No Light Shined on Ray

It was a column about nothing.

Handed an always provocative subject (veteran Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis) on a golden platter (SI did the heavy lifting with a piece about Lewis' supposed use of PEDs during his recovery from a torn biceps this season, and the last time "Lewis" and "Super Bowl" were being mentioned in the same sentence, he was being accused of murder following a shooting outside an Atlanta nightclub after attending a Super Bowl party), The CHB suggests, hints at, insinuates, but never comes out and says, well, anything.

Is Lewis guilty of something? Is he a victim of bad luck and timing? The CHB ain't saying.

Fellowship Of The Miserable

This is a subject familiar to readers of this site. Boston Magazine writer Alan Siegel pens a terrific column on the local contingent of Boston sports writers.

Whiny, petulant, entitled, self-important—no, it's not Boston fans we're talking about, it's Boston sportswriters. How did the sports media in this town, once the envy of the nation, become so awful?

...

In late July, Red Sox first baseman Adrian Gonzalez sent the organization’s top brass a text message to complain about the team’s manager, Bobby Valentine. It was by then clear that the season was lost. Valentine had clashed with his players since spring training and, despite the team’s bloated payroll and perennially high expectations, the Red Sox looked certain to miss the playoffs for the third straight year. In response to Gonzalez’s message, two of the Sox’s owners, John Henry and Larry Lucchino, called a meeting with a handful of players to hash things out. The players, including star second baseman Dustin Pedroia, ripped Valentine behind his back. They didn’t just air a few petty grievances, they all but mutinied, declaring that they didn’t want to play for Valentine anymore.

That incident, plus several more that reflected poorly on the manager, were revealed in an explosive story published by Yahoo! Sports on August 14. Written by Jeff Passan, the article followed a June report by ESPN’s Buster Olney that called the Red Sox a “splintered group” and described the team’s clubhouse as “toxic.”

Whoever was at fault for the chaos that had descended on the team — Valentine, the players, ownership — it was clearly a massive story. Unless, that is, you happened to work as a sportswriter in Boston. While national reporters parachuted in to break a big story—as they’ve been doing with increasing frequency of late—the local press simply missed the boat.

For what it's worth, we wrote about it after reading the Yahoo Sports story and listening to Michael Felger talk about it. Shank picked up the ball a few days later.

But Abraham is hardly the only problem these days. The Boston sports media, once considered one of the country’s best and most influential press corps, is stumbling toward irrelevance. The national media not only seems to break more big Boston sports stories than the local press, but also often features more sophisticated analysis, especially when it comes to using advanced statistics. To put it bluntly, “The Lodge”—as Fred Toucher, cohost of the 98.5 The Sports Hub morning radio show, mockingly refers to the city’s clubby, self-important media establishment—is clogged with stale reporters, crotchety columnists, and shameless blowhards. Their canned “hot sports takes” have found a home on local television and talk radio, but do little but suck the fun out of a topic that’s supposed to be just that. And we haven’t even gotten to Dan Shaughnessy yet.

Once again, it's a great piece; it's worth your time. I'll just highlight the part that allows me to engage in Shaughnessy bashing!

Take Dan Shaughnessy.

Please!

After his more than 30 years at the Globe, everybody knows the columnist’s shtick: Be contrarian, be over the top, and, if at all possible, be part of the story. And why should he change? It continues to work — the rest of the city’s sports-media complex feeds on his bluster. Before that Texans game, for example, Shaughnessy used his column to gleefully ridicule the Patriots’ opponents, calling them “pure frauds.” It was the same caustic, one-liner-laden junk he’s been peddling for years. “Could this get any easier?” Shaughnessy wrote. “I mean, seriously? The planets are aligned and the tomato cans are in place.”

I'm still trying to figure out why Shank, alleged baseball writer, didn't write a damn thing about the passing of former Baltimore Orioles manager Earl Weaver. Combined with the points made above, I attribute the lack of a Weaver column to laziness and callousness. Siegel wraps it up with some advice - certainly more than I'd ever give those cocksuckers at the Globe:

Boston’s sports pages became influential because a bunch of forward thinkers had the creativity, brains, and freedom to try something different. Whatever once flourished, though, has ground to a halt.

As national publications continue to recruit next-generation talents like Lowe, Goldsberry, and the many others who went underappreciated in their home city, it’s worth stopping to consider the plight of the local sports telecast. If channels 4, 5, and 7 at last did away entirely with their evening sports segments, who around here would care? Boston sports fans are more likely to turn to ESPN’s national SportsCenter broadcast rather than the local affiliates for television highlights and news. The same fate almost certainly awaits our local publications—print and digital alike — if they fail to adapt.

Were the Globe to stop publishing sports tomorrow, how much loss would readers feel? Certainly some, but much less than even a decade ago. That’s because Boston fans have gotten increasingly used to following the ups and downs of their favorite teams in national outlets rather than local ones.

The message to The Lodge (Massarotti, Shank, Ordway & Cafardo - ed.) is clear: Change, or die the death of utter irrelevance.

Craptacular

Today's column, an excerpt from his new book on ex Red Sox manager Terry Francona, is like so many of The CHB's, full of shit.

Literally.

It's several hundred words on how Francona liked to use the bathroom in his clubhouse office, sometimes going so far as to invite people in while he was on the crapper.

Extraordinary journalism.

Epstein to Shaughnessy: You're All Wrong

It comes as no surprise that several persons are contesting various aspects of Shaughnessy's latest effort (343 pages, with pictures, all in easy-to-read type with NO big words!). Even Terry Francona, the book's subject, is backing away from the hype.

Theo Epstein is the latest to dispute some of the more salacious details. The CHB is attempting to prime the "John Henry ownership is bad" pump, a motif he's been pitching since before the ink was dry on their acquisition of the team and has carried through the years:

• "In my mind there's no question that the O'Donnell group was the way to go." (USA Today, Jan. 22, 2002)
• "[T]he bag job of a major league franchise sale..." (Boston Globe, March 27, 2005)

Now, in response to the much-discussed section on how the owners wanted to market the team -- isn't that their job, by the way? -- Epstein says there was "no direct link" between marketing meetings and the Red Sox's acquisitions of Carl Crawford and John Lackey. "I take full responsibility for those moves. It was my job to handle the pressure of a big market and make good decisions."

Theo's a standup guy. One the other hand, one wonders how The CHB walks with no spine.

Quick Slants

If anyone was wondering why Shank took a shot at Tom E. Curran (and vice versa) in the leadup to the Texans / Patriots game a few weeks ago, it's all here.

History, Revised?

The Terry Francona book continues to take a few interesting turns:

Terry Francona and Dan Shaughnessy joined Gresh & Zo Wednesday morning to discuss their new book, “Francona: The Red Sox Years.” The guys asked the former Red Sox manager about past relationships with players and how ownership affected his tenure in Boston. Also, Francona and Shaughnessy give a look into how they built their unlikely relationship.

Francona, on Tom Werner saying the manager admitted to losing the clubhouse
I don’t think the front office ever said that. I think Tom Werner made that comment that I said that I had lost control, which I had never said. I don’t think I ever lost control.

If you're inclined to equate letting certain players booze in the clubhouse with losing control of the team, that doesn't quite square with this, does it?

Based on Francona’s non-denial, it’s apparently true that some of the Sox’ starting pitchers were drinking in the clubhouse during games they were not scheduled to start. A report in yesterday’s Herald broke the story and Francona rejected an opportunity to say that it was untrue.

Next:

Francona, on the challenges of Boston
Part of being a manager in Boston, or probably a coach in Boston for that matter, is trying to put out the daily fires. There are enough of them to begin with, and the ones that aren’t there are made up. It’s part of the daily regimen. Trying to make it easier for the players to play was part of my responsibility.

So Francona, who cites putting out the daily fires as part of his job, asked one of the arsonists to help him write this book?

Francona, on Manny Ramirez taking a public beating for taking three strikes against Mariano Rivera
I tried to always stick up for Manny, I think that’s probably the reason people didn’t believe me. We had asked him to pinch hit that day and he was ready. He was back in the tunnel, he was engaged. He never got a pitch he thought he could handle, and he never offered.

Now, I don’t think he lost sleep over it. But he didn’t go up there and mail it in. He took a beating for that one, and I didn’t think that was just.

Maybe my brain's shot, but I distinctly remember one of those first two strikes with Manny's bat resting firmly on his shoulder, but not the last one.

The rest of the Gresh & Zo interview is at the first link. The best parts of the two segments are Shank's infrequent interjections.

