Not Feeling The Excitement

The 2026 World Cup, hosted by Canada, Mexico and the United States this time around, is currently taking place. Here's Shank to take a dump on the event:

We are Boston, so can we stop worrying and just enjoy the World Cup? Doubt it.

The World Cup is here and it’s all the rage in Greater Boston.

You can’t gas up your car, pick up an iced coffee at Dunks, or take a walk through your neighborhood without engaging in a conversation about Haiti vs. Scotland Saturday night in Foxborough. Every grade schooler from Eastport to Block Island knows that French superstar Kylian Mbappé has a chance to break the World Cup’s all-time scoring mark before the month is out. World Cup fever is a local epidemic.

Actually, none of this is true.

Here in the Route 1 corridor between Boston and Foxborough, the vaunted Cup has largely been a source of irritation and inconvenience. Ticket prices are astronomical, transportation promises to be confusing, local municipalities worry about congestion/security, and advocates have warned international fans about heightened immigration scrutiny.

Sounds like a party, no?

There was lots of celebration when FIFA — soccer’s ever-suspicious and all-powerful worldwide governing body — named Boston one of its 11 American host cities in June 2022. But our four-year run-up has been a study in chaos, confusion, and fiscal uncertainty.

Big surprise, right? I mean, did we really expect smooth sailing and universal agreement in a process that involves FIFA, the MBTA, the FBI, the governor of Massachusetts, the mayor of Boston, the mighty Foxborough Select Board, Meet Boston, Robert Kraft’s estimable empire, and mega-sponsors such as Coca-Cola and State Street?

I think that,by and large,these complaints are commonplace with any city that's hosting an event where tens of thousands of people are descending on a stadium for a few hours, so this isn't unique to Boston / Foxborough as Shank's made it out to be. Second - I had a temp job where I worked the five games that were hosted at the okd Foxborough Stadium when the United States hosted the event in 1994, so I've watched it ever since that time. Third - I was at a CVS today and ran into two gents from Scotland, and one of them was wearing a kilt. I talked to them for a few minutes and they mentioned the three hours it took them to get back to Quincy from last night's match at Foxborough, so Shank's right about that part. Still, the point stands - this isn't a uniquely Boston thing.

Shank The Scold

A full four days after a number of folks got their panties in a bunch over the US Women's National (Soccer) Team (USWNT) 13-0 drubbing of Thailand, Shank mounts his high horse Shetland pony and weighs in:

US women’s soccer team running up the score on Thailand was a bad look

My fellow Americans will take to the pitch again Sunday in France, resuming their quest to advance in the Women’s World Cup with a match against woeful Chile.

I have no doubt that victory will be ours. I’m just hoping to see a better demonstration of fair play and sportsmanship.

In case you missed it, on Tuesday the Americans beat Thailand, 13-0, in their opening Cup match. Our players never let up and celebrated every goal with exuberance you’d expect to see if somebody hit a walkoff grand slam in the seventh game of the World Series.

In the aftermath of our World Cup slaughter and the odious, self-congratulations that accompanied each goal (even the ones after we reached double figures), some criticism was aimed at the American squad. This triggered the standard angry defenses from the Colosseum crowd.

I watched the entire match. I do not share that opinion, because nearly all of the goal celebrations went like this - one of the USWNT scored a goal, there was some jumping around, followed by a group hug, then they went back to the center circle. Their objection seems to be that it was done thirteen times.

It goes on from there, but let me state this - Thailand was badly outclassed in every metric - height, size, speed and skill. My prediction before the game was 7-0 but once the 2nd half began the level of physical conditioning between the two teams became eyepopping as well, so the ass kicking wasn't a surprise at all. Furthermore, this is probably the best USWNT side to ever take the pitch, so again, this result isn't surprising, at least to someone who actually watched the whole match.

Conveniently omitted from all this, of course, was this touch of class by USWNT striker Carli Lloyd, but that doesn't fit Shank's agenda, does it?

And all of this, from a columnist who also complains when Tom Brady is still in the game when the Patriots are 'running up the score'. Jagoff.

The World Cup

... is going to start (Russia vs. Saudi Arabia) in a little over an hour, and we should anticipate any manner of Shank's Hot Takes on the subject any time now.

And We Have A Bridge In Brooklyn To Sell You

Shank now claims he loves soccer, supposedly because the guys fixing his car love the game as well. Totally believable!

I gave it one more try. Mocked, ridiculed, and threatened by soccer krishnas around the globe, I pledged to give the Beautiful Game one more chance on the occasion of the World Cup semifinal featuring host country Brazil and Germany.

