Shank's Second Victory Lap

Tom Brady's four game suspension for his 'involvement' with DeflateGate was upheld by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, and Shank couldn't be happier about it.

In a 20-page decision that was released at 2:32 p.m. Tuesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell upheld Tom Brady’s four-game Deflategate suspension. In the day’s most shocking revelation, the commissioner revealed that Brady ordered his assistant to destroy his cellphone on the same day (March 6) Brady was interviewed by NFL investigator Ted Wells. Brady did not disclose this development for several months and it was not confirmed until the day of his suspension appeal hearing, June 23.

What do you say now, Patriot fans? Still think the NFL is out to get the Patriots? Still think Tom Brady is clean? Still think this is a witch hunt?

Of course you do. And that is why at a time when you should be embarrassed, you are probably emboldened.

Please. Give up. It’s time for local loyalists to parachute down from Planet Patriot and get in touch with reality. Stop twisting yourselves into knots to justify the petty crimes and coverups of the Patriots and their quarterback.

Shank's Victory Lap

After Boston mayor Marty Walsh nuked the 2024 Boston Summer Olympics, Shank does his end-zone dance, and rightly so.

Mercifully, our short regional nightmare is over.

Kaput. Done. Ov-ah.

The ridiculous notion that we might play host to the 2024 Olympics officially died Monday afternoon when the United States Olympic Committee and Boston 2024 announced they’d mutually agreed to withdraw the Boston bid. Thank goodness. Free at last. This was one of the worst ideas since Bob Kraft told us he was moving the Patriots to Hartford. It was obvious from Day One that Boston 2024 was doomed.

Better sooner than later. Mayor of Boston Marty Walsh cut his losses early Monday when he informed the world that our city was not willing to give the USOC the financial guarantees it would need to present Boston as a bid city for 2024. A few hours later, the death of Boston’s bid was official.

In a rare departure from our masthead, go forth and read this entire column, for a rare moment or two of insight and eloquence from Shank is revealed:

We don’t need this. We never needed this. The Olympics have become the province of autocratic societies. That is not us. We are a free people.
...
The death of Boston 2024 is a victory for the Hub of the Universe. It’s a triumph for rational thought. It’s a statement that we are not stupid.

Faster, Higher, Stronger. That’s the Olympic motto.

Smarter. That’s the Boston motto. Good luck to the host city of the 2024 Games. It’s not our problem anymore.

Sadly, from here he will digress from this statesmanship into petty hatred of the New England Patriots once a) the NFL decision on Tom Brady is handed down and / or b) training camp opens up.

It was nice while it lasted...

What A Difference Three Hours Makes

Shank's tweet on Boston Mayor Marty Walsh, discussing opposition to the Boston bid for the 2024 Olympic Games:

Boston Herald's headline, three hours later:

Boston Bid for Olympics is over after Walsh Speech

I can't wait to hear why Walsh had an apparent and sudden change of heart. Until then, RIP, Boston 2024!

Hall of Shame

The CHB's column on Pedro Martinez's induction today to the Baseball Hall of Fame is sterile in its mindless recitation of Pedro's stats and moronic for calling him, yet again, a diva. Classy.

If there were a Boston Racist Hall of Fame, The CHB would get my vote.

No To Boston 2024

Shank watched last night's debate between the big guns of the pro and con Boston 2024 camps and devotes his latest column to it.

This blog agrees with the No to Boston 2024 side, and Shank continues to take this same stance. Hell has just opened a new gate!

Memorable debates.

There was Lincoln-Douglas. Kennedy-Nixon. Will Ferrell’s “Frank the Tank” vs. James Carville in “Old School.”

And now Steve Pagliuca and Daniel Doctoroff vs. Chris Dempsey and Andrew Zimbalist in the Boston 2024 Olympic debate, which aired Thursday night on Fox 25.

We tuned in hoping for one of those famous debate moments — something like Gerald Ford claiming there was no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe, or Ronald Reagan stating, “I am paying for this microphone.’’ We would have even settled for Pags spanking Dempsey with, “I knew Red Auerbach. Red Auerbach was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Red Auerbach.’’

The best we got was Zimbalist saying, “Most of the numbers I look at reflect drunken optimism.’’

Ouch. That one hurt

Good column by Shank... look - another gate just opened!

The Concept Is Called 'Negotiation'

Not knowing the details of a particular matter has never prevented Shank from throwing out a half-assed opinion about it:

You Mad, Bro?

Shank continues to leverage Twitter as a prime trolling application:

Read today that Red Sox have best farm system in baseball. Again. This is part of their problem. They buy the hype and finish last. Again

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 23, 2015

Satire is Reflexive

Satire is reflexive.

As we have routinely called attention to The CHB's flip-flopping and used quotes from his own columns to mock him when events turned out differently than he predicted -- which is almost always -- The CHB is now borrowing from our technique to take aim at Red Sox management.

Unfortunately, just as John Henry and Co. believe(d) mightily in the team -- and at least said so, and to be honest, what else are they supposed to do? -- so too did The CHB.

• “This isn’t quite Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez, but I’m applauding this. [T]hey’re putting money back into the payroll. I applaud that. Some of these contracts may not look so good four, five years from now when you see what these guys look like, but I won’t care.”
• It’s OK now to applaud the Sox for spending money and trying to make their team better and more interesting in 2015. What we’ve seen this week is more like the Red Sox of the old days — a team that would spend buckets of cash to take other teams’ best players; the Red Sox who were more like the Yankees than they ever wanted to admit. ... [L]et’s welcome the Red Sox back to relevancy."

• "Pablo Sandoval ... is a 28-year-old switch-hitter who can rake. He can turn on the high fastball, something nobody does anymore. ... He can hit when it matters most. He’s also a cat-like defender."

So there's that.

What's weird is how he continually refers to the 2013 World Series championship as a "fluke." So if winning 95 games plus three playoff series is a fluke, then what were the crash of 2012, the World Series losses in 1967, 1975 and 1986, etc. -- anomalies?

Advice: Don't bother reading the column. Shank jumps back and forth so much among topics, you'll be convinced he didn't take his dementia meds before writing it.

Afterthought: What the hell is with Nick Cafardo? He writes for the umpteenth time that the Red Sox have to start their youth movement, then in the same column says none of the AAA players the Sox have are major league caliber. Note to Nick: Stop sharing a row with The CHB. It's rubbing off.

Another Dumb Red Sox Tweet, By Dan Shaughnessy

Yeah, I'm just as shocked as the rest of you:

It's been EIGHT days since Red Sox scored a run. I am guessing this is a major league record for in-season drought other than 9/11.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 20, 2015

Eight days that included the All-Star break (four days) and Sunday's rainout at Anaheim, and throw in the fact that the Sox did score runs on July 12th and July 20th (he tweeted out this beauty before the Sox took the field for their Monday doubleheader), which then can be better described as 'no runs scored in the two games the Red Sox played since July 12.'

Other than that, his tweet was accurate...

Another Slow News Week - DHL Dan XLIV

We should rejoice, as at least he won't be commenting on the Tour de France!

We are 'treated' to an official Picked Up Pieces column, where the usual targets are aimed at - Red Sox, Patriots, David Ortiz, useless trivia, assorted miscellaneous musings, and a new one - Shank's no longer entertained by this year's installment of the Summer of Gronk.

One big problem with this column - I'm aware of cooked numbers when I see them:

If you take away the blessed outlier season of 2013, the Sox are 66 games under .500 since September 2011. Wonder what Bill James and the analytics folks are telling their boss about the hideous pitching staff and failed projections for the 2015 Red Sox? The Sox have to realize that last place has become the norm, not the exception.

Shank keeps feeling the need to bring up this completely misleading 'games under .500' statistic by removing a) the stretch between April 2011 and August 2011 and the entire 2013 season for one reason - to make this team look as bad as he possibly can. With the two links above, we can add the records from April to August 2011 (83 - 52, +31) and the 2013 season (97 - 65, +32) to get to a whopping three fucking games under .500 since the beginning of the 2011 season.

What other important fact is missing from Shank's column? Boston Red Sox - 2013 World Series Champions! That's not worth mentioning when your busy trashing the Old Towne Team.

As always, read this occasionally deceptive columnist with a huge grain of salt.

Possible new subhed for the site - Dan Shaughnessy Watch: It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it!

