The Sun Will Rise, The Sun Will Set

...and Shank will tweet about a meaningless fucking coin flip:

Pats lose toss. Fins defer. Everybody is on to this now. Just no fun anymore.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 1, 2017

A Tale Of Two Shanks

Shank, January 1st, 2016:

The Patriots are going to crush the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Shank, January 3rd, 2016:

It feels as if the Patriots did not try to win their final game.

Dead Horse, Beaten Some More

Shank makes an interesting and unique point just before the Patriots - Dolphins kickoff.

Oh, wait...

Pats win coin toss. AGAIN. That's 28 of 36. Wow. Defer. No confusion this time. How do they do it?????????

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

Check the coins, Shank!

Speaking Of Trash Cans...

This is a Shank column that's in the running to be put into the nearest trash can. During the week where the biggest NFL story revolves around Peyton Manning, Shank can't be bothered about that subject because he's too busy making stupid, ill advised predictions:

The Patriots are going to crush the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Just like last week, Shank?

Last weekend’s stunning loss to the Jets...

What was so 'stunning' about that loss? A 9-5 team with a top 5 defense was hosting a 12-2 team that's been riddled with injuries on both sides of the ball. It's 'stunning' to Shank in that 'fake praise' sort of way.

Shank can't be bothered about current news like Peyton Manning because he's too busy living in the past. Specifically, rehashing the Cheating Patriots theme and in a new (for Shank) twist, putting words into the mouths of the Miami Dolphins:

And now . . . as if the Patriots needed any extra incentive, the Dolphins have reintroduced the scarlet letter.

“C.”

As in “Cheatin’.”

It has been amusing to follow the Patriots across football America this season. Photos of deflated footballs and headlines about nefarious activities have trailed them from Buffalo to Denver. We have seen the 16-game schedule stretch into a new calendar year, and just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathtub waters of Biscayne Bay . . . the Dolphins took us right back to warm drinks and trash cans.

Warm drinks and trash cans. In case you forgot, that was the dismissive phrase that rolled off the tongue of Bill Belichick the one time he was inspired to defend his team and its legacy. Belichick’s boiling point came on the heels of Deflategate, Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin suggesting that folks were messing with his headset in the season opener at Gillette Stadium, and then two (piling on) cheating stories compiled by ESPN and Sports Illustrated.

Here is the Miami Herald story Shank is referring to.

Let's be blunt here - Shank's being real cute with this one. A 'recent accusation' of an incident by an unnamed member of the Dolphins organization that supposedly occurred two months ago is being treated without an ounce of skepticism by Shank. Why wasn't this news when it supposedly happened? He's basically using two month old 'news' to deceive his reading audience because it appeared in a recent news column. Hacktastic job there, Shank! It's hard (actually, it's not!) for me to believe my opinion of Shank as a disingenuous scumbag just got even lower.

On top of that, naturally, his prediction of a Patriots blowout is contradicted by relatively recent Patriots trips to Miami and his own observation:

The Patriots have lost three of five. Unlike typical Belichick teams, they are not playing their best at the end of the season. They have a lot of injured players.

How'd that prediction work out last week, asshole?

Hot Patriots Takes, By Dan Shaughnessy

With the Patriots losing the coin toss, then rolling on the Miami Dolphins 19 - 0 at halftime, Shank issues these trenchant observations of the game:

Wow. I wonder if the Patriots can win the AFC East this year.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 30, 2015

Tomato. Cans. Ho-hum. See you in Santa Clara for the real game.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 30, 2015

The Wit Of Dan Shaughnessy

Dan Shaughnessy, unaware that the AFC East currently has the second highest win total of the eight divisions in the NFL, continues to peddle the cutesy 'tomato can' meme, and combines it with the last name of the new Miami Dolphins coach to get extra cutesy:

Still no QBs or head coaches to give Pats competition in AFC East. Now there's a Campbell coaching in the Tomato Can Division. Perfect.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 29, 2015

We breathlessy await the inevitable 'coin flip' tweet...

Miami Vice

It's not like we didn't see this coming.

In yesterday's Shanktastic writeup, The CHB forecast a Patriots win: "On Sunday, the Patriots will assume their spot as the top-seeded team in the AFC."

Today, however, he's singing a different tune: "[T]hese Patriots simply are not that good. Sure, they are good enough to win the AFC East for the 10th time in 11 seasons — winning the AFC East has become like winning a trophy for playing T-ball in Newton — but the notion that they were the AFC’s top seed is laughable."

I guess it's too much to ask for Daiquiri Dan to recall that just three weeks ago he wrote "the Patriots are flexing their muscles after last Sunday’s dramatic comeback over the Broncos. The 8-3 Patriots are favorites to run the table and return to the Super Bowl."

But to not remember what you wrote the day before? That's what AA is for, Big Guy.

No Heat in Today's Piece

Today's piece is a recap of basically every Patriots trip to Miami since the NFL-AFL merger. 

It's long.

It's dull.

It's needlessly predictive ("This is where, on Sunday, the Patriots will assume their spot as the top-seeded team in the AFC. As “The Waltz of the Tomato Cans” plays over the loudspeakers at Sun Life Stadium, the Patriots will win the AFC East for the 10th time in 11 seasons.").

It's Shankesque.