For Shank's Spring Training Columns, One 'Sizemore' Fits All

Today, the latest in The CHB's series on the potential Red Sox starters for 2014. And, just like the last, well, all of them, nothing new is revealed. Rather, today's offering on Grady Sizemore follows the formulaic (read: boring) format that Shank has perfected over the years:

• A recent anecdote
• A recounting of the player's baseball career
• A quote from the player and one or two other players/coaches/related personnel.

It may be dry in Florida, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised The CHB's commentary is bordering on arid.

Birds Of A Feather

Shank dedicates today's column to fellow asshole A.J. Pierzynski.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — A.J. Pierzynski. The Most Hated Player In Baseball.

I couldn’t wait to talk to this guy.

We're not really surprised by this revelation, are we?

According to a 2012 Men’s Journal poll, Pierzynski is the Most Hated Player in Baseball.

“I just laugh at it,’’ he said. “I think it’s cool. I’ve won it a bunch of years in a row. They just change the title around. They change a couple of words.’’

True. In various other polls, Pierzynski has been cited as “Player You Would Most Like To See Beaned” and “Meanest Player’’ in baseball.

“I think I’ve won it before so it’s just an easy answer,’’ he added. “But I think A-Rod took over for me this year.’’

Is there a trophy that comes with the coveted “most hated” distinction — something that gets passed along from year to year like the Stanley Cup?

“No,’’ said Pierzynski. “You just get awkward questions by media people every day.’’

As an aside, Shank's better columns tend to be the ones when he gets to focus on the overwhelming negative aspects of a team, player or situation. It's pretty obvious what his motivation is with this column.

Junior

No, I don't mean this Junior, but instead Jackie Bradley Jr., currently a second year center fielder for the Red Sox who hopes to finally stick with the big league club.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The first look was . . .

Underwhelming.

Jackie Bradley Jr. knows. He knows there are doubts about his ability to be a solid everyday hitter in the big leagues. He made it to The Show last year on the strength of a spectacular spring training (.419 in 28 games).

While the Red Sox were trying to dig out from the disgrace of last place and Bobby Valentine, JBJ became the smooth, sweet face of the franchise. He was the unwashed phenomenon — the antidote to chicken-and-beer and the train wreck of 2012.

I'm surprised to read that last part; it's really shocking for Shank to bring up negative things about the Red Sox's previous seasons...

Lineup

As Red Sox spring training progresses, we get closer and closer to starting actual games, like the ones against Boston College and Northeastern University on Thursday. Shank takes a column to consider the possibilities.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox hitting coach Greg Colbrunn doesn’t have a recipe for a new leadoff hitter. What he knows is that this powerful lineup that produced a league-best 853 runs in 2013 will look different, but not necessarily worse.

He can’t mix Shane Victorino with Dustin Pedroia and a little Grady Sizemore and come up with another Jacoby Ellsbury. Not possible. The speed, the disruptive nature of Ellsbury’s game, that’s gone.

Shank didn't seem terribly concerned in 2010, when Ellsbury wasn't in the lineup.

Ellsbury accounted for 92 of those 853 runs, fifth among leadoff hitters. But the excitement he brings, the pressure on the pitcher, and his defense are gone.

Dan was definitely excited the last time Ellsbury was gone from the lineup for an extended period:

It’s impossible and unfair to measure another man’s pain. Some professional ballplayers play hurt, while others wait until they are 100 percent before they step on the field. Jacoby Ellsbury broke five ribs back in April and he’s the only person who knows the extent of his pain at this hour.

But the situation with the Red Sox and Ellsbury has become absurd. The Sox are falling fast against mediocre competition and Ellsbury is still on the disabled list even though he’s played five games of minor league ball, and Sunday went 2 for 5, almost jumping out of McCoy Stadium in pursuit of a Durham Bull home run.

The only thing Shank will miss about Ellsbury is having a target.

Sizemore Matters

Shank writes his latest column on new Red Sox acquisition Grady Sizemore.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — How good was Grady Sizemore?

“He’s without a doubt one of the greatest players of our generation,’’ Cleveland general manager Mark Shapiro told Sports Illustrated in 2007.

“The best player in our league,’’ added White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

Sizemore was going to be the Next Big Thing. He was a center fielder with speed and power. He was a three-time All Star.

A series of injuries later, he winds up on the Red Sox and his anticipated role will likely be sharing center field duties with Jackie Bradley Jr. Sizemore hasn't played baseball since the fall of 2011.

Do you know what else happened in the fall of 2011? Shank helpfully reminds us:

He has not played a game of big league baseball since the fall of 2011, during the chicken and beer final days of Tito and Theo in Boston.

I almost forgot about that! Thanks for refreshing my memory, Shank!

Don't Bogaerts His Thunder

Xander Bogaerts is "as close to a sure thing as you'll get in baseball."

So sayeth The CHB.

He also sayeth, "The last Sox player who came to the big leagues with this much expectation was Roger Clemens."

Huh. Doth he forget Frankie Rodriguez, who was Baseball America's College Player of the Year and who led college baseball in homers and RBIs in 1991, and whom the Red Sox had to agree that he could play shortstop and pitch in order to sign him? Ellis Burks? Mo Vaughn, who like Rodriguez was a Baseball America Top 10 Prospect? Trot Nixon, the Baseball America High School Player of the Year the season the Red Sox signed him?

The last Sox player who came to the big leagues with this much expectation was Roger Clemens, and Clemens wound up winning 192 games for Boston," Shank says.

Wrong again. Two words: Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The Larry Lucchino Column

Shank wraps up what he refers to as the three day ownership blitz with a column about longtime nemesis über-GM Larry Lucchino.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox ownership completed its three-day media blitz at JetBlue Park Friday with Larry Lucchino playing the role of closer.

Asked about his Yankee enemies, Larry said, “I can’t say I wish them well.’’ He also playfully suggested that 79-year-old Bud Selig is not really going to retire, admitted baseball needs to speed up its games, and expressed delight with Jon Lester’s willingness to take a hometown discount.

It was the complete opposite of Lucchino’s introductory press conference last year when Larry morphed into Jack Nicholson playing Colonel Nathan Jessup on the witness stand in “A Few Good Men.’’

No one could handle the truth.

Remember last year? On Valentine’s Day, 2013, Lucchino faced the firing squad that assembled in Fort Myers to demand an explanation for the Red Sox’ worst season in 47 years. That was the day Larry admitted that the Sox’ phony sellout streak would officially end early in the 2013 season. Never smiling, snapping off a couple of terse “no comments,” Lucchino said, “we sense the frustration fans feel . . . maybe to everybody we have something to prove . . . We’re just scrappy underdogs trying to win for our franchise and fans.’’

A firing squad that included Our Man Shank:

Lucchino claimed he has not read the new book by former Red Sox manager Terry Francona and Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. "Francona, the Red Sox Years" has several unflattering references to Lucchino and his style of management.

"I haven't [read the book]. I know some people find that hard to believe. But it seems logical to me. I want to look forward, not back," he said. "I'm afraid if I do read it, I will find in it inaccuracies and things that will cause me to react to it in a way that would divert me and cause some kind of sideshow instead of dealing with the here and now. It seems perfectly logical to me not to read it. I don't feel any great compulsion to. I may get around to it sooner or later."

However Lucchino gave a terse "no comment" to two questions posed by Shaughnessy during his 31-minute press conference. He then answered the exact same questions posed by other reporters.

If Shank puckers his lips anymore, he's going to look like a blowfish.

Bipolar

Today's 'effort' by Shank focuses on just how aweseomely awesome the 2014 Boston Red Sox are:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — When you really start to think about it, the 2014 Red Sox are a lot like “The Lego Movie.’’

Everything is awesome.

Thursday was the much-anticipated first full-squad workout, and the entire Sox organization gathered for the first time since they all came down off the duck boats last November. The Sox released a photo of owners John Henry, Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, plus Sam Kennedy, Jonathan Gilula, and Dr. Charles Steinberg sitting in Kraft-like high chairs, while general manager Ben Cherington addressed the defending world champs behind closed doors.

Obsessed with Patriots owner Robert Kraft much?

I don't know about you, but I think it's a rather small, petty man who feels the need to trash Patriots ownwership when he writes about the Red Sox.

