Shank's New Recycling Method

The Boston Globe helps out with further recycling efforts - who needs DHL Dan / Picked Up Pieces columns anymore?

From the archives | @Dan_Shaughnessy’s summary of the Home Run Derby held at Fenway Park 20 years ago tonight: “Who ever heard of a batting practice block party?” https://t.co/uPj7gMGwxu

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) July 13, 2019

Living In The Past, A Continuing Series

Dear Bill Belichick:

Remember when your Patriots team sucked big hairy donkey balls? I do!

Sincerely,

Your pal, Shank

The Patriots have an important home game against the Vikings on Sunday. The Patriots currently are the No. 2 seed in the AFC and stand a chance to earn the conference’s top spot over the last five weeks of the season. New England is primed to win its division for the 10th consecutive season and we fully expect the Patriots to be in the AFC Championship game for the eighth straight year. A ninth Super Bowl for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady is certainly a possibility for Feb. 3.

It wasn’t always like this.

And I’m not talking about Billy Sullivan, Rod Rust, or the Foxborough Follies of the 20th century.

Anybody remember when Bill Belichick was the local football doofus and the Patriots were the Tomato Cans of the AFC East?

Shank sure does - to no one's surprise, he already wrote this column two-plus years ago and reuses it again today. What does this have to do with today's game? Absolutely nothing, other than to once again troll Patriots fans, take a dump on Bill Belichick and generally be an asshole.

Get Me Rewrite! - V

The words may be different but the column's the same:

I need an intervention.

The Red Sox have the best record in the majors. They have won more games (107) than any team in the 118-year history of Boston’s American League franchise. Mookie Betts is going to be the MVP. The Sox have two Cy Young starters and another guy who was the best starter in baseball for most of this season and last. They have a closer who is probably bound for the Hall of Fame. They have a guy who almost won the Triple Crown. They have scored more runs than any team in baseball. They have a great rookie manager — winning more games than any first-year manager other than Ralph Houk. They are humble and noble. They are very good dancers. If they were nominated for the Supreme Court, they would be confirmed by the Senate, 100-0.

So why do I worry that they are going down in the first round of the playoffs? Why do I think they have us teed up for a cataclysmic, apocalyptic fold of the highest magnitude? Why do I sometimes wonder if perhaps they are the most-flawed 107-win team in the history of baseball (think about the absurdity of that statement)?

If you get the feeling that you've read this column before, it's because you have, in one form or another.

Get Me Rewrite! - III

The New England Patriots won in Foxborough yesterday, a 27-20 victory over the Houston Texans. As is his specialty, Shank focuses on the losing team & coach.

Bill O’Brien is the latest opposing coach to do the Foxborough fold

What was true last year, and the year before that, is still true today. Nothing has changed. The Patriots are going to get where they want to go this year on the merits of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, plus the unwavering buffoonery of their opponents. Like death, taxes, and the first penalty in the old Montreal Forum, you can depend on the guy on the other sideline throwing up on his shoes. Every week.

Sunday’s easy Patriots victory over the Texans was a great case in point. It was more of the same stuff we’ve been telling you for the last 15 years. Smart, accomplished football men lose all of their grid acumen at the very sight of Belichick and Brady. It is a certainty.

As the years have unfolded, the Patriots have become less talented, less deep, and less dominant, but it does not matter. New England can no longer overwhelm teams on sheer ability. But the coaching disparity across the league is greater than ever. The Patriots can always rely on the kindness of the strangers and friends who come into Foxborough with the misguided mission that they can compete based on sheer physicality and football ability.

The Patriots know all they have to do is . . . wait. Stand around and the opponent will self-destruct.

If you get the feeling that you've read this column before, it's because you have.

Shank's Back On The Warpath - III

Let's rehash some old columns, shall we?

With Tom Brady, some topics remain out of bounds

FOXBOROUGH — Bill Belichick has Malcolm Butler.

Tom Brady has Alex Guerrero.

They are Third Rail Topics in Fort Foxborough. They are Those Who Must Not Be Named.

We are not going to get an answer. In either case.

So why do you keep asking the questions?

