Dope Springs Eternal

Here's the stunning problem with The CHB's column on the Celtics today: He whines that the Celtics' loss to the Hawks in round 1 of the NBA Playoffs last night demonstrated their lack of talent, while conveniently ignoring that two of their top three players were out for effectively the entire season.

Question: Have the Celtics progressed enough in the 3 years under Stevens? The CHB answers his own question: Wins have risen from 25 to 40 to 48. That's a 23 game swing. The next best positive gain in that time frame? Milwaukee, with 10. The C's finished with the 7th best record overall in the NBA. Could anyone have seen that two years ago? Of course not. Would you have been pleased if, two years ago, you were guaranteed a 48 win season by now? Of course you would.

What The CHB seems to forget is that to actually, you know, win a championship, you first have to make the playoffs. So while he's extolling the virtues of the Timberwolves, which he has been doing on the radio for some time, let's remember that the Wolves, with Wiggins, Rubio and Townes, won a total of 29 games this year. They are about as far from the playoffs as The CHB is from getting laid by a woman.

It's a talent league, and the C's don't have enough talent. But truthfully, neither do the Thunder with Durant and Westbrook, or the Clippers with Paul and Griffin. The Bulls have two players -- Butler and Rose -- better than anyone on the Celtics, and didn't even make the playoff. So why insinuate Celtics coach Brad Stevens isn't up to the task, except to be contrarian?

More memory problems. Wasn't The CHB just saying "Our winter sports teams are good again. There will be playoffs and it might not be as bad and bloody as we once feared. ... [T]he local sports landscape is brighter today"?

Answering The Obvious Question

Dan Shaughnessy Watch, March 10, 2016:

In true Shank Shaughnessy fashion, he will bury both of these teams once they're eliminated from the playoffs.

Again, not a very tough call, was it? According to a commenter, this column went up within an hour of the final whistle:

Done. Finis. Over. O-va. The end.

The not-so-great Atlanta Hawks put the Celtics out of their playoff misery Thursday night at the Garden, beating the wobbly, wounded, and overwhelmed Green Team, 104-92, in Game 6 of their first-round Rock Fight.

The season bled out on the parquet floor in the same ugly fashion that stamped the entire series: The Celtics couldn’t make a shot (36.2 percent), the more-talented Hawks flexed their muscles and built a 28-point lead, and Brad Stevens was forced to deploy patchwork lineups that had virtually no chance of succeeding.

“We’ve got to get a lot better, that’s pretty evident,’’ said Stevens. “It’s a sour ending to an otherwise really good season.’’

From there, he questions the coach, tells us about a Celtics game played fifty years ago and gives us the standard game recap, all of which he can rehash on the radio next week.

Asking The Obvious Question

The 2014 - 2015 Boston Celtics finish their season with a game 6 loss to the Atlanta Hawks in the first round of the playoffs as of about ten minutes ago.

How soon does Shank bury this team? Is he working on the column as we speak?

Don't Get Mad - Get Even!

That's what Curt Schilling did last week when Shank went on Mike Felger's show on Comcast Sports New England to talk about his firing from ESPN:

"He got what he was asking for, and I don't have a lot of sympathy for him right now," said Shaughnessy, with whom Schilling has feuded from almost the day the pitcher arrived in Boston. "I'm just going to miss him. He's good on TV."

Didn't take long for Schilling to respond . . .

@CSNNE Not even a contest, the 2nd most bitter human I've ever known. Doesn't make him bad or wrong many times, just bitter. #CHB

— Curt Schilling (@gehrig38) April 22, 2016

I want to know who's #1 in your book, Curt!

But wait - there's more!

And then he added a comment on CSN's Facebook page, under a link to the video . . .

“Don't need the advice of a bitter human who only remains relevant because of that coif and his desire to take opposing views, regardless of their factual truths. CHB was irrelevant the day we won game 4 and the World Series, ending something he made a career out of inventing, the "Curse". It was a curse of talent, nothing else. People like this need a boogeyman to create content, original thought escapes them”

Then, this one out of deep right field:

@dawsonoot two things, I didn't ask for your opinion and Mike Felger is about as large a know-nothing douche as ever existed.

— Curt Schilling (@gehrig38) April 22, 2016

You could accuse Felger of a lot of things; a lack of knowledge is not one of them. This looks like a shot at Felger inviting Shank on for the express / implied purpose of Schilling bashing, knowing full well Shank would deliver. In that case, the charge of douche is correct. Not like Felger gives a rat's ass either way...