Slow News Week - DHL Dan XLIII

When we're in the middle of summer and it's baseball's All-Star week, and Shank doesn't feel like writing about that particular game, he'll mail something in instead.

Used a Rolodex lately?

Didn’t think so. For the benefit of young folks, a Rolodex is a plastic wheel loaded with alphabetized cards that store phone numbers of people you may need to contact. Watch “Mad Men.’’ Don Draper’s secretary always flips through her Rolodex after Don asks her to reach a client.

I’m not a Rolodex guy, but I still travel with a black leather “At-A-Glance” address and telephone book that I pull out of my work bag every time I need to call Curt Schilling or Jonathan Kraft. It is at this moment that some wiseguy usually asks me if I’m about to dial Austin Powers or Marty McFly. We know that everybody now stores contact information in their phones. Almost everybody, that is.

I was clutching my beloved address book while sitting in the palatial offices of the Globe sports department recently when one of my bosses trumped me in a big way.

“Wait until you get a load of this,’’ he said, as he pivoted in his chair, reached to a shelf behind where he was sitting, and hoisted a metal cabinet drawer that was stocked with about 500 weathered index cards. “This is the old Globe sports directory,’’ he said. “One of the secretaries gave it to me when she retired and I’ve never been able to throw it away.’’

Trolling 101

This is the level of discourse you can expect from Shank after the American League wins the All-Star game and, as a result, won the home-field advantage in the 2015 World Series.

Naturally, he gets something wrong (4 should be 5):

Wonder which Sox player loses track of how many outs there are today?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 4, 2015

Catching Up

I haven't been able to get to any of Shank's 'work' until now, but then again, you didn't miss much. Shank's as predictable as ever.

On Friday, the Red Sox lost to the Yankees. The next day, Shank buries the Sox:

The Red Sox are Fool’s Gold. The sooner we accept this fact, the easier it will be to tolerate another lost summer.

Friday night was not a good night for the Local Nine.

Fans arrived at Fenway full of hope and vigor. The season was saved; downright revitalized. The “surging” Red Sox were back in the pennant race in the American League East and there was legitimate belief the locals were on the cusp of making a serious midseason run toward respectability and possible contention.

And then it unraveled. In depressing and predictable fashion. Despicable-Him, A-Rod, hit a solo homer in the first and the Sox played ugly defense, Clay Buchholz got hurt (on schedule), and the first-place Yankees beat the Red Sox, 5-1, to keep the Red Sox in the cellar and push the Bostons 6½ games out of first place.

On Saturday, the Sox beat the Yankees, so Shank writes a trivial column instead of his general standard of mail-it-in uselessness, the picked-up pieces column:

Tuesday is the big night and we are breathless with anticipation. It’s the night we learn the identity of every big league baseball team’s “Franchise Four.” The nation is agog.

I love these contrived events and polls. It’s like the Mount Rushmore game. In Boston sports we have settled on Ted Williams, Bill Russell, Tom Brady, and Bobby Orr. And we believe no city can match our guys.

But who would you choose for the Red Sox? Who will it be when the Franchise Four of the 115-year-old Boston Red Sox is unveiled on Fox?

On Sunday, the Sox lost to the Yankees, so Shank rewrites Saturday's column:

The popular narrative holds that after 3½ months and 89 games we still don’t have a handle on these 2015 Red Sox.

Buyers or sellers? Contenders or pretenders? In or out? Up or down? Cardiac Kids or Annoying Millionaires Who Raise Your Blood Pressure?

Stop. I think we know now.

The Sox were spanked by the Yankees again Sunday. David Ortiz was sent home with a respiratory condition, Alex Rodriguez (.333, three homers, 10 RBIs vs. Sox this year) continued his Wrecking Ball Tour de Fenway, and the first-place Bronx Bombers sent the Sox into the All-Star break with an 8-6 loss.

Negative, trivial and repetitive - that's Shank in a nutshell.

Dumb Red Sox Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Carter Capps in MLB since '12. Now that he's pitched vs. Red Sox, we must have investigation on his delivery. Clearly illegal. #weknowbetter

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 9, 2015

If Carter's been doing this hop-step pitching all year, he would have faced a potential total of 84 different umpires, any of whom could have cited this delivery as illegal. A preliminary search does not indicate that any MLB umpire has raised an issue with his delivery, and this column states that MLB has weighed in on the matter and determined that it 'it's legal, more or less'.

If only Shank had done a basic Google search before running his mouth, or had a freaking editor, he wouldn't have had to embarrass himself yet again.

UPDATE AT 4:48 PM - From the second link, the relevant rule on an illegal pitch states, in part - "An illegal pitch when runners are on base is a balk." From the first link, Capps has no balks called against him in 2015. That's just further evidence of Shank's complete lack of research & due diligence with that stupid tweet.

Clutter

A rational person would see this as an opportunity to make some money or donate it to a library (and get a charitable donation deduction in the process). Then there's this guy:

I am overwhelmed by stuff. I’ve been a sports fan for more than a half-century, and a professional sportswriter for 40 years. I look around my home office and see book posters, press passes, boxes of old newspapers, and stacks of media guides from, BC, BU, Harvard, and Holy Cross. I am drowning in a sea of C’s, B’s, Sox, and Pats publications. I am the Hub Hardball History’s episode of “Hoarders.’’

It’s difficult to throw stuff away.

But I’m trying.

The New York Times last week stated that household decluttering has become a national obsession. A book entitled “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’’ has lived on the bestseller list, so I spent a couple of vacation days trying to comply. My neighborhood’s trash/recycling day is Thursday, and I’ve pledged to place overfilled bins and barrels on the curb. This is not easy when you’ve spent more than 40 years covering sports for newspapers.

How to best proceed with this triage of trivia, trinkets, and tradition?

How about the shit I just mentioned, ya freakin' moron?

Independently Insufferable

Last year's stupid and annoying verbal tic from Shank - dozens of tweets and mentions of the Patriots winning the opening coin toss. This year's version of same:

Wonder which Sox player loses track of how many outs there are today?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 4, 2015

Familiar With The Concept

Joy-sucking is the reading of Shank's columns...

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

No criticism too small for Our Man Shank:

Um, rookie outfielder?

Positive Red Sox Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

You know you hate the Red Sox (or you're just a miserable douchebag) when you feel the need to point out...

Flipping for the Sox

The CHB yet once again reminds us that the Red Sox are playing poorly and have no chance this year and is furious that the management won't admit as much.

One would think someone who has written on this topic for as many years as Shank would know by now that 9 games out in June is not a death sentence. Remember '78? That was a 14 game comeback that began in July.

And what's remarkable is that he kind of does(!), as a few grafs down he writes about the Sox going 40-15 following a "particularly animated discussion" between Sox president Larry Lucchino and then manager Terry Francona in the World Series championship year of 2004. So we have a situation where the Sox -- per Shank -- can't win, even though history shows they have.

Here's where Shank really gets stupid: "Some of us are comparing the Hanley-Pablo signings to the Gonzalez-Crawford acquisitions before 2011. You got away from that philosophy, now it feels like you’ve flipped back."

Well, lo and behold, it was none other than The CHB who just last October insisted the "Red Sox can't sign Sandoval fast enough," and was still singing his praises in February called him a player who can "hit when it matters most." Who's the flip-flopper now?

Most absurdly of all, he asks whether the World Series win in 2013 somehow negatively affected the franchise. Are you kidding? Has the bar been set so high that three World Series wins in 10 seasons is now no longer good enough?

And once again The CHB is complaining about the stats guys, never stopping to realize that every team in the major leagues employs an army of statisticians, including favorite sons Giants, who don't make a move without getting the OK from Yesh Goldfarb (seriously, that's his name).

The CHB: Looking more anachronistic by the day.

Stakes Are High, And So Am I

Well, someone had to work in the Ted Nugent reference!

On the scene from New York City, Shank has been writing this here column for some time now.

NEW YORK — In 1987, former US Secretary of Labor Raymond Donovan was tried on charges of fraud and grand larceny. When the former Reagan cabinet member was acquitted by a Bronx County jury after an eight-month trial, Donovan famously asked, “Which office do I go to to get my reputation back?’’

On Tuesday at 9:09 a.m., Tom Brady went to a basement conference room at the NFL’s offices at 345 Park Avenue and testified under oath . . . in an attempt to get his reputation back.

