Better Late Than Never

It may or may not be news to you that the World Series hasn't been terribly popular TV viewing this year, although the numbers for Game 2 showed some improvement. This general apathy may or may not explain Shank's own absence in covering the World Series.

But find a Red Sox angle to tonight's Game 3? Shank's on it!

SAN FRANCISCO — Remember Tim Hudson, Red Sox fans?

Hudson was part of a dominant pitching staff that Billy Beane assembled in Oakland in the early part of this century. Hudson averaged 17 wins per season with the A’s from 2000-03.

In the first game of the 2003 American League Division Series, Hudson won a duel with Pedro Martinez in Oakland. The A’s took a 2-0 series lead and were perched to eliminate the Cowboy Up Red Sox in swift fashion.

When the Series shifted to Boston, Hudson was involved in an altercation at a bar near Faneuil Hall. Two days later, he was Ken Macha’s starting pitching for Game 4 at Fenway and was lifted after one inning because of a muscle strain in his left side. At that time, it was the shortest outing of Hudson’s career. The Red Sox won, 5-4, and a day later, the Sox went to Oakland and won the Series in five games. It was one of four consecutive Game 5 eliminations for the Moneyball A’s.

Now that Shank's in San Francisco for the next three games, we can look forward to a few more baseball columns, that is, if 'look forward' is the right choice of words...

Shank On The World Series

After writing a few columns during the past fortnight about the American and National League championship series', Shank sits down, analyzes the strengths & weaknesses of both the Kansas City Royals and the San Francisco Giants, offers a few opinions, and puts all of that into a thoughtful, concise and timely column.

Almost had you there for a second!

Seriously, if Shank can be bothered to churn out a few columns during the championship series of both leagues, why not do a column before the series starts? If he can do the trite 'compare & contrast' type of columns like this one, why not do a similar / some sort of column on those two teams before the World Series starts? Is he on vacation? Is that too much work? Inquiring minds want to know!

Once In A Blue Moon

Today, Shank tries his hand at comedy:

Man, it’s getting angry out there in the unsocial media world. A fellow tries to write a few opinions about sports and next thing you know you’re a good-for-nothing, over-the-hill troll who’s trying to agitate faithful fans. Lately I’ve had to don a hazmat suit before booting up my laptop.

Surely you jest! For starters, I stopped buying the Boston Globe in 1995 because of this guy. This site was established nearly a decade ago. Go read any of the comments section on his columns. For Shank to pretend that this a recent phenomenon is complete bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit...

Not today, gentle readers. On this leisurely October weekend I am going to give you nothing but positivity. No sarcasm. No cynicism. No cheap shots mixed in with the bon mots. Promise. It’ll be fun. Let’s see if we can get through 1,000 words in which everything really is awesome.

The Patriots are in first place. Folks need to stop complaining and telling us what is wrong with our local football team.

Except for when it's time to pile on!

How many teeth did Shank grind to dust writing this mini-paragraph?

We should all grow up to be as powerful, stylish, and charitable as Robert Kraft. And we all secretly wish we had the brains of Jonathan Kraft.

All you need to know about how amusing this column is can be found in the next paragraph:

The Red Sox have an excellent chance to get right back into the race in the American League East next season. The East is weak and the Sox have a lot of money off the books, and we’re pretty sure general manager Ben Cherington will go get a couple of established starters this offseason. While Cherington is at work, he should take a long look at robust Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval. The Kung Fu Panda is a free agent and would look good at the hot corner at Fenway next year.

He'll be bitching about the 2015 Red Sox as soon as they hit their first three game losing streak, if not sooner.

The Celtics have that lean and hungry look and a terrific coach in Brad Stevens. They’re going to surprise a lot of folks this season.

Shank will be surprised in about a month - 'Boy, this Celtics team really sucks this year! I didn't think they were going to be this bad!'

How long until Shank reverts to form? Yes, that's a rhetorical question...

Bust(er) A Move

Shank wrote a column on Friday on San Francisco's best player, catcher Buster Posney. Two things interfered with a timely response, primarily work and, perhaps more importantly, these recent baseball columns are so damn boring and tedious. Let's hope the anticipated World Series columns breaks away from that trend.

In Defense of Small Ball

It's baseball Armageddon!

Let us count the ways:

1. Barry Bonds threw out the first pitch at an NLCS game.
2. At least one small market team will be in the World Series.
3. Neither the Red Sox nor Yankees will be in the World Series.
4. The World Series won't be watched by people who like home runs or big market teams.
5. Pitching and defense are in vogue.
6. Major league baseball players can actually, you know, catch the ball!

Today's utterly meandering column, which begins in San Francisco with Barry Bonds and ends with somewhere outside Cleveland with Indians manager Terry Francona pondering the Kansas City Royals, begs the question as to whether The CHB realizes that several years ago, Mr. Moneyball Billy Beane started investing in defense, seeing that as the undervalued asset, and that since 2012 no team has converted a ball in play into an out more often than Oakland, and the 2013 World Series Champion Red Sox were built on -- you guessed it -- pitching and defense.

No, he doesn't realize it, because he spends half the piece quoting Terry Francona on how great Kansas City's defense is, while never pointing out that KC finished just 12th overall in defense efficiency.

Guess Shank won't be watching, either.

Oh, That Shank

Our Man Shank is in San Francisco to cover the National League Championship Series and has fallen for another team.

SAN FRANCISCO — Oh, those Giants.

I mean, they are really not that good, right? They don’t have a lot of star players, they go long stretches without any kind of offense, and every other year they out-and-out stink.

But this is one of their “on” years, and the Giants did it again Tuesday, beating the St. Louis Cardinals, 5-4, in the bottom of the 10th on a walkoff sacrifice bunt/throwing error. The crushing “blow” came after a walk and a hard-fought single by the Giants’ eighth and ninth hitters.

San Francisco leads the National League Championship Series, two games to one, heading into Wednesday night’s game at AT&T Park, the best ballpark in America.

How could you desert us Red Sox Nation fans after all these years?

World Series Remembrance Falls Apart at Seams

Only The CHB could take an event as dramatic as an earthquake which interrupts the World Series just before the start of a crucial game and leaves more than 60 people dead in the San Francisco Bay area and turn it into something completely trite.

Which he does today.

Writing on the 25th anniversary of the Loma Prieta earthquake, Shank manages to reduce both the elegance of the World Series and the solemnity of a wide-scale tragedy into a pronounced heap of metaphorical slop, thanks to such phrases as "unforgiving riptide," "angry earth," and "the upper deck was ...  frozen in time." (Not to mention his self-characterization of trying to get his work done before being escorted from Candlestick Park: he "typed feverishly." Ugh.) He simultaneously manages to depersonalize the significant while inflating his own role in the proceedings, describing how he sneaked back to the press room to grab his jacket.

Let's hope The CHB spends the next 25 years learning to compose better prose. And growing a heart.

Changeup

A day after telling Red Sox Nation they should be rooting for the Baltimore Orioles, Shank notices what's actually happening on the field.

BALTIMORE — They are the hardball heroes of the Heartland, anonymous to sports fans everywhere else in America. They are Nielsen-killers, lacking both star power and home run power. And at this moment they are a star-kissed juggernaut, threatening to literally run away with the American League pennant and maybe even the World Series.

Meet the Kansas City Royals, the mystery guests and (thus far) dominators of the 2014 Major League Baseball tournament.

This column feels like a mailed-in one - cheap alliteration, a Springsteen reference, and a Cheers reference. That's original...

Overused Formula

Now that the baseball playoffs have entered the league championship stage, Shank takes a break from pretending he likes the Boston Bruins to tell you why you, the Boston Red Sox fan, should be rooting for the Baltimore Orioles.

Say what?

BALTIMORE — You are a citizen of Red Sox Nation, still basking in the glow of last year’s unexpected October magic, but you are having a little trouble getting into an ALCS with no Red Sox, Yankees, Angels, or Tigers.

This year it’s the Orioles and the Royals — pennant-starved franchises that have lost more games in this century than any other American League teams. The emerging stars of this ALCS are guys named Eric Hosmer and Zach Britton, and the key players could be the long relievers. Not very sexy. You might even have trouble finding the games on your cable system.

Take heart, Sox fans. The Orioles are your hardball cousins, and I am here to tell you why it matters that Baltimore is back in baseball’s Final Four Showcase. You’d do well to adopt the Orioles for the next three weeks. The “modern day” Orioles joined the American League 60 years ago and have played an enormous role in Red Sox history over the last seven decades.

As Mike noted from the Sunday column, Shank has a formula that's lazy and trite - throw out a bunch of names and take it from there. In this case, mention how they're connected to one another and cite the relevant history between the teams (and one of them graduated from Holy Cross!)

There's just one problem with this column - in the discussion of the 'interaction' of these two franchises, Shank takes great pains to avoid the singular reason it doesn't mean a damn thing - they're rival teams!

If Shank's now 'rooting for' the Orioles, you know who we're rooting for!

