank is there, firmly straddling the fence. And also in the need for the copy desk to get its act together:

Pierce probably belongs. Sure, he has had his moments of immaturity. He played on a lot of bad teams and has only one championship in his pocket. He plays an inelegant game. Some would call it uglyball. But he is the greatest scorer in Celtic history. He has emerged as a leader. And he might be the toughest non-hockey player in the history of our town.

Funny - I thought John Havlicek was the greatest scorer in Celtics history:

John Havlicek is the Celtics all-time leader in points and games played, scoring 26,395 points (20.8 points per game, 11th all-time in points scored in the NBA), and playing in 1,270 games (17th all-time).

Get me rewrite!

Sowing The Seeds Of Doubt

Shank finally does a column on a Red Sox win, but in true Shank fashion, only sees the dark cloud instead of the silver lining.

Clay Buchholz Monday night became the first Red Sox pitcher to give up five or more earned runs in five consecutive starts in 72 years. He also improved his record to 3-1.

Amazing. The guy with the winningest record on the Red Sox has an ERA of 8.69.

The Oakland A’s are the Oakland F’s when it comes to hitting. The not-so-great grandsons of Charles O. Finley came to Fenway with a robust team batting average of .205 in 23 games, easily the lowest in the majors. You’re usually in trouble when your whole team is hitting 5 points north of the Mendoza Line. Where are Brad Pitt and Philip Seymour Hoffman when you really need them?

Guess I'll see Moneyball eventually; maybe that comes with a Globe paywall subscription?

What’s up with Buchholz? He’s put 57 men on base in 29 innings. He’s given up five earned runs three times, six Monday night, and seven in his first start of the season in Detroit. On a lot of teams, this would get you sent to the bullpen or the minors.

Not here. Manager Bobby Valentine said Monday’s outing was “something to build on.’’

Buchholz, in a postgame news conference that bordered on delusional, said, “I felt like it was my most positive outing, except for the line. I walked five guys, but I had my mind made up I wasn’t giving in to guys. I’ll take five walks. That’s how I felt I needed to pitch.’’

Negativity aside, or maybe because of it, this is one of the better Shank articles in a while, which isn't the highest bar to clear.

Shank's Quarterly Hockey Story

Not that it takes Einstein to figure this out, but Shank's Thursday column was on the Bruins' Game 7 loss to the Washington Capitals.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to access the article, even after signing up for the one month subscription, due to a bad link. I'm not going to waste any more time trying to figure out how the Globies managed to make a poorly performing website even worse. If his future articles also have bad / malformed URL's and / or are not able to be accessed, this site will be shutting down sooner than anticipated...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - IX

The parent company of the Boston Globe (the New York Times) is implementing a 'restructuring' of its' pension plan, which has many journalists' panties in a bunch. As if to parody an arrogant, elitist bunch of snobs, the first guy in this clip is wearing a bowtie like the Tom Oliphant Jr. clone he is.

I hope you Globies are taking this to heart; this shitstorm's coming your way...

New York Times staffers, like suffering proles all over the world, belong to a labor union, and over the years the union has negotiated a very comfy defined benefit retirement plan. The staffers love the plan.

But economic reality is intruding. Times management, perhaps reading the coverage in its own pages about the companies and cities going bankrupt due to unsustainable union-bargained pension systems, wants to make a change. It wants to offer a defined contribution plan, instead. Workers and the company pay into a 401(k) plan, workers invest it, and when they retire, that is the amount they have towards their income.

It’s an entitled blue deer, meet onrushing truck kind of moment. The Guild is talking about a strike, and an array of Times staffers, including some famous bylines that are well known in news circles, worry aloud that the new plan could make them eat cat food and sleep in boxes on the street in old age. (Or late middle age, anyway; not one staffer talks about working past 65.)

Nobody in the video talks about the changes in the news business that threatens to drive the Times into a deep dive. Nobody talks about the prospect of future significant staff cuts if costs can’t be contained. None of them discuss the incongruity between their own naive sense of entitlement and what is going on in the cities, companies and countries they cover.

They just want the money.

I wrote the following two years ago:

It's worth remembering this the next time the Boston Globe / New Your Times editorial writers sanctimoniously lecture you about the virtues of unions while their ownership is simultaneously pissing on their own unions...

I sympathize with the Times staff about living in tougher economic conditions,

That makes one of us...

...but that is what people are adjusting to all over the world; I’m not sure what gives them an exemption. Newspaper reporters of all people should have seen this coming long ago, and have made savings and retirement plans on the assumption that their defined benefit plan would be going the way of the passenger pigeon and sooner rather than later.

I know what they feel gives them an exemption - they are (more or less) pretentious, arrogant pricks with an entitlment mentality the size of Canada. I need only to show you the board's resident Globeophile, Bruce M___, as Exhibit A. I will give him some credit for bailing out on the Titantic Globe and taking the buyout in 2008; any (unlikely) defense by him of his former employer on strictly financial terms should be rightly viewed as self-evident hypocrisy.

If anything, their feelings of regret and chagrin should be tinged with at least a soupçon of relief. In the end, a defined benefit plan is only as solid as the company behind it, and given the turmoil on today’s media landscape it’s not at all clear where the Times will be or how it will be restructuring its debt 20 years from now. The good thing about a defined contribution plan is that you don’t lose the money if your ex-employer goes broke.

I doubt they'll make it past ten years from now. Time will tell!

For readers, this is a fascinating and revealing glimpse inside the Times bubble. I am not sure which is more disconcerting; the deeply embedded sense of blue entitlement so palpably on display or the poor political judgement that led the union brass to think that releasing this video to the public would be good PR. Either way it serves as a powerful illustration of just how fundamentally out of touch many of the people working at America’s most famous newspaper have become.

This isn't exactly a shock - there are recent examples of General Motors & Chrysler going south in much the same way - entitled employees and stupid, ossified management. I'm sure further research would point out these two dynamics contributing to many a company's demise.

I like and admire many of the people who write for the Times.

I don't know about you, but I'm having trouble coming up with a single name...

Some of them I have known for years and, happily, the judgment and sensibility behind this video doesn’t characterize everyone who works there. But I suspect that most viewers around the world are going to find this video funny and revealing rather than heartfelt and convincing.

I'm in the former camp, I have the video on replay and my amp's cranked up to eleven...

A Bad Time Was Had By All

First, on Friday the Red Sox celebrate the 100th anniversary of Fenway Park, and lose to the Yankees.

Yesterday the Red Sox sprint out to a 9 - 0 lead, only to lose the game, 15 to 9, also to the Yankees.

Marvel as Dan Shaughnessy basks in the glorious negativity; this is his Super Bowl Week right here.

