Tale Of The Videotape

It didn't take Shank long to revert to form. Today's column concerns the Denver Broncos and various fines involving a videotaping of the opposing players' walk-through session.

Sound familiar? It should. And in case you forgot, guess who's here to helpfully remind us? Call this the Anatomy of A Smear.

First - Shank wants to make sure this story gets adequate coverage:

I don’t expect to hear much about this on any of the Patriots’ Pravda news outlets, but you can be pretty sure the New York tabloids are going to run hard with it. The headline in yesterday’s Daily News was “It’s Spygate II in Denver,’’ and the vaunted Post went with two stories, one titled “Pats’ coach will always be tied to scandal,’’ and the other with a subhead stating “Incident also has Belichick ties.’’

You bet it does.

Attempt to further propagate the story through additional media writeups.

Second - Of course, these guys (Shank, et. al) don't mean direct ties; what follows is classic guilt by association:

Bill Belichick’s bio in the Patriots media guide proudly features a half-page section entitled “Bill Belichick’s Tree.’’ It reads, in part, “Bill Belichick has had strong influences on hundreds of coaching, personnel, and football operations staff, many of whom have been hired to coach and manage other teams.’’ The lengthy list includes McDaniels and Eric Mangini, both of whom broke into the NFL under Belichick. Young Scarnecchia also broke into the NFL with the Patriots. He is listed as a “video assistant’’ in the Patriots’ staff directories of 2002, 2003, and 2004. He is also the son of Dante Scarnecchia, a beloved presence as an assistant coach on the Patriots’ sideline for the last 27 seasons.

Dante Scarnecchia is one of the finest men you’ll ever meet. He has been a part of all six Patriots Super Bowl teams and currently serves as offensive line coach and assistant head coach. In 1992, he served as Patriots’ head coach for seven games when Dick MacPherson fell ill. He is certainly not responsible for the actions of his son.

Certainly not! So a few people are off the hook. Interesting. On whose doorstep do you think this one will end up?

Now we have the first spy sanction since then, and there are Belichick footprints all over the place. The head coach of the Broncos was one of Bill’s guys. The guy caught taping was one of Bill’s guys and is the son of one of Bill’s present guys.

Oh, and just for good measure, we learned that Steve Scarnecchia was one of Mangini’s video operators when the Jets ratted out the Patriots in 2007. More than that, some folks think Steve Scarnecchia was the one who ratted out the Patriots.

Third - passive-aggressive assertions; "Belichick footprints all over the place". Now, for the passive-aggressive disclaimer (emphasis mine):

It’s important that we remember that Saturday’s sanction was against the Broncos. It is not a Patriots matter. Asking Belichick or any of his people about this is wildly unfair. It’s strictly a matter between the Commish and the Broncos.

So far, it's "Belichick footprints all over the place", but "It is not a Patriots matter". Got that?

So where does Shank finally come down on the matter? As if you have to ask!

But once again, the trail of espionage leads directly back to Route 1, and that is . . . unfortunate.

It's fair to conclude that Shank, a fifth-degree black belt in the dark arts of character assassination and innuendo, is trying to tie this to Bill Belichick any way he can. If he's called on it, he can simply say he was repeating what the New York papers were writing, and he'll say it in spite of his statement ("directly back to Route 1") to the contrary. Talk about a clean hit!

How long did Shank's faux fondness for Belichick last, barely one month?

Making The Rounds

During the "holiday" season, Shank normally treats us to a few human interest stories, the only type of Globe column he's seemingly able to write with any consistent quality. Today, he's finally out of the box with a story about Children's Hospital Boston. An unusual thing about this particular column is its length - 3 pages total.

I guess not even Shank can be all asshole, all the time, or is that what he wants us to think?

Eat Me

Shank's Thanksgiving column is about the Thanksgiving tradition of football in Detroit. It's a decent enough column.

Shank Starts On The Second Bridge

How boring and predictable is Shank? Last year we had Shank taking a dump on Red Sox ownership. You may have wondered if this self-serving, pot-stirring type of column would become an annual event.

Wonder no more.

This is one giant turkey.

The Red Sox just lost their 31-year-old, middle-of-the-order, switch-hitting catcher. On the eve of Thanksgiving. It feels like the old Haywood Sullivan/John Harrington days when the ball club would announce a ticket-price hike on the Friday after Thanksgiving (the 2010 Red Sox cleverly released their new prices on the day of the most hyped NBA regular-season game in 63 years).

The hot stove season is young, but losing Martinez at the jump is a public relations nightmare for a ball club that’s suddenly fighting for market share and TV ratings. The local landscape is peppered with popular, playoff-bound teams. The Sox did not make it into the tournament this year and the bland ball club is scuffling to generate positive buzz. Subtracting Martinez a month after ponying up $476 million for a soccer team com pounds the fallout.

When last describing the need to retain Martinez's services, Shank wasn't exactly throwing around words like 'linchpin' and 'must-keep' (emphasis mine):

It's more complicated with Martinez and Beltre. Martinez is a switch-hitting catcher, which puts him on a lot of wish lists. There's well-founded doubt about his ability to manage a pitching staff and throw runners out, but he's improved behind the plate and he brings the lumber.

He's also in his prime.

Are we supposed to believe Shank's newfound interest in Martinez is genuine?

Shank then pops the question:

Sounds like they’re selling bridges again, no?

...

Why are the Sox acting like they are a small-market team? They sell out every game. They have the second-highest-priced tickets in baseball. Their payroll is exceeded only by the Yankees’. And now they won’t pay the going rate for their starting catcher? How often do the Yankees lose a player they want to keep?

I don't know, Shank; you might want to ask Derek Jeter:

New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said Tuesday that the Yankees have made a "fair and appropriate" contract offer to Derek Jeter and suggested that if the 36-year-old shortstop thinks otherwise, he should shop himself around to find out.

I wonder if Shank thinks that Cashman & Co. are acting like a small market team, or are trying to, you know, save some money / avoid overspending?

Conveniently ignoring previous opinions and an occasional market force or two allow Shank to use Martinez's loss as an excuse to take the annual crap on Sox ownership.

Two Papers In One - II

A flurry of activity from Shank on Sunday. We have a Globe column that is heavy on the hyperbole and pleads for more Indy - New England games, replete with nicknames, pop culture references and the like. His CNN / SI column leans a little more on the game stats, but I'm hard pressed to make anymore distinctions between the two.

Now that's lazy!

UPDATE, 11/23, 7:30 PM - Lazier still, Shank is ripping off other writers. Have you no shame, sir?

Utterly Predictable

Shank's Sunday column could be about many things:

Tom and Peyton don’t defend one another, so this latest Patriots-Colts Game of the Century can’t be about Brady vs. Manning. It’s really about Belichick vs. Manning. It’s about the Revenge of Fourth And 2. It’s about the Colts beating the Patriots five of the last six times they’ve met. It’s about the young Patriots defense. It’s about Bill Polian hating the Patriots the way the Patriots hate the Jets. It’s about perennial conference kingpins deciding who’ll get home field if they meet again when it counts in January.

Since this is written by Shank, you already know the real answer:

There will be no ignoring the obvious in this space. I’m riding sidecar with the dumbed-down story line, the lowest common denominator. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This game is all about Brady vs. Manning. Football’s 18-12 Overture comes to Gillette.

Little surprise; this column looks enough like the one he wrote last year.

Lazy, predictable & boring pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

Will Shank's Next Column...

... be another Brady / Manning column?

Something Slipped, All Right

Shank does the first of the annual Thanksgiving columns on local high school teams that 1) are designed to make you think that he's not a big an asshole as is amply demonstrated the rest of the year; 2) exhibit student - athletes overcoming adversity, low odds of success, yadda³.

In previous years these columns used to be a cut above his normal articles, but not this column, featuring Newton North's high school boy's soccer team, recently blessed with a $200 million school facility. It's something every teenager can relate to!

Perhaps in bad taste, I have to remark that this column reads like an obituary.

Welcome Aboard

Shank climbs aboard the Patriots bandwagon in his weekly CNN / SI article. This one's worth reading, as his outside the Globe efforts are of far better quality. The title to the article was a bit misleading, leaving me unable to accuse him of reusing a previous article.

Is Shank deserving of a partial break because of this?

A lot of us (particularly me) thought Belichick was giving up on the season when he dumped Randy Moss after a big Monday night win in Miami in early October. But it turns out Belichick was right. He knew he wasn't going to get much more out of Moss. So he cut his losses. He got a third-round pick from the Vikings. Three weeks later, the red-faced Vikings fired Moss. Belichick was right again.

I'm leaning towards HELL NO! because I'm confident Shank will change his opinion yet again, as soon as the next loss occurs. Can you go broke betting against Shank? Commenter g is correct - just wait for the next weather pattern. But do his recent mea culpas (by my estimation, there have been about five or six over the past year) bail him out somewhat?

Overreaction?

Shank, one week ago:

Suddenly the SS Patriot looks like a southbound cruise ship.

Shank, this morning:

The Super Bowl is officially up for grabs, ladies and gentlemen.

What a difference a week makes. Or one day, for those who read yesterday's paean to the Steelers. Is it really too much to ask for some semblance of even-keel consistency?

A Little Over the Top

Shank once again blows an opportunity to write a decent column. He should be penalized for excessive hyperbole:

The Steelers are football.

The Steelers are the NFL.

