DHL Dan CCLIV - Loserville?

In this week's Picked Up Pieces column, Shank compares two eras in Boston sports history, with the current era somehat lacking by comparison:

Does the Celtics’ sudden downward spiral mean Boston will soon go from Titletown to Loserville, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while wondering if we’re witnessing The Curse of Steve Pagliuca . . .

⋅ Life happens fast when you invest energy and emotion in the fortunes of local sports teams. You go to bed one night in Titletown, USA, then wake up in Loserville.

Remember those dark days of no championships from 1987-2000? It got so bad we actually hosted a Stanley Cup celebration for Ray Bourque at City Hall Plaza in June 2001 because Bourque finally won the Cup after the Bruins traded him to Colorado!

Hello darkness, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.

It looks like we can send out the duck boats for servicing. Replace all parts. It doesn’t matter if materials get held up in the supply chain. There’ll be no parade down the Champs de Boylston next month. It looks like Copley’s Canyon of Heroes will be quiet for many years to come.

Comparison Made

Leading up to the Super Bowl gives us many columns about one or both teams that'll be playing next Sunday night. Shank sets his sights on the Kansas City Chiefs and makes a comparison of them with... the New England Patriots!

These Chiefs will never be the Patriots, but it’s time for New England to embrace their modern-day dominance

Don’t fight it any longer, New England.

It’s time to adopt the Kansas City Chiefs.

They are you as you are they and you are me and we are all together. Kansas City’s coach, Andy Reid, is “The Walrus.”

There’s a lot of regional and national negativity directed at the Chiefs. Fans outside of Kansas City largely hate them. They win too much. They are always programmed in coveted prime-time slots. They get all the calls from the officials. They have an ever-clutch quarterback who’s constantly on TV selling us something. They are invariably lucky.

Sound like any team you loved from 2001-19?

Face it, Pats fans. Aside from the cheating and the paranoia, today’s Kansas City Chiefs are your New England Patriots in the first 18 years of this century.

Out Of Excuses

Shank does his first Celtics column in a while and naturally it has a critical edge to it:

No more excuses: Jaylen Brown and Jayson Tatum have to come up big in big games

“So you’re scared, and you’re thinking that maybe we ain’t that young anymore.”

Bruce Springsteen, “Thunder Road”

It’s time.

No more “they are so young.”

No more “they are both All-Stars and max contract guys and top 20 guys.”

Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown need to be NBA champions. In June. It’s time for them to win banner No. 18 for the Boston Celtics.

Brown is 27, playing in his eighth NBA season. Tatum turns 26 in a few weeks and is playing in his seventh NBA season. Brown has been to the conference finals in five of seven seasons, Tatum in four of six. Both made it to the NBA Finals two years ago but came up short after taking a 2-1 series lead against the Warriors.

DHL Dan CLXXXIII - A Must Win Game

In the runup to yesterday's game between the Patriots and Jets, Shank states the obvious:

Yes, Week 3 is a genuine must-win game for the Patriots, and other thoughts

PIcked-up pieces en route to Exit 16W, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey …

▪ It’s hard to believe, but here we are: It’s Week 3 of the NFL season and Bill Belichick’s once-mighty Patriots face a must-win game against the hated New York Jets.

Week 3. How did it ever come to this?

The bad news is that the Patriots are 0-2 for the first time since 2001 and have yet to hold a lead for a single minute. They have turned the ball over and fallen behind (16-0, then 10-0) against their first two opponents, both at Gillette Stadium. They have played good defense and put themselves in position to win games, but failed at the finish. Third-year quarterback Mac Jones has run a popgun offense and failed to rally the Patriots for game-winning or game-tying touchdowns in the final minutes.

Finished Business

The 2023 Boston Celtics lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference finals last night in painful fashion. When a local sports team exits the playoffs, Shank is all over them and this one is no exception:

Celtics’ loss to Heat in Game 7 was a meltdown of epic proportions in Boston sports

There have been some stink bombs detonated by Boston teams in big games throughout the decades.