It might take days, weeks, months, or even years for Brady to remove the tarnish from his golden résumé. Or he might never return to the lofty perch. He might instead be remembered as a champion . . . and a cheater.

It’s still hard to believe we are here.

No it's not, you disingenuous bastard - you've been doing everything you can to insure this story remains in the news. Why travel to New York City to cover this hearing if that's not your goal here?

In years to come, there will be considerable debate regarding strategic blunders, arrogance, coverups, lawyering up, and defiance on the part of the New England Patriots. What is in dispute in New York this week are Brady’s reputation and his legacy.

Funny - it looks like there's been plenty of 'considerable debate' already, and it looks like the actual dispute will be centered around the Wells Report, which determined Brady was 'generally aware' of the deflated footballs. The AEI report casts significant doubt about the Wells Report's determination that the balls were underinflated. So, if you go from 'generally aware' to 'not aware' and / or you go from 'underinflated' to 'not (intentionally) deflated', that would present grounds for nullifying the suspension.

I doubt there was much talk about the “science” once the parties got into the basement conference room. PSI and AEI are not the issue now.

Speculation - overruled!

...
The presence of Wells at Tuesday’s session was interesting. Wells has been taking a beating since his 243-page report was released, and the veteran lawyer no doubt was eager to get into a room with Brady and hear some new information. (Prepare for some leaks. According to ESPN, there were 40 people in the room, and that means lots of loose lips.)

So, if Wells has been 'taking a beating, it stands to reason that his report will be subject to further beatings, right? This is what lawyers do, Shank - create and / or establish reasonable doubt (at a reasonable price!).

They Said Galileo Was Wrong, Too

Eminent physicist Albert Einstein Dan Shaughnessy on reports ripping the Wells Report apart:

Burn the heretic!

Tom Brady Watch

The Globe duo of Shank & Ben Volin are covering today's showdown between Roger Goodell and Tom Brady, liveblogging it.

DHL Dan - XLII

If it's the Monday before Tom Brady's showdown with Roger Goodell, it's the perfect time for another installment of Shank's random musings.

The only thing worth noting with this column - his two largest paragraphs are devoted to yet more criticism of the Red Sox and the Patriots, not including certain other paragraphs. Shocking, I know...

Yaz

Former Red Sox great Carl Yastrzemski makes one of his rare trips to Fenway Park, so we get a civil column from Shank.

Folks in the Fenway Park tour group had no way of knowing that there was greatness behind the wheel of the Ford Expedition in the dark underbelly of the ancient ballpark.

How could they possibly have known? They were an assortment of tourists from New Hampshire, Virginia, Texas — even a few from France. They wore Red Sox jerseys, had cameras in their hands, and seemed to be enjoying their discovery walk under the stands behind home plate.

Suddenly, a couple of Fenway security people asked the folks to step aside and make some room in the cramped space. A silver SUV was wedged between a couple of the load-bearing beams in the dark concourse and the vehicle was attempting to back up, pivot, and exit from the bowels of Fenway.

And so the tourists made room and the SUV maneuvered its way out of Fenway Park with precision and ease.

“Pretty good, huh?’’ said the smiling driver, Carl Yastrzemski, as he turned onto Yawkey Way. “I still got it.’’

Sarcasm Noted

The Red Sox win a game, which motivates Shank to write an insincere column of praise for the team.

You don’t see a lot of 4:05 p.m. starting times on weekdays during the school year at major league ballparks.

We had one at Fenway on Tuesday, and it was a day of little miracles.

Start with the final score. The sorry Red Sox beat the Atlanta Braves, 9-4.

That’s right, boys and girls . . . the last-place Red Sox won a baseball game. It was the Sox’ first victory since June 7, snapping a string of seven consecutive painful losses.

Nothing better than a Globe columnist and his condescending, patronizing attitude!

And what's a Red Sox column without a mention of Patriots coach Bill Belichick?

The afternoon started strangely when, while the Sox were arriving at the ballpark, word leaked that the vaunted St. Louis Cardinals are in a heap of trouble with the FBI and MLB because they allegedly hacked the Houston Astros’ database. Inevitable comparisons with the Patriots and Deflategate surfaced immediately, and Twitter trolls had a field day when a photo surfaced of Bill Belichick wearing a Cardinals jersey.

It is well known that Belichick is friendly with former Cardinals manager Tony La Russa and it was impossible to avoid the irony and the oddity of the respective scandals. Clearly one is nothing like the other and it’s totally unfair to infer any linkage, but it was amusing nonetheless.

One column, shots taken at the Red Sox & the Patriots - it's a twofer!

The Bash Brother

The only thing Shank likes doing more than shitting on the New England Patriots is shitting on the Boston Red Sox, complete with a childish Dustin Pedroia insult.

Fenway Park was the place to be Monday afternoon. The moribund Red Sox held yet another team meeting (what’s next? exorcism? human sacrifice?), Dustin Pedroia came out with tiny elbows flying, and manager John Farrell faced a firing squad that was downright Pitinoesque.

After staggering through one of the worst weekends in the long history of the franchise — getting swept by the Blue Jays in spectacular fashion and stretching their losing streak to six games — the last-place Sox arrived at the ballpark in mid-afternoon and immediately held the latest in a string of team meetings. These guys have more meetings than the UN Security Council.

The carnivorous Boston media surrounded Pedroia’s locker when he emerged from the meeting just after 4 p.m., and the de facto captain of the SS John Henry indicated that the fellows had identified their problem and agreed on a solution to make things better.

Certain paragraphs tend to jumpout at the reader:

Pretty true. The great Leigh Montville said it to me in 1982, and I’ve been saying it ever since: When good things happen, we write good things. When bad things happen, we write bad things.

Who's he kidding with that nonsense?

Feel The Excitement!

Looks like they couldn't find anybody else to be the fifth wheel...

UPDATE, at 3:20 PM - Judging from that picture, it looks like Shank's turning into the Gray Jheri Curl...

Another Recycled Column

Shank takes a look at his 'favorite' Red Sox player, David Ortiz, and notices his low levels of production in 2015.

BALTIMORE — It’s almost always like this at the end. Not many baseball players retire at the top of their game. Sandy Koufax walked away at the age of 30 after winning 27 games in 1966, but he’s in a small club. More typically, there’s a gradual diminishment of skills, some reduction of regular appearances, and finally a moment when a guy gets politely nudged into retirement or released.

And so again we wonder if we are seeing the final days of David Ortiz.

Ortiz turns 40 in November. He is hitting .219 with 6 homers and 21 RBIs on June 9. He is batting .114 against lefthanders and has gone 17 games (66 at-bats) without hitting a home run, hitting .169 over those 17 games.

Shank's been writing the 'is it over for Big Papi?' column for at least three years now; eventually he'll be right.

Polar Opposites

Leave it to Shank to watch Eduardo Rodriguez pitch a gem, then have the Red Sox lose the game 1 - 0, write a positive column about Rodriguez, then write a negative tweet about the 1 - 0 result:

A Brief Michael Felger Rant

I was checking out this post at fellow site Boston Media Sports Watch and, on a whim, decided to respond to this snippet with a mini-rant in their comments section. I know this goes against the grain of being a site devoted to the Red Jheri Curl, but it's like this - Shaughnessy, Felger, Borges & Massarotti are the Mount Rushmore of Boston Sports Media Assholes, so I'm using a mulligan here.

I generally like Michael Felger - he's entertaining, funny, very knowledgeable and, yes, a Grade A Asshole (and psychopath, from what I heard secondhand from one of his old neighbors in Framingham). This past Monday afternoon, however, marked a turning point for me where I just had to turn off his show as it grated on me so god damned bad. I'm not sure I view / listen to Felger & Mazz the same way anymore because of it. Boston radio in general has been a real shitshow the past five years, for me because of the losses of WBCN and WFNX and the quality of other radio stations is simply not there, in my opinion. I don't know if this Felger thing below is just another example of that continuing decline in quality, but I suspect it is. I suppose that remains to be seen / heard.

And no, I wasn't boozin' when I wrote this rant. That's the surprising part!

Now, onto the rant!

Michael Felger hates the NBA so much, he can simultaneously trash the Warriors, Steph Curry and LeBron James all at the same time. THAT’s talent.

