Bullpen Blues

Remember Shank bitching about the Boston Red Sox's bullpen for great stretches of the 2018 season, in order to create as much doubt about the team as possible? It's baaaack!

SEATTLE — It was long after midnight back in Boston when Red Sox clubhouse boss Tommy McLaughlin walked across the locker room and gently placed a game-used baseball on a shelf in the locker of Matt Barnes. When Barnes returned to his stall after recording his first major league save since 2017, the ball was resting — trophy-like, on a can of Skoal.

The Red Sox have a closer and his name is Matt Barnes.

Just don’t expect manager Alex Cora to call him that.
...
After the win, the manager was asked if he’s ready to name his closer and answered, “No. There’s no . . . I mean, we stay with the plan. We were watching the game and the game dictated for Barnes to be in the ninth. You saw Brasier getting up before. We’ve got people that can get people out in the eighth, ninth, seventh.’’

The Sox are defensive about this, almost defiant. Kimbrel and Joe Kelly were allowed to walk away after the World Series and nobody was brought in to replace them. It’s clear that the biggest question regarding the 2019 Red Sox is their bullpen. Cora and Dombrowski don’t see it that way.

Just like it was last year, and it worked out just fine for the Red Sox - just don't expect Shank to acknowledge that point.

More Overreaction, By Dan Shaughnessy

Shank once again finds the dark cloud in the silver lining:

As of this moment, three of the last four batters Nathan Eovaldi faced has hit homers. Muncy. Smith. Santana

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Going back to October, it's now four homers in Eovaldi's last eight batters.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Red Sox "plan" of holding back starters in spring training seems to be backfiring thus far this year. Sale, and now Eovaldi, looking like guys making their third spring start -- in games that count. Combined (thus far) they have yielded 13 runs and six homers in 6.2 innings.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Better cancel those Duck Boat parade plans, stat!

He Cannot Be Serious!

Ahhh, there's nothing like a baseball column from Shank after a huge Opening Day loss, is there (emphasis added)?

SEATTLE — What’s up with Chris Sale? Is that cranky left shoulder really OK?

I promise not to overreact. This is not 30 years ago when it was OK for the Boston Herald to declare “Wait ‘Til Next Year” when the Red Sox lost on Opening Day. The Sox dropped their opener in St. Pete last spring and it did not prevent them from winning 118 games and their fourth World Series of this century.

You know that part's bullshit - he'll say something like 'not gonna overreact', then proceeds to write a few paragraphs where he does just that.

But again, we must ask . . . what’s up with Chris Sale?

Less than a week after signing a five-year, $145 million contract extension, Sale submitted the worst start of his Red Sox career in a 12-4 Opening Day loss to the Mariners at T-Mobile Park. In three innings on Thursday, Sale surrendered seven runs on six hits, two walks and one hit batsman. He gave up three homers, two to Mariner shortstop Tim Beckham. (Sale allowed only two homers in his final 83 regular-season innings last year.) Sale threw 30 fastballs and did not induce a single swing-and-miss. His average speed on 25 four-seamers was 92.3 miles per hour. Trailing, 7-2, after three, Sale did not come out for the fourth.

So here we have one game where Chris Sale pitched poorly and Shank practically makes a Federal case out of it. Isn't that the very definition of 'overreacting'?

Not to pile on (riiiight! - ed), but it has to be pointed out that this stinkbomb comes on the heels of an August-September-October in which Sale was treated like a Faberge Egg due to a sore shoulder. Sale pitched only 17 regular-season innings after July 27. In the postseason, he pitched 15.1 innings over 14 games. He has not pitched more than 5.1 innings in any game since July 27. He’s about to turn 30 and the Sox he will be paying him $30 million in each of the next three seasons.

After the beatdown, Sale and manager Alex Cora both insisted there is no physical issue with Sale.

From there, Shank laments the departure of Jon Lester (from nearly five years ago) and we also get a Woodstock reference. That leaves us a Larry Bird sighting and a few 'sons of Alex Cora' clichés away from a full-blown overreaction from Shank.