A Tale Of Two Games

The Boston Red Sox won last night in Atlanta, as David Price pitched 8 innings and struck out fourteen batters in his (and The Sox's) most convincing win of the season to date.

The Boston Celtics lost last night in Atlanta, after trailing at halftime, turning the ball over ten times in the third quarter, the Atlanta Hawks looking like the 1994 Chicago Bulls in that same quarter and got run out of the building, now facing elimination from the NBA playoffs. When human pylon Kris Humphries hits back to back three point shots on you, it's game over, man!

Would anyone care to guess which of these games Shank decided to write about? If you guessed the Red Sox, you must be new around here:

ATLANTA — How do you explain this Celtics-Hawks series?

You don’t. Just roll with it, wait for the next game, and hope your team does better.

The Celtics led the Hawks by 10 points in the second quarter of a pivotal Game 5 at Philips Arena on Tuesday night. Sweet, right? On the heels of sweeping two games in Boston it looked like the Celtics might break the Hawks’ spirit, take a 3-2 series lead, and wrap things up at the Garden on Thursday.

No. The Hawks demolished the Green Team in the third quarter, ran out to a 33-point lead, and took Game 5, 110-83, to put the Celtics on the brink of elimination.

The Celtics and Hawks are working hard and leaving it all out there on the court, but this series might set basketball back to the pre-shot clock era of the 1950s. We have two starless teams bumping into one another, with the series winner appropriately earning a four-night, all-expenses paid trip to . . . Cleveland.

Not if Indiana or Charlotte manage to win two games - lowest seed plays the highest seed, Shank!

Then again, four nights in Cleveland would be punishment enough - tank the series!

...
The Hawks seemed similarly rattled. Jeff Teague’s mind-numbing failure to execute (after two timeouts) in the final 15 seconds of regulation was a gaffe of epic proportion. Had a Boston player blown a game in such fashion, it would have dominated all sport media for the ensuing two days.

And we all know who would be leading that charge, don't we?

There was actually little of anything early Tuesday night. Despite a pregame video presentation that includes a voice claiming Atlanta has “the loudest fans in the NBA” the New England Revolution generate more buzz in Boston than the Hawks do in Atlanta.

Shank sure hates sports teams owned by Robert Kraft, doesn't he?

CHB Slinks While Porcello 'Springs'

Remember how Shank was going on and on about how the Red Sox performance in spring training didn't bode well for the regular season?

In particular, remember what he said about Rick Porcello, one of the "Meatball Five"?

Well after Porcello's sterling 6.1 innings of shutout ball last night, here are his numbers to date this season:

GP  IP      H    B   K   W  L   WHIP  ERA
4    25.2    19   5   30   4   0    0.94     3.51

3.51

Not too shabby. 

Anyone (else) remember what was said during spring training? 

Anyone else care? Because The CHB certainly has clammed up.

Happy Days Are Here Again! - II

You just knew Shank was going to bang out a column about this...

Bottom line: The Patriots were doing it. They had a system of deflating footballs after the balls were inspected by officials. Any agenda-less person who reads the Wells Report would come away with no other conclusion. The texts were unexplainable.

There is simply no evidence whatsoever to support this paragraph. When the Wells Report needs to state it was 'more likely than not' Tom Brady was involved in the deflating of footballs (as opposed to the higher legal standard of 'beyond a reasonable doubt), it brings, well, reasonable doubt about the whole Wells Report.

Happy Days Are Here Again!

Shank seems quite pleased with the reinstatement of Tom Brady's four game suspension:

Total smackdown of fanboy Berman

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 25, 2016

No word yet on a Brady appeal of this ruling.

DHL Dan - LIV

Unable to criticize and second guess the Red Sox and Celtics due to their wins yesterday, Shank instead subjects us to the Dreaded Picked Up Pieces column.

...
Young (Jacob) Eason is the most highly touted Georgia QB recruit since Matthew Stafford. Eason’s dad is, in fact, Tony Eason, but he is NOT the Tony Eason who played quarterback for the Patriots and had to be pulled from New England’s first Super Bowl vs. the Bears in New Orleans. The Tony Eason who is Jacob’s dad played football at Notre Dame.

While we are on the topic of high school athletes from the state of Washington, let it be known that both Jon Lester and Avery Bradley are graduates of Bellarmine Prep in Tacoma.
...
The Red Sox only have eight home games in September.