This may have been the most foul of all.

On a postcard-perfect Memorial Day, with the entire region braced for an 0-3 comeback that would mirror what those Curse-busting Red Sox did 19 years ago, the poser Celtics submitted a woeful Game 7 effort in the Eastern Conference finals and were thrashed by the so-much-mentally-tougher, eighth-seeded Miami Heat, 103-84, Monday night at the Garden.

So there. The Green Team’s spring of “Unfinished Business” is officially finished. And, sadly, the only takeaway is that your 2022-23 Celtics were front-running frauds. I mean, did they really deserve another trip to the Finals after the way they played with their food all year?

Don’t take it from me. Listen to NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley. At halftime of this embarrassment, Chuck told the TNT audience, “Watching these dumbass Celtics play is making my head hurt … It’s so bad to watch them play. There’s no ball movement, there’s no body movement, and its frustrating watching a team with this much talent just play stupid.’’

You can always tell one thing by the way this column starts out - when a local pro sports team is at its worst, Shank's at his best.

DHL Dan CLVII - The Hunt For Number Eighteen

Shank asks three veteran Celtics on the chances for this year's team to win it all:

Three Celtics champs — Bob Cousy, Dave Cowens, and M.L. Carr — weigh in on the chances for Banner 18, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while monitoring the southbound Red Sox equipment truck with my GPS tracking device …

▪ The Celtics have played almost two-thirds of their regular season, have the best record in the NBA, and are consensus favorites to win the NBA championship. We just saw them beat Brooklyn by 43 points, and they have a “big” game with Joel Embiid and the 76ers Wednesday on Causeway Street.

What do members of the Celtic family see when they watch this team run toward a possible record-breaking 18th banner?

Paul Pierce was here last weekend for Celtics-Lakers (LeBron James just finished crying about not getting a call at the end of regulation) and casually told our Gary Washburn that Jayson Tatum “could be the greatest Celtic to ever play.”

Whoa.

Get back, Loretta.

With this in mind, we rounded up Bob Cousy, Dave Cowens, and M.L. Carr to discuss these Celtics. Cousy and Cowens are two of only four Celtics ever named NBA MVP (Bill Russell and Larry Bird, who combined for eight MVPS, are the others). Cooz, Cowens, and Carr won a combined 10 championships. Cowens and Carr both coached the team, and M.L. was the boss of basketball operations a decade before Danny Ainge built the team that delivered the most recent banner in 2008.

The Savior?

I suppose we should enjoy a rare positive Red Sox column from the Globe's eternal critic:

In a time of desperation, Red Sox turn their lonely eyes to Chris Sale, and he delivers

What's a lame song lyrical reference doing here?

It felt like the Red Sox were on the verge of mathematical elimination . . . even though they were still perched in a playoff spot.

It felt like a must win . . . even with 27 more to play and a one-game lead for the second wild-card spot.

All night long the Sox teetered on the edge of defeat. And more dismay. More scorn and discouragement.

But Chris Sale came to the emotional rescue and the reeling Red Sox finally beat the Tampa Bay Rays, 3-2, in the Trop Dome on Wednesday night.

So, the season is not over. There is more baseball to be played.

But are there more lame song lyrics ahead?

There isn't, but I was half hoping for some justification for the Red Sox bringing Sale back slowly from his surgery two years ago. Shank doesn't mention it but he does mention the 2011 Sox (AKA 'Chicken-and-Beer').

Dan Shaughnessy, Talking Heads Fan?

Actually I kind of doubt it but if a tweet I spotted a few minutes ago is any indication, we're in for a cliche filled masterpiece after the New England Patriots got stomped on national TV last night, 24-3, to the Los Angeles Rams. Let's count the ways, shall we?

The Patriots are on a road to nowhere after humiliating loss to Rams

There is blood on the tracks of the Patriots’ playoff path in the wake of the Rams’ 24-3 rout of New England Thursday night at SoFi Stadium in SoCal.