A Sour Spectacle

Yes, that really was the (alleged) top sports columnist for the Boston Globe referencing the Lego Movie theme song in the lede of his piece today.

That nod to a ditty so mindlessly craptacular is surprisingly apropos, and about all you need to know about today's hatefest, a patented CHB special that takes shotgun-style aim at the Bruins, Red Sox, sports fans, Celtics and Patriots. Oh, and Hank Finkel too.

Sample flame: "The embarrassing, ill-prepared 2014 Red Sox were never taken to task this year. Boston fans soaked up NESN happy talk, paid the highest prices in baseball, sang “Sweet Caroline,” and enjoyed watching “the kids” finish in last place. After all, those lovable, cuddly Sox won the World Series in 2013. They won three in 10 years. So there’s no need for accountability anymore."

All this in a column about Bruins' opening night, mind you.

Keep in mind The CHB was all praises for the Red Sox in spring training, and his chief complaint about the Patriots and Bruins is that they have been too good for too long.

Look around, Mr. Historian: No one always wins in the current era of team sports. Three Super Bowls in four years, or three World Series crowns in 10 years, is today's gold standard, and if you can't at least appreciate that, I have some puppies, a bag and a map to the river. Knock yourself out.

By the way, the Bruins won the game. And never was heard an encouraging word.

Trying To Have It Both Ways Again

Dan Shaughnessy, the columnist who vowed not to judge the Patriots until the playoffs, now feigns praise on the team after their beatdown of the Bengals on Sunday night.

Your New England Patriots completed a rare NFL doubleheader sweep Sunday night on national television.

Game 1: Patriots 43, Bengals 17.

Game 2: Patriots 73, Media 0.

Crafty righthanded veteran Bill Belichick was credited with the win in both games. It was a performance worthy of Iron Man Joe McGinnity, who three times won doubleheaders all by himself in August of 1903.

The Patriots’ Game 1 victory was impressive. Reeling from a week of discord, rumor, and innuendo in the wake of a nationally televised beatdown at the hands of the Kansas City Chiefs, the Patriots thrashed the undefeated Bengals for a full 60 minutes.

I wonder if there was a Globe columnist involved in that week of discord, rumor and innuendo?

What's amusing about this piece of work is the fact Shank took a dump on the team last week, but somehow fails to mention, allude to and / or own up to this pertinent fact anywhere in the article:

But the beatdown of the media was even more impressive. Exploiting the “us against the world” approach, Belichick successfully debunked all the nasty stories about his team, then smirked and pretended he hadn’t heard any of the noise.

Q: How needed was this win . . .?

A: I don’t know. It was the next game. It was good to win.

Q: Was this a satisfying victory given all the criticism and questions that were asked this week about the team?

A: Criticism from who?

Q: The media. People in this room. The fans.

A: With all due respect, I mean really. Look, we have a job to do. We’re focused on doing that job. We’re not going to sit around and listen to what everybody else says . . .

Perfect. You know that deep down he wants to jab his finger toward his interrogators and say, “You’re damn right I ordered the Code Red!’’ but he’s too smart and he’s always on message and he’s never going to give his critics the satisfaction of knowing that he listens to them.

And if that wasn't enough, here's Shank putting words into Belichick's mouth:

And there it was. The game unfolded like so many others over the last 15 years. Full fury in Foxborough. Belichick was master of the universe. Brady was the Brady of 2007. Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth gushed about the Patriot Way and how New England overcame so much adversity during the week.

And then Bill told us how proud he was of his team and refused to admit that this was one of the most satisfying nights of his Hall of Fame career.

So we have to say it for him. Sunday night in Foxborough was one of the most satisfying nights of Belichick’s career. The Bengals were beaten. The nattering nabobs of negativism were destroyed.

It's pretty disingenuous for Shank to pretend that Belichick's flipping the bird to the media and not to him first and foremost, isn't it?

Confusion over Winning Teams Throws Him for a Loss

Dan's at his worst -- and this is saying something -- when he falls back on his formula of comparing whichever team is that day's subject to the other Boston (or as he prefers "Hub") franchises.

Today's subject is the Bruins, so naturally we get a rundown of all the reasons (read: players) why the B's will be the guys to root for in 2014-15. There's no actual analysis, mind you; just a listing of the "name" players and management and a few shots at the other area teams, all of which is irrelevant because the Bruins don't, you know, actually play the Celtics or Red Sox or Patriots..

There's a moment in every Shank column where his prose makes the leap from vapid to plain goofy. Here's today's:

A Boston team that underachieves is generally condemned to a lifetime of abuse around here. Ask the 2011 Red Sox. Or the ’78 Sox. Or the 1970-71 Bruins. Those were powerhouses that folded at the finish. And they paid the price.

Does anyone mention the '78 Sox anymore? Or even 2011? Like Jim Beam at The Fours, World Series rings have a tendency to take the edge off. And who in the hell cares about the '70-71 Bruins? Talk about showing your age.

A complaint about a lack of winning local teams also falls on deaf ears. The Red Sox are not even a year away from a World Series Championship. The Patriots have made 10 playoffs in a row (the NFL's longest active streak) and are one year removed from the AFC Championship game.

Look closely, friends: This is what out of touch is.

He Came To Bury Them

Come on, you knew this was just a matter of time, didn't you?

Dan Shaughnessy, the columnist who vowed not to judge the Patriots until the playoffs, jumps off the bandwagon with the Patriots 41-14 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs.

Is there any doubt a) Shank's been dying to write this very column for months and b) Shank should be using a lot more personal pronouns in the beginning paragraphs?

Time to pile on the reeling Patriots

So here you go.

The Patriots are free-falling and it’s open season on the arrogant/smarter-than-you “System.” Folks are I am lining up to skewer the franchise that has consistently given me the NFL and the national/local media the finger during a decade and a half of division dominance and Super Bowl contention.

Listening to the postgame fallout from Monday night’s 41-14 Arrowhead massacre made your ears bleed. It was a field day for me Patriot haters. And they are legion.

And one of them is right here!

One Final Time

Shank churns out one last Derek Jeter column. Why bother sampling from the story when you've already read it twice?

Waving Goodbye - II

Shank gets another column out of the Derek Jeter Retirement Tour.

It’s the same ballpark where Babe Ruth played his rookie season in 1914. It’s the same hardball theater where Ted Williams homered on his final big league swing, Sept. 28, 1960. It’s where Mickey Mantle made his last out on the same date in 1968.

And on Sunday, it’s where Derek Sanderson Jeter will finish a 20-year major league career that defined a game and an era.

Will Shank go 3 for 3 with yet another Derek Jeter retirement column tomorrow? Stay tuned!

Waving Goodbye

As the season winds down for the 2014 Boston Red Sox, as well as Derek Jeter's career, Shank devotes today's column to the retiring Yankees shortstop. Sort of!

Tongue firmly in cheek and dripping with sarcasm, Shank uses the first few paragraphs to take his patented dump on the Olde Town Team:

Welcome to Jeter-palooza. Hub Fans Bid Jetes Adieu. Three final sellouts and more eyeballs diverted from the train wreck of the 2014 Red Sox.

The Red Sox are truly blessed. They’ve managed to finish in last place in two of the last three seasons, but everybody’s still having a swell time singing “Sweet Caroline’’ before the home half of the eighth.

Nobody’s mad at the Local Nine. After all, they’ve won the World Series three times in 10 years and they won it last year and they’re going to bring Jon Lester back (OK, I made that one up) and everybody is happy just to enjoy another day in America’s most beloved ballpark.

Fenway fans don’t mind paying the highest prices in baseball to watch the Pawtucket Red Sox stagger across the finish line in the basement of the once-proud American League East. Now, thanks to Derek Jeter, the ready-for-golf Red Sox and Yankees are the feature game on Fox today, and seats behind the Yankee dugout Sunday are fetching something north of $20,000.

The rest of the column is in fact devoted to Jeter, and the obligatory comparison to Ted Williams is made.

And in case you needed to be reminded about the Red Sox' performance in recent years, Mr. Sunshine drives the point home to wrap things up:

The Red Sox, meanwhile, continue to enjoy the widespread notion that they are a perennial contender. They are not. Since losing the 2008 ALCS to Tampa in 2008, the Sox have won a playoff game in only one of six Octobers. They have not made the playoffs in four of the last five years. Since Sept. 1, 2011, they are an aggregate 24 games under .500.

But never mind all that. Pay no attention to those AL East standings on the Green Monster. The sun is shining and Derek Jeter is here to say goodbye. It’s going to be a great baseball weekend.

Tank Job

As the NFL hires outside counsel to investigate the Ray Rice matter, Shank is not impressed with the man chosen for the job.

The NFL continues to reel in the wake of its domestic violence scandal, and the league wants to assure you that the truth will come out when former FBI director Robert Mueller completes his review of the conduct of the league and its leader in the days, weeks, and months after Ray Rice punched his fiancée in an elevator in Atlantic City Feb. 15.