Dan Shaughnessy - the Globe's answer to Cliff Clavin.

Rehash Radio - VIII

On with @Zolak&Bertrand today 11-1. Plenty of C's playoffs, Red Sox bashing and more Claude love.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 22, 2016

The first fifteen minutes of his appearance were a near word for word recitation of this column.

I Was Expecting Ten Columns By Now

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an ESPN baseball analyst, is now a former ESPN baseball analyst.

A couple of years ago, when ESPN2’s unctuous chat show, First Take, was finding itself in hot water on a weekly basis, a high-ranking ESPN official told me it was becoming too big a headache for the company and something needed to be done. This is often the ESPN way: There comes a breaking point for the company when the headache exceeds the value. First Take, because it makes the company millions of dollars (it’s cheap to produce given they own the studio space), was spared more drastic measures beyond additional executive oversight.

Curt Schilling was not as lucky.

On Wednesday evening, ESPN announced it had terminated the MLB analyst following repeated political discourse on his feed, which some tabbed as hate speech. Said the company in a statement: “ESPN is an inclusive company. Curt Schilling has been advised that his conduct was unacceptable and his employment with ESPN has been terminated.”

Inclusive - except when you have an opinion that's different from the corporate suits at ESPN, apparently.

Does Shank mount his Shetland pony on this one? I'm guessing no - hot potato!

Too Good To Check?

Noted statistical wizard Shank on the 'historic' first quarter performance by the Celtics last night:

Is ispossible that the Celtics 7 points in first quarter is a record low for any team in any NBA playoff game?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 20, 2016

There's really no way to find out. https://t.co/3tnPzmyZTA

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) April 20, 2016

Maybe Shank can blame his inability to research things on inferior computer hardware:

They are laptops that take forever to boot up.

Might want to put something like this in your laptop - just saying!

Off The Bandwagon?

It sure looks that way:

ATLANTA — They are Broadway stars who forget their lines when the curtain goes up. They are thoroughbred racers that stumble and fall when the gate swings open. They are laptops that take forever to boot up.

Every Celtic game these days is like a UConn women’s basketball game. In reverse. Every Celtic opponent is UConn. It’s always something like 30-10 in the first few minutes.

If this keeps up the Celtics will soon join the Bruins in spring hibernation.

Can't wait to read that column...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXXVII

Sorry, Globies (and the rest of the dinosaur media) - we're just not into you!

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Trust in the news media is being eroded by perceptions of inaccuracy and bias (perceptions? - ed), fueled in part by Americans' skepticism about what they read on social media.

Just 6 percent of people say they have a lot of confidence in the media, putting the news industry about equal to Congress and well below the public's view of other institutions. In this presidential campaign year, Democrats were more likely to trust the news media than Republicans or independents.

But trust today also goes beyond the traditional journalistic principles of accuracy, balance and fairness (you guys are funny! - ed).

Faced with ever-increasing sources of information, Americans also are more likely to rely on news that is up-to-date, concise and cites expert sources or documents, according to a study by the Media Insight Project, a partnership of The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research and the American Press Institute.

When even the Associated Press reports this kind of news, you know it's bad.

Living In The Past

With two off days between Games 1 and 2 of the Hawks - Celtics series, Shank kills some time and takes another walk down memory lane.

ATLANTA — The Celtics and Hawks are forever entwined in NBA lore. It was the St. Louis Hawks who generously traded their first-round draft pick to Boston in the spring of 1956. That pick became Bill Russell, and the Celtics’ first championship — led by rookie Russell — was won against the Hawks in the spring of 1957. The Celtics and Hawks met again in the ’58 Finals, with the Hawks prevailing in six games.

Danny Ainge and Dominique Wilkins don’t know very much about what went down between these two franchises more than a half-century ago, but back in the golden days of the 1980s, they were involved in two of the more memorable moments in Celtics-Hawks playoff history.

One moment was goofy: Atlanta center Tree Rollins bit the finger of Celtics guard Ainge as the two wrestled on the old Garden parquet floor in the final game of a 1983 first-round series won by the Celtics.

He also mentions the Bird - Wilkins shootout in Game 7 of the 1988 series, which you can watch here.

Hope No Longer Springs Eternal

That's the message from Shank, after Avery Bradley injures his hamstring and is deemed out for this round of the NBA playoffs.