I took a run at the Alex topic with Brady Friday afternoon. Tom was ever-polite but thoroughly obtuse regarding his satisfaction with how Belichick and the Patriots are handling the Guerrero situation.

If you just parachuted in from Guam and need some background, here goes:

No we don't 'need some background' - we've all read it at least a dozen times by now. It's a poor excuse to continue your war against the New England Patriots.

Recycling - Not Just For Shank!

I had one of those shredding companies come by the house this morning and rip through ten boxes of old tax returns, some of them going back to the year 2000 or so.

While I'm not 100% certain if that meets the definition of recycling, I do know that this is:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of Pats, might get into Ted Williams on PBS and Dan's Dates at 12:45,

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 24, 2018

"Plenty of Pats" means he'll more or less read from his most recent column for the first segment at 11:00.

Repeat Radio

Shank was on 98.5 this morning:

Sitting in on ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. With Adam Jones and Christian Arcand. We at vacation Tomato Cans for Sports Hub.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 3, 2018

I listened in at 11:10; it was a rehash of his David Price columns from the past couple of days, someone mentioned Tomato Cans, and... off went the car radio.

DHL Dan LXV - Playoff Recycling Edition

Haven't we read this column before?

With Tom Brady . . . without Tom Brady . . . it doesn’t really matter. The Patriots are going to beat the Jacksonville Jaguars in the AFC Championship game Sunday at Gillette Stadium, and this will bother a good portion of America’s sports fans.

In the eyes of NFL America, we are the Evil Empire.

And we don’t particularly care.

Shank's 'firmly' on the bandwagon again.

Brady is listed as questionable for Sunday, which is a whopper even by the Patriots’ lofty standards of disingenuousness. It is a tribute to Belichick, Brady, and the organization that there have been no significant leaks regarding the circumstance of Brady’s midweek injury and his status for the AFC Championship game. The 2017-18 Patriots would have been the greatest POWs in the history of modern warfare. They give up nothing. Ever.

A tribute that Shank used to trash on a routine basis, until now / when it's convenient for him to do so.

You've already read this column a few times in the previous weeks - do so again at your peril.

Broken Record / Recycling Alert

Shank's back to two of his favorite pastimes - rewriting old columns and stirring the pot mere hours before the Patriots play a divisional round playoff game.

FOXBOROUGH — With turmoil swirling around Route 1 and the heavily favored Patriots preparing to play Tennessee in the NFL divisional round on Saturday night, I thought it would be a good time to hop in the Wayback Machine and revisit a celebrated dustup between Bob Kraft and his future Hall of Fame coach when the Patriots were preparing for their second Super Bowl in early 1997.

That’s right, boys and girls. Welcome to Pigskin Deja Vu in Fort Foxborough. We have been here before.

The banishment of Tom Brady’s training guru and Bill Belichick’s unexplainable dumping of Jimmy Garoppolo don’t represent the first instance of trouble at the top during a Patriots Super Bowl run. And just like today, everybody lied about it then while it was unfolding.

Anyone remember the final days of Bill Parcells’s Patriots tenure in 1997?

And if you don't, Shank's here to eagerly remind you!

Seriously - what is the purpose of this, other than this being yet another battle in Shank's 20 year war against the Patriots? That's right - it's also an attempt to antagonize Patriots fans before a playoff game. It's the dreaded Shank twofer!

Responses on his Twitter feed are about what you'd expect:

No comparison between the 2 city articles today Shank?? Chowder vs Catfish????

— BillyFromManchester (@billyskouteris) January 13, 2018

Just dumb that you think Kraft would confirm a story two days before a Super Bowl and even dumber that you think Parcells deserves to be in Pats Hall of Fame. He quit on his team before a Super Bowl. Other than than that, great piece.

— George Brennan (@gpb227) January 13, 2018

You think the Kraftswill have another breakfast and leave you off f the invite list than you can get butt hurt and go after them for 20 more years

— Rick Ricciardi(@robemjoshreese) January 13, 2018

You are pitiful, inventing turmoil where there is none . Keep stirring the shit storm Shank something should shake out for you. If not , in true Globe tradition make something up.