Old School Baseball

A belated R.I.P. to one of the best, and outspoken managers of professional baseball in my lifetime, Earl Weaver, who also enjoyed interaction with the umpires. I'm surprised that Shank, a former beat writer covering the Orioles, did not write at least something about him.

Maybe next week...

Final Nail In The Coffin?

Who better to complete the financial ruin of the New York Times (parent company of the Boston Globe, AKA the Boring Broadsheet) than the most overrated, headline grabbing, self-promoting U.S. businessman of the past thirty years, Captain Combover?

Billionaire Donald Trump wants it known that he really, really wants to buy The New York Times (NYT +0.23%) even though the paper is not for sale -- and even if it were, the Sulzberger family, which has owned it for more than a century, probably would never sell it to him in a billion years.

"I have watched Mr. Trump over the years navigate much tougher acquisitions," writes Michael Cohen, a Trump spokesman. "Mr. Trump is so smart and so rich that if he wants it, he will get it. If Mr. Trump elects to purchase the NY Times, commits his time and resources, there is nothing he can’t do."

Shares of the company, which also owns the Boston Globe, were barely budging on the news, indicating that Wall Street isn't holding its breath for a deal to happen. A spokesperson for the Times couldn't immediately be reached.

Probably because the spokesperson is still laughing. Aside from my own feeling of same, skepticism is seeping out:

I could question just who are the “sources familiar with the situation” that served up this scoop, and whether they were authorized by the notoriously publicity-hungry Trump to leak it to an outlet of repute and thereby win him another day of fleeting relevance.

If, however, you're rooting for someone to run a company or two or more into the ground, and overpay for it at the same time, you got your man, Pinchy! Make the deal!

New Book Nothing New

Sports Illustrated is now running an excerpt from Shaughnessy's latest hatchet job book, and as expected, it's heavy on the panting and light on everything else.

Among the breathless revelations:

• Tom Werner cares about television.
• John Henry is really rich, and doesn't always have time to spend making hands-on decisions on  every single one of his international businesses
• The Fenway Sports Group also owns a soccer team
• Fans don't want to watch losing baseball teams or selfish players

And in the course of the fairly short excerpt, there was, as expected, at least one major factual error: "Our owners in Boston, they've been owners for 10 years. They come in with all these ideas about baseball, but I don't think they love baseball."

• John Henry: has been a franchise owner since 1989, first in AAA then since 1991 in the majors (Yankees, Marlins, Red Sox).  
• Tom Werner: franchise owner since 1990 (Padres, Red Sox)
• Larry Lucchino - President/CEO of Orioles (1988-93), President/CEO of Padres (1995-01)

So which person has been an owner for 10 years? Henry and Werner have been owners for more than 20 years each. And who buys a minor league baseball team, or spends his entire career in baseball, if he doesn't love the sport?

The prose is, well, to call it "basic" would be an insult to fifth-graders everywhere.  Fat, drunk and curly is no way to go through life, Shank.

For his part, Francona is now backing away from the harsher parts of it. What a shock.

Nevermore

Shank does a decent job wrapping up the end of the season for the Patriots.

FOXBOROUGH — We kept waiting for the big comeback. We waited for the goofy bounce that would go in favor of the Patriots. We waited for the opponents to bow at the altar of Gillette Stadium and melt into a puddle at the sight of Messrs. Belichick and Brady. We waited for Walt Coleman to call the Tuck Rule, or Billy Cundiff to miss an easy field goal attempt. We waited for the football gods to shine some light on the ever-fortunate sons of New England.

None of that happened Sunday night. The ever-lucky Patriots found no horseshoes. Pitted against a mean team of men who were not afraid (hello, Ray Lewis and John Harbaugh), they were beaten and beaten soundly.

It also means the end to columns like this one. But don't worry, Shank fans - spring's just around the corner, so it won't be too long before he's pissing down the legs of Red Sox management and ownership.

Duped

This isn't a post about Shank, but when the subject of trust in the major media is discussed, I don't have any problem throwing another log on the fire.

It was back in November, before Notre Dame played Boston College, that I made my first-ever trip to South Bend, Ind., assigned to write about star linebacker Manti Te’o.

By that time, his story was well-known, featured in everything from the South Bend Tribune to Sports Illustrated. Te’o had lost his grandmother and his girlfriend within six hours of each other in September. He had played on, helped the Irish beat Michigan State, and made a moving tribute to the girl he said he loved.

Now, suddenly, we learn that she never existed. It was mind-blowing — all the more so because I had heard it from him directly.

So I read Deadspin. I read Twitter. I watched Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick explain the college’s side of the story. I yearned to hear from Te’o. And I couldn’t help but think about my role in all of this, as yet another complicit reporter who retold Te’o’s tale.

And that's the problem, isn't it?

Maybe next time Amalie remembers the old Russian proverb 'trust, but verify'.

The Terry Francona Project - II

Terry Francona's book is out on Tuesday. Shank's pre-release column on the book is out today.

IT SEEMED LIKE Terry Francona was always mad at me.

For eight years.

My cellphone would ring and it would be a Red Sox publicist calling: “Terry wants to talk to you.” And we would talk. The manager would dispute and clarify things I’d written in one of my Globe columns. He’d explain why he left Pedro Martinez in the game after Pedro exceeded his pitch limit. He would defend using Coco Crisp over Jacoby Ellsbury at the start of the 2007 playoffs. He’d challenge the notion that he was panicking by having Jon Lester ready to pitch on three days’ rest in the 2009 postseason.

“What I wrote is just an opinion,” I’d offer.

“Well, not having information hasn’t prevented you from having an opinion” was a familiar retort from Francona.

Fortunately, he didn’t carry a grudge. I enjoyed the give-and-takes with the Sox skipper during his successful eight years (five playoffs, two championships) in the corner office on Yawkey Way. He was a baseball lifer, almost as old as I. He told great stories and he was funny. I believed that if we’d had different jobs, or more time together, we’d have gotten along great.

I was right. The former Sox manager and I spent the last year writing Francona: The Red Sox Years, which hits bookshelves Tuesday. The project was thoroughly collaborative, exhausting, and hilarious.

Of course Shank was willing to let bygones be bygones; there's money to be made here!

Shank And The Boston Celtics

On January 5th of this year, Shank went to a Celtics game and wrote a column about their loss.

Then the Celtics rip off six straight wins.

Coincidence?

Picked Up Pieces Column Time

When you don't have any ideas for a column, you write about everything. Today's picked up pieces column amply demonstrates this. He writes about the upcoming Patriots - Ravens game on Sunday, Edgar Allen Poe, The Beatles, Bill Belichick, John Fox, Grady Little, Janet Marie Smith (she redesigned Fenway over the past decade), Lance Armstrong, Penn State football, Marcus Camby, Hideki Matsui (let's get ready for baseball!!!) and sundry others.

Not to be negative, but if the Patriots win Sunday, they have a chance to become the losingest team in Super Bowl history. Four franchises have lost four Super Bowls: the Bills, the Vikings, the Broncos, and the Patriots.

"Not to be negative" - who said Shank lacks a sense of humor? Negativity has been his defining trademark for the past three decades.

In case you're wondering, Shank still hates bloggers:

Brick by brick, media access fades toward zero — a perfect future in which fans will get all their news from team websites. In a recent Sports Illustrated story, Roy Blount Jr. wrote of strict rules for those covering the Steelers: “At no time will media be permitted to interview members of the Steelers’ organization in the lobby or parking lots without prior consent from Steelers p.r.’’ The Los Angeles Angels have replaced their perfect press box with luxury boxes and moved the ink-stained crowd down the baseline. And here on Causeway Street, the Celtics are trying out a new system that closes the locker room to all media pregame. Sports Guys Rule. Pretty soon, everyone can just stay home, watch TV, and write their rambling opinions in 5,000 clever words.

Dan Shaughnessy - bitter to the last drop!

Just remember that a picked up pieces column written by a Boston Globe sports columnist isn't rambling in any respect - that's different.

The Houston Schaubs?

Shank is taking the fine art of douchebaggery to a whole new level with this column (emphasis mine):

FOXBOROUGH — The Waltz of the Tomato Cans was everything we expected.

The Patriots defeated the Houston Texans, 41-28, Sunday in the first de facto preseason playoff game in NFL history.

I’m exaggerating, of course. This was not an exhibition football game. This was a certified NFL playoff contest, and the victory elevates the Patriots to the AFC Championship game Sunday night at Gillette Stadium against the Baltimore Ravens. The Bill Belichick-Tom Brady tandem has a chance to win a fourth Super Bowl in 12 seasons.

