No More Hype

Thus spake Shank after a week long war of words. The column updates the latest trash talk (by Welker and Scott of the NYJ), compares this game to the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, treats us to a few Shankisms:

...the greatest upset in the history of the Roman Numeral Game.

...the Auerbachian Belichick.

...and that's about it. As good a column as we'll see out of Shank.

Offensive

That aptly describes a few of Shank's recent efforts, but not necessarily this one. It looks like writing columns on trash-talking Jets players produces readable results, as this one is. Good on the Patriots for not getting caught up in this nonsense, nagging reporter questions notwithstanding.

Well, It's An Improvement

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, his coaching career and the upset over the Saints this past Saturday.

Can someone tell me what the hell "boola-boola" is? I think it has something to do with being "pumped and jacked". Maybe it's newfangled professional sports columnist vernacular?

Nice to know Shank's on the Carroll bandwagon this year. Digging through the archives, however, Old Shank had a less than positive opinion of the former Patriots coach:

Pete Carroll: “… little more than a smarter, drug-free Butch Hobson …” Jan. 3, 1999, and “Papa Pete, the drug-free Daddy Butch Hobson of this southbound train …” Nov. 29, 1999

DHL Dan - VI

Not content with butchering regular columns, Shank slaps together a column purporting to be Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick sitting next to one another on an airplane.

This, dear readers, is a definitive member of the Mount Rushmore of Bad Shank columns. He might as well have started this column with "It was a dark and stormy night". Ripping off lines from "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" further serve to add to the epic lameness of this column. It is neither funny nor entertaining in any way, shape or fashion. I will not post a word of it here, lest I become accused of inflicting unnecessary pain and suffering on any readers. It took me two tries to read the entire column, having stopped halfway through in utter disbelief at what I was reading. I might understand this 'effort' as the second of back-to-back columns, but he had three days since his last column, and came up with this garbage? Shank must have a genetic defect that left his embarrassment gene out of his DNA during conception. I'd rather stare at a turd in the toilet for a few minutes than to re-read that column.

That, or it's a masterstroke at flipping off your bosses with this thousand word insult. Over the past week, Shank's writing has truly sucked.

Awful

That's Drew Magary's take on Shank's CNN / SI effort on Monday, when Shank called for cancelling further Winter Classic hockey games. The usual complaints about Shank are there - lazy + provincial + unthinking = awful. I'll call that Shank's Theory of Relativity. Not exactly as earth shattering as E = MC², but at least we have a working definition.

Having read (or not read) these columns for the better part of two decades, I just can't get worked up over a bad Shank column anymore. Maybe it takes a special kind of terrible column for this to happen, or maybe I just look at a column and can't be bothered to make the determination if this is a standard Shank column, a mail-it-in type, or the execrable type, as Drew mentions here. It's kind of like when I'm on the Red Line, and on the rare occasion get to sit down in a seat. I don't like sitting directly next to someone; I'll sit only if I have an open seat on both sides. Most of the time someone will go for one of those open seats, and 98% of the time I just get up and move. I don't want to make the split-second determination if this person has a fat enough ass that it plops over into my seat. I just say 'to hell with it' and bail out before it happens.

Other theories are welcome in the comments.

Now That's Just Mean

From the FARK Sports tab:

News: Boston sportswriter comes out. FARK: It's not Dan Shaughnessy

DHL Dan - V

Shank's Friday column covers the Patriots during their bye week. Don't bother reading it. It can be summarized as follows:

1) The Patriots are favored to win the Super Bowl.

2) Someone not named Shank interviewed Vince Wilfork.

3) Here are the results of the last seven Patriots playoff games.

I might be going way out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure most Patriots fans are aware of 1) and 3) already. There are only two explanations for this column - Shank is lazy, or Shank thinks you, the reader, are stupid and uninformed.

Great Game, Good Column

Shank devotes today's column to last night's Celtics win over the Spurs. Since both teams sport the two best records in the NBA, we won't yet hear from Shank how ancient each roster is, at least until they start losing a few in a row. Throw in a Larry Bird reference and some lyrics from a sixties hippie, and it's a standard Shank effort.

Retired?

Shank's opinion of the hockey Winter Classic - retire it. After acknowledging the first three as successes, weather conditions conspired to make the fourth Classic (in Pittsburgh) a comparative dud, most notably with Ovechkin falling down on an attempted slapshot.

While there's some merit in his argument, it strikes me as typical Shank - bail out at the first sign of trouble. His notion of ending the Winter Classic runs counter to this sentence:

If it's cold enough, I would be OK with any outdoor game in Detroit, Montreal or Toronto. Yankee Stadium might even work.

Average temperatures in these cities at this point in the year are 33, 23, 28 and 37 degrees Fahrenheit, respectively. So why not try some / all of these next venues, then decide if it's worthwhile? Probably because this column needs to take some definitive position, and Shank takes the easy, and negative, out.