This is bad. Four Yawkey Way feels like 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. during the final days of the Nixon Administration. It is only April and the Sox have unraveled completely. Saturday night in the park, the Red Sox blew a 9-0 lead in the seventh inning and were thrashed by the Yankees, 15-9. On national television. Mercy. Bobby Valentine has crossed into the Joe Kerrigan Zone. He is the dartboard ornament of Boston baseball. Fans are chanting “We Want Tito,’’ and booing Bobby V every time he pops out of the dugout.

Mercy.

Bobby Valentine has crossed into the Joe Kerrigan Zone. He is the dartboard ornament of Boston baseball. Fans are chanting “We Want Tito’’ (they are not calling for the Yugoslavian president who died in 1980), and booing Bobby V every time he pops out of the dugout. Terry Francona will be in the broadcast booth Sunday, pretending not to be enjoying himself. The Sox are praying for a rainout so they can get out of town without any more hideous home cooking.

Let the speculation on Valentine's future commence:

When is it too early to speculate on Valentine’s future? Would the Sox make a change in April? Would Bobby quit?

Doubtful. But Cal Ripken Sr. didn’t last this long with the 1988 Orioles.

After Saturday’s debacle, I asked Bobby if he was still glad he accepted this job.

“Absolutely,’’ he answered. “It’s my job. If I said I was only going to be in it for the good days, I probably wouldn’t have come. Challenges are great . . . You’ve got to be tough. I think we’re a tough team.’’

This much is certain; Valentine’s bravado is gone. His energy seems spent. The Ultra Brite smile flashes less than it did when the Red Sox were in Fort Myers, still 0-0. This new manager who invented the wrap sandwich and dances like Astaire has become the poster boy for the Sox early-season struggles. John Henry, Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino aren’t on the field to be booed. Ben Cherington doesn’t change pitchers in mid-inning. Theo Epstein made a clean getaway to Chicago. John Lackey and Carl Crawford are on the disabled list.

...

They have lost five in a row. They have not won since Bobby went on Channel 7 and decided it would be a swell idea to call out an eight-year veteran who was part of two championship teams. The cover of Saturday’s New York Post featured a full-page photo of Alex Rodriguez homering at Fenway Friday, headlined, “100 Years of Ass Kicking.’’

This must be the bottom.

Pray for rain. Bobby V and his players need to get out of town as fast as possible.

Programming note - this site will continue to operate for the next month. Once the Globe's online paywall fees increase to $4.00 per week, it will suspend operations indefinitely. I will only encourage the bastards by paying this fee.

My prediction - within three to four months, the Globe will a) sharply revise this paywall fee downward or b) eliminate it altogether. I also note that the Shank article comments section are down sharply. We'll see what happens.

Back To Business Tomorrow

Responses to Shank's columns will resume tomorrow, despite the Boston Globe's recently instituted paywall. I found a few dollars under the cushions of my couch, which should keep things going for a while. That, and given the manner of the Red Sox probably losing this afternoon's game to the Yankees (currently 15 - 9 in the bottom of the eight inning), it will be money well spent to watch Shank shriek in hysterics.

My only question - when will he call for Bobby Valentine to get fired?

To Kill A Newspaper

Whenever there's dissension and controversy with the Red Sox, our man Shank will surely be there to cover it.

I, however, will not. The Globe has instituted its paywall, now requiring me to pay for the 'privilege' of reading the Globe, where the old tricks no longer work. I wonder how long that'll last...

Pop Quiz

Three Boston professional sports teams played games yesterday. Which one did Shank write his latest column on?

A) Red Sox beat the Tampa Bay Rays, 13 - 5;

B) Celtics beat the New Jersey Nets, 94 - 82, or

C) Bruins lose to the Washington Capitals, 2-1 in overtime.

The correct answer is C). I didn't say this would be a difficult quiz!

Bruins fans loved it when Tim Thomas shoved Washington center Nicklas Backstrom in the third period of Saturday’s game. Backstrom kept digging near the crease after Thomas covered a shot, and the Capitals forward absorbed two gloves to the face from the Bruins’ combative netminder.

It was mildly reminiscent of a moment in Game 3 against the Canucks last spring in the Final when Thomas coldcocked Vancouver superstar Henrik Sedin.

Unfortunately for Thomas and the Bruins, Backstrom had his revenge when he scored the winning goal (wrist shot, stick side) nearly three minutes into the second overtime to give the Capitals a series-squaring 2-1 victory over the Bruins.

Shank has written nine columns this month; six of those focused on Red Sox or Bruins losses and the Red Sox' (poor) prospects for the 2012 season.

Dan Shaughnessy - international man of misery...

Still Sour

That's not exactly a news flash, but even with the Red Sox's first home win, Shank still manages to see a dark cloud.

They’ve been playing in the old yard for 100 years now, but rarely has a win felt more urgent or welcome for the Sox and their unsettled fans

...

It was a soft opening, played one week before the baseball bacchanalia promised when the New York Yankees come to town for the official 100th birthday of every New Englander’s summer home, Fenway Park.

Red Sox warriors Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield, decorated veterans of great days at Fenway, emerged from the Green Monster to throw ceremonial first pitches. “You’ve Made Me So Very Happy’’ by Blood, Sweat & Tears blared on the speaker system while the recently retired batterymates made their way toward the mound.

Good choice of a tune. After seven-plus months of chaos and disappointment, the Red Sox on Friday finally reminded us that we can still have good times at the ballpark that has become the franchise’s centerpiece star. Josh Beckett ignored some pregame boos and stuffed the Tampa Bay Rays on five hits over eight innings in a 12-2 Red Sox breakout win. The Sox pounded 16 hits off five Tampa Bay pitchers.

From there, it's a standard game recap and one funny anecdote:

Fans walking from Kenmore Square up Brookline Avenue early in the day got a laugh when they saw the sign over Popeyes that read, “Four out of five pitchers prefer our chicken BEST.’’

Wash, Rinse, Repeat - II

Shank loves recycling. How can you tell, other than the fact that he works for the Boston Globe? Look no further than today's column. The first five or six paragraphs are a rehash of any of his previous dozen Red Sox columns.

Two days after that, Terry Francona - growing in popularity by the hour...

Nice - insert a completely self-serving sentence, in order to help you boost the sales from a book Shank's helping Francona to write.

Whoa. Sorry to be so negative.

And I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell...

And now, for the obligatory "beat up on ownership" section of the column:

Speaking of Sox ownership, a ball club spokesperson said principal owner John Henry will be at the game. We were a little worried about this because Liverpool is playing a big match Saturday and the British tabloids are full of “sacking’’ stories regarding Henry’s futbol club.

Which happens with every English Premier League team as the season winds down, making that point, well, pointless.

Too bad. Henry could do himself a lot of good if he grabbed a microphone during the pregame ceremony and told fans, “We appreciate your loyalty. We’re sorry about all this and we pledge do better.’’

