Thursday, September 29, 2011

Shank On The Last Sox Game

It's almost as if Shank writes these columns with great satisfaction.
BALTIMORE - The greatest choke in baseball history ended the only way it could have ended, with the Red Sox gagging on the Camden Yards lawn one last time.

Truly unbelievable. This feels like revenge for 2004 and 2007. It is as if the baseball gods are punishing Red Sox Nation for hubris and arrogance and good times that seemed so good, so good, so good.

The Sox were set to pop champagne last night. They were leading the Orioles, 3-2, and the Rays were trailing, 7-0, in the eighth inning. Just a few simple outs and the Sox were going to Texas to start the Division Series tomorrow.
The usual boilerplate claptrap follows (game recap, a few quotes, etc.).

It's time for Shank to start shitting on the Patriots and coach Bill Belichick, now that fall's officially here...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Return Of Captain Obvious

Our guy has a firm grasp on the self-evident:
Still tied, one game left

Season on line for Sox tonight

BALTIMORE - So now it comes to this: One hundred and sixty one games played, one to go. Are the 2011 Red Sox going to go down as the greatest chokers of all time or are they going to make the playoffs?

Led by the first two homers of Ryan Lavarnway’s career, the staggering Sox beat the Orioles, 8-7, last night and remain tied with Tampa Bay in the American League wild-card race. Beleaguered manager Terry Francona tonight hands the ball to struggling lefthander Jon Lester while the Rays joust with the Yankees one last time on Florida’s Gulf Coast.

“We’re just going to come in here and play our butts off and see what happens,’’ said de facto captain Dustin Pedroia. “Nobody’s going to have any regrets. We’re going leave it all out there.’’
"...and give 110 percent & take it one game at a time... oh, wait - this is the one game!"

The rest of Shank's column is your standard game recap, Erik Bedard gets a nickname from him ("Big Game" Bedard), and other facts & things that he repeats from his prior two columns.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Drew Magary Not A Shank Fan

Checking out the daily Deadspin funbag, we get a not-so-subtle reminder of Drew's opinion of the ace Boston Globe sports columnist:
By the way, speaking of the Red Sox, did you see this fucking Shaughnessy column? Did you? The only thing worse than Pubeface's column is the Schwab ad-style artwork of his big stupid face over in the sidebar.

We are reeling. Our world no longer makes sense... Have there been worse days in the history of New England sports?

Oh, God. EAT A BAG OF AIDS. Your football team lost in Week 2 and your baseball team has won two titles in the past decade. OMIGAWD! IT'S BILL BUCKYDENTNAHHHBOONE ALL OVAH AGAIN! What a complete ass. When a Boston team wins, he's an ass. When a Boston team loses, he's an ass. AMERICA IS SUFFERING FROM YOUR CUNTINESS.
I'm guessin' that Drew's not much of a New England fan either...

Monday, September 26, 2011

Distress Call

Shank has his best material to write with in the last two columns - a Red Sox loss and a Patriots loss to the Bills. But take heart, folks - Shank's still on the bandwagon!
ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. - We are reeling. Our world no longer makes sense. The Patriots can’t even beat the Buffalo Bills anymore.

In a skittish September of cataclysmic Red Sox freefall, we still had the Patriots over the Bills. It was right there with death, taxes, and the first penalty in Montreal. Just as Rick and Ilsa always had Paris, we always had the Patriots over the Bills. It was a sure thing.

But now it’s all gone. On a day when Tom Brady was intercepted four times, the Patriots blew a 21-0 lead and lost to the Bills, 34-31, in front of 68,174 long-suffering witnesses at Ralph Wilson Stadium. The Patriots had beaten the Bills 15 consecutive times since 2003.
A standard game recap ensues, followed by a few quotes from coach Belichick, and topped off by lame Simon & Garfunkel lyrics to mercifully end this standard Shank 'effort'.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Shank Finally Snaps

It's been a tough two weeks, watching the Red Sox lose a buttload of games. Shank isn't going to take it anymore:
With nowhere else to turn, I called baseball commissioner Bud Selig yesterday.

Left him a message:

Please, Bud. This is your chance to think outside the box. You have sweeping powers that enable you to make unilateral decisions “in the best interests of baseball.’’

How about banishing the 2011 Red Sox from postseason play on the grounds of horsebleep play for the entire month of September?
Nothing like an over the top thought to kick off a column. And now we get to the stand-up comedy routine:
Really, how do you root for these guys anymore? They have the third-highest payroll in baseball. One of the players talked about winning 100 games at the start of spring training. A local tabloid touted them as “Best Team Ever’’ before a game was played.
Remember who else was on that bandwagon?

What a difference six months makes!

Oh - and Bruce? Stay off this site if you value your anonymity. I have a post, ready to go, with the 'Best of OB Quotes' and that NECN clip from April of last year that will remove any doubt as to your identity.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Turn On A Dime Dan = II

Yesterday's column was an exercise in panic and comparisons to previous epic Red Sox playoff collapses. After last night's single win, everything's back to normal in Shankville. We're good, right?
Feel better now?

Josh Beckett came back to the rotation last night and pitched six strong innings. Daniel Bard got back on the horse and struck out the side in the eighth. Mike Aviles tore a hole in the Sports Authority sign with a game-winning homer and the Red Sox stopped the bleeding with a 4-3 victory over the surging Rays.

In the race for the American League wild card, the Sox hold a four-game lead with 12 to play - seven against the Baltimore Zer-O’s.

