Guilty Conscience?

Nearly two full days after it happened, Shank gets around to one of the most insincere 'congratulations' columns he's ever written, this one involving the University of Massachusetts - Amherst men's college hockey champions of 2021:

A well-deserved salute to UMass athletics and the recently crowned men’s hockey champs

Congratulations to the University of Massachusetts men’s hockey team, which won the NCAA championship, defeating St. Cloud State, 5-0, Saturday night in the final game of the Frozen Four at PPG Paints Arena in Pittsburgh.

Congrats to coach Greg Carvel, goalie Filip Lindberg, skaters Bobby Trivigno, Anthony Del Gaizo, Zac Jones, Matthew Kessel, Matt Murray, Carson Gicewicz, Jake Gaudet, Oliver Chau, Aaron Bohlinger, Ryan Sullivan, athletic director Ryan Bamford, school president Marty Meehan, chancellor Kumble R. Subbaswamy and all the other players, coaches, trainers, support staff, alums, and fans of UMass hockey.

Hope you're sitting down for this next part:

Before we go any further, let me also apologize to every member of the UMass Amherst community who feels you guys never get enough coverage or credit. Through the years, hundreds of friends and correspondents from UMass have made it clear they regularly feel disrespected by the Boston sports media, particularly the Globe. We (I) have routinely mocked them as Hooterville, embarrassingly beholden to the corrupt regime of John Calipari, and in 2021 obtusely tolerant of a foolish foray into big-time college football.

Not today.

Today we toast all that is good about UMass sports. We salute UMass’s national champions, skaters who are part of a program that won a Division 2 championship in 1972, was disbanded in 1979, and did not resurface until the Mullins Center opened in 1993. Until this weekend, goalie Jonathan Quick was UMass’s greatest contribution to the sport.

What a fucking gutless weasel. Shank has indeed spent many a column over a great length of time trashing John Calipari (and by extension the University) and he attempts to absolve himself with the use of a single letter (I).It's entirely possible Shank has done the majority or all of the 'disrespecting' of that university in his newspaper. For that, I'd need to a) give a shit about other Globies and b) waste time reading them to know for sure.

My final point - you and I know that at some point down the road, say when Calipari steps in some dog crap again, he'll go right back to 'disrespecting' the school. It's tough to teach an old dog new tricks.

UPDATE at 6:05 PM - Opening sentence was clunky, threw in some words to make it clearer.

Throwing In The Towel

Shank doesn't think college sports should be played this year:

Colleges should follow the Ivy League, again, and shut down sports this year

Laugh at the Ivy League all you want, you tailgate-lovin', rib-eatin', under-the-table payin', FBS-series-playin’ college football towns across America. You’ve got All-Americans, spring games that draw 100,000 fans, and a legitimate shot at a national championship. You know who you are. We’re talking to you, Big Ten, SEC, Big 12, ACC, and Pac-12.

But never forget that the Ivy League is where today’s big-time college football started. And take these next couple of days to ask yourself if you really want your young men congregating and sweating and tackling one another with hopes of starting a college football season around Labor Day.

It’s over for this year, people. The Ivy League just told you so. Listen to them. And give it up for this year.

The Ivy League announced Wednesday that there will be no varsity sports this fall. The league will perhaps attempt to play its football season next spring. No sooner.

I'm for this - colleges overall are churning out way too many idjits nowadays and this will result in a price mechanism fix in the other direction. Who wants to go to college under current conditions? The sports ban will only make it worse.

Boston Globe Death Watch - VIII

Stuff like this is why Boston Red Sox owner (and for now owner of what's left of the Boston Globe 'newspaper') John Henry is so well liked around these parts:

John Henry's Baseball Team Cuts Employees' Pay by 20-30% and His Newspaper Tries to Keep That on the Down Low https://t.co/mjjdoAT3Zh

— Jerry Thornton (@jerrythornton1) June 1, 2020

Well, it's because they have to. That'll change once some of these shitheads get axed and are thus then free to dish on the guy, which will be amusing as all get out.

Spoken Like A True Misanthrope

Shank attempts to find a positive side to the reopening of professional sporting events, sans fans:

If professional sports resume in July, August, or September, it’s going to unfold without fans in the stands.

We don’t know if promoters will try cardboard cutouts, crash-test dummies, carpool-lane mannequins, or blowup dolls to populate the seats. And we don’t know about simulated crowd noise. Teams and leagues might go the Indianapolis Colts route and pump in artificial crowd noise.