If Shank wasn't already persona non grata with Red Sox ownership, you think his writing a book with Francona helps him in any way, besides the royalties? To me, it will only reinforce this point - that ownership, through Larry Lucchino, will use Shank as an outlet for bad stories, rumors and innuendo, like when Valentine will be blamed for everything if the Sox go on to have a bad season. And that point is - Shank is a tool.

Francona To Red Sox - Piss Off

Weary of writing about the first four losses of the Red Sox's 2012 season, Shank shifts gears and talks to former Sox manager Terry Francona, who will not be attending next week's 100th anniversary celebration of Fenway Park.

Don’t look for former manager Terry Francona at Fenway Park when the Red Sox celebrate the 100th anniversary of their beloved ballpark a week from Friday against the Yankees. Francona is still smarting from the way things ended between himself and the Red Sox after the collapse of 2011.

“Somebody went out of their way to make me look pretty bad,’’ Francona said, referring to a story by the Globe’s Bob Hohler that cited unnamed club sources expressing concerns that Francona’s job performance may have been affected by his use of pain medication. “It’s a shame. I’m sure they’ll have a great event and I was part of a lot of that stuff there, but I just can’t go back there and start hugging people and stuff without feeling a little bit hypocritical.’’

Pretty unusual for Shank to get this kind of access / story, right? That is, until you read the very end of the article:

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at dshaughnessy@globe.com. He is working on a book with Terry Francona on Francona’s career as Red Sox manager.

Interesting...

Off The Bandwagon So Early, Shank?

I've been saying this for a while now - Shank will be all over Bobby Valentine when the first three game losing streak happens.

DETROIT - Bring back Terry Francona?

Why not bring back Joe Kerrigan, Butch Hobson, Dave Lewis, and Pete Carroll while we’re at it?

Did Bobby Valentine have any idea what he was getting himself into?

With many Dan Shaughnessy columns, we are 'treated' to Shankisms, lame lyric fragments and overused words. Today's treats are 'hideous', 'emotional rescue', and a new one for the Shank lexicon, "Schiraldi Eyes" - the eyes a pitcher has as his last pitch achieves lunar orbit. It's the new 'Way Back Wasdin'!

Surely you're keeping track of all this, right? You're not? The ever helpful Shank's right on cue:

If you’re still keeping track, the Red Sox now have lost 23 of their last 30 games. Last season’s 0-6 start has surrendered to this season’s 0-3 as they prepare for the Blue Jays Monday night at Rogers Centre.

To paraphrase a Globe commenter from last year - "Good thing there's always a losing team, or Shank would have nothing to write about."

Armageddon?

The Red Sox lost this afternoon, 13 - 12 in 11 innings, giving the Detroit Tigers a sweep of the series.

You just know Shank's gonna lose it in tomorrow's columm, don't you?

What natural or man-made disaster will Shank use to describe this loss?

* Plague of locusts;

* Drought / famine;

* Three Mile Island, 1979;

* Breakup of the Beatles, 1970;

* Hiroshima & Nagasaki, 1945;

* Lost Russian submarine Kursk, 2000;

* Eruption of Krakatoa, 1883;

* Annual floods in Bangladesh;

* Sunk freighter Edmund Fitzgerald, 1975;

* Haitian earthquake, 2010;

* San Francisco earthquake & fire, 1906; or..

* the bombing of Dresden, 1945?

Just Like September

Alternate headline - "I rewrote Friday's column, inserted the final score, dumped on Josh Beckett and owner John Henry, used the phrase 'chicken and beer' one more time, and presto!"

DETROIT - The omens were all good. The game was played on Bobby Doerr’s 94th birthday. The first pitch was thrown at a Teddy Ballgame time of 4:06. Boston’s absentee owner was buoyed by a big 1-1 draw in Liverpool, and the Red Sox had Josh Beckett on the mound, with a plan to “execute pitches.’’

And then it all came apart in a hail of home runs by the Bash Brothers of Detroit.

What a beating!

Beckett surrendered five, count ’em five, homers in a mere 4 2/3 innings of a 10-0 Tigers beat-down of the Red Sox Saturday. It was the worst possible start for a $17 million pitcher who failed the Sox down the stretch in the epic collapse of 2011, then was outed as a primary perp in the chicken-and-beer fiasco that finished Terry Francona in Boston.

Utterly predictable column, and you'll see the same basic column tomorrow if the Sox lose this afternoon. I'm willing to bet it's already half written...

P.S. - spot the lame lyric fragment - it's classic Shank!

UPDATE at 6:00 P.M. - Deadspin piles on.

Beating A Dead Horse, Ad Infinitum

Shank's Saturday column focuses on today's Red Sox starting pitcher (and 2012 Shank bête noire) Josh Beckett.

DETROIT - Maybe Josh Beckett wasn’t being a swell teammate and selfless guy when he told Bobby Valentine to go ahead and let Jon Lester pitch Opening Day. Maybe Beckett was just being smart. The guy who pitched Game 1 against Justin Verlander was not likely to come away with a win for his effort. Going up against Verlander in 2011-12 is like going up against Pedro Martinez in 1999-2000.

Interesting that Shank lauds Pedro Martinez in consecutive columns. Wasn't it Pedro Martinez that Shank ran out of town nearly a decade ago? Why, yes it was!

Clearly lacking new angles on which to write about the team or individual players, Shank is more than happy to remind readers yet again about the Red Sox circa September 2011.

The tall Texan can complain all he wants about snitches in the clubhouse and folks who don’t understand that his wife was about to have their first baby when things fell apart for the Red Sox last September. He can roll his eyes when talk shows in Boston overreact to his little side trip to visit a doctor a few days before the start of the season.

...

Beckett got fat and sloppy last season. He was outed as a ringleader in the Beer-and-Chicken debacle. And in a season in which he went 13-7 with a nifty 2.89 ERA, he came up small when it mattered.

...

Beckett gets the ball Saturday afternoon. It’s a chance to restore his place as a staff stopper and leader. It’s a chance to make folks forget some of the bad things that happened at the end last year.

The best way to forget some of the bad things that happened last year would be to stop writing about them in every damn column. This horse isn't just dead; it's decomposing.

Glass Half Empty - II

The Detroit Tigers won yesterday's Opening Day game by a score of 3 -2. In a fashion that should surprise no one, Shank made many, many comparisons to last year's Red Sox team, and I have no doubt whatsoever this will be the main theme every time he writes about a Red Sox loss. I was actually having a flashback to Game Six of the 1986 World Series when I was reading this column.

In typical Shank fashion, only he can describe the outcome thusly:

And that is precisely how a Tigers win became a Red Sox loss.

Stolen from the comments section (re: Shank's use of decades old song lyrics - "Wearing road grays, they jogged off the field, spitting out pieces of their broken luck after a one-out, walkoff RBI single to left field."):

Dan- Ian Anderson called, he wants a (royalty) check.

If the Red Sox lose the next two games, it will be fun to watch Shank blow a head gasket.