UPDATE AT 11:15 AM - Looks like we weren't far off the mark with this column, were we?

Everyone is already overreacting to Gane 1 of 162. Nothing like fake Sox drama in late March.

— Boston Radio Watch® (@bostonradio) March 29, 2019

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like The 2019 Boston Red Sox

Honest, guys & gals - this one was really written by Shank, I promise!

DAN SHAUGHNESSY

The Red Sox are back, and for many of us, that means life is better

SEATTLE — The Red Sox open their season Thursday at T-Mobile Park, and Chris Sale will get the ball as they attempt to become the first major league team since the 1998-2000 New York Yankees to win back-to-back World Series.

Life is good.

For many of us, life is better when there is baseball.

Reading further into this column, it's clear to me that a lot of it is a jumbled mess of contradictions interspersed with enough factoids to dodge such a label. Given that part of the current DSW motto is 'to put as much effort into our posts as Shank does with his columns', you can likely figure it out for yourselves.

That said, let's make no mistake about this - Shank is pretending to like the 2019 Boston Red Sox, whereas many of his columns during the previous season clearly gave the opposite impression, so take this one with a huge grain or two of salt.

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like A N.E. Patriot

Rob Gronkowski retired from football yesterday, and Shank's there pay fake homage.

There are certain sobriquets that resonate viscerally in Boston sports, conjuring wistful feelings of fandom. They’re more than nicknames. They’re shorthand for the lasting impression left by greatness. Yaz. Cooz. Espo. Hondo.

Gronk.

Like one of his trademark spikes, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski left his mark not only on the NFL as possibly the greatest tight end of all-time, but on Boston sports as a football folk hero — a one-of-a-kind tight end who could play and party with the best of them.

UPDATE AT 1:22 PM: Whoops! The column was written by Chris Gasper. That became obvious once I got to read more of the column, and it was an unusually long column. I'm saying to myself 'Funny - Shank never puts in this much effort into a column', and that's why. My bad!

Since it's Gasper, it's worth reading in full.

Delayed Gratification

Until now, we had one mere tweet from Shank about New England Patriots' owner Robert Kraft and his legal problems stemming from an arrest for solicitation at a Florida massage parlor. Here's the column Shank has waited an entire month to write.

The Robert Kraft saga will loom over the NFL meetings

This is not Deflategate. This is not Spygate. This is not “they hate us because they ain’t us!’’ This is not Tom Brady with a MAGA hat in his locker or Donald Trump reading a supportive letter from Bill Belichick on the eve of the election. This is not the owner of the Patriots hitching a ride on Air Force One.

Things continue in this vein for a few paragraphs, then Shank tells us everything about the whole sordid mess that we've been hearing about for the past four weeks, which means you can skip all that stuff and get right to the conclusion:

What does all this say about Kraft’s decision-making and his fitness to run the Patriots?

Nothing - maybe Shank can figure out that these are two different questions?

How could an individual return to the same spa one day after getting pulled over by police and being asked to produce ID? Why would anyone attend Oscar parties just hours after a news conference announcing his impending arrest? How does this landslide of protest affect Kraft’s ability to run his football team?

Kraft is clearly headed for another showdown with Goodell. Is this perhaps a good time for Bob Kraft to step aside and let his son Jonathan run the team?

Just asking.

UPDATE AT 5:40 PM - Link to Shank's column now included, for better or worse...

It Pairs Well With A Globe Dead Tree Subscription

When your revenue stream from 'The Curse' books is drying up, you need to shake things up, don't you?

"I know Tomato Cans. I invented the genre."

Sportswriter @Dan_Shaughnessy's token phrase is now available on a t-shirt.