And speaking of trashing ownership:

We’ve had executives on parade this week at JetBlue. John (William Randolph) Henry had his turn at the bench Wednesday

Now, is Shank lauding (falsely, of course) John Henry as the latest & greatest newspaper magnate, or the scumbag who defamed Annie Oakley with a false story just over a century ago?

Just to be on the safe side, Shank makes sure to perform a thorough ball washing:

While Tom was talking, Mr. Henry, the beloved owner of the Red Sox and the Globe, walked from the clubhouse wearing a black sportcoat, holding an umbrella over his head. It was hard not to think of Gene Kelly, Mary Poppins, or Ray Flynn in the Vatican, but Henry will get the last laugh when the rest of us are peeling sunburned skin off our necks.

And now, let's read about a product so profoundly awful it has to be given away:

The big boss no doubt was pleased at the sight of free Globes for everyone. Snowbirds from New England have been denied the pleasure of reading our vaunted broadsheet in Fort Myers in recent years, but this spring the paper is being printed at a site in Southwest Florida. Globe representatives are literally papering the house at JetBlue. Free Abraham and Cafardo for everyone.

Maybe the locals were lining their birdcages with something else the whole time?

The Mandatory David Ortiz Column

Ever since Big Papi's been making noises about wanting an additional year on his contract at the start of spring training, it's been the central story so far. With yesterday's press conference, and Shank somehow sitting right next to Ortiz, on his right (presumbably within strangling range), he finally gives us his two cents on the situation, and it's worth every penny.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — David Ortiz sees haters. And it motivates him.

Everybody can use a little motivation. Some folks do their best work in the name of love. Some do it out of fear. David Ortiz is driven by a notion that folks want him to fail. He reads something in the paper or hears a radio talk show host saying that he should keep quiet about his request for a contract extension, and he spins it into a regional repudiation of everything he has achieved in Boston.

Throw in some trademark Shaughnessy overstatement & hyperbole:

Ortiz, a Boston sports legend perhaps on a par with Bobby Orr and Tom Brady, wants another year tacked on to his contract and this has resulted in some criticism.

It's good to note that some people have learned at least one lesson from The Godfather:

I’ve been critical of the big fella since he went public with his request and when Ortiz plopped himself down next to me for the start of Wednesday’s presser, he said, “Good to have my friends close and my enemy even closer.’’

And No One Hates The CHB, Either

"Nobody in Boston hates David Ortiz."

So says The CHB today. My take: he's cutting this very fine.

For argument's sake, let's say Shank doesn't "hate" Ortiz. Great. So what to make of this: 
"[T]he Ortiz Problem."

Or this: "Big Papi ... is tone-deaf, selfish, and offensive."

Or this: "[Ortiz's] entire Red Sox career is a lie."

He's called him washed up: "Boston's big problem: Big Papi is past his prime, no longer everyday DH."

And a drug user: Older players "do not get better," and PED users Dominican Republic, just like Papi.

He's made fun of Papi's weight: "He is one of the most famous (and largest) citizens of New England."

He's even compared him to cow manure: "[A] sad sack of you-know-what."

"Big Papi loves to complain about his contract," The CHB writes. 

Almost as much as Shank loves to complain about Big Papi.


P.S. He also compares Ortiz to Bobby Orr and Tom Brady. What, not Larry Bird?

The Obligatory Shane Victorino Column

You kinda get the sense that Shank's columns are following some sort of pattern. I suppose the Ortiz and Farrell columns are waiting their turn in the lineup!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — In those final days of the 2013 baseball season, the Red Sox were the greatest thing since sliced Yaz Bread.

David Ortiz was the guy who hit the season-changing grand slam, then batted .688 in the World Series. Koji Uehara was the indomitable closer, better than anyone who ever finished games in the big leagues. Jon Lester was the playoff ace, John Lackey was Mr. Redemption, and phenom Xander Bogaerts was playing with the poise of a young man bound for Cooperstown.

But Shane Victorino was as good, and as popular, as any of the players who produced the magical postseason run of 2013.

Victorino is the one who hit the grand slam off Jose Veras to defeat the Tigers in the ALCS and Victorino is the one who broke open the final game of the World Series at Fenway Park on that amazing October night.

Shank goes on to recount that Series, Victorino's contract signing and Shane's likely use in the field & lineup in 2014.

There's also an important discussion of introduction / walkup music:

Victorino's Fenway walkup music, Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds,’’ forever will be part of the Boston baseball memory of 2013.

Audience participation peaked during the playoffs when Victorino would walk to the plate to “don’t worry about a thing,’’ and then step into the batter’s box while the crowd joined in with “every little thing gonna be all right.’’

“I would never change it,’’ Victorino said. “It’s going to be around. Pretty much my whole career in Philly, I came up to ‘Buffalo Soldiers’ [another Marley tune]. Day one before [last year’s] All-Star break, I changed it to ‘Three Little Birds’ and by my third at-bat, I could hear little sections of the crowd singing it and then it just carried on.’’

Almost like “Sweet Caroline”?

Damn - off by one column!

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXIII

Dear former commenter Bruce M*** - the Boston Globe is going somewhere!

It wasn't a particularly tough call, but a correct call nonetheless:

Red Sox owner John Henry will soon sell The Boston Globe’s sprawling, 16-acre newsroom on Morrissey Boulevard and move the broadsheet into a smaller facility, according to a report posted today on Boston Magazine’s website.

Henry told the magazine the sale of the property “will provide us with the ability to move into a smaller, more efficient and modern facility in the heart of the city. We believe that there is enough excess value there to fund very important investments in our long-term future, if the community supports development of the property.”

He mentioned no timetable or specific area in the city where he might move the Globe.

The resale value of the property — located close to the Southeast Expressway — long has been regarded as the Globe’s most lucrative asset. Henry purchased the New England Media Group from The New York Times for $70 million last year.

The next obvious step - shitcanning some deadweight!

Reader Melissa H. sends along this article (complete with a ridiculous, groan inducing portrait of John Henry), and notes the following Shank tidbit:

Some staff members have begun to chafe at their boss’s impatience and inexperience, though. After Henry bought Liverpool FC in 2010, Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy made a habit in his column of asking whether he was spread too thin to effectively run the Red Sox (which was three years before John Henry bought the freaking Globe! - Ed.) (in case you’re wondering, McGrory says Shaughnessy has “the safest job in New England”). Now Henry has the Red Sox, Liverpool, and the Globe.

Is anyone convinced of that, except delusional Boston Globe employees like Brian McGrory who now kiss John Henry's ass so they're not the first ones on the chopping block?

The Obligatory Jon Lester Column

Shank turns his attention to the Red Sox pitching ace, who's in the final year of his contract. Shank speculates what could have been, had the Manny Ramirez for Alex Rodriguez trade been successful, for the 900th time:

There are several million “what would have been?’’ thoughts attached to the notion of A-Rod coming to the Red Sox and Ramirez going to the Rangers. It means the 2004 Sox season would have been a whole lot different. We never would have seen Ramirez win World Series MVP, and the Sox would have been the ones strapped with the shameful legacy of A-Rod.

Nomar Garciaparra would have been traded for Magglio Ordonez. There would have been no “Tessie,’’ no “Fever Pitch,’’ and no image of Ramirez diving and cutting off a Johnny Damon relay throw that was bound for the infield.

A-Rod and his purple lips would have set up house on the left side of the Fenway infield and we’d probably never have seen Orlando Cabrera, Edgar Renteria, Julio Lugo, or Stephen Drew. Cameron Diaz and Madonna would have come to Fenway Park. Biogenesis would have made deliveries to the Back Bay.

And Jon Lester would have pitched for the Texas Rangers.

Shank also wonders whether Lester was being truthful when he said he'd take the home team discount if the Red Sox choose to extend his contract:

“I’m not going to go back on what I said,’’ Lester said Monday. “I said what I said from the heart. I mean it. We’ll see where it goes from there. We still got a long way to go.

“It’s going to be a tough process. That’s why I tell those guys, ‘Call me when you got something.’ I don’t want to hear about the day-to-day of it. I’ve got to worry about the field. I can’t worry about that other stuff. It will take care of itself.’’

Any bets on the obligatory John Farrell column for tomorrow?

UPDATE, at 8:39 PM - recent developments indicate better odds for an obligatory David Ortiz column.