Expect The Unexpected

Shank musters the energy to write his first column in a week about the prospects for the 2012 Boston Red Sox. As any 'fan' of Shank knows, such columns are full of the trademark cheery optimism that he's renowned for the world over.

DETROIT — I We traditionally overrate the Red Sox. They have the best lineup. They have too much pitching. They have great ownership. They have dedicated fans and a cozy, celebrity ballpark. This is the year. Best Team Ever. Leave calendars open for October. Strawberry Fields Forever.

Shank obviously doesn't listen to WFNX...

Not this year. No one is picking the Red Sox to win. The Sox are careening down the dugout steps and they haven’t even played a game yet. The Red Sox this year are underdogs, hiding in the weeds while all the attention is focused on American League teams from New York, Detroit, Anaheim, Dallas-Fort Worth, and Tampa Bay.

From there, he goes on to chronicle the Sox' 2011 collapse, which by my count is the 200th time he's done so since October 1, 2011. We are deprived of a 'chicken and beer' mention, perhaps because he's used up the quota for the year.

Just remember the Reverse Shank Curse - last year he was helping to hype the 2011 Red Sox as the best team EVAH! and the Sox wound up missing the playoffs. With that in mind, the Sox should be a lock to make the playoffs this year.

P.S. - does Shank start ripping Bobby Valentine with the first three-game losing streak? I think that's another lock.

Nobody's Favorite

That's how Shank describes the 2012 Red Sox and their chances of winning anything this year, weaving this thought into an interview with Kevin Youlkilis.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - After years of being overrated, the Red Sox might be going the other way this season. One year after a spring peppered with talk of 100 wins and BEST TEAM EVER, (which Shank helped to hype - ed.) the Sox are nobody’s favorite to win the 2012 World Series. Sports Illustrated (where he used to write additional columns before he apparently got shitcanned and his name recently removed from the dropdown list of available CNN / SI writers - ed.) picks the Sox to finish third in the American League East. Some of us might even go lower.

Shank tries to get personal with Youk:

I had one more question for Youkilis. Has it occurred to him that someday soon he will be the brother-in-law of Gisele Bundchen - just as Sox center fielder Dominic DiMaggio was once the brother-in-law of Marilyn Monroe?

“Where are you going with this?’’ asked Youk. “Can’t we go back to talking about Tito and baseball?’’

OK. Opening Day is Thursday in Detroit. Look for Kevin Youkilis at third base, batting cleanup.

Look for Shank's next column at www.sportsillustrated.com. Not!

The Gang's All Here

Something tells me Shank's been waiting to write this column for years...

FORT MYERS, Fla. - It’s true. I checked. (first time this year! - ed.) As part of Fenway Park’s 100th anniversary celebration (have you heard about it, by chance?), the Red Sox are inviting everyone who ever wore a Sox uniform back for the April 20 ballpark-palooza.

Red Sox vice president/emeritus and team historian Dick Bresciani, who has been working in the Fenway offices since 1972, confirmed this week that the Sox are trying to bring everybody back. It’s all-inclusive.

“We’re inviting all the ones we have addresses for,’’ said Bresciani. “It’s a list of about 500 ballplayers, coaches, and managers.’’

And the possibilities are endless.

...

“He was an All-Star center fielder in his first year with the Red Sox. A switch-hitter with power from both sides of the plate, he scared the hell out of teammates, umpires, and media members. He head-butted Ron Kulpa, rolled on the clubhouse carpet with Darren Lewis, and told Joe Kerrigan to [expletive] off. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for ‘Jurassic’ Carl Everett!’’

“He was brought on board by Dan Duquette to replace Mo Vaughn. He was an All-Star in his first season with the Sox and later made a name for himself by assaulting another player with a bat. Let’s hear it for ‘meaner-than-a-junkyard-dog’ Jose Offerman.’’

“He was perhaps the biggest nitwit ever to play for the local nine, a guy who knocked a home run over the wall with his head. He’ll live forever as baseball’s Face of Steroids, please say hello to Jose Canseco!’’

Nice, entertaining column by Shank; has he used up his quota of these columns already this year?

Going Down

The Red Sox made some roster moves yesterday, including sending shortstop Jose Iglesias to the minors. Our Man Shank is on the scene:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine came out of his office and poked his head into the Red Sox clubhouse at 9:13 Tuesday morning. The manager was looking for 22-year-old shortstop Jose Iglesias.

Time for a meeting.

In the NFL, they tell you, “Bring your playbook.’’

One minor quibble:

The demotion of Iglesias means that 31-year-old veteran Mike Aviles will open the season at shortstop for the Red Sox. The Aviles vs. Iglesias competition provided abundant speculation throughout the first five weeks of spring training.

And Shank didn't write a single god damned word about it for five weeks. Until now. Not that I'm saying he's lazy or anything...

Catching Up

... on a two week absence, Shank interviews Red Sox pitcher John Lackey, out for the 2012 season with an elbow injury. A pretty good column ensues; "chicken and beer" is, of course, mentioned, and we get a timely and accurate quote from Lackey:

I reminded him that he used to be a go-to guy for the media in Orange County.

“Nothing positive ever comes out of saying anything here,’’ he said.

Or to Shank - I hope John Lackey remembers that.

Where's Waldo Shank?

The Boston Globe's only remaining (alleged) full-time columnist has now been absent for an entire fortnight. The other Globe columnist, Bob Ryan, having announced his retirement five weeks ago, might be expected to coast into retirement. Instead, he has submitted five more columns just in the past week alone than has Our Man Shank.

Did the last two weeks in the baking Florida sun take all the piss out of him? Clearly, Shank is not being paid by the word.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - VIII

I think it was Foucault who once famously said, "The Boston Globe ain't going anywhere".

Well, going south is going somewhere, isn't it?

The headlines about the US newspaper industry have never been so bleak.

In recent weeks, LinkedIn, the networking website, and the Council of Economic Advisers have reported that the press is “America’s fastest-shrinking industry”, measured by jobs lost; the Newspaper Association of America has shown that advertising sales have halved since 2005 and are now at 1984’s level; and the Pew Research Center has found that for every digital ad dollar they earned, they lost $7 in print ads.

But wait... there's more!

Departing executives and bankruptcy advisers have been among the few people making good money from newspapers. The chief executives of Gannett and the New York Times (The Boston Globe's parent company - ed.) left in recent months with packages worth $37m and $24m respectively, while advisers to Tribune’s Chapter 11 proceedings have earned $233m.

...

Publishers have focused particularly closely on the New York Times, which began charging for online content a year ago and counted 390,000 digital subscribers by December. Barclays Capital estimated this month that digital subscriptions could add $100m to the group’s annual circulation revenues, more than offsetting an estimated $50m-$60m annual decline in print advertising.

That hasn't stopped a certain commenter, insistent in the Globe's lifespan, from bailing out on them in 2008. Hypocrisy, writ large...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - VII

Since Shank's a part-time columnist, we need some blog filler, right?