...

If you have been to Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers, you know exactly what I am talking about. If you’ve never been, maybe you’ve picked it up just by watching on TV. Pittsburgh is simply the cradle of the NFL.

The Steelers are about continuity, excellence, toughness, and tradition. They are football’s comfort food. You see the logo on the right side of the helmet and you know you are watching the NFL at its best.

Throw in random mentions of the Beatles, Randy Moss, Larry Lucchino and Johnny Unitas in the present tense as if he was still alive, and Shank snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.

Can't Stand The Heat

I wonder where Shank got the idea for that column title, or am I reaching here?

Can’t stand the Heat
By Dan Shaughnessy
Globe Columnist / November 11, 2010

I am a Heat Hater.

Miami’s basketball team can’t lose enough games to make me happy. When I pass under a television in a crowded airport and see the score crawl, if the Heat are losing, I crack a big smile. I hope they lose ’em all.

The Celtics are in Miami tonight to play the third-place Heat.

The third-place Heat. Don’t you love it? I want them to be the Miami Clown Machine.

We are a couple of weeks into this historic NBA season, and the Heat own a 5-3 record, trailing the Orlando Magic and Atlanta Hawks in the vaunted Southeast Division of the NBA East. If the playoffs started today, the Heat would be the No. 4 seed, behind the Magic, Hawks and Celtics.

Naturally it's still early in the season, so things can and will change, but it's almost refreshing to see Shank dumping on a pro sports team located outside Massachusetts, if for mothing else as a reminder that there are occasional blue moons. Now fans in Florida will also be blessed with Shank's trademark thoughfulness ("I hope they lose ’em all"), forced '80's pop culture references ("Miami Clown Machine", wash / rinse / repeat), over the top judgements ("The Miami Frauds"), and his ability / desire to keep controversies burning ("Of course Riley wants another ring from the bench"), all of which basically killed the first half of the column.

Shank finishes strong when he gets around to looking at why Miami's overrated (i.e., by comparison with other championship teams), and I'll state again that as far as LeBron's asshattery when making & announcing "The Decision", I'm with Shank 110%. At least this article had the sense to make the necessary halftime adjustments...

Two Papers In One!

Paper Number One:

It’s not often Belichick is beaten by a rookie quarterback (with a “Friday Night Lights’’ name of Colt McCoy).

Paper Number Two:

He's got the name of a guy from central casting.

Colt McCoy. Quarterback.

Perfect, isn't it? Right out of Friday Night Lights.

A guy named Colt McCoy was born to play quarterback. He was born to play quarterback for Texas. He was born to play quarterback in the National Football League.

Shank runs with the theme from there and delivers a good article on Colt McCoy. If you've seen him in college and especially this Sunday, you get the impression that McCoy is the real deal, although agreeing with Shank is, you know, awkward...

Stand By Your Man

Shank's column is, sure enough, about yesterday's loss to the Browns, mentioning (in no particular order) Fredo Corleone, Belichick, Mangini, the Sopranos and Bill Parcells. His mindset, for now, remains "In Bill We Trust"; the rest of the team, not so much:

Oddly enough, this horrible loss beautifully demonstrates how great Belichick has been this year. Through the first seven games of the season, he had this suspect group compiling the best record in the NFL. Truly amazing. We knew it was a house of cards. How often does the team with the best record in football rank 28th in total defense and 31st in pass defense? Even the hired hands from “The Big Show’’ and the WBZ All Suck-up gang knew this was not the best team in football. Still, it sounded good for the week that it lasted.

Now we all are back to reality. The Patriots are 6-2, tied with the Jets. Next week they are at Pittsburgh. Then they have the Colts at home. Suddenly the SS Patriot looks like a southbound cruise ship.

Like the New England weather, ask yourself this: don't like Shank's opinions? Just wait a column or two; it'll change.

Name That Column Theme!

Today's New England Patriots' loss to the Cleveland Browns, 34 - 14, will be the first big test of Shank's newfound love affair with coach Bill Belichick.

Will Shank a) stand by his man, or b) turn on a dime and throw the coach under the proverbial bus? Will there be c) no column for the next few days as Shank broods in his hotel room? Did I d) miss any scenarios here?

I'm going contrarian with a), because I have trouble believing that even Shank would be so transparently stupid and turn on a dime so suddenly. Then again, he's done that before. Who knows with this guy?

So, vote early and often!

Laying It On, Thick

I smell a rat - Shank manages to write something nice about Bill Belichick. The column starts off badly (Paul Simon lyrics), and how can a column not get better from there?

I still can't believe he wrote this column. Is this the universe where Spock has a goatee?

An Excerpt From Shank's Radio Show

I tuned into his radio show this morning around 11:45, and I heard something that was both amusing and telling.

The amusing part - co-host Adam Jones dressed up for Halloween as... Shank Shaughnessy! He bought this curly / shag wig and went to a Halloween party with it; apparently a few people got the joke, but that was the extent of the costume.

Here's the telling part. As they segued to what other things would have made a good Shank costume, a few items mentioned were a notepad, pencil, tape recorder (that's from memory; wasn't able to take notes on that part). When discussing Shank costume accessories, the very first thing out of Shank's mouth was:

"Having bloggers say nasty things about you." (said in an entirely serious tone - ed.)

OK, that was amusing, too! But it reinforces the sentiment written a few times on this website over the past years - Dan Shaughnessy has very thin skin. He routinely says nasty things about others in his column (Belichick, Kraft, Ortiz, Jeff Stone, Ramirez, Martinez, Garciaparra, Schilling, Epstein, Henry, et. al.), but basically complains when others return fire. Shank's whining reminds me of this phrase...

He Said / He Said, or Man Up, Hypocrite

Take your pick. Today's Shank Globe column is as predictable as it gets. Behold, the power of words:

All-World yapper Kevin Garnett got into it with Detroit’s Charlie Villanueva with 2:39 left in the Celtics’ victory over the Pistons at Auburn Hills, Mich., Tuesday night. Villanueva suffers from alopecia universalis, a skin disorder that causes hair loss, and after the game, he tweeted that Garnett had called him “a cancer patient.’’ As part of a taunt.

Do not underestimate the power of the tweet. The story took on a life of its own. ESPN was quick out of the gate, then the story hit local sports radio. Just after 4 p.m., Garnett issued this statement: “I am aware there was a major miscommunication regarding something I said on the court last night. My comment to Charlie Villanueva was in fact, ‘You are cancerous to your team and our league.’

“I would never be insensitive to the brave struggle that cancer patients endure. I have lost loved ones to this deadly disease and have a family member currently undergoing treatment. I would never say anything that distasteful. The game of life is far bigger than the game of basketball.’’

“I actually heard what Kevin said,’’ Celtics coach Doc Rivers said before last night’s 105-102 overtime victory over the Bucks. “What he released is what he said.’’

The rational person would think the story ends right then and there, but this is Shank we're talking about. While this column does not rise to the level of "Shank's on his high horse again", we are treated to his level of tolerance:

But the disclosure of Tuesday’s events was a rare window into what goes on between the lines, where the basic rule of engagement is that there are no rules of engagement. Nothing is off-limits. What has changed is that now we find out about vile garbage that dares not speak its name. We never would have known about it in the genteel good old days.

Whichever version you believe, it’s tasteless. It’s offensive. It’s way beyond the typical schoolyard, “You’re fat, you’re ugly, your mother wears army boots.’’ There’s nothing funny about poking fun at cancer. It is a universal scourge. It is off-limits in every arena of mankind.

Further into the column, Shank demonstrates his hypocrisy (We never would have known about it in the genteel good old days.):

“You could not print all the things we said,’’ said Cedric Maxwell, Ainge’s teammate from the 1980s and a Hall of Fame trash talker. “You could not write it all down. The families. The moms. Didn’t make any difference. We didn’t have to be politically correct. We could be asinine.

“I remember one guy, before the start of a playoff series, saying, ‘No way that bitch is getting 40 points off of me.’ Somebody wrote that down and it actually got in the paper.’’

I know. Because Max said it about Bernard King, and I wrote it down, and it appeared in the Sunday Globe on the day of the first game of the 1984 Eastern Conference semifinals between the Celtics and Knicks. King refused to shake Max’s hand before the game. King didn’t get his 40 until Game 3, but the Celtics won the series.

Does anyone seriously think this (or the 1984) column get written if Larry Bird was the trash talker in question?

Like writing about Jacoby Ellsbury getting 'carved up' on Boston sports talk radio, with Shank being one of the carvees, he bemoans the trash talking in the NBA, but eagerly participates in its dissemination when it suits his purposes. This is the picture perfect definition of hypocrisy. If there was any to be had in the first place, this column serves to pour Shank's credibility down the drain.

UPDATE at 6:40 PM - commenter 'redsock' points out something Shank wrote some time ago. I can't find the original article; looks likely that the Globe deep-sixed it, and for good reason: (link isn't working - copy & paste http://sonsofsamhorn.net/wiki/index.php/Dan_Shaughnessy )

Once ripped on a mentally-disabled ballplayer (Jeff Stone) for his lack of intelligence.

I'd like to see the original article before commenting further, but if this is right, Shank goes far beyond hypocrite, and I'll leave it at that. Commenter 'g' - I know where you're coming from, but I need to see the original article in some form before ripping the sonofabitch. I'll do some more digging and report back anything I find.