The Patriots beat the Ravens in the AFC title game last season and lost a 1-point decision to Baltimore in September. Sunday’s rematch could be the final curtain for Baltimore’s Ray Lewis and would give the Patriots a chance to avenge Super Bowl losses in 2008 and 2012. We’ve got great drama, all around.

But Sunday’s victory over the Houston Schaubs didn’t tell us much about the Patriots. The Sons of Belichick were weak on special teams, failed to keep their foot on the Texans’ throats, and have lost All-World tight end Rob Gronkowski for the rest of the season.

Texans Redux

Now that the Patriots / Texans game is in the books, here are some questions I'll pose about Shank's next column. These are not mutually exclusive questions.

* Will he be his usual, insufferable self after correctly calling the outcome of this game? Monkeesfan, let us know what he says on the Gresh & Zolak show tomorrow or Tuesday!

* Will he dump on the Texans, and Houston / Houston fans in general, one more time?

* Will he dump on Bill Belichick because Rob Gronkowski reinjured his forearm and is out for the rest of the season?

* Will he have the balls to trash talk Baltimore and Ray Lewis like he did Houston and Arian Foster?

Shank Doubles Down On The Texans

It looks like Shank's aware of the feedback loop involved with his insult sprinkled column of Sunday, and in response has decided to flip Houston the bird one more time.

My eyes are square. I’ve been watching All-22 film since Monday. I’m doing everything I can to make a case for the Houston Texans Sunday in Foxborough.

I hung out with Gresh and Zo and learned about zero sets, wham blocks, rolled coverage, trail technique, and inside-out coverage. Cover-2 is my life.

I forced myself to watch reruns of a clown show called “Quick Slants.” I memorized the roster of the Texans, even the guys on injured reserve. I think I can predict Gary Kubiak’s seven inactives for Sunday.

As the ultimate sign of respect, I plan to change my column avatar to an image of Arian Foster.

No arrogance or condescending attitude here, agreed?

But wait - there's more! Note Shank's lack of balls use of the passive voice in the first following paragraph, painstakingly avoiding ownership of his use of 'tomato cans' and 'frauds' in that Sunday column.

This has been an emotional week for the good folks of Houston. They apparently felt disrespected when it was noted that the Texans are frauds who have no chance to beat the Patriots. A couple of references to “tomato cans” got everybody all excited (please don’t tell them I didn’t vote for Craig Biggio or Jeff Bagwell). Next thing you know, a full-blown media war broke out.

No need for that, people. Let’s cease and desist with the “you’re fat — you’re ugly!’’ stuff. This need not be personal. I like tomato soup. I even like Houston more than most travelers. I’ve been to Roger Clemens’s Spring Woods High School. I watched “Urban Cowboy” and “Apollo 13” numerous times. I’m one of the few fans who know that “Tin Cup” was shot in Houston.

We have fond memories of Super Bowl XXXVIII in February of 2004. Patriot Nation had a wonderful time when Houston served as the Super Bowl’s host city. Reliant Stadium is a terrific facility with great sightlines.

Did I mention a patronizing attitude on Shank's part? Like it needs to be brought up...

Stating The Obvious

Here's Shank on Wednesday's Baseball Hall of Fame voting:

No one was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame when voting results were announced Wednesday. Steroid backlash barred the likes of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens — for now — from induction into the shrine in Cooperstown, N.Y. Voting is conducted by members of the Baseball Writers Association of America.

Thank you, Mr. Spock!

Leave Shank Alone!

At least that's the battle cry from local political reporter Jon Keller, who for some unexplained reason comes to Shank's defense after the latter's Sunday rip job / bulletin board material for the Houston Texans.

BOSTON (CBS) – I knew when I read Dan Shaughnessy’s column in the Globe the other day that it was going to have ugly repercussions, and I was right.

...

Shaughnessy is taking heat from some fans right now for supposedly “jinxing” the Pats with what he wrote, but I have to side with him on this one.

For most, if not all sports fans, trash-talking an opponent – as long as it doesn’t cross basic boundaries of taste – is an integral part of the fun.

And for many Boston sports fans, trash-talking comes naturally as an extension of the art of the “rank,” the pointed but essentially-friendly insult shared between friends. I know some folks get upset when Red Sox fans chant “Yankees Bleep,” but they don’t understand that it’s really a sign of respect for their most-feared opponent.

So, leave Dan Shaughnessy alone. He’s just doing what comes naturally.

Which is pissing people off; this isn't exactly a news flash around here.

The question I would pose to Mr. Keller - is it, or should it be, the columnist's perogative to engage in 'trash talk'? And I don't mean criticising a team's abilities (for instance, their QB is untested in playoff games, etc.); the snide use of 'tomato cans', 'fraudulent', etc. is what I'm getting at.

It used to be in the old days that a columnist could write something like this and not be held accountable; the advent of the internet and blogs allow for a generous amount of pushback for us to point out when a columnist is writing like an asshole, as Shank did with decent amounts of Sunday's column. I respectfully disagree with Mr. Keller's plea to leave Shank alone. Shank asked for it; let him enjoy the consequences.

Hall No! Shank Won't Go

Woe is Dan: He has to vote for the Hall of Fame.

OK, so that's not exactly true. He can resign from the BWAA. Or he could send in a blank ballot.
But whining about it is easier, not to mention more fun! So let's hear what The CHB has to say:

• "I voted for Jack Morris, Tim Raines, Alan Trammell, and Curt Schilling."

Three out of four right ain't bad. Morris didn't totally suck, but he's the classic case of voters looking at what he was *capable* of versus what he actually did. So go on.

• "I did not vote for the greatest home run hitter of all-time. I did not vote for a guy who won 354 games and seven Cy Young trophies. I did not vote for a guy who hit 60 or more homers in a season three times. I did not vote for a catcher who hit 427 home runs. I did not vote for a first basemen who hit 449 home runs. I did not vote for a guy who hit 569 homers and cracked 3,020 hits."

So that means no Bonds, Clemens, Sosa, Piazza, Bagwell, Palmeiro or McGwire. To support his passing off the buck, The CHB trots out the least respected and most ignored criteria for the Hall: The player’s character.

Keep in mind that the Hall includes Ty Cobb (racist), Grover Alexander (drunk), Mickey Mantle (drunk), Gaylord Perry (self-avowed cheater), Babe Ruth (gambler, drunk), Paul Molitor (drug user), Ferguson Jenkins (ditto), Don Sutton (doctored the balls), Enos Slaughter (racist) ... the list goes on and on. And that doesn't begin to count all the guys who used greenies, uppers, amphetamines and other performance-enhancing drugs not called HGH or steroids. But no matter. It's OK to want to string a guy up for the color of his skin, but not OK to use a drug that has never been proved to make any difference.

Evidence of PED use doesn't matter to him, The CHB acknowledges. And, because he's not voting for the best players, talent doesn't matter either.

Which is something Shank knows all too well.

Arian Foster Loves Shank

In yesterday's column, Shank once again referred to the Hoston Texans as frauds. Houston's running back Arian Foster did not take too kindly to Shank's remarks.

Arrogance, Reflected

After spending the better part (for a writer as hacktastic as Shank, is that a contradiction in terms?) of his mediocre career lambasting players as prima donnas, owners as arrogant, and everyone else as basement trolls, The CHB has truly become that which he lives to despise.

For today, for the second time in three days and the third time in a month, The CHB calls the Texans "frauds" and says the Patriots will walk over the competition to the AFC Championship.

Who is calling who arrogant? For The CHB, whose range as a columnist runs the gamut from childish name-calling to demeaning of talent and everything in between -- and why not, since he's had a pretty lucrative run perpetrating his own fraud on the owners of the Boston Globe -- this is the epitome of his projectionism.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Btw, oh Curly one, it's Reliant Stadium, not Reliant Field. 

Wearin O' The Green

Shank's first column on the Celtics in over two months, unsurprisingly, comes after a loss.

I came to the Garden with the best of intentions.

Not that bad, I reasoned. The Celtics had lost seven of nine and were abysmal on a recent western road trip. They were two games under .500, not even playoff-worthy if the postseason had started New Year’s Day.

But I couldn’t believe it was that bad. Not after last year, and the year before. Those Celtics teams started slowly, then played great in the spring. They were a gift. They were aging overachievers. They had the right stuff. They were respected and feared, which is a great combination.

These 2012-13 Celtics?

Not so much.

Those of us who've been watching the Celtics with regularity in the same timespan could have told you anything Shank wrote in his column. And, hasn't Shank been harping on the age of the Celtics players, oh, for the past four years or so, and now he seems almost surprised at the result?

