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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Red and Dan's Conversation: What Really Took Place

An anonymous commenter asked if perhaps a security camera caught this magical exchange between Red and Dan. As it happens, there was a camera and we were able to get our hands on it. Here is how the conversation really went:

CHB: “Hiya Red, how ya doing?”

Red: Oh jeez, not you again

CHB: What do you mean “Not you again”? I thought we were buddies. Don’t you remember those cigars you gave me when my daughter was born?

Red: Oh hell, not that cigar story again. Why the hell do you feel the need to tell everyone about those damn cigars? Don’t you realize those things were stale? If I hadn’t seen you that night, I would have tossed them in the trash can.

CHB: Really, I thought we had a strong connection back in the 80’s….those were the good ole days.

Red: Hey, let me tell you a story. Back in the 1960s, Russell would invite Chamberlain over to dinner for a big game. It would soften Wilt up – make them feel like they were buds. Russell had no interest in friendship—he was trying to take advantage of the situation and made Wilt lose his edge. The Big Guy learned that trick from me. I was only trying to buddy up with you so you would give me good press. See how well it worked? 25 years later and you are still talking about those damn cigars.

CHB: Man, I really remember it differently. Thought we had a strong connection there. Boy, those 80’s were the good ole days.

Red: You know Dan…I have moved on with my life….maybe you should consider moving on as well.

CHB: You know, Red, I just love the 60s and 80s. That Larry Bird sure was a great player wasn’t he?

Red: Yes, Dan he was. But remember that point I just told you about moving on with your life? That Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce, they are pretty good too you know. Did you happen to catch the game the other night?

CHB: Yeah, yeah, I was there. Can you believe that blowhard Schilling was there in a Celtics jersey no less ? I figured you would be rolling over in your grave if you saw that windbag there.

Red: I kind of like that Big Schill guy. Ever read his blog? It is pretty good.

CHB: Oh no, you read blogs?

Red: Yep, there is even one that tracks your writing. It’s pretty good too. What have you got against blogs anyway?

CHB: They get in the way and they are not relevant.

Red: Sounds like a case of the pot calling the kettle black? You know, it is kind of funny. You were talking earlier about our “connection”. Here is a good connection for you. I sit around here all day doing nothing and pigeons crap on me. You sit around all day doing nothing and bloggers crap on you..

CHB: Very funny, Red.

Red: So you know, Dan, I still read your columns from time to time. I don’t know why—kind of like when people stop to see a car wreck. Just wondering if you got any lame 1970 music lyric references up your sleeve. The ones you come up with are sort of pathetically funny.

CHB: Funny you should mention it Red, I have been working on one. Remember Don McLean’s Miss American Pie?

Red: Yep, sure do, that was a classic.

CHB: I adopted the words to talk about the day Larry Bird retired. How does this sound?

And the three men I admire most

The Father, Red, and Johnny Most

They took the last train for the coast

The day that Bird retired

Red: You really are a sad little man, aren’t you Dan?

CHB: Hey, I thought that was pretty good.

Red: Dan, why don’t you just leave now? I think I preferred it when I was by myself when the pigeons were crapping on me

CHB: Okay, well I need to see if I can catch a taxi to the airport. You know, this is not like the good ole days when I could catch a ride to the airport with Scott Wedman and Jerry Sichting. The Globe won’t allow it now.

Red: Okay Dan, whatever. Good night.

CHB: Okay Red, thanks for the chat. Those 80s sure were the good ole days werent they Red? Anyways, I will be at the gym before you Red.

Red: I'm dead, Dan.

CHB: Oops, sorry about that Red. Good bye.

3 comments:

roger bournival said...

Now that's blogging! Great post, Dave M!

I really appreciated the use / skewering of 'American Pie', perhaps the most overrated song from that era. I hate that song with the fury of a 9.0 earthquake.

God damn, do I hate that fucking piece of shit fucking song...

Chris said...

Shaughnessy needs to become a card-carrying member of MoveOn.org.

Wait...being from the Globe, he probably already is.

ObjectiveBruce said...

I thought this was hysterical. Especially "The Father, Red and Johnny Most."

Nice job, Dave M.

Too bad Bournival wasn't inspired to rise above his usual trite and profane diatribe.