Making The Rounds

Shank follows his usual spring training pattern and profiles various Red Sox players, starting with Christian Vasquez this year.

Also noted is Shank's focus on Red Sox payroll:

The $200 million Red Sox have a lot of thunder in their new lineup.
...
The affable 24-year-old backstop doesn’t make a lot of noise in the millionaire’s club that is the Sox clubhouse.

Much like Shank with the Patriots (referring to nearly all opponents as 'tomato cans' so he has the chance to crap on them if they lose), he will constantly be referring to this payroll number in future columns in order to inflate their level of expectations so he can criticize them if they fail to meet those expectations.

The One Where The CHB Tries to Keep Pushing the Idea that Larry Lucchino is Being Pushed Out

The CHB is like a dog with a bone now that Larry Lucchino is no longer his best bud/tipster. For the umpteenth time, he pushes the notion that Lucchino has been unseated by Red Sox co-owner Mike Gordon in the pecking order.

That issue, if it even is one, has been repeatedly dispelled by chairman John Henry, not that The CHB is buying it. But keep in mind Shank always thinks management is lying, which is why he looks so foolish now that Ballgate has turned up exactly nothing untoward by the Patriots (not that it stops Shank from beating that dead horse here, too).

Speaking of dead horses, The CHB then tries to tie the Sox with the Yankees via -- who else? -- Lucchino's long-ago spoken words that the former would never try to be like the latter. But he does so off a complete fallacy of an argument, which is that because Boston has spent a lot on free agents, it makes them similar to the Yankees. Hey, here's a thought: How about actually looking at the players signed? Boston is investing its millions in youth, not aged superstars with known drug problems (A-Rod) at easily replaceable positions (Mark Teixiera) who are primed to break down (C.C. Sabathia).

And who blew hardest just a couple dozen months ago when the Sox went cheap on player investments? Oh yeah....

One other thing: Have you noticed how the Red Sox management appears to be denying The CHB any one-on-one time? All these conversations are taken from full media sessions.

Washing The Balls, Washing The Balls

It's amusing to read the beginning of certain Shank columns just for gems like this one:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — When the Red Sox traded Jon Lester to Oakland last summer — they didn’t want to pay Lester’s steep free agency price — I suggested that Boston baseball was becoming “Kansas City on the Charles.’’

That was wrong. And I’m not saying that just because John Henry, who owns the Globe and the Sox, is an all-around swell guy.

Then the column takes a more serious tone:

Asked if there would be any tweaks in the ownership, regarding upper management, Henry answered, “Last year Mike Gordon was named president of FSG but not the Red Sox. I read that ridiculous story (that would be yours, Shank! - ed). . . ridiculous in this sense . . . that there’s some sort of power struggle between Mike and Larry. Nothing could be further from the truth. There’s never been, that I know of, a word spoken in that regard within ownership.

“Mike is much more involved with Liverpool. He gets involved with the Red Sox with regard to financial decisions because of his tremendous financial mind. But there’s no power struggle.’’

Shank bravely sticks to his guns:

Sorry, boss, no retraction on this one.

Henry certainly knows how his organization is run and his is ultimately the only vote that matters, but when posed with the power shift question last week, the owner elected not to respond.

In the Red Sox’ official club directory of 2014, Gordon is not listed as anything other than “limited partner.” If the Sox made him president of FSG last year, they didn’t tell anyone. There’s been a change in the official hierarchy since last spring. And it is not subtle. For the first time, the official Red Sox website shows Gordon as the third-ranking Red Sox team official. In order, it’s Henry, Werner, Gordon, then Lucchino.

Coincidentally, we now have Gordon’s name included when club officials speak of the longstanding troika of “John, Tom, and Larry.’’ And some of us find it interesting that Lucchino just bought part of the Pawtucket Red Sox. Larry and Tom will be on campus to deny the power shift on Wednesday.

So, did someone feed Shank with some bogus information in an effort to embarrass him, prompting this column from last week to the applause of former Boston Globe buttboys? Or did Shank put this together on his own? Stay tuned for the next episode of 'As The Shank Turns'!

Let's Get Large - The Weighty Issues

Most of the time, the best way not to call attention to something is not to write about it. Then there's this guy:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He ain’t heavy, he’s your third baseman.

Enough with Panda fat jokes. Pablo Sandoval is what he is. He is a 28-year-old switch-hitter who can rake. He can turn on the high fastball, something nobody does anymore. He can hit the ball that’s pitched away. He can hit tape-measure shots when batting from the left side. He can hit when it matters most. He’s also a cat-like defender, surprisingly nimble at the hot corner. Think Wilfork with a Wilson mitt on his left hand.

There’s been a lot of fat talk around Camp Red Sox since intrepid Steve Silva of Boston.com snapped a photo of Panda standing around the infield, looking a little like Marlon Brando in “Apocalypse Now.’’

Sandoval was caught in a classic Dunlap pose. You know the joke. His belly done lapped his belt. Somehow, the publication of this photo triggered a Fat Tuesday festivus of ridicule and repudiation. It was talk show fodder back home in Boston for a few days and even David Letterman weighed in with a Top 10 list of things you don’t want to hear from your $95 million baseball player. Publicly, Sandoval put on a happy face. He posed for a gut-protruding photo with teammates Hanley Ramirez and Joe Kelly. They called it the Panda Pose and sent it out on Twitter.

