Promise Broken, Again

Dan Shaughnessy, October 25, 2015:

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

Dan Shaughnessy, earlier this afternoon:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — It was good to see Pablo Sandoval playing baseball again Thursday afternoon. The slimmed-down Kung Fu Panda started at third base against the Northeastern Huskies,
...
The last time we saw the Panda in action was last April, when his belt succumbed to his swollen gut and literally exploded in mid-swing at the Rogers Centre in Toronto.
...
The Panda has been a punch line around here for the better part of two seasons.
...
No. Nothing like that. We watched the Panda’s BMI rise while his OPS fell.
...
In the wake of a second straight last-place finish by the Red Sox in 2015, Sandoval and Hanley Ramirez became Boston baseball’s Pinata Twins — blamed for everything that was wrong with the team. (blamed by...whom? - ed.)
...
He showed up looking out of shape, and no one believed the Sox when they insisted he had only 17 percent body fat (“Did they say 70 percent?” we wondered).
...
We know he’s on a low-carb regimen and he dropped a few lbs. by riding his mountain bike to the park and doing some boxing in the offseason. He says he has something to prove. He says his shoulder is healed. He says he’s OK again from the right side. (surely not trying to create doubt here, right? - ed.)
...
Sandoval played three grueling innings against Northeastern.

Much like Shank's daily grueling one mile run!

Panda Watch

Dan Shaughnessy, October 24, 2014:

SAN FRANCISCO — The Red Sox can’t sign Pablo Sandoval fast enough.

Truly. John, Tom, and Larry need to bring the Kung Fu Panda to Fenway Park.

Shank, same day:

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

Shank, seventeen months later:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Sitting at a table in the Red Sox interview room Thursday morning, John Farrell was asked an innocent question about how he was going to divide playing time at third base — Pablo Sandoval vs. Travis Shaw — over the last week of spring training.

“Travis is starting today,’’ the manager answered. “Pablo is dealing with some low back stiffness on the ball he dove for the other day in Jupiter. He’s going to be down for a couple of days, just trying to get back. He’s going to be unavailable on a day-to-day status right now.’’

And so it begins . . .
...
Always portly, he somehow got heavier as the woeful season played out. There were no panda hats in the stands and not much damage by Sandoval at home plate. He hit only .245 with 10 homers and a measly 47 RBIs in 126 games. He made 15 errors. He got caught browsing photos on Instagram from a clubhouse bathroom in the middle of a game.

At the end of the dismal season, the Sox sent him home and told him to shape up. When Panda arrived this spring, he looked exactly the same as he looked the year before. A first-day photo of him fielding grounders was positively gut-wrenching. Still, Sandoval said he had nothing to prove and went about his work.

So much for that promise...

Train Wreck?

Shank's coming out of the spring training gate strong, with his fourth column in as many days.

Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

You know that's bullshit, right?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Pablo Sandoval arrived at Red Sox spring training camp Sunday morning, looking exactly the same as he looked when he arrived last spring. Plus-size.
...
I looked everywhere for him Saturday night. I check the deli counter at Publix and the popular Two Meatballs in the Kitchen restaurant off Daniels Highway. I even went to the Regal Cinemas Belltower 20 to see if he might be taking in the late show of “Kung Fu Panda 3” but . . . no luck. Meanwhile, Sandoval was taking a beating on social media.

At 7:30 a.m. Sunday, the Wait gave way to The Weight as Panda strolled into the clubhouse for the first time in 2016. Video crews from Comcast and NESN were there to record the moment.
...
We thought he’d look different. And the Red Sox should have prepared him better.

The optics on this are bad and some of the words are likely to stick.

We know Shank will do his part to make sure things stick, won't he?

The bigger point with this story - the Red Sox asked Pablo to lose weight and he didn't, giving Shank a great storyline. Indeed, he's in mid-season form already.

