Write the Wrong

Here's Shaughnessy's lede from today's column:

"We had the obituary prepared."

Repeat: "We had the obituary prepared."

The Red Sox were down one run in the fifth inning, and down 2 games to 1 for the World Series. So naturally they were done.

Unreal.

Grafs later, he flip-flops on his analysis from the day before, when he wrote, "If Buchholz is good enough to pitch Sunday night, why didn't he get an assignment for one of the first three games. If he's not good enough to go, why is he getting the ball?"

Today, it's, "In 2007, Curt Schilling taught us that you can win postseason games with a high school fastball if you have sufficient smarts and location. Buchholz was barely able to break 90 on the radar gun, but he was effective for 66 pitches."

Moments later, he writes: "Boston’s winning rally started (naturally) with two outs and nobody aboard in the sixth." 

So the Sox have made a habit of never dying, yet you already "had the obituary prepared?"

 

Bad Pitch

The CHB in his page 3 of the World Series section column Sunday: 

"If Buchholz is good enough to pitch Sunday night, why didn't he get an assignment for one of the first three games. If he's not good enough to go, why is he getting the ball?"

The CHB in his page A1 column Sunday:

"[Peavy] owned the worst postseason ERA (10.71) of any big league pitcher with more than four starts. Peavy is on line to be your Game 7 starter. Gulp."

So per Shaughnessy, Peavy sucks but Buchholz still shouldn't pitch? Or perhaps he thinks John Farrell should look up Al Nipper's number?

I would like to think he actually, you know, reads what he writes. But apparently he doesn't.

Cure All

The CHB doubts Clay Buchholz is up to the task of pitching in Game 4 tonight, comparing him to Al Nipper. Forget, for the moment, that Nipper is a journeyman if ever there were one -- career won/loss of 46-50, and a 4.52 ERA -- whose best claim to fame was being Roger Clemens' drinking buddy, while Buchholz is 58-33 with 3.60 ERA in a higher octane offensive era. 

Instead, let's point out the fallacy, propogated by The CHB, that the pitcher who starts the fourth game is by definition, the fourth best pitcher. 

"If Buchholz is good enough to pitch Sunday night, why didn't he get an assignment for one of the first three games. If he's not good enough to go, why is he getting the ball?"

Well, Dan, there's this little thing called "rest." And it does wonders for injuries. You should know: It also cures hangovers.

World Series Cup - Game 2 Recap

Shank cranks out another semi-inspired column on the Red Sox - Cardinals series.

Hmm. What is this?

The St. Louis Cardinals, apparently, did not get the memo.

Visiting teams at Fenway are supposed to melt into a puddle at the mere sight of Boston’s bearded warriors. For most of this year, especially in the playoffs, Sox opponents have lost their composure and their baseball skills upon walking into Fenway Park. The John Henry/Boston Globe Red Sox (has a nice ring to it, no?) are trained to play “Three Little Birds’’ and “Sweet Caroline” over the public address system, then watch the opponents beat themselves.

Not Thursday night. Not in Game 2 of the 2013 World Series. After a Game 1 embarrassment, the Cardinals played Big Boy Baseball, beating the Red Sox, 4-2, behind the power pitching of three baby hurlers who collectively are three years younger than the vice president of the United States.

World Series Cup - Game 1 Recap

Shank gives us his rundown of the Red Sox 8-1 win over the Cardinals last night.

When do the St. Louis Cardinals get here for the 2013 World Series?

Seriously. What was that Wednesday night?

Determined to “bring the World Series Cup back to Boston” (thank you, Mr. Mayor), the Red Sox demolished the Cardinals, 8-1, in Game 1 of the 109th Fall Classic at Fenway. Jon Lester pitched 7⅔ innings of shutout ball, and the indomitable Sox lineup did more grinding than Miley Cyrus at the Video Music Awards, but the takeaway of Game 1 was the abject ineptitude of the venerable National League champions.

This looked like the 2004 World Series all over again. The Cardinals never had a lead when they were swept by the Sox in ’04 and they picked up where they left off, committing three errors, one wild pitch, and allowing four unearned runs in one of the sloppiest performances in World Series history.

Be afraid - is Shank updating his pop culture references? Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

The Near Ultimate Dan Shaughnessy Column

In seven hours the Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals will play for the 2013 World Series Cup (that's what Mayor Menino's calling it). Naturally, Shank needs to write a column about it, a tour de force which encapsulates nearly every criticism of Shank over his three decade career.

Welcome to the 2013 World Series. I have just one question.

Where’s the hate?

We have the Red Sox and the Cardinals and one giant bowl of respect. Everybody loves everybody. The opponents are all worthy.

The Sox and Cardinals both worked out at Fenway Park Tuesday, and you could have gotten diabetes from the sugar pouring out of the clubhouses.

All You Need Is Love. Love Train. This World Series is all about Parliamentary Procedure, Marquis de Queensberry Rules, and (Dave) Roberts Rules of Order.

In no particular order, this column exhibits the following: Shank attempting to create controversy, Shank inserting himself (to a degree) into the column, Shank presuming to speak for the entire Red Sox fan base ("Sorry, St. Louis, but most of us here in Boston would rather have the Dodgers in town right now."), Shank lying once again about Carl Crawford ("We’d have asked Carl Crawford why he made up all that stuff about a “toxic” atmosphere in Boston."), waxing philosophic about Harvard, lame song lyrics, a random Larry Bird reference, and sundry others.

This is a true Shaughnessy masterpiece, right up there with the Velvet Elvis...

Monkey Wrench

From a few days ago - do you think Shank's attitude changes if this deal doesn't go through?

The sale of The Boston Globe is on hold after a Worcester Superior Court judge ordered a temporary injunction on the $70 million deal to Red Sox owner John Henry, the Herald has learned.

So far, Shank's playing it safe. But does this mean John Henry's not on the hook for the losses incurred in the interim? Inquiring minds want to know!

Wrong Call / Shank On Twitter

Well, guess I was off base, expecting Shank to trash the Patriots after their loss to the New York Jets on Sunday. That will have to wait until the World Series is over, and Shank writes his next book, Reverse the Curse III - Rise of the Machines.

Also - Shank is no longer doing robo tweets on a full time basis. I applaud his occasional ability to poke fun at himself. I just wish this guy would get going again....

Change Of Vacation Plans

Here's an explanation why Shank did not write about the Patriots loss yesterday. We know that some writers and people in other professions eventually wind up losing it. You're probably in that group when you tweet something this stupid:

Downtown Detroit underrated," tweeted the "Curse of the Bambino" author. "Seriously. Friendly folks, great services, great ballpark. I would vacation here.

I'm sold - crossing off Bermuda as we speak!

When questioned if he was serious, Shaughnessy replied: "No. Love this place."

He's basically like a human "I'm a Believer" ad, except he isn't lame.

The writer, Jeff Wattrick, apparently doesn't know Shank very well.

Dropping The Ball

It's been brought up before, but why would Shank, the preeminent Nabob of Negativity in the Boston sportswriting world, pass a golden opportunity to take a world class dump on the New England Patriots after yesterday's overtime loss to the New York Jets?

But wait - there's still time! Today's Deadspin column reveals that Sunday's overtime penalty against the Patriots, a double team 'push' block on a field goal kick, was also done against New Orleans a week earlier. This push block was legal in previous years but has been ruled illegal this year. Now Shank has all the ammo he needs to take a few shots at Bill Belichick and rehash Spygate once again, or if he's willing to put in the effort, try to create a controversy over Belichick's coaching style like he tried to do three seasons ago. Surely Shank is writing a self-righteous stemwinder on this very subject as we speak?

It's Easy to Be Right When You Have No Memory

The CHB on the 2013 season:

• March 24, 2013: The question now is, “Who are you going to pick to finish in last place — the Red Sox or the Yankees?’’
• Oct. 20, 2013:   One year after enduring last-place humiliation and the worst season in 47 years, the Red Sox are AL Champions for the 13th time since 1901.

On the Sox manager:

• Aug. 24, 2012: Mike Scioscia has been manager of the Angels since 2000 and is signed through 2018. He has been on the hot seat because of the Angels’ underperformance. If the Angels want to make a switch, how about the Sox making a deal to pick up Scioscia’s contract?
• Oct. 20, 2013:  [John Farrell] was the perfect candidate to replace clown prince Bobby Valentine. 

On chemistry:

• March 31, 2013: I hate to break it to everybody, but chemistry in a baseball clubhouse is way overrated.
• Oct. 20, 2013: In the winter of 2012-13, he went after quality clubhouse veterans, players who had played in big markets and big games. He acquired Jonny Gomes, Mike Napoli, David Ross, Ryan Dempster, Uehara, and Victorino. And they all contributed mightily. They changed the clubhouse culture.

