The Ultimate Weathervane

I've had the displeasure of reading Dan Shaughnessy's columns for over three decades. During this time, many themes have arisen about this columnist's abilities, and moreso, the lack thereof.

A mere forty eight hours ago, the Boston Globe's 'ace sports columnist' (a phrase we should use very, very loosely) lectured Red Sox fans about not taking the team's success for granted. You would expect some semblance of consistently in subsequent columns about the playoff success of the Red Sox, wouldn't you?

Today's column, in that regard, can only be described as epic fail:

Do we really have to go to Tampa/St. Pete? Can’t we just forgo the formalities and let the Red Sox advance to the American League Championship Series on sheer style, dominance, karma, and duende?

The Duck Dynasty/ZZ Top/Fidel Castro Red Sox look unbeatable at this hour. They bested the fatigued Rays, 7-4, at Fenway Park again on Saturday night and will send 12-1 Clay Buchholz to the mound to finish the series Monday.

The Sox look like the best team in baseball. No team won more regular-season games (97), and the Sox have played even better in the first two games of the playoffs. They won the opener, 12-2, with every man in the lineup registering at least one hit and one run. It was more of the same Saturday night (eight of nine starters got hits) as the John Farrell All-Stars bolted to a 5-1 lead, then cruised. David Ortiz hit two monstrous home runs. In games started by Matt Moore and David Price, the Sox have 19 runs and 25 hits.

I abandoned any further response to Shank's shameless, massively contradictory column once I found this absolute gem in the comments section:

FiveIslands
10/06/2013 09:45 AM

It does feel like abuse, picking up the globe and reading another one of these tiresome Shaughnessy columns filled with snarky comments declaring premature victory over an opposing team. What Dan, no calling the Rays frauds like you did the Texans last winter in the playoffs?

Of course the great Dan-o is always so right ... except when he is so wrong. Like when he went on TV with "Miss Heidi" (by the way Dan has she taken out a restraining order yet?) to pronounce the Sox were a lock for the 2011 playoffs in a middle of a rain delay in Baltimore. Or when he spent a week in California, in 2009, antagonizing the Angels by asking every player on that team the reasons why they had never been able to beat the Sox in the post season, and then proclaiming certain victory for the Sox in the Globe. Of course the Red Sox went on to be swept 3-0 by the Angels. Or enduring a week of Shaughnessy saying, before the 2010 AFC Divisional playoffs, that the Pats were a lock because Brady never loses playoff games in Foxborough and the Jets were exposed when the Patriots steamrolled them earlier in the year; and then seeing the Pats lose 28-21.

I place the time period when Dan-o started writing these columns around 2005, after Carl Everett "Shaughnessyed" Shaughnessy by called him a "curly haired boyfriend" of another writer. Too bad Carl didn't stuff him in a locker for all of enternity so we wouldn't have to endure the subsequent decade of Shaughnessy columns.

Word, brother...

Overreaction - II

Shank trashed the 2012 Boston Red Sox for the entire playing year and the past offseason. Now that the 2013 Red Sox have a two game winning streak? Best. team. Evah!

NEW YORK — They may never lose.

They may never trail.

Worst to first. Two games into the season, this is the theme of the 2013 Red Sox.

And is it possible for Jackie Bradley Jr. to be the Face of the Franchise after only two games in the big leagues?

That depends - how many column inches you have on him so far?

Pump some air into the Duck Boat tires. Get going with the 2013 commemorative bricks. Maybe the phony sellout streak will live longer than we thought.

That's right, folks - Bandwagon Dan changed his tune on the current version of the Olde Town Team from last place laughingstock to write-in World Series favorite in under two weeks.

Do I even have to ask what Shank will be writing with the first three game losing streak?

Overreaction

The 2013 Boston Red Sox win in Yankee Stadium yesterday on Opening Day, and Shank's doing cartwheels:

NEW YORK — First walk. First hustle on the basepaths. First strikeout. First run. First RBI. First “tremendous” catch.

How long before Dr. Charles Steinberg produces “The Ballad of Jackie Bradley Jr.?’’

How long before Yawkey Way is renamed JBJ Way?

How long before we’re eating loaves of Jackie Bradley Jr. Bread?

The kid made his major-league debut Monday afternoon and was instrumental in the Red Sox’ 8-2 Opening Day thrashing of the New York Yankees. In his first big-league plate appearance, in the second inning, Bradley turned an 0-and-2 count into a hard-earned walk off CC Sabathia that triggered a four-run Red Sox rally. Bradley beat shortstop Eduardo Nunez’s throw to second when Jose Iglesias followed with a hit into the hole. Bradley knocked in an insurance run in the seventh, doing his job when he batted in a first-and-third, one-out situation. He walked three times and saw 26 pitches in five plate appearances. He made a catch that reminded old-timers of Yaz’s iconic grab in the ninth inning of Billy Rohr’s major league debut, a one-hitter in April of 1967 at Yankee Stadium.

Speaking of 1967:

It’s 1967 all over again. The Cardiac Kids had rookies named Reggie Smith and Mike Andrews. They went from ninth place to Boston’s first pennant in 21 years. They had a first-year manager who said, “We’ll win more than we lose.’’ And they had a rookie pitcher who hurled a one-hitter in his big-league debut in Yankee Stadium in April.