It’s certainly possible that we’ll get true disclosure in the Mueller Report. Commissioner-under-siege Roger Goodell pledged that Mueller will have “the full cooperation of NFL personnel and access to all NFL records.’’

Swell. But this investigation is already compromised and will remain compromised because, despite Mueller’s long and impressive career, his position as a partner at the WilmerHale law firm demonstrates an enormous conflict of interest regarding any investigation involving the NFL.

Interesting column - how often do we say that around here?

Venting His Spleen

Shank ought to consider changing his picked up pieces columns to the above suggested title. Reverting back to his trademark sniping, nitpicking, self-righteousness and petty vindictiveness, with the occasional positive / nice thing to say about something designed as countermeasures or to drive you crazy, behold his utter disdain for the New England Patriots, whom he promised not to judge a mere fortnight ago:

Picked-up pieces while reading the small print of the NFL’s exempt/commissioner’s permission list, a.k.a. “Double Secret Probation.’’

■ Anybody seen Roger Goodell? Anybody?

■ Those are not booster seats or phone books, folks. Along with the shoulder pads, helmets, and cleats, Bob and Jonathan Kraft’s high chairs are officially part of the Patriots’ traveling entourage.
...
■ Kudos to Eli Manning for standing up and saying something about the scandal-ridden NFL: “We can’t accept that as players, we can’t accept that from our teammates and around the league. Hopefully . . . the NFL can learn from this, and we can go on and start getting back to football . . . We don’t like when the NFL gets a black eye on anything.’’ That’s a lot better than the Jordanesque/Tigeresque “there’s nothing I can do to make a difference” we got from Tom Brady when he was asked about it on WEEI.

As though starting quarterbacks should be the primary spokesman for the team's players and not share Shank's concern on these issues... that started approximately one week ago.

My outrage meter goes to 11!

■ It was cowardly of the NCAA to announce that Penn State’s bowl ban has been lifted in the middle of Ray Rice Week. It was classic “let’s do this while no one is looking,’’ but rest assured, we will have time to slam the shameless NCAA at a later date.

How long should current Penn State players pay for the sins of their forbearers? Any suggestions?

■ Speaking of shameless, Kentucky coach John Calipari has basically come out and admitted that his “college” team is nothing more than a soft landing spot for AAU warriors and their bag men en route to the National Basketball Association. According to Yahoo, Cal will host an invitation-only two-day scouting combine at Kentucky Oct. 11-12. It doubles as a one-time look for NBA scouts and a nifty recruiting tool for Cal.

This wasn't obvious a year or two after he took the job? He's shocked, I tells ya!

Passive / aggressive Shank, anyone?

■ Bill Belichick’s genius is reinforced when we watch Matt Cassel against the Patriots. The Patriots went 11-5 with Cassel as their quarterback in 2008.
...
■ How did Avery Bradley get that contract?

Because Danny Ainge is a better assessor of NBA talent than certain Globe sports columnists?

Indignation And Outrage!

With the recent domestic abuse problems of four NFL players (Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Grag Hardy and Ray McDonald), Shank joins the vast chorus of self-righteous media harpies, politicians and sundry others in hysterically overreacting to the issue and mounts his Shetland pony high horse to express his feelings about the current state of affairs in the NFL. Throw in a few tangential issues, and we have the classic Shank moral outrage column.

We have outrage. We have heightened awareness. We have thousands of hours of programming, debating who should be allowed to play football this Sunday, and whether Roger Goodell is fit to be commissioner of the National Football League.

Magazine covers and newspaper headlines expose and condemn the criminality of ballplayers while the league itself acknowledges that playing football causes brain damage in nearly a third of the pro players. And social media, of course, never sleeps, providing an endless forum on the awfulness of it all.

Did you know the NFL involves a lot of money? Those greedy bastards! Shank's here to helpfully remind you of that:

On Tuesday, we had mighty Anheuser-Busch (halfway through a six-year, $1.2 billion deal with the NFL) firing a veiled threat at The Shield.
...
Meanwhile, the overstuffed NFL owners keep getting richer,
...
Until the beer barons and their friends withdraw sponsorship...
...
The NFL is a $9 billion industry and Goodell has pledged to his owners that he will make it a $25 billion industry. Think Bob Kraft or Daniel Snyder or Jerry Jones wants to mess with this game plan? Think again.

Nothing like appealing to the base emotions of greed, jealously and resentment to whip up the outrageous outrage, is there?

And what's a Shank NFL column without a shot at Patriots owner Bob Kraft?

Think Kraft is going to take a stand and talk about the sins of the NFL? Think again. According to Forbes, the Patriots are worth $2.6 billion and appreciated by 44 percent since last year — which is the same year in which Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder, shortly after the Patriots signed him to a $40 million extension.

At least he gets one thing right:

It goes on everywhere. It is a societal problem, not just an NFL problem.

Which is precisely why the self-righteous media harpies and the rest of the lynch mob (like this asshole) might want to take a step back in piling on the NFL like this problem is the sole purview of the NFL and will be resolved by kicking the players out of the league and shitcanning Roger Goodell. I'm not holding my breath on that one...

Still Gasping

Not one to pile on the hyperbole, we get this beauty from Shank in today's column:

MINNEAPOLIS — Kickoff could not come fast enough.

The worst week in the history of the National Football League finally came to a close Sunday when more of the suspended and the suspected were ruled out of games and finally America had football again. And everything went on the way it always does.

If you conveniently ignore the weeks of the JFK assassination, Ray Lewis accused of murder, 9/11, Rae Carruth being convicted of murder, Aaron Hernandez accused of murder and Jovan Belcher killing his girlfriend, then himself, I suppose he's right...

Last Gasps of a Dying Columnist

In true Shank style, The CHB today sets up the pins of false equivalency, then smashes them down.

Does Tom Brady suck? After all, he had a bad game last week. Ergo, Patriots fans must be throwing in the towel on his career, right?

Sure, if you are Fair Weather Shaughnessy, who assumes that everyone else either a) does or b) should treat the last game/play/breath as the most significant and telling of a person's career/life/the universe.

So naturally Shankster compares Brady's last game to the last gasps of Willie Mays, Johnny Unitas and Larry Bird (Larry Bird Watch!).

Mays, of course, was 42 in his final season, Unitas 40 (Brady just turned 37). When he was 37, Mays had an OPS of .860 and finished 13th in the MVP vote. The Unitas-backed Colts were 10-2-1 when Johnny U was 37. Larry Legend, the outlier, retired at 35, four years after major surgery to correct chronic back problems. (And he averaged 20.2 points per game in that final year, including a 49-point outburst near season end.) In his case, it was injuries, not a loss of talent, that felled him.

Also keep in mind that after the first two games last season, Brady had completed 52% of his passes (he's at 51.8% right now) and had a passer rating under 75. (At season's end, Brady had passed for 4,300 yards and had a completion percentage of 61%.) Well, you should keep it in mind, anyway, because The CHB does not.


Favorite word watch alert: Arrogant, as in, the trade of Logan Mankins was "arrogant." Right.

Shank On Roger Gooddell

Looks like Shank's back to his old self:

Roger Goodell and NFL owe us some straight answers

The NFL is now in full-blown Watergate cover-up mode, and commissioner Roger Goodell is a modern-day Richard Nixon.

Does Goodell resign, raise his arms in a Nixonian victory salute, and flee in a helicopter from the rooftop of NFL headquarters in Manhattan? Or are we perhaps overreacting?

The Ray Rice Domestic Violence Scandal changes every hour, and it’s increasingly possible that it might be unsurvivable for the mighty commissioner of our most popular league.

Goodell is either lying or he is incompetent and has lost control of his office. Neither is acceptable for the NFL boss who was paid $44 million last year.

Shank On Ray Rice

Instead of crapping on the Patriots yesterday, today we get a column about Ray Rice, formerly of the Baltimore Ravens.

Things moved quickly on NFL Monday.

At 4 a.m., TMZ released video showing Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice delivering a left cross to the face of his then-fiancée, Janay Palmer, in an Atlantic City casino elevator back on Feb. 15. Palmer was knocked out cold.

Reaction was predictable. Social media exploded and there were calls for Rice to be banished from the NFL. There were also suggestions that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell be fired if he had seen this video before handing out his hideous two-game suspension.

At 10:08 a.m., the NFL issued a statement in which it contended that the video was not available to the league when Goodell delivered his wrist-slap to Rice.

At 2:18 p.m., the Ravens announced that Rice had been released.

I was expecting a bit more self-righteousness from this column. I'm sure it will show up again eventually...

Misleading Headline

Do you think Shank is using the royal 'we', or is he trying to leave the impression that he's talking about everyone else?

We just can’t judge Patriots until January

Even his nicknames are old and dated (besides being stupid and unfunny):

Geno Smith. Ryan Tannehill. EJ Manuel.

And Tom Brady.

These are the starting quarterbacks in the AFC East, which henceforth shall be known as the Andy Warhol (Tomato Can) Division.

