Swing And A Miss

Just found this column from Saturday afternoon - Shank didn't bother to tweet it out and I found it after checking the Globe's website, which I take great pains to avoid. For those keeping score at home, it's Shank's sixth Bruins column on the season.

Bobby Orr does not appreciate sports talk radio jockeys and fans who characterize 42-year-old Zdeno Chara as a defensive liability for the Bruins.

“I’ve heard a lot of crap recently about Chara, about Z,’’ Orr said during a lengthy interview with the Globe Friday. “Are you kidding me?

“I think if you were to ask these critics what they thought of the Bruins coaches, everyone would say they’ve been outstanding. Well, Z is the top ice guy, one or two. He kills all the penalties. When he’s on the ice, there’s just something different.

It's all Bobby Orr quotes, so of course it's worth checking out.

Desperation

The hockey playoffs have started.  The Bruins win the first two games by an aggregate score of 12 to 4. No columns from Shank on the first two games.

A game 3 loss by the Bruins? You bet your ass he's doing a column!

TORONTO — We know the Toronto Maple Leafs. We know their fans. We know what it’s like to care about a team that never wins.

Because we WERE them.

Not too long ago.

Remember?

One thing we can all appreciate about Shank - he sure loves to remind us of things we may have forgotten:

The Leafs beat the Bruins, 4-2, at the Air Canada Centre on Monday night to close the gap to 2-1 in their first-round playoff series with the Bruins. By any measure, it was a must-win game for a team that has been in must-lose mode for more than a half century.

The Leafs of today are the pre-2004 Red Sox. They have fans that care about the team as much as they care about their own families. They have a 51-year championship drought. They suffered one of the most hideous losses in hockey history in Boston five years ago when they blew a three-goal lead in the third period of a seventh game against the Bruins. They were the Toronto Leaf Blowers. It remains their Bill Buckner/Bucky Dent moment.

And in the end, comparisons to Bill Buckner & Bucky Dent are always the yardsticks deployed by Shank when measuring failure.

Boston Bruins Death Watch - II

Dan Shaughnessy Watch, March 10, 2016:

In true Shank Shaughnessy fashion, he will bury both of these teams once they're eliminated from the playoffs.

Not a very tough call, was it? Looks like Shank's enjoying one of his favorite pastimes again, running people out of town:

It looks like John Farrell is going to keep his job longer than Claude Julien.

Mercifully, it is official: The Bruins are not a playoff team. Five years after winning the Cup, three years after getting to the finals, two years after compiling the best overall record in the league . . . the Bruins are not one of the top 16 teams. For the second straight year. And yet there is still a Preserve Claude Society that will insist Julien should be Bruins Coach For Life.

Sorry. Claude has been nothing but class and professionalism. He is the winningest coach in team history and he brought the Cup back to Causeway Street. But nine years is enough. Nobody gets to do this forever. The Bruins have to rebuild and Julien might not be the guy for a team of youngsters.

It took Shank this long to figure it out? It wasn't obvious when the Bruins traded away Tyler Seguin?

Then again, not every Boston Globe sportswriter agrees with this assessment:

Put away that pink slip for Claude Julien. He isn’t packing up and going home yet and neither are the Bruins.

Those who want to run the Bruins coach out of town if the team coughs up a playoff spot for the second consecutive season are going to have to put a few more pins in their Julien voodoo dolls between now and the season-finale Saturday against the Ottawa Senators.

Were you thinking of someone in particular with that comment, Chris?

Pucked Up

Overreactors of the world, unite!

The guy who knows nothing about hockey (the time the Holy Cross varsity shoved a puck up his ass as a prank notwithstanding) says it's time to fire the Bruins GM and the coach.

Here's the best part: The CHB says Peter Chiarelli has "bleeped up" the draft every year. Here's a few of the guys who Chiarelli has drafted: Phil Kessel, who finished fifth in goals and sixth in scoring two seasons ago; Tyler Seguin, who finished fifth in goals and 7th in overall scoring this year, and fifth in goals and fourth in overall scoring a year ago; Dougie Hamilton, considered one of the top young blue liners in the league; and David Pastrnak, who at 18 made the big club. If there's a nit to pick, it's that Chiarelli didn't react fast enough to the change in hockey from lumbering to speed, and gave up too soon on the guys who could finish.

Great analysis, Shank!

A Sour Spectacle

Yes, that really was the (alleged) top sports columnist for the Boston Globe referencing the Lego Movie theme song in the lede of his piece today.

