Shank's Not Alone At Mailing Things In

This article caught my eye:

January 31, 2011
Rookie says Tiger mailed in final round at Torrey Pines

Posted at 4:12 PM by Mike Walker | Categories: 2011 Farmers Insurance Open, Brendan Steele, Tiger Woods, Torrey Pines

Rookie Brendan Steele didn't see eye-of-the-tiger intensity from Tiger Woods when he was paired with Woods in the final round of the Farmers Insurance Open at Torrey Pines on Sunday. Steele shot 70 en route to a T17 finish, while Woods shot 75 to finish tied for 44th. Afterward, Steele said that Woods appeared to lose interest in his round Sunday once he started to struggle, according to an article in this week's issue of Sports Illustrated.

"I don't think he gave it ?everything today," Steele told SI. "Once it started going in the wrong direction, I don’t think it had his full attention."

Throughout his career, Woods has been known as a grinder who brings maximum effort and focus to every shot on the course. However, that legendary intensity has appeared to flag at times, most recently during the second round at last year's Quail Hollow Championship, when Woods shot 79 and missed the cut.

Does this mean Tiger's done? Will we see Tiger pissing in fewer porta potties in upcoming golf tournaments?

Shank On Celtics / Lakers

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column reviews yesterday's Celtics win over the Lakers. Shank's back on the bandwagon, folks!

Clear Thinking Column

Shank pens one of his few hockey themed columns today, focusing on the most recent concussion suffered by Marc Savard. It's one of his better columns, with one candid self-assessment (and one questionable call):

I’m not much of a hockey guy...

Eric Lindros, one of the greatest hockey players of all time...

I wonder if the Globe will be sending Shank to Arlington next week to cover the Super Bowl?

Shank's Weekend In Pittsburgh

We've already seen two Shank Globe columns of, um, less than stellar quality while covering the Jets - Steelers game from last night; today he nearly makes up for it with this quality CNN / SI submission.

One quibble (emphasis mine):

PITTSBURGH -- We know the celebrity quarterbacks. Tom Brady has won three Super Bowls, is married to a supermodel and gets to meet Popes and presidents. Peyton Manning cuts that meat, wins multiple MVPs and occasionally is mentioned as the greatest ever. Drew Brees was Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year. Aaron Rodgers is Super Bowl-bound, the flavor of the month in January 2011. Michael Vick is infamous. Even Philip Rivers gets into the discussion.

And then there's Ben Roethlisberger, the double-wide quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

You don't think that Shank's implying that Big Ben is trailer trash, is he? Surely a resident of Newton, MA wouldn't resort to class warfare or a cheap stereotype of someone who may have had a tough, hardscrabble upbringing, would he?

Almost as important (emphasis on almost) - this site's resident snotty, pretentious gasbag Globeophile (there's a difference?) has just crawled out from whatever rock he's been hiding under to offer some rather underwhelming commentary. Color me surprised! Perhaps he can explain the vast chasm between the quality of his Globe columns vs. his CNN / SI efforts. Since that would entail thought and analysis instead of a reflexive defence of Shank, maybe I'm asking for too much.

Painful

That's my take on Shank's column this morning:

Did you watch or did you boycott because you believed the Patriots should have been playing?

Almost forgot about Parochial Shank - makes columns even less interesting!

...

The greatest comeback in conference championship history was pulled off by the Colts. Remember that one? Indianapolis trailed the New England Patriots, 21-3, then came back to win, 38-34, in January of 2007.

It’s always about us, right?

No, it's mostly about you...

On Again, Off Again

He's just trying to stir the pot with this column, but let's also look at recent history for comparative purposes.

Shank, today:

I’m in. I’m on the Jets bandwagon. I’ve been carrying Fireman Ed on my shoulders all over Pittsburgh, and let me tell you, he’s heavier than he looks.

Shank, September 19, 2010:

The Jets, meanwhile, are the blowhards. The Jets are the bullies who cower when the going gets tough. The Jets eat cheeseburgers at practice and laugh about it. They swear on camera. They bask in their status as the It Team of 2010. They have a coach who says, “We know we’re better than you and we’re going to beat the [expletive] out of you.’’ And then they go out on Monday night against Baltimore, commit 14 penalties (125 yards), and produce one of the worst offensive performances (six first downs) anyone can remember.

Shank, again today:

If none of these arguments bring you around, you should root for the Jets tonight because you don’t want to root for the Steelers. The Steelers and their fans are babies. By any definition, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is a boor. If he wins tonight, he’s going to his third Super Bowl, and that’s going to start talk of comparisons with Brady.