— Pat (@Paintcan66Pat) January 13, 2018

Both Sides Of His Mouth - II

Shank wakes up, drinks his bitter coffee and continues his disingenuous attempts at trying to have it both ways:

Jags-Bills is everything I thought it would be.
What a conference

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 7, 2018

Titans at Gillette Saturday.
Patriots first team in NFL history awarded back-to-back bye weeks before the AFC Championship.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 7, 2018

You know how I know Shank's lying about this? Who did Shank think was going to win yesterday's game between the Titans and the Chiefs?

It looks like the Chiefs will be in New England next weekend and . . . it looks like their best player, Travis Kelce, just got concussed.
Things never change. #Tomatocans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 6, 2018

But wait - this gets even better!

Nope. You never recycle at all. That was apparently the 2012 Patriots. pic.twitter.com/E87Fi3Y7vC

— Justin Martell (@jmartell21) January 7, 2018

To conclude - over the past three days, Shank writes a column saying the Patriots aren't a good team, piles on the 'Patriots are in disarray' story by ESPN, sends out numerous tweets severely discounting any chance the Bills, Titans or the Jaguars have of beating the Patriots (even if they suck lemons) and demonstrates one more time that he shamelessly recycles his old column themes, all designed to piss off as many football fans as possible.

The Boston Globe's sports section was once considered to be among the finest in the United States, if not the finest of them all. It is now reduced to their sole columnist more or less behaving like a spoiled, immature brat. How the mighty have fallen...

DHL Dan LXIII - Hot Stove Whining

It was announced about nine hours ago that the New York Yankees have acquired top free agent Giancarlo Stanton. About two hours ago Shank's already complaining about the Red Sox not responding to it:

■ Giancarlo Stanton is about to become a Yankee. This is big, people. The Yankees now have two guys who combined for 111 homers last season. It’s back to Mantle-Maris, circa 1961. The addition of Stanton gives the Bronx Bombers a lineup that includes Stanton, Aaron Judge, Gary Sanchez, Didi Gregorius, Brett Gardner, Greg Bird, and Aaron Hicks. The Sox will need more than electronic devices to beat that team. Stanton’s popups to right will be homers in Yankee Stadium. With Derek Jeter helping his old team, the deal is already being compared to Kevin McHale sending Kevin Garnett to the Celtics. Meanwhile, could the Boston baseball winter be any more boring? With the Patriots headed to Minneapolis for the Super Bowl and the Celtics off to a near-historic start, the local baseball team does nothing day after day. And it’s trouble that both Shohei Ohtani and Stanton put Boston on the no-fly list. Guess not everybody wants to play here anymore.

First thing - I continue to be amazed at Shank's ability (and his complete unreasonableness) to whine and bitch about stuff like this. Second thing - I checked a few news stories about this trade (see here and here and here), and I'm unable to verify Shank's hyperbolic statement that "Stanton put Boston on the no-fly list". That's just Shank throwing gas on the fire that he started. Some rational thought on Boston's response can be found here.

From there, it's more baseball stuff and yet another unprofessional criticism of Robert Kraft. Why does he continue to call him Amos Alonzo? Probably because he's still pissed at that Super Bowl breakfast snub from 1996, that's why.

Things that Shank has already written about two dozen times:

■ The AFC has only two good teams and it’s hard to believe the Patriots will be tested any time in January. Most likely to challenge New England is probably the not-so-talented Ravens, because they have two things no one else has: a coach (John Harbaugh) and quarterback (Joe Flacco) who don’t lose their minds at the sight of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady.

He didn't notice when McGwire and Sosa were hitting all those home runs but he notices it now:

■ Adderall is on the list of banned substances in major league baseball, but according to Sports Illustrated’s L. Jon Wertheim, a 2013 report stated that 119 major league players had obtained “therapeutic use exemptions,” allowing for a prescription and absolvement from any tests detecting the banned substance. That’s almost 10 percent of the MLB workforce with a permission slip allowing a banned substance. Hmm.

Bonus - Larry Bird sighting!

Rehashed Radio?