That nod to a ditty so mindlessly craptacular is surprisingly apropos, and about all you need to know about today's hatefest, a patented CHB special that takes shotgun-style aim at the Bruins, Red Sox, sports fans, Celtics and Patriots. Oh, and Hank Finkel too.

Sample flame: "The embarrassing, ill-prepared 2014 Red Sox were never taken to task this year. Boston fans soaked up NESN happy talk, paid the highest prices in baseball, sang “Sweet Caroline,” and enjoyed watching “the kids” finish in last place. After all, those lovable, cuddly Sox won the World Series in 2013. They won three in 10 years. So there’s no need for accountability anymore."

All this in a column about Bruins' opening night, mind you.

Keep in mind The CHB was all praises for the Red Sox in spring training, and his chief complaint about the Patriots and Bruins is that they have been too good for too long.

Look around, Mr. Historian: No one always wins in the current era of team sports. Three Super Bowls in four years, or three World Series crowns in 10 years, is today's gold standard, and if you can't at least appreciate that, I have some puppies, a bag and a map to the river. Knock yourself out.

By the way, the Bruins won the game. And never was heard an encouraging word.

Confusion over Winning Teams Throws Him for a Loss

Dan's at his worst -- and this is saying something -- when he falls back on his formula of comparing whichever team is that day's subject to the other Boston (or as he prefers "Hub") franchises.

Today's subject is the Bruins, so naturally we get a rundown of all the reasons (read: players) why the B's will be the guys to root for in 2014-15. There's no actual analysis, mind you; just a listing of the "name" players and management and a few shots at the other area teams, all of which is irrelevant because the Bruins don't, you know, actually play the Celtics or Red Sox or Patriots..

There's a moment in every Shank column where his prose makes the leap from vapid to plain goofy. Here's today's:

A Boston team that underachieves is generally condemned to a lifetime of abuse around here. Ask the 2011 Red Sox. Or the ’78 Sox. Or the 1970-71 Bruins. Those were powerhouses that folded at the finish. And they paid the price.

Does anyone mention the '78 Sox anymore? Or even 2011? Like Jim Beam at The Fours, World Series rings have a tendency to take the edge off. And who in the hell cares about the '70-71 Bruins? Talk about showing your age.

A complaint about a lack of winning local teams also falls on deaf ears. The Red Sox are not even a year away from a World Series Championship. The Patriots have made 10 playoffs in a row (the NFL's longest active streak) and are one year removed from the AFC Championship game.

Look closely, friends: This is what out of touch is.

Good News, Bad News

The bad news first - the Bruins lost last night, 3-2, to the new Stanley Cup champions, the Chicago Blackhawks.

The good news? This is Shank's last Bruins' column for the next few months!

The Bruins were going back to Chicago. The New Garden was as loud as it’s ever been, the Stanley Cup was going to stay under wraps, and the greatest puck series of a generation was going to play out in a seventh game Wednesday night at the United Center.

And then it melted like a snowcone on Causeway Street on the hottest day of the new summer. Before you could say Grady Little or David Tyree, the Chicago Blackhawks had their own Miracle On Ice and captain Jonathan Toews was hoisting the Stanley Cup over his head.

Because we all know the impact Grady Little and David Tyree had on the outcome of the game. What garbage...

A Tale Of Two Columns

Dan Shaughnessy, June 18th, 2013:

Before this Stanley Cup Final is over, the Bruins will be our Boys of Summer — on skates. And at this hour they are a feel-good team on a par with the 1967 Red Sox, the 1970 Bruins, and the 2001-02 Patriots.

There was a rainbow over Causeway Street when fans filed into the West End ice palace before Game 3 Monday night. By the end of the evening, Garden legions were thinking about the silver chalice that is the pot of gold in the National Hockey League.

On the latest date an NHL game has ever been played in Boston, the Bruins defeated the Chicago Blackhawks, 2-0, to take a 2-1 series lead in the Cup Final, which resumes Wednesday night at the Garden. If the Bruins win Game 4, they will have a chance to hoist the Stanley Cup on the ice of the United Center in Chicago Saturday night. Call JetBlue and American Airlines ASAP.

OK, that would be getting ahead of ourselves. But it’s easy to get swept away by the Black-and-Gold tide washing over New England in the spring/soon-to-be-summer of 2013. The Bruins are the team you love to love.

Dan Shaughnessy, two days later:

If you really want to know the truth, we were getting a little greedy about the whole thing.

It wasn’t a matter of if the Bruins would win the Stanley Cup. It was all about when. And where.

Would the Bruins win it in five in Chicago Saturday night? Or would they win it in six back at home on Causeway Street?