Because Andy Warhol used to make paintings of tomato cans and called it art! I get it!

He then proceeds to bore the hell out of the reader by stating the obvious for nearly every New England Patriots fan. He saves the truly majestic bullshit for the grand finale:

This is why I am waiting for January with this team. We know it’s going to be a fun and easy four months as the Patriots crush hapless division foes and the Mr. Softee NFC North.

Does anyone in their right mind think that Shank will refrain from any level of criticism with a Patriots loss? Or do you think he'll then use a weak cop-out like 'that's not what I wrote' when he gets called on it? No reason it can't be both!

Cooking Up A Blame Pie

Is Shank going soft on the 2014 Red Sox? Where's the vitriol, or does that only apply to ownership and Larry Lucchino upper management?

NEW YORK — Before Wednesday night’s nationally televised Red Sox-Yankees game, John Farrell, manager of the last-place Red Sox, was reminded that the game would determine if he had a winning or a losing record. Despite winning a World Series in Boston in 2013, Farrell’s four-year record as a big league manager was 312 wins and 312 losses.

Smiling at the mention of his symmetrical won-lost record, Farrell asked, “Is that good, bad, or indifferent? It means maybe I don’t have any impact at all.’’

He was kidding, folks. Farrell knows he has a large impact on the fortunes of his ballclub. And like all of you, he knows that 2013 was fantastic and that 2014 is a disaster. Though it’s widely held that the affable manager of the local nine has gotten a free pass in this worst-to-first-to-worst season, Farrell is eating his share of the blame pie.

More like Shank's gently shoving it down his throat.

I get the impression that Shank's using kid gloves in this (and other Farrell) interviews as an angle to co-write another book with a former Red Sox manager when Farrell eventually steps down.

Interview with Yankee Captain Leaves CHB Feeling 'Jeted'

Besides being a future Hall of Famer and best-in-class skirt-chaser, Derek Jeter is apparently smart.

Well, smart enough, anyway, to get the best of The CHB, who tries to goad him into saying he might blow off his career-ending series in Boston. (Although most would agree that it doesn't require much gray matter to outsmart Dan Shaughnessy.)

In a piece that's as much about Ted Williams as the Yankee Captain, Jeter deftly parries Shank's weak attempts to get him to say he might not make the trip: "I don’t know what Ted’s situation was and I didn’t know him well enough to comment on it. Don’t dissect this. It’s not complicated. Don’t complicate things for yourself." As if.

Even better, Jeter gets in a shot of his own, pointing out that The CHB had the chance to ask The Kid whether he planned along to skip his final series (aptly enough, in New York), forcing Shaughnessy to admit that he wussed out. Classic.

Dan Lombardi

Have you always wanted to build your own New England Patriots football roster? Are you willing to endure a brief critique of your roster by the noted football guru, Shank Shaughnessy? Then click here, build your own roster and sit through Shank's pearls of wisdom, for a limited time only!

The CHB 'Breaks' Down

What in the ... ?

Leave it to Roger Clemens to negate the Scrooge that is The CHB. The result: A piece on the pitfalls of fame.

• I can’t imagine what it’s like to be David Ortiz, Pedro Martinez, or Larry Bird. You can’t possibly stop and accommodate everyone.
• How would you like to be forever defined by your worst moment?
• I find some of it wildly unfair. 

The CHB complaining about bad press? Get real. This is the guy who takes credit for running Nomar Garciaparra out of town. And who tried to run Jim Rice out of town. And Curt Schilling. And Theo Epstein. And Carl Everett. Oh, and Roger Clemens too!

This is the guy who can't write "Dan Duquette" without mentioning "twilight of his career," who called David Ortiz a "sad sack of you-know-what," who mocks any athlete who denies having used PEDs, who complains bitterly when Bill Belichick ignores him.

Is The CHB succumbing to the pressure of being the best-known misanthrope in a small town?

P.S. A Larry Bird sighting!

And Now, Batting For #21, Roger Clemens...

I agree with my blog mate's assessment of Shank's recent softball interview with Roger Clemens, but I believe there's an additional reason Shank's going easy on Clemens the past few years (sharply contrasted with many previous attacks on Clemens, acknowledged by Shank himself here in the second paragraph):

Let me tell you the story of Clementine.

Clementine is a 6-foot-tall white teddy bear that sits in a shed behind my house. Clementine is 16 years old and a little worn around the edges. The big bear is dirty, moth-ridden, and has duct tape covering holes where stuffing would come out.

Clementine came to our house in a giant cardboard box delivered in a UPS truck in the winter of 1993-94. When the driver and I discovered that the return address was “Katy, Texas,’’ we checked to see if the thing was ticking. Roger Clemens was no friend of mine, and I was concerned the box might contain a Trojan Horse or some other mayhem maker.

No. It contained a get-well gift for 8-year-old Kate Shaughnessy, who’d just been diagnosed with leukemia. There was an autographed baseball from Clemens and the big white bear. Kate smiled and named him/her Clementine. And Clementine stayed in her room until she graduated from college.

It's pretty clear that Clemens knows how to work the media, or at least certain members of the media.

This column is Shank paraphrasing John Kerry - "I was against Roger Clemens, before I was for him!"

Failure to Launch

The CHB is a coward. There it is.

This is the guy who, from the safety of a keyboard, has the audacity to say Mike Piazza and Jeff Bagwell must have used PEDs, despite no evidence of the same.

But given the opportunity to confront another potential Hall of Famer, one whose ex dealer and a close teammate both fingered as a user, Shank pulls his punches.

Instead, he asks Roger Clemens whether he feels slighted for not being elected to the Hall. Coward. And when relating the meeting, The CHB even resorts to the third person -- "Folks think he's dirty" and "He cannot break free of the accusations and perception that he cheated" -- rather than taking a position himself. Coward.

Shank also repeatedly reminds readers of Dan Duquette's parting shot at Rocket Roger when he left for free agency ("twilight of his career"), then proceeds to list off all Clemens' post Red Sox accomplishments. But since he cheated (right?), and since steroids enhance performance (right?), doesn't that mean Duquette was ... right?

DHL Dan - XXXVI

Coming back from a mini-vacation, Shank treats us to a picked up pieces column, abandoning any chance of his daughter getting another cushy job or internship from Red Sox chairman Tom Werner:

Picked-up pieces while following Jon Lester to Oakland and John Lackey to St. Louis:

■ Tom Werner for commissioner? Please. The Red Sox “chairman” is a nice guy, but he ran the Padres into the ground 20 years ago and nobody ever has been quite sure what he does for the Red Sox, even as John Henry and Larry Lucchino have spent too much precious time trying to make sure folks know he has done a lot.

We have an interesting observation on Patriots coach Bill Belichick:

■ If history holds, look for Bill Belichick to pick the pockets of the Washington Redskins and Philadelphia Eagles soon. Just ask fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Belichick butters up his opponents by letting them into the circle of trust with “joint” practices, then he kicks their butts in real games and acquires their disgruntled and/or underappreciated top talents such as Darrelle Revis, Aqib Talib, and LeGarrette Blount. It’s foolproof.

And we have another attempt by Shank to rewrite history / lie through his teeth with respect to former Red Sox outfielder Carl Crawford:

■ Carl Crawford needs to just shut up about Boston. He was treated with kid gloves here the whole time. His failure with the Sox was his own underachievement. Nothing more. And now he’s the highest-paid fourth outfielder in the game.

Readers may wish to peruse this brief compilation of Shank treating Carl Crawford with brass knuckles kid gloves.

Commissioner Column is Low-Brow Comedy

Tom Werner has had plenty of hits (and made plenty of money) in his TV days on shows with stale jokes, so it is fitting that in response to Werner's interview for baseball commissioner The CHB submits a piece full of unfunny one-liners.

Shaughnessy doesn't think Werner has a shot -- surprise! -- which seems awfully strange given that the last time the owners are (unwillingly) replacing one of their own (Bud Selig) and seem distrustful of outsiders, given the self-inflicted debacle they created during ex commissioner Fay Vincent's reign.

While Selig lackey Rob Manfred appears to be the frontrunner, White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf is hugely influential and, per many observers, is not yet sold on the MLB lawyer's candidacy, which is notable given Reinsdorf led the charge to oust Vincent.

Indeed, Shank's column resembles Jon Heyman's, and given it comes two days after the CBS sportwriter's, one has to wonder whether The CHB has followed a long Globe tradition and started borrowing other's work.

And yes, he ends with yet another complaint about Jon Lester's departure. (Were they dating or something) Why let that lie?

Waxing Nostalgic

Shank joins the Red Sox road trip, who are in St. Louis to play the Cardinals for a three game series. He runs into John Lackey and attempts to make a negative story out of it.

ST. LOUIS — You could feel the bitterness. Dare we say, hatred?

In his first interview with Hub reporters since he was traded by the Red Sox last Thursday, John Lackey reluctantly submitted to questions from New England sports media in the Cardinals dugout late Tuesday afternoon. I haven’t felt this kind of loathing since walking into the Adrian Gonzalez/Josh Beckett/Carl Crawford charm-fest in Dodger Stadium last summer.