But Sox insiders claimed Sandoval was hurt. Changed. Burned.
...
Which brings us back to the Kung Fu Panda, the corpulent captain of Team Tundra (vast waist land). In Red Sox lore, Sandoval is a worthy successor to Babe Ruth, Mo Vaughn, and Rich Garces.

Safe to say that Shank broke his pledge not to goof on Sandoval's weight with this column.

Let's Get Small

In his annual column about Dustin Pedroia, The CHB tries -- and fails -- to get the former AL MVP to discuss his health, Jon Lester, the Red Sox' chances in 2015, and playing with abandon.

Shank calls the interview a snore session. The same could be said for his column.

Warning Issued

Red Sox Spring Training - 2015

Let's see how this uninspiring first missive from Ft. Myers can be summed up - it's cold and snowy in New England, Pete Abraham & Nick Cafardo write forty times more columns than Shank does, the Sox are favorites to win the AL East, and Shank half-cracked his first Pablo Sandoval fat joke.

It's Shetland Pony Time Again

Shank showed up on the Bertrand & Zolak show a few days ago to take his annual dump on Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari.

File this under Slow News Week...

In Search Of.... I

A certain commenter and well-known Globeophile has returned after a long, long absence. I was hoping 'good fucking riddance', but he comes back for more punishment.

I'm wondering if there's a possibility that this contributor might be our man, so to speak?

Like Michael Felger, I'm just asking the question!

Promises Are Made To Be Broken

Shank, October 25, 2014:

I promise never to rip Sandoval for being out of shape or going on the disabled list.

Pablo Sandoval, in Red Sox training camp earlier today:

This photo comes from Boston.com's Steve Silva, and shows new Red Sox third baseman (signed through 2019) Pablo Sandoval on his first day in camp. OK, so maybe he's a little robusto. He just got $100 million guaranteed. That's not really his problem anymore.
...
But if Sandoval happens to slump...I guarantee you'll have never heard "you fat fuck" yelled so many times in New England accents.

Since Shank's always been full of shit, when does he break his laughable 'pledge'? First day he shows up at Ft. Myers? First booted ground ball by The Panda? First serious batting slump? Leave your guesses (by date of the column ripping Sandoval) in the comments section, and the winner gets a stuffed doll from yours truly!

DHL Dan XXXIX - The Shift Is On

The first column from Shank in nearly two weeks is the Picked Up Pieces column. You can save yourself some time and look at Shank's Twitter account during the same timespan - a good number of his 'pieces' can be found there.

That's how you mail it in, folks!

No Shot Too Cheap For Shank

A fortnight after the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl, Shank has an unanswered question:

Shank conveniently omits these follow-up questions:

Q. You stumbled after that play, but you stayed in the game. Does that mean you were not injured?

A. Next question.

Q. Were you tested for a concussion?

A. I went through all the protocols.

Here is a discussion of NFL concussion protocols. It looks to me that if Edelman failed the protocols, he would not have been allowed back in the game.

Better luck next time, Shank!

Failing Logic 101

Danny Boy has a 'brilliant' observation about the recent onslaught of global warming in the Boston area:

He'd have a point, if Boston was going to host the 2024 Winter Olympics.

Dork.

DHL Dan XXXVIII / That Was Easy!

Still basking in the glow of the New England Patriots Super Bowl win, Shank thinks long and hard about his next column, and here's what we get:

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Fifteen years. Nine duck boat parades. All four sports.

The New England Sports High Renaissance of the 21st century continues.

So many memories. So many datelines: New Orleans, Houston, St. Louis, Jacksonville, Denver, Vancouver, Glendale, and, of course, right at home in Boston.

No city has ever enjoyed a period of sports success like this. So let’s do what no one else can do: Let’s rank them.

Life's tough when you're steering the bandwagon...

Super Bowl XLIX - Wrapup

It must have killed Shank to write this column:

GLENDALE, Ariz. — There. New England football fans have the ultimate validation of the Patriot Way.

The Patriots once again established that they win because they are smarter, more clutch, and better than everybody else. Nothing less. Super Bowl XLIX was an homage to the Hoodie. For the first time in 10 years, the Patriots are champions of the football world, and no one can take that from them.

Like that would stop Shank from making an unfunny reference to...

In a wild game that had everything, the Patriots rallied from a 10-point deficit (it would have deflated most teams) with less than eight minutes remaining and defeated the Seattle Seahawks, 28-24, Sunday night at University of Phoenix Stadium.

But at least he manages to write about the game itself, so that's an improvement. of sorts.

Thoughts on Everything ... But the Game Itself

The penultimate Super Bowl column is one The CHB could have written in his sleep -- and probably did.

A recap of the events of the past two weeks, including the requisite nod toward ex Pats coach Pete Carroll (and -- who else? -- Bob Kraft), Spygate, David Tyree, Deflategate, and whether the Patriots are cheaters. Oh, and the "L" word: Legacy, as if winning three Super Bowls would somehow be diminished if they fail to capture a fourth. (Keep in mind that Tom Brady is the only Patriot remaining who was on that first Lombardi Trophy winner.)

How much of this has anything to do with tonight's game? Zero, zip, nil. But that's also what The CHB knows about football, and he has to fill his column with something, so as long as the Globe pays him for shit, where's the incentive to produce anything else?