I'm wondering how much of his (and Tara Shaughnessy's) column(s) was rehashed earlier today:

On with @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. It's pre-party for Zo getting Voice of Boston tonight when he Makes the Globies Great Again. House of Blues at 6:30 tonight.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 5, 2017

What's Old Is New Again

Apparently Shank's weekly appearances on Zo and Bertrand isn't the only place where he reuses recent column themes:

Today on #SeasonTicket: @Dan_Shaughnessy manages to quote both Napoleon Bonaparte and Sun Tzu in describing the mindset of this year's #Patriots team: https://t.co/11iZv0prwy

— WBUR (@WBUR) November 16, 2017

And, of course, Shank doesn't appear to quote Sun Tzu - it's more like the Napoleon Bonaparte quote may have aped a Sun Tzu quote, but that's it. Second - I have trouble believing Shank's read The Art of War or much of anything else.

Another David Price Column

Shank can't seem to get enough of David Price:

Is Price an overpaid, thin-skinned, prima donna ill-suited for Boston baseball? Or is he the Red Sox’ secret weapon destined to establish his value and earn fans’ love with a strong 2017 finish and (gulp) postseason glory? We’re pretty sure Price hates Boston, but could he yet emerge as a rich man’s John Lackey? Could Price wind up being a guy who delivers the goods even though he hates Boston with the power of a thousand suns?

Looks a lot like this column from last month, doesn't it?

Is David Price destined to become a Red Sox lefty hero on a par with Jon Lester, or an overpaid free agent flop like Jack Clark and Pablo Sandoval?

Price is a Fenway lightning rod in the spring of 2017. At this hour, the big questions around Price are:

■ Can he pitch in Boston?

■ Does he hate it here?

■ Will he exercise his option to leave Boston after the 2018 season?

■ Should he have taken less money to sign with the Cardinals?

■ Does he spend more time and energy on Twitter than Donald Trump?

Can't imagine why am athlete would hate playing in Boston with all this positive, supportive media coverage...

Damn!

See what happens when you wake up late? You miss Shank regurgitating the one column he wrote last week.

On now until 1:00 with @ZoandBertrand. Lots of Sox talk. Adam Jones. Sweet Caroline. All of it.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 2, 2017

Recycled Column Watch

Shank tells his readers what a freaking awesome city Boston is at this time of the year:

No . . . Days . . . Off.

Repeat that nine times. Just like Bill Belichick at the Patriots Super Bowl rally.

No . . . Days . . . Off. That’s the theme around here for Boston sports fans. We have a glut of goodies in front of us in these next two or three weeks.

Just take a look at this upcoming Sunday/Monday. In a 28-hour period starting Sunday night, you can watch the Celtics vs. the Bulls in the playoffs (6:30 p.m. Sunday at the Garden), the Red Sox and the Rays at Fenway (11:05 a.m. Monday), the finish of the 121st Boston Marathon (around 1:10 Monday afternoon on Boylston Street), and the Bruins in Game 3 against Ottawa at the Garden (7 p.m. Monday).

If you think you're read this column before, it's because you did!

Picked-up pieces while waiting for Larry Lucchino to return a phone call . . .

Is your head spinning? The Sox are off and running. The Celtics and Bruins are readying for the playoffs. Tiger is getting ready to wear the red shirt at the Masters. Two Connecticut schools battled for the NCAA hockey championship in Pittsburgh Saturday night. The Red Sox play the major league’s only morning-start game on Monday and our city is peppered with folks from around the world who are here to watch and run in the 117th Boston Marathon.

Celtics vs. Knicks in the first round of the playoffs? Bring it on! This amounts to a marquee matchup in an ever-diluted playoff spring. These staggering Celtics always can get into the heads of the Knicks. Carmelo Anthony is an overrated ball hog who never will win an NBA championship.

No Imagination Whatsoever

I got into my car yesterday around 11:00 AM to run some errands, and I turn on WEEI. What's Lou Merloni talking about? The Red Sox pitchers and all of their injuries. A few minutes later I switch over to 98.5 The Sports Hub. What's Marc Bertrand talking about? Same thing. Later in the day, what are Felger & Mazz talking about? That's right - same thing.

Imagine my surprise when I checked out Shank's latest column:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The walls are closing in around Red Sox baseball boss Dave Dombrowski for the first time since he took the job in the summer of 2015.