Sorry, but it’s not just media meanies. Lackey’s got a problem with Boston baseball. Why else would he admit he’s OK pitching for the Cardinals for a contractually-agreed-upon $500,000 next season, but not for the Red Sox.

Now let's look at what Lackey actually said:

How did he feel when he heard about the trade?

“Pretty excited, actually,’’ said Lackey. “I wasn’t really surprised. Honestly, this is a good place for me to be. I was pretty happy with where it happened. I’m happy with what happened.’’

He said winning a ring is the only reason he’s still playing. It pleases him to be in position to do this with the Cardinals.

Were there any conversations with the Red Sox regarding extending his minimum major league wage deal for next season?

“No,’’ he said. “Not really. We didn’t get that far ahead.’’

Asked if his new happiness is a direct result of being out of Boston, he countered with, “Absolutely not. I have some great friends on that team that I left. We had a great year last year. It was a ton of fun with those guys. It’s just part of the game.’’

Just a little different, no? Lackey continues on in that vein, and concludes the interview with a Captain Obvious statement:

Lackey grew uncomfortable when he was pressed on his unwillingness to give the Red Sox the guarantee he’s giving the Cardinals.

“You guys are trying to stir stuff up.’’

And.... scene!

You Could See His Point (if First He'd Remove His Hat)

Give The CHB credit: When he wants to make a point, no matter how trite, he can top the naggiest of housewives.

John Henry won't pay $140 million for a player over the age of 30. That's his point. Actually, that doesn't sound like such a bad thing.

But The CHB has a bone and he ain't giving it up.

Just he like said on July 31. And on July 30. And on July 24 (in a column on soccer, no less). And on July 20. And on July 15. And July 11.

All in all, in the eight of Shank's past nine columns have been bitches about Red Sox ownership and money.

And he accuses Red Sox ownership of tunnel vision. By those standards, Shank does his work in a catheter.

He's Green with Envy

The CHB can't figure out the Red Sox.

I know, I know...that's funny and all given that he never could.

But in the wake of the Jon Lester and John Lackey trades, he's trying to understand what the Sox are planning for 2015.

How's this: To do better than in 2014.

Oh, and what bothers him is the money: "The one conclusion we can draw from all this is that the Sox are intent on not overpaying older players," he writes. "No more long-term deals."

That's a dumb conclusion.

For what John Henry et al have been saying is that there are huge downsides to doing such deals. That does not, however, mean they won't 1) sign players to long-term deals or 2) sign older players. But it does mean that being cautious is the coin (get it?) of the realm.

And given the outcomes of the past couple decades, is that a bad thing? In other words, how would you like to be New York right now, paying A-Rod (age 39) and CC Sabathia (33) a combined $28 million this year* -- for a total of eight games played.

The Red Sox might be a large market team -- but they aren't that large.

So "Kansas City on the Charles," Shank? I think not. When was the last time KC won three World Series in 10 years?


*Assuming they pay A-Rod the $3 million owed outside of his suspension.

Dreamed Up Drama

The CHB is stuck. Stuck on the Red Sox. Stuck on John Henry. Stuck on the ownership's "arrogance." And most of all, he's stuck on the fans, whom he is decrying -- for the third time in nine days -- for showing up for sporting events on nice summer days.

OK, we get it: The CHB don't get stats. He somehow thinks Boston should pay $140 million or so to get a pitcher who would have to defy 110-plus years of baseball truisms and pitch better in the next decade than he did in the previous one in order to justify that payday. And, of course, should Lester inevitably fail to live up to that contract, Shaughnessy will be the first to jump all over him (and the fools who trusted him with that kind of coin).

And yes, we get it: The CHB don't get entertainment. He obviously never goes to blockbuster movies, the ones where you know how they will end before you step foot in the place and yet willingly overpay for an uncomfortable seat and stale popcorn in exchange for the right to be entertained for two or three hours.

In Shank's eyes, John Henry deserves neither respect nor patience. After all, three World Series crowns are nothing compared to the clear and obvious scheme the "carpetbagger" owners dreamed up to trick Red Sox fans out of their hard-earned money!

If The CHB ever actually talked to a fan, he would know we think Fenway is an outdated piece of crap, that the ticket prices are high (but not nearly as bad as the food prices, given its awfulness), and the parking is nonexistent. But we also know that 1) the Red Sox are entertainment, and even on the worst days nothing beats the old ballpark and 2) the management, unlike Shaughnessy, shows up every day and puts in its best effort. And that's worth something.

Oh, and there's those three World Series rings. ... How many has Shaughnessy won again?

The Loud Curmudgeon

John Henry takes a shot at one of his own employees -- yep, The CHB himself -- in none other than the Boston Herald today:

“I don’t have a message because the way you play and results are what count,” Henry said. “Fans continue to sell out Fenway. They’ve suffered through some really bad games this year, but they continue to show up and the mood at the park among the fans is very positive when I walk through the stands. Before Tom, Larry and I arrived I believe fans had less patience.

“A loud curmudgeon I know accuses them of being soft, bad fans — but anyone paying attention knows the mood has changed at Fenway over the years. People expect good things from the Sox and really love being at Fenway. This team accomplished something very special last year therefore the fans aren’t about to not give them the benefit of the doubt.”

Once again, the hedge fund manager finds a way to articulate -- accurately, no less -- that which the guy with 40 years' experience writing could not.

His Column on Who's 'Best' is Like a Pile of No. 2

Years ago, I offered up my hypothesis of how The CHB prepares a column: He listens to talk radio for four or five hours, writes down the best lines, then builds a piece around that, with the central position to be 1) whatever is opposite of what the group-think is or 2) to hone in on (and attempt to bully) anyone who might possibly know more about sports than he does (which, of course, could be just about everyone).

And in today's piece, Shank confirms my observation. He writes: "If you were driving your car and somebody flipped on the radio and you heard people debating the merits of Carl Yastrzemski and David Ortiz, regarding their relative contributions to the Red Sox, how would you feel?"

Now, understand that the question was posed to Yaz himself. But also understand that this is exactly the conversation (if we can call the perpetually hyperventilating Tony Massarotti capable of such a thing) that took place on Felger and Mazz last week. So thank you, CHB, for being so transparent and predictable.

As for the answer, The CHB just as predictably gets it all wrong. Yaz had a lifetime OPS+ of 130 and a lifetime WAR of 78.2. A terrific leftfielder the earlier part of his career, he was actually five games worse than replacement level from 1969 on. Big Papi's career OPS+ is 139. But as to who is/was the better player? There's no question. Ortiz's career offensive WAR (47.2) is one-third offset by a negative defensive WAR of -18.6. Papi is roughly the same player as Jim Rice. This if it's a race between Papi and Yaz, it's Yaz, hands down. But if we are to include all previous Red Sox players, Jimmie Foxx and Manny Ramirez would come take the No. 2 and 3 slots, with the stunningly underrated Wade Boggs in the mix for the top five as well. A wiser columnist would have known this.

Shank On 98.5 The Sports Hub

Just wanted to note that Shank was filling in for Michael Felger on the Felger / Mazz afternoon show this week. I listened for a few minutes yesterday and today, but since I was driving, I turned it off after a few minutes because I couldn't risk falling asleep while behind the wheel...

Black and White and Dumb All Over

It was an unusual night -- two international soccer teams squaring off at Fenway Park -- but The CHB gives it his usual treatment. To wit:

1. Mock soccer
2. Mock John Henry
3. Mock Red Sox
4. Offer off-topic history lesson in which the Boston Patriots, Carl Yastrzemski and Gino Cappelletti are mentioned
5. Mock Dr. Charles Steinberg

But the point, which Shank writes yet somehow misses, is captured in this line: "This was not a baseball crossover crowd."

Henry, upon buying the Red Sox, was asked about the fate of Fenway. He immediately recognized the possibilities in generating greater revenue from the park without necessarily having to increase the costs for baseball fans. Concerts, Bruins games, fan tours and other such sidelights are generating significant monies, which should be appreciated, not mocked, because they permit his investors to pay for the Sox from Sox monies only, not underwrite the cost of capital improvements by diverting cash from the baseball operations.

Instead, The CHB only seems to care about the (low) score, forgetting -- for a night -- how much he appreciates such baseball treasures as complete game shutouts and no-hitters.

DHL Dan - XXXV

Is Shank getting ready for retirement, or does he have an understanding with John Henry? It seems like he's hitting ownership pretty hard in the opening full paragraph:

At this hour, your Boston Red Sox enjoy a friendlier environment than almost any of the 30 teams in baseball. The Sox have a chance to finish in last place for the second time in three years, win a playoff game in only one of six seasons, and still be perceived by their fans as “perennial contenders.’’ The Sox can play nine games under .500 for the first 95 games and still have a Nation of believers thinking they can win the division, or compete for the phony second wild card. Sox owners can pare payroll ($72.5 million scheduled to come off the books for next year), stay well below the coveted luxury tax threshold, and listen to regional applause while fans pay the highest ticket prices in baseball. The Sox can get folks to buy into the notion that it’s foolish to compete in the open market for the services of their best pitcher. Sox tickets and merchandise are hotter than they were at this time last summer and Pat Moscaritolo, president of a Boston tourist group, says, “For the past 10 years that I’ve been tracking visitor spending and the economic impact of the Red Sox, it’s almost unaffected by the team’s performance.’’