Impressive Team; Column, Not So Much

Shank recaps yesterday's Patriots 38 - 7 win over the Miami Dolphins. It's an average Shank effort, chock full of absurd hyperbole ("Certainly the sad Dolphins would have been better off sending cardboard cutouts"), non football related comparisons (Sinatra, Churchill, Wade Boggs, etc.) and really lame song references (Hootie and the Blowfish?), all of which serve to detract from the column and make it the average effort that it is, maybe less so.

Meaningless Game, Meaningless Column

If you've ever wondered why I call this guy DHL Dan, wonder no more. This column could have been written on the back of a napkin. When you need to reference a century old MLB commissioner, a deceased actor and a vice presidential nominee with no logical connection to today's game, you have answered the following question:

Why invest time, money, and mental energy when none of it means anything?

Exactly how I feel after reading this column...

The Franchise

Shank puts together a decent column today, looking back over the past decade and writing about Tom Terrific's rise to the top. It helps to have decent material to work with, and Shank doesn't screw it up with "Brady Gaga" forced cuteness or other lame Shankness. There is one mention of 'the immortal Spergon Wynn', but it works in that context. Even more shocking is a mention of this song, perhaps begrudging acknowledgement that good music continued well after the Beatles broke up.

One quibble with the column:

He’s one of the most famous men in the world ...

And what was Brady a mere fourteen months ago?

Over here, he’s just a good-looking American football player who occasionally shows up on ads for Nike, Glaceau Smartwater, Stetson cologne, Visa, and Netjets.

London Fog?

That account belongs to Gisele. She’s famous like Jacko and Bono.

Tom? He’s not David Beckham, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer, Kobe Bryant, or LeBron James. Over here, he’s not even Serena Williams.

I’ve been checking for three days. Haven’t seen a poster of Tom. Haven’t seen Tom’s photo on the cover of any local newspa pers or magazines. Went to Waterstone’s bookstore in Piccadilly Circus Friday night and there wasn’t a single copy of Charles Pierce’s “Moving The Chains.’’ For that matter, there wasn’t any book regarding American football, though I did see the Beckham bio in which the uber-star rips the Braintree Sheraton.

In other words, Shank's full of it. Still a good column, though...

Still On The Bandwagon

Shank summarizes yesterday's beatdown of the Bills in today's Globe column. It's a decent column, but it's hard to escape the notion that Shank has no editors when you read the following:

While snow fell back home at Gillette Stadium, the Patriots put down the Bills, 34-3, at (makes you want to) Ralph Wilson Stadium, clinching the AFC East title for the eighth time in 10 seasons.

Stay classy!

Shank's CNN / SI column has him making a bunch of predictions, one of them absurd:

The New England Patriots think they are going to win the Super Bowl...

While there's the possibility he has inside information, I don't recall any member of the Patriots actually saying something like this in public this year, or this is just Shank making shit up & stirring the pot once again.

DHL Dan - IV

You'd think having four days to write a column would result in something that has a few halfway original insights, unique angles, or other items of interest. You'd be wrong:

Christmas in Buffalo. If you play for the Patriots, you cannot beat it. You get to hang out with Bill Belichick in the darkest, snowiest corner of America and then you get to play the Bills — a team you have beaten 14 consecutive times.

The rest of the column is as inspiring as this mailed-in paragraph.

Carry That Weight - II

Today's Boston Globe column finds Shank in a tough moral dilemma:

The Hall of Fame ballot goes in the mail today with check marks next to the names of Bert Blyleven, Roberto Alomar, and Jack Morris.

We won’t know who’s in until January, but this year’s ballot has some new challenges because the Steroid Boys are stepping forward in large numbers.

The Hall has a problem and it’s going to get worse every year. Baseball scribes are asked to weigh off-the-field stuff such as “character’’ and “contributions to the game,’’ and this clause puts us in the uncomfortable position of measuring moral fiber. The character clause is what’s kept Mark McGwire out of the Hall in his first four years of eligibility and it’s going to put Rafael Palmeiro and his 569 homers on the sideline when this year’s vote is announced.

Just when you thought you've read everything! Does anyone seriously believe Dan Freakin' Shaughnessy has a problem measuring the 'moral fiber' of professional athletes, or coaches? If Shank no longer opined on 'moral fiber', about one-fourth of his columns would disappear.

Other than that laughable statement, it's a fair read.

A Tale Of Two Columns

Compare and contrast - a pretty good CNN / SI article, and an average effort at the Boston Globe. At least in the CNN / SI article, he admits having an editor, but that's about all to note for either column.

What? No Blue Christmas?

Not content to write yet another meandering picked up pieces column, he even manages to choose weak Christmas music:

Picked up pieces while listening to Mitch Miller Christmas carols . . .