UPDATE II at 7:15 PM - I bet it's this article, which sits behind a pay wall. I'm not going to break a sixteen year streak of not giving the Globe money, so there it will sit.

I'll Take Door Number Two, Monty

That was a tough call. It's mea culpa time!

Shank, October 7, 2010:

Not me. I’m with the late George Allen. The future is now, baby. And the Patriots are not better now than they were Monday night in Miami.

Once again, we are reminded that the Patriots believe “the system’’ is more important than the talent. Who needs Moss when you have Tate, Ninkovich, and Chung? Emboldened by Monday’s impressive win — scoring 41 points without Moss catching a pass — Belichick is again telling Patriot players and fans that the vaunted machine can operate with any combination of parts. Players don’t matter. They are all replaceable (except Brady, of course). And just think how good the Patriots will be when they draft all of those players.

Shank, this morning:

...

The Patriots are better without Moss. I certainly did not believe this when they dealt Moss to the Vikings four weeks ago. I thought it was a signal that they were giving up on the 2010 season. But as always, Belichick knows his team better than us. Bill could not be more right about this one.

The Patriots are better without Moss because they are more like the old Patriots we came to know and love back in the beginning of the 21st century. Those Patriots stressed team above self, a mind-set impossible for Moss to grasp. Randy has no problem with the one-handed catch, but he can’t handle the concept that he’s part of a team. With No. 81 (or No. 84 in Minnesota) it’s always about Team Moss. It’s about touches and that all-important next contract.

It must have absolutely killed Shank to write this paragraph:

Belichick is vindicated by the release of Moss. Coach Bill doesn’t have to say a word. Once again Football America can see that Belichick was right. The Patriots have the best record in the National Football League and Belichick’s decision to release Moss was in the best interests of the Patriots.

Assuming he's honest, it's ironic that Shank fell into the same trap that Moss did - a decade of overwhelming evidence to the contrary (Belichick's record), Shank & Moss thought otherwise. Until now.

That's not the funniest part of the column; I hope you're sitting down for this one:

Now he has been released by a 2-5 team and he’s looking for a new job and a future contract.

It won’t be here.

Unless Bill surprises us again and decides that having Randy Moss is in the best interest of his football team. At this point, who’s going to challenge anything Bill does?

Not me.

Never again.

I mentioned earlier this month - ALL of Shank's statements have an expiration date (re: above, three plus weeks). How soon will Shank backtrack on this last statement?

A Journey To San Francisco

After the San Francisco Giants stake themselves to a 3 to 1 World Series lead, Shank bravely pulls for a Giants series win:

My heart's with San Francisco.

I love the Giants and I hope they win the World Series. They take a 3-1 Series lead into tonight's Game 5 in Texas against Cliff Lee.

A lot of folks don't care about this 2010 World Series. We don't have high-profile teams from New York, Boston, Los Angeles or Chicago. There's no Texas Ranger Nation and the Giants don't have a galaxy of Cooperstown candidates. Executives at Fox no doubt would prefer the Phillies and Yankees, but I'm into the Giants. I'm into the city by the Bay.

A word of advice - it is difficult to ape lamer song lyrics then Journey, even if they are from San Francisco. Next time, at least try a (semi) San Francisco band with balls.

Other than Journey lyrics (please) and the timing of this sudden support for the Giants, I don't see a problem with the column. Shank knows his baseball history extremely well and makes compelling points. Too bad this column was written a few hours before the Giants sealed the deal. To have written this column last week would have taken, well, balls.

Grist For The Mill

I give it one in three odds that Shank's next Globe column will be on Randy Moss getting shitcanned from the Vikings. If he trashes Moss, he contradicts this Oct. 7th column; if he agrees with the move, he'll need to write a mea culpa column and admit Belichick was right to dump Moss. Tough call, eh?

UPDATE at 12:10 AM, 11/2/10 - Don Banks has the last word.

A Familiar Subject For Shank?

Two or three years after everyone else who follows the National Football League already knows, Shank notices Brett Favre's massive ego. Was it the hundreds of ESPN stories that gave it away?

But enough about grudges and genius coaches and all-world wideouts. We need to remember that the most important thing about today, about every day, is insufferable glory hog Favre and his consecutive-game streak. If you don’t believe me, check out ESPN’s 24-7 candlelight vigil for Brett.

Toss in shots at Curt Schilling, A-Rod, a mention of the 'immortal' Tavaris Jackson and a song quote from the overrated Bob Dylan, and you get a truly awful column. Trick, not treat.

Dan, Dan, Bandwagon Man

Shank continues to ride the wave of good Patriots tidings, at least until their next loss. Shank picks up on the PR ineptness of Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress:

He tugs on Super Coach’s cape, reminding the world that the Patriots were cheaters back in the days when they thrashed the Vikings (31-7) on “Monday Night Football’’ four years ago.

Brilliant, Brad. Why not give Bill Belichick a little more incentive before a game that could effectively end your season on Halloween?

Strange. So strange. Must be the season of the witch.

This is what Childress said Monday:

“I’m mindful of the last time we faced them here, on ‘Monday Night Football.’ It was like a surgical procedure. These were some of the all-time great signal stealers. In fact, that’s what was going on. They were holding, holding, holding. We were signaling from the sideline. They were good at it. It’s like stealing signals from the catcher.’’

Jim Croce and Donovan quote lameness aside, does anyone else find it amusing that Shank, with all his dumping on coach Bill Belichick, now reveres him? This guy's hypocrisy knows no bounds. Of course, that will change in short order.

But wait - there's more! Check out the false bravado (Shank is such a mush):

Still, I had to give it a shot. I had to demonstrate some false hustle and do the fool’s errand. Knowing it was like building a sand castle before high tide, I drove to Foxborough.

Near the end of Belichick’s always-wacky media session, I asked, “What’s your reaction when you hear an opposing coach talking about games in 2006 and stealing signals?’’

“I’m not really too worried about 2006,’’ deadpanned Bill. “I’m worried about this Sunday against Minnesota. I’m not worried about next Sunday, last Sunday, ’06, ’02, ’89. Really, it’s just Sunday.’’

OK, that’s not exactly the same as saying, “I hate the guy with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns,’’ but I sensed a little something between the lines of his non-answer. So I went back with, “What would motivate a coach to do that?’’

“I don’t know,’’ he said patiently. “Really, I’m just trying to coach this team and get ready for the Vikings. You’ll have to talk to other coaches. I don’t know.’’

(Tom Landry, George Halas, and Amos Alonzo Stagg did not return my calls.)

Giving it one more try, I offered, “As a policy for yourself, do you ever go back and talk about past games?’’

“We’ve talked about some other games before,’’ he said (he was grinning a little now). “But really, my focus is the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday afternoon. That’s what I’m here for.’’

Then he smiled, exited stage right, and said, “Is that what you were looking for?’’

Enough with the foolish questions about the desperate coach. It was time for the serious man to go to work.

My only surprise - Belichick not beating Shank with an axe handle. Finish the column off with yet another Brady Gaga reference (You're so lame, I can't believe this column's about you), and it's another fish wrap with Bruce M's favourite boring broadsheet.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - III

Since Shank can't be bothered writing Globe columns for the past ten days (Bob Ryan has at least five columns in that time span), I need to keep things moving, right?

This one's dedicated, more or less, to Bruce M., aka 'Objective'Bruce, who used to post quite frequently in previous years as Shank's sole defender. He's commented in the single digits over the past thirteen months. I wonder why that is?

Actually, I don't. There are two main reasons he is absent from this site. To the detriment of page hits to this site, I have given him nothing to argue about. I'm well acquainted with liberal / leftists with little real world experience beyond the spheres of academia and journalism, and Bruce M. fits the mold to a tee. It's a narrow, parochial world view that lends itself to snotty, condescending comments to those that disagree with said worldview, and Bruce M's. historical comments amply demonstrate this attitude. I, for one, applaud his ability to derive a living through semi-parasitic means as a former Globe writer. Shall I provide the readers of this site with a link to your current 1927-like Yankees Murderers Row of co-worker individuals with scant / nonexistent private sector experience? I eagerly await the opportunity to provide readers of this website numerous examples of Bruce M.'s world-class arrogance, and perhaps his identity, if he pisses me off enough. It's like a Shank template shitting on Coach Belichick, writ large. Bruce, do you think the DSW readers will like that NECN clip from last year?

I've hinted at the other in comment threads - I'm quite sure I know who Bruce M___ really is. I figured it out after one week of posting on this site. I talked to two Globe employees, describing the situation thusly: "There's this guy posting at the DSW site, he calls himself 'Objective'Bruce, his every post is in complete support of Shank, he supports the Globe in the most effusive manner possible..."

Both times, I was cut off in mid-sentence and given the same name, Bruce M___. Who can argue with gems like these?

As long as there is a Boston Herald, the Globe will never suck by comparison. The Globe is a good paper. It could be better. It used to be better. And if you don't read it, you are missing something.

Now there's a rallying cry - Read the Globe! We don't suck as bad as the Herald!
Sorry, I'm supposed to be bashing the Globe. My bad:

Circulation declines slow at the Globe, other newspapers

Oct 25, 2010
By Johnny Diaz, Globe Staff

Circulation declines at The Boston Globe, The Boston Herald, and many other newspapers around the country slowed in the six month period that ended in September.