Visit the Globe Store for apparel, accessories, books, movies, and reprints of past Boston Globe front pages and articles 👉 https://t.co/zsbl7gusKl pic.twitter.com/QIKGeBEFLT

— Boston Globe Sports (@BGlobeSports) March 21, 2019

Feel The Excitement

Looks like Shank just might not regurgitate his latest column after all:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of C's, B's, Pats and Sox, plus Dan's Dates at 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 19, 2019

Shank On The NCAA Tournament

Caution - some slightly contradictory statements ahead:

Zion Williamson.

There. Now you have a reason to watch the NCAA Tournament.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost interest in March Madness in recent decades. Living in Greater Boston, we are increasingly removed from big-time college sports. When the NCAA tourney unfolds, it feels like the rest of the country is having a party without us.

I'm not buying that. There's absolutely nothing preventing you from turning on a freakin' TV set and tuning into these games. Since Thursday, I've watched about a dozen tournament games, and I'll agree that Zion Williamson is an awesome player. What Shank is trying to sell here, as usual, is lazy provincialism.

For folks in North Carolina, Kentucky, Indiana, and most of sports-watching America, the NCAA tourney is a three-week Super Bowl Sunday.

Not here. Sure, we have office pools and young folks obsessed with bracketology. Gamblers and fantasy players (is there any difference?) study every nuance of Gonzaga and Iowa State. But we have no dog in the fight.

Go, Northeastern!

Sticking To The Script

It's never too early for Shank to set up sky-high expectations for the New England Patriots, and you know one manner in which that narrative's established:

Tomato Can Formula never fails. Steelers and now Chiefs falling apart in front of our eyes. No good teams in AFC. Same old same old.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 15, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXII - Familiar With The Subject Matter

Shank's first subject in his most recent Picked Up Pieces column is one that's near and dear to his heart:

Red Sox seem a bit arrogant with this bullpen issue, and other thoughts

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Picked-up pieces from another 10 days hunkered down in the Fort . . .

■ The Red Sox are a wagon. They have 22 of 25 players back from a 119-win season. They have the best starting staff in baseball. They will score a ton of runs. Most of the competition in the American League stinks. The Sox are going to make the playoffs, even if everything goes wrong. They are vulnerable in only one area, and we all know what that is . . . the bullpen.

The bullpen wasn’t great last season, but Craig Kimbrel was out there, and so was hot-and-cold Joe Kelly. Now both are gone and the Sox have not addressed this area.

From there, Shank goes on to complain more about the bullpen situation, and a few others. But you probably knew that already.

The Obligatory Nathan Eovaldi Spring Training Column

And now for the next chapter in the series...

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The third game of the 2018 World Series changed Nathan Eovaldi’s life forever.

In one fateful night, the little-known righty from Texas became a hardball legend of almost mythic proportion. With the whole world watching and no one left in the Red Sox bullpen, Eovaldi morphed into Sidd Finch, Nuke LaLoosh, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

And it all happened on a night/morning in which he wound up being the losing pitcher.

Decent column actually, mostly because Shank doesn't fuck it up.

The Obligatory David Price Spring Training Column

Shank's back to writing about the Red Sox, albeit in a predictable spring training sort of way:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — It’s all quiet now for David Price. He is just another very good major league pitcher who makes a lot of money. He is just another World Series champ in a clubhouse with 21 other guys who can make the same claim. He is just another former Cy Young winner on a starting staff peppered with puffy résumés.

Perhaps most important, Price has passed the Boston pro sports terrible temperament torch to Kyrie Irving.

When discussing Price, no ever talks about Fortnite or Dennis Eckersley or postseason choking anymore. No one says, “Yuck.’’

Thanks for brining all of that stuff up again, Shank!

The Obligatory Chris Sale Spring Training Column

Well, what do you know? Shank's back to writing about current Red Sox players!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The last time we saw Chris Sale on a mound pitching to real live hitters, he was blowing a pitch past Manny Machado (on bended knee) to close out the World Series while millions watched on television and thousands of citizens of Red Sox Nation cheered from the upper deck on the first-base side of Dodger Stadium.