Ouch. The Patriots’ playoff map is now the path of most resistance, the road to perdition, >b>the highway to hell.

The Flying Elvises have checked out of their Hotel California and probably the postseason hunt as well. They are 6-7 and very likely will be watching the playoffs on television for the first time since 2008. Three games remain — all against the AFC East — but the Patriots need more help than You-Know-Who if they hope to salvage a playoff spot in this gritty, but lost campaign. Bob Kraft’s best hope might be to blame the whole thing on Dominion and petition the Supreme Court to overturn losses in California, Missouri, Texas, Washington, New York, and Massachusetts (twice).

From there, Shank blames things mostly on Cam Newton, which he (admittedly) stole at halftime from Terry Bradshaw doing the Fox halftime show.

You know the rest of the column already - a standard game recap and a few more shovels full of dirt on the Patriots' 2020 football season.

Shank's First Celtics 2019-2020 Column

...and it's terrible right off the bat:

The Celtics were big-time underachievers last season. Presumed front-runners to get to the NBA Finals, they feuded and fumbled all season. As they staggered into the spring, toxic Kyrie Irving told us not to worry. He told us we would see the real Kyrie and the real Celtics in the playoffs.

We did. In round 2 of the playoffs, Kyrie stunk up the gym and the Celtics got pantsed in a feeble five games against the Milwaukee Bucks.

Mud on their face . . . big disgrace . . . dishonoring championship banners all over the place.

Talk about disgraceful - if you're ever wondering how to ruin a column by the third paragraph, just use lame lyrics from a 40+ year old song. I could barely read the column after that, and that's enough Shank for this guy today, maybe all week (and it's only Monday!).

Dull Game, Dull Column

It's nice that the New England Patriots won last night, as it spares us from Shank taking a world-class shit on the team. What we get instead is one of the most predictable and cliche-filled columns in his 'storied' career.

ATLANTA — Take those old records off the shelf. The Patriots on Sunday night joined the Steelers as the winningest team in Super Bowl history, securing their sixth Lombardi Trophy with a 13-3 victory over the Los Angeles Rams at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

This one will not go into the vault as an instant classic. It was a punt-filled rock fight that will best be remembered for New England’s staunch defense and a Rams offense that set records for futility. It was 3-3 after three quarters and the Patriots “broke it open” when Tom Brady came to life and directed a 69-yard touchdown drive to give the Patriots a 10-3 lead with seven minutes left.
....
New England fans were the coveted “12th man” in the season finale. Almost 1,100 miles from Foxborough, the Super Bowl turned into a virtual home game for the Sons of Bob Kraft. It was as if the crowd was culled from extras who auditioned for “Mystic River” and “The Departed.’’ It’s safe to assert that more than half the fans at Sunday’s game have eaten at a Wahlburgers at one time or another.
...
Poor Goff. Hearing Gladys Knight sing the anthem was too much for the man. LA was too much for the man.

All that, and less, at the link.

Bad Bullpen

Shanks devotes yet another column pointing out the weakness of the Red Sox bullpen.

NEW YORK — Put the champagne on ice for another day.

On a night when it looked like the Red Sox would clinch their third consecutive American League East title, Boston’s Raging Bullpen struck again and the Sox suffered a 3-2 defeat to the Yankees.

Brandon Workman and Ryan Brasier put a torch to Boston’s 1-0 lead in the seventh inning. Workman walked a pair before Brasier surrendered a three-run homer to Neil Walker.

So take those old records off the shelf, remove the cellophane from in front of the lockers, and get the bubbly out of the room. For at least one more day.

Color Me Shocked! - II

Well, that didn't take long, did it?

NEW YORK -- It’s not Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It’s Lincoln Tunnel Syndrome.

Mercy!

David Price willingly put the bull’s-eye on his back. He teased about not being able to pitch against the Yankees because he’d played too much fortnite. He said this was going to be just another game.
And then he submitted perhaps the loudest, worst starting performance of his decorated career.