The Globe's daily circulation dropped 15.6 percent to 222,683 while the Herald's fell 9.8 percent to 124,691 compared to the same period a year ago, according to the Audit Bureau of Circulations, which measures industry results.

The Boston Sunday Globe's circulation dropped 12 percent in the period to 368,303, while the Herald's Sunday circulation fell 5.6 percent to 90,222.

The Globe's publisher, Christopher M. Mayer, said in a memo to the paper's staff today that the lower circulation figures were expected after the newspaper raised prices last summer in most areas by 30 percent to 50 percent to increase revenue.

He noted that the rate of daily and Sunday circulation declines between the new reporting period and the previous six-month reporting period last March are smaller.

"The good news is the rate of circulation decline has slowed as we cycle through the impact of the price increases,'' Mayer said.

He also noted that local traffic to the Globe's website, Boston.com, grew by 2.9 percent.

"Print and online media work in concert with one another to build audience," he said.

Elsewhere in Massachusetts, daily circulation at the Worcester Telegram & Gazette fell 9.3 percent from 73,207 last year to 66,397 this year. (The New York Times Co. owns T&G, The Globe, and the namesake flagship paper, The New York Times.) The Patriot Ledger in Quincy dropped 10.2 percent, from 44,729 last year to 40,154.

In Rhode Island, The Providence Journal's daily circulation declined 9.6 percent, from 106,861 to 96,595.

You still want to make some circulation bets, Bruce? You wanna dance?

Questions Unanswered

1) Why hasn't Shank written a column for the Globe in over a week? Maybe we should be grateful for small favors.

2) Shank's weekly CNN / SI column features Red Sox owner John Henry's recent purchase of English Premier League's Liverpool FC, and gives the thumbnail sketch of John Henry's biography. One part juts out more than others:

The most traumatic event of Henry's Red Sox tenure came when brilliant young general manager Theo Epstein resigned suddenly after the 2005 season. Henry blamed himself for the departure and suggested, "Maybe I'm not fit to run the Red Sox.'' Epstein eventually returned and Henry came to regret his remark.

Unanswered: just why did Theo Epstein suddenly resign? It couldn't possibly be a direct result of Shank's infamous Dirty Laundry column, could it? Did he have a hard time convincing others his hands were clean?

Then again, some questions answer themselves...

Question Answered

Monkeesfan asks - Oh my goodness gracious, to coin a Susan Waldman-ism. What will Shank say now, with the Patriots grinding out a 23-20 overtime win?

This is a rhetorical question. Fans of the site know precisely what will happen - Shank will jump back on the bandwagon!

It was the feel-good game of the year in New England. It reminded Patriots fans of the good old days when the Pats won with brains and teamwork.

Playing without Randy Moss for the first time since 2006, the Sons of Bill Belichick beat the estimable Baltimore Ravens 23-20 in overtime on Sunday to improve to 4-1, a half-game behind the Jets in the AFC East.

Since this is a CNN / SI article, check out the rest of it, and try to ignore yet another mention of Danny Woodhead's height...

Angst For A Readable Column

Shank accentuates the positive yet again in today's column:

FOXBOROUGH — Losses sting. Season-ending losses last. They are the broken hearts of competition. The mind never forgets.

One of the curses of athletic success is that it generally puts you into some kind of tournament. Playoffs are designed to produce a single champion, which means that most good teams end their season with a loss. Talk to friends who played on a winning high school sports team and you’ll find that 95 percent of them finished their careers with a loss.

In a column that sets the table for today's Ravens / Patriots game, Shank passes on a free dump on coach Belichick and actually heaps a small amount of praise on him for opening up a little bit. And I was expecting the worst from Shank...

I Spoke Too Soon

If you thought yesterday's column was bad, Shank lowers the bar today with a Picked Up Pieces^TM column, the type of column you write when you need to hit a monthly quota and / or need to demonstrate to the whole world you have nothing else worth writing about. That, or he's just flipping the bird to his editors again.

DHL Dan, mailing in yet another underwhelming column...

In other news, commenter Paul points out a Globe letter to the editor written by Claudia Williams, daughter of Ted Williams. Claudia took offense at one sentence of Shank's tribute to Ted from a few weeks ago. She mentions something interesting & revealing with this sentence:

John-Henry (Claudia's brother - Ed.) trusted Shaughnessy and provided him with firsthand information to help him write privileged stories.

I wonder if that will make Shank feel like the asshole / scumbag Claudia's making him out to be?

More Shit From Shank

Shank ungracefully covers a mini-press conference with Tom Terrific yesterday, with equally ungraceful writing:

FOXBOROUGH — The door to the Patriots locker room swung open at 11:15 a.m. The media herd shuffled through the doorway and slouched to the stall of Tom Brady. This was QB 12’s first group session since the Randy Moss shocker, and everybody with a microphone wanted a spot at the foot of Brady Gaga.

In the wake of Charley Casserly’s wild report on CBS last Sunday, I was expecting to see Brady rolling on the clubhouse carpet, wrestling with Jerod Mayo and tugging at the linebacker’s whiskers. I figured there might be a photo of Floyd the Barber on Brady’s locker — more evidence of teammates chiding him for his long hair. Just as Randy Moss supposedly did.

The 'ace' Boston Globe sports columnist continues to be pleased with his self-defined wit with the 'Brady Gaga' moniker. Well, we know they both have dicks, right?

Shank lies to his readers yet again:

Asked about the fashionable, post-trade Moss bashing, Brady said, “I didn’t follow any of it. I wouldn’t bash him. I don’t think any of our teammates would bash him. Were you guys bashing him?’’

Not me.

Give me a break. Bashing Randy Moss was so last month! Shank's opinions have expiration dates. It's as simple as that.

Read the rest of the article, if you dare, for Shank's seething, barely concealed contempt of the New England Patriots organization.

Carry That Weight

The Curse of Juan Gonzalez has been lifted. While Shank did not explicitly predict the Rangers to fold like a cheap card table, do you think there will be a mea culpa from him on this series? I don't know about you, but I'm not holding my breath...

The Curse of Juan González?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI article features the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers in the ALDS, currently tied at 2 games apiece. As befits Shank's primary strength, he focuses on the Rangers' playoff futility:

The Texas Rangers might be moving slowly Tuesday night when they play the Tampa Bay Rays in the fifth and deciding game of their American League Division Series. The Rangers will be carrying the weight of five decades of failure. It's a heavy load.

Born as the second version of the Washington Senators in 1961, the Rangers are the only major league franchise which has never won a playoff series. That's oh-for-a-half-century. It's a lot of weight.

A decent column follows, including an Elvis sighting and a few sentences on the Red Sox. Just don't call Shank provincial!

Right On Cue

Barely a day passes, and we see Shank go from happy to sad, declaring the Patriots a worse team since the Randy Moss trade. With Shank's track record on predictions, that tells me the Patriots will probably win their next six games.

Also, I thought Shank would be a bit harsher on Moss, right?

Day Late, Dollar Short

I'm semi-interested why it took the alleged ace Boston Globe sports columnist to write an article about an event that happened a full day prior to publication, and a rather poor article at that:

Bill Belichick has front teeth.

He’s been here more than 10 years, and I never knew. But Monday night, in the minutes after a wildly satisfying 41-14 road demolition of the Miami Dolphins, Belichick actually smiled when he was asked a question. I saw the front teeth.

Belichick grinned in response to a query regarding the stellar play of his special teams in the big Monday night win. After his guys blocked a field goal for a touchdown, blocked a punt to set up a touchdown, ran back a kickoff for a touchdown, and forced five touchbacks on seven kickoffs, Belichick was asked about the play of his special teams.

The official transcript of BB’s response starts, “They were all right (laughing) . . .’’

They were all right? It is the first time I can remember Belichick described as “laughing’’ while giving a response.

Wow. Belichick is going all Pete Carroll on us. Pumped and jacked. Old Laughing Boy. Mr. High Five. It’s surprising that BB didn’t pull a Francona and start talking about “Tommy,’’ “Woody,’’ “Chungy,’’ “Ninky,’’ “Happy,’’ “Grumpy,’’ and “Sneezy.’’

I'm not an English major, but this 'style' of writing is absolute rubbish. The only person who could defend this drivel (yes, another 'Brady Gaga' quip follows) are folks like Bruce M. ObjectiveBruce, former commenter on this board (and there's a reason for that).

POLL TIME - To paraphrase Richard M. Nixon, Shank won't have Randy Moss to kick around anymore. Or will he? Do you think Shank, obviously brimming with contempt for the Patriots, will take one last shot at him in his next article? Isn't this an easy bet? I say yes. Vote early & often in the comments!

Shank On The Yanks

The general pattern is that Shank's CNN / SI columns are well superior to his Boston Globe columns (not a high bar to clear), but this one sticks out more than others on a few levels. His interest in baseball seems a little more heightened than it's been for the past six months, plus he talks to the Yankees' A-Rod, which seems to fit the pattern of antagonizing playoff baseball players. What's not to like?

A personal touch is needed for this part of Shank's ouevre:

I spent last week in Los Angeles as a panelist on ESPN's Jim Rome Is Burning. On Friday afternoon, while the Yanks were in Boston in the cramped visitors' clubhouse (New York had 56 players on its roster for the final weekend), I was on TV expressing my thoughts about the Yankees' apparent disinterest in winning the AL East. I warned that it could be tough on the Bronx Bombers if they went to Minnesota for Game 1 and lost the first game with CC Sabathia on the hill.

