Recycling, By Dan Shaughnessy?

I fully expect a column by Shank before the Patriots (-3) travel to Denver to play the Broncos for one of the late afternoon games. What are the chances of Shank devoting at least two paragraphs to the Brady / Manning rivalry, even though it ended last year? I was hoping he was going to do that for last year's AFC Championship game, and I wound up throwing away a monster post I had going at the time that would have chronicled Shank's reliance on this crutch every time those two quarterbacks faced off. I believe he used the Brady / Manning theme about half the time.

We'll see soon enough.

To the End, He Won't 'Manning' Up

Consider: A high-priced, aging athlete ...

1. Consistently chokes in the biggest games of his career
2. Racks up major stats in garbage time
3. Is sued not once, but twice for sexual harassment -- and pays out both times
4. Receives banned performance-enhancing substances at his house in his wife's name

No, I'm not talking about Roger Clemens, aka "The Texas Con Man." Rather, it's Peyton Manning, whom one Dan Shaughnessy cannot quite understand why Boston fans are less than enamored with.


Consider: The CHB loves to ridicule players who fail at the least opportune time, and rarely misses a chance to remind fans of it, even years later.

Consider: The CHB mocks teams that do well when the pressure is "off."

Consider: The CHB disparages athletes accused of crimes against the fairer sex.

Consider: The CHB to this day insinuates that David Ortiz took PEDs, and refuses to bestow Hall of Fame votes for other players whom he thinks must have been users.

So why does The CHB not get why Boston doesn't think much of the hyper-inflated reputation that is Peyton Manning? And why, on the day of his retirement and in the midst of blowing one last wet kiss Manning's way, would The CHB take the opportunity to trash the Patriots and their fans?

Because when you have no facility for insight, and no ability for communicating, this is the best you can do.

Shank Memory

Now that Cam Newton crapped the bed in Super Bowl 50, then ducked out of the press conference after, Hanley Ramirez is suddenly become a good guy.

Confused? If so, you're not alone, since The CHB has apparently lost his last marble trying to connect the wayward Boston outfielder to the NFL MVP. (Think it's because they are both black? Nah!!!)

Regarding Ramirez, The CHB today says "The Red Sox have had bigger busts."

Have they? On a WAR basis, Hanley was worth -1.3 wins, which was about half-a-game worse than Pablo Sandoval. So for 2015 at least, he was.

Just looking at recent history, Edgar Renteria, he of the million or so E-6s in 2005, was actually 1.4 games above replacement, and was easily jettisoned in the off-season. Julio Lugo put up an aggregate half-win over the course of 266 games in 3 seasons, all for the cost of $36 million. Matt Young completely shit the bed in 1991 but eked out a positive WAR.

In 2011, Mike Cameron was -1.0 in just 38 games. He sustained a major head injury in 2005 and it's unclear whether the effects still lingered six years later. On a per game basis, he was actually worse than Hanley. For the price, however, it's hard to say any player has been worse, at least in Year 1.

This strikes me as more about Shank being contrarian than him really thinking -- let alone believing -- what he writes to be true. Nothing new there.

The CHB only writes a couple of more lines to prove my thesis: "Folks around here pile on LeBron James and Peyton Manning. Neither ever embarrassed himself in a big game like Newton."

Hahaha. Really? What about the AFC Championship in 2004, when Manning threw 4 INTs in a 24-14 loss to the Patriots? Heck, just a week ago he passed for all of 141 yards, no TDs, 1 pick and a rating of 56.6 in Super Bowl 50. That's the 46th worst performance among the 50 winning Super Bowl QBs. Pathetic.

Manning actually posted perhaps the all-time worst QB game score in history in a division matchup against the Chiefs this year: 20 attempts, 5 completions, 3 INTs. Studly.

Let's not even mention the two suits he has lost (to date) -- and sorry, but when the accused party pays out hundreds of thousands of dollars, that's a loss -- for harassing and possibly assaulting a female trainer at UT. Oops!

The CHB's Peyton love is starting to remind me of his similar feting of Barry Bonds. Let's keep in mind how that one turned out, shall we?

Finally, it's clear no one remembers how LeBron did against the Mavericks in his first NBA Finals. No one, except me, I suppose. After averaging 26.7 ppg in the regular season, which was second in the league, and leading the NBA in field goals, he dropped to 17.8 in the finals that year, good for third on the team. Moreover, he scored all of 8 (not a typo) points in the crucial Game 4, an 86-83 Mavs win to tie the series 2-2. The Mavs swept the final two games for the NBA crown.

Nice memories there, Shank. Maybe it's time to ask Cameron for his neurologist's phone number.

Manning Up

Today The CHB plumbs the depths of the Patriots loss to the Broncos, looking for meaning in what, at the end of the day, was simply a close loss to a team that didn't make any real mistakes.