O, brave new world that has so few paper products in it! The earth’s best-known encyclopedia (or encylopaedia, if you want to be all proper about it) announced today that it is producing no more print editions. Like so many newspapers and publishing houses, Encyclopaedia Britannica is going completely digital—after 244 years of providing some of the finest page-flipping man has ever seen. While the trees may breathe easy and people who write “r” instead of “are” may not understand why this is news, a certain crowd will shed a nostalgic tear for the Boston Globe on Dead Tree this 32-volume set, once the lifeblood of door-to-door salesmen and false comfort that there was a finite, digestible amount of facts worth knowing.

That above sentence fragment needed emphasis, lest the point gets lost on certain folk...

DHL Dan - XIII

Four days since his last column, Shank has had enough time to watch a few more Red Sox games, thoughtfully evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of the current lineup, and give a rational assessment of this year's squad.

Ah, who am I kidding? Shank inflicts another picked up pieces column on us:

...

The Sox still have holes at shortstop, left field, and right field. They have downgraded at closer. They don’t have fourth and fifth starters. New York, Tampa, Texas, Anaheim, and Detroit all got better. The Sox are not better. Anybody else skeptical about the Local Nine? Who will be the first to note that the home opener is on Friday the 13th?

I like how Shank always accentuates the positive...

What's this? Shank turning sour on Adrian Gonzalez? It's like two peas in a pod!

Gonzalez is one sour dude. Almost Nomar-esque. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

Gonzo and Nomar mentioned in the same sentence? Consider it a badge of honor to make it to Shank's Shit List^TM. Remember when Shank had a man crush on Gonzalez? Seems like only yesterday.

Talk too much (Schilling, Manny) and Shank doesn't like you. Don't talk enough (Gonzalez) and Shank doesn't like you. Buy an English Premier League soccer team (Henry) and Shank dumps on you every other column. Is this guy ever happy with anyone?

He Shall Return

Shank writes a pretty good column on former Red Sox manager Dan Duquette, now the head of baseball operations for the Baltimore Orioles.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Full circle. Ten years after. Lots of water under the Edison Bridge.

Exactly one decade after he was fired by John Henry and Larry Lucchino at the Sanibel Harbour Resort, Dan Duquette returned to Fort Myers yesterday. He is the new executive vice president/baseball operations for the moribund Baltimore Orioles.

“I’m glad to be back, glad to be working for the Orioles, and I’m glad to get another opportunity,’’ Duquette said in the press box at Fenway South Tuesday. “I’m glad to back in the major leagues.’’

Surprisingly, Shank was not calling for Duquette's head (his usual M.O.) just before new ownership relieved him of his duties back in late 2001; quite the opposite, in fact. I guess Shank saves those special 'run them out of town' efforts just for Red Sox players.

A New Day

The new Fort Myers' baseball park had it's official Opening Day yesterday, and Shank is there to cover it. I was expecting Shank to completely rip Josh Beckett a new one in this column, but the appearance of many former Red Sox players at the Opening Day festivities nixed that angle.

We'll just have to settle for a single "chicken and beer" mention (and incredibly, a comparison of the Sox 2011 collapse to the fall of Saigon) and know it will probably be used every time Shank writes about Curt Schilling Manny Ramirez Josh Beckett.

The Redemption Tour

Shank offers a game recap of Jon Lester's first start of 2012, two innings of work against Northeastern's baseball squad.

My column recap - the Shank phrase of the year ("chicken and beer") makes two appearances in this column, Lester sounds sincere in wanting to make up for last year's September performance, and that's about it.

The comparisons with the previous administration (read: Francona as manager - ed) will not go away.

That's because Shank will make damn sure it will not go away, by mentioning it in every column, including hockey, basketball and football columns. Shank loves beating dead horses...

Today it will be Josh Beckett taking the mound against the Minnesota Twins as the Redemption Tour continues.

This article is tame compared to the one he's gonna write about Beckett tomorrow.

Shank Hearts Bobby V - I

I get the feeling you'll be reading more of these columns, at least until the first four game losing streak.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - It’s been two weeks in paradise watching Bobby Valentine and the “all new’’ Red Sox. I see the new drills and the subliminal video messages and the longer workouts and the smarter-than-everybody manager and I keep asking myself the same question . . .

How did the Red Sox win two World Series, average 93 wins per season, and make the playoffs five times when they were clearly such a chaotic, disorganized mess in spring training for the last eight years?

I don't know - maybe the author of columns like these could have spent some time on that subject and then write a column about it?

The rest of the column reads as part Theo & Tito bashing, partly some good points being raised (i.e., stress fundamentals, more clubhouse changes, etc.), and part revisionist history ("Yes, we were all fooled, and I'm just the Globe's supposed expert on the Red Sox, standing in the back of the room each and every time, and even I was fooled!").

Disingenuous schmuck.

Shank on Jason Varitek

Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek announced his retirement on Thursday. Shank writes a pretty good column about his years as a Sox player.

Just two things that irritated me about the column - normal peopls call "an establishment of commerce" a business and normal people call "saloons" bars.

All's Quiet

Setting a blistering pace of five columns in five days, Shank sits down with Adrian Gonzalez for a chat.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - He is polite, aloof, and wildly talented. He is part Ted Williams, part Tim Tebow, and he doesn’t care what we think. He’s never going to get caught up in the noise of the Boston baseball experience.

He is Adrian Gonzalez, the sweet-swinging, soft-spoken, almost invisible star of the Red Sox.

Spring training 2012 thus far has been everything we thought it would be. The chicken-and-beer boys have been sufficiently contrite, the new manager has been fun and ubiquitous, the new GM has been working 24/7, the new ballpark is spectacular, and the owners dropped by to say hello on their way to Sunday’s big soccer game at Wembley. You’ve read feature stories about Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youkilis, and Jacoby Ellsbury.

The "chicken-and-beer boys" is the new Curt Schilling!

Beer Was A Four Letter Word

That is, until the Red Sox banned beer from the clubhouse.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - No beer in the Red Sox clubhouse.

What’s next? No Swan Boats in the Public Garden? No Pops on the Esplanade on the Fourth of July? No L Street Brownies swimming in the ocean on New Year’s Day?

Beer in the Red Sox clubhouse is older than baked scrod on the menu at Legal Sea Foods. It’s older than Jermaine O’Neal. It’s older than Fenway Park.

I know it's supposed to be a sarcastic / humorous article, but it's interesting that the guy who wrote column after column after column mentioning "chicken & beer" in every third sentence, raking the Red Sox over the hot coals the entire time, now has no problem practically celebrating the history of alcohol and the Red Sox.