 On the ALCS:

• Oct. 20, 2013: "...eight days and six games of unforgettable baseball..."
• Oct. 20, 2013: The Sox beat the Tigers in six pulsating games.
• Oct. 20, 2013: The pace of these games is a serious threat to the erstwhile National Pastime.

So which is it?

Now You See Him...

The CHB goes almost all positive in this post-game (yikes!) TV spot.

Two exceptions: He basically says if the Red Sox don't win Game 6, they are toast. And he belittles Stephen Drew, saying "don't pitch to him like he's Ortiz."

David Ortiz vs. the Tigers: AB 19 H 2 BA .105 K 4 BB 2.

And what is going on with Shank's face? Yo, Dan, Don Zimmer wants his Gerbil eyes back.

Homecoming Weekend

With the Game 5 victory (4 - 3), the Red Sox return to Fenway for Game 6 and a possible Game 7 against the Detroit Tigers. Naturally, Shank thinks the series is in the bag, but not without a few trademark Shank cliches:

DETROIT — Ninety-seven wins begat a relatively easy first round against the Tampa Bay Tomato Cans, which begat five bombastic battles against the estimable-but-slowly-crumbling Detroit Tigers..

So a Tampa Bay pitching staff with David Price and Matt Moore, just to name two, is a so-called tomato can?

And now the 2013 Red Sox are coming home to win the American League pennant on the green, green grass of Fenway.

A bit presumptuous, are we?

The Sox put themselves in position to capture the flag by beating the Tigers, 4-3, in another grueling, midnight-hour carnival ride at Comerica Park on Thursday. The stunning surge, which started with Big Papi’s grand slam at Fenway on Sunday, carried over into Motown, where the Sons of David (Ortiz) won two of three thrillers. Four of the five games of this ALCS have been decided by one run.

So the Red Sox have won more close games then the Tigers, and Shank awards the AL crown to the Sox before the last two games are played?

And, after Shank nearly jumps off of it yesterday...

If you haven’t yet hopped on Boston’s Bearded Bandwagon, this might be the time.

Said without a hint of irony.

Half Off The Bandwagon?

With last night's loss to the Tigers, Shank is on the fence about whether or not to panic:

DETROIT — Glass half-full or glass half-empty?

Full — The Red Sox have the Tigers right where they want them. Wednesday night’s 7-3 loss is a mere speed bump on Boston’s unstoppable march to the World Series. The American League Championship Series is square at 2-2, and two of the final three will be played at Fenway Park. The Sox have their best three pitchers — Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, and John Lackey — tanned, rested, and ready to go.

Empty — It’s a miracle the Sox are even in this thing. The Tigers are better and easily could have swept the first four games. The Sox have led in only four of the 36 innings. Boston’s lineup is batting an aggregate .186. The Sox produced a conga line of K’s against a quartet of Tiger starters. Detroit has Anibal Sanchez, Max Scherzer, and Justin Verlander ready for Games 5, 6, and 7. In the first three games, those three pitchers struck out 35 Red Sox in 21 innings and compiled an ERA of 0.86.

We know Dan's a glass half-empty kind of guy; whether John Henry's ownership of the Boston Globe affects his ability or willingness to print such sentiments about the Red Sox remains to be seen.

Team Redemption?

I find Dan Shaughnessy annoying nearly all the time and at other times duplicitous and mendacious; that is not exactly a news flash to regular readers of this site. What really pisses me off is his repeated attempts at rewriting history, like no one will notice (like he was able to do before the ascent of the internet) when he tries to airbrush his own past handiwork / bashing of athletes when good things happen in the present. No finer example of this can be presented than yesterday's win by the Red Sox over the Tigers in an absolute pitching gem (emphasis mine):

DETROIT — John Lackey is the poster boy for Team Redemption.

Nobody was more loathed coming into this season.

Not even the 'Texas Tough Guy', Josh Beckett?

Lackey got blamed for chicken and beer. He got blamed for Theo Epstein’s bloated payroll. He was blamed for the collapse of 2011. He snarled at the media on that night in New York, asking who called his cellphone. Fans wanted him out of town ASAP. Folks didn’t like the way Lackey showed up his fielders and his manager. Nobody liked the results. In 2011, Lackey had the worst season (6.41 ERA) of any Sox starter in history.

I will point out for the umpteenth time this use of the passive voice by Shaughnessy, a favorite rhetorical device used by douchebag columnists to deflect blame and accountability from themselves by the things they wrote in previous columns, betting that you don't remember any of it. He is nothing short of pure chickenshit when he tries to deploy this subterfuge in a pathetically weak attempt to deflect blame from himself when he was one of the critics right out of the blocks on John Lackey:

Your turn, Josh Beckett. You, too, John Lackey. Time for the rest of the beer-swillin’, biscuit-eatin’, fried-chicken munchin’ Red Sox starting pitchers to fess up.

The 1919 Chicago White Sox had Eight Men Out. The 2011 Red Sox have Three Men and a Bucket of Popeye’s.

The Red Sox hideous off season of 2011 continues, and today we had more truth set free when Jon Lester returned a phone call from the Globe’s Pete Abraham and confirmed information which until now has been only a “sourced report’’: instead of staying on the bench pulling for their struggling teammates, Red Sox starting pitchers were back in the clubhouse drinking beer and diving into the 16-piece family meal ($31.99, includes three large sides and eight biscuits) during the 2011 season.

Then, once Lackey was on the disabled list after Tommy John surgery, it was no longer necessary for the self-righteous columnist to continue his barrage on Lackey, since he was no longer in the news. The damage was done; mission accomplished.

After Lackey beats Justin Verlander in an epic pitching duel? We're good, right?

Now everything has changed, and Tuesday at Comerica Park, Lackey had his finest hour in a Boston uniform. He beat the Detroit Tigers, 1-0, in Game 3 of the American League Championship Series. He outpitched Justin Verlander, a former Cy Young Award winner and Most Valuable Player. Lackey allowed four hits and zero walks, fanning eight before he was lifted (against his will) by manager John Farrell with two out and one aboard in the seventh.

“It was awesome, for sure,’’ said the Gomer Pyle soundalike. “I knew I was going to have to pitch pretty good today.’’
...
All the themes have changed for Lackey. Now he is viewed as a great teammate who takes care of the clubhouse workers and the rest of the “little people” around Fenway. His teammates love hanging with him. He has an unsurpassed work ethic and has lost more weight than Lenny Clarke. Despite getting little run support, he pitched very well throughout the magical 2013 season.

Unbelievable - John Lackey pitches one of the best games of his life and Shank still feels the need to further disparage and take a steaming shit on the guy. He is beneath contempt.

Other than that, I liked the column.

Milking The Theme II / Late Editing?

Shank banged out a column yesterday about the by now infamous cop in the Red Sox bullpen during Game 2's grand slam by David Ortiz in the 8th inning.

A day later, there is still so much to process and digest. You look at the instant-classic photo by the Globe’s Stan Grossfeld. You think back to the moment and you notice things.

The police officer in the photo — the guy who signaled “touchdown” in celebration of David Ortiz’s game-tying grand slam — has a Red Sox playoff beard. Steve Horgan is going to be remembered forever. As Boston’s finest. As a fan. Arms raised in celebration, beard down to his badge, Steve Horgan is part Bobby Orr, part Mike Napoli. Maybe he’ll get his own statue one day.

Of course, Grossfeld (egged on by Shank?) makes the only comparison he can:

“It’s like Paul McCartney on the cover of ‘Abbey Road’ in his bare feet,’’

Did part of this column get swept under the rug?

cheezwhiz10/14/13 06:52 PM

If there's ever a conspiracy theory about this game, the lady in the pink hat will be a central figure.

Did she already know the outcome of the game?

Rizfoshiz10/14/13 07:07 PM

I am pretty sure she is sitting in a wheelchair

cheezwhiz10/15/13 06:43 AM

Oops. Sorry about that.

If you read this story last night, Shaughnessey had a line about the lady in the pink hat being the only one not standing. That line has since been edited out.

It's not like Shank to be insensitive about other people's disabilities; Jeff Stone, anyone?

Repeating Himself

David Ortiz smashes a line drive into the Boston bullpen, breaking a long string of Red Sox futility against the Tigers in the ALCS.

This just hours after Tom Brady threw an amazing corner fade for a touchdown to beat the Saints.

Two exhilirating, exhausting games. Perhaps that's why what we get from Shank is a tired lede ("Close your eyes and it is 2004 all over again."), a tease for the Pats game, and a Red Sox game recap so full of cliche ("All hope seemed lost at Yawkey Way.") and mangled prose ("Papi struck on the first pitch. There was little doubt as his heat-seeking missile screeched toward the Sox bullpen.") that somehow managed to suck the life out of what was one of the great finishes in team history.

"Close your eyes and it is 2004 all over again,"  indeed. If that means we must endure nine more years of this tripe, kill us now.

Back in Time

Oh my goodness. It's the ALCS, and against all odds the Red Sox are hosting, and what does The CHB want to rehash?