The Obligatory Dustin Pedroia Column

Our Man Shank keeps rolling with his third consecutive column in as many days, an interview with the Red Sox starting second baseman.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He’s 30 years old now. He’s the de facto captain of the Red Sox. He’s what Derek Jeter has been with the Yankees for the last two decades. He’s the everyday leader.

Most important, Dustin Pedroia is healthy again. Pedroia had surgery to repair the ulnar collateral ligament in his left thumb last November, and Sunday he made his first appearance in the Red Sox clubhouse.

“Everything went good with the surgery,’’ said Pedroia. “They put a pin in it for four weeks, but now the pin is gone. I kind of got a late start, but the rehab was great. I feel healthy. No setbacks. Everything’s great.’’

Pedroia has seen fire and rain in his seven-plus seasons in Boston. He was a rookie when the Sox won the 2007 World Series. He was Most Valuable Player of the American League when the Sox got to the seventh game of the ALCS one year later. (“A huge letdown. We were four or five innings away. You don’t want that feeling. Once you win, you want to stay there and be on top all the time. It gives us something to push for.’’) He lived through the final days of Terry Francona, the clown show of Bobby Valentine, and the worst-to-first redemption tour of 2013.

I'm sure he'll work in something from "Sweet Caroline" in the next column...

Familiar Subject Matter?

Prepare for the onslaught of Red Sox columns! Shank's in his second day at Fort Myers, Florida and we're treated to a theme that's probably near and dear to his heart.

World Series hangover has hurt Red Sox

As the Sox’ pitchers and catchers report for duty in defense of the 2013 championship season, we look back at the last five seasons after the magic years in which the Red Sox made it to the World Series.

■ 1968. 86-76. Fourth place in the 10-team American League, 17 games behind the first-place Tigers.

Shank then proceeds to chronicle the other Red Sox teams (1976, 1987, 2005 and 2008) that followed postseason success. It's noteworthy that Shank put a great deal of effort into this column, since the focus is on player injuries, losing streaks / seasons and general lack of success.

When the theme is a negative one, Shank writes his best columns.

Half Baked

Today we learn that there's snow in the Northeast, sun in Florida, and that the Red Sox clubhouse workers are hard-working and not paid as well as the players.

Thanks, Dan!

P.S. I was expecting him to dump on those players past and present who are habitually late to spring training (after all, when does The CHB miss an opportunity to rag on Latinos?), but it appears he is saving it for next time.

Picked Up Pablum

Shank awakens from his mini-hibernation to inflict another picked-up pieces column on the readers of the Boston Globe. It's unsurprising in its content - a jumble of random and semi-interesting (and some not so interesting) thoughts and opinions.

Some picked-up pieces while watching every movie that Philip Seymour Hoffman ever made . . .

Because when you want a movie review, always turn to Dan Shaughnessy!

The only thing to note in this 'column' is the occasional effort by Shank to rewrite history. In this case, he continues to pretend that he's never, ever, ever been part of the Roger Clemens' Critics Club.

Count me as one who would have honored Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens separately for the Red Sox Hall of Fame. Nomar Garciaparra also probably deserves his own night. That said, the anti-Clemens backlash around here always has been over the top. In his pre-roids days, Clemens was a great pitcher for the Red Sox, winning 192 games in a Boston uniform, tied for first with Cy Young. He was also a charitable and giving member of our community. There is no measurement for giving back, but a few of our worshiped athletes got in and out of Boston with stellar reputations and did not do one-10th of the charity work done by Roger Clemens.

Interesting, Shank. Is this part of the 'over the top' backlash around here (December 14, 2007)?

There was much gum-flapping after the release of the report, and debate will rage forever. No one will be satisfied, but here in Boston and across Baseball America, we know the biggest loser of Dec. 13, 2007, was Roger Clemens.

The Rocket's résumé was flushed down the toilet yesterday when he was dimed out by a report that relies heavily on witnesses of questionable credibility. The report holds that Clemens was a steroid guy, starting in 1998 and continuing through two years with the Yankees (2000-01). The juicy disclosure might not hold up in court...

Or this, a mere five days later?

"The walls were closing in. Roger Clemens had to do something. Going all McGwire on us wasn't going to get him out of this one.

Fraud. Cheat. Liar. Hypocrite. Juicer. Clemens in the last week emerged as the five-tool player of the Mitchell Report.

First he was dimed out by Brian McNamee, a former trainer who had nothing to gain and much to lose (prison time) by lying to George Mitchell....

It's more than Mark McGwire ever did, but it's hardly a threat to sue the pants off Mitchell and McNamee. We are left to wonder when, precisely, comes "the appropriate time" for Clemens to answer questions. Will that be when O.J. starts looking for the real killer?"

Fast forward to August 24, 2010, when Shank fell for Clemens' now much vaunted 'acts' of charity, disguised as an act contrition:

Let me tell you the story of Clementine.

Clementine is a 6-foot-tall white teddy bear that sits in a shed behind my house. Clementine is 16 years old and a little worn around the edges. The big bear is dirty, moth-ridden, and has duct tape covering holes where stuffing would come out.

Clementine came to our house in a giant cardboard box delivered in a UPS truck in the winter of 1993-94. When the driver and I discovered that the return address was “Katy, Texas,’’ we checked to see if the thing was ticking. Roger Clemens was no friend of mine, and I was concerned the box might contain a Trojan Horse or some other mayhem maker.

No. It contained a get-well gift for 8-year-old Kate Shaughnessy, who’d just been diagnosed with leukemia. There was an autographed baseball from Clemens and the big white bear. Kate smiled and named him/her Clementine. And Clementine stayed in her room until she graduated from college.

So if Shank ever decides to lecture his readers about the meaning of 'charity begins at home', or why Roger Clemens is now such a great guy in his eyes, you'll know his definition of the phrase, and you'll also know why the about face on his opinion of The Rocket. I'm not buying his bullshit on this issue, and neither should you.

Losing It

If it weren't for the fact that there's always a losing team, Shank would have nothing to write about.

That's a commenter from one of Shank's columns a few years ago, and it's a perfect summation of today's column:

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — All year long it was about Peyton Manning. Leading the highest-scoring team in the history of the league, he threw an NFL-record 55 touchdown passes. It was suggested that he enjoyed the best year in the history of the quarterback position. He was Sports Illustrated’s “Sportsman of the Year,’’ and garnered 49 of 50 first-place votes in MVP balloting.

And so we came to New Jersey for the first outdoor Super Bowl in a cold-weather climate and all the talk was about Manning. Again. Super Bowl XLVIII was going to cement Manning’s legacy as the greatest quarterback ever.

No. Manning gave us Make Way For Ducklings. He was crushed, smothered, and shredded by Pete Carroll’s defense as the Seattle Seahawks demolished the Denver Broncos, 43-8, in the 48th Super Bowl. Manning completed a Super Bowl-record 34 passes for 280 yards, but it was like watching Carmelo Anthony score 41 in a 30-point loss. Empty, garbage-time numbers.

Manning was intercepted twice and lost a fumble. He didn’t get the Broncos on the board until the final minute of the third quarter, when it was 36-0.

Bottom line: The Broncos were annihilated. They were the embodiment of the Tomato Can Conference that was the AFC in 2013.

Dan, Dan, the Stats Can

The CHB mocks Peyton Manning and dances on the still-warm bodies of the Denver Broncos, and today's hit job offers a little something for everyone, whether they were at the game or not.

• Patriots fans are "yahoos."
• Roger Goodell is "lucky."
• Chris Christie blocks traffic. 
• And the AFC is the alternately the "Powder Puff Conference" and the "Tomato Can Conference." 

Let's focus on this last insult, shall we, since it's been a favorite Shank refrain all season.

In fact, the NFC "manhandled" (sarcasm intended) the AFC during the regular season, beating them in head-to-head games by an "overwhelming" (more sarcasm) 34-30 mark.

Oddly, in fact, only one NFC division -- the NFC West -- had a winning record against the AFC. Meanwhile, three AFC teams -- the Raiders, Texans and Jaguars -- each went 0-4 against their NFC counterparts. In short, the AFC's three weakest sisters were the difference.

Two AFC teams went undefeated against the NFC, and vice versa. And of the 12 teams that lost one or fewer non-conference games, it was split evenly at six AFC and six NFC.

So much for tomato cans.

It would have been relevant, if wholly out of character, had Shank mentioned the Broncos offensive line, which apparently was stuck in traffic and never made it to the game. But that would require 1) some football knowledge and awareness and 2) him to write his column without the benefit of five or eight hours of crushing beers in the "Seinfeldesque" press box. Not. Gonna. Happen.