Monday morning was a little different, as Sale trotted out to the mound on back field No. 4 (Eddie Popowski Field) in front of a hundred pasty snowbirds, slovenly sportswriters, one NESN camera, and a good portion of the Red Sox baseball brass gathered behind the home plate screen.

Who knew Shank is a 'slovenly sportswriter'?

The Obligatory... Yaz Spring Training Column?

Shank sure seems reluctant to write about current Red Sox players, doesn't he?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Carl Yastrzemski is the greatest living Red Sox player. He’s rarely seen in Boston, isn’t sure he’ll ever return to Cooperstown, but feels the love every time he returns to Fenway Park to throw a ceremonial first pitch before yet another World Series victory.

“I’m undefeated!’’ Yaz says with a big smile as he recalls his ceremonial tosses.

Still worshipped in the church of Boston baseball, Yaz turns 80 in August. He just became a great-grandfather (“They don’t send the pictures to me because I don’t know how to get them off the telephone”), but he’s still working with young hitters in the Red Sox minor league complex at spring training.

Yastrzemski is our Koufax. Out of sight, never out of mind.

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - XXVI

Once again, Shank cannot write a column about Dustin Pedroia without insult:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — We all know the little kid who loves baseball more than anything.

Maybe you were that kid. Maybe you walked around the house with a Wiffle Ball bat in your hand all day. Maybe you slept in your uniform the night before your first Little League game. Maybe you got a new mitt for Christmas and put a ball in it and tied it up for the winter so it would have a good pocket for spring. Or maybe you wore your baseball pants when you rode your bike to school.

Maybe those were things you watched your own kids do.

Thursday in Fort Myers, Dustin Pedroia was that kid.

Nearly every time Shank does a column on him, he needs to point out Pedroia's height. This time it was a sly, subtle dig, but it doesn't make Shank any less of a douchebag when he does it.

The rest of the column is a fucking insult.

Exasperation

This one fits with the pattern established in other years. Shank's first column this season about the Boston Celtics comes after they lose a bunch of games and their star player complaining about damn near everything:

Kyrie Irving is as exasperating as he is talented

“He’s never coached any player like me.”

— Kyrie Irving on Brad Stevens

Out for a cold morning jog a couple of days ago, I came across two neighbors on their daily walk, and they insisted I take a pause from my hideous daily mile.

“Please, answer one question,’’ said one of the walkers. “What’s up with Kyrie?’’

You're asking a guy who barely watches the Celtics?

We were just seconds into a discussion about the mercurial Celtics guard when another hearty soul, the guy who delivers the morning Globe in our hood, wheeled to a sudden stop, rolled down his window, and said, “Dan, are we gonna trade Kyrie?’’

Wonder if that opinion changed after the Celtics smoked Golden State last night? His opinion probably changes like Shank's - on a near daily basis.

Playing To His Strengths

Shank hasn't banged out a column in over a week, so his weekly radio appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub left him without his usual script of regurgitating his column for the first couple of segments of the show.

But all is not lost! Who needs a script when you can just instead shit on one of the local sports teams who are in a recent tailspin?

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of Celtic bashing. Dan's Dates around 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 4, 2019

Field of Genes

With Shank unable or unwilling to write about the 2019 Red Sox, we get the occasional column designed to make him not look like a relentlessly negative asshole.

For Rich and Caitlin Hill, the decision to launch the “Field of Genes” campaign with a $575,000 donation to support research on rare and undiagnosed genetic diseases at Massachusetts General Hospital for Children stems from the waves of shock and confusion that confronted them five years ago.

When Brooks Hill was born at MGH on Dec. 26, 2013, Caitlin immediately knew that something was wrong. The boy’s mother, a registered nurse, recognized a “delicate energy” in the delivery room.

Brooks didn’t cry without stimulation. He had cortical thumbs folded into his hands and contracted legs and arms. Though the birth had been induced a few weeks before Brooks’s due date because he was undersized, Caitlin heard the doctors whisper that the placenta was the size that would be found had her son reached full term.