ATLANTA — The Celtics have only one player who played with Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce. They have only one player who has ever participated in a winning playoff game for Boston.

And now they do not have that player: Avery Bradley.

That is not to say that Bradley is a Celtic great on par with Pierce, John Havlicek, Bob Cousy, (where's Larry Bird? - ed) or any of the innumerable hoop statesmen who led the Green into playoff battles on an almost annual basis. Bradley is not that guy. But without him, the Celtics have no player with any connection to their recent past glory. As they prepare to play the Atlanta Hawks in Game 2 of the first round of the playoffs Tuesday night, the immortal/immobile Jared Sullinger stands as the senior Celtic in continuous service.

The rest of the column has a distinct mailed-in flavor; the half-assed half game recap, an old Pistons - Lakers playoff story and an analysis of how this will impact the Celtics that he probably ripped off from Chris Gasper.

Shank ends his column with a low blow:

But they still have a chance in this series. The Hawks are not the Warriors. The young, leaderless Celtics lost Game 1 by a single point, on the road, on a night in which they shot 36 percent.

At least they are still playing. They are not the Bruins.

Stay classy, Shank!

A Place Called Hope

With the Red Sox winning this afternoon, Shank is denied the opportunity to shit on that team, so instead we are treated to feigned interest in the Boston Celtics:

DAN SHAUGHNESSY

There are reasons for hope after this loss

ATLANTA — A lot of things happened in the first game of our 2016 playoff spring.

We saw the Celtics fall behind the Hawks by 19 points in the first half. We saw the Green take a 3-point lead in the fourth quarter. We saw Isaiah Thomas (27 points) work his magic and Brad Stevens’s first technical in two years. We saw Avery Bradley limp to the locker room with a hamstring injury in the fourth quarter. We saw the Celtics blow some golden opportunities down the stretch. We saw a dumb foul by a guy named Smart with the Celtics down 3 with 36 seconds left in the game. Finally, we saw Atlanta beat Boston, 102-101, in the first game of their seven-game series.

Conveniently forgetting about the shots Smart hit before that foul, but that's Our Danny Boy!

“We lost a brother, that hurts us,’’ said Marcus Smart, who had a breakout game (15 points, three treys), before his questionable intentional foul in the final minute.

So Smart had a good game, until that point late in the game when he fouled somebody and allowed Shank a chance to point the finger at him for the loss. Typical Shank...

Saturday’s dramatic comeback against the Hawks would have been much better. The Celtics demonstrated they can play with Atlanta — something we really didn’t see when the Green were swept by the Cavaliers last spring.

Um, two different teams, no?

These Celtics finished the 2015-16 regular season on a downer, losing two straight, then falling behind Miami by 26 points in the finale.

Didn't they win that game, Shank? How's that a downer if they won the last game?

The Celtics amazing comeback turned out to be the worst thing that could have happened: it matched them up with the Hawks (instead of the Heat) in the first round and you don’t need de facto commissioner Bob Ryan to tell you the Hawks are a “bad matchup” for the Celtics.

But Shank needed to quote Ryan, because he doesn't see it himself.

The Hawks look like a 2.0 version of your Boston Celtics. They are starless and selfless and they play good defense and they pass the ball nicely. Atlanta’s big people are better than Boston’s big people. The Hawks do not present as a team that will be surprised by the hungry, hustling Celtics. Then again, as the old saying goes, a playoff series has not really begun until the road team wins a game.

Nothing like leaning on those old clichés to describe a playoff matchup, is there?

From this point on, we get more hoary sports clichés and the standard game recap, with this trenchant closing observation:

One game in an NBA series is not a big deal and on Saturday the Celtics showed us that they can win this series.

Although Shank tried his best to make this game a big deal, naturally for the worse.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXXVI

In terms of career choice, newspaper reporters have chosen...poorly:

NEW YORK (FOX5NY) - A new survey of the best and worst jobs in the country has declared that being a newspaper reporter is the worst career you could be pursuing.

CareerCast just published its Worst Jobs of 2016 list.

It cited fewer job prospects because of publications going out of business and declining ad revenue providing less money for decent salaries.

It is the third year in a row that a newpaper reporter ranked as the worst job. Being a broadcaster didn't fare much better. It came in third worst on the list.

Let's have some cheese with that whine, shall we?