CHB Column Latest Underperformer

Six days after The CHB was laid to waste, scooped on the Dave Dombrowski hiring by the likes of Heidi Watney (!) and David Wade (!!), he picks up the pieces long enough to claim the renewed energy at Fenway owes itself to players worried about losing their jobs.

Who, exactly, is worried remains to be seen.

Pablo Sandoval has a huge contract, and the Red Sox don't have a viable replacement at third base. He ain't worried. Hanley Ramirez has an even huger contract, and while they have lots of outfielders, none of them is making $22 million a year. He ain't worried either.

Dustin Pedroia is injured but the heart and soul of the team and has a contract that runs through 2021. The only guy in the system who might be able to fill his spot today is the current starting centerfielder, Mookie Betts. He ain't worried.

And on it goes. The other underperformers have already been traded (Mike Napoli, Shane Victorino) or released (Justin Masterson), or are on the DL and unlikely to be booted without a long look next spring.

The other myth The CHB tries to push is that the Red Sox are suddenly going to return to the Stone Ages of baseball; that is, when the league RBI leader was the default MVP. Ha! Wonder if Shank knows the difference between the Red Sox and, say the Cardinals and Giants is not their scouts but rather their so-called baseball people NOT taking the stats guys' advice. Keep in mind, it was the stats guys who said don't sign Sandoval. The CHB, on the other hand, made it the platform of his off-season campaign. Who's the smart guy now?

Satire is Reflexive

Satire is reflexive.

As we have routinely called attention to The CHB's flip-flopping and used quotes from his own columns to mock him when events turned out differently than he predicted -- which is almost always -- The CHB is now borrowing from our technique to take aim at Red Sox management.

Unfortunately, just as John Henry and Co. believe(d) mightily in the team -- and at least said so, and to be honest, what else are they supposed to do? -- so too did The CHB.

• “This isn’t quite Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez, but I’m applauding this. [T]hey’re putting money back into the payroll. I applaud that. Some of these contracts may not look so good four, five years from now when you see what these guys look like, but I won’t care.”
• It’s OK now to applaud the Sox for spending money and trying to make their team better and more interesting in 2015. What we’ve seen this week is more like the Red Sox of the old days — a team that would spend buckets of cash to take other teams’ best players; the Red Sox who were more like the Yankees than they ever wanted to admit. ... [L]et’s welcome the Red Sox back to relevancy."

• "Pablo Sandoval ... is a 28-year-old switch-hitter who can rake. He can turn on the high fastball, something nobody does anymore. ... He can hit when it matters most. He’s also a cat-like defender."

So there's that.

What's weird is how he continually refers to the 2013 World Series championship as a "fluke." So if winning 95 games plus three playoff series is a fluke, then what were the crash of 2012, the World Series losses in 1967, 1975 and 1986, etc. -- anomalies?

Advice: Don't bother reading the column. Shank jumps back and forth so much among topics, you'll be convinced he didn't take his dementia meds before writing it.

Afterthought: What the hell is with Nick Cafardo? He writes for the umpteenth time that the Red Sox have to start their youth movement, then in the same column says none of the AAA players the Sox have are major league caliber. Note to Nick: Stop sharing a row with The CHB. It's rubbing off.

Let's Get Large - The Weighty Issues

Most of the time, the best way not to call attention to something is not to write about it. Then there's this guy:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He ain’t heavy, he’s your third baseman.

Enough with Panda fat jokes. Pablo Sandoval is what he is. He is a 28-year-old switch-hitter who can rake. He can turn on the high fastball, something nobody does anymore. He can hit the ball that’s pitched away. He can hit tape-measure shots when batting from the left side. He can hit when it matters most. He’s also a cat-like defender, surprisingly nimble at the hot corner. Think Wilfork with a Wilson mitt on his left hand.

There’s been a lot of fat talk around Camp Red Sox since intrepid Steve Silva of Boston.com snapped a photo of Panda standing around the infield, looking a little like Marlon Brando in “Apocalypse Now.’’