No Rhythm in His 'Carroll-ing'

Just three years ago, Pete Carroll was a Shaughnessy punchline:

"Now 70 years old, [Bob] Kraft has been the face of the Patriots since Jan. 21, 1994 when he bought the franchise from James Orthwein. He went through some growing pains in the early years - announcing he was moving the team to Hartford, publicly feuding with coach Bill Parcells, and sometimes getting a little too involved with football operations. His first coaching hire was Pete Carroll.

But Kraft proved to be a quick study ...."

Fast forward to today, and now it's "Carroll was the victim of the Patriot owner’s learning curve."

Sorry to say, we remember the past. Here's what The CHB said of Carroll in 1999, while he was still the Pats coach: "Leaderless, clueless, simmering on the edge of mutiny, the Patriots lurch toward December facing a series of winnable games. "But it's hard to make a case for them. It feels like the window is closing in on the young, talented group that made it to the Super Bowl just before Carroll's arrival."

Huh.

Here's what's funny. Carroll shot Shaughnessy down in 2007, pointing out what an utter reject of a sportswriter he is: "It’s too bad you didn’t get it. You didn’t figure out what I could have brought you. You guys never knew. You never asked me any questions. You guys never figured out who I was. You never even asked. We talked about hamstrings and shoulders and stuff. You guys never did figure it out. It was terrible and it didn’t have to be like that. But all of that having been said, we were just a couple of football decisions from being on the other side of it.”

Classic.

Wonder if Shank still thinks the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl?

In any case, let's just wait for the column Monday, where he calls the Carroll firing Bob Kraft's worst decision.

DHL Dan - XXX

Shank has this habit of mailing in about half of his Super Bowl columns, and today he comes through once again.

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Welcome to Exit 16W off the New Jersey Turnpike; where the polar vortex was supposed to meet the Roman numeral; where sideline seats cost $100,000 and a 20-ounce cup of beer goes for $14; where you can’t be sure if gameday traffic might be caused by an angry governor.

Maybe you’ve heard, they are playing the Super Bowl outdoors at MetLife Stadium this year. They’re playing the game at the home of the New York Giants and Jets, in the state that gave us Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Tony Soprano.

It’s a nice matchup. We have the NFL’s best offense against the league’s best defense. The Denver Broncos vs. the Seattle Seahawks. The Broncos have been in six other Super Bowls, winning twice when John Elway was an old quarterback. Now Elway serves the Broncos the way Cam Neely serves the Boston Bruins and the old quarterback for the Broncos is Peyton Manning.

Don't waste your time with the rest of this garbage, unless you're a masochist. Anyone paying even scant attention to football already knows just about everything Shank talks about, and I don't see a single interesting thing in this column, which is the biggest offence a columnist can commit.

Dan Shaughnessy Death Watch(?) - III

John Henry purchased the Boston Globe in late October 2013 for $70 million, a deal I characterized back in August 2013 as a play on the Globe's real estate value, the sorting out of which remains to be seen.

For you Rush fans out there, Mr. Henry has now assumed control:

Red Sox owner John Henry named himself publisher of The Boston Globe yesterday and former Hill Holliday head Mike Sheehan as chief executive officer — a move that demonstrates Henry’s day-to-day focus on the broadsheet, Sheehan told the Herald.

“He’s going to be very active in the strategic direction overall at the Globe, which he’s eminently capable of doing,” said Sheehan. “It’s a reflection that he is going to be active. ... This is not a hobby.”

I don't care how rich you are - while I haven't studied John Henry's career in great detail, it should be self-evident that anyone who buys a company wants that company to make money in order (in accounting and auditing terms) to continue as a going concern. Based on a ignominious $1 billion loss and cumulative twenty-year record of financial failure in that area, I would trust that Mr. Henry has a plan that does not rely on the delivery of the dead-tree news model to affect a return to profitability.

Sheehan, like Henry, stressed the importance of the Hub remaining a two-newspaper town.

“I believe the stronger the Herald is, the stronger the Globe is,” said Sheehan, “and the stronger Boston is.”

Sheehan is also the treasurer of The One Fund Boston, the charity that raises money for Boston Marathon victims.

Henry declined comment to the Herald yesterday through a spokeswoman, but said in a statement: “My main role as publisher is to ensure that the Globe has the right management and that management has the resources to accomplish its mission.”

I'm not so sure about that. The only difference between the two newspapers has been the rate of loss, in financial terms, market share, or circulation numbers. I do not claim to be a businessman on Mr. Henry's level, but I have some thoughts on this matter and I would rather be mauled by Great White sharks in Wollaston Harbor than reveal them to management and ownership of the Boston Globe. That's just how I roll...

Editor's note - the Roman numeral in the post title has been included to reflect the number of times The DSW has used 'Death Watch' as a blog post label as speculation / offhand hope that John Henry, current owner of the Boston Globe, performs selective and specific downsizing of certain Sports section staff columnists and so-called associate editors. This may also replace posts formerly known as 'And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - ???', since the primary focus of those posts was to highlight the piss poor financial performance of the Boston Globe as an alleged for-profit corporation. In that sense, I suppose you could successfully argue they are now a non-profit entity!

Slightly Rewriting History

Shank continues his torrid pace, writing another Super Bowl column, this time focusing on Pete Carroll. You might remember Carroll as a former coach of the New England Patriots. You might also remember Shank's praise of Carroll from that era:

NEW YORK — Boola boola. Yahoo. Pumped and jacked. Pete the Poodle Carroll is in the Super Bowl.

I absolutely love this. Everybody loves this. We all love Pete and we will never forget his place in New England sports history.

Except that this lovefest wasn't always the case:

It took less than four years, but the hubris and blundering of Messrs. Kraft, Carroll, and Bobby Grier have created a team that can lose to the new Cleveland Browns by a hideous count of 19-11. …

Slightly less hideous:

As they stumble through a nightmarish middle season (four losses in five games, five in seven games) and we face the ugly, heretofore unthinkable prospect that the defending AFC champs might not even make the playoffs, coach Pete Carroll and quarterback Drew Bledsoe have emerged as favorite whipping boys for Patriot Nation.

For the past seventeen years, Shank has absolutely hated Patriot owner Bob Kraft, which I've never really understood, and Shank just wants to take a few more cheap shots:

Pete Carroll forever will be the Other Guy who coached the Patriots. He was the bridge (1997-99) from Bill Parcells to Bill Belichick. He was the one with the whistle around his neck when silly Bob Kraft (in the pre-Hugh Hefner days) was walking around with a stopwatch, talking about drafting “press corners’’ and interfering with his head coach.

It was the age of Amos Alonzo Kraft, and Carroll was the victim of the Patriot owner’s learning curve. The Patriots let Curtis Martin go to the Jets. Kraft turned player personnel over to Bobby Grier. The Krafts stuck their noses into the football operation and poor Pete was powerless to make things right.

Lynched

"In my view, every player has a right to remain silent. ... It’s not the guys who don’t talk that bother me."

So says The CHB today, maintaining a Lou Gehrig-like streak of consecutive columns of total BS.

Not every word of today's "effort" is false, of course. For instance, Shank writes, "Manny Ramirez exercised that right [to ignore the press] for long stretches and we didn’t think any less of him for it."

This is actually true. Shaughnessy hated Manny because he was 1) Hispanic, 2) paid $20 million a year, 3) beloved by fans no matter what he did, and 4) Hispanic. Whether he spoke with the press was moot.

He doesn't mention Nomar Garciaparra today (although he did yesterday) but Nomar would be another one. As The CHB wrote a few years ago, "What a fraud. Nobody hated the media more with less cause than our guy Nomie." Yep, Nomar didn't talk much to the media either. He was completely articulate about why, however, noting that while he recognized the press had a job to do, that making their job easy wasn't his job." But again, Nomar was 1) Hispanic, 2) paid $15 million a year, 3) beloved by fans no matter what he did, and 4) Hispanic.

This is the best part: Four grafs from the end of the column, this little bit gets thrown in, sans transitions or explanation as to its relevance: "Lynch is 5 feet 11 inches, weighs 215 pounds, grew up in Oakland and went to California. His mom’s name is Delisa Lynch and he has a brother named Davonte. A couple of his cousins played professional football. He played three-plus seasons with the Buffalo Bills and has been with Seattle since the 2010 season. He rushed for 1,257 yards this year and scored 14 touchdowns."