I saw this segment at the bar. I did not hear a freakin' word he said, but he was so much more relaxed and smooth than I've ever seen him on air. I'll give him props on that front.

Back in Boston, the Rome show aired live in the visitors' clubhouse. When Alex Rodriguez heard me casting doubt on the Yankee strategy and painting a doomsday scenario against the Twins, he walked over to the clubhouse TV and turned it off.

Sunday morning in Boston, when the Yanks still had a chance to win the division, I sauntered over to A-Rod's locker at Fenway and asked him why he turned me off on the clubhouse TV.

"Too negative,'' said the Yankee slugger. "I didn't want our young players to hear that.''

Too negative. That's our Danny Boy! I wonder what A-Rod thinks of Michael Felger?

Beating A Dead Horse

With all the predictability of the sun rising in the east, Shank's latest (and hopefully last) column on the 2010 Red Sox reads like most other 2010 Red Sox columns. In fact, Shank needs to tell you twice about how many errors the Red Sox committed this year:

Your 2010 Red Sox made a whopping 60.8 percent more errors than the playoff-bound Yankees. The Red Sox finished 12th out of 14 American League teams in fielding percentage. The Sox made 42 more errors than the Yankees in 2010.

You ever get the feeling he's just piling on?

It's A Twofer - II

Shank had a long day yesterday. First was his radio show on 98.5 The Sports Hub, where he helpfully informed the audience that he'd be at the BC - Notre Dame game last night, which ended close to midnight. He weaves accounts of that game with partial mentions of the Red Sox - Yankees doubleheader into a column that comes across as bland and semi-informative.

Shank On Teddy Ballgame

Shank's column from Wednesday focuses on Ted Williams, who hit a home run in his final at-bat a little over 50 years ago.

My favorite part:

I met him for the first time at Cooperstown in the late 1980s. He arrived for an interview at the Otesaga Hotel, sat down at a giant round table of scribes, and waited for a first question from the intimidated bunch. After a long, awkward pause, Ted finally said, “Scared to death, aren’t ya?’’ Ted was a man who could make “writer’’ sound like a four-letter word.

In some quarters, it is.

Excellent article by Shank.

Red Sox Post-Mortem At CNN / SI

Shank devotes this week's CNN / SI column to the 2010 Boston Red Sox, aka The Bridge Year. He cites the highlights & lowlights and wonders what's in store for next year and beyond. Quite the tame article when compared to his Sunday article, which conveniently omitted the rash of Red Sox injuries this year...

Just A Little Bit

When you start an article with a Spiro Agnew reference, there isn't too much hope for the rest of the article. However, Shank eventually delivers the goods about the newest member of the Patriots, Danny Woodhead.

It's a test of wills. Can you endure Shank's stupid nicknames and a wave of short jokes for 9 paragraphs to get to the readable part? Take the test!

Game Over, Man!

Shank comes here not to praise them, but to bury them:

Not long ago, Red Sox Elimination Day was part of the New England calendar, right there with Evacuation Day, Flag Day, Labor Day, and Columbus Day.

Elimination Day is the day when the Red Sox are officially erased from playoff contention. In most of the 1950s and 1960s, E-D (works on multiple levels, no?) usually fell sometime in the middle of September as the woeful Red Sox wrestled for seventh or eighth place alongside the likes of the Washington Senators and Kansas City Athletics. There was a lot of bad ownership and bad baseball. The Sox made it to the postseason only once between 1918 and 1967.

We are spoiled in this century. The Red Sox have made it to the postseason in six of the last seven seasons. There has been good ownership and good baseball.

Not sure when the last time he's ever praised ownership, but it's one of the few positive angles you'll find in the column. He's all over Big Papi for comments made last Wednesday, then (surprise!) calls the Red Sox 'hypocrites' for planning a day to honor retiring Red Sox player Mike Lowell. Why let consistency get in the way of a good ranting column?

Class Warfare?

Imagine my surprise at a Boston Globe columnist complaining about the types of fans that attend New England Patriots home games nowadays.

Naaah!

Not when Shank leads off with perhaps John Lennon's funniest comment:

“Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.’’

Shank then goes on to rehash Tom Brady's comments from last week concerning Patriots fans leaving early from the win over the Bengals. Anyone who has experienced the pleasure of driving Route 1 northbound after a Pats game would probably tell Tom to ride shotgun (better yet, let him take the wheel) during said drive, then ask him if his opinion's changed. According to Shank, we're all cool with Tom Brady's opinion:

Typically, most Patriots fans accepted the slap. New England football fans rarely challenge Messrs. Kraft, Belichick, or Brady on any topic.

Shank then puts a few words in Tom's mouth:

This explains why Brady can call them out as overstuffed brie-eaters who want to beat the traffic.

Way to interject yourself into the story, Shank! Brie must taste better when it's force fed down your gullet. That's how they fatten up geese, right?

Finally, Shank puts his finger on one of the reasons for Tom's comments:

They admit they are quiet. A lot of them are in a rush to get out; Route 1 on game days is a blacktop gulag. Some have complained that they are not encouraged to stand and make noise during the games. After Brady’s remarks, there were calls to talk radio from fans who said they’d been told by security that they cannot stand during the games.

“We don’t have a policy that you can’t stand,’’ Patriots publicist Stacey James said. “If there are multiple complaints about someone standing the entire game, then sometimes an usher will try to mediate and ask people to sit. But it’s got to be multiple complaints.’’

Interesting remarks: "most Patriots fans accepted the slap", doesn't quite square with "there were calls to talk radio from fans who said they’d been told by security that they cannot stand during the games" unless specific numbers are involved, does it? So who's lying, the fans or the publicist? I'll go with the publicist. Can't be Shank lying to us...

The other reason for the lack of noise: Gillette Stadium is basically open on one end, which makes it quite different from, say, Arrowhead Stadium, which Shank touches upon later in the column.

One more Shank oddity coming up:

Brady’s words won’t change anything. Ours is not a football culture.

But what did you tell us a mere eight days ago, Shank?

All football all the time. Nothing else matters.

Dan Shaughnessy, the Ultimate Weathervane.

UPDATE at 7:30 PM - It may have been Shank who coined the phrase 'pink hats' to describe recent (post-2004) Red Sox bandwagon converts; we need something equally condescending for recent Patriots converts!

The Mojo Is Back

That's Shank's basic description of the New York Jets after Sunday's win over the Patriots. As is the case with most of his CNN / SI articles, it is a good article and does not 'sample' from other written Shank articles.

I wonder how this incident will affect the Jets' mojo.

Smackdown

A good first half for the Patriots, followed by a bad second half, results in a 28-14 loss to the New York Jets yesterday afternoon. Shank is all over the Patriots loss, chock full of lame metaphors, dumb cliches and choppy, disjointed writing. I was expecting a little more (ok, a lot more) nastiness in this article, but a little nastiness goes a long way (say, over the next five columns or so).

Hype Not Believed

Shank goes out on a limb today:

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — What would be sweeter than beating the Jets today?

The Jets have it coming. They’ve been talking trash for months, and now the larger forces are coming back to bite them in the glutes.

...

New England won eight of the last nine games it played against the Jets in Giants Stadium. Most of those games were played in the glare of massive media hype — back in the days when neutral fans rooted for the Jets to beat the blue meanies from New England.

Not now. Against the Jets today, the Patriots are America’s Team.

America's Team? Give me a break. What Shank's doing is obvious - if the Patriots win, he can pat himself on the back. If they lose (or tie), he can continue shitting on them for another week. Disingenuous to the extreme.

Pitiful Performance

That's Shank's description of the Jets' game last week. It also serves to describe the effort (lack thereof) put into this column. Third sentence in, we are welcomed once again to the cleverness of Dan Shaughnessy:

Yesterday, Brady Gaga softened his stance a little.

Soon thereafter, the column looks a lot like Shank's CNN / SI column from August 30. Shank keeps the professional tone intact by referring to Bill Belichick as 'Hoodie' and

Old Laughing Boy didn’t like that one, not one bit. He’s best served when surrounded by doubters and lightweights buying into the myth of Jet supremacy.

Compare that last sentence to what Shank wrote 2 weeks ago - not a hint of doubt about the myth of Jet supremacy. "I was for the Jets, before I was against them!"

Shank finishes with trademark mockery:

Division opponent. I love that one. It’s so understated. The Jets are a divisional opponent the way the Yankees are a divisional opponent.

Can his columns get any more derisive of the Patriots? Stay tuned!

Nothing Else Matters

This week's CNN / SI column focuses on the NFL and how it crowds out other sports this time of the year. The early portion of the column exhibits Shank's continuing man crush on Tom Brady, and there's also some 'sampling' from an earlier Shank column, which doubles as a sorry excuse for rapier wit:

In this century, Brady is New England's Michael Jackson. He is Brady Gaga.

There are fewer things more pathetic than being pleased with your own cleverness; I just can't think of them right now...

Mountain... Molehill

Randy Moss plays right into Shank's hands with his post-game press conference.

FOXBOROUGH — It would be overstating things to claim that we’ve never heard or seen anything like this before. We have, after all, seen Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, and there was the night in Miami when Billy Sullivan yanked coach Chuck Fairbanks off the field before the start of a game. We watched Roger Clemens set himself on fire in Oakland and Don Zimmer make a bull rush for Pedro Martinez.