Six would be nice, we reasoned. The Bruins haven’t won the Stanley Cup on home ice since Mother’s Day 1970, when Bobby Orr flew through the air.

The parade route was another hot topic. Down Boylston Street seemed like a good idea. That would certainly be a triumphant moment after everything that’s happened this spring.

And who was the favorite for the Conn Smythe Trophy — Tuukka Rask or Patrice Bergeron?

So many premature questions. So many premature thoughts.

So, who was it getting ahead of ourselves, again?

Number 4

Shank interviews Bobby Orr, who played for both the Bruins and Blackhawks. It's an excellent column, because Bobby Orr does most of the talking.

False Expectations

Shaughnessy doesn't really get sports, does he?

Today he calls the Bruins a feel-good team on the level of the '67 Red Sox, the 1970 Bruins or 2001-02 Patriots.

For anyone who was watching, there's a big difference. The 1966 Red Sox finished 9th in the American League, 26 games behind the World Series winning Orioles. They has not been to the World Series since 1946 and were not expected to break that streak in 1967.

The 2000-01 Patriots finished 5-11 and in last place in the AFC East. They had missed the playoffs the year before as well, and had never won a Super Bowl.

The 1970 Bruins, on the other hand, were coming off one of the best seasons in club history, having set a franchise record 100 points and making it to the Eastern Division finals. They did not sneak up on anyone.

As for the 2011-12 Bruins, they won the Northeast Division with 102 points. They were the defending Stanley Cup Champions. They did not sneak up on anyone either.

The Red Sox and Patriots teams were utter surprises. The two Bruins teams are just doing what we expected them to do.

Look away.

Cold as Ice

Shaughnessy on hockey is like nails on a chalkboard, except nails do have their place in a classroom while The CHB has no business anywhere near anything with ice, except maybe a scotch glass.

All it took was one loss for Shank to roll out those tired tropes about bad bounces from-- get this -- 1990. Let's just forget that those Bruins were facing modern hockey's equivalent of the
'27 Yankees, while this year's edition won the Stanley Cup just two seasons ago.

And thank god the B's won in 2011, lest we be treated to a new CHB money grab: The Curse of the Zamboni.

The One Where Dan Goes to the Stanley Cup and Reports on a Baseball Game

It was a game about nothing.

That's the takeaway from The CHB's recap of Game 1 of the Stanley Cup. Comparisons abound to the Red Sox in 2004 and 2007, the Patriots-Bears Super Bowl in 1986 (when Mike Ditka was a coach!) and the 1918 World Series.

Oh yeah, and a Larry Bird mention. What more could we ask for in a column about hockey?

The Midnight Hour

Shank stayed up late last night to give us a pretty good column on the Bruins' double overtime win over the Pittsburgh Penguins:

This was a Wilson Pickett Special. Wait Till The Midnight Hour. That’s when your love comes tumblin’ down.

The Bruins took a commanding 3-0 lead in the Eastern Conference finals at 12:13 a.m. Thursday when Patrice Bergeron slipped the puck past Penguins goalie Tomas Vokoun in the 16th minute of the second overtime to give Boston a 2-1 victory.

“We found a way,” said Bergeron. “It wasn’t necessarily our best effort in the first 60, but we regrouped in overtime. We are pretty tired, but it’s rewarding when you get results.”

Some of Boston’s most memorable sports moments have transpired in the midnight hour. Carlton Fisk’s moonshot off the foul pole in 1975 was struck at 12:34 a.m. David Ortiz’s Game 4 ALCS walkoff against the Yankees was hit even later. Adam Vinatieri’s overtime kick against the Raiders in the final game at snowy old Foxboro Stadium was a midnight-hour special. The Bruins and Edmonton Oilers went three overtimes in the Stanley Cup Final here in 1990.

Surprisingly, Shank does not mention a previous Bruins' 3 - 0 series lead that evaporated. Instead:

It’s the midnight hour for the Pittsburgh Penguins. The Bruins are going to the Final and the once-dominant Penguins are just trying to avoid the indignity of being swept.

Of course, Shank's trademark optimism is subject to change...

Flopping Column

You know you're expecting a terrible Shank column about Game 3 of the Bruins / Penguins series when it starts out like this:

“We were not just beating this team. We were destroying it. As much as I wanted to win that championship, I remember being disappointed that the Lakers were not playing better.’’

— Bill Russell, recalling a 1965 title-clinching game in which the Celtics scored 20 consecutive points, running to a 36-point lead over Los Angeles.

