Spring training hasn't officially even started but The CHB has already thrown out the season's first insult.
Make that the first barrage.
The first -- "Curt Schilling tried to lose the biscuit belly while burning all the copies of February's GQ Magazine" -- was the most humorous, although unintentionally so. I say unintentionally because, while hefty, Schilling is hardly the one to make fun of, especially when 1) he shares clubhouse with David Wells (whom Dan calls the "portly portsider") and Trot Nixon; 2) the author has made regular pleas for porkmeister Roger Clemens to return; and 3) the author could stand to lose a few pounds himself (better switch to Lite this year, Dan). Never realized a pitcher's effectiveness and weight went so hand in hand. Doesn't he remember ex Sox (Red and White) pitcher Wilbur Wood? Or for that matter, Babe Ruth?
The CHB then mocks ownership -- expect a lot of that this year, now that he is officially persona non grata around the offices at Yawkey Way. "John Henry lost millions," Dan snidely notes, and "Tom Werner made a home movie begging Roger Clemens to return" (Dan begged too, but why let that get in the way of a public flogging?). He then refers to former favorite snitch Larry Lucchino as "Daddy Dearest." Break ups are hard, aren't they Dano?
And let's not leave out Dan's subtle racist digs: "Manny's agent might be calling to warn the Sox about visa problems." Wells asks repeatedly to be traded, but it's the wacky but harmless (nonwhite) Boston slugger who has replaced Pedro Martinez as Dan's favorite bullseye.
Joe Sullivan calls him "brave," but I have to think Joe either suffers from acute memory problems or he doesn't actually read Dan's material. Indeed, when it comes to doling out insults, Dan is as fair weather as they come. Time was, Ortiz was Dan's trash receptacle, until he started hitting everything in sight out of sight and became a fan favorite and thus untouchable. Nomar: same story; revered in print until the talk radio masses turned against him, only then did he become fair game for Dan. Pedro, Schilling, Manny ... the list goes on. How long until Josh Beckett gives up a walkoff to ARod then misses his next start and Dan sets his sights on him?
This is the worst of the lot. Referring to the team's decision to take a more guarded approach with the media (hard to blame them after the free-for-all of the offseason), The CHB writes: "Epstein indicated that the Sox wanted to be more Patriotlike. Ugh. Paranoia strikes deep."
Sheesh, you'd think 3 Super Bowl wins in four years would buy you a little more respect. Anywhere but the Globe.