“The news business has changed drastically over the years, and not in a good way,” says former Broadcaster Ann Baldwin, president of Baldwin Media PR in New Britain, Connecticut. “When people ask me if I miss it, I tell them ‘I feel as if I jumped off of a sinking ship.’”

Just like Bruce Mo## (AKA 'Objective'Bruce, a Globe rumpswab commenter here at DSW) did back in 2008, when he took the second major buyout offered by the Globe to get rid of the deadwood save on overhead costs.

Coach For Life

Hey, Claude - remember the last time I was ripping on you and calling for you to get fired?

Claude is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 14, 2016

From now on he is Coach For Life Claude Julien

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 14, 2016

We're good now, right? Glad to have you back!

Wish Granted

Shank, yesterday:

Clay Buchholz (0-0, 11.25 ERA) gets the ball for Boston Tuesday night at Fenway. Anyone feeling good about that?

Here's the box score, with Buchholz getting his first loss of the season.

I wonder how many other times this year Shank will be rooting for a Clay Buchholz loss?

Sudden Change Of Heart

So now Shank likes numbers guys?

Sorry to hear of the passing of Chuck Wasleski, a/k/a "The Maniacal One''. He was the original Stat Guy, graced pages of Globe for decades

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 12, 2016

Not at all hypocritical, is it?

Rehash Radio - VII

Shank's on the radio right now, going through the motions once again:

On now until 12:50 with @ZoandBertrand. Plenty of Bruins (Claude Preservation Society) and Red Sox. Zo is wearing sunglasses.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 12, 2016

I forced myself to listen to the second segment (11:20 AM to 11:31 AM) and half of the stuff out of Shank's mouth came from yesterday's column. Wash, rinse, repeat!

Speaking Of Pretenders...

Six games into the Red Sox 2016 season, they're a .500 club, at 3-3. Considering last season, most normal people would be optimistic about the start so far. And then there's Shank:

Are the Red Sox contenders or pretenders?

The Red Sox lost to the Orioles, 9-7, in an action-packed 105th Fenway Park Opening Day Monday afternoon. The winning runs were scored when Orioles softball-league slugger Chris Davis mashed a 433-foot, three-run homer off new Sox closer Craig Kimbrel into the triangle in Fenway’s center field in the top of the ninth inning.

So now your 2016 Boston Red Sox are 3-3 after six games and you are legitimately left to wonder if we are in for another wasted summer of baseball.

Six games is a small sample.

But why let a little thing like that get in the way? He's got a team to trash!

...
The Fenway opener suggests it’s time to pay special attention to the overachieving Celtics on Causeway Street. The star-less Celtics finish their regular season Wednesday, start the playoffs this weekend, and will be playing crucial games at the end of April.

"And when they exit the playoffs, I'll shit on them just like I did with the Bruins on Sunday!"

...
Clay Buchholz (0-0, 11.25 ERA) gets the ball for Boston Tuesday night at Fenway. Anyone feeling good about that?

We can figure out one columnist who isn't...

Julien Story an Old One but Not an Accurate One

Roger already wrote about this today, and not to cover too much of the same ground, but I want to focus on one line in particular from The CHB's mailed-in column today: "The Bruins have to rebuild and [coach Claude] Julien might not be the guy for a team of youngsters."

The only reason Julien remains the coach today is because his 2010-11 Bruins team won the Stanley Cup. Let's look at that roster:

Five of the top seven scorers were 25 or younger. 

Oh but, you say, the playoffs were all about the veteran experience. Not so fast:

The top four scorers were all 25 or under, and the median age of the top 15 scorers was 28. In terms of ice time, only two forwards older than 25 averaged 15 or more minutes a game, and the four were all 25 or younger. 

Fast forward to today (see below). The median age of the top 15 is 27. In fact, contrary to what The CHB says, the 2015-16 Bruins' "youth" was barely changed from that of the Cup winners. 

The case could be made that the Julien needs to go. But it's not because the Bruins are too young. It's because they lack sufficient talent. And for that, the blame lies with none other than Cam Neely.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXXV

Fake Boston Globe Headline, one year from now:

At least they admit that story was fake / parody, unlike this one where they used porn pictures in an attempt to paint U.S. soldiers as rapists of Iraqi women, then issued a half-assed apology, which was probably written by copy desk guy Bruce M***. Let's not forget Mike Barnicle and Patricia Smith while we're on the subject.

Here's another question - will the Globe even be around long enough to print that headline a year from now?