Brady / Manning Hype, Two Weeks Early

Shank's utterly predictable column on the 'dream' matchup for the AFC Championship game.

Go ahead. Amuse yourself with the Patriots’ prospects against the Ravens, Colts, or fraud Texans.

Not me. I’m jumping ahead to the main draw. I’m fast-forwarding to the game that destiny demands.

Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning in the AFC Championship game.

Again.

It’s the game you want. It’s the game the NFL has wanted since Manning made “The Decision.’’ And now we are going to get it . . . in three weeks. When assorted Colts, Ravens, Bengals, and fraud Texans have been sent home.

Get set for an avalanche of clichés over the next two weeks.

I believe it's already started...

The Four Horsemen Were All Named Larry Bird

The CHB consumes 783 words to regurgitate one of the most cliched and trite punchlines of 2012: the "end" of the Mayan calendar.*

From the Tricky Dick Nixon opening to the "no tomorrow" close, the entire column is one huge cliche, which, of course, is The CHB's lame attempt at a joke.

But the lesson, other than that the CHB, given 23 years to come up with something original for this piece,** failed miserably (surprise!), is that when his mendacity intertwines with his amateurish comedy, mendacity wins every time. What a shock.

The other sad truth is, it may take the end of the world to finally rid us of the crap Shaughnessy peddles each week.

*Shaughnessy's entire column rests on the widely discredited notion that the so-called "end" of the calendar meant the apocalypse is upon us. Unfortunately for Shank, we've been reading about that misapprehension for at least a year. One wonders if he still tells knock-knock jokes around the office.
**Speaking of unoriginal, chalk up another Larry Bird sighting.

Season's Bleatings

Since the prophecies of the Mayans have proven false, we are treated to more Dan Shaughnessy columns. In this case we are revisiting Shank's dumbest column of the year as one of the year's fifty worst, selected by David Wagner at the Atlantic Wire.

Dan Shaughnessy in The Boston Globe on blood-lusting bloggers You know those awful fans who cheer when an athlete on the other team gets injured? That's basically what bloggers do for a living, according to Dan Shaughnessy. Oh, and their responsible for such taunts, too. "It is about fanboy bloggers who kill everyone and everything under the brave cloak of anonymity," he writes.

Trouble with History

Oh this is precious.

The CHB takes a break from flip-flopping on the NFL to weigh in on the 2013 baseball season. Never mind that this is still 2012, but what the hey!

And yes, per usual, Shank trots out all the tired history of the Red Sox' last-place finishes. Must be exhausting spending all that time cutting and pasting from Wikipedia  each day.

And then the CHB lays into the acquisitions. While he can't quite call the Sox cheap, the implication is clear. What Mr. Wikihistory can't seem to recall, however, is how similar the Red Sox of 2013 are starting to look to the Red Sox of 2003.  Kevin Millar was a Marlins reject who we stole from Japan. The Opening Day DH was the "other" Giambi. The immortal Todd Walker was at second. Trot Nixon was coming off a down year where he hit just .256. Bill Mueller was a Cubs castoff who had his .262 in the weaker league the year before. And some slob columnist was calling new pickup David Ortiz a  "giant sack of you-know-what" before he had even stepped on the field.

So once more, we recap Shank's less-than-brilliant Sox forecasts:

• Like in 2003, when he wrote the Red Sox will win the World Series. (They didn't.)
• And in July 2004, when he wrote the Red Sox won't win the World Series. (They did.)
• And in September 2009, when he wrote "It feels like the Red Sox are going to the World Series." (They didn't.) 
• And in September 2011, when he wrote "It is not 1978.  (It was.)

That team made it to the seventh game of the ALCS, and then won the whole shebang the next year.

Head in the Air

For at least the fourth time in the past month (and who knows how many more on the vomit-inducing Dan Shaughnessy Show?), The CHB determines that wins and losses in the NFL come down to who wins the opening coin flip.

Seriously.

Then he contradicts himself within almost successive paragraphs, first writing

"[The 49ers] ignored the league-wide memo that urges all Patriot opponents to wet their pants at the sight of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. They did not forget everything they knew. They did not do stupid things...."

And following that with

"The plain truth is the Niners could have led, 44-3 when it was 31-3. They fumbled inside the Patriot 10. Colin Kaepernick overthrew one of his receivers who had beaten the coverage. They missed a 39-yard field goal."

Oh yes, and whining about fawning fanboys and proclaiming he's the only guy in town who looks at the Patriots objectively, he reiterates his preseason prediction that the Pats are Super Bowl bound.

Brilliant.

All Drewn Up

How long until The CHB makes snide and unfounded comparisons between Stephen Drew and his brother (and ex Red Sox RF) J.D.?

Our guess is, the bitterness rises even before the ink is dry on a Sox contract with Drew the Younger.

Shank will probably even compare him to Eddie Bird.

All In

In today's column, Shank continues his I Heart The Patriots Tour.

Tom Brady knows.

You could hear it when he spoke after Monday night’s 42-14 beatdown of the previously 11-1 Houston Texans. And again Wednesday.

Brady knows this is the year. He knows that this Patriots team has an opportunity to finish what the 2007 team and the 2011 team started. The 2012 Patriots have positioned themselves to win Super Bowl XLVII on Feb. 3 at the Superdome in New Orleans.

Shank fills out the column with the obligatory man crush fluff:

He looked truly happy.

Why not? Tom Brady is the personification of “Living the Dream.’’ He has two healthy sons and a newborn daughter. He is better looking than George Clooney, has more money than Jay Gatsby, and is married to the highest-earning model in the world.

He can pull off anything. Who else could promote men’s UGG boots and live to talk about it?

Mark Wahlberg — another guy who Has It All — visited the Patriots’ sideline before Monday night’s rout. Marky Mark is wealthy, famous, accomplished, and has a picture-perfect family. He was “The Fighter.’’ He invented “Entourage.’’ He is the executive producer of “Boardwalk Empire,’’ one of the best television series of all time.

And like everybody else, Mark Wahlberg wishes he was Tom Brady.

You'd think some people would be embarassed writing shit like that last sentence. You'd also think some people would be embarassed with the obviously transparent jump on the bandwagon in the midst of a winning streak when it was less than a month ago he was finding fault with the Patriots in any manner possible.

Shank Nails It

The New England Patriots won handily last night, 42 - 14, a result that concerns DSW commenter Monkeesfan:

Shank will become more insufferable now because he nailed this one - the Texans got crushed 42-14.

Lo and behold, the Boston sports columnist who hijacked the bandwagon.

Patriots look like they’re heading to Super Bowl

FOXBOROUGH — The Falcons don’t scare me a bit. The Niners could provide some resistance and we’ll get a look at them this weekend. But if you really want to know the truth, the team that scares me in Super Bowl XLVII is the . . . New York Giants.

Sorry for the buzzkill. But the Giants are on my mind today.

The Patriots are going to play in the Super Bowl Feb. 3 in New Orleans. Nobody in the AFC is better than New England. Not this year.

Insufferable is pretty apt here; the only thing missing is a few 'sons of Belichick' Shankisms to put it over the top.

Is Shank Trolling Us?

One line only from today's column:

The Patriots are going to win their “Monday Night Football” game against the Texans, and they are going to dominate.

Why would he say something like that? Granted, the Patriots have five blowout wins this year - at Tennessee, at Buffalo, the London game versus Saint Louis, versus Indianapolis and the Jets game a fortnight ago. I'm pretty sure the Texans are playing better football than those teams. I'm not saying it won't happen but it's not likely.

I think this is a setup for a pissy column tomorrow if the Patriots lose, nothing more. All that from one sentence. I'll ask Mike if I can change the masthead to 'We barely read him so you don't have to.'

The Terry Francona Project

The former Red Sox manager's book will be out next month. You may know that Our Man Shank is the book's co-writer.

When he wasn't on the "Baseball Tonight" set, Francona, along with Dan Shaughnessy, wrote a book about his eight seasons in Boston. It's scheduled to come out in January.

"I hope people want to buy it," he said with a laugh. "It's eight years of a lot of funny [stories], some emotional [stories], a couple sad things. Dan busted his rear end on this thing. First of all, the fact that me and him were together doing it was a shock to me (you are not alone, Tito - Ed.). First time I picked him up, I told him, 'You have to black out the windows because I don't want people to see me driving you around.' I had a year I could do it because under normal circumstances you can't do it. It ended up being kind of fun.

"I think for the most part, if somebody ends up being bent out of shape, that was not ever the intent. It was just to tell the story and I hope people take it that way because I think it's a really good story."