This could give Miami Sound Machine a whole new meaning (date yourself much? - ed). Maybe teams will play Kenny G and “Jock Jams.” The summer and fall of 2020 could be a good time for Queen with lots of “We Are The Champions,” “We Will Rock You,” and "Another One Bites The Dust.''

If I want to hear that shit for the four millionth time, I'll just go tune into WZLX where, like Led Zeppelin, Tom Petty and Pink Floyd, it's played once every single fucking hour. Come to think of it, I can also tune in WBOS and hear the same stuff, or WROR, and now add a fourth Boston area radio station to the 'classic rock' genre, WODS.

I know what I’m rooting for: the sounds of silence. And I don’t mean Simon and Garfunkel’s epic hit.

What's a column by Shank without a song reference from the 1960's?

Let’s have some peace and quiet. Do not disturb. Fenway Park could become like the reading room at the Boston Public Library.

I couldn't disagree more with this sentiment. I tried watching some Bundesliga soccer last week (also without fans), which lasted about ninety seconds. It's simply not the same without fan interaction; it's lifeless and sterile. I also think professional sports runs the risk of losing decent sized chunks of its fan base on a permanent basis. For myself, I refuse to watch any of this substandard 'product' when it comes back - no NBA, no NHL, no MLB. I'll probably make an exception for NASCAR and Formula One and even then, this will be in the back of my mind, and I believe it will be in most people's minds as well. Time will tell if Shank changes his mind on this one once he starts watching this crap.

Oh - and of course he takes another shot at Robert Kraft. This guy, in the words of Curt Schilling, really is one of the most bitter humans on the planet. As befits miserable people, Shank devotes the rest of the column to focus exclusively on poor / negative fan behavior, which is why it needs to return as soon as possible.

Classic Media Overreaction, Part Deux

Shank continues to peddle the notion that health related clubhouse restrictions are impeding his ability to do his job, among other notions:

Trying to keep you informed — while keeping our distance — at Red Sox camp

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Nomar Garciaparra was ahead of his time. Come to think of it, maybe David Price can come back to the Red Sox now.

Monday morning was Day One of having no reporters in the clubhouse at spring training. It was the same at every NBA, NHL, and MLS locker room in North America. The coronavirus has temporarily (perhaps) created an atmosphere that players crave. Can’t say that I blame them. Who would want all those prying eyes when you are at your workplace?

Let the record show that I was one of the last reporters to darken the doorstep of the Red Sox clubhouse at JetBlue Park before the ban was announced Monday night.

I bolded that word above for a few reasons. One of them is my omission from yesterday's post that this thought of a permanent clubhouse ban is bollocks. He started out his last column in the same way before he more or less backtracked and by the end said he hoped it wouldn't be for long. It's part of his routine, basically...

It was an uneventful experience, but I’ll tell you about it anyway since I may be the last Globie ever to work the Red Sox room at JetBlue.

It all starts to fall apart when the next chunk of the column talks about Shank's interactions with Red Sox players and personnel, some of whom had to split to catch a bus for last night's game against the Braves, and there were four of them. Maybe this number should be at six to eight because now all the Red Sox players can use this excuse to avoid Shaughnessy. Excellent!

Further - what the new rule(s) actually are:

A few hours after my last loop in the locker room, the Red Sox PR staff sent out a media advisory regarding Tuesday access, stating, “The media relations staff will bring players and coaches out to the media bench between 9:15-10:15 a.m.” The memo advised reporters to request players in advance, and stated, “A minimum distance of 6 feet needs to be kept between the player/coach speaking to reporters.” (I think the Shaughnessy Rule is 10 feet.)

My 'Shaughnessy Rule' is 10 miles - what's yours?

Reporters who requested interviews dutifully gathered by the outdoor interview bench at 9:15 Tuesday morning. They waited for just under two hours. In that time, the only players produced were Barnes and Brandon Workman, at the request of the Associated Press.

Even though this particular one was short on player availability, this would be called at worst 'limited access', correct? Shaughnessy, contrary to the last column's conclusion, clearly thinks otherwise:

Welcome to Nomar Nirvana. More fists. More elbows. No handshakes. No high-fives. No spitting.

And no reporters in the clubhouse.

Except for the ones six feet from the podium! His 'concerns' are exaggerated and overblown, like that of the rest of his media brethren on this subject.