Boston Bruins Death Watch - II

Dan Shaughnessy Watch, March 10, 2016:

In true Shank Shaughnessy fashion, he will bury both of these teams once they're eliminated from the playoffs.

Not a very tough call, was it? Looks like Shank's enjoying one of his favorite pastimes again, running people out of town:

It looks like John Farrell is going to keep his job longer than Claude Julien.

Mercifully, it is official: The Bruins are not a playoff team. Five years after winning the Cup, three years after getting to the finals, two years after compiling the best overall record in the league . . . the Bruins are not one of the top 16 teams. For the second straight year. And yet there is still a Preserve Claude Society that will insist Julien should be Bruins Coach For Life.

Sorry. Claude has been nothing but class and professionalism. He is the winningest coach in team history and he brought the Cup back to Causeway Street. But nine years is enough. Nobody gets to do this forever. The Bruins have to rebuild and Julien might not be the guy for a team of youngsters.

It took Shank this long to figure it out? It wasn't obvious when the Bruins traded away Tyler Seguin?

Then again, not every Boston Globe sportswriter agrees with this assessment:

Put away that pink slip for Claude Julien. He isn’t packing up and going home yet and neither are the Bruins.

Those who want to run the Bruins coach out of town if the team coughs up a playoff spot for the second consecutive season are going to have to put a few more pins in their Julien voodoo dolls between now and the season-finale Saturday against the Ottawa Senators.

Were you thinking of someone in particular with that comment, Chris?

Boston Bruins Death Watch

The Red Sox won 8-4 this afternoon while the Bruins lost 6-1 to Ottawa, placing the latter's postseason in serious jeopardy, if not crushing it altogether.

Care to guess which team Shank was tweeting about?

It is Fan Appreciation Day at the Garden, B's to hand shirts to fans after the game. Now down 4-1 in 3rd. Elimination looms #couldgetugly

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 9, 2016

Rehash Radio - VI

Shank's weekly snoozefest occurred yesterday:

On with @Zolak&Bertrand today from 11-1. Lots of Sox talk and I will be sharing my thimble full of B's knowledge as playoffs near

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 8, 2016

I had the 'privilege' to catch part of this dog & pony show. He did indeed talk about the Sox, with lots of sampling from this column and this column.

Knock me over with a brick if he ever went on this show without regurgitating one or two of his own columns.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXXIV

The deck chairs continue to be rearranged on the H.M.S. Titantic Good Ship Globe:

Hey all,

It’s time to bring everyone up to date on a series of conversations I’ve initiated among senior editors over the past couple of months, conversations intended to lay the groundwork for a no-sacred-cows analysis of our newsroom and what the Globe should look like in the future. It’s also time to get the room fully involved in the process.

You know it as I know it: The Globe, like every other major legacy news organization, has faced what have proven to be irreversible revenue declines. The revenue funds our journalism. The declines have mandated significant cuts over the past dozen years.

Question Is Asked

Shank's just doing the job other Boston journalists can't be bothered doing - antagonizing New England Patriots fans during the offseason:

No support for Parcells in Patriots Hall of Fame?
Is there a silent majority, or are Patriots fans just idiots?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 7, 2016

Shank is then reminded of a few things:

@Dan_Shaughnessy upset because you and Borges wanted to eat his ass like the Human Centipede

— MattyAlmeida (@MattyCat24) April 7, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy sorry, quit at the super bowl =disqualified. Guess I'm an idiot.

— DarrisM (@darrismcfarland) April 7, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy Raymond Berry 5 seasons 48-39 two 11 win seasons 1 SB app. Bill Parcells 4 seasons 32-32 1 11 win season. Idiots rule

— Robert Chase (@RLCINVT) April 7, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy We're too busy watching replays of the UConn game

— Jason Martell (@canadasox) April 7, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy he sucks like you Dan we never forget

— John Keane (@JohnnyFKNH) April 7, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy OMG LOL FANS ARE IDIOTS! LOLOL This writer knows how to connect to his reader(s). #DickBag

— Justin Vildavs(@vlad24) April 7, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy Are the Baseball writers idiots for giving you the theTaylor Spink Award.

— Kappy(@SLB49308235) April 7, 2016

I believe that last question was rhetorical...

Familiar With The Subject At Hand

Question - should Shank really be lecturing others about class / the lack thereof?

Classy of Gino to finally pull starters up 80-51 w 1:50 left in national championship

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 6, 2016

Here's another question - why does Shank hate so many college basketball coaches?