The Steelers have won two Super Bowls since the last time the Patriots won one. You want to see them go for a third?

No. You want the Jets.

Shank, November 14, 2010:

If you have been to Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers, you know exactly what I am talking about. If you’ve never been, maybe you’ve picked it up just by watching on TV. Pittsburgh is simply the cradle of the NFL.

The Steelers are about continuity, excellence, toughness, and tradition. They are football’s comfort food. You see the logo on the right side of the helmet and you know you are watching the NFL at its best.

What's tomorrow's column gonna look like if the Steelers beat the Jets today? Do you think he's already at work on that column? I wonder...

Shank Update

Adam Jones (98.5 The Sports Hub) says he's in Pittsburgh covering tomorrow night's Jets - Steelers game. Maybe he's putting in some overtime and we'll get two columns out of this? Think we'll see some, um, 'sampling' from this column?

Ain't Letting Go

Dear reader - you didn't think Shank was going to write a single, measly column on the Patriots loss, did you?

The Patriots’ season was a failure.

The rational part of our brain wants to congratulate the Patriots for exceeding preseason expectations and compiling the best record in the NFL.

But we're not talking rational, folks, we're talking Shank:

All good. But the reality is that this season goes down as a failure because of what happened Sunday. And because of what should have happened Sunday.

Shank, however, was singing a slightly different tune two months ago:

No one thought the Patriots had a chance to get back to the big games again this year. But this is proving to be a year in which anything is possible in the NFL and that includes a deep run by Belichick and the Patriots. The Pats play at home on Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. It's another gigantic challenge for the High Priest of the Hooded Sweatshirt.

Don't wait for Belichick to thump his chest and tell you what a great job he's doing. He's not going to admit that this season is a personal test of his football mastery. We know it's the truth and we'll have to say it for him.

Looks to me like Shank, as always, raised his expectations to unreasonable levels after Belichick & the Patriots ran the table this year, and now decides to take the annual dump on them for failing to meet those unreasonable expectations. Factor in the six draft picks in the first three rounds of next year's draft, and you'd think that gives reason for optimism next year. Like we'll ever see that in a Shank Globe column...

Two Papers In One - III

Shank's CNN / SI column looks a lot like yesterday's column, doesn't it? Take out the Belichick bashing, add in a few paragraphs quoting Rex Ryan, and voila!

How long before the CNN / SI editors catch onto Shank's act?

Off The Bandwagon

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will trash the Patriots after a divisional round playoff loss. Shank attributes the loss to many factors, most of them of the coaching variety:

The much-hyped coaching duel morphed into Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Grady Belichick.

...

The Patriots made a bad gamble on a fake punt that backfired badly before intermission and New England’s clock management in the fourth quarter had fans wondering who let Clive Rush back on the Patriots sideline.

...

Sometimes the Patriots are too smart for their own good. This looked like pure arrogance. And it worked out about as well as Grady Little leaving Pedro Martinez on the mound in the Bronx.

...and only one pertaining to personnel, although Shank didn't seem to have a problem with it while the Pats were winning:

...but the Jets pressured Brady and covered the Patriots corps of short receivers.

Like we were to expect something different from Shank in this situation? Not likely.

No More Hype

Thus spake Shank after a week long war of words. The column updates the latest trash talk (by Welker and Scott of the NYJ), compares this game to the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, treats us to a few Shankisms:

...the greatest upset in the history of the Roman Numeral Game.

...the Auerbachian Belichick.

...and that's about it. As good a column as we'll see out of Shank.

Offensive

That aptly describes a few of Shank's recent efforts, but not necessarily this one. It looks like writing columns on trash-talking Jets players produces readable results, as this one is. Good on the Patriots for not getting caught up in this nonsense, nagging reporter questions notwithstanding.

Well, It's An Improvement

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, his coaching career and the upset over the Saints this past Saturday.

Can someone tell me what the hell "boola-boola" is? I think it has something to do with being "pumped and jacked". Maybe it's newfangled professional sports columnist vernacular?

Nice to know Shank's on the Carroll bandwagon this year. Digging through the archives, however, Old Shank had a less than positive opinion of the former Patriots coach:

Pete Carroll: “… little more than a smarter, drug-free Butch Hobson …” Jan. 3, 1999, and “Papa Pete, the drug-free Daddy Butch Hobson of this southbound train …” Nov. 29, 1999

DHL Dan - VI

Not content with butchering regular columns, Shank slaps together a column purporting to be Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick sitting next to one another on an airplane.