This marks the second time today I read a sentence about Shank that I never thought I would read. I think it's time to start drinking heavily, for the Apocalypse is upon us!

Looking Good?

It looks like I jumped the gun on Shank a few days ago. Today's column summarizes the recent efforts by the Red Sox to change their roster for the 2013 season. Since I generally don't give a rat's ass about baseball, I will avoid weighing in on each acquisition and potential trade rumors (i.e., Lester and Ellsbury), but will instead point out 'interesting' parts of the column.

That’s right, people. This nattering nabob of negativity is happy to see the Red Sox overpaying for the likes of Shane Victorino, Mike Napoli, Jonny Gomes, and David Ross (there’s no truth to the rumor that I just made up Ben Cherington was walking about Nashville saying, “three-year, $39 million contracts for everybody!”).

Shank has no problem with the perceived overspending now; he'll be singing a different tune if / when the Sox hit their first serious losing streak. He's on the bandwagon now; will he be riding shotgun in early June?

These new faces are believed to be “character” guys. Victorino, Napoli, and Gomes are legitimate big-league ballplayers who have played on the biggest stage. They represent an improvement over the people in the pitiful lineups submitted by goofball Bobby Valentine in September 2012.

Shank just loves goofballs. Or used to...

Do I care that the Sox overpaid for Messrs. Napoli and Victorino? Do I care that the Sox gave David Ortiz a two-year contract (a.k.a. lifetime achievement award) when Ortiz had no bidders for his services? Not a bit. It’s not my money.

Did you ever think Shank would ever write that last sentence? Me neither.

Building for the future. There’s the issue. If the Red Sox are building for the future, they should be all about scouting and player development. They should admit that they will be terrible this year and get on with their future. They should save their money for better free agent classes.

But it’s hard to do this in Boston.

Mainly because of nattering nabobs of negativity like Shank, who will shit on the Red Sox players, managment and ownership at the drop of a hat.

Allen on Shank

Bruce Allen over at Boston Sports Media Watch has taken aim at The CHB's rerunning the same worn-out insults about the Patriots.

Read it here.

Early Lump Of Coal

"Let's see... five columns in the past two weeks... can't rag on Bill Belichick, too obvious... Can't do a whole column about Mike Napoli, Shane Victorino or other recent Red Sox news; that's too much work... Gotta get something out there...

I got it! I'll do another picked up peices column! Brilliant!"

Picked-up pieces while waiting for the Patriots to defer after they win the coin toss Monday night . . .

Where have we heard the coin toss line before?

All that said, Miller’s contribution to baseball’s plague of the late 1990s (and beyond) — a.k.a. “the steroid era” — cannot be understated. Nobody fought drug testing harder than Miller. In his view, it was a violation of civil liberties. Most important, it was a bargaining chip (Miller also had some kooky Bill James-like ideas that there was nothing wrong with PEDs). Miller’s place in sports history is eternal, but he gets a big slice of the blame pie for the steroids mess.

How about baseball writers and sports columnists that didn't write jack shit about it the whole time? Using that logic, don't you guys get the rest of the 'blame pie'?

I love the Red Sox’ acquisition of Mike Napoli, but like a lot of Sox watchers of a certain age, the rhetoric around the new slugger reminds me of the Danny Cater deal. A legendary “Fenway hitter” and Sox killer, Cater was acquired by the Sox for lefthanded reliever Sparky Lyle after the 1971 season. Over three seasons in Boston, Cater hit .262, averaging 5 homers and 27 RBIs. Lyle went on to win the Cy Young Award for the 1977 Yankees.

You heard it here first - Napoli will be the next Carl Crawford.

Sports Illustrated’s magazine sales will not spike in Cleveland when they see LeBron James on the cover as “Sportsman of the Year.’’

Way to go out on a limb there...

How’s this for obscenity? Head football coaching changes at five SEC schools — Mississippi, Texas A&M, Auburn, Kentucky, and Tennessee — will cost an aggregate $26.85 million in buyout payments. Auburn, which has dumped two coaches since 2008, is on the hook for more than $12 million. This is another reason I’m proud that I don’t live in a big-time college football town. Take that, Brother Ryan.

First off - why should Shank care what a school does with its money? Second, Shank loves to remind people that Boston's not a big-time college football town unless it suits his purposes.

Read the rest, if you dare.

Flipping over the Pats

Yesterday the CHB called the AFC East "lame-o" and said the contest pitting the Patriots and the Dolphins would be over at the coin flip.

Today he says he says we take the Patriots for granted. "We are spoiled. A win, even when it clinches a division title/playoff spot, isn’t good enough anymore."

At least he dragged himself away from the buffet and free beer long enough to change his mind on that, because the rest of the piece is a cut-and-paste from Sunday's column.

Oh, the life of the flipper.

Cold Blooded in Miami

 The CHB commits some 874 words to set up the Patriots for a smackdown should they lose today in Miami.

The tripe piece is a long-winded complaint about the Patriots' decade-long dominance of the AFC East.

Per usual, it is littered with references to people and teams completely unrelated to the matter at hand: Shaquille O’Neal, Red Auerbach, the Boston Bruins, the Boston Garden, the Boston Celtics, the Red Sox, and Spurs coach Gregg Popovich. And like all CHB mail-ins, there's the run-through of an assortment of unrelated statistics and a near-biography of anyone on the Dophins with a tie to the Boston area.
 
Once again, instead of appreciating the extended stretch of excellence, Shaughnessy has to belittle the accomplishment. One almost forgets he predicted the Pats to make the Super Bowl this year. Aren't they supposed to roll over their opponents?

And after all the snark of today's column (which should be titled "Another Shaughnessy mail-in? Ho-hum"), should the Patriots get upset, expect The CHB to be front and center Monday with a piece that utterly dismisses the team's playoff chances.

Alexandra 'Sasha' McHale

Shank's latest column talks about the recent passing of 'Sasha' McHale, Kevin McHale's daughter. Full article is at the link.

You're Fired!

After four years on the job and this season's 2 - 10 record, Boston College football coach Frank Spaziani gets shitcanned. Shank takes the predictable parochial route while pretending to care about the former coach.

We are old people who mail handwritten letters and make phone calls while the rest of the world sends e-mails and texts.

Correction - you are an old person using snail mail and rotary phones, so speak for yourself.

We are English-speaking tourists, dropped into a city square in Sicily, trying to understand what everyone is saying. We are sports-crazed Bostonians, blissfully unaware why the rest of the country makes such a big deal out of college football. Boston College, the only Division 1 program in Greater Boston, fired its football coach on Sunday. After four disappointing seasons, bottoming out with this year’s 2-10 bomb, Frank Spaziani was relieved of his duties by new athletic director Brad Bates.

This one's buried behind the Great Globe Paywall, so my guess is that we're not missing much...

Inseparable

As traditional as turkey and football, today's Shanksgiving column is designed to make you believe he's not the asshole he usually is during the rest of the season.

If the lion sleeps tonight, it’s probably because he ate too much tryptophan.

...

But football owns Thanksgiving — especially in Massachusetts, where just about every high school plays its final regular-season game this morning.

The first Thanksgiving was in 1621 at Plymouth Plantation, just a few miles from where Plymouth North (3-6) will play Plymouth South (7-3) at 10 a.m.

Et cetera, ad nauseum. Somehow it's always about Massachusetts, but you knew that already.

You also knew Monday's column was written not to disprove the notion that Shank's a lazy columnist. He is; that was his first column in eleven days. It was written for one purpose only - to leverage Gronkowski's forearm break in order to take shots at Bill Belichick, and nothing else. Mike's post below amply demonstrates this. Today's column is an annual, disingenuous staple written in order to lull the reader into believing there's a compassionate side to Dan Shaughnessy. Poppycock.

Tomorrow's column, or non-column, will prove the theorem; if the Patriots win, no column will be written unless something happens in that game that allows Shank to take one or more shots at Belichick and / or owner Robert Kraft. If the Patriots lose, all fucking hell will break loose.

Whiner's Lines

The CHB is all in a huff today because the Patriots aren't ... well, they aren't something.

First it's that Rob Gronkoswki was playing near the end of a blowout victory. "Gronk didn’t need to be on the field and the grid god got even, breaking the bone of New England’s Sub Zero superstar," sayeth His Shankness.