Thanks, Dan. Without you, I might never had known Marshawn's mother's name is Delisa. Delisa!

Out of Place

Maybe you've heard Bill Belichick and the Patriots are not playing in the Super Bowl this weekend.

If so, would you please inform The CHB. Because I don't think he knows.

Else, why would he ask Broncos wide receiver Wes Welker, "Why does Bill hate you?"  (Appropriately, Welker replied by saying that's a question for his former coach.)

Then Shank rips on Randy Moss ("one of those wildly talented ballplayers who hated and disrespected the media during his playing career, then joined the media as soon as the paychecks stop coming"), all the while not fully realizing that the ex player was far more able to ask relevant questions (and extract relevant answers) from Welker.

Being shown up by Moss, no one's definition of Einstein, would be enough to send most self-respecting humans sportswriters back to their caves.

Not Shaughnessy. He tries once more to divine Welker's thoughts: "He’s also driven to win a Super Bowl. For himself. And to stick it in Bill’s face one more time."

Does anyone really think, on the even of the biggest game in American sports, Welker is giving his former coach a second thought?

Of course not. But even at the Super Bowl, The CHB has to try to stir up trouble.

Cashed Out

Even though he hasn't given The CHB his walking papers -- yet -- I have to give John Henry credit: Shaughnessy is actually working for a living, for a change.

Yet while the effort is there, the output, well, not so much.

His second column in two days (!) is a tired attempt to paint David Ortiz as whiny and greedy. Oh sure, Big Papi wants a new deal. (Who doesn't?) But Papi is the one guy who is so revered in Boston, that minority or no, The CHB just can't outright take the knife to him like he wants to.

Still, he calls a player who is coming off one of the most remarkable seasons in baseball history, one in which he carried to a World Series crown a Red Sox team predicted by none other than The CHB to finish last, and who in adhering to the long-standing practice of athletes in the final year of their contract asks for a new deal, "tone-deaf, selfish, and offensive."

And he trots out perhaps the weakest of the straw man arguments, comparing Ortiz's situation to that of Curt Schilling's following the 2007 season: "After Curt Schilling staggered through the 2007 playoffs, winning on smarts and guile, someone thought it would be a good idea to bring him back for $8 million in 2008. Schilling never threw another pitch in the big leagues."

As if it makes any sense to compare a pitcher whom (just about) everyone knew needed arm surgery to a hitter coming off a 30 homer season in which he also hit .309. 

But the Sox would be bidding against themselves, whines The CHB. "National League teams won’t hire him and the Red Sox are just about the only team still paying big bucks to a full-time DH."

Well, let's see: Big Papi was 44th in all of baseball last year in wins above replacement (WAR). That's out of 955 batters who appeared in a major league game during the 2013 Championship season. Ortiz then hit a clutch grand slam home run to turn around the Tigers in the ALCS, and clobbered .688 to finish off the Cardinals. Maybe, just maybe, the Red Sox know something all those other teams don't.

"The Sox know what it’s like to have dead money on the books," writes The CHB. 

Yes, and so does John Henry, every time he picks up the Boston Globe Sports section. 

The Rem Dawg Returns

Jerry Remy, on a self-imposed television exile since the August 2013 indictment of his son Jared on murder charges, will return to NESN this year to broadcast Red Sox games.

In an emotional and unconventional half-hour session in a NESN boardroom Monday, Jerry Remy met with a small group of reporters and told us he has decided to come back for a 27th season as color commentator on Red Sox telecasts.

The hardest part was . . .

All of it.

Every word. Every pause. Every question. Every answer. Every attempt to hold back tears. All of it was hard. None of it was easy. Nothing will ever be easy again for Jerry Remy or any of the families devastated by the murder of Jennifer Martel.

“Call me a bad father if you want,’’ Remy said softly when asked about the series of crimes and reports that have been a plague on his house. “But I’ll be damned if my wife is not a good parent.’’

You know the tragic story. Remy, 61, was cruising through his 26th season in the broadcast booth last August when his son Jared was arrested and charged with the murder of Martel, the 27-year-old woman who was the mother of Jared Remy’s then-4-year-old daughter. A troubled man with a lengthy criminal record, Jared Remy is incarcerated awaiting trial, and multiple families are forever damaged.

The column reads as sympathetic towards Jerry Remy, a notable change from Shank's usual M.O. of hyperbolic criticism, passing of judgment and running athletes out of town. In fact, I'll add that Shank's restraint here is remarkable. At least he's consistent in this particular situation.

Peace And Quiet

Now that Shank doesn't have the Patriots to kick around anymore, he turns his attention to the 2014 Red Sox, his column possibly motivated by the recent free agent signings by the New York Yankees.

Listen . . .

Hear that sound of silence? The big fat nothing?

This is the sound of the Red Sox offseason of 2013-14. Neil Diamond no doubt would call it “a beautiful noise.’’

Nope, not dating ourselves here!

The Red Sox are the reigning world champs and everything is just swell in the Nation. The Sox can do no wrong. They can lose their starting center fielder, shortstop, and catcher and hear nothing but applause from the cheap (and expensive) seats. The Boston Strong, worst-to-first campaign of 2013 has made the Sox almost bulletproof from question and criticism.

So, let's devote a column to the relative inaction of the Red Sox' offseason.

Familiar With The Subject Matter

This is the second chapter from yesterday's column, the 2013-2014 New England Patriot's epitaph.

Bill Belichick obviously hates Wes Welker

DENVER — A day later, some clarity.

We know for sure now that Bill Belichick hates Wes Welker with the power of 1,000 suns. Belichick blames Welker for dropping a pass that cost him a Super Bowl ring two years ago.

Does anyone recall Bill Belichick actually saying anything explicit about this? I sure don't recall it, and a quick check of the archives don't mention anything specifically about that game and it's aftermath.

But then the game started, and it was obvious. Tom Brady had no one to throw the ball to. Amendola, the man who replaced Welker, was targeted only once and dropped the throw, a no-show performance that would put the Celtics’ Jeff Green to shame. Meanwhile, Welker — Peyton Manning’s fourth option in the Broncos’ pinball offense — caught four passes for 38 yards.

Welker also took Aqib Talib out of the game with a pick-play block.

And now Belichick hates him more than ever.

This, from a columnist that has criticized and run out of town more athletes than I have time to write about.

Belichick has been unusually contrite these last couple of days. Sunday he talked of “mistakes, especially by me,’’ and Monday he said, “Nobody makes more mistakes around here than I do.’’

Everyone forgives you, Bill. You took this team much further than it deserved to go. But some of the mistakes were made last spring and summer. And letting Welker go was one of those mistakes.

He’s going to the Super Bowl. And the Patriots are picking up pieces of their broken luck. Again.

You can almost picture Shank with a shit-eating grin when he's writing this column, can't you?

It's Over, Patriots

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the column Shank has been dying to write for the better part of a decade.

Championship days are all over for the Patriots

DENVER — So there. In the end, it was about talent and merit, instead of myth and legacy. It turns out that an appearance in the Super Bowl is not an entitlement.

In the end, the overachieving, house-of-cards Patriots were simply not good enough to go to the Meadowlands for Super Bowl XLVIII. Not even close. The amazing part is that a lot of folks actually believed this team was going back to the big game.

Shank writes a pro-forma paragraph here and sentence there 'congratulating' the Patriots for what they've done this season, then devotes the rest of the column shedding crocodile tears and mounting nearly every criticism possible, as the Patriot's championship years are now long behind them.

It's worth noting the effort that Shank seems to put into epitaph columns such as this one. Hell, he probably had half of it written before kickoff.

Wilt! Get It?

Today's column by Shank looks at Peyton Manning and his performances in playoff games, and speculates on Manning's performance on Sunday against Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.

Peyton Manning can’t afford to wilt now

Patriots fans think the Patriots are going to win Sunday because they are confident Tom Brady will play better than Peyton Manning in any big game.

Manning will choke.

That’s the book.

A case can be made that, excluding Super Bowls, this AFC Championship is the biggest, grandest, most-hyped NFL contest of the last 50 years. It’s the 15th playing of the NFL’s 1812 Overture. Bill Belichick has a chance to tie Tom Landry as the winningest playoff coach in NFL history. Brady is already the winningest quarterback in postseason history (18 victories as a starter), and with one more championship, he can join Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw in the exclusive four-ring club.