Too hot (91 degrees Sunday night)? Too cold (42 when the Yanks lit up Price in Fenway in April)? Allergies?

Without a doubt.

We know for sure now that Price is allergic to Pinstripes. He is allergic to the Bronx.

In what was billed by everyone as the most important non-playoff start in Price’s three-year career with the Red Sox, he surrendered five homers and eight runs in 3⅓ innings of a 11-1 loss to the Bombers Sunday. The Yankees vaulted back into first place and Price slinked off to Washington, spitting out pieces of his broken luck.

With the 2,000'th utterance of that little Jethro Tull lyric (an otherwise enjoyable song) in his column, time for this cat to stop reading...

The Obligatory David Price Column

Shank continues to heap praise on the embattled pitcher, but that will change sometime this year.

All he is saying is give Price a chance

What never changes - lame and extremely dated song lyric references!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Despite all the noise and nonsense — and even though I thought he lost his mind and his manners and blew up the Red Sox season last year — I am a big believer in David Price’s talent. I think he could be Boston’s best pitcher this year. I think he could have a Cy Young season. I think he could win back the fans.

Perhaps this demonstrates some character flaw, but I just can’t quit on Price. I thought Boston folks were too tough on him when he was characterized as a failure after winning 17 games and leading the majors in innings in 2016. I was still in Price’s camp early last summer, right up until he ambushed Dennis Eckersley on the team charter, creating a loser culture of tension and joylessness.

I'm not entirely sold on the above premise that Shank's fully self-aware. I'm also not entirely sold on this on again, off again fake love affair with Price. If and when it becomes news that Price is opting out of his contract later this year (I think it's going to be when, not if), Shank will turn on the afterburners and write two successive columns with the sole purpose of running David Price out of town. The only thing that will stop that from happening is his boss, John Henry, nixing the columns, which we're certain has already happened a number of times since Henry bought the Globe years ago.

You Heard It Here First

Longtime readers of this blog know how well Shank loves the Neil Diamond song 'Sweet Caroline'. About an hour or so ago I'm on ESPN 3 watching one of the World Cup qualifiers (Malta vs. England) and the Maltese crowd was singing, you guessed it, 'Sweet Caroline' just before the first half kickoff. My prediction - with that insipid car commercial fueling the fire, this might catch on worldwide, displacing 'Seven Nation Army' by the White Stripes as the song of choice.

Prize Claimed

A Patriots themed post whilst we wait for Shank to turn his lonely eyes to Foxborough...

On Monday I posted something on the David Price / Dennis Eckersley situation (for lack of a more accurate word or phrase), wherein it was mentioned an obvious truth - the Boston sports media are generally a bunch of negative assholes. A commenter who is fully versed in this local dynamic said in part the following:

I cannot wait until Belichick gives them the first hearty "go get your shinebox" of training camp come Thursday afternoon.

Newspapers can't die fast enough.

Mr. Anonymous, step up and claim your prize!

Covering Bill Belichick seems like it must be absolutely brutal. Belichick gives stubbornly unhelpful answers to almost all inquiries, and when he does elaborate, it typically involves berating the questioner.

But while this must be quite exhausting for the dutiful Patriots beat writers who have to confront it day-to-day, it’s kind of fun for the rest of us to watch from afar.

On Friday, Belichick was asked about the performance of Austin Carr, an undrafted rookie who made highlight reels with his impressive catch at training camp Thursday. Sounds like an innocent question, right? Well instead of offering some platitude about how Carr looked good and the team was excited to see what he could do, Belichick totally rejected the premise.

Here was his response, via the Boston Globe’s Ben Volin:

It may be the preseason, but Bill Belichick is in midseason media form. There's partial audio at the link. Since it was Ben Volin asking the question, I'm glad Belichick smacked him in the face with the verbal 2"x 4".

I Want It Now!

Since the Celtics traded their first pick to the Philadelphia 76'ers on Friday, there has been a great deal of discussion about what move Danny Ainge is going to make next. Sounding like a theme he stole from local sports talk radio, Shank wants proven NBA talent RIGHT NOW, dammit!