I've had the displeasure of reading that f*n prick Shaughnessy from Day 1 in 1981. I stopped buying the Boston Globe in 1995 solely because of that f*n prick Shaughnessy, and the taking over primary blogging duties at DSW in September of 2009, so I thought all these years of exposure to unrelenting negativity and hostility would have left me prepared / inoculated for that full solar flare blast from Felger & Massarotti when I tuned in on Monday to get their take on that Game 2 of the NBA finals.

Nope - not even close! I might as well have been a test dummy on one of those islands in the Pacific when they tested the first hydrogen bomb - I was instantly vaporized by Felger's blast of unrelenting negativity and hostility, and Mazz chiming in was just getting thrown by the blast's shock wave. I turned it off in about four or five minutes.

I have managed to recover from that beating, and since I'm on the road at the time they kick off in about twelve hours from now, I'll see if my brain can withstand another dose of Michael Felger Grade A radiation. Should be fun!

Just had to get that off my chest - I picked the wrong week to give up booze...

(crossposted on Boston Sports Media Watch)

They Owed Us One

Shank sure has an irritating way of starting one of his once-in-a-blue-moon positive columns about a Red Sox player.

BALTIMORE — Anybody remember the Jeff Bagwell deal?

They have one like that here in Baltimore now. Eduardo Rodriguez has a chance to become Dan Duquette’s Jeff Bagwell.

Red Sox fans over the age of 35 know what we are talking about. In 1990, lovable Lou Gorman swapped Sox infield prospect Jeff Bagwell for a journeyman pitcher named Larry Andersen. Andersen was a funny dude who used to attach sunflower seeds to his face. He pitched 22 innings of pretty good relief for the 1990 Sox and the Sox won the AL East by two games. Then they were swept by Oakland in the ALCS.

Bagwell went on to hit 449 home runs with a .297 lifetime batting average. He won a Gold Glove. He was National League MVP in 1994. In 2002, fans responding to an ESPN poll voted the Bagwell-Andersen deal as the second worst in baseball history, trailing only Babe Ruth-to-the-Yankees-for-cash.

Just have to rub our noses in it, doesn't he?

Well, now the shoe may be on the other foot:

The Orioles last summer gave the Red Sox Rodriguez in exchange for Andrew Miller at the trading deadline. Miller pitched very well for Baltimore the rest of the way. The Orioles won the American League East by 12 games but were taken out of the playoffs by the Kansas City Royals in the ALCS. Like Andersen, Miller immediately signed with another team.

Eduardo Rodriguez threw six shutout innings, adding to what has been a brilliant introduction to the majors.

Meanwhile, the Red Sox have a guy who looks like one of the best young pitchers in baseball. The 22-year-old Rodriguez was positively dazzling in his first two big league starts, going 2-0, allowing only one run in 14⅔ innings. He walked four and struck out 14. He worked quickly. He immediately made himself the darling of the fandom.

Does anyone else think John Henry pulled Shank into his office and said "Humor me - try writing one damn positive column about the Red Sox!", or is this just a coincidence?

Exit question - isn't the aforementioned Jeff Bagwell one of the players not on Shank's 2013 Hall of Fame ballot because he 'suspects' him of using PED's back in the day? (Answer - why, yes he is!)

Swich Hitting

What's this - a halfway positive Red Sox story from Shank?

It was the best inning of the season. It was the best game of the season. It was a seven-run, eight-hit frame, starting with “Sweet Caroline,’’ and ending after the Red Sox greeted Oakland’s fifth pitcher of the inning with “Everything Is Awesome.’’

Stop the presses, people. Trailing, 4-0, in the eighth, the beleaguered, much-buffeted Red Sox scored seven times in the home half of the inning and beat the Triple A’s, 7-4, Sunday at sunny Fenway Park.

It was a breakthrough day in every way. The Sox had been 1-26 in games in which they trailed after seven innings. They had not won three straight since April 9-11. The victory gave the Sons of John Farrell a three-game winning streak and kept them out of the cellar of the American League East by a few percentage points.

...

Upstairs in the press box, the sad stories and obits were being prepared.

So, Shank had his negative column mostly written, then had to throw it away to write this one? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy...

Shank On Boston 2024, Part IV

Shank's been having quite a blast these past few weeks, from DeflateGate to the epic suck that so far has been the 2015 Boston Red Sox season. He now half rewrites the same No To Boston 2024 column for the third, or fourth, or even fifth time. In all this excitement, I can barely keep count myself!

We need a volcano.

The 1908 Summer Olympic Games were originally scheduled to be held in Rome. The Rome 1908 committee (I believe it was fronted by Stephano Pagliuca and Giovanni Fish) secured the bid for the IV Olympiad and everything was all set until Mount Vesuvius erupted on April 7, 1906, burying Rome and Pompeii in volcanic ash. The IOC relocated the Olympic Games to London.

At this hour, Boston needs some molten lava to stop the madness around the 2024 Olympic bid.

In six short months, Boston 2024 has become a punchline. Someday folks will look back at this misguided effort and compare it to “Gigli,” the PT Cruiser, and Google Glass . . . one more bad idea from the early part of the 21st century. Boston 2024 needs to be put out of its misery. The sooner the better.

Here's an interesting tidbit:

Still, the folks running Boston 2024 don’t seem to like us. Last Monday they bailed on meeting with the Globe’s editorial board because they did not want news people attending the meeting (on an off-the-record-basis), which had been planned for two weeks.

That tells you one or two things - the Boston 2024 organizers don't want you to know certain things, and from that, you shouldn't trust them as far as you can throw them.

As a reminder, this is one issue where DSW agrees with Shank. Read the rest of the column for other interesting nuggets.

Shank Unloads

Shank finally gets around to penning his magnum opus on the 2015 Boston Red Sox.

The Red Sox are a myth, and the sooner folks understand this, the sooner ownership will be forced to address the hard truth.

The myth of the Sox is that they are some kind of perennial playoff contender. You know . . . three championships in 10 years.

Well, they are tied with the San Francisco Giants with three World Series championships during that stretch. Using that same compelling 'logic', are the Giants a myth of a perennial playoff contender? No matter - it counts for squat in Shank's book.

Swell. But despite the hype, the highest prices in baseball, and the $200 million payroll (not exactly! -ed), the Sox are no longer legitimate contenders. They are not a good team and they have not been a good team for quite some time.
...
Wake up, people. Your baseball team is not smarter than all the other teams. Your farm system is not the best in the majors.
...
Your Red Sox are an aggregate 31 games under .500 (267-298) since Sept. 1, 2011.

Why does Shank continue to use this misleading starting point, ignoring their 83-52 record from Opening Day 2011 to Sept. 1, 2011? Because he's a relentlessly negative asshole, that's why.

You knew this rant of his was coming; we just had to wait for Shank's Deflategate erection to subside.

Ok, that's another visual y'all could do without. Sorry!

Tweets Lacking In Self-Awareness, By Dan Shaughnessy

Ever stop to ask 'why', Shank?

Maybe You Should Move There

Here's Shank writing about the NBA Finals, jumping on the Cleveland bandwagon:

Go Cleveland. Go Cavaliers. Go LeBron.

It’s the only way to go.

The NBA Finals start Thursday, and unless you are a fan of the Golden State Warriors, or perhaps a fan of Steph Curry’s adorable 2-year-old daughter, you simply must root for the Cavs.

Sorry, I know many of you will find it hard to cheer for LeBron James. He’s a little full of himself, he has been a Celtics rival for many years, and he inspires a lot of irrational hatred for a guy who never really has done anything offensive other than stage an ill-conceived media event with Jim Gray.

'Ill-conceived' is Shank speak for 'convenient memory lapse':

“Despicable Me.’’

Starring LeBron James, ESPN, Jim Gray, and the Miami Heat.

All despicable.

It’s been more than 36 hours since “The Decision’’ and I’m still nauseous.

Truly, has there ever been a more hideous sports-related hour than what we saw Thursday night?

It’s hard to know where to start. We had MeBron speaking of himself in the third person and saying, “I’m going to take my talents to South Beach.’’ We had ESPN lying to us about at what point MeBron would announce his move, then morphing into game-show mode. We had Gray forever forfeiting all semblance of integrity, taunting America (particularly Clevelanders) by intentionally delaying the only question we wanted him to ask. And now we have the Miami Heat — a veritable team of A-Rods, the team we will root against in every game as long as LeBron, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh are together.

Despicable. All of them.

This column's his makeup call for trolling Cleveland a few months ago, nothing more.