Oh, but it seems anyone who actually knows something about, you know, football defended the decison:

• "Jeff Saturday was my right guard on the PAT team, and I'd never think of taking him off," says ex Super Bowl winning coach Tony Dungy. "All my years in football, I never heard anyone, never heard Chuck Noll saying, 'Well, we better get Jack Ham off the PAT team.' It's not something I'd question."
• "You always leave your starters in on the PAT, even on the field-goal block team," says ex Super Bowl winning linebacker Tedy Bruschi.

So Shank moves on to the next bitch:  "We can’t go there yet because the Patriots haven’t even acknowledged the injury."

Except that they have: "Asked for an update Monday on Gronkowski, coach Bill Belichick said, 'I don't really have anything. I know that our medical people are looking at all the players today when they come in, trying to assess their situation, like we always do on Monday. I'll catch up with them as they've had a chance (to gather that information).' "

So we go to the third and final whine, which is really the point of the entire column: "Belichick stonewalls just because he can." Yes, yes he does. And so far, that seems to be working. Five Super Bowl appearances, three victories...seriously, you really need the coach to be Smilin Jack Connors?

Next complaint, please!

Shank Could Use Your Help

When natural disasters strike and affect our fellow man, we ought to reach out and lend a helping hand.

Nearly half of the thousands of homeowners waiting for FEMA and other governmental disaster assistance following Sandy had let their flood insurance lapse, according to industry estimates.

“We were told flood insurance went up to $2,400 a year,” said Dan Shaughnessy of Rockaway Park, whose home was destroyed. “My wife was just laid off, and we haven’t had [the ocean] touch the bay since 1936, so I said, ‘OK, right now, while money is tight, I’ll cut out the $2,400 a year.’ ”
...
“Luckily, FEMA came through with $30,000, thank God, which is going to help us move forward,” Shaughnessy said.

Do Columnists Get Bye Weeks?

It's been well over a week since Shank wrote his last Boston Globe column. Today's game between the Patriots and Colts may have produced a Shank column like this one, but you'd be wrong.

Gone Fishing?

We haven't seen our man Shank in print for a week now, but he has made the rounds at Comcast Sports New England (November 7th, November 11 and November 12) and CBS Local (November 6 and November 12).

Before you click on the CNSNE links, annoying ad warning; annoying Shank voice warning on the other two...

Tommy Points

Shank has a very good column on longtime Boston Celtic Tommy Heinsohn.

You know him as the color man on Celtics television broadcasts. You know him as Fred Flintstone barking about referees. You know him as a booming, opinionated guy who loves the Celtics and has no use for the lugs running up and down the floor in visitors uniforms.

He is Tommy Heinsohn, Mr. Celtics, an institution on Causeway Street.

What too many of you don’t know is that Heinsohn was one of the greatest Celtics of all time, and that he coached more Celtic seasons than any man other than Red Auerbach. In one way or another, Heinsohn has been part of the Celtics for 57 years.

He played when Johnny Most honked for the Celtics. And now he has become a hulking, ex-jock version of Most. Heinsohn is the ultimate homer and we love him for it. But there is so much more about him that you need to know.

Shiny Happy Papi

The man who Shank once called 'a sad sack of you-know-what' has signed a two year deal with the Red Sox.

His first Red Sox manager was Grady Little. He was here before “Fever Pitch” and the new version of “Tessie.’’ In his early days as a Red Sox pinch hitter, he warmed the bench alongside Lou Merloni.

David Ortiz goes back. Trupiano Way Back. He was in uniform with the Red Sox the night Aaron Boone broke New England’s heart and he was in the dugout when Robert Andino ended Boston’s 2011 season in Baltimore.

From there we're treated to a recap of Ortiz's career, comparisons to other Red Sox sluggers and one 'sons of Tito Francona' mention. In other words, another formulatic, paint by the numbers column.

Hop On The Green Line

Shank takes a walk down memory lane before tonight's Celtics home opener against the Milwaukee Bucks.

Ode to the Celtics.

Paul Pierce played with Antoine Walker, who played with Rick Fox, who played with Larry Bird, who played with Dave Cowens, who played with John Havlicek, who played with Bob Cousy.

This is one of the things I love about the Celtics. There are only five guys separating Truth from the Cooz.

Friday night is the 67th home opener for our local NBA franchise.

This is one of his better efforts in recent memory, aside from the following disingenuous paragraph:

But this current Celtics group has given us little to challenge. Wyc Grousbeck, Steve Pagliuca & Associates are fans, but they aren’t calling plays from the bench. They deliver a pretty good product. They haven’t insulted or pandered to their fans. We were skeptical about them in the early days, but as owners go, they have ranked surprisingly low on the buffoonery scale.

Robert Kraft has owned the New England Patriots since 1994. They have won numerous division titles since that time, have appeared in six Super Bowls in that time span and won three of them. Has Robert Kraft given 'us' little to challenge? Yes. Has that prevented Shank from taking all sorts of shots at Kraft? No bleepin' way - I can't link to all the examples.

John Henry & Tom Werner have been the lead owners of the Boston Red Sox since 2002. They have won two World Series championships since that time, when many fans would think they would pass on before the Red Sox would win a World Series, let alone two. Has this ownership group given 'us' little to challenge? Until September 2011, that answer would be yes. Has that prevented Shank from taking all sorts of shots at, let's face it, John Henry (since Tom Werner got Shank's daughter an internship four plus years ago)? Once again, no way in hell, and once again, I can't link to all the examples.

It's too bad Shank has to trash an otherwise good column with demonstrably false statements like the above paragraph.

Content For The Next Shank PUP Column

Shank hasn't been shitting on too many people recently. The lawsuit against Curt Schilling ought to change that a bit.

PROVIDENCE, R.I. -- Rhode Island's economic development agency on Thursday sued former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling and some of its former officials, saying they committed fraud and other acts that misled the state into approving a $75 million loan guarantee to his failed video game company.

UPDATE AT 7:05 pm - Zero Hedge piles on:

Doping cyclists, UK banks which manipulate every possible thing they are involved with, and now embezzling one-time baseball millionaire greats with bloodied socks... Is nothing sacred anymore?

Cold Shoulder, Side Of Bullshit

Shank stayed in Miami yesterday to cover the Heat's win over the Celtics, 120 - 107. Let's skip the game stuff and go straight to the Ray Allen story:

MIAMI — Does it really have to be like this?

Ray Allen didn’t like losing his starting job in Boston (to Avery Bradley - ed.). Ray didn’t like Rajon Rondo. He didn’t feel appreciated by the Celtics.

So Ray made a deal with the hoop devil. He signed with the Miami Heat.

And now Kevin Garnett gives him the Sicilian “you’re dead to me’’ attitude.

KG's reaction, or lack thereof, isn't exactly a secret - was Shank expecting KG to send flowers and a box of chocolates?

Allen’s role as a reserve with the Heat is somewhat amusing to Celtics fans who trash him for leaving because he was no longer a starter in Boston. Still, it’s understandable why he would go to Miami: it’s a shot at another ring, he’ll always be open, and the weather is significantly better than it was in his last four basketball outposts: Boston, Seattle, Milwaukee, and Storrs, Conn.

There's a wee bit more to the story than Shank lets onto, which may be understandable, given that this is Shank's first column on the subject.

Let's go ahead and watch the butchering of what's left of the column:

But the takeaway moment of opening night was the Big Chill from Garnett. It was a cold moment, almost Red Sox-ian.

Has anyone figured out why Shank needs to insert a Red Sox reference into nearly all of his columns?

And it made you wonder . . . why does it always end badly in Boston?

You know something? I wonder about that myself. You might want to ask Nomar Garciaparra about that. Or Manny Ramirez, or Theo Epstein, or Pedro Martinez, or Curt Schilling, or Roger Clemens, or...

The 2012 - 2013 Boston Celtics

Without a local team, coach, manager or owner to dump on in a week, Shank sets his sights on the Boston Celtics, who start their regular season tonight against the Miami Heat.

MIAMI — It was a dark and stormy night less than five months ago.

We were Celtic-centric. We were still stinging from another Super Bowl stunner, surprised that the defending Stanley Cup champion Bruins were eliminated from the playoffs, and somewhat concerned with the increasingly goofy behavior of Bobby Valentine.

But we had the Celtics. They were everybody’s favorite team in New England, enjoying a feel-good run through the NBA playoffs. They had defied the critics in taking a 3-2 series lead against the supposedly indomitable Miami Heat in the Eastern Conference finals. It looked like the Celtics would close out the choking pretenders at the Garden in Game 6, but LeBron James went into Wilt Chamberlain overdrive and knotted the series.