Then again, maybe interesting isn't quite the right word here...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - VI

Speaking of things that suck (for the Boston Globe and New York Times):

Newspaper Ad Revenues Fall to 60-Yr. Low in 2011

The chart above displays total annual print newspaper advertising revenue based on actual annual data from 1950 to 2010, and estimated annual revenue for 2011 using quarterly data through the third quarter, from the Newspaper Association of America.  The advertising revenues have been adjusted for inflation, and appear in the chart as millions of constant 2011 dollars.  Estimated revenues of $20.7 billion in 2011 will be the lowest annual  amount spent on newspaper advertising since $19.5 billion in 1951, exactly 60 years ago.

The decline in newspaper ad revenues to a 60-year low is amazing by itself, but the sharp decline in recent years is pretty stunning.  Last year's ad revenues of about $21 billion were less than half of the $46 billion spent just four years ago in 2007, and less than one-third of the $64 billion spent in 2000.

And even when online advertising is added to the print ads, the combined total spending for print and online advertising in 2011 will still only be about $22.6 billion, just slightly more than  the $22.5 billion spent on print advertising in 1954.

Economic Lesson: It's another one of those huge Schumpeterian gales of creative destruction.

Update: Here's another perspective: It took 50 years to go from about $20 billion in annual newspaper ad revenue in 1950 (adjusted for inflation) to $63.5 billion in 2000, and then only 11 years to go from $63.5 billion back to about $20 billion in 2011.

Whole Lotta Suck

This has to be one of the worst Shaughnessy columns in quite some time. Let us count the ways:

Belittle Red Sox owner John Henry on multiple fronts? Check. When an owner speaks, it's not a talk, it's...

Henry’s chatter minimal

Stir the pot yet again, pound your fists and demand answers to relevant and non-relevant matters? Check.

It was Henry’s chance to:

1. Comment on no beer in the clubhouse after the disaster of 2011.

2. Deny that he loves Liverpool more than the Red Sox.

3. Promise Sox fans that he’s not done spending on the baseball team.

4. Acknowledge the darkest period of his decade-long ownership.

5. Apologize to Carl Crawford for ripping him during a spontaneous appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub.

6. Explain why he wouldn’t return phone calls from his fired manager, Terry Francona.

7. Explain why the Sox allowed an under-contract Theo Epstein to go to the Cubs before agreeing on compensation.

8. Deliver one of those patented, Steinbrenneresque win-one-for-the-Gipper pep talks to the 2012 Red Sox.

Deliberately misrepresent one of those assertions so you can further pile on the owner? Check.

5. Apologize to Carl Crawford for ripping him during a spontaneous appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub.

And what constitutes 'ripping' a baseball player?

Regarding his radio remark that he was against signing Crawford to the $142 million contract,...

"I was against it" is ripping a player? Please. "He sucks; he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn & throws like a girl" is ripping someone.

Continue on with the obsession over Liverpool FC? Check.

What about Liverpool, John? Have your attention and wallet moved across the Atlantic in the quest to battle Manchester United?

You think Shank's got the stones to criticize the rest of John Henry's investments? Me neither.

Screw up a semi-obvious name / offer further proof that Shank's column are not edited? Check.

“I think more recently there’s been more to attend to,’’ he acknowledged, without referencing Liverpool, Fenway Rousch Racing, or LeBron James.

Nice try, Shank & the copy desk!

UPDATE at 12:30 PM - Shank's gonna go apeshit; just spotted John & Mrs. Henry in the owner's box at Wembley Stadium (Liverpool v. Cardiff for the Carling Cup).

Shank Almost Gets Whacked

Finally, a non-chicken & beer story from the Globe's part-time sports columnist:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - I was standing outside the Red Sox clubhouse yesterday morning, minding my own business, not looking for any trouble, when David Ortiz came out and started yelling at me.

OK, maybe “yell’’ is too strong. But it was unhappy talk and it caught me by surprise.

“Dan, you think I’m going to break down like Jim Rice did when he was 36? You’re wrong. It’s not the 1980s. It’s 2012.’’

“Whoa, big fella,’’ I offered. “I don’t remember writing that.’’

Shank then recounts how many people have screamed at him over the years; my only surprise is how short the list is.

But Our Man Shaughnessy's a stand-up guy, right?

Me: “Well, if it makes you feel any better, he’s (the guy who said Papi will break down) our hockey writer.

Kevin Paul Dupont, you just got Shanked!

Beating A Dead Horse - III

The surest sign of a lazy part-time Globe sports columnist is to write about the same thing over and over and over:

...

Chicken and beer. Beer and chicken. If you played for the 2011 Red Sox, it will always be part of your legacy, even if you did nothing wrong. Just as Al Pacino will go to his grave knowing he appeared in “Gigli,’’ Dustin Pedroia has to live with the fact that he was part of the 2011 Red Sox.

You'd think that a scribe, in Florida for about a week, would have something else to write about...

The Utterly Predictable Shank Column

...will be written tomorrow. Jon Lester had this to say about September 2011's collapse:

"They should be (angry),'' Lester said Sunday morning, reporting day for Red Sox pitchers and catchers. "We didn't play very good. With all the other stuff added on top of that, it's obviously going to make it worse. I don't blame them for being mad. We didn't play good. We stunk. I stunk. I take complete responsibility for it."

That seems to meet the criteria of an apology that Shank demanded earlier today. Somehow I doubt that will suffice in Shank's eyes.

And now, Josh Beckett:

"We made mistakes in the clubhouse, and that's about as far as I'll go talking about the clubhouse,"

...

Beckett also insisted there was never a time he wasn't ready to pitch and when asked if it was fair to be singled out for being out of shape at the end of the season, he said, "I put on a little bit of weight. I don't have a reason for it, but it happened. I'm looking forward to going forward from here."

No apology for you! Cue Shank's self-righteous indignation as he attempts to drag Beckett further over the hot coals.

Beating A Dead Horse Again

It does seem to be a recurring theme for the Boston Globe's only part-time sports columnist. Spring training opens today for the Red Sox, which allows Shank to mount the Shetland pony once again:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - The Red Sox throw open the doors to their clubhouse this morning for the first time since that final night in Baltimore last September. Later in the day, Josh Beckett and Jon Lester will be made available to the media.

Is it just me or is anybody else interested in a few mea culpas?

I'm pretty sure it's just you...

Perhaps we could hear an admission that things were not quite right by the time the SS Francona sank in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. Can just one guy stand up and say, “We [bleeped] up. We’re sorry. We were unprofessional and we let it get away from us. Sorry we betrayed your trust.’’?

That’s what I’m in the mood for.

You know what I'm in the mood for? A column that doesn't read like the one from October 18, 2011 or the one from October 20, 2011, or the constant harping on Sox owner John Henry for his ownership of Liverpool FC. Naturally, I'm not holding my breath...

Bob Ryan Retiring From The Globe

Specifically, he'll be 'retiring from a full time basis' after the London Olympics this summer:

"I really and truly believe that my time has come and gone, that the dynamics of the business, of what it takes to be involved in the business with all the tweeting and the blogging and that stuff, with an audience with a different taste ... I'm not comfortable -- it's not me any more.