DHL Dan - XLI

It's been a while since Shank officially mailed in a column, hasn't it?

Beating A Dead Horse

Or, rewriting the same column for the sixth time:

Looking back at The Needle and the Damage Done, there is still one thing I can’t get my head around.

It’s easy to believe that the Patriots bent the rules, created their own system of preparing game-day footballs, then covered it up and lied about it when they got caught. The whole thing is absurd, and probably wildly unlucky. Everybody does stuff like this, but the Patriots keep getting caught because they do it more than anybody else, they win, and there are jealous rats who hate them.

Yeah, can't think of anybody off the top of my head...

Hopefully, Shank's Next Column

It seems that Shank's gleeful series of columns on Deflategate has more or less run its course, which means he can turn his attention to his traditional summertime tradition, shitting on the Red Sox:

Dan Shaughnessy said the team likes playing for manager John Farrell, but suggested that maybe the Red Sox have gotten a bit too comfortable.

"They know their not going to get spanked or humiliated in front of the media," said Shaughnessy. "He's not gonna call them out. When that sort of behavior, effort or complacency is tolerated by the manager, guys like that, they don't have to play that hard… you can mail it in a little bit here because the manager makes it more comfortable for you. That's the issue."

A few hours afterwards, the Red Sox got clobbered 12 - 5 by the Los Angeles Angels, so look for a classic Sox doom & gloomer any day now from His Shankness.

'Madness in the Spring'

Yesterday it was, could Bob Kraft be assembling a commissioner coup? Today it's "Bob wimped out."

To recap:

• The CHB believes the Patriots cheated and then lied about it.
• The CHB believes the Patriots had its punishment coming if for no other reason they have been guilty of the crime of "arrogance" (which in CHB talk is the same as "winning").
• The CHB believes writing the same column seven or eight times in a row will somehow change people's minds, or not, because we, too, are "arrogant."

Given that the NFL rules don't allow appeals from ownership, the smart thing for Kraft was to concede, so naturally The CHB sees this as a sign of weakness, even though he thinks they are as guilty as OJ.

What I found comical is that Shank has spent multiple columns on the Deflategate story over multiple days in San Francisco and has yet to land an interview with a Patriots player or employee.

There's also this odd Jethro Tull reference thrown in ("Patriot fans spitting out pieces of their broken luck," which is funny in that if anyone has less need for an aqualung, it's The CHB, who is already full of air (and probably has spent more than one afternoon in a boozy haze sitting on a park bench with snot running down his nose).

CSI (CHB's Shitty Investigation)

The mystery behind the Patriots' response to Deflatage deepens, but Dan is on the case!

• Why, for instance, if the Patriots did no wrong, did they suspend two lower-level employees for their roles?

• Will Robert Kraft sue the NFL?

• Could Kraft be working behind the scenes to oust NFL commissioner Roger Goodell?

It's spell-bounding drama, and the way The CHB tells it, readers surely will be on tenterhooks, at least until we learn what in the hell tenterhooks are.

What's telling, of course, is no one is talking to The CHB. The hometown columnist couldn't even score an interview with Kraft, who chose instead to talk with Peter King of Sports Illustrated.

This is where not being a dick would come in handy. Too late for that!

Obsession

From Shank's column, May 13, 2015 (date correction from the last post):

It is one of the biggest sports stories of our lifetime and it is our only topic for the foreseeable future.

And here to deliver his latest salvo against the New England Patriots, is Captain Obsession.

SEATTLE — Now the Patriots want you to believe that Jim McNally referred to himself as “The Deflator’’ because he was always trying to lose weight.

Wow. In non-legal, unscientific terms, that’s what we call a good old-fashioned whopper.

The Patriots are insulting your intelligence again. Because they can. Because they know that most Patriots fans believe the team can do no wrong.

The Patriots are merely victims of jealous rivals and a league run by buffoons. They hate us ’cause they ain’t us. Got it? Good.

Fort Foxborough has become an NFL college town on a par with Tallahassee, Fla. The Patriots are not going down without a fight and will enjoy universal support of a fan base thankful for all the franchise has accomplished in the last 15 years.

While in Seattle, Shank does what he does well - troll an entire town:

I originally came to Seattle to talk to Seahawks fans about Pete Carroll and the worst coaching decision in the history of sports. I wanted to know how Hawks fans felt about losing the Super Bowl to New England when Carroll elected to throw a slant pass over the middle when he was 1 yard from a Lombardi Trophy and had the NFL’s best downhill runner in his huddle.

The gentle folks of the Pacific Northwest were happy to talk about the disappointing loss.

“It still hurts, but he’s a good coach and a good guy,’’ said A.J. Thingh, who owns a Seattle limousine company. “I’m not really mad at him. He’s done good work. One bad call doesn’t make someone a bad coach.’’

(Tell that to Grady Little.)

Tune in next time for another exciting Deflategate column!

Fifth Time's A Charm

From Shank's column, May 12, 2015:

It is one of the biggest sports stories of our lifetime and it is our only topic for the foreseeable future.

How right he is! It should be obvious to anyone by now that 1) Shank hates the New England Patriots football team and 2) five columns in six days from the normally non-prolific columnist is proof positive that he is motivated primarily by any combination of the following traits - jealousy, envy, hatred, antipathy, pettiness, grudge holding and negativity.

Deflategate thoughts as we await appeals and Bob Kraft perhaps ponders seceding from the NFL . . .

■ I remain impressed by the physicists, magicians, jugglers of truth, and truthfully mad scientists who have made it their life mission to poke holes in the easily poked Wells Report. These folks are Tom Brady Vulcans and Klingons, speaking a language no one else knows. They are Krafty Krishnas, banging tambourines, chanting, and dancing around Gillette Stadium.

They are like the thousands of conspiracy theorists who have written books and devoted millions of hours to the flawed findings of the Warren Commission. They are Wells Report buffs, and they will not rest until Brady and the Patriots are cleared of all these trumped-up charges.

Among hundreds of missives I’ve received from the buffs, my favorite was from the gentleman who wrote, “I have a PHD in engineering specializing in process engineering (keeping things within tolerance). I spent 24 or so hours analyzing the Wells Report and writing this rebuttel. I would like to see it published somewhere before Tom Brady gets suspended.’’

The gentleman’s eight-page, single-spaced “rebuttel” concluded with, “Summary: The Wells Report is wicked stupid . . . Tom Brady is freakin’ awesome . . . Go Pats!!!!!”

Which has been Shank's M.O. from the start of this recent barrage of columns - dismiss and discount any evidence supporting the Patriots and relentlessly hammer away at the evidence making the Patriots look bad.

Toward the end of this column, however, it seems that Shank acknowledges some of these points:

■ Deep down, everybody (even you, Keyshawn) knows these punishments are too harsh. The Patriots are paying for a decade of flipping off the league, noncompliance with Wells, Spygate, and the league’s clumsy attempt to right its own ship after a year of horrible publicity over botched punishments.

■ Deflategate will not affect the Patriots competitively this season. Brady probably will get a couple of games shaved from his suspension. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get a good look at the future in Jimmy Garoppolo. The AFC East will still be the Warhol Division; the Patriots will win it easily, getting their first-round bye and second-round home game. They will also have the “us against the world” mentality that motivated them to 18-0 after Spygate in 2007.

■ I can’t help but wonder whether Matt Estrella ever hung out with Jim McNally and/or John Jastremski. Those three could get busts in the Rogues Wing of the Patriot Place Hall of Shame.

Piling On

Shank invents a lame excuse to continue to pile on the New England Patriots, and devotes this column to Tom Brady in particular.

SAN MATEO, Calif. — It could be Boston College High School on Morrissey Boulevard or Xaverian Brothers in Westwood. It could be Catholic Memorial in West Roxbury or Archbishop Williams in Braintree.

Except for the trophy case.

Except for the plaques on the school’s athletic Hall of Fame.

It’s there that you see that this is not your ordinary Catholic high school. It is there that you see photos of two of the greatest athletes of all time. It is there that you see Tom Brady. And Barry Bonds.

I flew to San Francisco to cover the Red Sox series against the Oakland A’s, but that plan blew up Monday when the Deflategate sanctions were levied by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. It is one of the biggest sports stories of our lifetime and it is my our only topic for the foreseeable future.

Lovely - we have three hatchet job columns and this one in the past week on Deflategate, and now we can expect more? Just fuckin' shoot me now...

