Sunday, February 19, 2006

Insults Spring Eternal

Spring training hasn't officially even started but The CHB has already thrown out the season's first insult.

Make that the first barrage.

The first -- "Curt Schilling tried to lose the biscuit belly while burning all the copies of February's GQ Magazine" -- was the most humorous, although unintentionally so. I say unintentionally because, while hefty, Schilling is hardly the one to make fun of, especially when 1) he shares clubhouse with David Wells (whom Dan calls the "portly portsider") and Trot Nixon; 2) the author has made regular pleas for porkmeister Roger Clemens to return; and 3) the author could stand to lose a few pounds himself (better switch to Lite this year, Dan). Never realized a pitcher's effectiveness and weight went so hand in hand. Doesn't he remember ex Sox (Red and White) pitcher Wilbur Wood? Or for that matter, Babe Ruth?

The CHB then mocks ownership -- expect a lot of that this year, now that he is officially persona non grata around the offices at Yawkey Way. "John Henry lost millions," Dan snidely notes, and "Tom Werner made a home movie begging Roger Clemens to return" (Dan begged too, but why let that get in the way of a public flogging?). He then refers to former favorite snitch Larry Lucchino as "Daddy Dearest." Break ups are hard, aren't they Dano?

And let's not leave out Dan's subtle racist digs: "Manny's agent might be calling to warn the Sox about visa problems." Wells asks repeatedly to be traded, but it's the wacky but harmless (nonwhite) Boston slugger who has replaced Pedro Martinez as Dan's favorite bullseye.

Joe Sullivan calls him "brave," but I have to think Joe either suffers from acute memory problems or he doesn't actually read Dan's material. Indeed, when it comes to doling out insults, Dan is as fair weather as they come. Time was, Ortiz was Dan's trash receptacle, until he started hitting everything in sight out of sight and became a fan favorite and thus untouchable. Nomar: same story; revered in print until the talk radio masses turned against him, only then did he become fair game for Dan. Pedro, Schilling, Manny ... the list goes on. How long until Josh Beckett gives up a walkoff to ARod then misses his next start and Dan sets his sights on him?

This is the worst of the lot. Referring to the team's decision to take a more guarded approach with the media (hard to blame them after the free-for-all of the offseason), The CHB writes: "Epstein indicated that the Sox wanted to be more Patriotlike. Ugh. Paranoia strikes deep."

Sheesh, you'd think 3 Super Bowl wins in four years would buy you a little more respect. Anywhere but the Globe.


jenny said...

Not sure if I agree with the "racist" label on the Manny insult, that may be reading too much into it (i.e. giving Dan too much credit; he's not that subtle) but it is factually incorrect. Vintage Dan! In case you don't know, Dan, US citizens don't need visas. Manny is a US citizen. And it was widely publicized, so it's not some artifact buried deep in the INS database that nobody can find.

Also not sure I agree with the "fair game" theory. Pointing out Jeff Stone's mental retardation definitely wasn't a byproduct of that. Every decent reporter on the planet kept that to themselves. Except Dan. I think he IS brave: it requires a certain courage to be that big of a dick! Because people like that tend to get the stuffing knocked out of them (oh, we can only dream...)

We ARE going to be seeing a lot of front-office bashing this year. I'm sure Dan probably thinks that John Henry lost millions because he didn't follow Dan's sound financial advice, the way he followed his advice to get Theo back. Maybe Dan has failed to notice (it wouldn't be the first time), but the economy hasn't been so hot for about 5 years now. John Henry isn't the only one losing millions.

I wonder if Dan realizes that with his "Daddy Dearest" fixation, he's probably inadvertently cut himself off from a great source, the ACTUAL Daddy Dearest? Epstein Senior is a real feisty piece of work. Great quotes. And I'm quite sure that Mr. Dan Shaughnessy is the last person he'd ever welcome into his home.

The "paranoia" remark is just so deliciously ironic and stupid. I'm quite sure Dan Shaughnessy is an extremely paranoid person; how else could he be so bitter and sensitive? And if Theo is paranoid, it's not like he doesn't have about 80 million fabulous reasons to be. This seems sort of like someone getting food poisoning from pumpkin pie and then being bashed when they don't like pumpkin pie any more. Ridiculous. Vintage Dan!

I put way too much time into writing about this stuff...

The Chief said...