Welcome to Boston, you Pittsburgh Penguins.

This is just another irritating example of Shaughnessy having to interject some other sport into a given column; in this instance, it may well have to do about his, um, lack of expertise in the area.

Because we read him so you don't have to, he redeems himself later in the column, since he has a chance to take a dump on someone:

All eyes will certainly be on Sidney Crosby. Now that LeBron James has rescued the Heat in a Game 7, Crosby is the sports star with the most to prove in the spring of 2013. His reputation has taken a massive hit in the first two games of this series and he risks morphing into a Wilt Chamberlain/A-Rod pinata if he continues to pout and put up zeroes.

The sub-headline in Sports Illustrated’s May 13 cover story on Crosby reads, “You can’t keep Sidney Crosby down. You can only marvel at how hockey’s best player keeps coming back even better than when he left.’’

Well, the Bruins certainly have kept him down for two games. And the only thing to “marvel” about is the new notion that Crosby is a baby and a no-show on the big stage. He’s supposed to be the face of the NHL and the successor to Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky, and Mario Lemieux, but thus far in this series, he’s not nearly as good as Torey Krug. And let’s not embarrass him with the numbers about his faceoff failures against Patrice Bergeron.

And the coup de grace:

When an infant was heard crying on a JetBlue flight out of Pittsburgh Tuesday, the pilot asked whether it was Crosby crying in the back of the plane. This is not the image you want to take into Game 3 when your highly favored team was just outscored, 9-1, in the first two games of the conference finals.

A mixed bag, indeed.

Colorful History

Shank gives us an offbeat drive down memory lane before the Bruins and Pittsburgh Penguins start the Eastern Conference finals on Saturday night:

The Bruins play their next game sometime before the World Series (Saturday in Pittsburgh, to be precise), and in our effort to deliver all things Bruins-Penguins, we ask you to hop into the Jerry Trupiano Wayback Machine for some history of this rivalry and these old-timey sports cities.

■ The Penguins wore dark blue, light blue, and white as their colors when they first came into the league in 1967. They changed to black and gold in 1980, claiming it was an homage to the neighborhood champion Steelers and Pirates. Bruins boss Harry Sinden protested the change, claiming the Penguins were stealing Bruins colors.

Enough All Right, Shank

Dan Shaughnessy believes his Boston Globe readers are stupid, gullible and have short / nonexistent memories. This might be the explanation for him to write the following faux fanboy bandwagon column, presumably without the slightest hint of irony or self-awareness:

Never a doubt the Bruins were better team

Enough.

Enough of John Tortorella and his annoying press conferences. Enough of the goal-challenged Rangers pretending they had a chance against the Bruins. Enough of the antics of Derek Dorsett. Enough silly talk about the Bruins blowing another 3-0 series lead.

The B’s Saturday night put the Rangers and their fans out of their misery with a 3-1 Game 5, series-clinching victory over the New Yorkers. The Bruins advance to play the Penguins in the conference finals, starting next week at the Consol Energy Center in Pittsburgh. It’ll be Black & Gold vs. Black & Gold. Sidney Crosby is the only thing standing between the Bruins and another trip to the Stanley Cup Final.

It’s nice to have the Rangers in the rearview mirror. New York was merely an annoyance in Round 2. There was never a moment when the Rangers looked like the better team. They deserved to be swept, and were spared that indignity only because Tuukka Rask slipped on the ice at Madison Square Garden in Game 4. This led to a lot of hysteria about 2010 and the B’s collapse against the Flyers with Rask in net.

The word 'never' would apply to the columnist himself, wouldn't it? Once again, note the passive tone of 'Enough silly talk about the Bruins blowing another 3-0 series lead' and 'lot of hysteria about 2010 and the B’s collapse against the Flyers with Rask in net, as though he didn't have a damn thing to do with any of it:

But they will be reminded that three years ago — with Tuukka between the pipes — they blew a 3-0 series lead against the Flyers.

They will be reminded that they seem to have a big problem closing out playoff series.

They will be reminded that they gave away Game 4 in Madison Square Garden. Big time.
...
Or they’ll have to come back to New York and there will be thousand more reminders that Rask was between the pipes in 2010 when the Bruins blew a 3-0 lead against the Flyers.

Do these sentences sound like someone who supposedly never had a doubt about the Bruins winning this series? To me, it sounds like a columnist who at best takes his readers for fools and knaves, at worst openly lies to them.