There's No Promotion Like Self-Promotion

Shank punted on tweets during the Super Bowl and instead reminded everyone he won an award a few years ago:

Proud to be part of a Globe team with four bb writers who were honored with Spink Award In Cooperstown pic.twitter.com/PwWb49MBaT

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 2, 2020

I'd Rather Look Away

Remember that awful column from a few weeks ago (which one? - ed) where Shank was trying to be funny and clever? He's at it again:

There are two ways to look at the Patriots right now

The Patriot Hater and the Defender of the Wall have been friends for many, many years. They shared an apartment in Brighton after college, relying on the 57 bus, which roared through Oak Square each morning. They went on to enjoy careers in new cities after the turn of the century, but never stopped talking on the phone, and these last two decades have been filled with lively debate about the dominant and ever-controversial New England Patriots.

The Hater grew up far from New England and never liked the Patriots, but only in the new millennium did his true hatred emerge. He’s wildly jealous. He thinks the Patriots are arrogant cheaters. He keeps a framed photo of Ted Wells in his home office. And after 20 years of watching confetti rain on the heads of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, the Hater finally thinks his time has come.

Sounds like an autobiography!

The rest of the 'column' goes on about a mythical Patriots hater arguing with a mythical Patriots fan. It's unfunny schtick that's now overused to boot. Steer clear of it.

Adding Insult To Injury

To paraphrase Peter in Office Space, 'I wouldn't say I missed this column...'

It looks like Shank wrote something a few days ago speculating on the New England Patriots run in the upcoming playoffs. My first thought was 'great - it'll give him a chance to rewrite some columns from previous playoff runs'. It's actually worse then that:

In all likelihood, get ready for a Patriots-Chiefs rematch in the playoffs

Things could still change, of course. Technically speaking, the Patriots could lose to the Tank-Palooza Miami Dolphins at home next weekend. Lamar Jackson could get hurt if John Harbaugh allows the MVP to play against the Steelers in Week 17. And the Chiefs could lose a wild-card weekend home game against the Steelers or the Titans.

But probably not. In all likelihood, we now know what it’s going to take for the Patriots to get where they want to go.

In all likelihood, the Patriots will get their coveted, hard-earned, first-round bye. Then they’ll have to beat the Chiefs at home, and the Ravens on the road to get to Super Bowl LIV in Miami Gardens, just 73 miles south of Orchids of Asia.

What a classless son of a bitch. For what it's worth, I read the first 50 or so comments on the article, and he was uniformly trashed for saying it, and generally being a douchebag has-been who should retire. On the bright side, this will lead to a few more cancellations of Boston Globe subscriptions.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Backfire

Presented without comment:

Globe way: Sexually harass interns. Then pretend you didn’t. Protect sexual predators. Then pretend you didn’t. Make deals with Bob Murchison. Then pretend you didn’t. https://t.co/2npFU3dQDj

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) October 21, 2019

DHL Dan XC - Painfully Uninformed

...and that might be a big understatement:

Why we can’t tell how good the Patriots are, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while watching the gluten-free, Red Sox-free baseball playoffs . . .

■ It is impossible to tell how good the Patriots are because of the historically bad level of the teams they have played. Truly unbelievable. The aggregate record of the Patriots’ five opponents thus far is 5-18. There are only four winless teams in the NFL, and the Patriots have played three of them in the first five weeks.

Patriots fans, ever-sensitive and protective of The Wall, don’t like the Tomato Can narrative, but it has never been more applicable. In five weeks, the Patriots have faced the wretched of the wretched. Terrible coaches and quarterbacks. Every week.

Actually, there are a number of indicators, the first one being the Patriots are the only 5 - 0 team in the NFL. The Patriots have scored 155 points so far this season, second only to the Ravens with 161. Conversely, the Patriots have allowed a total of 34 points this season. The next two closest teams to that mark are the 49ers (3 games played, 54 points allowed) with the Buffalo Bills next (4 games, 70 points) and the lowest total for a five-game team are the Titans at 76. I'd say that's sufficient to answer Shank's question - they're the best team in the NFL as it stands now but somehow that doesn't seem to register at all with him. As a wise man once said, 'you are what your record says you are'.

Secondly, I'll say this - I don't believe Shank has watched much of the Patriots this year. My observation over the years about Shank's engagement with the Patriots can be determined by two things - game day tweets and columns about Patriots games. To this point in the year he's only done game day tweets last week (Pats at Bills) and he's written no columns about a Patriots game this year. Way to shed that label of being lazy prick!