The rest of the column is the typical picked up pieces fare; semi-interesting tidbits and enough stupidity (74 year old Joe Torre a 'terrific choice' for baseball commissioner?) to make you want to line your birdcage with it.

UPDATE, 7/21/2014 at 6:20 PM - Bruce Allen at Boston Sports Media Watch piles on. We will respectfully disagree with one point - Bruce says Shank forgets about the 2013 World Series win by the Red Sox. We are far less charitable here. We believe that Shank is indeed pissed that his little cottage industry of 'The Curse' has been toppled, and that it's more logical to assume that Shank deliberately ignores the success of the Red Sox (and that of other local teams, for that matter) in order to continue taking that Bud Light fueled piss on anything successful by local professional sports teams in the New England area. Just wait until the New England Patriots get revved up in a week or two as Exhibit 1,652.

'Selig' Him Later

MLB Commissioner "[Bud] Selig is easily harpooned and mistakes have been made, but none of baseball’s other eight commissioners could possibly match his love for the game and respect for its history."

So says The CHB today, ignoring, for instance, Bart Giamatti, who when rumored to be a candidate for the presidency of Yale, responded, "The only thing I ever wanted to be president of was the American League," and who wrote several articles on baseball, including one for Harper's on Tom Seaver, and another called "Baseball and the American Character." (Moreover, unlike Selig, he actually dealt with problems that occurred on his watch.)

The CHB likes to talk about the inflated home run totals during the so-called steroid era, but ignores the fact that homers today are the same as in the 1990s on per ball in play ratio. (The only difference: more guys are striking out, thus fewer balls are put into play.) So was it the drugs, or something else? Shank doesn't know, and he doesn't care.

Shank is also still complaining about the "bag job" sale of the Red Sox to the Henry Group, even though the results has been three World Series crowns. Perhaps he's still upset over the end of his Curse of the Bambino franchise.

The only surprise? That The CHB could write a column on PEDs and not mention David Ortiz.

Disbelief

I'm having trouble believing this - a balanced, decently written column by Shank without the trademark trolling questions, petty, vindictive swipes, personal insults or axe-grinding agendas.

MINNEAPOLIS — Jon Lester was in a good mood as he sat at his interview station in a grand ballroom of the downtown Hyatt Hotel on Monday afternoon. The Red Sox southpaw was barely bothered while, a few yards to his left, dozens of cameramen and reporters elbowed each other for access to Derek Jeter’s table.

If not for a few Boston scribes asking about his impending free agency, Lester might have gone unnoticed during the mandatory media session for baseball’s All-Stars.

Lester’s contract status is going to be the big story in Boston baseball for the next few months. He is the ultimate commodity: a 30-year-old power pitcher who has won two World Series, never misses a start, has demonstrated he can perform in a tough market, and is having his best overall season (9-7, 2.65 ERA, 29 walks, 134 strikeouts in 129 innings).

What A Difference Four Years Makes

Shank devotes today's column to LeBron James, who returns home to Cleveland to once again play for the Cavaliers.

Bron-Bron is all grown up. And it shows.

Four years ago, LeBron James orchestrated one of the most selfish television events of this century, arrogantly telling the world he was taking his talents to South Beach and incurring the wrath of a nation. A No. 23 James jersey was burned on Cleveland Street, and Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert characterized LeBron’s “Decision” as a “cowardly betrayal.’’ LeBron Hate ruled the day.

Would you care to guess who one of those 'haters' was?

Gag me. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned disdain for the opposition? How good can the competition be when the alleged "rivals" are in business together or planning to join forces at a later date?

At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon who covered the 1918 World Series (Ruth really dominated the Cubs in that 1-0 game, didn't he?), sports was better in the days before the players all loved one another.

Recycling The Absentee Complaint - II

For the second time in a week, Shank bitches about Red Sox ownership in absentia, so he'll have to settle for Larry Lucchino.

Ownership has been hard to find while the Red Sox dropped out of contention in the summer of 2014. John Henry and Tom Werner haven’t had much to say about their tied-for-last-place team.

With the Sox heading out of town until after the All-Star break, I figured it would be a good time to hear from Larry Lucchino. According to Henry, Larry runs the Red Sox.

Forget baseball; second guessing is Shank's favorite pastime.

And We Have A Bridge In Brooklyn To Sell You

Shank now claims he loves soccer, supposedly because the guys fixing his car love the game as well. Totally believable!

I gave it one more try. Mocked, ridiculed, and threatened by soccer krishnas around the globe, I pledged to give the Beautiful Game one more chance on the occasion of the World Cup semifinal featuring host country Brazil and Germany.

And it was ugly. Who knew this would end up being the equivalent of the 1940 NFL championship game that resulted in a 73-0 victory for the Chicago Bears over the Washington Redskins? Germany beat Brazil, 7-1, Tuesday. The Germans will play the winner of Wednesday’s Netherlands-Argentina match in Sunday’s World Cup final.

It does not matter. I am sorry for the disgrace of Brazil, but I now love Futbol. I love it because I have seen it through the eyes of the owners, workers, friends, and customers of J & K Auto Body, just a few feet from Oak Square in Brighton.

Liar, douchebag, hypocrite or world-class professional troll - take your pick, or just mix and match.

Sinking Ship

The 2014 Boston Red Sox are currently in last place in the A.L. East, so Shank comes out and puts a few more holes in the hull of the ship.

Identifying the low point of this train wreck season has become a parlor game throughout New England: Was it getting swept in the doubleheader at home against the Rays back in May; losing three straight to Tito’s Tribe; the 16-9 beatdown at the hands of Theo’s Cubs last Wednesday; or was it Sunday when the Sox couldn’t finish in 12 innings after rallying from five runs down against the first-place Orioles?

In good times and bad, Farrell has managed the Red Sox without creating any brushfires. He has dealt with highly paid, sometimes selfish and excuse-making players, an aggressive media, loud fans, multiple voices of ownership, in-house stat geeks, and great expectations without making things worse. He has a world championship in his pocket.

Which, of course, isn't good enough for Shank, who once again displays a gleeful attitude in his writing when a team's at its worst.

Recycling the Absentee Complaint

Here we go: Shank is setting his sights on the Red Sox "absentee" owners:

Farrell and general manager Ben Cherington are still talking about 2014. Meanwhile, we hear only the sounds of silence from ownership. John, Tom, and Larry — always around for the trophy presentations, the White House visits, and those hard-hitting sessions on NESN — have been virtually invisible while the Sox have run off the rails at the beginning of our summer.

Keep in mind he's done this before, most recently in his book (released last year), when the Red Sox were coming off their 2012 season and John Henry was looking to purchase more properties for his Fenway Sports Group. On Opening Day 2006, he declared Larry Lucchino "conspicuously absent.”

It's classic front-running CHB-speak.

And it's hard to take The CHB seriously when he's quoting as the voice of reason on free agency one Mo Vaughn, the same guy whom after he left the Red Sox was worth an aggregate -0.3 wins over replacement over the rest of his career (basically, you could have plucked anyone from the minor leagues and that player would have been more valuable than Mo). Believe it or not, Boston generally has made the right call on which players to let walk, Roger Clemens being the notable exception. Just wait until Lester pitches a couple of bad games in a row and Shank starts calling him a prima donna.*

*On second thought, that would never happen, given that Lester is white.

Great Timing, Shank!

Dan Shaughnessy, eight days ago:

When he was American League MVP in 2008, Pedroia batted .326 with 17 homers, 83 RBIs, 54 doubles, and 213 hits. But his slugging percentage has gotten lower in each of the last four seasons and he went into Friday’s game hitting .265 with an on-base percentage of .338.

Dustin's batting average over the last ten games? .433.

Ringing with Hate for the Olympics and Ryan

Check this out: Dan Shaughnessy is right about something.

He doesn't think Boston can handle the Olympics.

And we agree.

His rationale, however, like his posture, needs work. "We already are a world-class city," The CHB writes, then proceeds to list all the reasons why Boston is NOT a world-class city: bridge repair, housing, better public schools, an improved MBTA, programs for the disenfranchised, better ways to get in and out of the city. In fact, as anyone who has traveled outside of 495 knows, it is precisely that ability to function that makes a city world class. (That, or in the case of New Orleans, the 365-day Spring Break for adults.)

What we are more curious about is what prompted the long-running lover's quarrel with Bob Ryan, the latest installment of which continues in today's papers.