The only thing that's overstated is Shank's reaction to it. To compare this presser to Tom Cruise jumping on a couch is absurd, as are the Oil Can Boyd / Manny Ramirez comparison. The column drips with lame metaphors and subtle (and not so subtle) digs at the Patriots organization. I cannot take this column as seriously as Shank would like us to. His agenda is pretty obvious.

Glass Is Half Empty

Leave it to Shank to commemorate the 2010 - 2011 New England Patriots in the most negative light possible:

The last memory is a bad one.

For every team in town.

The moribund Red Sox came into this season still smarting from Jonathan Papelbon setting himself on fire on the Fenway Park mound and melting in the ninth inning of Game 3 of the 2009 Division Series.

The Celtics will go into their new season looking at champagne bottles that never were popped at the Staples Center, still wondering whether Kendrick Perkins could have made a difference in Game 7.

The Bruins want to burn the tapes and make fans swallow amnesia pills. The 2010 spring hockey choke in the Hub was as bad as any wound the Red Sox ever inflicted, and the Sons of Claude cannot start soon enough to make us forget the Flyer debacle.

Now say hello to your 2010 New England Patriots.

Our last memory of the Patriots at Gillette Stadium is no better than the nightmare finishes furnished by other local teams. Eight months ago, we watched Ray Rice run 83 yards without being touched (it was Gump-like) as the Ravens bolted to a 24-0 first-quarter lead in a playoff game against the once-unbeatable-at-Gillette Patriots.

Shank dumps on all four professional franchises, hitting for the cycle...

Bumpy Column

When Shank starts off like this:

Tom Brady is our Beatle. He is our Jacko. He is Brady Gaga.

...there isn't much need to read further. A simply awful column, even by Shank's standards.

Show And Don't Tell

Shank is not a fan of New England Patroits press conferences. His disdain for coach Bill Belichick is on full display in today's column, which is more 'standing headline' than anything else. It's no secret that Belichick keeps his cards close to his chest and says next to nothing at these press conferences, but Shank inevitably writes one such column every year in order to generate some faux outrage in over-the-top prose worthy of an Al Pacino movie:

But the Patriots are not the Jets. The Patriots are the Nixon White House of sports. They see demons everywhere. They bash dissent, deny the obvious, and rely on a silent majority of loyalists (including some credentialed media) to pledge allegiance.

The Patriots have a Kremlinesque video camera trained on the assembled media during Bill Belichick’s press conferences. (Think they’d send me a highlight tape of myself eating cookies and asking keen questions over the last 10 years?) I’ve always wondered whether there is some in-house lackey responsible for logging the tapes and identifying enemies.

I think you'd have to go back 10 years, or more, to find an example of Shank asking a keen question. I will agree that the Patriots training a camera on the press pool is creepy and, yes, Kremlinesque.

Throw in a Red Sox reference in a column ostensibly about the Patriots, and you have another of Shank's templated columns.

UPDATE at 2:25 PM - Tom Brady doesn't want to talk about his contract extension, either. Soviet Premier Belichickov got to comrade Bradovsky somehow...

But When Did He Take A Leak, Shank?

Shank covers the last round of the Deutsche Bank Championship yesterday and strangely devotes nary a word of the column to Charley Hoffman, the winner by five shots. Instead, he writes his entire column about Tiger Woods, who finished in 11th place. In what may be termed a bipolar column, Shank shows half man-crush, half Shank throughout. He throws in a few half-clever sexual double entendres, reuses a stock explanation ("His is not a comeback to be equated with a guy returning from major surgery or major leaguers who came back from World War II to play baseball in 1946.") and summarizes Tiger's post tournament interview while weaving in a comparison to Wade Boggs.

Shank's conclusion:

What else is there to say? It was awesome.

What a fanboy...

Who Cares About College Football?

According to Shank, it's not us. Although college football was "practically invented in the northeast", Shank assures us that we are a professional sports town. It's not the first time Shank has expressed such an opinion (I'm unable to locate previous articles stating this sentiment with respect to college football), and Shank also throws in the seeming disinterest in local college basketball and hockey to bolster this argument.

While it may be difficult to actually gauge or quantify levels of interest between college and pro sports in this neck of the woods, Shank provides many examples of the past popularity of college football (roughly dating from 1920 to the Flutie-era BC Eagle football teams) and the more recent dearth of college sports coverage in print and radio. It's likely that shift is attributable in part or in whole to the likes of Yaz, Orr, Bird & Brady. I don't agree with him on the John Calipari era UMass teams, probably because this is where I started following college basketball. While I follow college and pro sports (currently half-watching the Navy - Maryland football game), I think there are more occasions where the pro games (of all types) seem to be bigger events, and perhaps more numerous, than their college counterparts. For example, (end of September - early October) even with the Red Sox out of playoff contention, the Red Sox - Yankees series will always draw like a magnet, or the Patriots playing a division rival. To quote Shank,

That's just the way it goes. We are a professional sports town.

A reasonable statement; I'm just not entirely convinced.

I Wonder What Took Him So Long?

Manny Ramirez, newest member of the Chicago White Sox, comes to Boston on Friday. Shank waits until today to unload on Manny, leaving virtually no stone unturned. It's one of Shank's better vindictive pieces. I can't do it justice with excerpts; go forth with pinched nose and read it all, for it is classic Shank...

Pick Up The Pieces

Maybe the recent string of 90+ degree days in the Boston area has something to do with it, but Shank trots out another edition of the Picked Up Pieces column, normally a disjointed pile of rambling twaddle with a few interesting nuggets thrown in so as to prevent us from shaking our heads throughout the entire column. This month's edition is no different, and, practically in midseason form, starts off with Take A Dump On Bob Kraft Day:

The once-great Channel 4 has officially sold its news soul to the New England Patriots. “All Access’’ is one thing, and here on Morrissey Boulevard we are compromised because of the awkward New York Times 17 percent stake in the Red Sox (hence, our court-mandated NESN appearances). But WBZ-TV has officially morphed into a 24/7 Patriot infomercial for Bob Kraft enterprises. These preseason home broadcasts have become outright ridiculous. Channel 4 feeds us nonstop promotions on the owner, Patriot Place, and the CBS Scene.

For the Rams game, Kraft insisted that the “talent’’ wear red shirts with Patriot logos. This was done in the interest of promoting the Patriot “brand.’’ Affable Steve Burton plays along, calling the diminutive Kraft “Mr. Big.’’ What’s next for Burton and Dan Roche — propeller beanies with Flying Elvises and Pat Patriots? Pom-poms, megaphones, and Patriot letter sweaters?

It’s one thing to insist that broadcasters spread the gospel of the team, but when you make them wear team garb, you’re telling the world that the station is in the bag. “All Access’’ becomes All Suck-Up. The station can’t be trusted to report anything real or remotely negative about the team. Channel 4 is deeper in the tank with the Patriots than WEEI is — no small achievement.

I wonder what's worse - a TV station that has a pro-Patriots reporting slant, or a Globe sports columnist who criticizes a Red Sox player by stating

"Ellsbury has played only nine games all season and is clearly at odds with the Sox management, medical staff and teammates. And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs."

...who fails to disclose the fact that he's one of the carvees? You make the call!

P.S. Hey, Danny Boy, you gonna watch Tiger Woods take a leak this weekend?

Predictable

Ask, and ye shall receive:

It’s liberating.

We can all stop now. We can stop scoreboard watching, and doing math tricks, and harboring silly hope that there’s a big surge ahead that will thrust the Red Sox into the 2010 playoffs.

Better to cease with the torment now and accept the obvious. The Sox are not going to be in the hunt in October. The Boston baseball season is going to end Sunday, Oct. 3, at Fenway Park. When Game No. 162 is over, the Yankees will leave town and start their American League Division Series. The Sox will scatter to the four winds.

I think having 20 guys on the disabled list during the year is the only reason Shank's column isn't as vicious as I was expecting.

Anyone else believe Shank had half this article written back in February?

Shank On Patriots / Jets

We're all waiting for the inevitable 2010 Red Sox post-mortem / reaming from Shank, but we'll have to make do until then with another good CNN / SI column:

The pro football season can't start soon enough. Here in New England, we can't wait for Week 2 when the Patriots play the Jets at the new football theatre (WTF? - Ed.) off exit 16W in the Meadowlands.

The Patriots and their fans hate the Jets with the proverbial power of 10,000 suns. It's Red Sox-Yankees with tailgates and goal posts.

I didn't agree with this sentiment last year, but as time and events march on, I'm closer to agreeing with it. Shank starts the rivalry's history with Bill Parcells bolting for the Jets in 1997 and takes it to last week's comment by Tom Brady that he hates the Jets.

Good Josh, Bad Josh

Making up for lost productivity over the past month, Shank bangs out his third consecutive column in as many days. Today he focuses on Josh Beckett, who's not exactly having a career year in 2010 but had a good game yesterday until the seventh inning.

Also worth mentioning - good Shank writing and, um, most of his other stuff...

Idiot

In rare consecutive day columns, Shank ponders Johnny Damon's reason(s) for not coming to Boston. Naturally, he trashes Damon's book before coming close with...

It really makes me wonder how bad things got for him in Boston at the end, when he was negotiating for a new contract after the 2005 season.