And It's Sticky

Like that was a tough call in the last post, wasn't it?

This will stick with Tom Brady and the Super Bowl champions forever.

And Shank will do everything possible to make sure that happens. This is better for Shank than Christmas is for kids.

The NFL dropped the hammer on Brady and the Patriots late Monday afternoon. In the wake of NFL investigator Ted Wells’s 243-page “Deflategate” report, the league suspended Brady for four games, fined the Patriots $1 million (largest in NFL history), and took away two draft picks, including the club’s No. 1 selection in 2016.

The penalties were stiffer than the Patriots and their fans expected. As recently as January, owner Robert Kraft was asking for an apology from the league for raising the issue and embarrassing the team during Super Bowl week.

Now the league has determined that the Patriots are serial cheaters. In the eyes of the NFL, and much of Football America, the Patriots are Alex Rodriguez. For the second time in eight years, New England is being punished in the name of “the integrity of the game.’’ Blindly loyal fans can continue to bay at the moon, but unless the Patriots secede from the NFL, this doesn’t go away for Brady and the team.

The Patriots are a tremendously successful franchise. They win the AFC East every year and they have won four Super Bowls since 2001. Under the direction of Bill Belichick, they do things their own way and pay no heed to their critics. They regularly push the envelope and stretch the rules, and they win. This doesn’t make a lot of friends. And now it’s a field day for the army of Patriots enemies.

Leading the charge with three Patriots columns in five days and a bunch of gleeful tweets is General Shaughnessy.

Shank Shoots His Wad

With the announcement of sanctions against the New England Patriots for 'Deflategate', Shank's entire month is made:

Exit questions - do we get another sanctimonious column out of Shank now? Is he writing that column as we speak?

Brady, Patriots Make The CHB Wet

Now that an NFL investigation is complete, the Patriots in general and Tom Brady in particular are going to pay a tremendous price for their role in deflating footballs during the playoffs last season.

The Patriots are sanctimonious, arrogant, and "obstructionists."

Tom Brady is a lying cheater.

Bob Kraft is an insane whiner.

That's The CHB's column today in a nutshell.

So Tom Brady is now a wicked person, in the vein of other evildoers like Manny Ramirez, Nomar Garciaparra and Theo Epstein. Obviously whatever the worst offense you ever committed in your life is who you are. (What does that say about (Son of) Sam Shaughnessy, who got drunk and was busted for assaulting a cop?)

We needn't loo far in the Shank canon for instruction. Here's what The CHB wrote on Bill Parcell's induction to the Hall of Fame in August 2013:

He is renowned as the great, almighty Tuna, the quintessential Jersey guy who engaged reporters and insisted, “You are what your record says you are.’’ ... Parcells is the man who rescued the Patriots from irrelevance and maybe from a move to St. Louis. More than Bob Kraft, Tom Brady or Bill Belichick, Parcells is the man who changed the culture of football in Foxborough.

If Parcells is a local hero, and responsible for the Patriots culture, then isn't Parcells to blame? And if you are what your record says you are, well, doesn't that mean Patriots are Super Bowl champions?

Ever since their second Super Bowl loss to the Giants, The CHB has been writing some variation of the theme that the Patriots are done. This past year scuttled that pseudo franchise-in-the-making. Shank may be saying a hard rain's gonna fall (wicked bad cliche alert!), but it says The CHB is, once again, all wet.

Dump Taken

Does anyone else out there get the impression that Shank has been sitting on this column for five months?

It’s a bad day for the Patriots. It’s an especially bad day for New England’s iconic quarterback, Tom Brady.

The Patriots are Super Bowl champs, but the NFL also believes the Patriots are cheaters. The Patriots certainly didn’t need to illegally deflate footballs to beat the Indianapolis Colts, 45-7, in the AFC Championship game, but according to Ted Wells’s report released Wednesday, they went ahead and did it anyway.

The reports also says it is “more probable than not” that Brady “was at least generally aware” of the tampering. Golden Boy Tom is likely to be sanctioned when the NFL doles out its punishment in the wake of the damning report issued Wednesday afternoon.

Read on, to bask in his glee at taking his best shot yet at Bill Belichick and now Tom Brady.

The Patriots won the Super Bowl fair and square, with PSI-regulation footballs. They did not need deflated footballs to beat the Colts. It certainly cannot be proven that the Patriots were doing this every week. But now they have armed their legion of enemies with a new weapon.

Which would include Dan Shaughnessy. But you knew that already.

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like Pedro Martinez

Pedro Martinez has written a book about his baseball career. Shank got an advanced copy and devotes today's column to the book he wishes he could have co-wrote with him.

Pedro.

The book.

At last.

He wrote it with the Herald's Mike Silverman. The official publication date is Tuesday. He's got a signing at the Barnes & Noble at the Prudential on Thursday. And you might be able to hunt him down to sign your copy if you make the trek to Cooperstown in July. It will be worth it.

Unless you are old enough and lucky enough to have seen Sandy Koufax in the first half of the 1960s, Pedro's performance with the Red Sox in 1999 and 2000 is probably the best pitching you have ever seen. For those of us who got to cover him every day, he will always be one of the most fascinating, interesting, charming, and downright fun characters who ever walked across the ancient clubhouse at Fenway Park.

At least this column isn't an obvious, transparent attempt on Shank's part to rewrite history.

Oh, That Darn World Series Win!

Cherry-picking at its best, The CHB today rolls out two of his favorite subjects:

1. That the fans aren't tough enough on the Red Sox, and
2. The Red Sox suck.

He's been pushing variations of these themes for years. Unfortunately, he's never sure how to effectively make the case.

For example, he says the Red Sox have been under .500 since September 2011. OK, true, but why is that date important? Answer: It's the one he needs to make his case.

But wait: Didn't the Red Sox win a World Series during that span? Of course! So The CHB deftly parries that unfortunate wrinkle by calling it "incredibly lucky and somewhat inadvertent."

Who knew winning the World Series could be such a bummer?

"It’s a small sample, for sure, but we are now working on 3½ seasons of underachievement for the highly-paid local nine," says Shank. Well, not really. (See aforementioned World Series.)

That highly paid local nine includes Pablo Sandoval, of whom The CHB wrote last fall that the "Red Sox can't sign soon enough." It includes Dustin Pedroia ("no longer able to hit with runners in scoring position"), of whom a Shank column in February was headlined "Dustin Pedroia Ready for Bounceback Season."

It also includes the not-so-highly paid Mookie Betts, of whom The CHB complained the Red Sox were "overvaluing." But if you trade young players like Betts in order to get Cole Hamels, like Shaughnessy said in February, you get even more highly-paid veterans, and oh by the way, one who has a 4.14 ERA and 19 walks in 37 innings. Hard to imagine the Sox would have a better record with him.

The CHB was on Comcast Sports New England earlier this week and when asked where he was for panic level, he wasn't panicking. So why panic two days later?

Because he's Shank. And he needs to write a column.

A Love Affair Is Born

Lookie here - a second consecutive column on A-Rod!

Let’s not call it “great,’’ but this was certainly one of the more memorable moments in the 103-year history of Fenway Park.

On a night when he was benched, Alex Rodriguez, the lightning rod of baseball hatred, walked to home plate as a pinch hitter in the eighth inning and launched a 3-and-0 Junichi Tazawa pitch into the Monster Seats for his 660th career homer, tying Willie Mays for fourth place on baseball’s all-time list. Fans booed Rodriguez on every step around the bases. The Red Sox made no acknowledgment of the milestone on the scoreboard or over the public address system. It was just another homer by some guy named Rodriguez. Yeesh.

Now it’s Bonds, Aaron, Ruth, Mays, and A-Rod. That’s like Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, and . . . Costanza.

The most hated Boston sportswriter penning back-to-back smoochers for the most hated man in baseball - makes perfect sense!

The Obligatory A-Rod Column

Alex Rodriguez & the New York Yankees are coming to town this weekend, so we get an A-Rod column from Shank, natch:

Awkward Personified comes to Fenway this weekend.

Alex Rodriguez — the one you’ve despised all these years — makes his return to Boston for a three-game series starting Friday night, and A-Rod has a shot to tie Willie Mays for fourth on the all-time home runs list.

Rodriguez has 659 career homers. Mays hit 660. There are no words to express how wrong this feels.