How can you not pick The King?

What follows from the dreadful opening sentence is the fruitcake of sports opinion columns. Feel free to regift this one!

Forget It, He's Rolling

I get that very impression after reading Shank's latest Globe effort, an effort whose quality exceeds many recent Globe offerings. I'm enjoying the positive / decent writing combinations right now (a whole week? Really?), as you'll never know how abrubtly it will end. I sometimes forget that the person who writes stuff like this:

We are 13 games into the 2010 Patriots season and it would appear that we are watching Bill Belichick paint his Sistine Chapel. He is a real man of genius with plenty of masterpieces on his résumé, but this one is looking like the best of them all. I’m betting he likes this team more than the undefeated warriors of 2007.

...used to write stuff like that not too long ago:

Unfortunately, New England’s easy win, coupled with the Jets’ pitiful performance, has righted the football universe and now most prognosticators believe the Patriots will stuff the Jets in their new stadium this weekend. Belichick has lost some of his motivational weaponry.

The Patriots are all about spin and staying on message, and it does not serve the cause to have Belichick stand at the podium on Wednesday of Jets week and hear, “Given how poorly Mark Sanchez played Monday night, how do you prevent your defense from taking him lightly?’’

Old Laughing Boy didn’t like that one, not one bit. He’s best served when surrounded by doubters and lightweights buying into the myth of Jet supremacy.

“When you are out there playing against these guys, there’s a certain level of intensity that these rivalries bring out,’’ said Brady. “And it’s not just another road game for us. They’re a division opponent. We know how hard it is playing a division opponent on the road.’’

Division opponent. I love that one. It’s so understated. The Jets are a divisional opponent the way the Yankees are a divisional opponent.

Has Shank Ever Quoted The Who?

I might think more of him if that was the case, as I was reading Shank's latest CNN / SI offering, hopping on the Celtics bandwagon. Comparing February's link (below, also CNN / SI), I'm not sold on Shank's reasoning. Is this year's bench that much better to be able to deliver the starters enough rest to do what Shank thinks is possible? I think that's the only question here. Shank doesn't ask it.

Meet the new Celts, same as the old Celts, Shank?

Early Xmas At Fenway

Shank expands on the Carl Crawford signing at yesterday's Fenway introduction. It's a standard Shank effort, complete with a shot at Jacoby Ellsbury. I mean, you have to have at least one current Red Sox player to take shots at, right! It's probably a clause in Shank's contract.

I'm stealing this thought from one of the commenters at the Globe (following Shank's quotes):

He is a superior athlete who is not particularly fluid nor graceful. His swing is on the choppy side. But he gets the job done. And Sox fans are going to like his defense.

I worry about his legs. Crawford does a lot of his damage with his wheels and the horrid surface inside Tropicana Field no doubt took a toll. There is also his mediocre history at Fenway — a .275 career average and .301 on-base percentage with only four homers in 320 at-bats over 76 games. Fenway doesn’t seem to amplify his offensive skills.

This is a common tactic for Shank - marking his territory in advance. When Crawford goes into a slump, or otherwise doesn't perform, Shank can fall back on this article (and rip a huge money, long-term deal) and say 'I told you so'. If the subject concerns Shank's disclaimers that he's now cool with players being 'overpaid' (and then he won't be cool with it the first time he jumps on Crawford), that part will be simply ignored or not mentioned by him.

Shank writes the following:

Across Baseball America, this signing makes folks hate the Red Sox more than ever. The Sox for years have presented themselves as a middle-market franchise, crying about the Yankees’ ability to buy championships. Signing Crawford, especially on the heels of trading for Adrian Gonzalez, merely confirms what we already knew: The Red Sox can get any player they want. Even Mark Teixeira.

Here's a question - does that paragraph remind you of this paragraph?

This assures that the rest of sporting America is going to hate us more than ever. The Sox-Yankees rivalry dominated the first half of this decade, and baseball fans outside of Boston and New York got sick of our quest to overthrow the Evil Empire. Now the Boston-New York war is back with a vengeance, and the Red Sox have become the Yankees.

If you're going to be a lazy writer, you might as well go all in and just reuse entire columns!

Speaking of which (or, in the At Last I Admit It When I'm Stealing From Others Dept.):

On the other side of the Atlantic, there may be carping about John Henry pouring all of his available dollars into his baseball operation. No doubt Liverpool fans would rather see money spent on Henry’s futbol team.

Interesting observation - is this a) a remarkable coincidence, or b) a theme shamelessy lifted from the Wall Street Journal on Friday? You make the call!

P.S. If you run into the registration screens at boston.com like I did this morning, just use Firefox (or another non-IE browser) or clear your temporary files, kill IE and start it again. I didn't have to delete cookies to resolve this one, but it's possible you may have to.