The Price Is Right, For Now

Well, it didn't take Shank long to change his tune, did it?

CLEVELAND — Game 1 of the 116th Red Sox season played out just about as perfectly as Dave Dombrowski could have planned. Travis Shaw and Brock Holt stroked four hits, Mookie Betts hit a homer and made a spectacular catch, the three-headed bullpen monster pitched a scoreless 7-8-9, David Ortiz launched his farewell tour with a long homer to right . . .

And, oh yes, David Price took over the role of staff ace with six innings of sometimes dazzling hurling as he fanned 10 and survived a couple of jams in a bone-chilling, 6-2 Opening Day victory over the Cleveland Indians.

“It was a tough day to pitch for anybody, but he gave us six strong innings,’’ said Dombrowski, who spent $217 million of John Henry’s money to bag the best starting pitcher on the market last winter. “I’m sure he’ll win many games for us.’’

Inane comparison to Pedro Martinez, the obligatory Bob Feller appearance, standard run of the mill game recap, and then the question arises - Did Shank really change his tune?

Looks like John Farrell’s job is safe for at least one more day.

That would be no, then!

So nice of Shank to bring this up with just about every column so far this year, especially after a win he was rooting heavily against. We're going to see this crap all year; positive columns with a few trademark Shank digs when the Sox win, Armageddon when they lose.

Obituary Delayed

Looks like Shank's going to have to wait a day to eulogize the 2016 Boston Red Sox, due to the recent onset of spring Global Warming...

Trying To Sell More Fictional Books, Shank?

Look at what Shank retweeted ten minutes ago:

#Celtics still Mabel's #1 team, but she's learning about the #RedSox thanks to @Dan_Shaughnessy. Happy Opening Day! pic.twitter.com/eqZV9QTsLT

— Abby Chin (@tvabby) April 4, 2016

Dan Shaughnessy - a legend in his own mind...

He Came to Bury Them - II

The first pitch of the Boston Red Sox's season has yet to be thrown, and already Shank is in mid-season form, throwing as much dirt on their graves as possible:

CLEVELAND — As they prepare to launch their 116th big league season at Progressive Field Monday, the Boston Red Sox are immersed in a sense of urgency.

Win now. Win today. Be careful not to get off to a bad start or we’ll render you mathematically eliminated from relevancy before Mother’s Day.

And by 'we', Shank means him.

This feeling is all around the Red Sox, and it is the antithesis of baseball’s century-old mantra that the major league season is a marathon rather than a sprint.

Not this year. Not for the 2016 Olde Towne Team. An early-season slump simply will not fly with fans, bloodthirsty media (is there any other kind in Boston? - ed.), and, most important, new baseball boss Dave Dombrowski.

And thus the tone is set - if the Red Sox lose today, the season is lost. That notion would seem overly pessimistic as well as stupid, but this is Shank, recently tied for biggest Boston sports media asshole, so it's not really a surprise.

Don't bother with the rest of the column - you've seen the same points made over and over and over for the past year. That's what recycling's all about!

No Pitch

Who's the better pitcher: David Price or Jon Lester?

You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone in baseball who says Lester. Even the Red Sox team, asked who they think the toughest pitcher in baseball is, is more or less divided between Price and Clayton Kershaw. Not a single player answered Lester.

But, per The CHB, the Red Sox should still have Lester, even though if they did, they most certainly would not have Price), and this failing is still worth whining about now two years later. And there's a really weird left turn midway through the piece about the lack of homegrown pitchers.

Here's one of the killer quotes: "The Sox didn’t value pitching over hitting for most of the 20th century. They haven’t had enough pitching for most of their 115 seasons."

 Easy to say, but that assumes that the sole reason the Sox didn't win a World Series between 1918 and 2004 is a lack of pitching. I would argue it's because the Yankees were just too damn good. Keep in mind that only 19 franchises won titles during that 84-year span, and of those, three of them (Angels, Diamondbacks and Royals) won only once, and all in 7 games. Meanwhile, the Yankees were popping champagne 26 times.

So by The CHB's logic, if the Red Sox lacked the pitching to win it all, so did pretty much all the rest of the major leagues.

That's hardly a systemic failing.

Unlike his writing.

Asking The Important Questions

Gee, this is a tough one...

Who's the bigger Boston sports media a-hole?

— Dennis and Callahan (@DandCShow) April 1, 2016