So there. Terry Francona is not Don Zimmer. Kevin Youkilis is not Butch Hobson. Jacoby Ellsbury is not Fred Lynn, and Don Orsillo is not Ned Martin.

We are not in the Way Back Machine. It is not 1978.
Except that Shank's Friday column did everything possible to convince you this was indeed 1978 redux. Today's column? Bring on the Yankees!

If I was a cynical type, I'd say Shank writes diametrically opposed columns like this just to stir the pot. Either that, or he's bipolar...

Friday, September 16, 2011

Shank - Off the Bandwagon

Behold, the column we've all been waiting for.
There was a time when Red Sox fans expected the Local Nine to collapse. It was an autumnal right (rite? - Ed): The leaves turn brown and the Red Sox turn to dust.

I was a mere college kid in the summer of 1974 when the Red Sox led the vaunted Orioles by seven games on Aug. 23, but wound up finishing third, seven games back.

One year after that collapse, the Sox built another huge lead in late summer. Still, we worried. When the Orioles came to town in September, Baltimore manager Earl Weaver tried to scare all of New England, saying, “We’ve crawled out of more coffins than Bela Lugosi.’’
Great line, Earl! Great editing, copy desk!

Shank tells a few more tales of late summer collapses, then reveals his true position on the Sox (and more nitpicking):
Could it happen to your Boston Red Sox - the “Best Team Ever,’’. the team with the $160 million payroll (four times that of the Rays); the team with 15 All-Stars, two world championships this decade, and six playoff appearances in eight seasons?
I'm pretty sure the two championships happened last decade, but who am I to get in the way of a negative column, especially when Shank invokes the great bogeyman of Red Sox history, just in case you weren't sure:
Scoots was unable to dodge the bat and field the ball simultaneously, so the ball skidded between his legs, Buckner style.
We're only a Springsteen quote and a Schilling cheap shot away from one of the worst finest Shank columns evah!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

What Gives?

I'm expecting Shank to rip the Red Sox and we get this column on Tim Wakefield's 200th win instead. I mean, if you can't trash the Patriots, it has to be some other local team, right?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dump Taken?

Just spotted one of Shank's CNN / SI columns in which he boldly declares that neither the Red Sox or Yankees will win the World Series. Here's the meat of it:
With three weeks left in the regular season, the Sox and Yanks think they're the chosen ones this year ... but there's one little problem. Postseason series are won with dominant pitching (remember the salami-bat Giants of 2010?) and -- for all their double-digit scoring and star-laden offenses -- the Red Sox and Yankees don't have consistent pitching beyond their No. 1 starters. That's why neither team is going to win the World Series this year.
In light of the Sox' current skid, I eagerly await the fire-breathing, vitriolic Globe column any day now...

Monday, September 12, 2011

I'm Shocked!

I know Shank's one of the laziest writers out there, but why would he pass on a chance to take a dump on the slumping Red Sox and declare their season over?

I'm guessing he doesn't get paid by the word...

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Shank On Keegan Bradley

Making up for lost time, Shank cranks out his third column in as many days. He's covering the Deutsche Bank Champoinship golf tournament again and has a local angle in Mr. Bradley.
NORTON - Eight years ago, he was one of the dozens of gangly, mumbling high school athletes who trudge into our building on Morrissey Boulevard to get their photo taken in recognition of athletic excellence.

Keegan Bradley of Hopkinton High was our Division 2 golfer of the year in 2003. He got his picture in the Sunday Globe and went to the annual awards reception at the Braintree Marriott to have lunch (chicken fingers, hot dogs), pose for more photos, and pick up his plaque. North Shore legend Dick Jauron (then coach of the Chicago Bears) was the guest speaker and the former Yale star had the undivided attention of the swimmers from Weston, footballers from Everett, and the tall shaggy-haired golfer from the Tri-Valley League.

So, there you go. Before he was a PGA champion, Keegan Bradley was a Globe All-Scholastic.
Shank fails to ask the most important question of all - where's Keegan gonna take a piss?

Friday, September 02, 2011

Two Turds In A Row

Shank follows up his execrable effort from Thursday with a picked up pieces column, complete with references to bands from the 1960's and a gratuitous shot at Albert Haynesworth, Shank's latest whipping post.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Basebrawl / Milestone Reached

The long national nightmare is over - Shank gets off his lazy ass and writes his first Globe column in ten days. And I know what you're going to say - I waited ten days for this shit?
There was serious anticipation at Fenway Park last night. Were the Yankees and Red Sox going to revert to old-school ways? Was there a possibility that a night at Fenway could turn into the Jerry Springer show or a free Rolling Stones concert with Hells Angels providing security?

This is what a lot of us were wondering when Josh Beckett threw the first pitch to Brett Gardner at (Big Gulp-sponsored?) 7:11 p.m.

An ultra-tidy three hours and 16 minutes later (quick one this time), we had our answer. No fisticuffs. No beanballs. No purpose to the pitches.

Just another 9-5 Red Sox domination of the Yankees on the strength of seven innings from Beckett (4-0 vs. New York this year) and two-run homers by David Ortiz, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Jason Varitek. The Sox are 11-3 against the Yanks this season.
Nothing says 'domination' like a single win over the Yankees after losing to them the night before. Nothing says mailed-in Shank column like a thirty year old Rolling Stones reference.

The milestone - this is the 1,000th DSW post. Wheee!