Today, Ryan says he likes the World Cup. While basically the same column he wrote a couple weeks ago, this is notable because he calls out -- in his lede, no less -- the "xenophobic, American-Sports-Are-The-Only-Sports party poopers" [read: The CHB] who are "ecstatic" because the US lost.

This is a direct response to The CHB's June 23 column in which he happily claims to be done with the World Cup, , assailing the "Futbol Moonies" who call him "an aging, unhip, xenophobic, uncultured dolt." Well, who said he can't be all of that AND a soccer hater?

The ongoing catfight between Tweedledum and Tweedledee is like watching a couple of sickly vagabonds argue over a few crusts of moldy bread. There's literally nothing at stake, but you can't wait to see how it all plays out.

DHL Dan - XXXIV

Consistent with July 4th being a holiday, Shank takes another day off and mails in another column.

Picked-up pieces while sorting through vicious messages from those gentle, progressive, inclusive, oh-so-tolerant fans of “The Beautiful Game” . . .

Isn't that rich - Shank lecturing other people on tolerance!

With this riff on the Red Sox, is Shank falling into his old habits, perhaps aware that John Henry won't shitcan him?

In the wake of Theo’s Revenge, the Red Sox are nine games under .500. They are 38-47 and went into Thursday’s day off just one game ahead of the last-place Rays. The Bobby Valentine Red Sox — who turned out to be the worst Sox team in 47 years — were 43-42 at this same juncture. Worst-to-first-to-worst is certainly doable. Barring a miracle, the Sox will fail to win a playoff game for the fifth time in the last six seasons. Think about that while you are paying the highest ticket prices in baseball. Your team, which has made the luxury-tax threshold a hard salary cap for itself, will go without a playoff win in five of six seasons. The Sox brass know you are SO GRATEFUL for last year’s championship. So what’s up with this team we are watching? Is everything still awesome?

And what's a Picked Up Pieces column without a shot at the Krafts?

Amazing to hear Jonathan Kraft — whose family fortune was made on paper product — telling The SportsHub, “We all know what is happening to print publications, they don’t matter anymore,’’ after an unflattering portrayal of the Krafts’ Revolution ownership in Boston Magazine.

Not amazing at all, Shank - The Kraft Group has a paper & packaging division, which, last time I checked, is quite different from what Jonathan Kraft was referring to. But hey, deliberate misrepresentation is fine as long as you can use it to take a shot at the Krafts, right?

The rest of the 'column' is the usual jumble of disjointed random thoughts & subjects - par for the course.

World Cup Ignored

Shank takes another piss on the game of soccer:

It was almost 9 p.m. Tuesday when I finally realized why I was at Fenway on the same day that the US World Cup team played the most important American soccer game of all time.

It came to me when a young man in the Fenway elevator asked if there was any score in the sixth inning of the Red Sox-Cubs game.

“No,’’ I told him. “It’s nil-nil.’’

There it was. The overrated sport of soccer and the overpaid/overhyped Boston Red Sox have one thing in common:

Nil.

And they both lost, 2-1, on Tuesday.

These are your Red Sox. There are your American Futbolers. They should be captained by Nils Lofgren and Zero Mostel. They should endorse Coke Zero. They should star in “Zero Dark Thirty” and promote the Zero-Sum game.

Noted - Dan Shaughnessy hates soccer, except for that one time he didn't (hat tip - Awful Announcing):

That seals it. Soccer has arrived. The Worldwide Leader is right again. Like millions of other Americans, Ken Nigro is setting his Old School Timex to watch today’s women’s World Cup final, featuring the United States and Japan, in Frankfurt.

Count me as one of the last holdouts. I’m one of those ugly Americans who’d normally prefer to stick needles in my eyes than watch soccer. Parental duties required days on the soccer sideline when my kids were little, but that was different. Watching grown-ups play soccer on television has forever been a chore.

So much for consistency!

Mookie Betts

Shank writes about the latest Red Sox call-up from Pawtucket and can barely contain his optimism:

NEW YORK — Let’s just go ahead and call this what it is:

The free-falling Red Sox are in full-blown panic mode. After Friday night’s Rollover Beethoven, three-hit shutout loss to the immortal Vidal Nuno, Sox general manager Ben Cherington and manager John Farrell got together and decided to call up Markus Lynn “Mookie” Betts.

This is what the fans want. This is what the fans need. (no sarcasm there! - ed.) And so the Sox summoned a 5-foot-9-inch, 156-pound, 21-year-old kid who has played exactly 77 games above Single A ball. They called up a kid who was not invited to the big league clubhouse in spring training. They called up the next Sox phenom, an innocent successor in the Sox’ conga line of mega-hyped prospects named Juan Bustabad, Chico Walker, Brady Anderson, Frankie Rodriguez, Lars Anderson, Jackie Bradley Jr., and Xander Bogaerts. Some of them worked out. Some didn’t. Now it’s Mookie’s turn.

Juust a bit over the top!

Dropoff

A day or two behind one of the local sports talk radio topics, Shank wonders - what's up with Dustin Pedroia?

NEW YORK — Dustin Pedroia has a message for those who believe he is in steady, irreversible decline.

“I’ll be the same player that I am — the same player that you’ve seen — until I’m dead, OK?’’ Pedroia said while sitting in front of his locker before Friday’s Red Sox-Yankees series opener at Yankee Stadium. “That’s basically the bottom line.’’

He has spent his entire professional career being cocky and defiant. That’s the way it goes when you are 5-foot-nothing and clubhouse security guys won’t let you into the room because they don’t believe you’re a big leaguer. So now that his offensive numbers are sliding, now that he is 30, there is speculation that Dustin Pedroia might never again be the same player.

Why Shank needs to tar an otherwise halfway decent column with another cheap shot about Pedroia's height is beyond me.

Check that - it's not beyond me - Shank's just a dick...

The NBA Draft

The Celtics hold the #6 and #17 picks in tonight's NBA draft. Shank talks about the draft... by waxing nostalgic:

SPRINGFIELD — I am standing here in the uppermost Honor Ring of the planetarium-like Basketball Hall of Fame, looking at the images of all the great Celtics and thinking about how they were acquired in the days of Red Auerbach, when the draft was a little less sophisticated than it is today.

Hmmmm. There’s Bill Russell. He was pretty good. Red first heard about Russell from Bill Reinhart, who was Red’s college coach at George Washington. During the 1953-54 NCAA season, Russell’s San Francisco Dons crushed GW in a tournament in Oklahoma City. Russell was only a sophomore, but Auerbach got reports on the kid from Reinhart and his West Coast friends, Pete Newell, Freddy Scolari, and Don Barksdale.

Projection

Boston's most consistently negative, spiteful and vindictive sports columnist is now lecturing people over their reactions to LeBron James' move to free agency:

What’s up with all the LeBron hate?

LeBron James opted out of his deal with the Miami Heat Tuesday and the reaction was predictable.

As predictable as Shank taking a shot at Bob Kraft when he writes about the New England Patriots.

From coast to coast, on airwaves, the Internet, and social media, LeBron was slaughtered.

Folks who understand the mechanics of NBA free agency and salary capology warned fans not to overreact to James exercising his contractual rights under the collective bargaining agreement.

There is a large school of thought that holds that James has no intention of leaving Miami and is making this move to allow Pat Riley the flexibility to improve the Heat’s supporting cast.

So the logic of the move has been established. The emotions are another thing, right?

Dwyane Wade is in serious decline and LeBron had no significant help in the Finals against San Antonio.

LeBron-staying-in-Miami is no fun for the haters. It’s a much better story for all of us if LeBron wants out. This would validate all of us who crushed the odious “Decision’’ and the wildly offensive smoke-and-mirrors show when LeBron talked about, “Not one, not two, not three [championships] . . .”

Shank used to be a hater!

Count me as a guy who likes LeBron.

Except when he didn't...

DHL Dan XXXIII - World Cup Edition

Did you ever get the feeling that Shank isn't the most original columnist around? You would be right!
(hat tip to Tim Marchman at Deadspin)

Stop trying to make Dan Shaughnessy feel guilty about not liking soccer

June 22, 2014


I am done apologizing for not loving soccer. I am guilt-free. This is America. Land of choice. Land of freedom. I choose to ignore the World Cup on television... when the World Cup is over, soccer will be over for most of us. We will go back to football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. And we will not feel guilty about it.

June 17, 1994


Of course, we're going to be made to feel guilty in the upcoming weeks.

July 5, 1990


I just hate watching soccer and I'm getting pretty fed up with the guilt I'm supposed to feel.... We were doing fine before the big guilt trip set in.... Men in foreign lands love their soccer teams the way they love their families. This is great. But do we have to keep feeling guilty because we don't feel this way?... I am through feeling guilty. Call me ignorant. Call me an ugly American.

Soccer fans are strange cultists

June 22, 2014


If you don't like soccer the Futbol Moonies will insist that you are an aging, unhip, xenophobic, uncultured dolt. Soccer is the world's most popular game. It's the game of the future.