Leading up to Opening Day, Shank was wondering which team would be finishing in last place; today the Cardiac Kids have been resurrected. So much for consistency.

Turn On A Dime Dan - VII?

Yesterday Shank was trashing the 2013 Red Sox before they played a single game, stating that "chemistry in a baseball clubhouse is way overrated." Today he writes an otherwise good column on Jackie Bradley Jr., starting his first game in the major leagues as the left fielder. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but you tell me:

NEW YORK — The worst Red Sox season in a generation angered and alienated a large, loyal fan base and gave way to an offseason of overpayment for ballplayers of character and experience. Expectations have been lowered and the club’s winter/spring ad campaign begged forgiveness while promising a team that will try harder.

Monday the torch will be passed to Boston baseball’s future, and its name is Jackie Bradley Jr. With only 138 minor league games under his belt — none in Triple A — the soon-to-be 23-year-old Virginia native will be the Red Sox’ starting left fielder on Opening Day at Yankee Stadium.

Bradley is the perfect antidote for the infection that’s poisoned the Sox since September of 2011. Boston’s kid outfielder is a spotless soul with no baggage and no attachments to the hardball horrors that have plagued this franchise since the final days of Terry Francona and Theo Epstein.

In other words, this kid brings character and talent to the clubhouse.

Shane Victorino wraps up the column with a great quote:

Seeing the four-deep group of reporters gathered around Bradley’s locker Sunday, Victorino walked by and warned, “They love you now, but they’ll be [expletive] burying you within a week.’’

Welcome to Boston, kid.

And avoid talking to Dan Shaughnessy!

Trade War

Dan Shaughnessy on CSNNE, July 25, 2012: "I want the Sox to be sellers. I don't want them to go for it this year."

Dan Shaughnessy, Aug. 7, 2012: "The big-spending days are over. The Sox are done."

Dan Shaughnessy, Aug. 29, 2012: "Now comes the reality. The inconvenient truth. Take a good look at Tuesday night’s lineup, a/k/a The Sons of Mario Mendoza. "

DHL Dan - XV

You know it's the dog days of summer when Shank 'treats' us to his second Picked Up Pieces column in a fortnight. Treats isn't quite the right word, 'inflicts' is more accurate. I usually describe these 'efforts' as dumpster fodder, and this one is no exception. The majority of the column reads like the weekly dump he's been taking on the Red Sox since the beginning of the season, then he sprinkles in some fluff & sidebars and has the nerve to call the result a column.

Here he is, likely describing lunch with Andy Gresh:

Here’s my take on the sellout streak (778 and counting). It’s like sitting at lunch with someone you don’t know well and noticing that they have spinach in their teeth. The longer you go without saying anything, the worse it gets. You both feel better once you come clean. That’s what the streak has become. The Sox are strangled by their own monster here. Best to admit it’s over and we can all get on with our lives.

Then we're given an example of what passes for clear, strategic thinking:

John Farrell makes a lot of sense as the next Sox manager. He is especially tight with Sox assistant GM Mike Hazen, and the Sox and Jays should be able to do something about the one year remaining on Farrell’s Toronto contract.

...

Mike Scioscia has been manager of the Angels since 2000 and is signed through 2018. He has been on the hot seat because of the Angels’ underperformance. If the Angels want to make a switch, how about the Sox making a deal to pick up Scioscia’s contract?

Well, which is it? Maybe Shank could have been bothered to take the next logical step and say 'I prefer this guy over that guy', or does that require too much effort? Is anyone else convinced Shank does not proofread his columns before submitting them? This is just further evidence that Shank doesn't have an editor, and the reader will be insulted every time Shank blatantly mails in a column of this stripe, or tunes into 98.5 FM when he's in the booth with Gresh & Zolak.

Sunday Follies

Yesterday, The CHB went after Larry Lucchino, writing that Lawyer Larry was guilty of a "ridiculous spin" and that he "simply cannot just tell the truth." Lucchino apparently didn't respond to a Shaughnessy email (The CHB can use a computer! Who knew?), which, coupled with a few extra cold ones, left Dan stewing in the summer heat.

Buzz gone, Shaughnessy awoke to a raging hangover and the realization that in his Schnapps-fueled frenzy, he mistyped Lucchino's email address. Bummer, dude.

So here's The CHB's take on Jon Lester after two good starts in a row: "We can debate the merits of keeping Valentine, Beckett, Lackey, and other misfits of the wreckage of 2012, but there can be no doubt about Jon Lester."

But here's what he wrote on July 18: "[T]here is no excuse for Lester. This is sheer underperformance. And it is killing Boston’s baseball summer."

And on March 4: "This year is a little different. He is not just another established starting pitcher down here with the Red Sox getting his work in. He is a man on a mission to make amends."

Back to July 18: "He looks like a guy who just hates being here. There was sports-talk radio babble about trading Lester at the All-Star break. Now we wonder. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea."

But on Aug. 19: "Despite this terrible season, he is something the Sox can build on. Lester is a keeper."

Flip. Flop.

Oh, and how embarrassing for the columnist who has been calling out Adrian Gonzalez to learn that it was not the All-Star first baseman but now-traded Kelly Shoppach who complained to management about Valentine. Oops. Does that make The CHB a liar? By his math, it most certainly does.