And so we all took our talents to South Beach for Game 7. Anticipating a lengthy road trip that would take them to Oklahoma City for a couple of games after winning in Miami, the Celtics packed string ties and Buddy Lee shirts. We reminded ourselves that the Celtics were 21-7 in Game 7s. The Heat would undoubtedly choke in the big one. Roll down the window and let the wind blow back your hair. We were all going to Thunder Road.

This is the typical Shank opening season column formula; mention all the other local teams, recap the prior season, update the roster for the new season and throw in a Bruce Springsteen reference. Not too predictable...

Shank's Busy Weekend

The Boston Globe's leading sports columnist has been busy covering the major sporting events over the past few days, including the World Series and the Patriots big win over the St. Louis Rams in London yesterday.

Oh, wait - you mean he didn't write anything at all in nearly a week?

Never mind...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XVI

The HMS Titantic keeps taking on water...

The quarter showed the negative impact of the Times's introduction of a digital "paywall" to the New York Times and Boston Globe Web sites, limiting nonsubscribers' access to the sites.

The number of digital subscriptions at the Times, Globe and International Herald Tribune rose 11% from the second quarter to 592,000. That helped lift circulation revenue to $234 million, up 7.4% from the year-earlier quarter. But advertising revenue fell 8.9% to $182 million, primarily due to lower national display and real-estate classified revenue, the company said. Revenue slipped 0.6% to $449 million.

Both print and digital advertising contributed to the advertising decline—10.9% for print, and 2.2% for digital. The company blamed the digital advertising decline on a weak economy and price pressure caused by a glut of inventory and the rise of programmatic ad buying. The company expects the advertising outlook in the fourth quarter to be similar to the third quarter, it said.

Thus Sprach Homer

Shank gets a mini vacation to San Francisco and tries to gin up interest in this year's World Series between the Detroit Tigers and San Francisco Giants. There will be default interest, at least for the first two games, since there are no other major sports events on television until the weekend.

SAN FRANCISCO — Five years ago, the Patriots were on their way to an 18-0 record, the Ubuntu Celtics were in the early days of a championship season, Boston College’s football team was ranked second in the nation, John Farrell was Terry Francona’s first-year pitching coach . . . and the Red Sox were in the World Series against the Colorado Rockies.

Those were the days when you cared about the World Series. You couldn’t wait for Jonathan Papelbon to pull a 12-pack box over his head and do another Riverdance on the Fenway lawn.

So boozing's okay when Papelbon used to do it? Got it!

Baseball mattered. The World Series mattered.

You might think a columnist with Shank's three decades plus experience could focus almost exclusively on the subject at hand. Unfortunately, Shank feels the need to interject many parochial items in his column that you would think primarily involve the two teams, or the World Series in general. But you would be wrong:

■ The Kung Fu Panda. What is not to love about the Giants’ third baseman? Pablo Sandoval is baseball’s biggest loser and baseball’s biggest winner simultaneously. He must have the worst body of any athlete competing for a championship this year. He also has got the best nickname since Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd. Sandoval is Everyman, batting in the middle of the lineup for a team in the World Series.

■ Al Alburquerque. The Detroit reliever hacked off everybody in Oakland when he fielded the final out of a Division Series game and kissed the baseball before throwing it to first base.

■ Giants second baseman Marco Scutaro. Can’t you just hear Bob Lobel voicing over his highlights, saying, “Why can’t we get players like that?’’ Scutaro holds a special place in Red Sox lore. His baserunning blunder in Baltimore contributed to the final loss on the final night of the 2011 season. He flung his glove into the dugout when he came off the field as the Orioles celebrated at home plate. He was dumped during the offseason in a front office effort to avoid the luxury tax. He was also one of the Red Sox’ best players during the 7-20 collapse of 2011. Scutaro hit .387 (36 for 93) in his final month with the Red Sox. And now he is the MVP of the National League Championship Series (14 hits).

■ Tigers manager Jim Leyland wears spikes and smokes in his office. His wife is from Greater Boston and he has been known to complain about the cost of college tuition.

■ If you’ve tailgated on Commander Shea Field before a BC football game, you’ve stood in the spot where Buster Posey called pitches for Florida State against the Eagles in a three-game ACC baseball series in 2008.

No shots at the Red Sox or John Henry - is this Shank's new found restraint?

Whack Job

So two days after the Red Sox "were taking too long" to hire a new manager, John Farrell is now locked up as the skipper and "he’s got time to assemble his staff and his team."

Huh. Yet that's about the most sensible thing The CHB has to say in this 834-word regurgitation of his most common complaints, whines and bitches.

Most of the piece is the same old shtick: the owners are dysfunctional, the pitchers entitled, the support staff whackos. No surprises there. It wouldn't be a CHB column, though, without some flip-flops, of course.

When Terry Franconca was hired, Shank advised him to "Get caller ID on your cellphone and accept any calls from B. James in the 816 (Kansas City) area code."

Today, after two World Series wins, Bill James is now "a kooky cont­rarian in Lawrence, Kan. — a man intent on the reinvention of the way we all think about baseball."

Guess Shank is still mad that James' methods destroyed that whole "Curse" nonsense.

Bad hair and hard feelings are no way to go through life, Dan.

Great Moments In Sports Columnist Whining

October 18, 2012:

"I am worried that the Sox are taking too long to work out a deal with Toronto."

October 20, 2012:

Red Sox hire John Farrell as new manager

There's just no way to make some people happy...

Hired Learning

The Red Sox fired Bobby Valentine on Oct. 4. Today is Oct. 18. Obviously the Red Sox have waited too long to replace Valentine and have thus undermined the 2013 season. Or so insists The CHB.

Unfortunately, as history has so often shown, The CHB is wrong, all wrong!

After the Red Sox fired Grady Little in 2003, they did not hire Terry Francona until Dec. 4. That one turned out OK, or so I seem to recall. 

In The Yankees replaced Buck Showalter with Joe Torre on Nov. 2, 1995. He skippered the Bombers to six pennants and four World Series titles.

When the Cardinals fired interim manager Mike Jorgensen following the 1995 season, they waited until Oct. 23 to hire Tony La Russa. Two more World Series wins there.

By the way, when George Steinbrenner hired Torre, he gave him a two-year deal. So I guess the argument that a contract of fewer than three years equates to lame duck status is invalid, too.

So patience, young grasshopper. After all, we've been waiting nearly 60 years for you to grow a brain.

Raining On Their Parade

A loss for the Patriots equals a good column, at least from Shank's vantage point. Without the Red Sox to dump on, this loss allows him to start ripping on Bill Belichick full time again. At least we now know why Shank didn't write about the Pats / Bills game two weeks ago...

SEATTLE — Ouch. This was like getting beaten by a team managed by Bobby Valentine.

It was a field day for the headline writers . . .

Clueless in Seattle.

Hopeless in Seattle.

Winless in Seattle.
...
And then it all came apart like a plywood guard shack in a hurricane. Rookie quarterback Russell Wilson embarrassed the New England secondary, throwing a bunch of home run balls in a couple of touchdown drives. The Patriots had no answers, and there was Pete pumped and jacked on the Seattle sideline as the Seahawks stunned the Patriots, 24-23.

While Pete did his Mick Jagger routine in the closing seconds, Belichick looked like Bogie standing in the rain on the train platform in Paris, reading the “good-bye forever” note from Ingrid Bergman.

Angry Birds 24, Patriots 23 . . . easily one of the worst losses of the Belichick-Kraft era.

You know it had to kill Bill to stand there after the game and say, “They outplayed us today, outcoached us.’’

It takes a special kind of warped mind to write with such obvious glee and enthusiasm at another's misfortune, be it a person or a team. Either that, or Shank's a natural born asshole. Read on for more Shank shots at the Patriots and Bill Belichick. And Red Sox comparisons, which no Shank column should be without.

Jacked, Pumped And Amped

I'm halfway impressed with Shank this morning. Really! He manages to squeeze an entire column out of the subject of the noise level at CenturyLink Field in Seattle, where the Patriots are playing the Seahawks this afternoon.

OF COURSE there's a Spinal Tap reference...

It Might Get Loud. Does It Go To 11?

I have my earplugs. I am ready for Patriots vs. Seahawks at CenturyLink Field Sunday afternoon. Like the coach of the Seahawks, everybody here is pumped, jacked, and amped. This was the birthplace of Boeing, and Seattle fans pride themselves on their ability to generate the sound of a 747 taking off from Logan.

For a playoff game against the Saints in January 2011, Seattle fans rocked their stadium enough to register as a small earthquake on a seismometer near their home field. They were nominated for the coveted cover of “Madden 12.’’ They are going to make life tough on the Patriots today.