Fair enough. Shank, however, overstates a few facts to support his column.

It’s amazing. Manning has morphed into Wilt Chamberlain. Despite all the awards (Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year in 2013) and commercials, he is disrespected on a par with no athlete this side of Alex Rodriguez.

Except that this statement isn't true with Manning's peers:

As part of ESPN's NFL Nation Confidential survey of more than 320 players, the questions were asked, "If you had to start a team with one player, whom would it be?" and "Which player do you respect the most?"

And Manning was the top choice for both.

Manning was the leading vote-getter as first pick to start a team, with 62 votes (19 percent). Andrew Luck, who replaced Manning in Indianapolis, received 56 votes, and Tom Brady was third with 41 votes.

More from Shank:

Oh, and you know the rest of it. Imagine how great Tom Brady would be if he’d had Manning’s receivers through the years. Tom never had Reggie Wayne or Marvin Harrison.

Except that Tom had, over the years (among others) Troy Brown, Wes Welker, Randy Moss, Gronk and Aaron Hernandez. Not exactly third-tier receivers and tight ends.

Manning never had the defenses that Brady had in New England.

I don't recall the Colts having bad defenses, and when you throw in names like Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders, you could say that the Colts had pretty good defenses. With Denver, their defense has improved during the year and played well against San Diego last week.

You almost get the sense that Shank's backtracking a bit from Wednesday's column.

Finger On The Pulse

Hayden Bird of Streetwise Media is all over Shank's schtick:

Every Time I Read Dan Shaughnessy, I Die a Little Inside

Calm down people, and ignore the troll. He plays a very cynical game with New England sports fans, and to his Machiavellian credit, he usually wins. Whether it's waxing poetic about the Red Sox being sure to suck this year, or conjuring David Ortiz PED rumors out of thin air, he types words without ever actually saying anything himself. His only intention, which he clings to desperately, is to upset and anger the largest number of local fans possible. For this reason, I die a little inside every time I read him.

I can't quite tell if it's his obviously cynical strategy to troll the hell out of New England fans just to get attention, or simply the fact that he genuinely doesn't care if he's actually right about anything. Like some curly-haired, red-cheeked Voldemort, he just doesn't seem to have a soul.

I can't speak for Hayden here, but I don't die myself one little bit when I read Shank's columns; he's not worth it.

Stirring The Pot Or Telling The Truth?

Shank looks ahead to Sunday's AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Broncos, and doesn't like what he sees:

The Broncos are going to beat the Patriots Sunday.

Sorry, that’s just the way I see it. I am not rooting for the Broncos. I am not into Satanic worship. Please do not kill my whole family. I am often wrong (remember the 2013 Red Sox, destined for last place?) and hopefully for New England fans, I will be wrong again.

So the Patriots have that going for them!

The Patriots have proven folks wrong time and again. Overcoming doubters is the foundation of the Patriot franchise.

Doubting the Patriots this weekend is hardly a daring position. They are significant underdogs in Vegas.

Would you call a five point underdog 'significant'? Ten points or more, yes, but not five.

Most of the national TV panel guys will pick against New England.

How did that last big game prediction work out for them?

Some of the handicapping local car dealers will pick the Broncos. There might even be a footy-pajama fanboy or two with doubts about the Patriots’ ability to beat Peyton Manning.

For what it's worth, Tom Brady is 10-4 in head-to-head matchups with Peyton Manning. If Shank thinks the Patriots are going to lose, that's all I need to take the Patriots.

DHL Dan - XXIX

Nothing says mailed-in column quite like a paint-by numbers game recap of the Patriots 43-22 win over the Colts, a few quotes from Brady & Belichick, and plenty of Shankisms.

Definitely a column worth not reading.

DHL Dan - XXVIII

Is it possible to take the day off on the same day you write a column?

It is if your name is Shank and you tell the fanboy masses how awesome the New England Patriots are on Saturday nights. Shank does the heavy lifting for you and notes their record is 5 - 0 on those nights, then tells you about each of those games.

That's it. The entire column is summed up in those two sentences. Worth every penny we're paying for...

Stupid Sanctimonious Prick

That could sum up Shank's entire career at the John Henry Boston Globe, but this piece of crap column has plenty of contradictions and a dash of holier than thou attitude.

How do we change Hall of Fame process?

The Hall of Fame vote has been announced. Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and Frank Thomas will be enshrined in Cooperstown this summer.

Some takeaways:

Local fanboy showing a provincial attitude? Check:

■ Big congrats to Glavine, a Billerica guy who had to choose between hockey and baseball. It will be a long time (probably never) before we see another young man from the Merrimack Valley grow up to win 300 games in the major leagues.

Submit a ballot of your own that has plenty of logical contradictions, then have the nerve to complain about other ballots? Check:

■ Sixteen of 571 voters did not vote for Maddux. These are 16 people who will not concede that Friday traditionally follows Thursday. They will dispute that penicillin was a good discovery for civilization. You know the thinking: two wrongs make a right. “Willie Mays wasn’t unanimous? I’ll be damned if I vote for Greg Maddux on the first ballot.”

But he'll sleep better knowing he's not the sole voter responsible for this omission:

■ Craig Biggio missed by two votes. He was named on 74.8 percent of the ballots. Thank God he missed by two votes, and not one. I did not vote for Biggio and it would have been tough to sleep at night knowing a single non-vote kept a guy out of Cooperstown.

Viewed that way, Shank, you bear half the 'responsibility' for Biggio not making the Hall of Fame. I do hope you manage to sleep comfortably until he's elected into the Hall.

Actually, no I don't...

...
■ Jack Morris is gone from the ballot. Morris was the poster child for old-school voters. He’s a 1980s star who had a high ERA (3.90) but still won 254 games, pitched 175 complete games, and was a World Series MVP. He is hereby turned over to the Veterans Committee. This makes the Stat Pack very happy.

At least part of Shank will sleep well at night knowing that, despite his best efforts, Jack Morris will eventually make it in, just not this year. And in the end, getting a good night's sleep is what really matters, isn't it? Nitey-nite, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Rich In Irony Department:

■ The vitriol in the Hall of Fame debate is officially off the charts. It’s way past, “You’re fat, you’re ugly.’’ Today the emboldened fanboys want votes stripped from those who disagree with Basement Nation. It’s not enough to disagree. It’s no longer, “I like Morris, you like Mussina.” It’s, “Vote the way I vote, or please die.’’ Truly an uncivil climate.

The poster child for Boston's intemperate sportswriters and columnists, everyone!

■ Sanctimonious? Out of touch? “Get Off My Lawn!’’ Thy name is BBWAA. No group is more easily ridiculed. That said, it would be nice if the legion of critics would come forward with solutions.

What is the answer to this flawed voting process?

According to Shank, it is not this guy:

■ The wildly talented Dan Le Batard of ESPN turns out to be the voter who chose to mock the system by turning over his vote to a website that exists solely for the purpose of embarrassing people.

Embarrassing people? One wonders if Shank is blissfully not self-aware of that concept or simply doesn't give a rat's ass. I vote for the latter...

A lot of hard-working men and women have been involved in this process for 75 years, and like the rest of us, Le Batard was fortunate to be included in the process.

Effecting change from within is difficult. Anonymous betrayal and ridicule is easy. A stand-up guy would have recused himself.

If you were Shank, who has apparently given this subject some level of thought as noted above, you'd think that Dan LeBatard's 'mock(ing) the system' might be one of the additional actions necessary to effect change or improvement in the process. Apparently not.

Radio Chaos

Here's what well-known football critic and Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy told an Indianapolis radio station today:

"I’m begging [the Colts] to come in here and play up to [their] potential; in my view, [the Patriots] are one of the worst 12-4 teams ever assembled.”

(And no, The CHB did not mention the other crappy 12-4 teams on his list.)

Rooting for the story, eh? Well the story is The CHB's incessant flip-flopping, which at this point is probably giving him whiplash.

Wanting It Both Ways - II

Every now and then, the Shankster's columns make for national mock and ridicule. Yesterday's column is one of them. A brief sample of the comments:

Screw you, Shaughnessy. This is such an obvious setup for a potential post-Pats-loss "ha, ha, you suckers thought this team was invincible" column that it's ridiculous.