June 26, 1994


They are the Soccer Krishnas. They are the Futbol Moonies. They are the Scientologists of Sport... The Soccer Krishnas do not know when to stop... Soccer Krishnas have no sense of humor.... There's only one man on the field who has a clue how much time is left, and the rest of us have to guess. Maybe the Futbol Moonies could sell this to David Stern, Paul Tagliabue and Gary Bettman. It would be a perfect way to make basketball, football and hockey as primitive and mindless as soccer.

June 17, 1994


Nothing is ever enough for these Soccer Krishnas...

Soccer will never be a popular spectator sport in America

June 22, 2014


Millions of kids in our country have been playing soccer for more than 40 years. This has not translated into an adult population of folks who'll pay to watch professional soccer games. Millions of kids also play hopscotch, kickball, and lacrosse. It doesn't mean those games can become mainstream American professional spectator sports.

June 17, 1994


Let's have no more of this "soccer is the next major spectator sport in America." Just because we're indulging the world for a few weeks doesn't mean anybody here really likes watching this stuff...

July 5, 1990


Kids love to play the game. Great. Does that mean we have to pretend it'll someday be a major spectator sport in this country?

There is no sense of progression toward the goal; soccer is just 90 minutes of turnovers

June 22, 2014


Soccer doesn't have natural progression leading up to scores... It's pretty much 90 minutes of turnovers.

June 26, 1994


Soccer to me is 90 minutes of nonstop turnovers with no natural progression to the goal.

July 5, 1990


Like hockey, there is no organized progression toward the goal. It's nonstop turnovers...

Hands are what separate man from beast

June 22, 2014


Soccer takes away our hands. This makes the game incredibly skillful and exhausting, but also robs fans of much of the beauty of sport. Hands and opposable thumbs separate us from creatures of the wild.

June 17, 1994


And what's with the hands? How good can any game be when you can't use your hands? Hands are what separate us from the animal kingdom.

July 5, 1990


Finally, there is the hands problem. Hands and thumbs, that's what separates us from the beasts of the jungle.

He Gets No Kicks from Soccer

The CHB doesn't care for soccer, so he writes a 948-word piece to tell us.

OK, fine, lots of people don't like soccer (or football, as the rest of the world calls it). But let's look at Shank's rationale:

1. "Soccer doesn’t have much scoring." Watch hockey lately?

2. "How would we have even known the athletic greatness of Pedro Martinez, Larry Bird, Bobby Orr or Tom Brady if they could not have used their hands? Soccer takes our hands out of the game."  Except, of course, that soccer involves running, which requires, you know,

3.Soccer lovers tend to be an elitist, intolerant lot." Those last three words perfectly describe Shaughnessy. Projection!

4. The US hasn't adopted the metric system, therefore we will never adopt soccer.  Seriously; that's his point.)

Shank also takes yet another opportunity to bash Bob Ryan. What kind of lover's spat did these two clowns get into, anyway?

Next week, The CHB will tell us how he doesn't like cooking.

*Larry Bird watch!

Just A Pinch

Two days after its publication, The Boston Globe decides to publish Shank's most recent column in his normal space.

Smokeless kills.

And yet big league ballplayers, coaches, and managers still use smokeless tobacco.

Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn died of salivary gland cancer Monday at the age of 54. Gwynn blamed his mouth cancer on his habit of dipping smokeless tobacco during his 20-year career with the San Diego Padres.

It’s a baseball thing, and it’s killing players, and many don’t want to stop. Or they can’t stop.

Clay Buchholz and Dustin Pedroia, two Red Sox stars with young children, addressed their bad habit before Tuesday night’s game against the Minnesota Twins at Fenway Park.

Notable by their absence are Shank's hyperbole and self-righteousness that you'd expect to see with columns such as this one.

Greg Colbrunn

Shank piles on the Red Sox and reports on Red Sox coach Greg Colbrunn's brain hemorrhage.

BALTIMORE — It was a terrible trip.

It was a terrible trip because the Sox went 2-7 in Cleveland, Detroit, and Baltimore. It was a terrible trip because the Sox lost six straight after the return of Stephen Drew, then watched Drew strain an oblique muscle and miss the entire Oriole series. It was a terrible trip because the Sox were six games out when they left Boston, and they are nine games out as they ready themselves for Tito and the Tribe Thursday night at Fenway. It was a terrible trip because of interminable rain delays in Baltimore at the end of the junket. It was a terrible trip because the Red Sox can . . . not . . . hit (one run in 27 innings at Camden Yards). And they were dangerously close to going 0-9 on the tour through traditional American League cities.

Most of all — for the Sox ballplayers, manager, coaches, and support staff — it was a terrible trip because hitting coach Greg Colbrunn suffered a brain hemorrhage on the final day in Cleveland and was still at the Cleveland Clinic when the Sox returned to Boston in the early hours Thursday morning.

A baseball team is much more than 25 guys playing three-plus hours of hardball every night. A baseball team is a multilayered family with individuals from diverse cultural, educational, and economic backgrounds.

Best wishes to Mr. Colbrunn and his family.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Shank's down on Red Sox third baseman Will Middlebrooks:

BALTIMORE — He’s a real Nowhere Man.

Will Middlebrooks broke his right index finger trying to catch a screaming liner off the bat of Ian Kinsler May 16. Four days later, Stephen Drew signed a $10 million contract to play the rest of this season with the Red Sox.

After signing Drew, the Sox brass sat down with Xander Bogaerts and gently broke the news to the rookie that he’d be moving from shortstop to third base for the rest of the year.

Nobody in the Sox front office said anything to Middlebrooks after the Drew signing. And no one really notices him now as he travels with the Sox and hopes to be ready to DH in the minors some time soon.

Those of us who connect dots for a living assume that Middlebrooks’s days with the organization are numbered. It’s as if his time has come and gone before the age of 26.

As Mike noted with yesterday's column with respect to Stephen Drew, Shank writes a lot of this column with a template that shifts ever so slightly from the last one - start the column with a lame song lyric, conveniently ignores what he wrote two weeks ago when he bitched about the lack of farm system help and then mentions two of them in this column, briefly recaps Middelbrooks' career, then raise some questions that are, in part, designed to create controversy.

Classic Shank, with a twist of lime!

Drawn to Drew

Today's column on Stephen Drew's return is The CHB at his formulaic best (or is that worst?).

An attempt at a pithy lede that ends up as a non sequitur. A string of insults gleaned from a day spent listening to talk radio. A recap of the subject's history. And an attempt at stirring up a controversy where none exists -- or is even necessary.

Yep, classic Shank.

Old School Shank

Are you surprised when The CHB takes a thread and pulls it until the entire "I'm Not With Stupid, I AM Stupid" t-shirt unravels?

Not us.

As such, we didn't bat an eye (get it?) when Shank used an otherwise innocuous David Ortiz comment about how David Price should have been suspended for throwing at (and hitting) Red Sox batters after being warned as an opportunity to rehash every insult -- real and imagined -- that Big Papi allegedly has inflicted on the game.

Keep in mind that The CHB, by his own admission, is about the only one bothered by Papi's comments. Shank's anger over Manny Ramirez being feted as part of the 2004 World Series winners must be carrying over.

Ted Williams routinely disrupted his team, played middling defense, defied his managers and ignored baseball etiquette. Carl Yastrzemski attempted to start his own league, publicly ripped his teammates, was fined for not hustling, and used PEDs (greenies).

Here's what Jim Bouton wrote about Yaz in Ball Four:

Yastrzemski was recently fined $500 for loafing and I've been keeping an eye on him. Sure enough, he hit a ball to second base today and loafed all the way to first. I'm afraid Yastrzemski has a bit of dog in him. Always did, and people around baseball knew it all the time. When things are going good Yastrzemski will go all out. When things aren't going so well he'll give a half-ass effort. But he's got so much ability that the only thing you can do is put up with him. 

Sound familiar?

The CHB likes to pretend he's part of the (self-appointed) old school of baseball, guarding the keys to the kingdom and making unilateral determinations as to who is -- and who isn't -- "right" when it comes to playing America's Pastime.

But then again, Papi is Hispanic, and no one in sports today does old school racism like The CHB.

What A Difference Ten Days Makes

Funny how a seven game winning streak can change your perspective on the 2014 Boston Red Sox:

By the fourth inning of Sunday afternoon’s game, the Red Sox had No. 70, Garin Cecchini, batting third, and No. 68, Alex Hassan, batting sixth — both players making their major league debuts. The Sox also had a rookie in center, a rookie at short, Brock Holt at first, and Jonathan Herrera at second.

Fort Myers in March?

No. Fenway Park in June. And with Jon Lester dominating from the mound, the Green Sox played near perfect baseball in a 4-0 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays.

Ten days ago, one of Shank's complaints about the team was a lack of input from the minor league system. Now, it's a feature!

Also, from that article - plenty of reasons were thrown around as to why the Red Sox weren't good, but you'd be hard pressed to find any commensurate analysis or opinion from Shank in today's column about why this team has 'suddenly' rebounded.