"Nomar Garciaparra ... who hated every minute of his final half-season with the John Henry Red Sox in 2004."

And here's what passes for analysis: "The Sox will need more than one hit if they want to sell authentic ALCS celebration champagne bottles before the World Series."

Thanks, Dan!

Old School Column

On the day the American League Championship Series starts between the Red Sox and the Detroit Tigers, you get the column you expect from Shank.

I might be way off base, but I don't think Shank's terribly fond of Tampa or the Rays:

No Cirque du Trop in this round. No fish tank in right-center, no Catwalk B overhead, no new-age manager wearing trendy eyeglasses and reinventing baseball with sabermetric shifts and conga lines of relievers.

Welcome back to old-school hardball for the American League Championship Series.

In this round, we get a chain-smoking manager who wears rubber-spiked baseball shoes. We get the best home uniforms in all of sports, and all games played in the heart of real American cities. Uncle Bud Selig is also giving us 34-year veteran umpire Joe West and a couple of day games for the kiddos.

Playoff baseball in October sunshine. Imagine.

You Can't Hit If You Don't Swing

Sometimes I just don't understand Our Man Shank. For the second time in a week, he's passed on a prime opportunity for Patriots bashing:

To recap: Gronk originally broke the arm against the Colts in November. The Patriots and he opted to surgically install a plate so he'd ideally be back for the playoffs; the surgery was performed by Patriots doctor Tom Gill. Gronk broke the same arm again in the Patriots' playoff game against the Texans. Over the offseason, the plate created an infection, so Gronk went back for surgery to clean it out. In total, Gronk underwent three additional surgeries on his arm before it was clean. It was a long summer. But this report from Mike Petraglia of WEEI uses sources who claim that Gronk might have returned sooner if the arm break healed by itself:

One source with direct knowledge of the initial forearm surgery told WEEI.com Thursday night that there is “serious concern” about the integrity of the bone where the implement was placed and the surrounding nerves. The source indicated that if the bone had healed on its own without an implement, there would have been no infection. However, there now are concerns that an abscess developed, causing infection and seriously weakening the bone. This prompted three more surgeries in the offseason on the forearm, separate from the procedure on his back.

So, reportedly, Gill's hasty surgery compromised what could have been a much easier recovery for Gronk. Dr. James Andrews, who didn't perform any of the surgeries, will make the final decision about Gronk's availability this week, not Gill. The Patriots kept Gronk off of the revocable IR in hopes of his return; he still hasn't played a snap. If Gronk ends up not returning this week, this all seems even dumber.

This is an unbelievable chance for Shank to get on his high horse Shetland pony and crap on management and ownership like no one's business. In baseball terms, it's a hanging curve down the middle of the plate. What gives? It's not like the Patriots' owner also owns the local broadsheet newspaper...

Pink Champagne Iced And Uncorked - II

To no one's surprise, Shank wraps up the Red Sox win in today's column. To my surprise he did not go with lame lyrics written by guys who are now collecting Social Security checks.

The column itself is quality, but there's a few nits to be picked:

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — For six months the Red Sox have been under the radar, working their magic at Fenway Park in relative obscurity. While the Bruins skated into the Stanley Cup Final and Doc Rivers and Wes Welker walked away from Boston, the Sox grew beards, bonded in fraternity style, and ran away with the American League East.

Now the Redemption Tour goes national. John Henry and Larry Lucchino’s “scrappy underdogs” Wednesday morning finished off the Tampa Bay Rays, 3-1, at the Cirque-du-Trop. Winning the ALDS, three games to one, the Sox advanced to the American League Championship Series (opening Saturday at Fenway against the A’s or the Tigers) for the fifth time in 11 years.

I'm not inclined to keep referring to this Red Sox team as the 'Redemption Tour'; I think they've already redeemed themselves by the time they won the A.L. East title.

During spring training, Shank mocked the notion of team chemistry as a contributing factor in a team's success; now it's a selling point:

Get ready, America. Prepare for a bombardment of Boston baseball discovery. The Red Sox are back. They look like the old House of David barnstormers. They genuinely love one another and they have rewritten their sad story line from 2011-12.

I believe it's a little too late to be sucking up to certain management figures in the Red Sox organization, but he gives it the old college try:

Yale has been very good to the Red Sox through the years. Yale gave the Red Sox Thomas Yawkey, Theo Epstein, and Larry Lucchino (Yale law). Now a Yalie gets the win in the ALDS clincher.

Remember when Shank used to love ripping Jacoby Ellsbury? Not anymore!

Bogaerts moved to third on a two-out single by Jacoby Ellsbury (nine hits in the series).

Other than that, it was a good column...

Pink Champagne Iced And Uncorked

The Red Sox win their ALDS series against the Tampa Bay Rays early this morning, 3 -1, in a painfully long game clocking in at just under four hours. It will be interesting to see what lame, decades old song lyric Shank will use to commemorate this achievement.

It's Why They Play The Game

Two days after Shank's ridiculous column, practically whining about having to go to Tampa to play Game 3 of the ALDS, the Red Sox lost said game, 5 - 4, and brings the possibility of the Dreaded Shaughnessy Curse^TM to the fore. The only thing more painful (for Red Sox fans, anyways) is Shank's opening:

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — The Red Sox were inches from a clean getaway. They had mirrors on the ceiling and pink champagne on ice in the visitors clubhouse at Tropicana Field.

I don't expect much from Shank's column, and he delivers once again...

Is Shank Losing It?

Maybe the better question is 'Did he ever have it?'.

After the Patriots lost to the Cincinnati Bengals yesterday, 13 - 6, it would seem only natural and expected of Shank to capitalize on the first loss of the season. Bang out a column (or just reuse one of the many from previous seasons), point out all the team's shortcomings, take some shots at Bill Belichick & Bob Kraft, complain about Patriot Place & CBS Scene, etc., and presto - instant Shank column with minimal prep. time, ready in 45 minutes!

Ron Borges knows the score, and when it comes to their disdain for the Patriots, these guys are practically joined at the hip. So what happened?

The Ultimate Weathervane

I've had the displeasure of reading Dan Shaughnessy's columns for over three decades. During this time, many themes have arisen about this columnist's abilities, and moreso, the lack thereof.

A mere forty eight hours ago, the Boston Globe's 'ace sports columnist' (a phrase we should use very, very loosely) lectured Red Sox fans about not taking the team's success for granted. You would expect some semblance of consistently in subsequent columns about the playoff success of the Red Sox, wouldn't you?

Today's column, in that regard, can only be described as epic fail:

Do we really have to go to Tampa/St. Pete? Can’t we just forgo the formalities and let the Red Sox advance to the American League Championship Series on sheer style, dominance, karma, and duende?

The Duck Dynasty/ZZ Top/Fidel Castro Red Sox look unbeatable at this hour. They bested the fatigued Rays, 7-4, at Fenway Park again on Saturday night and will send 12-1 Clay Buchholz to the mound to finish the series Monday.

The Sox look like the best team in baseball. No team won more regular-season games (97), and the Sox have played even better in the first two games of the playoffs. They won the opener, 12-2, with every man in the lineup registering at least one hit and one run. It was more of the same Saturday night (eight of nine starters got hits) as the John Farrell All-Stars bolted to a 5-1 lead, then cruised. David Ortiz hit two monstrous home runs. In games started by Matt Moore and David Price, the Sox have 19 runs and 25 hits.

I abandoned any further response to Shank's shameless, massively contradictory column once I found this absolute gem in the comments section:

FiveIslands
10/06/2013 09:45 AM

It does feel like abuse, picking up the globe and reading another one of these tiresome Shaughnessy columns filled with snarky comments declaring premature victory over an opposing team. What Dan, no calling the Rays frauds like you did the Texans last winter in the playoffs?

Of course the great Dan-o is always so right ... except when he is so wrong. Like when he went on TV with "Miss Heidi" (by the way Dan has she taken out a restraining order yet?) to pronounce the Sox were a lock for the 2011 playoffs in a middle of a rain delay in Baltimore. Or when he spent a week in California, in 2009, antagonizing the Angels by asking every player on that team the reasons why they had never been able to beat the Sox in the post season, and then proclaiming certain victory for the Sox in the Globe. Of course the Red Sox went on to be swept 3-0 by the Angels. Or enduring a week of Shaughnessy saying, before the 2010 AFC Divisional playoffs, that the Pats were a lock because Brady never loses playoff games in Foxborough and the Jets were exposed when the Patriots steamrolled them earlier in the year; and then seeing the Pats lose 28-21.

I place the time period when Dan-o started writing these columns around 2005, after Carl Everett "Shaughnessyed" Shaughnessy by called him a "curly haired boyfriend" of another writer. Too bad Carl didn't stuff him in a locker for all of enternity so we wouldn't have to endure the subsequent decade of Shaughnessy columns.