What do you think, Dr. Charles Steinberg? Are the Red Sox going to feature a video montage of A-Rod’s greatest moments as he rounds the bases to the tune of “Times of Your Life’’ after tying the Say Hey Kid? Perhaps the Sox’ well-known choreographer could produce Terry Cashman singing, “Willie, Mickey and the Duke.’’

And what are Fenway fans to do? Other than boo?

Well, they're in the right ballpark for that!

From Bad To Worse

Passive / Aggressive Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

During the Cleveland Cavaliers eventual 4 game sweep of the Boston Celtics, Shank takes his last shots at the Cleveland fans:

Much like the Patriots winning all the coin tosses, Shank seems the get the most troll mileage out of the small things.

The Star Attraction?

Shank's hitting the lecture circuit tomorrow night:

DEVENS -- Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy will speak about sports and the nature of his job at a fundraiser for the Fort Devens Museum on Monday evening.

Shaughnessy, a Groton native, is expected to discuss the disappointing end to the Bruins season and the start of the Red Sox slate.

The fundraising event takes place at 7 p.m., at the Devens Common Center, 31 Andrews Parkway, next to SpringHill Suites by Marriott, off Jackson Road. Tickets are $30, with proceeds going to the nonprofit museum about Camp Devens and Fort Devens.

Guests will also be invited to bid for several items at a silent auction, including a weekend cottage getaway, a trifecta of fine wines, and an oil change and tire rotation at Gervais Ford in Ayer. A cash bar and free hors d'oeuvres will be available. Piano renditions will be played by retired Army musician Vaughn Gibson.

Tickets are available online at www/fortdevensmuseum.org or by mail or in person at the Museum, 94 Jackson Road, Suite 305, Devens, MA 01434, or reserve your place by calling 978-772-1286.

The winning bid will be a night out with Shank. Second place will be two nights out with Shank...

Direct Hit

Following up on Shank's April 20th column, we can confirm he successfully trolled the city of Cleveland whilst simultaneously complimenting the Cavaliers. Shank's most recent Jedi mind trick, as coined by Bruce Allen of Boston Sports Media Watch, resulted in a letter to the Globe editor and a number of offended columnists, other Ohio writers and pissed off Cleveland residents, which were fodder for Boston radio and even led to speculation that Shank's troll job led to the lack of confetti, Cleveland's customary celebration of a Cavaliers win, when Cleveland won Game 2 on Tuesday.

Congratulations, Cleveland - You Got Shanked!

Ill-Timed Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

This beauty went up around the time the Red Sox grabbed a 5 - 1 lead over the Tampa Bay Rays:

Yes, Shank - that 'big part of' the Red Sox offense really helped them out tonight, didn't it?

Stupid Tweets, by Dan Shaughnessy - IV

This is rich - Shank pretends ex post facto to know about Rajon Rondo's game:

Shank didn't write a god damned thing about Rondo during his entire Boston Celtics career and now tries to make it seem like he knew the whole time?

From this DSW blogger - when it comes to writing about Rajon Rondo, Shank, just shut the fuck up and quit embarrassing yourself.

Analogy Made

Shank serves up another Celtics column after last night's Game 2 99 - 91 loss to the Cavaliers and relates this loss to getting his ass kicked by his older brother:

CLEVELAND — My big brother used to do this to me on our backyard court. He was six years older and a hundred times better than me. Playing one-on-one, he’d get lazy and let me get close as I worked myself into a lather. Then he would swoop in and crush me at the finish. He won every time.

This is the NBA playoffs and LeBron James is the big brother. Against the upstart Celtics, King James wins every time. Tuesday night at the Q it was Cleveland 99, Boston 91 as the James Gang took a 2-0 series lead in this predictable best-of-seven first-round series.

At least he avoids pissing off more Cleveland fans during the rest of the column, so he's got that going for him.

Wish Granted - II

It looks like Shank's most recent trolling attempt column hit a nerve with residents of Cleveland. His Inbox must have been chock full of negative feedback today, prompting this response:

The most interesting response so far:

I, for one, will be tuning into 98.5 The Sports Hub the next time Shank makes an appearance on Bertrand & Zolak - should be really interesting!

Wish Granted

It looks like Shank got his wish with the one game suspension for David Ortiz for blowing a gasket / making contact with an umpire on Sunday.

Another LeBron / Cleveland Column

Let's summarize today's column:

Confetti.

No sports championships in 50 years.

Downtown Cleveland's a dump.

Here's how Cleveland's sports teams lost in the playoffs.

LeBron James gives Cleveland hope.

I'm off the Celtics bandwagon.

The Weathervane Returns

It didn't take long for Shank to abandon ship, did it?

CLEVELAND — The roles are reversed. This time around . . . we are the Tomato Cans.

It’s tough to stomach. We are Boston. We are the city of champions and duck boat parades. In any given postseason, we expect to have the team with the marquee names and great expectations. We steamroll those little-trains-that-could and move on to the next round, the more serious opponents.

"And when we don't have that team? I'm here to trash 'em!"

Not now. The Celtics are playing the Cavaliers in the first round of the NBA playoffs and Game 1, a 113-100 Cleveland victory, was hard to watch if you were trying to make a case for the Green Team.

Behold, as the Red Jheri Curl makes inane comparisons to past Boston playoff beatdowns:

This felt like the Red Sox against the Rockies in 2007. Or the Sox against the Rays in the 2013 playoffs. Or the Celtics of Garnett-Pierce-Allen in the playoffs in 2008. Or the Bruins against the Red Wings in the first round last year. Or the Patriots against the Colts in each of the last two postseasons.

We end this inglorious column by some half-disingenuous backtracking:

If you believe in miracles, you can still make a case for the Celtics. Not me. Not now.

This sentence would have more credibility if that graf was written before Game 1 was played, but that would require a columnist with credibility...

Wish Upon A Star

By now, you should know that when Shank writes stuff like this, he really means he wants him suspended, right?

Shank's On The Celtics Bandwagon

With his first column on the Boston Celtics in over three months, Shank pretends to give a rat's ass about the Green Team, who start the NBA playoffs against the Cleveland Cavaliers this afternoon.

CLEVELAND — There are those who think the Boston Celtics have hurt themselves by getting into the playoffs. They think this Quixotic Quest at the Q is nonsense — short-lived gratification at the expense of the long-term health of the franchise.

To you, I say, take a flying leap into Lake Erie.

The Celtics are in the playoffs and we should be loving it. The fact that the Celtics are matched up against the mighty, talent-laden Cavaliers only makes this series more fun.

Seriously. Aren’t you sick of the “rebuilding process,’’ tankapalooza,’’ and that awful image of M.L. Carr, Tommy Heinsohn, or Steve Pagliuca making the frowny face when the 76ers or Cavaliers draw the No. 1 pick in the draft lottery? I am.

I am still bitter...

About a lot of things!

The most amusing part of this story is, after Shank spent many a column and tweet ripping John Calipari and the Kentucky basketball program, to watch him now openly pine for one of their players, Karl-Anthony Towns.

Opening Day

Shank covers Opening Day from Fenway Park, and reveals his true age:

If it seems like we’ve been doing this for 104 years . . . it’s because we’ve been doing this for 104 years. As it was in 1912, when the granddaddy of JFK threw out the ceremonial first pitch, it is today.

You know the drill. First day of Fenway. Skip school. Watch the opening ceremonies. Honor the past. Watch the Sox beat a worthy rival. See a spectacular catch by Mookie Betts in the very first inning. See yet another homer by David Ortiz. Decide that this is the year. Hope that maybe some dreams come true.

We gathered back at the Fens Monday to watch the surging Sox of 2015 take on the deeply-talented, highly touted Washington Nationals. It marked the first time Washington served as an opponent for Fenway’s opener since the old Senators (they became the Twins) played here on April 14, 1959 with a young third baseman named Harmon Killebrew.

After the snowiest winter on record, the baseball god blessed the Red Sox and their fans with one of the more spectacular April afternoons of all time. It was a perfect, sun-splashed 69 degrees when the Nationals and Red Sox lined up for pregame introductions. A young child accompanied each Sox player. In an age of Xbox and X Games, Major League Baseball finally has decided it needs to re-charge its fans base and cultivate a new generation of fans.

Pucked Up

Overreactors of the world, unite!

The guy who knows nothing about hockey (the time the Holy Cross varsity shoved a puck up his ass as a prank notwithstanding) says it's time to fire the Bruins GM and the coach.