Sandoval was caught in a classic Dunlap pose. You know the joke. His belly done lapped his belt. Somehow, the publication of this photo triggered a Fat Tuesday festivus of ridicule and repudiation. It was talk show fodder back home in Boston for a few days and even David Letterman weighed in with a Top 10 list of things you don’t want to hear from your $95 million baseball player. Publicly, Sandoval put on a happy face. He posed for a gut-protruding photo with teammates Hanley Ramirez and Joe Kelly. They called it the Panda Pose and sent it out on Twitter.

But Sox insiders claimed Sandoval was hurt. Changed. Burned.
...
Which brings us back to the Kung Fu Panda, the corpulent captain of Team Tundra (vast waist land). In Red Sox lore, Sandoval is a worthy successor to Babe Ruth, Mo Vaughn, and Rich Garces.

Safe to say that Shank broke his pledge not to goof on Sandoval's weight with this column.

Promises Are Made To Be Broken

Shank, October 25, 2014:

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

Pablo Sandoval, in Red Sox training camp earlier today:

This photo comes from Boston.com's Steve Silva, and shows new Red Sox third baseman (signed through 2019) Pablo Sandoval on his first day in camp. OK, so maybe he's a little robusto. He just got $100 million guaranteed. That's not really his problem anymore.
...
But if Sandoval happens to slump...I guarantee you'll have never heard "you fat fuck" yelled so many times in New England accents.

Since Shank's always been full of shit, when does he break his laughable 'pledge'? First day he shows up at Ft. Myers? First booted ground ball by The Panda? First serious batting slump? Leave your guesses (by date of the column ripping Sandoval) in the comments section, and the winner gets a stuffed doll from yours truly!

Money Can't Buy Memories

Quick: Who remembers what The CHB said when the Red Sox signed Carl Crawford?

"Carl Crawford brings new dimensions" and "He is a superior athlete ... And Sox fans are going to like his defense.

And remember what he said when the Sox signed Adrian Gonzalez?  "[Gonzalez] could be the answer to Mark Teixeira, and "Suddenly, the Red Sox are back.

Here's what else he wrote:

• "It’s a glut of talent, success, and celebrity, and no American city has seen anything like it."
• "Now they have new weapons, guys in the primes of their career, playing first base and left field deep into this new decade. Christmas at Fenway. Indeed."

Now let's look at the false equivalency he lays out today: "When you have won a playoff game in only one of your last six seasons, it’s time to throw cash at the problem, even if it means blowing up your blueprint."

They won a goddamn World Series, dumbass! Yet there's Shank, acting like the Sox are the New England version of the Pirates, a bunch of penny-pinchers who are just glad to be here.

Keep in mind that the Red Sox spent  $312 million on player salaries in 2013-14, good for fourth in all of baseball. The Yankees -- the team The CHB thinks the Sox should emulate -- spent $432 million -- and didn't make the playoffs. The Phillies spent $345 million -- and didn't make the playoffs. And the Dodgers spent $451 million; they made the playoffs both years but never even got to the World Series.

Also keep this in mind when Hanley Ramirez and Pablo Sandoval get old or hurt or go hitless for a few games next year. Need we remind you what The CHB said about Gonzalez and Crawford when things went south for them?

Just Spend, Baby

The Boston Red Sox have made a few acquisitions in recent days, third baseman Pablo Sandoval and outfielder Hanley Ramirez. Shank weighed in on yesterday's Gresh & Zolak show.

“This isn’t quite Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez, but I’m applauding this,” Shaughnessy said Monday. “They have a surplus of outfielders, a surplus of right-handed bats and now they can trade some of that to get starting pitching.”

After winning the 2013 World Series and then resting on their laurels with minimum impact signings, Shaughnessy is glad they’re finally spending money again.

“At least what they have demonstrated is they’re willing to spend some dough. There was a lot of money off the books last year, and now they’re putting money back into the payroll. I applaud that. Some of these contracts may not look so good four, five years from now when you see what these guys look like, but I won’t care.”