Word, brother...

Milking The Theme

Granted, that's been a theme since this site started operations eight years ago, but in the 12 - 2 Red Sox win over the Tampa Bay Rays yesterday, the game turned on a dropped fly ball to right field in the fourth inning. David Ortiz hit that ball that had the look of a two run home run, but Wil Myers, the Rays' right fielder, dropped the ball. Shank gets an entire column out of that play.

Bonehead Merkle forgot to touch second base. Mickey Owen dropped a third strike. Bill Buckner let that silly grounder slip between the wickets.

And Wil Myers let a fly ball drop for a ground-rule double.

“It was my fault,’’ Myers said. “I was calling for the ball. I messed it up. I should have made the play.’’

It’s not often that you have a game-changing play in a 12-2 ballgame, but this was one of those times. Myers’s misplay in the fourth inning of Boston’s Division Series-opening blowout victory changed everything for the Red Sox and Rays.

Nice touch, the Bill Buckner reference...

Team Taken For Granted

As the start of the American League Division looms in a few hours, Shank issues a blissfully unaware warning to members of Red Sox Nation:

Do not take the Red Sox’ success for granted

More on that in a moment. The column itself isn't bad, or mailed in, or any of that:

In the summer of 1976, nine months after the Greatest World Series Ever, the Red Sox acquired an outfielder named Bobby Darwin, and young Dwight Evans greeted his new teammate with, “You’re going to enjoy the Fall Classic.’’

“What Classic is that?’’ asked Darwin.

“The Fall Classic,’’ said Evans. “The World Series.’’

Dewey was 24 years old, full of energy and innocence. He’d enjoyed the 1975 Series immensely. He was surrounded by a cast of All-Stars, most in their athletic prime, and he figured the World Series was going to be part of his annual autumn routine.

He got back there only once, 10 years after his conversation with Darwin.

Which brings us to the 2013 Red Sox and guys like Dustin Pedroia, Jon Lester, Jacoby Ellsbury, and David Ortiz. All played a big role in the World Series sweep of 2007. Ortiz was Boston’s Mr. October in the magical fall of 2004.

What's interesting about this column is the theme - don't take things for granted, right?

Then Theo Epstein assembled a transcendent team, a team that could win 100 games, dubbed “Best Team Ever” by a Boston tabloid before a game was played. That team folded in September of 2011, triggering the exits of Epstein, Terry Francona, Jonathan Papelbon, and, eventually, Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, and Josh Beckett.

From a column around that time, it sure looked like Shank was taking the success of the Red Sox for granted, to a degree.

Well, until it's time to not take the Red Sox for granted:

“The question now is, 'Who are you going to pick to finish in last place — the Red Sox or the Yankees?' ’’

I understand that teams change, and so should opinions, but I think the theme of this column is just a bit forced.

Things You Learn Every Day

Did you know you could search the ESPN website for Shank columns and appearances on certain ESPN media?

There are one or two links to Colin Cowherd's radio show that at some level involve Shank. I can't wait to miss that...

DHL Dan - XXIV

On occasion it's obvious that Shank writes a column because he has to. Sunday's column is one of them.

And I'm mailing in this post in honor of Shank's 'effort'!

Thank You, Mr. Spock

Fewer people have a better fundamental command of the obvious than Our Man Shank:

It’s important for Red Sox to finish first

You read it here first, folks!

While it may be unsporting to mock a columnist for writing something like that, it should be noted that Shank does a pretty good job of explaining the scenarios faced by the Red Sox in the upcoming weeks, best noted in the following paragraphs:

Finishing ahead of Oakland matters, and not simply because of home field. It matters because the team with the best overall record is going to play a frazzled, tired, pitching-depleted opponent in a best-of-five series starting at home a week from Friday. For the Sox, it means staying home and playing a best-of-five against the Rays, Indians, or Rangers. More important, it means not playing a first-round series against the Detroit Tigers.

The difference is enormous. There are no sure things in playoff competition, but your goal is to put yourself in the best position to advance. If the Sox play the Rays, Indians, or Rangers, they should advance; they will be playing a team that struggles through the final weekend to get into a wild-card game, uses one of its best pitchers to win a wild-card game on Wednesday, then travels to Boston to open a best-of-five at Fenway. The Sox went 6-1 against the Indians this year. They went 12-7 against Tampa Bay. They went 2-4 against Texas, but in September of 2013 the Rangers have looked a little like the Red Sox of September 2011.

Throw in a comparison to the Patriots playoff runs, and it's a wrap.

His Reputation Precedes Him - II

The guys at Deadspin did a column on pompous columnists today, selecting fourteen columnists they regard as the worst of the lot.

Of all the stupid rhetorical plays columnists use—issuing thundering imperatives, positioning their banal opinions as the exact midpoints between varieties of unyielding madness, championing their cronies' worthless businesses as examples of the disciplinary power of markets, etc. etc.—the funniest are always the ones that reveal they truly do regard themselves as small stars, able to fix planets in orbit around them through the gravitational pull of their self-regard.

You'll never, ever guess who one of those columnists is!

One interesting finding that came up in the course of our research concerns collective pronouns: Dan Shaughnessy, the self-appointed tribune of all Boston fandom, managed to use "we," "our," and "us" more than anyone except Whitlock. (He in fact used "we" in all but one of the 25 columns we examined.)

I think there are at least two reasons for that: it's a way of making yourself part of the story without being bloody obvious about it, and it's also part of a rhetorical device used to speak 'for the fans'.

We think the findings, for what they're worth, bear out what we've always thought - there are many words and phrases we can use to describe Shank, but 'massively pompous' isn't one of them...

His Reputation Precedes Him

Searching for Shank columns (so you don't have to!), I ran across this soccer column at SB Nation. Brian Stultz has his number:

I expect Aaron Ramsey to save an orphanage full of children from a blazing fire the way he has been going lately. If this was an American sport, every sports columnist would be accusing him of PED use. I would love to know who the British equivalent of Dan Shaughnessy is. Wait, no I don't. I already despise that guy and I don't even know who it is yet.

Dan Shaughnessy - making friends & influencing people...

UPDATE AT 5:35 PM -Title corrected for the missing third 'e' in 'Precedes'...

Number 8

A few days ago, a statue of Carl Yastrzemski went up outside of Fenway Park. Shank was there, and we get a pretty good column out of it with lots of details.

John Harvard, Samuel Adams, Joseph Hooker, Paul Revere, James Michael Curley, Make Way For Ducklings.

Famous local statues, all.

Now make way for Yaz.

Carl Yastrzemski’s statue was dedicated outside Gate B at Fenway Park Sunday morning. At long last, the top performer in pennant-race history is cast in bronze outside the hardball house where he made his magic.
“It’s a tremendous honor,’’ Yaz said after the 40-minute ceremony. “This statue means as much to me as being inducted into the Hall of Fame and having my number retired.’’

Boston’s team owners and city fathers are assembling a nice little Freedom Trail dedicated to Hub sports. You can rub Red Auerbach’s bald pate as you stroll through Faneuil Hall Marketplace, salute Bobby Orr on the way into North Station, stare into the eyes of Cy Young in front of Churchill Hall at Northeastern, and admire Doug Flutie’s “Hail Mary” form outside BC’s Alumni Stadium. Pretty soon we’ll be toasting Bill Russell at City Hall Plaza, and the Sox already have immortalized Ted Williams and his “teammates” (Bobby Doerr, Dominic DiMaggio, and Johnny Pesky) at the intersection of Ipswich and Van Ness streets.

Will Shank Be His First Guest?

Look who might be getting a slot on afternoon radio in Boston:

WEEI’s interest in making Curt Schilling a more prominent part of its programming is at least as real as one of his legendary bloody socks from the 2004 postseason.

The station’s management has spoken to the former Red Sox pitcher about taking on a significant role at the station, possibly as a drive-time co-host. The strong belief here after talking to a number of industry sources is that Schilling can have the job if he wants it.

The 2-6 p.m. program is currently hosted by Mike Salk and Michael Holley, with the former having taken over for Glenn Ordway in March.

I don't listen to sports talk radio all that much aside from the occasional Felger & Mazz blast, but a review of the comments on the Schilling article reminded me of something - WEEI's been changing their lineups with great enough frequency, it's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. As a result, listeners are continuing to bail on WEEI for 98.5 The Sports Hub. I guess the next (obvious) question is - when does WEEI go the way of WBCN, WODS & WFNX?

Are You Not Entertained?

Maybe you will be, maybe you won't. Clear your calendars early next year and head down to Norwell, MA:

Norwell's Company Theater 2014 special events include Dan Shaughnessy, Jimmy Tingle

The Company Theater of Norwell special performances for the 2014 season include an eclectic lineup of music, comedy, drama and the 1980s. (J)an. 3 – Author and sports writer Dan Shaughnessy (“Francona”) talks Sox.