Colt 45, Pats 10. I normally would think the Pats would win this game, but the author of that article just buried the Pats in his douchiness.

It's just that (a) Shaughnessy's trolling is 100% predictable and paint-by-numbers, (b) someone actually pays him a salary to do it, and pays to send him on the road to cover large events, and (c) as somedude210 said, people outside New England read CHB and think he speaks for us when locals generally hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.

What a cocksucker. Does he not watch the NFL? Is he not aware that the Colts beat San Fran, Denver, and Seattle?

Wait, CHB is calling the Colts lucky? Did he watch the Patriots play at all this season?

If the Patriots' success hinged on how big a douche their sportswriters were, they wouldn't have won a game since the Nixon administration.

Pay no attention to the hack behind the curtain. He is just trying to pump up the market for his new book about the Curse of the Hobbino, which explores the widespread belief that the Patriots will never win another Super Bowl due to their mistreatment of star defensive back Ellis Hobbs.

The One Where He Wants It Both Ways

The Patriots stink, but they will still win on Sunday because the Colts stink more.

That's The CHB's take today.

The Colts are 22-10 over the past two years. It's tough to call them patsies. (The Pats have won 24 over that same time.) It is not, as The CHB says, "just like two years ago." Andrew Luck is not Tim Tebow.

But here's where Shank goes off the ledge: "The abject mediocrity of the AFC is now the Patriots’ best friend. And so we can only ask: In a season in which no team has distinguished itself, why can’t a depleted Patriots team go all the way to the Super Bowl?"

Well, why doesn't he answer that himself, like he did on Dec. 16:, when he asserted that "these Patriots simply are not that good. [T]he notion that they were the AFC’s top seed is laughable."

To sum up Shank's argument: the Pats will make it to the Super Bowl, but it's because no team in the AFC, Patriots included, are any good.

Rem Badge of Courage

The "Bravest Columnist Joe Sullivan Has Ever Known" takes a break from writing about, well, nothing, to pen what most would consider a serious-minded column ... and then fails to provide an opinion.

Yes, indeed, while Shank has no problem offering his keen insights into such vital issues as "The Top 12 QBs in the Playoffs" or "BarStools I Have Known and Loved," when he attempts to handle something heavy, he inevitably kicks the can down the road.

Remy, the popular Red Sox announcer, has been sidelined since last year after his son reportedly murdered his girlfriend. It appears the exile is self-imposed, as NESN indicates it would like Remy to return.

What does The CHB think about this "awful and awkward" situation? "Now [Remy] has to make a hard decision."

How insightful.

How poetic.

How brave.

DHL Dan XXVII

A day after John Henry the Boston Globe snubs Shank's latest book on baseball, Shank responds with the most obligatory, boring and predictable of NFL playoff columns - the quarterback rating column!

When it comes to handicapping the NFL playoffs, it’s all about quarterbacks. The tournament starts Saturday, when the Chiefs play at Indianapolis. Here’s one man’s ranking of the 12 QBs in the 2014 postseason.

To anyone that follows football, that's probably the most informative part of the column, and the rest of it is equally uninspired and underwhelming.

Truly an epic mail-in job of biblical proportions...

Booked (Not So) Solid

Good judgment, or a Shanktastic oversight?

Either way, The Boston Globe dissed The CHB's memoir with Terry Francona, as it failed to make the Globe's top sports books of the year.

Perhaps the 2013 Series win undercut just a little of Francona/Shaughnessy's argument that management cared more about marketing than on-field results.

Deep Thoughts By Jack Handey

Someone must have pissed in Shank's Wheaties this morning:

The Patriots are not that good. Just as the Red Sox were not that good. Too much has happened to the New England football team. Too many subtractions. Too many injuries. Too many close games and comebacks generated by stupid and scared opponents. This New England team is artificially inflated by a terrible division and not built for playoff success.

Maybe the Patriots can ride these doubts all the way to the Meadowlands, all the way down Boylston Street in February.

Here are some takeaways from watching 15 hours (including pregame and postgame programming) of football Sunday . . .

Among those takeaways: The Cincinnati Bengals are 'tomato cans', former Tampa Bay coach Greg Schiano is 'Belichick’s favorite pigeon', and it will be hard for the Patriots to win in Denver.

Incisive analysis like this is why Shank gets the big bucks...

Halling Down

Today The CHB complains how the availability of better data actually makes voting for the Hall of Fame more difficult. (It doesn't.)

In fact, it makes things EASIER! Here's the CHB on Jack Morris: "The sun-starved stat geeks hate him because — according to the new metrics — winning games and pitching well in clutch situations is wildly overrated. His ERA (3.90) is too high."

Pitching well in the clutch, eh? Well, one of those sun-starved stat geeks actually sat down and looked at every single Jack Morris start over his career, inning by inning, and he found, empirically,

1. No pattern in when Jack Morris allowed runs.
2. Morris was "at his worst" in one-run and tied games. "In fact," writes Joe Sheehan, "that looks like what you might find in a theoretical 'unclutch' pitcher, someone who chokes when the game is close."

Then there's Shank's timeless "character" complaint, the dreaded "Rule 5," which dictates voters take into account the player's integrity, sportsmanship and character.

As if Ted Williams never popped a greenie. As if Gaylord Perry didn't throw a spitter.

Btw, he is voting for Jack Morris, Curt Schilling, Frank Thomas, Tom Glavine, and Greg Maddux. So in short, he says that baseball's all-time leader in home runs and the No. 3 leader in strikeouts, among others, are not worthy, because they cheated (PEDs) but neither are Jeff Bagwell and Mike Piazza because they looked like they might have cheated. Huh. (Neither Bagwell nor Piazza ever failed a drug test but you know who did get busted for steroids? Manny Alexander -- all 5'10, 150 lb. of him.)

Indeed, it would take one of those sun-starved stat geeks to explain Shank's rationale, which is off-the-charts bad. He doesn't vote for Craig Biggio, since he had only one 200-hit season (Yaz and Williams combined for 0). He doesn't vote for Mike Mussina (he always pitched for good teams), while ignoring that Jack Morris also always pitched for good teams. You can't make this up.

Btw, Dan, you look like you could use a good tanning session or three yourself. Maybe time to find a nice beer garden? I'm sure someone will save your stool at The Fours.

Pig-Headed Skin

Opinions are like assholes: Everyone has one, and they all stink.

Which is why "sports columnist" is the appropriate occupation for one Dan Shaughnessy. He has lots of opinions, and they all stink.

Here he's criticizing the decision for UMass to move to D-1 football. "It’s the worst idea since Bobby Valentine was hired to manage the Red Sox," Shank says. Of course, when that hiring happened, The CHB actually welcomed the move.

Now, pay attention, because Shaughnessy hasn't been.

1.  UMass has had two rotten seasons since moving to D-1. That's the curve for every program that moves up. Some eventually make the jump, some don't. But they do it because ...
2. ... The money available to D-1 schools is far and away better than what they can generate at the lower levels.
3. Being in the Football Championship Subdivision (FCS) conference doesn't guarantee you success. Look no further than Georgetown (which Shank did, since he claims he was at their season-ender at Holy Cross). They've had one winning season in the past 14, and are about to kill their program.
4. Shaughnessy says, "Folks here simply don’t have an appetite for big-time college football." Perhaps The CHB should pop in a bar anywhere in Boston on a fall Saturday. Oh wait, that could never happen. College games take place in the afternoon, when he's still sleeping off the previous night's binge.

The fact is, Shaughnessy has no business writing about college sports, especially college football. He doesn't follow it. He doesn't know it. He doesn't care about it. It's high time he left it to the experts and went back to doing what he does best: bad-mouthing minorities.

In Bill We Trust - This Week, Anyway

The New England Patriots crushed the Baltimore Ravens yesterday, 41 - 7. Naturally, Shank's firmly on the bandwagon again:

BALTIMORE — It has been ugly, unwieldy, and totally unpredictable. Bill Belichick never would admit it, but the 2013 Patriots season has been a bigger challenge than recovering from a 5-11 introductory season, a bigger challenge than going through an entire year without Tom Brady.

And no matter what happens now, this 2013 season will stand as Bill Belichick’s masterpiece; the Hoodie’s Sistine Chapel.