The economy itself has been pretty strong for at least 30 months now. The thing about John Henry's fund is that it is prone to wild fluctuations. (Due to Henry's genius as a money manager, there have been way more highs than lows over the years.) Anyone who runs hedge funds knows this, and this is also a large reason why the SEC places restrictions on just who can invest in such funds.

The CHB has a history of being harder on blacks and Hispanics than on whites; witness the endless droning about Manny not running out grounders but no comments when John Valentin et al fail to do so; the endless digs at Pedro, who just happened to be the greatest Red Sox pitcher ever (yes, he was); Carl Everett gets smeared for wacky thoughts while Bill Lee gets feted; Michael Holley gets a Halberstam book that Dan admitted he didn't even read thrown in his face on a TV show; it goes on and on. Pedro leaves town for NY and more money than the Sox are willing to spend and it's "[I]t can now be said that Pedro knows only one measure of respect. And that is money. All the love and sellouts and Dominican flags and 'Keep the Faith' billboards, and championship rings…they don't offer any kind of peace or happiness for Pedro." One year later Johnny Damon leaves town for NY and more money than the Sox are willing to spend and it's the front office's fault. It's an ugly pattern.

This is not to say he doesn't harrass whites; just that I have a hard time thinking of a minority athlete that gets the benefit of the doubt.

Anonymous said...

I don't think there's any doubt that CHB is a racist. What really amused me about this joke of a column was his "ugh" at the Patriots' methods. Now THAT was funny.

morrissey mole said...

There sure is a mountain of circumstantial evidence there if one wished to call him a racist.

Not only are the majority of the people he attempts to smear minorities, but he's spent decades glossing over the fact that Larry Bird basically has a daughter he walked out on and ignored for most of her life. That's far worse than anything Pedro Martinez or Nomar have done to anyone in their personal lives for all we know. But no, CHB continues to worship White Larry and name drop him several times a month even when he has absolutely nothing to do with whatever the topic of the column is supposed to be.

morrissey mole said...

Oh, and, anyone remember the nickname CHB used to try to hang on Robert Kraft back in the mid-90s? "Amos Alonzo Kraft." Basically was completely making fun of Kraft's football knowledge. That nickname disappeared around the time Kraft built a stadium with his own money and won three Super Bowls.

Bottom line on the whining from sportswriters about the way the Patriots do business is that the Patriots make you actually, get this -- they make reporters actually do work and report. Unlike another team in town and their house organ newspaper.

Anonymous said...

"Vintage Dan! In case you don't know, Dan, US citizens don't need visas. Manny is a US citizen. And it was widely publicized, so it's not some artifact buried deep in the INS database that nobody can find."

I don't know whether this was a joke. Either way Dan is an ass. He got the facts wrong or made a another bad joke about how stupid Manny is.

The Chief said...

jenny's right: Manny is a U.S. citizen. Here's the link:

And no, Dan did not write a column about the accomplishment.

objectivebruce said...

We've reached a new level silliness with this batch -- finally the responses are even more insipid than the original posts! The Manny visa line -- it was a joke about the tendency of Manny to find silly reasons not to be where he is supposed to be, doing what he is supposed to be doing. This silly parsing of every sentence and running to the archives seems to have no point, unless the point is that you disagree with the columnist and, since none of you nitwits seem to have figured it out, getting people to talk and debate is his job.

The Chief said...

Oh, so now it was a joke. What a comedian. Dan's a regular Jerry Seinfeld.

redsock said...

Just a reminder that when he pitched -- even semi-regularly -- Babe Ruth was pretty much solid muscle.

He certainly hadn't developed the big belly he is famous for in his later Yankees years.

That doesn't change the fact that Dan is a Tool. (You should be quite busy this season.)

morrissey mole said...

Basically, when OB starts rambling generalities about silliness and hatred and blah blah blah, it means mike has nailed something about Shaughnessy so much that OB doesn't even have a comeback. Like, for example, the fact that nearly everyone CHB has seen fit to smear has been a minority.

Oh and this is something you can take to the bank: The more Globies act like bloggers are wannabes, beaneath contempt, etc., the more time they're actually spending obsessing about these sort of blogs like a bunch of squealing teenage girls. That goes all across the paper, not just sports.

The Chief said...

I don't know what "parsing" means -- isn't it used as a garnish at high-falutin restaurants? (I myself have never needed anything more upscale than Denny's.)

Manny's played more games in the past three years than any other Red Sox player. So I can sure see why OB thinks Manny "find[s] silly reasons not to be where he is supposed to be, doing what he is supposed to be doing."