Not mentioned in the article is whether Shank's appearance is classified as comedy or the 1980's, or both...

DHL Dan - XXIII

I had a feeling this morning that it's about time for Shank to churn out another turd, and sure enough, he delivers:

Picked-up pieces while waiting for the Red Sox’ first playoff victory since Oct. 18, 2008, at the Trop.

■ Wes Welker has missed three games since 2004. Danny Amendola has missed 21 of his last 34 games and now looks like he is out for another 3-4 weeks because of a groin strain/possible muscle tear.

■ Lots of talk about “The Manning Bowl” on CBS Sunday. Peyton vs. Eli. Peyton won (even though Welker dropped a few). Swell. But those of us from New England think of the Manning Bowl as the sports palace in Lynn that was high school home of Harry Agganis and Tony Conigliaro, and also featured a concert by the Rolling Stones in June of 1966. Our Manning Bowl, the real Manning Bowl, was demolished in 2004.

The only semi-interesting part of the column relates to the new ownership at the Boston Globe:

■ Life works in strange ways. The owner of the Red Sox happens to be buying the dominant news institution in our region at the precise moment when the Red Sox are performing at a level that makes them almost above criticism. Perpetrating one of the most amazing turnarounds in baseball history, the Sox may make it to the World Series. The praise and gushing that comes with this is hard earned and well deserved, but it nevertheless will invite suspicion because of an unsolvable conflict of interest. Too bad. Nothing really changes. When good things happen, we write good things. When bad things happen, the coverage is not as favorable. Prepare for the deification of this ball club. Thus far in 2013, the Red Sox are more than worthy.

Writing nice things about the Red Sox? Not being able to rag on Jacoby Ellsbury at will? The horror!

Then again, if Shank's smart, he sees this instead as an opportunity and is already writing a book about this year's Red Sox team: Reverse The Curse III - Rise of The Machines...

UPDATE, 9/19/2013, 10:35 A.M. - Reader John G. points out the link to Shank's mailed-in effort is incorrect, so it's been fixed. It was a great link, if you're selling your C corporation...

How Soon He Forgets

So now the Red Sox are the "most endearing, clutch, unlikely, loveable bunch" since the Carl Yastrzemski-led Impossible Dreamers of 1967.

2004, then, must have retreated ever so deeply into the recesses of Shaughnessy's scotch-infused brain. Does it really get more clutch than facing the best closer in the history of baseball while down a run in the ninth inning and down 3-0 in a best of four series against your longtime nemesis, only to come back and win? Sounds like something only Larry Bird could ..., oh wait, now I sound like him.


Suggestion: Never compare your future boss to Tom Yawkey, a notorious racist and likely the leading reason the Sox went 86 years without a World Series crown.

Hits and Misses

The CHB today suggests that by hitting Alex Rodriguez last month, the Red Sox might have kicked a hornet's nest: "We might end up looking back at that particular hit by pitch as part of what turned everything around for the Yankees."

Let's ignore that simply getting A-Rod and his .864 OPS back in the Yankees lineup, replacing the automatic outs they had been trotting out to the hot corner all season, is the rational reason.

And while we are at it, let's also ignore how just last April, The CHB had given up both teams for dead.

Hey trees! There's the forest!

At Least They're 2 - 0!

The Patriots beat the Jets, 13-10 last night. It wasn't a pretty game to watch.

You know the drill by now - when a local team's at its worst, Shank's at his best.

FOXBOROUGH — Dropped balls. Poorly run routes. Penalties. Reviews. Interminable commercial breaks. Eleven Patriot punts. The Patriots converting four of 18 third downs. Tom Brady’s worst game in at least four years. Frustration bubbling over.

It’s like Gisele says, Tom cannot throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. He looks like he’s reached his boiling point as Bob Kraft and Bill Belichick ask him to throw passes to Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch.

The Patriots staggered and sloshed to a 13-10 victory over the Jets Thursday night. It was virtually unwatchable professional football. In the words of my new favorite Twitter friend, it was like watching a start by Daisuke Matsuzaka. Brady completed only 19 of 39 passes for 185 yards. It was his first sub .500 percentage game since 2009.
...
OK, we won’t. But here’s a little hyperbole for you: The 2013 Patriots look like the worst 2-0 team in the history of football. “The Waltz of the Tomato Cans” is playing over the loudspeaker at Gillette. Again. The locals are artificially inflated by the incompetence of their division opponents. Again.

The 2013 home opener was primarily about Missing Persons. It was about the people who were not there more than it was about the people who were.

You know who.

We then get the modified Rick Pitino rant on who's not walking through that door, etc. Wonder if Shank tries to milk another column out of this game?

The Hunt For October

Now that the Boston Red Sox have taken three of four from the New York Yankees, Shank looks forward a few weeks, as the Red Sox are all but assured of a playoff spot.

NEW YORK — It’s not about the day-to-day wins and losses anymore. It’s about October.

In another year, the end of Sunday’s Red Sox-Yankees game might make us reach into the Way Back Machine and speak of Bob Stanley clanging a wild pitch off the glove of Rich Gedman. We might be talking about buzzard luck, September swoons, and damn Yankees.

Not this time. Not now.

The Sox were beaten by the Yankees, 4-3, and allowed the winning run to score when Brandon Workman uncorked a high heater off the mitt of Jarrod Saltalamacchia with Ichiro Suzuki on third and two outs in the bottom of the ninth.

By the way, did you know Jacoby Ellsbury has a foot injury? We can't have too many reminders:

But the bigger news was the announcement that Jacoby Ellsbury has a compression fracture in his right foot. The Sox say he’ll play again this season, but we’ve been down this path before.

Yes, we have, and many times before that, every time Ellsbury's been injured, in fact.

And just in case you missed it the first time in the column:

But as good as things look right now, the uncertainty about Ellsbury is going to dog them for the rest of the regular season.

What about the uncertainty about Clay Buchholz? Shank's not terribly interested in that angle. This is just further evidence that at all times, Shank needs at least one member of the Red Sox, past or present, to beat the crap out of.

Foot Fault

Let's pretend, shall we?

Let's pretend The CHB cared about something more than a paycheck, free drinks at The Fours and alienating sports fans for being sports fans.

Let's pretend Shank isn't mocking when he says the "good scenario is [Jacoby Ellsbury] leads the Sox to a World Series title, then sign[s] a long-term contract extension and gets his No. 2 on the right-field facade ...."

Let's pretend Shank didn't compare the loss of Ellsbury to the loss of Jim Rice late in the '75 season, and that he didn't write the Sox lost "firepower" when Rice went down. Let's pretend The CHB had looked up the research and learned that in his place Bernie Carbo hit .429, slugged 1.429 and hit 2 homers in Rice's place, and had Dick Williams played him more, the World Series that year might have had a very different outcome.

Let's pretend a Sox player could have an injury without The CHB, in describing it, dredging up every single negative thing that ever happened to said player.

Let's pretend Shank is a real human being.

Then let's get back to reality, because pretending is for kids, not for adult sports fans, and certainly not for over-the-hill sportswriters who so clearly hate sports.

7.5 Games Up, The CHB Finally Gives In

So now he acknowledges it... Little late to jump on the Sox bandwagon, Shankster.

Wrong Again, Redux

“The question now is, 'Who are you going to pick to finish in last place — the Red Sox or the Yankees?' ’’ -- The CHB, March 24, 2013 American League standings as of this afternoon:
EAST	W	L	PCT	GB
Boston	85	57	.599	-
Tampa Bay	77	52	.554	6.5
NY Yankees	75	65	.536	9
Baltimore	74	65	.532	9.5
Toronto	64	76	.457	20

If the Red Sox keep playing like this, The CHB will have to turn his attention to the Celtics in order to find someone to bash.

Metaphor Alert

The Red Sox beat the Yankees yesterday, 9 to 8, in ten innings. Shank had a lot of fun writing about it:

NEW YORK — Was it 2003 or 2004?

Was it Grady or Tito?

Quintin Berry or Dave Roberts?

Mariano Rivera or Mariano Rivera?

Alfonso Soriano or Bonehead Merkle?

Tim Wakefield, Keith Foulke, or Koji Uehara?

The high-flying Red Sox came to the Large Apple Thursday night and we saw a regular-season game for the ages. Absolutely everything happened. In the end, the hardball gods were with the Sox, just as they have been all season. Soriano ran the Yankees out of an inning, Cowboy Joe West blew a call, Mike Napoli and Shane Victorino got the big hits, and Uehara was perfect again. Oh, and the son of a former Red Sox outfielder couldn’t handle a throw from Ichiro, which allowed the winning run to score.

I'm guessing flashback...

More Is Less

Continuing the theme with Sunday's empty and pointless column, Shank writes about yesterday's Deutsche Bank Champoinship in Norton, Mass., won by Henrik Stenson of Sweden.