Pitchers acquired by Dombrowski keep getting hurt. There has been criticism of the club’s shoulder workout program. Dombrowski has been having a few testy exchanges with reporters, and he’s getting heat from some of the nonstop sports talk shows back in Boston. (where he got the idea for this column! - ed.)

Dombrowski has been in big league baseball for 40 years. He has won a World Series and pretty much seen it all. How is he feeling about the Boston baseball experience now that it’s getting a little hot?

Shank does this (listen to local sports talk radio and apes their storylines) often enough that it warrants pointing it out one more time. Even Shank's Twitter timeline (posted yesterday around 2:00 PM) supports this. If you listened to any Boston sports talk radio yesterday, there's no need to read this column.

An Uncertain Man, And Then Some

At the beginning of the month, Shank was leading the Patriots bandwagon to Houston. Today, he's not so sure:

Picked-up pieces while waiting for Thursday night’s Celtics game in Cleveland . . .

■ Why do I feel like I’ll still be saying I’m not sold on this Patriots defense when the Duck Boats are parading down Boylston Street Feb. 7?

Shank has always hated numbers and statistics. Today he loves them both, because it suits his agenda (this and his next paragraph):

■ Stat geeks and Patriot toadies are twisting themselves into knots to tell us that the Patriots really didn’t have an easy schedule this year, but we know what we saw. We saw them play a bunch of bum quarterbacks and almost zero elite offenses.

On Saturday, Shank didn't know much about the 2016 New England Patriots (this is a week after going to Denver and winning, 16 - 3):

Tomato Can season of 2016 marches on. Yet another game in which we learn nothing about the Patriots.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 24, 2016

Four days later, however, he knows all about their defense:

When the season ends Sunday, the Patriots will have played half their games against teams in the bottom third of the league in offense. They faced none of the top six offenses. Here’s hoping they are ready if they face a competent QB/offense in the playoffs. Matt McGloin, Tom Savage, and Matt Moore no doubt have Bill Belichick lying awake at night.

Stolen from yesterday's Boston version of ESPN is this little tidbit - how few differences can you spot?

Since Belichick became Patriots coach in 2000, the AFC East has had 23 head coaches (including interims).

The rundown:

■ Since Belichick took over as head coach of the Patriots, the Bills, Dolphins, and Jets have had 23 head coaches and interim head coaches. The list includes legends such as Perry Fewell, Joe Philbin, Chan Gailey, and Dan “Tomato Can” Campbell. Over the same 16-year span, the second-best quarterback in the division is probably Chad Pennington.

At this point, you've read blatant examples of short sightedness, rank ignorance, duplicity, overuse of canned cliches (canned - get it?), stolen column themes and / or trolling behavior. While he didn't throw in an obligatory mention of Larry Bird, he came close with Kevin McHale. These are the problems with Dan Shaughnessy in general and especially with his mailed-in Picked Up Pieces columns.

Rehash Radio XVII - Now With Half The Calories!

I'd first like to take this opportunity to thank my client Tom, who scheduled a meeting at 11:00 this morning, allowing me to miss Shank taking a piss on the Patriots:

On NOW until noon with @ZoandBertrand. Wall-to-wall Brady/Deflategate. Bringing Zo in off the ledge

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 14, 2016

DHL Dan - LVI

It seems Shank didn't fully vent his spleen from Thursday night's Wilbur Theater performance, as the first half of this column comes across as 'bitch, bitch, bitch', but I'd like to focus on Shank's very first subject.

I was driving around yesterday afternoon, 4:00 - 4:30 window, so I turn on Felger & Mazz. Would you like to take a wild guess about what they were talking about? Take it away, Shank!

■ Can’t fault Brady for fighting his suspension all the way to the Supreme Court, but it’s better for the Patriots if the suspension is upheld and Brady sits out the first four games. It gives the team a chance to find out what they have in Jimmy Garoppolo without threatening their birthright atop the Tomato Can AFC East. The high court drama is great for sports talk (we know! - ed.), but I’m betting Bill Belichick would like to have a little clarity regarding his QB situation as the Patriots prepare for summer camp.

Not even trying to hide it anymore, is he? What a lazy hack.