The Patriots thrashed and embarrassed the world champion Baltimore Ravens, 41-7, in their own house Sunday. The Belichickmen (now 11-4) were crowned division champs before the game even started — thanks to Buffalo skunking the Dolphins — then went out and annihilated the favored Ravens, who entered the game with four straight wins and a hard-earned reputation for staring down the Patriots.

Our boy Bill was really happy after this one. He even almost cracked a smile when he said, “It was nice not to go down to the last minute. We actually had a lead with a couple of minutes to go.’’

You know the drill by now - when the Patriots win, they're the greatest thing since sliced bread. When they lose (like they did seven days ago) he criticizes everyone in the Patriots organization from the owner to the equipment manager.

Last word goes to this commenter:

Lucky for Mr. Shaughnessy that he didn't produce a column yesterday or Saturday. It must be a welcome change for him to not have to ignore something he wrote less than 48 hours ago that contradicts what he's writing now.

Dan-agrams

Dan Shaughnessy is a lot of things. So, too, is "DanShaughnessy." One online generator returned some 9117 anagrams, some of which were highly fitting. Behold:

• Handy Asses Hung
• Sashays Dung Hen
• Gas Ashy Shunned
• Head Sags Shy Nun
• Hanged Says Shun
• Gnashed Anus Shy

And perhaps most apropos: Gassy Ha Shunned

DHL Dan - XXVI

After Shank's hissyfit column on Wednesday, we're back to the regular order of things with an unremarkable picked up pieces column. Among other matters, we learn that Shank's against giving Big Papi a contract extension (at least that position is consistent), the Ravens have the ability to beat the Patriots tomorrow, Dave Cowens is an underrated Celtic, and Marvin Lewis, the Cincinnati Bengals coach, will make some sort of major mistake in the near future.

Way to go out on a limb, Shank!

Dan Plays Defense

"Do you want coverage or celebration? Do you want subjective commentary and analysis, or do you just want writer/fans rooting for the local teams to win?"

That's what The CHB writes today.

So many things wrong with that single statement?

First, it's a false equivalency. Fans want all of it, and in appropriate doses.

But let's remind readers that Shank offers only snarky commentary, and no analysis. Consider this past week's "efforts," when over the span of 24 hours he went from calling the Patriots Super Bowl bound to "laughable."

"I don’t care if they win. I don’t care if they lose. I love sports. I love football. I love the story. The story can be great, win or lose. But I am not emotional about the outcome."

 Absolutely, irrefutably untrue. One needs only look vitriol he's spewed at players, managers, executives and yes, fans (including in today's column) over the years to recognize that 1) he is emotional, and about everything and 2) he roots for an outcome. And no, sometimes it's for the home team to lose, and that's in part what readers (if there are any left) both recognize and despise.

Today shows The CHB at his most defensive. It's the same column he writes roughly once per year. The fans don't know dick: That's the one thing he never flips on.

Dan, we don't care what you think. We don't care how you feel. We just want you to go away. John Henry, give us an early Christmas present.

Miami Vice

It's not like we didn't see this coming.

In yesterday's Shanktastic writeup, The CHB forecast a Patriots win: "On Sunday, the Patriots will assume their spot as the top-seeded team in the AFC."

Today, however, he's singing a different tune: "[T]hese Patriots simply are not that good. Sure, they are good enough to win the AFC East for the 10th time in 11 seasons — winning the AFC East has become like winning a trophy for playing T-ball in Newton — but the notion that they were the AFC’s top seed is laughable."

I guess it's too much to ask for Daiquiri Dan to recall that just three weeks ago he wrote "the Patriots are flexing their muscles after last Sunday’s dramatic comeback over the Broncos. The 8-3 Patriots are favorites to run the table and return to the Super Bowl."

But to not remember what you wrote the day before? That's what AA is for, Big Guy.

No Heat in Today's Piece

Today's piece is a recap of basically every Patriots trip to Miami since the NFL-AFL merger. 

It's long.

It's dull.

It's needlessly predictive ("This is where, on Sunday, the Patriots will assume their spot as the top-seeded team in the AFC. As “The Waltz of the Tomato Cans” plays over the loudspeakers at Sun Life Stadium, the Patriots will win the AFC East for the 10th time in 11 seasons.").

It's Shankesque.

Cry Me a Rivers

In his writeup today on Doc Rivers' return to Boston, The CHB pulls out seemingly every last player or coach to leave Boston -- any sport -- in the past 20 years.

• Bill Parcells? Check.
• Johnny Damon? Check.
• Ray Allen? Check.
• Terry Francona? Check.

 It just goes on and on like that.

• Grady Little? Check.
• Dave Lewis? (Seriously, does anyone remember him? Or care?) Check. 
• M.L. Carr? Check.
• Bill Fitch? Check.
• John McNamara. Check.

Oddly, he omits the insta-cliche of Rick Pitino, who isn't walking through that door.

But guess who does walk through The CHB door? Larry Bird. (You knew it was coming, didn't you?)

Dream On

It's been a while since Shank wrote a column this incredibly stupid:

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J., FEB. 2, 2014 — The magic formula worked again. And now the Patriots are Super Bowl champs.

In what probably will go down as the greatest of all Super Bowls, the New England Patriots last night overcame a 43-point halftime deficit and came back to defeat Seattle, 44-43, to win their first Super Bowl since 2005.

In a wild and controversial ending, the Patriots scored the winning points when Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson — trying to run out the clock while clinging to a 1-point lead — lost track of where he was on the field and was tackled in his own end zone by Patriots linebacker Rob Ninkovich.

Shank, Unshaved - II

Here's the obligatory Shank column on the Ellsbury trade.

Shank, Unshaved

Just when I was a few weeks away from mailing Shank a shaving kit:

Free-agent outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury has reached agreement on a seven-year contract with the New York Yankees pending a physical exam, a baseball source told ESPN.com.

According to multiple reports, the deal will pay Ellsbury $153 million over seven years and includes an option for an eighth year that could increase the overall value of the contract to $169 million. Ellsbury's deal exceeds Carl Crawford's seven-year, $142 million contract with the Boston Red Sox in December 2010.

Which was precisely what Scott Boras, Ellsbury's agent, was looking for.

For those who don't remember what Shank said about Ellsbury during spring training, it's right here:

Jacoby Ellsbury is the greatest flight risk in the history of baseball. There is no way he will be playing for the Red Sox next spring.

I’d bet my hair on it.

I tell him so in the clubhouse at JetBlue Park.

“Everybody knows you are gone,’’ I say. “If you’re still here next year, I’ll shave my head.’’

“Go for it,’’ says Ellsbury.

No problem. My hair is safe. Like everybody else around here, I know there is no chance Ellsbury will be with the Red Sox next year.

We Came To Bury Them

Today's 'effort' pulls off the twofer, jumping on the Patriot's bandwagon:

ANYWHERE BUT HOUSTON — Last year, this was fun. The Houston Texans were 11-1 when they came to Foxborough. They were the Next Big Thing in the NFL. They were a team on the rise playing on “Monday Night Football” against a once-great franchise going stale. According to Houston wideout Andre Johnson, it was the biggest game in Texans history. Houston players wore their letterman jackets to Gillette and Football America waited for the torch to be passed to Gary Kubiak, Matt Schaub, and Arian Foster.

And then, the game started. It was an embarrassment. The Houston Texans were the Texas Frauds. The Patriots jumped to a 28-0 lead. Tom Brady was mercifully pulled when it was 42-7. The Patriots settled for a 42-14 win and sent the Texans on the road to ruin.

Less than a year later, the Patriots are flexing their muscles after last Sunday’s dramatic comeback over the Broncos. The 8-3 Patriots are favorites to run the table and return to the Super Bowl.

...and taking a huge dump on the Houston Texans at the same time:

And the Texans are a joke. Schaub (eight touchdown passes, nine interceptions) has lost his job to Casey Kasem, err, Case Keenum. Foster is recovering from back surgery. Kubiak suffered a mini-stroke and has been coaching from a booth upstairs. He is expected to return to the sideline Sunday afternoon.
...
Mocking the Texans this year is like doing layup drills with an 8-foot rim. It’s simply too easy.

What about Houston itself? Easy to mock, no?

And easy to write about - Shank nails the triple play!

UPDATE AT 1:25 PM - When Shank says "The 8-3 Patriots are favorites to run the table and return to the Super Bowl", he means tied for third favorites to win the Super Bowl. Or something...