Here's the best part: The CHB says Peter Chiarelli has "bleeped up" the draft every year. Here's a few of the guys who Chiarelli has drafted: Phil Kessel, who finished fifth in goals and sixth in scoring two seasons ago; Tyler Seguin, who finished fifth in goals and 7th in overall scoring this year, and fifth in goals and fourth in overall scoring a year ago; Dougie Hamilton, considered one of the top young blue liners in the league; and David Pastrnak, who at 18 made the big club. If there's a nit to pick, it's that Chiarelli didn't react fast enough to the change in hockey from lumbering to speed, and gave up too soon on the guys who could finish.

Great analysis, Shank!

'Yank'ing a Familiar Chain

It's Red Sox, it's Yankees, it's cliche time!

Starting the counting:

• Teddy Ballgame
• Bucky Dent
• King George
• The House that Jeter Built
• Pedro Martinez tossing aside Don Zimmer

Wait, that's it? Nothing about Johnny Damon, The Rocket, Wade Boggs or Jacoby Ellsbury? Zippo on Nomar sitting out or Manny striking out?

Even The CHB is getting bored with the charade, it seems.

'Yank'ing a Familiar Chain

It's Red Sox, it's Yankees, it's cliche time!

Starting the counting:

• Teddy Ballgame
• Bucky Dent
• King George
• The House that Jeter Built
• Pedro Martinez tossing aside Don Zimmer

Wait, that's it? Nothing about Johnny Damon, The Rocket, Wade Boggs or Jacoby Ellsbury? Zippo on Nomar sitting out or Manny striking out?

Even The CHB is getting bored with the charade, it seems.

Shank On A-Rod

Shank posted this column during the latter innings of last night's 6 - 5 marathon win over the Yankees. It's interesting to note that in this column Rodriguez is treated far better than the Red Sox's DH, complete with Shank's new favorite catchphrase:

NEW YORK — Alex Rodriguez is approaching Willie Mays on the all-time home run list and his own team won’t acknowledge this fact.

A-Rod is baseball’s pariah. He is the bubonic plague. Hating on A-Rod is one of America’s favorite parlor games. Even in his own organization.

Rodriguez went 2 for 5 with three strikeouts in Friday night’s Red Sox-Yankees series opener that went deep into the night. It’s weird to see him in uniform again. It’s weird to see him in the Yankee locker room, where he dresses next to Jacoby Ellsbury, a tremendous talent who never gets particularly close to his teammates.

The beloved Yankee stars are all gone. Bernie Williams. Andy Pettitte. Jorge Posada. Mariano Rivera. Finally, Derek Jeter. But A-Rod is back. He is back because the Yankees still owe him a giant bag of money ($61 million through 2017). He is back because he served his one-year suspension. He is back because he’s got nowhere else to go.

Like He Rides The Green Line

Dan Shaughnessy, with positive comments on our local public transportation infrastructure:

Points are awarded for his consistency on the subject.

Off By Six Days

You just knew Shank was going to say something about UK basketball, didn't you?

I guess it's okay when Duke basketball players leave early for the NBA...

Stupid Tweets, by Dan Shaughnessy - III

We can barely believe a guy who gets paid to watch baseball games for a living actually wrote this tweet:

Actually, 1) We can believe it - after all, it's Shank! 2) Honest introspection and self-criticism are not this guy's strong suits.

Stupid Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy - II

The Boston Globe's been financially circling the drain for twenty years, and only recently does it finally hit Shank:

UPDATE, at 8:55 PM - Remember, this is the guy who had trouble figuring out odds & probability on Patriots' coin flips. While it may seem unsporting to criticize someone who's not strong with math and numbers, we here at DSW have no problem returning fire on a professional second-guesser like this guy.

Bitter To The Last Drop

Of course, we could have used this title for any number of Shank's columns, but after the 2015 Boston Red Sox started their season this afternoon with an 8 - 0 win over the Philadelphia Phillies, the Red Jheri Curl Columnist does his best to pour cold water on it.

Take a gander at the headline:

For a day anyway, Red Sox’ plan worked perfectly

That's okay, Shank, you still have 161 games to piss on everyone.

Actually, that's not completely accurate, as his cynicism and snideness is replete throughout the column:

PHILADELPHIA — This is the way they drew it up in the dimly lit silo in Lawrence, Kan., during the long, cold baseball winter of 2014-15.

Bill James, Ben Cherington, John Henry, Michael Gordon, Larry Lucchino, and Tom Werner could not have asked for a better Opening Day. The guys who run the Red Sox are pushing a new world order, and everything worked out perfectly in the first 24 hours of the new major league season. Let the gloating begin.

Less than 18 hours after Jon Lester spit the bit in his nationally televised Cubs debut at Wrigley Field (take that, Theo!), the revamped Red Sox lineup crushed five homers in an 8-0 rout of the Philadelphia Phillies.

The Sox hit four homers (two by Dustin Pedroia) off the coveted Cole Hamels, a high-priced ace they eschewed in trade talks. Hanley Ramirez, who received the bag of money that Lester and Hamels did not get, hit a pair of bombs, including a ninth-inning grand slam.

This tone of nearly unprofessional butthurt runs throughout the rest of the column, right up to the last word:

“Everybody put a lot of hard work into spring training,’’ said Pedroia. “Now is the time for it to pay off.’’

“This is how I planned it in my head,’’ said Buchholz. “Our lineup feels like our lineup in 2007. It’s pretty cool.’’

Sounds like worst to first.

Again.

But It Might Help This Blogger!

This 'Red Jheri Curl' column from Saturday got by me somehow - I'll blame tax season!

It's ostensibly a column on Boston athletes, but you'll know better once you realize half the column is devoted to shitting on Big Papi:

And now we have David Ortiz . . . cuddly Big Papi . . . Baseball’s Father Christmas . . . perhaps the greatest clutch hitter of all time . . . A man so beloved, he can drop an F-bomb on national television and be applauded by the boss of the FCC. Ortiz has emerged as the face of Boston baseball over the last decade and it is doubtful he has ever heard a single boo at his Fenway office. He has earned the love and returned the love. Watch how he interacts with Fenway fans.

But this love is not unanimous when one ventures outside the gates of Fenway. Owed largely to his own acts of selfishness, and occasional boorishness, Ortiz has assembled a significant army of detractors in his hometown. He knows this and it bothers him.

Like many of Shank's recent columns, the Globe closed its comments section, which is just as well...

More Training Won't Do Him Any Good

The CHB is definitely ready for the baseball season to start, because today's column is a lackadaisical effort at best.

• "We have just endured the worst winter of our lives — a season of snow, wind, and cold that motivated many to sell properties and many more to make plans to flee to Florida next February — and there is unusual hunger for green grass, warm days, and the daily, sometimes wacky narrative of the Boston baseball team." 

Really? A lot of snow doesn't make for the "worst winter of our lives," although I'm sure it made running his daily mile a bit of a chore. No, it makes for the snowiest winter of our lives. Skiers were enthralled, and Patriots fans are on top of the world.

• "The team payroll is more than $200 million, easily one of the top five in the game." 

A little research would have uncovered that, according to Deadspin, it's $187.4 million, which is closer to No. 19 Milwaukee than to No. 1 Los Angeles.

• "They are intent on proving they can win without an ace."

The best pitcher in the majors, by VORP, in 2014 was Cory Kluber. He did not make the playoffs. Nos. 2, 3 and 4 didn't make it out of the first round. In fact, of the top eight pitchers in the majors last year only four made the playoffs, one of whom (Jon Lester) did so because he was traded to a contender with two months to go in the season. The AL Champion Royals' best thrower was 15th, meaning half the teams in baseball had a pitcher who performed better in 2014. The Orioles' best pitcher finished 36th, which didn't seem to stop them from advancing to the second round of the playoffs. The best pitcher on the playoff-making Pirates wasn't even close to that high. Ace, schmace.

• "The Sox’ owners and analytic masterminds believe pitchers over 30 who make big money are to be avoided."

Except that they offered Lester $135 million in a deal that would have taken him past his 37th birthday.

Let the regular season begin. Shank is already in top form.

New Column Fodder

Now that the University of Kentucky has lost in the Final Four and thus deprived of their quest of a perfect season, do we have even money on the odds of a Shank column taking his last shit on coach John Calipari for the calendar year?