Are you excited about the Celtics bagging that 2019 Sacramento Kings first-round pick?

Please, please, please, tell me the Celtics are not done. Tell me there is more to this than trading the long-coveted No. 1 pick to the Sixers for this year’s No. 3 pick, and another No. 1 from 2018 or 2019. I am not a patient sports enthusiast. I cannot wait for the year 2525.

The NBA Draft carousel is spinning madly, and nobody knows where it stops. The only thing we know for sure is that the Celtics have a great future. They have lots of draft picks. There are dozens of 12-year-old Marcus Smarts and Jaylen Browns out there who will someday patrol the parquet floor for the Green.

Shank doesn't want any of this fancy modern draft crap - he pines for the good 'ol days when Red Auerbach ruled the roost:

I can only imagine what Red Auerbach would say if he were around today to hear what’s going on in these days leading up to the NBA Draft.

The draft was so much more fun when we didn’t know anything. We assumed Red knew what he was doing, and usually Red was right.

In 1956, Red came away with the greatest single haul in draft history — three Hall of Famers in one draft. Red traded his second-best player, Ed Macauley, to get the second pick in the draft, then had his owner (Walter Brown) pledge the Ice Capades to Rochester so they wouldn’t take Bill Russell with the first overall pick.

A not so subtle shot? - 'Top that, Danny Ainge!'

Dating Oneself

I caught the last 20 minutes of this on the Expressway this afternoon, and if I was 98.5 management, I wouldn't want to see the Arbitron ratings.

On SportsHub now until 2, filling in for Zo and Beetle with Adam Kaufman. Hope to get some Mitch Miller on.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 23, 2016

Mitch Miller? Seriously?

It's Official - Shank's Back On The Pats Bandwagon

After winning three games in a row with multiple starters out of the lineup in each game, why wouldn't you shamelessly start rooting for the Patriots again?

Memo to Patriots fans: Deflategate is your friend. It has given birth to absolute truths that serve only to magnify and solidify that local notion that Bill Belichick and the Patriots are 10 times better and smarter than every other NFL team.

The first-place, 3-0 Patriots will enjoy a well-deserved day of rest Sunday, but a message has been delivered to NFL America. It is not a comforting missive for the 31 franchises that hoped to prosper when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell dropped the hammer on the Team Everyone Loves to Hate. The Patriots are on a mission. They are kicking butt and taking names. The 2016 Patriots are waging war on the rest of the NFL and the commissioner who overly punished them for driving 68 in a 65-mile-per-hour zone.

A decent enough column ensues from here (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band lyrics aside), but I think Shank overstates something towards the end:

This cannot be a great feeling for Brady. Deflategate has established that any Jimmy, Jacoby or Matt can play quarterback for the Patriots and still win. Belichick and the Patriot Way are the big winners.

I don't think you can use a three game span like the most recent one and dismiss the contributions of one of the top quarterbacks in NFL history.

On second thought, since I don't feel like erasing the previous sentence, Shank's not dismissing Brady, he's simply discounting it and attributing the team's success to the team. Seriously, it didn't kill me just now to agree with Shank! Still, I think that point's fairly debatable.

Points awarded to Shank for being consistent on this point (not Deflategate as a whole, where he once called Tom Brady a cheater and gave it its own column):

The Patriots would secede from the NFL if they had anywhere elso to go, but they don’t. They will settle for winning another Super Bowl and rubbing everyone’s face in the dirt. Tom Brady is taking his punishment and it’s Scorched Earth Time here in Hatriot Nation. Our long national nightmare is over.

Back to the original column:

Feel the fire. Embrace the hate. Deflategate is the Patriots’ friend.

Did Shank just channel the Emperor from Star Wars?

Speaking Of Pretenders...

Six games into the Red Sox 2016 season, they're a .500 club, at 3-3. Considering last season, most normal people would be optimistic about the start so far. And then there's Shank:

Are the Red Sox contenders or pretenders?