The rest of the Picked-Up Pieces column shows a heavy interest in baseball and the Red Sox and the usual odd tidbits here and there.

And now for the piece de resistance - if you still have doubts about Shank being an asshole, I can remove that doubt with one sentence:

■ November’s Vanity Fair has an excellent lengthy feature on Bob Kraft’s visits to Orchids of Asia before last year’s AFC Championship game.

Like I said - what possible motive would Shank have to write that sentence other than to stab Bob Kraft yet again in print? What are the odds of the Boston Globe or Shaughnessy mentioning this effete snob magazine's 'excellent lengthy feature' at least a few more times over the next couple of weeks?

Oh - almost forgot one:

■ Brad Stevens knows we all want Tacko Fall to be the 12th man on the Celtics roster. “Everybody wants Tacko,’’ said the coach. “My kids are the same way.” Tacko has to be better than Greg Kite, right?

Who wants to tell Shank that current NBA rosters now have fifteen players and have been for quite some time?

Simply Unbelievable

(another in an occasional departure from Shank bashing)

There I was a little while ago, sitting around and watching old Star Trek reruns on BBC America, happy as a clam, when a commercial came on and I flipped the channels. For some reason I turned it to 'The "Best" of Felger and Mazz' and tuned in to a segment when Felger and (who I'm pretty sure was) Adam Jones, subbing on for the nearly equally loathsome Tony Massarotti (more on that in a minute). What a fucking monumental mistake that was.

Supposed tennis expert Michael Felger was talking about yesterday's men's Wimbeldon final between Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer, in what was instantly billed as an all-time classic match. Unfortunately, I didn't watch much of that match since it interfered with my Tour de France watching, but I don't believe for a millisecond that Felger watched any of it himself. Instead of doing what you might expect of a decent and normal person and giving Djokovic credit for an epic win, Felger instead trashed Federer and said 'he choked, CHOKED it away!' 'He hit that last ball off the side of his racket and it went way into the second stands!' or some such garbage. As the ensuing 'discussion' went on, the co-host corrected Felger on a number of points about the match, leaving this cat with the unmistakable impression that the only thing Felger watched was the last five minutes of the match, and to no one's surprise, focused entirely on the losing side and that massive choke artist Roger Federer, holder of 20 Grand Slam major titles in his career, better than any other men's tennis player.

For whatever reason, Felger needs to demonstrate a pathological need to point out any and all perceived shortcomings, real or imagined, in order to diminish the loser of a game or match in order to make some emotional, overcharged and hyperbolic point. After many years of watching / listening to this asshole, it is now clear he is wholly incapable of mentioning the good / right / correct things the winner did to win the game or match. It is a compulsive need to be an asshole, or does it help 98.5 FM's ratings during afternoon drive time to be an asshole? The world may never know.

And don't get me started about another asshole - ESPN's Tom Rinaldi, perhaps the worst combination of insincerity, fake praise, phony ass-kissing and general douchebag qualities ever assembled into the most useless of sports coverage, the sideline 'reporter'. I killed the feed just before Rinaldi finished his first sentence of fake praise at Novak, and I don't believe Novak was entirely thrilled with that interview himself.

On to Massarotti - a few weeks ago, they were talking about golf and mentioned three time major winner Brooks Koepka. Being the professional asshole he is, he outright dismissed two of his U.S. Open wins for no apparent reason whatsoever. I realize that this can be considered cherrypicking, but Mazz gave me no reason to consider his blithe dismissal of those accomplishments, nor did Felger acknowledge Djokovic's win in any respect.

Besides the Felger-infused rant here, the larger point is this - Bruce Allen was completely right about six years ago. While this particular bit of fake sports outrage from Felger set me off tonight for a reason, it's because the fake outrage is not reasoned. There is no pretense of reason with someone claiming in an unconvincing fashion that a 20 time Grand Slam winner 'choked, CHOKED!' away a Wimbledon final win. Did it ever occur to Michael Felger that that last shot of Federer's he loved to trash was... simply mishit, or missed?

Unfortunately, Bruce left the counter-criticism business a few years ago, in disgust. I now feel that disgust more than ever. However, I with my co-blogger Mike will soldier on, because the unrelenting 200% negative crap from the likes of Felger, Shaughnessy, et. al. needs to be continually countered and critiqued

Fake News?

What the hell is this?

Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy is the 2018 Massachusetts Sportswriter of the Year https://t.co/6qtH6H6vpM

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) January 15, 2019

Having It Both Ways - II

No comment necessary...