Didn't See This One Coming

The Bruins lost to the New York Rangers last night, 4-3, on a series of mistakes; Tuukka Rask falling down, Zdeno Chara coughing up the puck near his own goal, and a penalty for too many men on the ice leading to three of the Rangers' goals.

Of course, Shank reminds us once again of a certain playoff series loss from three years ago:

But they will be reminded that three years ago — with Tuukka between the pipes — they blew a 3-0 series lead against the Flyers. They will be reminded that they seem to have a big problem closing out playoff series. They will be reminded that they gave away Game 4 in Madison Square Garden. Big time.

Note the use of the passive voice - 'they will be reminded'. Of course they'll be reminded - time and again, with Dan Shaughnessy leading the charge.

Just in case anyone missed the point:

They’d better win Saturday. Or they’ll have to come back to New York and there will be thousand more reminders that Rask was between the pipes in 2010 when the Bruins blew a 3-0 lead against the Flyers.

There will be reminders, all right - half of them will bear Shank's byline.

Whaddya Mean, It's Not Hockeytown?

Shank's been in New York City for the past few days, following the Bruins - Rangers series as we await Game 4 any minute now. He delivers a pretty good column as he takes the pulse of the city and finds little life interest in the hometown hockey team.

NEW YORK — Hockeytown, this is not.

The New York state of mind is not focused on the neutral zone trap. It’s hard to be a Rangers fan in the city. Spike Lee and Whoopi Goldberg don’t splice Rangers footage into their films.

Sure, the Rangers have fans and sellouts and Original Six tradition, and they even won a Stanley Cup back in 1994. But I have been here since Monday and I am here to tell you that there is no buzz in this town for the New York Rangers. (closing some bars - now that's a different story! - ed.) The House of Blueshirts is the hockey house of blues.

It’s not just because the 2012-13 Rangers can’t score goals, have no power play (2 for 38 in playoffs), and are teetering on the brink of elimination. No. It was like this in the days leading up to Tuesday night’s de facto clincher by the Bruins.

Hockey Hyperbole

A week removed from Shank jumping back on the Bruins bandwagon, we have seen the Bruins win three straight games over the New York Rangers, with the latest win being last night's 2-1 road win at Madison Square Garden. Naturally, Shank overreacts to this win streak:

NEW YORK — They may never lose another game.

Maybe this is the year. Again. Maybe Dave Goucher’s Game 7 Toronto call of “Bergeron! Bergeron!’’ is destined to go into the Boston sports audio Hall of Fame, alongside Johnny Most’s “Havlicek stole the ball!’’ and Joe Castiglione’s “Can you believe it?”

On the strength of Daniel Paille’s goal with 3:31 remaining, the Bruins beat the Rangers, 2-1, Tuesday night and now hold a 3-0 series lead in their best-of-seven conference semifinal. They have been a rocket sled on Bauer blades since they stared into the face of elimination in Game 7 against the Maple Leafs.

Then throw in a mistake that hockey novices make:

Tyler Seguin got away with a stick to the face of Chris Kreider...

Tyler Seguin was shooting the puck when that happened, and the follow-through on that shot is what caused his stick to hit Kreider in the face. Might want to consult the rule book on that one, Mr. Associate Editor at the Boston Globe...

Hacktastic!

There is no doubt whatsoever that Mike's excerpt below is precisely what Shank wanted to write after Game 7 of the Leafs - Bruins series. Actual events have a nasty habit of upsetting the apple cart:

It was only a first-round series, against a team that hasn’t won a playoff series in nine years.

It was not Bobby Orr scoring to win a Stanley Cup championship. Or Adam Vinatieri splitting the uprights at the Superdome. Or coming back from a 3-0 deficit against the Yankees.

But it was one of the great moments in Boston sports history. In a pulsating Game 7 against the Toronto Maple Leafs Monday night, the Bruins trailed, 4-1, with 11 minutes left, but rallied to tie the game (two goals in the final 1:22 of regulation), then beat the Maple Leafs, 5-4, in overtime on a goal by Patrice Bergeron. Bergeron’s follow-up shot in the sixth minute of OT pushed the Black and Gold to a second-round series against the New York Rangers.

And what's a column about the Bruins without yet another comparison to the Red Sox?

The Bruins were done. They were Toronto toast. They were going down hard. They were going to be scorned. Julien was going to be Grady Little (there's still time for that one, Shank! - ed) and the Bruins were going to be the Manila Folders of ice. They were going to exit from the playoffs in a seventh game for the fifth time in six seasons. They were going to blow a 3-1 series lead. We were going to have the sounds of silence at TD Garden.

That's Our Man Shank - rooting for the loss!