No More, No More

I went with the Aerosmith angle instead of Shank's half-nod to Bruce Springsteen when discussing the current state of affairs of the local pro sports teams:

There was a time when championships were all we knew, but those glory days appear long gone

Remember those golden days of confetti and duck boat parades? Remember when we were the envy of our friends who live outside New England? We were so flush with success, folks at Logan ran out of space for new championship banners over the security station at Terminal C.

Not so much anymore.

The Red Sox are going to finish in last place for the fifth time in 11 seasons. The Bruins fired their coach and come into the new season with lowered expectations. The Celtics — who appeared to be our one team with title hopes — start training camp this week after suspending their head coach because of an in-house scandal, and their starting center just had his second knee surgery since March.

Oh, and as if we didn’t need any more poison in this big boat of bad, Mac Jones, New England’s franchise quarterback, appeared to sustain a serious leg injury in the closing seconds of Sunday’s 37-26 loss to the Baltimore Ravens at Gillette Stadium.

DHL Dan CXXXIX - Speaking Of Terrible Positions...

Just a tad late on a few Shank takes, and one of them's on soon to be former Celtics head coach Ime Udoka, who apparently dipped his pen in company ink:

Ime Udoka has put the Celtics in a terrible position, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while anticipating a big bowl of awkward at Monday’s Celtics Media Day …

▪ Ime Udoka is suspended for a year, and it’s hard to imagine him returning to the Celtics bench. Rumors of the suspension first leaked Wednesday night. Twenty-four hours later, in a short statement (issued during “Thursday Night Football” and Red Sox vs. Aaron Judge), the Celtics announced that their coach was suspended for “violations” of team policy. Minutes later, Udoka issued his own brief statement, apologizing to everyone and accepting the team’s decision.

Friday morning, a full 36 hours after first reports of the scandal were leaked, Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck and president of basketball operations Brad Stevens finally met with the media, acknowledging that they’d known for a couple of months about Udoka’s inappropriate relationship with a female member of the team’s staff. The Celtics bosses said they’d commissioned a law firm to investigate the situation during the summer and just got the firm’s findings Wednesday.

What Is Your Quest?

New York Yankees right fielder Aaron Judge has a shot to break Roger Maris' Yankee home run record. Shank helpfully points out this could happen at the expense of the Boston Red Sox:

Aaron Judge’s record quest reminds us of what the home run chase used to mean

Your Boston Red Sox always seem to be in the middle of the American League single-season home run record.

Red Sox outfielder/pitcher Babe Ruth set the first “unreachable” mark when he blasted 29 homers in a 154-game season in 1919. Before you could say “Mookie Betts,” the Sox traded the home run champ to the Yankees for cash.

Ruth hit 54, then 59 homers in his first two seasons with the Yankees. Then he hit 60 in 1927. It was a record that stood for 34 years.

In 1961, when Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris dueled throughout the “new” 162-game season, aiming for Ruth’s magical 60, Maris hit his record-breaking 61st home run off Red Sox righthander Tracy Stallard in Yankee Stadium.

Let's Change The Subject

With yesterday's win over the Pittsburgh Steelers, Shank is deprived of his chance to shit on the New England Patriots and Bill Belichick. This is a classic 'look over here - squirrel!' column:

Yes, OK, the Patriots beat the Steelers, but so far what have we learned about Mac Jones?

Mac Jones is better than Mitch Trubisky.

So there’s that.

This is the NFL and a win is a win. Your quarterback can be terrible on any given Sunday, or your quarterback can manage the game well enough to beat a Tomato Can that is begging to be crushed.

Funny how the 'tomato can' angle was conveniently omitted from the previous column, isn't it?

So we will resist the urge to be spoiled and unsatisfied with the Patriots’ 17-14 victory at Pittsburgh Sunday. We won’t say that this 60-minute rock fight set the sport back a couple of decades, or that we still have a million questions about Jones, 2022 Bill Belichick, and New England’s William F. Buckley/Pat Buchanan offensive game plan.

Conservative - get it? Shank just tried for a funny!

The rest of the column looks equally lame and unfunny, like that will shock you.

DHL Dan CXXXVIII - On The Hot Seat

That would be New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, of course:

Bill Belichick is on the hot seat, and other thoughts ahead of a must-win for the Patriots

Picked-up pieces while waiting for kickoff in Pittsburgh ...

▪ In October 2016, hours before the seventh game of the World Series between the Cubs and Indians, Cleveland manager Terry Francona was forced to take questions from the media. There’s not much to say before a Game 7, so I broke the ice by asking Tito if this was a “must-win” game.

He took the bait. He laughed. Hard.

On Sunday in Pittsburgh, beleaguered Patriots coach Bill Belichick is faced with one of the more critical early-season games of his legendary career. Our estimable Chris Gasper calls it a “sneaky must-win.”

Wow. Must-win. Week 2.

Clearly, sharks smell blood in the moat waters surrounding Fort Foxborough. Can any of us ever remember Bill taking this much heat around here? Bill must feel like he’s back in Cleveland in the days after he benched local hero Bernie Kosar.

The coach is 'taking heat' because Shank's there with a blowtorch.

On With The Blame Game, Chapter One

That wasn't a very tough call, was it?

It probably could not have gone worse in the opener for the Patriots, so blame Bill Belichick

Bill Belichick opened the door last week. Asked about his curious plan to proceed with no proven offensive coordinators or quarterback coaches, the Hoodie said, “If it doesn’t go well, blame me.’’