The Red Sox lost to the Orioles, 9-7, in an action-packed 105th Fenway Park Opening Day Monday afternoon. The winning runs were scored when Orioles softball-league slugger Chris Davis mashed a 433-foot, three-run homer off new Sox closer Craig Kimbrel into the triangle in Fenway’s center field in the top of the ninth inning.

So now your 2016 Boston Red Sox are 3-3 after six games and you are legitimately left to wonder if we are in for another wasted summer of baseball.

Six games is a small sample.

But why let a little thing like that get in the way? He's got a team to trash!

...
The Fenway opener suggests it’s time to pay special attention to the overachieving Celtics on Causeway Street. The star-less Celtics finish their regular season Wednesday, start the playoffs this weekend, and will be playing crucial games at the end of April.

"And when they exit the playoffs, I'll shit on them just like I did with the Bruins on Sunday!"

...
Clay Buchholz (0-0, 11.25 ERA) gets the ball for Boston Tuesday night at Fenway. Anyone feeling good about that?

We can figure out one columnist who isn't...

Fake Shaughnessy Column

A reader sent this along yesterday, wondering why Shank's not writing about this story. He opines, rightly, had this been about a certain head football coach, you bet your ass there would have a Shank column by now (or two, or three!). This notion is shared by others:

Is there is a bigger fraud than Dan Shaughnessy in the entire media world? Had Bill Belichick been having a relationship with a reporter twenty years his junior, would Shaughnessy have completely ignored the topic in his columns as he has with John Farrell?

I'm pretty sure we have the answer to that question. Since there's now common ownership with the Red Sox and the Boston Globe, certain things will not be mentioned or written about by Boston Globe writers. This is one of them.

And now, without further adieu, the Fake Shaughnessy Column. Take a bow, Anonymous Reader Guy!

Love is.....
By: Dan Shaughnessy
Boston Globe
March 10, 2016

There's supposed to be no cheering in the press box, but as the great Stephen Stills once said, "Love the one your with."

Boston's manager who is already under fire for 2 straight last place finishes finds the ice cracking beneath his feet after revelations of a "relationship" between himself and Jessica Moran of CSNNE (Full disclosure, I'm able to scam both the Red Sox owners and CSNNE mgmt. out of pay checks).

This is the kind of behavior we've come to expect from Bob Kraft and the Lovely Rikki down in Foxborough.

When Farrell was hired he was supposed to be John Wayne, instead he thinks he's John Holmes.

Sox ownership has to be embarrassed about this. (If you've noticed I never asked what Sox owner Tom Werner knew about Dr. Cosby and when he knew it.).

The bloodthirsty shut ins are getting their pounds of flesh over on sports radio, I look down my nose at them even as I grab a check once a week.

Why does Moran have to resign and not Farrell? She's in the media, she can't be in the wrong.

But that's not how it works.

KissCam at Fenway has taken on a whole new meaning.

Who will replace Moran's ability to read off of a teleprompter and the hard work that goes into that? I wouldn't have resigned (Marge Schott took a run at me one night but that's another story for another time) If I was Jess I'd take Warren Zevon's advice and have dad send "Lawyers, guns and money".

Oh well, CSNNE is sending someone named Trenni down here to replace Jess.

If Red Sox Maestro Dr. Charles Steinber was still alive we'd be doing the dating game (Tom Selleck was on it, he used to own a Tigers hat) between innings on the infield with your host Bob Eubanks (Jim Lange passed a couple of years ago)

"Batchelor #1, If I were to sit on your lap, what would we talk about?"

Answer: "The 1st thing that pops up and I don't mean the infield fly rule."

Oh well, CSNNE is sending someone named Trenni down here to replace Jess.

Only time I've ever heard of her she was whining about getting the runs at the Socchi Olympics. (And Bob Costas thought he had problmes with his pink eye).

Opening day is coming up, now's the time for NESN to bring back Sox Appeal.

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe Columnist