Total fraud. From "Dynasty Dead" to "Guaranteed Super Bowl" in two weeks. After two AFC East wins. pic.twitter.com/vQccTN1Scu

— Bruce Allen (@bruceallen) January 1, 2019

Give It A Rest Already

Shank's strange obsession with Richard Berman continues, for some damned reason.

Walt Coleman in the House for Pats-Jets today. I'm guessing this means all challenges will be reviewed by Judge Richard Berman.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/e1SQJJDw9p

— Scott Kaplan (@WxManScott) December 30, 2018

Shank Still Hates Numbers, A Continuing Series

Presented without comment:

Bracing for the next round of Patriots Media Cartel telling us how -- upon further review -- the AFC East actually doesn't suck.
It does.
Pats are only team never challenged in own division for almost every year of 18 years. No shame in admitting that. Not that difficult.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 26, 2018

While that may be true, they have been equally dominant inside and outside their division. Not many choose to acknowledge that. pic.twitter.com/T7q4veQ9uZ

— Cjmullysr(@mullinsnova) December 26, 2018

pic.twitter.com/keqGAeLo23

— RP III (@_BobbyPerry) December 26, 2018

Interesting Word Choice

Whenever I hear the word “decorum” the first thing I think of is Donald Trump.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) November 16, 2018

An interesting comment, coming from a columnist who 'Once ripped on a mentally-disabled ballplayer (Jeff Stone) for his lack of intelligence', referred to Carl Everett as 'the Ebola virus of the Red Sox clubhouse', called Jose Offerman 'a piece of junk', and called David Ortiz 'a sad sack of you-know-what'. This is breathtaking hypocrisy on Shank's part.

Does This Guy Complain About Everything?

I'm gonna go with 'yes':

Disgrace that Ramirez flyball ruled a double. What does it take to get an error these days??

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 22, 2018

Douchebag Gameday Tweets - II

Can the Texans fire O'Brien at halftime?
Totally pantsed.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

Douchebag Gameday Tweets

Tony Romo just told us that Brady did the smart thing by skipping OTAs.
And so it begins.
Wonder when CBS cuts to the first fawning, well-lit shot of "Robert"?
Has Les Moonves lost high chair privileges for this year?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

Pats lose toss. Forced to take ball.
Texans paying attention.
Won't matter.

See you at AFC Championship in January

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

Texans hand Patriots the ball on first play.
Napoleon: Never interrupt your opponent when he is making a mistake.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

Shank's Back On The Warpath - II

Today we have another column in a continuing series of Shank rewriting column themes in order to criticize the New England Patriots in every conceivable fashion possible.

All of it is very real.

And none of it means anything.

Things really are frosty at the top of the Patriot pyramid. We are not making this up. We have the sound bites from Tom vs. Time, and Tom with Oprah, and Tom with Jim Gray, and Tom abruptly ending interviews when he gets asked about Alex Guerrero.

Bill Belichick is still angry about having to trade Jimmy Garoppolo (he did not deny that he texted Jimmy G after every 49ers win last year). Bill isn’t happy that he is forced to tolerate Guerrero in the locker room and on the team plane. Bill is never going to tell us why he ordered the Code Red, and he will mock any reporter who pins their hopes to a phone bill or objections from disgruntled ex-Patriots.

But that's not my main point of contention with this column. Rather, it's the continued assertion of Shank's (and local radio people) that the AFC East is a horrible, terrible, awful division chock full of patsies and 'tomato cans':

In dramatic lore, they were known as Famine, Pestilence, and Destruction. These are only aliases. Their real names are the New York Jets, the Buffalo Bills, and the Miami Dolphins — New England’s ever-wretched competition in the AFC East.

What has been true in 15 of 17 seasons since 2001 (since Brady became Belichick’s starting quarterback) is true today. The New England Patriots, with all their flaws, simply cannot lose their loser division. For the millionth consecutive season, the Jets, Bills, and Dolphins are reinventing themselves with kid quarterbacks and doofus coaches.

Funny you mention doofuses, Shank! This column theme is used every single year and, like this column, Shank does not offer up any statistics to back up this assertion. This 'tomato can' division theme of his is completely unsupported by any meaningful examination of team and division records over any peroid of time, and Shank (to the best of my recollection) has never done this in the past ten years. This blog keeps pointing out the outright lie this is each and every single fucking time this lazy son of a bitch brings it up, yet it never stops. Nor will our rebuttals.