OK. So here goes.

It’s only one game, but things could hardly have gotten off to a worse start for Belichick and his “new” old staff Sunday as the Pats were stuffed, 20-7 by the Miami Dolphins and their 39-year-old head coach who broke into the league as a ballboy for the Denver Broncos.

Seven measly points. That’s all the Pats could generate against the upstart, rugged Fish. It was almost bad enough to make you think about switching to the Red Sox-Orioles.

At least Shank's in midseason form, that's for sure.

Ready For The Blame Game

Shank does a phone interview with Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and, in true Shank fashion, makes it as uncomfortable as possible right off the bat:

Belichick voices support for Patricia and Judge as Patriots get set to open their season

Red Auerbach was 48 when he coached his final game with the Celtics.

Bill Belichick is 70, readying for his 48th season in the NFL, his 28th as a head coach.

Seventy puts Belichick closer to Red from “Shawshank” than Red on Roundball.

In 2009, a 57-year-old Belichick stated, “I won’t be like Marv Levy and coaching in my 70s, I know that.”

“I wish I hadn’t said that,” Belichick said Thursday in a telephone interview from Florida. “I was probably thinking of what I would feel like. Now, there’s what I actually feel like, and those are two different things. That was not one of my better statements.”

Which is precisely why Shank brought it up.

The Patriots open Sunday at Miami, Belichick’s 23rd season as New England’s head coach. The Patriots went 10-7 last year, then got blown out by the Bills in the playoffs.

New England’s 2022 preseason was unimpressive. No longer able to lean on Tom Brady or trusty assistants Nick Caserio (general manager of the Texans), Josh McDaniels (head coach of the Raiders), Dante Scarnecchia, and Ernie Adams (both retired), Belichick has put a bull’s-eye on his back, declining to name coordinators and hiring cronies/failed head coaches Matt Patricia and Joe Judge to take charge of second-year quarterback Mac Jones.

“I think they’re both good coaches,” said Belichick. “Ultimately, it’s my responsibility, like it always is. So if it doesn’t go well, blame me.”

Don’t worry. We will.

Of course he will!

Enjoying Other Peoples Misery

If it weren't for the fact that there's always a losing team, Shank would have nothing to write about.

The DSW alternate masthead lives on - Shank loves it when people and teams lose games:

Keeping an eye on the stumbling Yankees and Mets is entertaining right now

I’m in a New York state of mind.

Maybe it’s because watching the Yankees lose to the Rays last weekend was more enjoyable than watching the Red Sox roll the hapless Rangers (nine straight losses!).

Maybe it’s because the Yanks saw their AL East lead go from 15½ games to just three in the loss column earlier this week. The Yankees have a million players on the injured list, and Aaron Judge is the only guy who’s still hitting. A full el foldo is not out of the question.

It’s the same with the crosstown Mets. The Amazins have been in first place in the NL East for the entire season. They had a 10½-game lead over everybody in June, but just lost three straight to the lowly Nationals and Pirates, and were caught by the Braves Tuesday night. New York and Atlanta had identical records going into Wednesday’s play.

DHL Dan CXXXVII - The Kiss Of Death

Do the Shank sharks smell blood in the water?

How did the Red Sox’ Chaim Bloom take his recent vote of confidence? And other thoughts ...

Picked-up pieces while wondering if the feds found a “Malcolm Butler/Top Secret” file at Mar-a-Lago …

▪ Red Sox CEO Sam Kennedy was compelled this past week to issue a vote of confidence for Chaim Bloom and Alex Cora.

“I am very comfortable saying Chaim and Alex will be back,” Kennedy told The Athletic.

The proverbial vote of confidence. Since we never hear from ownership anymore (feels like John Henry is ghosting his baseball team), Kennedy’s backing will have to do.

How did the statement land with the Red Sox chief baseball officer — who has had a year like Eddie Mush in “A Bronx Tale” and is taking way more heat than his manager?

“I believe in what we’re doing here,” said Bloom, whose team is likely to finish last for a second time in his three Red Sox seasons. “This year has not so far gone the way any of us would have wanted. We’ll work hard to get better.

... Thanks for the time, Chaim. But watch your back. Ownership always needs a scapegoat.

Written without a hint of irony.

You Must Be New Around Here

Did you move to Boston recently? Are you a freshman at one of the local colleges this fall? Here's Shank to give all of you newbies a taste of Boston sports:

For college students coming to town, here is a guide to the local sports scene

U-Hauls, packed vans, and SUVs with New York plates are double-parked all over Commonwealth Avenue, Harvard Square, and Bay State Road. Every day there’s another report of a too-tall Ryder rental truck stuck under a bridge on Storrow Drive with its roof shredded like a Spam can.

Out-of-town Gen Z-ers are invading Boston for their college experience.

Let me be one of the first to welcome freshmen who have come to Boston in advance of Labor Day weekend. Most of you are probably sports fans, some maybe not. Doesn’t matter. You’ll quickly learn that you can’t escape the ethos of Greater Boston sports teams. In this spirit, I’ve assembled a handy-dandy, clip-and-save, Hub sports orientation memo.

Though we are nothing like Pittsburgh or Dallas, know that you have moved into a pro football town. The success of Tom Brady and the Patriots in the first two decades of this century spawned a legion of folks who talk pro football 12 months of the year. It’s not just bettors and fantasy footballers. It’s almost the entire male population and a good portion of women under 50. Our local sports talk shows are full of it, and I mean that in every possible way.

I'm sure he does!