This, dear readers, is a definitive member of the Mount Rushmore of Bad Shank columns. He might as well have started this column with "It was a dark and stormy night". Ripping off lines from "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" further serve to add to the epic lameness of this column. It is neither funny nor entertaining in any way, shape or fashion. I will not post a word of it here, lest I become accused of inflicting unnecessary pain and suffering on any readers. It took me two tries to read the entire column, having stopped halfway through in utter disbelief at what I was reading. I might understand this 'effort' as the second of back-to-back columns, but he had three days since his last column, and came up with this garbage? Shank must have a genetic defect that left his embarrassment gene out of his DNA during conception. I'd rather stare at a turd in the toilet for a few minutes than to re-read that column.

That, or it's a masterstroke at flipping off your bosses with this thousand word insult. Over the past week, Shank's writing has truly sucked.

Awful

That's Drew Magary's take on Shank's CNN / SI effort on Monday, when Shank called for cancelling further Winter Classic hockey games. The usual complaints about Shank are there - lazy + provincial + unthinking = awful. I'll call that Shank's Theory of Relativity. Not exactly as earth shattering as E = MC², but at least we have a working definition.

Having read (or not read) these columns for the better part of two decades, I just can't get worked up over a bad Shank column anymore. Maybe it takes a special kind of terrible column for this to happen, or maybe I just look at a column and can't be bothered to make the determination if this is a standard Shank column, a mail-it-in type, or the execrable type, as Drew mentions here. It's kind of like when I'm on the Red Line, and on the rare occasion get to sit down in a seat. I don't like sitting directly next to someone; I'll sit only if I have an open seat on both sides. Most of the time someone will go for one of those open seats, and 98% of the time I just get up and move. I don't want to make the split-second determination if this person has a fat enough ass that it plops over into my seat. I just say 'to hell with it' and bail out before it happens.

Other theories are welcome in the comments.

Now That's Just Mean

From the FARK Sports tab:

News: Boston sportswriter comes out. FARK: It's not Dan Shaughnessy

DHL Dan - V

Shank's Friday column covers the Patriots during their bye week. Don't bother reading it. It can be summarized as follows:

1) The Patriots are favored to win the Super Bowl.

2) Someone not named Shank interviewed Vince Wilfork.

3) Here are the results of the last seven Patriots playoff games.

I might be going way out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure most Patriots fans are aware of 1) and 3) already. There are only two explanations for this column - Shank is lazy, or Shank thinks you, the reader, are stupid and uninformed.

Great Game, Good Column

Shank devotes today's column to last night's Celtics win over the Spurs. Since both teams sport the two best records in the NBA, we won't yet hear from Shank how ancient each roster is, at least until they start losing a few in a row. Throw in a Larry Bird reference and some lyrics from a sixties hippie, and it's a standard Shank effort.

Retired?

Shank's opinion of the hockey Winter Classic - retire it. After acknowledging the first three as successes, weather conditions conspired to make the fourth Classic (in Pittsburgh) a comparative dud, most notably with Ovechkin falling down on an attempted slapshot.

While there's some merit in his argument, it strikes me as typical Shank - bail out at the first sign of trouble. His notion of ending the Winter Classic runs counter to this sentence:

If it's cold enough, I would be OK with any outdoor game in Detroit, Montreal or Toronto. Yankee Stadium might even work.

Average temperatures in these cities at this point in the year are 33, 23, 28 and 37 degrees Fahrenheit, respectively. So why not try some / all of these next venues, then decide if it's worthwhile? Probably because this column needs to take some definitive position, and Shank takes the easy, and negative, out.

Impressive Team; Column, Not So Much

Shank recaps yesterday's Patriots 38 - 7 win over the Miami Dolphins. It's an average Shank effort, chock full of absurd hyperbole ("Certainly the sad Dolphins would have been better off sending cardboard cutouts"), non football related comparisons (Sinatra, Churchill, Wade Boggs, etc.) and really lame song references (Hootie and the Blowfish?), all of which serve to detract from the column and make it the average effort that it is, maybe less so.

Meaningless Game, Meaningless Column

If you've ever wondered why I call this guy DHL Dan, wonder no more. This column could have been written on the back of a napkin. When you need to reference a century old MLB commissioner, a deceased actor and a vice presidential nominee with no logical connection to today's game, you have answered the following question:

Why invest time, money, and mental energy when none of it means anything?

Exactly how I feel after reading this column...