Oh, sure, he finds lots of stories, much in the way that a rat combing through the sewage finds lots of garbage.

Through all the false story lines, where it gets really obnoxious is his flaccid attempt to elevate Broncos QB Peyon Manning. He writes: "Guess we can all stop mocking the Manning family now. Brady has now lost five consecutive playoff games to the Manning Bros." Well, two of those were to Peyton's brother, and no one around New England mocks Eli Manning anyway. So much for that straw man.

He's been making this strange case for years, for no apparent reason other than to be an ass. Remeber when he wrote:

Peyton Manning is better than Tom Brady. ... Sorry, folks. Sometimes the truth hurts. And the truth is that outside New England, this argument is over. Everywhere else in the continental United States. The proverbial ship has sailed and its name is the SS Peyton.

That was in February 2010, after which time Brady broke Dan Marino's single-season passing yardage record, threw six TDs in a single playoff game (tying another record), became the first quarterback to lead his team to 13 division titles, set a record for playoff appearances by a quarterback, broke Joe Montana's record for career playoff touchdowns. In the five seasons since Shank wrote that, Brady has passed for more than 23,000 yards and 167 touchdowns. Manning meanwhile, has thrown for 17,000 yards and 140 TDs. Oh yeah, Manning's also thrown six more picks over that same time. Find the NFL coach who would take Manning for Brady, straight up. No exists.

What CHB doesn't want is excuses. "You don’t deserve to win when you rush for 44 yards and convert 2 of 15 third downs," he writes. "It would be nice if we don’t hear any moaning about injuries. This is football, people. Attrition is part of every season. Ultimately, the Patriots had most of their weapons for the biggest game of the season."

Oddly, here's what he wrote about one Peyton Manning in late 2010 after Mr. HGH threw three picks, including one to seal yet another Colts loss to the Pats:

Peyton Manning's going to be exhausted by the time he gets to the end of this season, that's for sure. It's can't be easy carrying the Indianapolis Colts all by himself. He has no running game. He doesn't have a lot of healthy, experienced receivers. He's got guys dropping passes and running the wrong way. And still he almost beat the Patriots in New England on Sunday.

So no excuses, unless it's The CHB making them? Check.

There's literally nothing of value here. Why did the Pats decide to take the ball when they won the coin flip? Shank asks the question but doesn't know the answer. Guess the bravest columnist Joe Sullivan ever met^TM didn't quite have the guts to pose that one.

Throw in an ancient Celtics-Lakers reference which will hold meaning only to octogenarians and you have The CHB's AFC Championship game wrap.

Paging Rodney Dangerfield

Subtitle - Shank's starting the trolling early this week:

Peyton Manning’s résumé says he should be getting a little more respect around here as we prepare for the AFC Championship Joust and the 17th playing of the 18-12 Overture.

He gets none.

Manning should be Jeter.

Instead, he is A-Rod.

Patriot fans have already moved past Manning and the Denver Broncos (is that what the callers were saying on 98.5 the past few days? - ed.). It’s all about plane reservations to San Francisco (remember little Tommy Brady cheering for Joe Montana back in the day?) and what do you think of the Patriots’ chances against the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50? Even the wiseguys in Vegas have established the road-tripping Patriots as favorites. All the smart money is on New England.

Or maybe he's just being contrarian!

The Patriots themselves aren’t silly enough to do this. Folks in Foxborough know they still have to Do Their Job, and that is what the Patriots are preparing to do.

But has any superstar ever generated less fear and respect than Manning in New England in 2016 as the Patriots and Broncos prepare for a conference championship?

Have you found a single Patriot fan who is worried about this game? Just one?

Right here, douchebag! Naturally, Shank needs to resort to hyperbole or oversell his argument to make this contrarian point.

Wait - do I see a rational point or two in this column?

Now all the confidence and mockery of the opposition is back. No one seems to be the least bit concerned that Brady has never won a playoff game in Denver (0-2), or that he is 2-6 lifetime in the Mile High City.

Well, that didn't last long - Shank then goes and contradicts the premise of the column and piles on Peyton. And what Shank article is complete without a bunch of non-football references?

So now this once-great Bill Russell-Wilt Chamberlain duel is viewed here in New England as an homage to Brady as Greatest Of All Time (GOAT), while Manning is pitied and mocked as if he’s Brian Hoyer or Brandon Weeden.

Poor Peyton. Nine touchdown passes, 17 interceptions this season. Smart guys are calling for Denver coach Gary Kubiak to go with Brock Osweiler. Manning can’t break a pane of glass with his jelly arm. We clock the hang time of his passes. He’s throwing better knucklers than R.A. Dickey.

Manning is a 39-year-old Tiger Woods, stripped of dignity and health, unable to make the cut. He is Pedro Martinez, struggling to make his final start with the Phillies in the 2009 World Series. He is a damaged Muhammad Ali enduring a beating from Larry Holmes in Vegas in 1980. He is 41-year-old Bob Cousy making a seven-game comeback with the Cincinnati Royals in 1969.