He then trashes Red Sox fans (childish, inane, nitwits) before coming out with this gem:

Damon came here from Oakland because Boston offered the best deal. When his contract was up, the Sox offered four years at $40 million while the Yankees offered four years at $52 million. It’s a significant difference. Damon wasn’t a guy who left for one extra dollar. He left because the Yankees outbid the Sox — by a lot.

That's not exactly how Shank viewed the situation at the time:

Johnny Damon is a Yankee and it looks like the Red Sox don't know what they are doing. ... So now your Boston Red Sox have no center fielder, no shortstop, and no first baseman to go along with no Theo Epstein and no clue. It's fair to say this is becoming a winter of discontent in Red Sox Nation. Ben and Jed and Craig and Larry and Tom and John and Crosby, Stills & Nash can spin this anyway they want, but Sox fans can't escape the conclusion that there's chaos at the top. The Josh Beckett trade bought some goodwill and glad tidings, but losing Damon to the Yankees is a devastating blow to the foundation of the Nation.

And the finish:

Damon’s decision to eschew Boston hurts the Red Sox on and off the field. And we may never know the real reason.

It's kind of funny to observe the undisputed heavyweight champion of running athletes out of Boston act like he doesn't understand why Johnny Damon isn't coming back to the Red Sox.

Clementine

Shank returns from his late summer vacation to remind us that Roger Clemens isn't a complete asshole:

Let me tell you the story of Clementine.

Clementine is a 6-foot-tall white teddy bear that sits in a shed behind my house. Clementine is 16 years old and a little worn around the edges. The big bear is dirty, moth-ridden, and has duct tape covering holes where stuffing would come out.

Clementine came to our house in a giant cardboard box delivered in a UPS truck in the winter of 1993-94. When the driver and I discovered that the return address was “Katy, Texas,’’ we checked to see if the thing was ticking. Roger Clemens was no friend of mine, and I was concerned the box might contain a Trojan Horse or some other mayhem maker.

No. It contained a get-well gift for 8-year-old Kate Shaughnessy, who’d just been diagnosed with leukemia. There was an autographed baseball from Clemens and the big white bear. Kate smiled and named him/her Clementine. And Clementine stayed in her room until she graduated from college.

The rest of the column chronicles Clemens' baseball career and his current federal grand jury indictment.

It's little wonder Shank didn't bury Clemens with this column...

Flamethrowers

Back from vacation, Shank devotes his weekly CNN / SI column to the latest Red Sox controversy: Bard or Papelbon as closer?

A closer controversy is not unlike a quarterback controversy. You know the drill: veteran star struggles... kid steps in and makes everything look easy... fans want to kick the old guy to the curb and go with the young gun.

Say hello to Jonathan Papelbon and Daniel Bard, the two most important residents of the Red Sox bullpen.

The rest of the column is informative and reasonable, like so few of his Globe columns.

Nail Biter, and Shaq

That's Shank's nutshell description of yesterday's 2-1 win over the Yankees. It's the first time in a while that Shank seems to write about the Red Sox in a level headed manner.

On the other hand, check out his CNN / SI article on Shaquille O'Neal. He describes the trade as a good trade. For a columnist who constantly pointed out the collective age of the Celtics roster, then add Shaq to the mix, and declare it a good trade is a bit baffling.

Mound Of Trouble

That's how Shank describes Josh Beckett's start last night against the Yankees, which resulted in a 7-2 Red Sox loss. It's a decent Shank column; slightly critical without the trademark vindictiveness, cheap shots and lame song lyrics.

Cheap Trick

Shank takes a trip to New York to write an underwhelming column after a 6 - 3 Red Sox win. Since this is the first of a four game series, little can be read into the first win, and that's precisely what we get with this column. One may get the impression that Shank would have buried the 2010 Red Sox had they lost last night. We'll see by Tuesday, won't we?

A shot at Shank's new whipping boy (With the bases loaded and two outs, Vazquez walked Jacoby Ellsbury, who is 0 for 12 since coming back from Pawtucket (maybe Ellsbury needed more games in the minors).) and Shank's classic disclaimer (Your Sox are going to have company in their quixotic quest.) finish off a lame column.

It's A Twofer

Shank bangs out a pair of columns, one of them at CNN / SI, where he wonders why Rick Pitino still has a job. Among other tidbits,

Leaving himself open to ridicule on top of scorn, he said the encounter lasted only 15 seconds. He made himself a punchline.

What's worse then being a Minuteman? A Pitino!

Next up, Shank takes yet another shot at Jacoby Ellsbury. After three plus months, you do have to wonder what the hell is going on.

It’s impossible and unfair to measure another man’s pain.

But Shank does it anyway. It helps to write this column after a Red Sox loss, and now Ellsbury is the new Nomar / Manny / Schilling in Shank's eyes, complete with mentioning a trade / a comparison to Nomar circa 2004.

Meanwhile, the wounded Sox are sinking in the American League East.

This, after a mere week after jumping back on the bandwagon. This guy's shameless.

What An Asshole

I could have gone with an alternate headline, say, 'I Was Wrong' when describing the belief that Shank would not discuss the recent 6 - 4 road trip by the Red Sox. However, the real headline barely captures my complete disgust with this columnist.

Dan Shaughnessy, July 27, 2010:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Reading Red Sox dispatches from Oakland and Seattle was depressing. The estimable Amalie Benjamin and indefatigable Pete Abraham kept me up to date as the Sox stumbled out West, but I had to come out here to see for myself. The SS Francona is taking on water, listing badly, and I wanted one last look before it sinks into the Pacific, under the Theo Epstein Bridge to 2011.

Dan Shaughnessy, two fucking days later:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — I’m in. I believe. I just saw Marco Scutaro hit a grand slam to complete a three-game Red Sox sweep of the Angels. The Sox look like they are ready for a big stretch run.

The Sox just played 10 games in 10 days in three cities. They won six, lost four, and ordered room service 214 times. They looked dead in Seattle, and now they are coming home with bounce in their step and real hopes for August and September.

Dan Shaughnessy, the ultimate fair weather friend, turns on a dime yet again based on essentially a three game stretch. Dan Shaughnessy, shamelessly back on the bandwagon after pointing out all that is wrong with the Red Sox two weeks ago. Hypocritical Dan Shaughnessy, after many articles bemoaning the lack of offense of the Red Sox (sorry, there's too many of them to link to), now bursts with pride (and finally acknowledges) about the batting lineup:

Offense? For all the winter worries about scoring runs, the Sox are second in the league in runs and homers. They hit four jacks yesterday, including Scutaro’s bases-loaded blast that cracked open a 3-3 game in the eighth inning. They have had more doubles than Don Draper and the boys at Sterling-Cooper.

Nice to see Shank upgrade pop culture references from the Seinfeld era, isn't it?

A single begrudging acknowledgement of his past criticisms of the Red Sox is the only redeeming quality I see in this column:

I came to Los Angeles to bury them, but now my glass is half-full.

More like half full of shit. It's both amusing and infuriating to see the alleged ace Boston Globe sports columnist act like a flighty, ditzy high school blonde that can barely make up his or her mind on anything, much less stick to his convictions for any length of time greater than a couple of days. Either that, or this is part of a huge game he's playing just to get a few more eyeballs on his columns. Whichever it is, he's still an asshole.

Sweep It Under The Rug

The Red Sox complete a three game sweep of the Angels to finish their road trip at 7 - 7, which isn't bad for a team chasing a playoff spot. Will Shank, in future criticisms of the 2010 Red Sox, omit this inconvenient fact as he's done before?

UPDATE, 7/29/10 at 9:15 AM - The road trip was 6 - 4, not 7 - 7 (I included the series against Texas in my original tally). Thanks to commenter Q for setting me straight. However, that just means there's less of a chance of Shank mentioning it.

Just Say No-No

In rare mid-season form, Shank 'treats' us to back-to-back Globe columns. Right off the bat, we're exposed to lame song lyrics:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Welcome to the No-Hit Zone of Major League Baseball, 2010. Must be the season of the pitch.

The rest of the article quotes baseball players & managers for their theories on the spike in no-hitters. I wonder if it ever occurred to Shank that, given this trend, his near constant criticism of the Red Sox and their emphasis on pitching just might be wrong and happen to coincide with this trend?

Where else can you get thoughtful, incisive analysis like this?

Put it this way: The Tampa Bay Rays have played 99 games this year and three of them were no-hitters. That’s like the same Greyhound Bus getting hit by three bolts of lightning.

Memo to the Boston Globe - you can save a lot of money and not send Shank on cross-country trips and still get the same 'quality' product.

UPDATE at 9:50 AM - Naturally, Shank's following other people's leads.

The Return Of Bitter Dan

Shank takes a trip to the West Coast, shovel in hand, to start burying the 2010 Red Sox.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Reading Red Sox dispatches from Oakland and Seattle was depressing. The estimable Amalie Benjamin and indefatigable Pete Abraham kept me up to date as the Sox stumbled out West, but I had to come out here to see for myself. The SS Francona is taking on water, listing badly, and I wanted one last look before it sinks into the Pacific, under the Theo Epstein Bridge to 2011.

Shank discusses last night's game, the injury situation and a few Shots at Jacoby Ellsbury (AKA Old Blood & Guts).