Shank has a flashback in the middle of the column:

Belichick turned up the volume during practice at Gillette Stadium last week. He bombarded his team with Green Day, Pearl Jam, and Jimi Hendrix.

I love the idea of Stevan Ridley taking a handoff to the tune of “All Along the Watchtower,’’ “Purple Haze,’’ or perhaps Hendrix’s skull-imploding national anthem at Woodstock.

Does Belichick know that Hendrix grew up in Seattle?

Bet he does. How could the master of preparation miss a detail like that one?

You know what will really impress? An article on the game itself.

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The Dan Shaughnessy Watch is now on Facebook!

CHB, MIA

Shaughnessy, Oct. 4, 2012: "Looking forward, it's very clear Ben Cherington wants to hire John Farrell. It's blatant."

Nick Cafardo, Boston Globe, Oct. 10, 2012: "Source: Red Sox Intend to Interview Tim Wallach"

Unnamed byline, Boston Globe, Oct. 11, 2012: "Brad Ausmus to Interview for Red Sox Manager Job"

So what happened to Farrell? And why is the Globe's main sports columnist getting scooped left and right?

Piling On

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will write one or two columns every year that will generate nationwide criticism and ridicule. Yesterday's soapbox faux tantrum was one of those columns.

Greg Boysen, Second City Hockey:

Yesterday Boston blow hole Dan Shaughnessy stayed awake long enough throw all bloggers into a large group and rip us to shreds in one big generalized slam. His is article about Kansas City Chiefs fans cheering when Matt Cassel got injured he let loose with this bias comment:

Awful Announcing:

What Dan Shaughnessy has done here is create a hierarchy of people who scare old guard sportswriters that depend on vague generalities, stereotypes, and blanket statements as crutches.

Kirk Minihane, WEEI:

Shaughnessy doesn't hate the Internet, he hates change. He'd give anything for it to be 1986 all over again, a world in which newspapers were king and no one else had a platform to question, a world in which the readers could do nothing but write a letter to the editor as a form of protest or opinion. He can't believe someone can sit in their house or at some Starbucks and basically come to the same conclusion as he does on a topic and have a forum to express that thought. He's been a sports critic, really, in his life as a columnist -- and, when's he focused, a terrific one -- and he can't comprehend that he has to share some of the stage with the commoners. He thinks he knows more than you do about sports because he's sat in a press box for 30 years, because he's talked to players before and after games. I've covered games in press boxes and watched them on TV, and guess what? There's almost no difference. You know just as much as some of them do, and now there's a place to express that. One day some people realized this, and it drives guys like Shaughnessy crazy. It's called insecurity. And, yeah, some bloggers are lousy and petty and out of touch, and some newspaper columnists are great and thoughful and even avoid "Animal House" references at all costs, but that's not really the point.

I don't believe Shaughnessy truly thinks blogging and fantasy football is the reason fans cheered when Cassel went down. He' s too smart for that nonsense to be rooted in reality. That rant probably was written months ago, he was just looking for a reason to squeeze it in somewhere.

Seems these guys know Shank like we do - writing, in part, just to generate controversy.

Mr. Manners

Booing is wrong, and people who do it are bad, bad, bad!

So sayeth the Shank, who in a way reminiscent of Miss Manners, expresses his distaste for the fans' lack of civility and his manlove for a Chief lineman who criticized the crowd for piling on after Matt Cassel was knocked out of the game.

Now, let's get one thing straight: The Chiefs fans weren't actually cheering because Cassel got hurt; they were cheering because he would no longer be in the game, manning a club that has gone 22-31 since his arrival from New England prior to the 2009 season. They had a point: Cassel's QB rating is a pedestrian 81% for his career, a mark he's topped only once in the four seasons he's helmed the Chiefs.

But this is where The CHB's hypocrisy switched into overdrive: "I’ve certainly done my share of tweaking and exposing professional athletes or organizations who don’t give an honest effort to live up to their contracts or fulfill the team-fan accord."

Would that be "tweaking" like when he called David Ortiz a sad sack of you-know-what? Was it tweaking when he called Carl Everett "the Ebola virus of the Boston clubhouse?" Or when he wrote “We have rejoiced in the retirement of Keith Foulke?” Would that be "exposing" when he wrote, "Why does America hate Barry Bonds so much? Is it because he's too good?" all while neglecting to mention Bonds' PED use for another five years. Was that exposing when he accused Manny Ramirez, the previous season's World Series MVP, of quitting on the team during a month where he put up a .930 OPS and 6 HRs in 24 games?

No, that would just be the Holy Cross Hypocrite, doing what he does best.

DHL Dan - XVIII?

Is there any doubt that Shank's next column will be a Brady / Manning column? You know, like this one, or this one, or this one?

The Valentine Era - It's A Wrap!

Shank has a very good column on Bobby Valentine's tenure with the 2012 Boston Red Sox.

Naturally, Shank has to mar one of his better columns in quite some time by taking a shot at owner John Henry:

The one constant was the absence of Henry. The principal owner missed last year’s Francona firing after he suffered a minor injury when he slipped and fell on his yacht. Henry was not present for Thursday’s round-tables.

“The job of dealing with the press, for better or worse, falls with Ben and me,’’ said Lucchino.

And let’s not forget that the big Liverpool-Udinese match from Enfield (sic - should be Anfield - ed.) was unfolding while Lucchino and Cherington explained the firing of Valentine. Victims of a dreaded “own goal,” Liverpool lost, 3-2.

Hope nobody got sacked.

The new Liverpool manager has been there for four whole months; give it time, Shank...

Bobby Valentine Death Watch

As we wait for the ax to be swung, I'll belatedly link to Shank's (hopefully) penultimate post-mortem column on the 2012 Boston Red Sox. You've already read this column about nine hundred times in one form or another this year, so what were you missing?

Speaking of Bobby Valentine, this must be some kind of metaphor:

...
According to the New York Times, the avid bicyclist (Valentine) crashed his ride in New York City earlier in the day, suffering minor hip and knee injuries. The cause of his accident? He was reading a text message.
...
Can’t you just picture it like in the movies? Bobby V is riding furiously through the New York streets, desperately trying to escape from Peter Abraham and Dan Shaughnessy chasing him on speed boats that inexplicably work on the road, knocking over fruit carts and, wouldn’t you know it, two bakers are carrying a meticulously crafted cake across the street right in front of his path for God knows what reason and SPLOOSH, down goes Bobby. He’s alright, so we’re allowed to joke.

What about the cake? Don't leave us hanging...

UPDATE at 1:04 PM - Shitcanned.

Shank's Next Column - II

Maybe Shank won't be too lazy to write about or at least mention old friend Curt Schilling tomorrow:

MEDFIELD, Mass. (WPRI) - Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling has put his 26-acre property outside Boston on the market and is seeking nearly $3.5 million.

The home is being listed by Landmark Residential , which boasts that the “extremely private” property has the amenities for “relaxed family gatherings and sports enthusiasts.”

“Once inside the complex there is a heated pool with waterfall, sports court, beach volley ball court, batting/pitching cage and putting green,” the online description of the property says.

The colonial-style house has 20 rooms, including seven bedrooms, five bathrooms, and three half-bathrooms. It was built in 1997 and has an assessed value of $4.15 million, according to municipal property records.

Who would buy this house? My money's on Rob Gronkowski. Might need to add a vertical brass pole or two...

Just Curious...

Shank has written six columns for the Globe since September 9th. You would be hard pressed to find these columns in one of the two places you would normally look for them. Is this because the Globe's web people are as lazy as Shank; is it because of the URL's to many of the recent columns are no longer starting with www.boston.com and thus not placed on the columnist's 'home pages'; or is it something more sinister, like Shank slowly getting pushed aside, his visibility being purposefully reduced? As Shank speculates on Bobby Valentine's departure, does it make sense to do the same with Our Man Shank, given this recent burying / absence of his columns from their normal places?

With respect to the last column Shank should have written (yesterday's Patriots / Bills wrapup), was the column not written because of the Patriots 52 - 28 win? Shank, devoting three whole paragraphs to the subject, all but explicitly predicted a Patriots losss in the Sunday column. Does it take that long to wipe egg off of one's face?

DHL Dan - XVII

How lazy is a Boston Globe sports columnist when they send you out to Buffalo, supposedly to cover yesterday's Patriors / Bills game, you devote your Sunday column to saying next to nothing about the game, then on the day after the game you explicitly say nothing about the game by not even writing a column about said game?

Did Shank close the Anchor Bar again, either / both nights?

A rhetorical question - do you mail in a column when you don't even bother to write one? This editor says YES!