"I very happily say I've had a great run, and I think it's time for somebody else to have their run."

Translations - 1) he's sick of the competition from blogging and tweeting; 2) he has indeed had enough; 3) print media's toast. OK, I threw that last one in there...

Bob Ryan and Will McDonough, I think, are the best sportswriters the Globe's ever had. Now he'll be a part time Boston Globe columnist, just like Shank!

Point Made

Shank takes in yesterday's Celtics game against the Chicago Bulls and pens a pretty good column about Rajon Rondo, who had a triple double in the game. Shank gets carried away comparing him to other great Celtics of yesteryear (when Shank calls him 'a 6-foot-1-inch Larry Bird', I'm pretty sure that's a stretch) and also compared Rondo to Manny Ramirez, because Rondo did not speak to reporters after the game. At least we were spared Springsteen or Beatles lyrics...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - V

I, for one, am enjoying the slow, painful death of the parent company of the Boston Globe.

The New York Times newspaper just took a big hit, a hit worth $40 million in the year 2011. Although the shift from print to online publishing in journalism no doubt contributed to the loss of millions, it doesn't help that NYT's writers produce work from a Leftist perspective Americans just aren't interested in reading.

No matter how you slice it, it's hard to imagine a lifespan longer than ten years if the NYT continues to lose money at this rate. Looking at the latest balance sheet, net current assets (current assets of $680 million less current liabilities of $440 million) are at $240 million. Current burn rate ($240 million on hand divided by the $40 million annual loss) gives the company six years to live without major structural changes.

Since they don't know if or how to get out of this jam, the first utterly predictable line of defense is for the NYT to respond by (what's that euphemism?) "asking for" and getting expense reductions from their employees, then defeat the whole purpose of the reputed restructuring when the executives pay themselves a substantial amount of those savings a few months after the furor dies down, just like the last time they played this song. It's that, or a number of employees won't bend over and take yet another major pay cut and quit in disgust, which will be precisely what management is hoping for. Trust me, the employees and the union leadership will remember this stuff, and if anyone forgets, I am happy to refresh your memory.

They can't reasonably jack up prices past $2.50 - they'll lose a decent amount of buyers and subscribers, oblivious to the concept of price elasticity.

Always remember - when you're at the NYT and you step out of line, you get whacked.

History repeats itself - first time as tragedy, second time as farce. I'm sure the blog's resident Globe cheerleader communist has this tattooed on his lower back like a tramp stamp...

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I don't think the horse is dead yet, Shank - could you beat on it some more just to be sure? Thanks.

INDIANAPOLIS - Here we are again, standing above the medal platform, arguing about who’s going to get the gold, silver, and bronze.

It’s a parlor game we play in the sports department.

What are the most disappointing losses in New England sports history? Where do we put Sunday night’s disaster at Lucas Oil (Can Boyd) Stadium? Is it the worst loss ever, the worst loss in Patriots history, or just a crushing night that won’t hurt so much after we let a few weeks pass?

Oil Can Boyd Stadium? Nope, that one will never get old!

A team that overachieved is suddenly under the gun. No franchise in NFL history has more Super Bowl losses (four) than the Patriots.

Has Shank never heard about the Buffalo Bills or the Minnesota Vikings? Where in hell are the Globe editors, man?

The Master Of Misery

Shank sure likes writing these types of columns, doesn't he (with a bonus Jethro Tull reference)?

After a decade of dominance, New England seems to be shifting back toward the Big Middle. The Bruins have been in a midseason slump. The Celtics are calcifying before our eyes. The Red Sox are pinching pennies, falling further behind their rivals in the American League. And the Patriots have lost two straight Super Bowls in the final minute against the New York Football Giants.

Instead of celebrating a grand slam - championships in every major sport over a period of four years and four months - New Englanders are spitting out pieces of their broken luck, bracing for the avalanche of grief from those annoying New Yorkers.

Again.

The Prototypical Shank Column

This is the type of column we expect from Shank:

INDIANAPOLIS - It’s not about revenge. There’s nothing the Patriots can do tonight that will change what happened in the desert against these same Giants four years ago. Most of the players from that game have moved on. This Super Bowl has zero connection to Super Bowl XLII, when Elisha Nelson Manning broke New England’s heart and killed dreams of perfection and immortality.

Baloney.

Rubbish.

Nonsense.

Lies, lies, lies.

This is all about revenge. It’s about driving a Rolls-Royce to your high school reunion and laughing at the cheerleader who ruined your life when she wouldn’t go out with you. It’s an opportunity to fire the boss who once fired you.

The Patriots have been working overtime to convince you all that this has nothing to do with four years ago. This is an opportunity to win a Super Bowl. It would be no different if they were playing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Shank's formula is well displayed - take the most negative angle possible and beat the living snot out of it. Toss in a Larry Bird reference, and presto - instant column!

DHL Dan XII

So much for the decent column streak!

Nothing says a) lazy, b) complete and utter lack of imagination, c) contempt for your readers and your editor, or d) all of the above, quite like a picked up pieces column when the hometown New England Patriots are in the Super Bowl for the fifth time during Bill Belichick's tenure as head coach. The usual Shankisms are there, natch, but it's pretty insulting to have to read a de minimus effort on Shank's part when there's probably a hundred different other things to write about.

Shank's On A Roll

You turn your head for a day, and what happens? Shank bangs out two columns, that's what!

We first get a decent column about Rob Gronkowski, and, since he's in Indiana this week, your obligatory Larry Bird column, another decent column. I wonder how long that streak's gonna last...

Shank Talks Tuna

Shank resumes his blistering pace of a column or so per week with a piece on former Patriots coach Bill Parcells, who has extensive ties with both Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin. As with some Shank columns in the past, his current column looks a lot like this one. I believe Shank listened to a three day old ESPN podcast and make that his column.

Also, they've sent Shank to Indianapolis, so says the top of the column. You need to go to the events in order to get these types of original columns!

Or Maybe Not

One week after my brash prediction of many Patriot-themed Shank columns, he hasn't written a damned thing. That worked out like many of Shank's predictions, didn't it?

I'm not sure if Shank's part of the Globe crew that's going to Indy; I saw Bob Ryan on last night's Comcast Sports New England with Felger & Tom Curran, and I'd think Chris Gasper woud be there as well, but no Shank sightings so far.

And So It Begins

How many columns do you think Shank will milk out of this Super Bowl rematch?

FOXBOROUGH - Feeling 10 years younger today? You should. Your Patriots are going to the Super Bowl and it feels just like 2001-02, when the stars aligned and the Patriots were unlikely kings of the NFL.

A decade ago, we had the Tuck Rule, snow angels, and a bunch of overachievers who redefined the word “team’’ and carried their magic to the Super Bowl in New Orleans.