Throw in Brady's 11-5 record head to head against Peyton, and there are your counterarguments.

Bonus Shankism!

The Sons of Archie were not raised to be game managers. They grew up as gunslingers.

And the near-finsh:

Despite those somewhat respectable numbers, Manning is universally mocked in New England. Maybe it’s his propensity for choking in the postseason. Maybe it’s the sing-song insurance ads. Maybe it’s the way the HGH story rolled off his back while Deflategate stuck to Brady like a freshwater leech.

I wonder how that perception ever came to be?

UPDATE, 1/20/16, 2:20 PM - Link to original story added; my apologies.

We're On To Denver

...and based on Denver's win over Pittsburgh an hour or so ago, what are the odds of Shank churning out a highly innovative and original Brady / Manning column / hatchet job in the next six days? All he needs to do is throw in two or three original paragraphs, copy and paste a good portion of columns he's already written on this rivalry, and call it a day!

Time permitting, loyal readers, I'll do my best to identify each of Shank's previous column efforts on all of the sixteen prior Brady / Manning matchups, just to illustrate the extent of Shank's use of CTRL-C and CTRL-V.

Door Number Two Taken

Let the record state that the vast majority of this Brady / Manning column are repeated themes, and then some, from the six columns mentioned & linked to one post below, or seven columns if you include the substantially duplicate column for SI on November 22, 2010.

Boxer Jake LaMotta, now 93, likes to tell folks, “I fought Sugar Ray Robinson so many times, it’s a wonder I don’t have diabetes.’’

Sunday afternoon in Foxborough we’ll throw the curtain back for Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady — the NFL’s “1812 Overture” — for the 16th time since Brady became New England’s starting quarterback in 2001.

It’s a wonder Brady doesn’t wake up at night shouting “Omaha!’’ Maybe Manning will arrive at Gillette Stadium wearing UGG boots.

These three paragraphs appear to be the only original ones in the entire column, except for that cutesy '1812 Overture' phrase that he lifted from someone else, natch. And he has the nerve to go around calling other people frauds?

At least he's not stupid enough to outright copy & paste half the column, is he?

I Figure The Odds Be Fifty-Fifty

Don't you think Shank owes his massive and long-standing readership base a hot take on tomorrow's Patriots / Broncos game? Will he serve up a bland team matchup / revenge factor column?

Or - will he think outside of the box and compare & contrast the two Hall of Fame quarterbacks like he did with this column, or this column, or this column (which, in an amazing coincidence, has enough common elements with this column he did for si.com the very next day that SI finally got rid of him for serial column reuse & abuse), or this column, or this column, or this column? Time will tell!

Dan, Dan, the Stats Can

The CHB mocks Peyton Manning and dances on the still-warm bodies of the Denver Broncos, and today's hit job offers a little something for everyone, whether they were at the game or not.

• Patriots fans are "yahoos."
• Roger Goodell is "lucky."
• Chris Christie blocks traffic. 
• And the AFC is the alternately the "Powder Puff Conference" and the "Tomato Can Conference." 

Let's focus on this last insult, shall we, since it's been a favorite Shank refrain all season.

In fact, the NFC "manhandled" (sarcasm intended) the AFC during the regular season, beating them in head-to-head games by an "overwhelming" (more sarcasm) 34-30 mark.

Oddly, in fact, only one NFC division -- the NFC West -- had a winning record against the AFC. Meanwhile, three AFC teams -- the Raiders, Texans and Jaguars -- each went 0-4 against their NFC counterparts. In short, the AFC's three weakest sisters were the difference.

Two AFC teams went undefeated against the NFC, and vice versa. And of the 12 teams that lost one or fewer non-conference games, it was split evenly at six AFC and six NFC.

So much for tomato cans.

It would have been relevant, if wholly out of character, had Shank mentioned the Broncos offensive line, which apparently was stuck in traffic and never made it to the game. But that would require 1) some football knowledge and awareness and 2) him to write his column without the benefit of five or eight hours of crushing beers in the "Seinfeldesque" press box. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Brady / Manning Hype, Two Weeks Early

Shank's utterly predictable column on the 'dream' matchup for the AFC Championship game.

Go ahead. Amuse yourself with the Patriots’ prospects against the Ravens, Colts, or fraud Texans.

Not me. I’m jumping ahead to the main draw. I’m fast-forwarding to the game that destiny demands.

Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning in the AFC Championship game.

Again.

It’s the game you want. It’s the game the NFL has wanted since Manning made “The Decision.’’ And now we are going to get it . . . in three weeks. When assorted Colts, Ravens, Bengals, and fraud Texans have been sent home.

Get set for an avalanche of clichés over the next two weeks.

I believe it's already started...