And what other things has Sweden bestowed upon the world?

NORTON — Thank you, Sweden. Thank you for “Dancing Queen,” the Nobel Prize, Volvos, Ingemar Johansson, Ingrid Bergman, Bjorn Borg, P.J. Axelsson, and the Sedin twins.

Lastly, thanks for Henrik Stenson, winner of the rain-soaked 2013 Deutsche Bank Championship at TPC Boston.

Does this qualify as cheap ethnic stereotyping?

Fortunately, this should be his last golf column for the year. It's not often Shank puts together two successive columns that has many words in them, yet says so little.

Mixed Bag

I'm not sure what to make about today's 'effort' by Shank.

Add one part name-dropping:

NORTON — We get all the big names in sports around here.

Rich, famous, infamous — they all take their turn in New England. Tom Brady and David Ortiz live here. LeBron James was in Boston in March, Mr. Stanley Cup appeared on the Garden ice in June, and Peyton Manning will be at the Razor in November.

Alex Rodriguez was in town two weeks ago. A-Rod was right in the middle of his latest crisis when Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster plunked him on “Sunday Night Baseball.”

Let’s not forget Tim Tebow. The most famous backup quarterback of all time played his final preseason game for the Patriots Thursday night and Saturday was told he did not make New England’s 53-man roster for the 2013 season. Very big news.

...one part Tiger Woods:

Last, but never least, we have the world famous Tiger Woods playing the Deutsche Bank Championship at TPC Boston this weekend. Woods shot 67 Saturday to finish Day 2 at 7 under, six strokes off the lead and in a 10-way tie for 20th.

...and one part interview / backhanded compliment:

Tiger talked college football with some media members after his round Saturday. I asked him if he’d been able to watch the second half at Gillette Thursday. He said he’d only stayed for the first quarter.

“Oh, so you missed Tebow then,’’ I offered.

“I saw it on TV,’’ said Tiger.

Did you hear that he did not make the team?

“No,’’ said Woods.

Well, he didn’t make the team.

“That’s obviously Bob and Bill’s decision,’’ said Tiger.

Yikes. He’s even starting to talk like the Hoodie.

...and you get a not quite bad, and not quite good column out of it.

At least with this year's installment, Shank spared us the discussion of where Tiger goes to take a piss on the golf course, so there's that...

Welcome To The Jungle

Shank sat in for Michael Felger today on 98.5 The Sports Hub radio show Friday afternoon, co-hosting with Tony Massarotti. The first half-hour had one guest, Ron Borges of the Boston Herald. Borges co-wrote the Rolling Stone article on Aaron Hernandez that came out on Wednesday and has dominated local sports talk radio ever since. Borges largely defended the article.

The second half of the hour featured weekly Friday guest Jerry Thornton of Barstool Sports. I've come here to say that Jerry is my newest hero. While I'm not familiar with Jerry's previous dealings with him, if any, Shank feigned (disingenuously, in my opinion) ignorance of Thornton and his work with Barstool Sports. Jerry then proceeded to lay into Shank and absolutely mauled him for the next few minutes, bringing up past works of art like this one and I believe this one, and mentioned past battles with Curt Schilling, and a few others. It was a pleasant walk down memory lane!

While it's possible I'm overreacting to what I thought was a complete beatdown of Shank, especially those first three minutes, I thought for a second - 'Is this guy's name Jerry Thornton or Shawn Thornton?' After a few minutes of that, Mazz finally stepped in to give Shank a standing eight count, then they went back at it to the top of the hour, mainly discussing the Rolling Stone article and Patriots related stuff.

This post cannot do that segment justice. Audio link is here.

UPDATE, 10:52 am - Here's the other column mentioned by Jerry Thornton.

Fear Factor

After a 13-2 Red Sox win over the Baltimore Orioles, Our Man Shank accentuates the positive.

No one knows where this Red Sox season is headed. Every time the Sox start to slide, they do something to make you think maybe they can play deep into October. Case in point, Tuesday night’s 13-2 win over the Orioles. We know that this season is a gift, and suddenly there’s hope that it might be magical.

The only thing I know for sure is that somehow, someway, the Orioles are going to be a factor. That’s just the way it is with these two teams as we prepare for the final month of the 2013 baseball season.

The Sox crushed the Orioles Tuesday night but are still scheduled to play the Buck Showalter All-Stars eight more times in the final 29 games. The Sox finish their season with three games at Camden Yards, a schedule quirk that scares all thinking Red Sox fans.

Need we remind anybody that it was in Baltimore that the wheels fell off at the end of September 2011? Remember Robert Andino? The Sox lost two of their final three games in ugly fashion, triggering the departures of Terry Francona, Theo Epstein, Jonathan Papelbon, Marco Scutaro, Josh Reddick, and Heidi Watney. New England’s nuclear baseball winter led to the worst Red Sox season in 47 years.

And it all started in Baltimore.

There is considerable hardball history involving these Eastern Seaboard franchises.

Ted Williams hit his final home run against the Orioles in 1960. Willie Tasby — the guy who once took off his spikes while playing during a thunderstorm — played for both teams. The great Earl Weaver Orioles of the 1970s annually tortured the Red Sox, especially in 1974 when the Sox held a seven-game lead on Aug. 23, yet finished third, seven games behind the surging Birds.

Weaver tried to scare a nervous Sox Nation again a year later when he came to Fenway to face the first-place Sox in September and warned, “We’ve crawled out of more coffins than Bela Lugosi.’’

This is how Shank will continue to 'criticize' the Red Sox - keep bringing up the negative stuff from the past, and avoid direct mention of Red Sox management and ownership.

We Love L.A.!

After the Red Sox wrap up a series against the Los Angeles Dodgers on Sunday night, beating them 8 - 1, Shank sums up the road trip, and the series.

LOS ANGELES — On the one-year anniversary of the biggest trade in baseball history, the first-place Red Sox hit three homers, got a three-hitter from Jake Peavy, and defeated the first-place Dodgers, 8-1.

There was plenty of off-the-field action before the rubber game of the potential World Series matchup.

Pregame in the Sox clubhouse, we had Ryan Dempster explaining the he was not upset when David Ortiz told USA Today he “didn’t like” Dempster hitting A-Rod last weekend. In the dugout, John Farrell said he was OK with Jon Lester’s snappishness after Lester was pulled from Saturday’s brilliant start. Behind the batting cage we had Adrian Gonzalez talking to some of his ex-Sox teammates who pretended to be happy to see the Cooler.

Carl Crawford, meanwhile, continued to avoid anyone who’s ever set foot in Boston and said he would never eat the cream pie for which the city is named. In front of the Sox dugout, we had Dr. Charles Steinberg, who once worked for Frank and Jamie McCourt, and got fingered as the guy who assembled a position paper for Jamie’s planned presidential campaign.

While all this was going down, Janet Marie Smith, the Hall of Fame-bound architect who rebuilt Fenway before she was unceremoniously dismissed by the Sox in 2009, graciously walked her former Boston bosses (Red Sox/Globe owner John Henry, Linda Pizzuti, Tom Werner, Larry and Stacey Lucchino) around the famous LA ballyard. The unfailingly polite Smith has overseen a stunning renovation of Dodger Stadium and can make any situation comfortable.

Then, just when it felt like things couldn’t get any more awkward, ESPN analyst Curt Schilling walked into the pressbox.

Yeesh. Talk about no place to hide . . .

I wonder if they exchanged pleasantries?

Throw in a Larry Bird reference, and it's done.

Vin Scully

Since the Red Sox are playing the L.A. Dodgers this weekend, it makes sense to have a column on Vin Scully.

Ted Williams, Jimi Hendrix, Bill Russell, Leonardo Da Vinci, Jim Brown, Winston Churchill, Bobby Orr, Yo-Yo Ma, Muhammad Ali . . .

And Vin Scully.

The best who ever lived.

On Friday, the Dodgers announced that Scully will be back as team broadcaster for his 65th year in 2014. A humbled Scully, now 85, gracefully participated in a press conference, telling the assembled media that he wished the Dodgers had simply released the news with a single line in the evening’s game notes.

In all of sports, there is nothing like the Scully-Dodgers relationship. Ernie Harwell was the sweet honey voice of the Tigers for a million years and Marv Albert has been the signature caller of the Knicks forever. We came to associate Keith Jackson with college football and Al Michaels with believing in miracles. Boston has been graced with the iconic Curt Gowdy, the mellow Ned Martin, Drano-gargling Johnny Most, steady Gil Santos, puckish Fred Cusick, and pom-pom Joe Castiglione, who moved thousands of “can you believe it?” bottle openers after the Red Sox finally won in 2004.

And now have pom-pom Dan Shaughnessy, who moved thousands of books after the Red Sox finally won in 2004.

The Day Skynet Became Self-Aware

Shank wonders aloud why his good buddies Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez (& Josh Beckett) won't talk to him anymore.

Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford won’t talk about Red Sox

Truth in advertising - Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford won’t talk to me about Red Sox

LOS ANGELES — I am standing in the swanky, though not overly spacious, Dodgers clubhouse. It is just after 3:30 p.m. Friday and the room has just been opened to the media. No sign of Josh Beckett. No sign of Adrian Gonzalez. No sign of Carl Crawford.

I am not discouraged. I have emptied bigger rooms than this.

This should surprise none of us! Surely he didn't just figure this out?

Suddenly, Crawford is at his locker. A radio guy is with him and it looks like they might be planning an interview for later. I walk toward Carl. He sees me and bolts for the door that leads to the “no media” area with the food room and trainer’s room.

Shank not scoring free food; war has just been declared...

Carl is muttering something as he disappears into the safe haven. From my distance, all I made out is, “[expletive] talk to the [expletive] Boston media . . . ’’

What could have ever been responsible for this change of heart, I wonder?

It’s not like we weren’t warned. Back on Wednesday in San Francisco, Boston reporters asked Red Sox PR people to approach Dodgers PR people to see if Crawford and Gonzalez would be made available before the first game in Los Angeles. Early Friday afternoon, we got word that Carl and the Cooler (Gonzalez in the last three seasons has been part of historic folds by the Padres, Red Sox, and Dodgers, hence, “the Cooler”) would not be speaking with us.

“You can try,’’ a Dodgers PR guy told me. “But that’s what they’re telling us. Adrian was pretty firm about it.’’

...

Despite failing after signing a $142 million contract, Crawford was rarely critiqued in Boston. But he has reinvented his time in the Hub, characterizing the Boston baseball experience as “toxic,’’ and telling the LA Times, “I knew with the struggles I was having, it would never get better for me. It puts you in a kind of a depression stage. You just don’t see a way out.’’

The italicized part of the first sentence, to be blunt, is a lie. Shaughnessy has a well-documented three decade history of criticizing professional athletes in Boston, and in particular members of the Red Sox. I've already noted numerous instances of Shank giving Carl Crawford the business. He writes (at a minimum) five articles where he rips Crawford, not to mention anything he may have said about Crawford when he's on the radio with Gresh & Zo on 98.5 The Sports Hub, and has the balls to write something so demonstrably false? That's just further evidence that Shank does not have an editor looking at his columns.

DHL Dan - XXII

Even with a 4:00 PM start time for the Sox - Giants game yesterday, Shank wasn't able to come up with a game summary. Instead, he takes the easy way out and inflicts another picked up pieces column upon us.

And - let the ass kissing continue!

■ I e-mailed John Henry and Larry Lucchino to get a statement regarding Ryan Dempster’s suspension. Nothing. Crickets. And here I thought we’d be toasting one another on John’s boat and swapping secrets now that Henry is buying the Globe.

Dempster's Mini Vacation

Since it's difficult to write game stories and meet Globe deadlines when the Red Sox play on the West Coast, Shank writes a column on Ryan Dempster's suspension instead.

SAN FRANCISCO — Sorry, but Major League Baseball had to suspend Ryan Dempster for throwing at Alex Rodriguez. Yankee manager Joe Girardi correctly noted that it would have been “open season,’’ on A-Rod if baseball did nothing. The message of a non-response from the league would have been, “Yeah, we hate him, too. Take your shots.’’

Certainly many fans would have been just fine with that, but as much as everyone hates A-Rod, it’s not OK for pitchers to have diplomatic immunity when they throw at the Prince of Loathe.

Hitting A-Rod Sunday gave most of you a tickle. It felt good. It was like unleashing a wild elbow in a crowded elevator of Sabermetricians, Jets fans, and folks wearing bicycle shorts. Anybody remember Dave Cowens taking a linebacker run at flopping Houston guard Mike Newlin and then declaring, “Now THAT was a foul!’’? Everybody loves a little frontier justice and nobody likes A-Rod, but gleeful Sox fans should remember that on Sunday night Rodriguez was standing in the same batter’s box where Tony Conigliaro was hit, on the exact same date 46 summers earlier.

A spot on column, I'd say.

A Little Over The Top, Please

Shank goes a bit overboard for the newest member of the Red Sox, Xander Bogaerts.

This is big; something along the lines of the first moon walk and/or the Beatles debut on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in February of ’64. Seriously, Bogaerts’ first start could be an important event in Red Sox history; like Tony Conigliaro’s first game in 1964 at Yankee Stadium when he was only 19 years old. Maybe it’ll be like Dwight Evans’s debut in 1972 when Evans was 20 and the Sox were in a first-place dogfight with the Tigers.

We went through a phenom false alarm at the beginning of this season when Jackie Bradley Jr. came north with the “Please Don’t Hate Us” Sox. It was the start of Boston’s Redemption Tour back when everybody thought Boston would finish fourth or fifth in the American League East.

Don't let this column fool you. Just remember who was hyping the hell out of Jackie Bradley Jr. in April, and who was also leading the call for a last place finish by the Red Sox this year. And nothing says hip and relevant quite like bringing up an event that happened a mere half century ago. Wait until Shank figures out Sir Paul McCartney's a Liverpool FC supporter...

Birds Of A Feather

Look who's sticking up for Shank - the biggest asshole sportswriter to ever walk the planet (given the context, that's saying something):

Mr. Mariotti: When people like (Boston Red Sox owner) John Henry buy the Boston Globe, I'm petrified (petrified? really? - Ed) for every writer on that staff. What happens when Dan Shaughnessy covers another story about a Red Sox clubhouse scandal. Is it going to make the paper? No. Shaughnessy has made a living on criticizing owners including Henry. Is he going to have a job in a year? These are the sort of people I have in mind down the road for this.

A reminder - Shank did not break the 2011 clubhouse story. He followed up on the story two days after it broke.

So, if / when Shank gets shitcanned, he has another job lined up. Sweet!

But wait - it gets worse (from another article):

Dan Shaughnessy is a sportswriting bad ass. He’s one of the country’s best columnists, opining fearlessly in the bosom of a readership base that is one part religious, one part romantic, one part provincial and one part lunatic. That is a dangerous mix that could get a hard-line commentator killed — I once called Dan for advice in that regard after some Chicago death threats — but Shaughnessy has carried on boldly with his coverage of the Boston Red Sox, taking on the beloved David Ortiz earlier this season by asking Big Papi if he also is a Big PEDer.

I’m afraid he’s about to be silenced.

I'm not. I'm also not worried about Shank getting kneecapped on his arduous one mile runs by the grandsons of Al Capone.

While it's good blog fodder to joke about the Dan Shaughnessy Death Watch, I've come to believe that this will not happen. For starters, Shank appears to be pulling his punches, based on his most recent Globe column. Second, I don't believe John Henry views him as anything more than a minor irritant. Third, shitcanning Shank would only play into the conspiracy theories of the likes of Jay Marrioti, and I seriously doubt John Henry would give a prick like that (or anyone else) the satisfaction.

Last thought - I've not noticed until today that Jay Mariotti and Shank appear to have some sort of professional friendship, a Brotherhood of Assholes, if you will. This may be a one sided thing, as I'm not aware of Shank throwing hosannas Mariotti's way, which is a good professional non-move. If I've missed anything about this bromance that Jay has with Shank, I'd appreciate some feedback in the comments section.

Doubting Dan

Now he's just being a dick.

The CHB pretends the Red Sox, who bested the Yankees Saturday, are a lovable bunch of resilient overachieving stragglers who have miraculously turned into a better behaved version of the Bad News Bears. They have, it's true, but that's not why Shaughnessy is struggling to keep down copious amounts of bile (as well as a case or two of Bud Lite) to fete them today.

Of course, it's likely he's just being ironic, for The CHB is no more a fan of the Red Sox than he is of hearing the bartenders yell "last call" at The Fours.

But at this point, he's writing not for the reader but for his job, and his career -- if we can call it that -- is now in the hands of one John Henry, the owner of the Red Sox and soon to be owner of The Globe.

Oh to be there when Henry goes Donald Trump on Shank's butt. This is gonna be great!

Of Whom He Really is Speaking

He has emerged at the most hated man in sports, one of the most hated people in all of America. He is a living, breathing, ballplaying, piñata— the Prince of Loathe.

So in theory The CHB is writing about Alex Rodriguez. But, it's pretty clear he is also writing about himself.

The Prince Of Darkness

Move over, Ozzy Osbourne - there's a new Lucifer in town:

You could use plenty of choice words to describe the Red Sox after they dropped three out of four to the Royals over the weekend.

But the Boston Globe's Dan Shaughnessy, speaking on Sports Sunday with Damon Amendolara, has his word: fragile.