Now the Patriots are blessed with a no-name defense, cosmic attrition of NFL superpowers, and the indomitable spirit of Myra H. Kraft, who died shortly before an unlikely season that ends Feb. 5 in Indianapolis against the same New York Giants who derailed New England’s historic 18-0 season on Feb. 3, 2008.

Bonus Bill Buckner cheapshots included; what would a Shank column be without a Red Sox reference or two?

DHL Dan XI?

It may or may not be a mailed in column, but it's fairly predictable.

Tom Brady and Ray Lewis. The quarterback and the middle linebacker. Finesse and force.

They are former Super Bowl MVPs, masters of their crafts, and the faces of their franchises - the New England Patriots and the Baltimore Ravens. Today they clash at Gillette Stadium, with the winner earning a trip to Super Bowl XLVI Feb. 5 at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis.

Et cetera.

Must Have Been An Open Bar

Shank attended the 73rd Baseball Writers Association of America annual meeting (Boston chapter). Shank's had a few months to calm down about the Red Sox and writes with far less venom, at least for now. He's also insistent that more money spent by the Red Sox is a good thing:

After spending like Charlie Sheen on a weekend bender, the Sox suddenly are fiscally responsible in this bad-news winter? They got burned when they signed John Lackey and Crawford, and now they’re worried about going over the dreaded $178 million luxury tax threshold (they were taxed at a rate of 30 percent last year, and that goes to 40 percent if they exceed the limit again this year)?

Just a thought - maybe Lackey and Crawford are why they're worried about these things now?

The Sox charge fans a ton of money for tickets. NESN makes a bundle. John Henry and friends have demonstrated a willingness to spend in commensurate fashion during their 10-year stewardship. But now it feels like they are pulling back, holding the line, worrying about luxury tax, and (gulp) monies spent on Liverpool soccer.

So, these guys are rich / make a ton of money, have spent a ton of money in the past and should continue to do so, just not on that shitty foreign soccer club? I don't quite see the logic with that, and I still think it takes a special kind of asshole to tell someone else what to do with their money.

Indiana Dreaming

What's this? A rare midweek column from Shank?

Go ahead and knock yourself out dissecting and analyzing Sunday’s conference championship games. Ravens vs. Patriots, followed by Giants vs. 49ers makes for a Sunday smorgasbord of playoff thrills and tension.

Not me. I’ve already moved on. These potentially spectacular title games are merely compulsory exercises; games that must be played in order for us to get to the game that everybody is really thinking about.

Super Bowl XLVI. At Lucas Oil (Can Boyd) Stadium in downtown Indianapolis. New England Patriots vs. New York Giants.

A better sentiment if it was made before all the other ones, but it's a decent column nonetheless. The cynical part of me thinks that Shank is angling for this rematch in order for the Patriots to lose (not a stretch for Shank) in order to write his new book, "The Curse of the Belichikbino" or some such.

Unstoppable

That's Shank, with two columns in two days!

FOXBOROUGH - Route One was Easy Street. Foxborough was The Big Easy. Everybody at Gillette had that Peaceful, Easy Feeling. The game could have been dedicated to the late Easy Ed Macauley.

Tebow TV ratings took a big dive.

Winning their first playoff game in four years, the Patriots annihilated the Denver Broncos, 45-10, at frosty Gillette Stadium last night. It was a beating of - dare we say - biblical proportions.

The column does improve from there, but Shank gets way ahead of himself at the very end:

Wouldn’t it be something if this group turns out to be the team that does what the 18-0 team could not do. What if this turns out to be the Patriots team that wins the next Super Bowl?

Don't jinx us, man. You know the cliche; take it one game at a time...

DHL Dan X / Back On The Bandwagon

Yes indeed, we have the worst of both worlds!

How does 73-0, Patriots, sound?

The Belichickmen are playing the Denver Broncos tonight in the latest Game of the Millennium and everything is going New England’s way. Again.

Could this be teed up any better? Could things be any easier for your New England Patriots?

Of all the playoff scenarios, the Patriots got the one they wanted. No Steelers this time. No Ray Rice. No Rex Ryan scheming. No elite quarterback on the other side.

Aside from the fact that Ray Rice could be playing in Foxboro next week if both the Ravens and Patriots win this weekend, this column's a big lump of something awful; we're only a lame song reference or two away from completely nuking this mailed-in hatchet job.

Barry Larkin, Baseball HOF

Barry Larkin was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame today. Here's what Shank, voting member of The Baseball Writers Association of America, had to say about it:

That's Entertainment

A few times a year, Shank pretends to care about Boston Bruins hockey. This is one of those times.

Playing the Vancouver Canucks is like playing a collection of A-Rods or a full squad of Bill Laimbeers. The defending NHL Western Conference champions are a virtual conga line of Claude Lemieuxes and Ulf Samuelssons.

They are posers and floppers, arrogant and cowardly. It’s hard to believe Cam Neely ever wore their sweater. Beating them up is just so much fun, and flipping one of them butt-over-tea kettle sweetens the day. But you can’t put them on the power play 11 times or they will make you pay.

This is his best hockey column in quite some time.

While we're talking about hockey, I watched part of the Maine - UNH game at Fenway Park last night. I'm pretty sure it was Shank in the booth as an 'analyst'. I only tuned in for thirty seconds or so before turning it off, because Shank was simply awful. I thought he sucked so bad I couldn't bear to stick around long enough to confirm it was him. Whether or not it was Shank, NESN needs to reassess the announcing structure for future college hockey games.

The Next Bill Russell?

Three days after a breakout performance from the Celtics' Greg Stiemsma, Shank gets off his lazy ass and jumps on the bandwagon with ridiculous, over-the-top praise worthy of an Al Pacino scene.

Eleven days. Five games played. And already the kid is a cult hero.

How long before they name the New Boston Garden after Greg Stiemsma?

He’s the new Brian Scalabrine. He’s the new Greg Kite. He’s the new Kevin McHale.

He’s the new (gulp) Bill Russell?

Give us a break, hype master. Conner Henry was a cult hero, too...

Off The Bandwagon Again

Shank's first column of 2012 is the usual offering of optimism regarding the playoff hopes of the New England Patriots:

FOXBOROUGH - Maybe it’s because I’m Irish-Catholic and we always expect something bad to happen when things are going great.

Maybe it’s because my folks lived through the Great Depression and taught us never to turn down work or free food - the bounty might not be there tomorrow.

Or maybe I just saw too many Red Sox games in the 1970s, 1980s, and 2011.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll come to regret this, and I hope I am wrong (happens a lot), but count me as a guy with zero faith in the immediate future of the 2011-12 Patriots. These guys aren’t going anywhere near Super Bowl XLVI in Indianapolis. Something bad is going to happen at Gillette Stadium before this month is over.

Given Shank's ability (or lack thereof) to accurately predict this sort of thing, I'm not terribly worried.

The rest of the column is readable. See you next week, Shank!