And if anyone believes that last bit, just wait until the first three or four game losing streak. At that point, one or both of these guys will join that long, long line of Boston Red Sox players like the aforementioned Carl Crawford who have made the Shaughnessy Shit List ^TM.

Dan Shaughnessy Orgasm Watch

OK, maybe you can do without that visual, but look at whom the Boston Red Sox just made some offers:

Free agents Jon Lester and Pablo Sandoval have been offered multiyear deals to play for the Red Sox, according to a major league source.

Lester, who met with Red Sox owners last week in Atlanta, is believed to be looking for a six- or seven-year deal in the range of $23 million-$25 million per year.

According to a major league source, the Red Sox offered him between $110 million and $120 million over six years, which would average $18.3 million-$20 million a year.

Lester also visited with the Cubs, who along with the Red Sox were expected to be the most aggressive in their pursuit, and the lefthander will meet with the Braves Thursday. He also could make trips to Toronto and St. Louis. It’s not clear where the Yankees stand in all of this, but they, too, could enter the Lester market.

Sandoval is seeking six years for up to $20 million per year, and the Red Sox and Giants appear to be the front-runners for the third baseman’s services. Details of the Red Sox’ offer to him were unknown.

Shank had a major hard-on for 'The Panda' a month ago; let's see what he says a) if he's signed by the Sox and b) if he's signed, what Shank will say about Sandoval with his first serious batting slump, despite his insincere "promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list."

He Apparently Found the Daisy's of KC

The CHB shows off his knee-jerk reactionism in today's column, yet another that pretends to be on the World Series but is really just a series of shots at the Red Sox.

Let's begin!

"Having watched the Giants in October of 2014, does Red Sox general manager Ben Cherington still think a team can win a World Series without an ace?"

This suggests Cherington said something along those lines, which he didn't. What Shank is referring to is the Red Sox' trade of Jon Lester last July. What Shank ignores is that 1) the Red Sox were going nowhere and 2) Lester is a free-agent to be and was set to walk.

What Shank could have noted is that 1) the Royals are one game away from winning the WS without an ace and 2) if the Giants win, it will extend a streak whereby the WS winner was the team with the home runs during the regular season -- a place the Red Sox are much better position for with Yoenis Cespides (the player received in exchange for Lester) than without. But that ruins Shank's argument.

• Who should the Red Sox sign: James Shields or Pablo Sandoval? Probably not Shields, based on the Series performance.

Yes, Shields has shit the bed in the post-season. And yes, Sandoval is hitting up a storm (.360 through Game 6). So naturally we should make $100 million decisions based on a handful of games, right? Guess who is hitting just 10 points less than Panda? The immortal Brandon Crawford. Perhaps we can make it a package deal.

• Did you know that Back Bay watering hole Daisy Buchanan's is closing? 

Where is The CHB going to get his pre- and post-game drink on now? My guess is he's not allowed in Sonsie.

Sandoval Signing Will Beget Major Hissy Fits

Funny the headline over The CHB today uses the word "fit" to describe the hypothetical match between the Red Sox and current Giants 3B Pable Sandoval.

Funnier still, The CHB's proclamations and assertions that he "promise(s)" never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list."

This is the guy who mocked Dustin Pedroia (future MVP and Rookie of the Year) for being small and no good, David Ortiz (two time playoff MVP and six time Silver Slugger winner) for being fat and no good, Pedro Martinez for being sensitive and injured (3 Cy Youngs; future Hall of Famer), Roger Clemens for being fat and good (7 Cy Youngs), and Curt Schilling (3 Cy Young runner-ups) for being injured and talking too much?

And those guys are total studs. So do we really think Shank is going to sheath the daggers for a middle of the pack infielder who is already on the wrong side of 27 and has had three straight years of diminishing performance?

"Promises" are made to be broken.