"I am the prince of darkness with these guys right now," Shaughnessy said of the Sox. "People think I'm negative? I am negative. They've done a great job. This is a wonderful season. It's a gift, it's magic, it's great. They are very fragile in my view right now. Every time it looks like something bad is going to happen, they come back and rip off four out of five or something like that. Maybe that's going to happen again. I would be very worried about them right now."

So, when does Shank officially step up his campaign to run Jacoby Ellsbury out of town? If you're the Prince of Darkness, that requires biting someone's head off, doesn't it?

Laying Low

You'd think the recent performance of the Red Sox, losing three of their last four games to the Kansas City Royals, would be enough to get Shank to write a panicked column, comparing them to the 2011 'chicken & beer brigade', or whatever other excuse he'd have to take a piss on the Olde Towne Team.

Did John Henry lay down the law already, or did Shank clam up on his own, thinking self-preservation? Is Shank on extended vacation? Did Whitey Bulger rub him out? Theories are welcome!

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXII

The hits just keep on coming:

The New York Times Company [$NYT] reported second quarter 2013 earnings 48% below last year's quarter due to severance and other "special" items but digital paid subscriptions rose 40%.

The full results are here: www.nytco.com/pdf/2Q_2013_Earnings.pdf

Despite rising numbers of readers and paid subscriptions, the company continues to struggle as advertising revenues continued to fall again— 6% in this quarter. This is the eighth sequential quarter of declining print and digital advertising revenues.

"Print and digital advertising revenues decreased…largely due to ongoing secular trends and an increasingly complex and fragmented digital advertising marketplace."

Jeff Bercovici, media reporter at Forbes, noted that the good news on digital was not enough.

Digital subscriptions still represent a smallish part of the company’s overall revenue picture — just 15% of circulation revenue and 7.8% of total revenues, which fell 1% in the quarter, to $485 million.

This is just a further indication that John Henry's recent purchase of the Boston Globe is a simple real estate play.

I'll Have A Bowl Of Awkward, Please

Fresh from updating his resume, Shank runs a copy by the folks at Boston Public Radio. Oh, and he also sits down with Jim Braude and Margery Eagan yesterday to discuss his imminent demise the recent purchase of the Boston Globe by Red Sox owner John Henry.

(full audio at the top of the page, 4:09)

Dan Shaughnessy: Globe Sale To John Henry A 'Bowl Of Awkward'

Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy, who at times has been critical of owner John Henry's management of the Boston Red Sox, spoke with Boston Public Radio about his new boss.

Kind of an understatement, don't you think?

"It's amazing how life works," he told Boston Public Radio's Jim Braude and Margery Eagan on Monday. "It is a whole bowl of awkward. It's hard to get your head around it, and it is amusing to a degree."

You might not be laughing in a few weeks, mate...

Henry purchased The Boston Globe for $70 million early Saturday morning. Shaughnessy said he hopes the purchase of the newspaper by the principal owner of the very baseball team he has covered for three decades will not change his expectations as a columnist.

"What I've seen so far in statements by Mr. Henry - he's going to allow the Globe to do what it does, which is practice good journalism (first time for everything! - ed),” Shaughnessy said. “We've covered this team like nobody's business and when good things happen it's all good, and when bad things happen it's not so good. And I expect it to be that way, and hope that we have a wonderful run under new ownership."

Shaughnessy said the change in Globe ownership will not change the way he approaches his work as a columnist covering the Red Sox.

That will change when he has the sitdown with the new Vito Corleone...

"This is sports, and my agenda is running Red Sox players out of town how I feel about things," he said. "I feel I've always had the independence to have those opinions, and will continue to have those opinions and hopefully have the independence to put them out there."

Shaughnessy called Henry a 'forward looking guy.'

“This is a guy that likes devices, and he's always been a computer guy and the way the industry's going, that could be just the ticket," he said. “This is evolution. You can't fight it."

Fight the power, Shank!

To this point, I'll give Shank credit for taking it in stride.

DHL Dan - XXI

Nothing says "I'll write a halfassed picked up pieces column today because I'm probably getting shitcanned any second by the new owner I've been trashing for the past decade" like this one.

Picked-up pieces while reminding all of you that John Henry’s greatness has been vastly underappreciated . . .

It's gonna be fun watching Shank grovel over the next few weeks.

Or will he?

A losing Boston Globe contender is claiming his San Diego media company outbid Red Sox owner John Henry — and would have gone even higher — a bombshell allegation that he says could delay the deal and leave the New York Times Co. open to shareholder backlash.“We bid significantly more than Henry,” said John Lynch, the CEO of U-T San Diego, one of the Globe finalists. “At the end of the day, I’m certain our bid was higher and could have been a lot more higher if they had just asked. I’m just stunned. I thought this was a public company that had a fiduciary duty to get the most by its stockholders. ... From the beginning, I don’t think they wanted to sell to us.”

Probably because the owner & the newspaper are insufficiently liberal:

Douglas Manchester, the owner of U-T San Diego — the newspaper formerly known as the Union-Tribune — has come under fire for aggressively influencing his paper’s editorial content.

Here's another indicator that may be the case:

PS Two years ago they could have sold it to my friends at Freedom Communications (publishers of The Orange County Register) for 300 grand (and unloaded the pensions), but they would have been ideologically uncongenial to the Times. So the Gray Lady bravely took a quarter-billion hit in the cause of liberal torpor.

Popcorn time!

As The Globe Turns

Could this mean the end of The CHB?

Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that first owner-employee conversation.

The Big Tuna

Former Patriots coach Bill Parcells will be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend, and Shank pens a righteous column about him and his time with the Patriots.

Bill Parcells takes his rightful place in the Pro Football Hall of Fame this weekend, and there will be noise about his two Super Bowl championships with the New York Giants (remember Scott Norwood and wide right?), and his rebuilding of the Jets, Cowboys, and Dolphins. Parcells is the only man in NFL history to lead four franchises to the playoffs and he is one of only five men to take two franchises to the Super Bowl. He is renowned as the great, almighty Tuna, the quintessential Jersey guy who engaged reporters and insisted, “You are what your record says you are.’’

All swell. The Tuna deserves props and is overdue for a bust in Canton. But it is his four-year stint as head coach of the Patriots that matters most to us here in New England. Parcells is the man who rescued the Patriots from irrelevance and maybe from a move to St. Louis.

More than Bob Kraft, Tom Brady or Bill Belichick, Parcells is the man who changed the culture of football in Foxborough.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXI

The Boston Globe continues to flounder:

Circulation and advertising revenues at the New England Media Group — which runs The Boston Globe — took a dive last quarter, just as The New York Times gets ready to announce a sale of the broadsheet any day now.

New England Media’s overall revenue fell 7.4 percent last quarter compared to the second quarter of 2012, the Times announced during a quarterly conference call earlier today.

Advertising fell 9.5 percent last quarter. Circulation revenue dropped 2.3 percent, even though the Globe hiked up home delivery prices in May, Times execs reported. Other revenues dropped 14 percent.

Um, I'm pretty sure circulation revenue dropped because home delivery prices were increased, but maybe it's just me...

This part's interesting:

Times Chief Financial Officer James Fallo told analysts it’s “unlikely” that pension obligations will be included in the sale of New England Media, which also includes the Worcester Telegram & Gazette and Boston.com.

Does this mean the NYT assumes the pension obligations, or are they gone completely (i.e. - no pension for you!)? It could also mean that the bids are structured in a way not to assume those obligations (asset purchase only).

...

The long-awaited Globe sale could come any day now with several bidders reportedly in the mix, including a team consisting of former Globe execs Steve and Ben Taylor and former Time CEO Jack Griffin; Red Sox owner John Henry; and the Revolution Capital Group, which owns the Tampa Tribune.

Bid prices, however, have reportedly ranged between $65 million and $80 million — far less than the $120 million analysts had once projected and a shell of the $1.1 billion the Times paid for the Globe in 1993.

This tends to support what I said in previous Globe bashing posts - these bids look like a play only on the land, building & equipment at 135 Morrissey Boulevard (asset purchase), since there's no reason to offer a premium on a money losing operation. At least the Times will have a nice tax writeoff on the $1 billion loss, so they have that going for them...

Reggie Lewis

Twenty years ago, Reggie Lewis of the Boston Celtics died of a heart attack, and Shank writes an otherwise good column about it (emphasis mine):

Twenty years ago today, folks picked up their morning Globe and saw a front-page headline that read, “Celtics captain Lewis dies after collapse while shooting.’’

It was the story of the death of Reggie Lewis at the age of 27. It was a story that was as tragic as the premature deaths of Harry Agganis, Tony Conigliaro, and Len Bias. Until last month, when a star Patriots player was arrested for murder, the death of Reggie Lewis was perhaps the worst story involving a Boston athlete.

I say 'otherwise' because Shank poorly telegraphs his future punches against the Patriots:

For those of us who cover sports in Boston, it was one of the worst stories ever.

Until now.

Who does he think he's kidding? For Shank, it will be one of the best stories ever.