Shank then lectures the fans:

Too bad Boras can’t speak for Hideki Okajima. Okie spit the bit Sunday, then refused to explain his strange decisions regarding his fielding of Mariners bunts. This prompted media members to complain about Okie’s lack of accountability, which in turn prompted assorted fanboys to say the writers are being crybabies. Let’s go over this one more time people: if players don’t explain themselves, they are snubbing you, not us. Personally, I don’t care if any of these guys ever say another word. We only ask them stuff because we presume you want to know. If you are OK with a guy turtling after coughing up a lead, then I’m OK with it.

Last but not least, Shank continues his normal, healthy obsession with Curt Schilling:

Finally, hats off to the ship of fools known as the Rhode Island Economic Development Corp. The RIEDC yesterday pledged a $75 million loan guarantee to lure Curt Schilling’s game company (the one with no games) to the Ocean State. It’s the best demonstration of sports sycophants gone wild with public money since the yahoos in Connecticut promised to give Bob Kraft the world to move his team to Yo Adriaen’s Landing in Hartford.

Yesterday's CNN / SI article and this awful piece of 'writing' makes me wonder what standards, if any, exist for Shank at the Boston Globe.

The Deal That Wasn't

Still on apparent vacation at the Globe, Shank submits another solid column over at CNN / SI.

Alex Rodriguez is back in the news this week. Going into Monday's four-game series against the Indians in Cleveland, A-Rod is on deck to hit his 600th career home run.

This got me to thinking ... what if A-Rod was hitting all those homers at Fenway Park as the shortstop of the Boston Red Sox?

It almost happened. Actually, it did happen for a few days, but the almighty Major League Baseball Players Association intervened forever changing the fortunes of a bunch of ballclubs when the A-Rod-to-Fenway deal was triggered in the winter of 2003-04.

With the New England Patriots starting training camp this coming Thursday, I trust Shank will be back to Belichick bashing in short order...

Very Good Shank Column

That's because it's not one of his Boston Globe columns:

Among the nauseating aspects of the LeBron James "Decision" (and there were too many to count) is the old and ongoing cozy relationship that exists between LeBron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

You heard all the details. 'Bron, D-Wade and Bosh got together years ago and made a pact to one day join forces. They signed contracts designed to expire simultaneously. They held Cartel meetings during the offseason, and sometimes during the regular season.

Gag me. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned disdain for the opposition? How good can the competition be when the alleged "rivals" are in business together or planning to join forces at a later date?

At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon who covered the 1918 World Series (Ruth really dominated the Cubs in that 1-0 game, didn't he?), sports was better in the days before the players all loved one another.

Ted Williams and Bob Gibson are mentioned further on in the column. Easily his best column this month; or as former poster Dave M. might say, 'Shaughnessy - setting the bar so low that an average column looks good by comparison'. Such a cynic...

DHL Dan - III

Shank takes a day off with the picked up pieces column. This genre of column is mostly garbage, but there are occasional funny tidbits:

A Globe reader wants to know why Frank Zappa is sitting in the Rangers’ dugout. Actually, that’s Texas pitching coach Mike Maddux.

I was thinking the same thing, actually!

Bravo to Sox executive Jeremy Kapstein (running for Rhode Island lieutenant governor), for ripping the state’s proposal to give 38 Studios (Curt Schilling’s company) a $75 million loan guarantee to bring the company to Rhode Island. “I have serious questions about the viability of that kind of offer to a company that is full of questions,’’ Kapstein told WPRO-AM.

Kapstein said the same thing on Shank's radio program yesterday. I listened to it from 12:30 to 2:00, and there were many subjects covered, including the one just mentioned. Just to backtrack a bit, it's quite clear to me that Shank was in fact ripping Jacoby Ellsbury on previous shows, so the next time Shank tries the passive-aggressive act (And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs.), let it be known that Shank's doing his part, on air and in print.

Panic Button - II

Last night's Red Sox blowout loss to the Texas Rangers, 7-2, provides Shank with the opportunity to point out all that is wrong with the Olde Towne Team.

Early on, there's this whopper:

I hate to be negative (really), but when do we come out and admit the obvious?

From here, Shank highlights the awful April start, conveniently omits the next two months where the Sox had the best record in baseball, points out all the Sox injuries, then compares the upcoming Sox road trip (rough) to the Yankees & Rays (playing the Orioles, Indians & Royals).

A more honest assessment of the situation would have included that May - June period where the Sox fared much better recordwise, and that the Sox ought to do better when their injured players come off the disabled list. Positive items, however, have no place in certain Shank columns, and this is one of them.

Say Again?

As most baseball writers have done this week, columns abound about George Steinbrenner. Shank goes for the contrarian angle:

You would have liked George Steinbrenner.

Really.

An unconvincing column ensues, at least from a New England Red Sox fan's perspective.

Jack Craig, R.I.P

Shank writes about fellow Globie Jack Craig, who passed on last week at age 81. It reads like a decent enough column, but since I don't remember Mr. Craig at all, I can't comment further.

What Are The Odds?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Jacoby Ellsbury and his injury situation. Seems the primary focus is how long does it take to come back from a collision with Adrian Beltre when you wind up with cracked ribs and other injuries. More focus is given to the 'other injuries'; how they were diagnosed, by whom they were diagnosed and at whose behest were they diagnosed.

This part is interesting and humorous at the same time (my emphasis):

Ellsbury has played only nine games all season and is clearly at odds with the Sox management, medical staff and teammates. And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs.

Would you care to guess who one of the hosts of the "Boston's sports talk programs" is?

Saturday
8am: Bertrand & Gasper
11am: The Dan Shaughnessy Show
2pm: Hardy & Trupiano
6pm: FOX Sports Radio

I listened to part of the Saturday show (about 15 minutes between 12:45 & 1:00) where it was a block about LeBron, so to be fair I can't say with any surety if Ellsbury was discussed prior or subsequent to that block of time. I would not be surprised in the slightest if Shank took part in carving the metaphorical Thanksgiving turkey. Gotta love to be in the position of stirring the pot, then write as though your fingerprints aren't on the knife. One would think that, at a minimum, a disclosure of this situation would be professionally responsible.

Despicable

That's Shank's take on the self-indulgent spectacle of LeBron James' one hour ESPN special to announce his decision to play for the Miami Heat.

Truly, has there ever been a more hideous sports-related hour than what we saw Thursday night?

It’s hard to know where to start. We had MeBron speaking of himself in the third person and saying, “I’m going to take my talents to South Beach.’’ We had ESPN lying to us about at what point MeBron would announce his move, then morphing into game-show mode. We had Gray forever forfeiting all semblance of integrity, taunting America (particularly Clevelanders) by intentionally delaying the only question we wanted him to ask. And now we have the Miami Heat — a veritable team of A-Rods, the team we will root against in every game as long as LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are together.

Despicable. All of them.

No argument here.

Siesta Over?

As soon as I made my last post, commenter Paul rains on my parade and points out that Shank did indeed write a column today, one that he's been sitting on for a couple of weeks.

A couple of hours before the Red Sox played the Giants June 26 in San Francisco, Darnell McDonald came in from shagging flies to say hello to a small group gathered by the first base dugout at AT&T Park. The Sox outfielder shook hands with Sam Callahan, a 14-year-old boy battling Ewing’s sarcoma, a rare bone/soft tissue cancer that targets teens.

As noted many times in the past, these are Shank's best columns. Since the Red Sox are doing well, the Celtics' season is over and Bill Belichick isn't around for Shank to take a crap on, maybe we can expect more articles like this one. Naturally, I won't be holding my breath...

Summer Siesta / Jerry Gutlon Tribute

Judging from the previous July postings from Shank, we shouldn't expect much, if anything, from him this month, unless he steps in serious shit. It could be from a reluctance by the cash-strapped Globies to send him to premier sporting events like the World Cup or the Tour de France, or it could be from something else, like a normal bile regeneration before the Patriots start training camp or the Red Sox start a post All-Star game tailspin. It's difficult to figure out what happens from year to year. That's what makes sports so much fun!

As I was researching this, I realized yesterday was the first anniversary of former contributor Jerry Gutlon's passing. I never got to chat with him directly through e-mail or otherwise, and I knew he was a very heavy hitter with respect to his knowledge of the Red Sox and Dan Shaughnessy, and I wish I knew him better. My condolences go out to his wife Kristie and his family, and what little part I can do to carry on his spirit and passion on this site, I hope to do so honorably.

Thanks for Nothing

Shank's first column in over a week was posted on CNN / SI, lamenting the lack of action with respect to the NBA's free agents. For those who follow the NBA, there's next to nothing in this column in terms of new information:

So far, it's been a big, fat, nothing. LeBron is still in Cleveland, D-Wade is still in Miami (no thanks to Heat fans who were sent to the wrong airport terminal to welcome him home), Joe Johnson has agreed to stay in Atlanta, Dirk Nowitzki signed on with Dallas, Rudy Gay stayed with Memphis, and Paul Pierce opted out, only to stay with the Celtics. Wade, Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer are waiting to see what LeBron is going to do.

On the contrary, seems to me there's been, in fact, quite a bit of activity. Of the eight big names, four have made decisions and four have not. Does Shank really have a problem with a few people taking less than a week to make what will be for them the biggest professional decision of their lives?

With Doc Rivers and Paul Pierce re-upping with the Celtics, Shank also reminds us in nine hundred different ways that the Celtics are old, man. Granted, a team that was within one game of winning its 18th championship (which, curiously enough, was not mentioned), but why let that get in the way of a sour column?