And it was ugly. Who knew this would end up being the equivalent of the 1940 NFL championship game that resulted in a 73-0 victory for the Chicago Bears over the Washington Redskins? Germany beat Brazil, 7-1, Tuesday. The Germans will play the winner of Wednesday’s Netherlands-Argentina match in Sunday’s World Cup final.

It does not matter. I am sorry for the disgrace of Brazil, but I now love Futbol. I love it because I have seen it through the eyes of the owners, workers, friends, and customers of J & K Auto Body, just a few feet from Oak Square in Brighton.

Liar, douchebag, hypocrite or world-class professional troll - take your pick, or just mix and match.

Ringing with Hate for the Olympics and Ryan

Check this out: Dan Shaughnessy is right about something.

He doesn't think Boston can handle the Olympics.

And we agree.

His rationale, however, like his posture, needs work. "We already are a world-class city," The CHB writes, then proceeds to list all the reasons why Boston is NOT a world-class city: bridge repair, housing, better public schools, an improved MBTA, programs for the disenfranchised, better ways to get in and out of the city. In fact, as anyone who has traveled outside of 495 knows, it is precisely that ability to function that makes a city world class. (That, or in the case of New Orleans, the 365-day Spring Break for adults.)

What we are more curious about is what prompted the long-running lover's quarrel with Bob Ryan, the latest installment of which continues in today's papers.

Today, Ryan says he likes the World Cup. While basically the same column he wrote a couple weeks ago, this is notable because he calls out -- in his lede, no less -- the "xenophobic, American-Sports-Are-The-Only-Sports party poopers" [read: The CHB] who are "ecstatic" because the US lost.

This is a direct response to The CHB's June 23 column in which he happily claims to be done with the World Cup, , assailing the "Futbol Moonies" who call him "an aging, unhip, xenophobic, uncultured dolt." Well, who said he can't be all of that AND a soccer hater?

The ongoing catfight between Tweedledum and Tweedledee is like watching a couple of sickly vagabonds argue over a few crusts of moldy bread. There's literally nothing at stake, but you can't wait to see how it all plays out.

World Cup Ignored

Shank takes another piss on the game of soccer:

It was almost 9 p.m. Tuesday when I finally realized why I was at Fenway on the same day that the US World Cup team played the most important American soccer game of all time.

It came to me when a young man in the Fenway elevator asked if there was any score in the sixth inning of the Red Sox-Cubs game.

“No,’’ I told him. “It’s nil-nil.’’

There it was. The overrated sport of soccer and the overpaid/overhyped Boston Red Sox have one thing in common:

Nil.

And they both lost, 2-1, on Tuesday.

These are your Red Sox. There are your American Futbolers. They should be captained by Nils Lofgren and Zero Mostel. They should endorse Coke Zero. They should star in “Zero Dark Thirty” and promote the Zero-Sum game.

Noted - Dan Shaughnessy hates soccer, except for that one time he didn't (hat tip - Awful Announcing):

That seals it. Soccer has arrived. The Worldwide Leader is right again. Like millions of other Americans, Ken Nigro is setting his Old School Timex to watch today’s women’s World Cup final, featuring the United States and Japan, in Frankfurt.

Count me as one of the last holdouts. I’m one of those ugly Americans who’d normally prefer to stick needles in my eyes than watch soccer. Parental duties required days on the soccer sideline when my kids were little, but that was different. Watching grown-ups play soccer on television has forever been a chore.

So much for consistency!

DHL Dan XXXIII - World Cup Edition

Did you ever get the feeling that Shank isn't the most original columnist around? You would be right!
(hat tip to Tim Marchman at Deadspin)

Stop trying to make Dan Shaughnessy feel guilty about not liking soccer

June 22, 2014


I am done apologizing for not loving soccer. I am guilt-free. This is America. Land of choice. Land of freedom. I choose to ignore the World Cup on television... when the World Cup is over, soccer will be over for most of us. We will go back to football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. And we will not feel guilty about it.

June 17, 1994


Of course, we're going to be made to feel guilty in the upcoming weeks.

July 5, 1990


I just hate watching soccer and I'm getting pretty fed up with the guilt I'm supposed to feel.... We were doing fine before the big guilt trip set in.... Men in foreign lands love their soccer teams the way they love their families. This is great. But do we have to keep feeling guilty because we don't feel this way?... I am through feeling guilty. Call me ignorant. Call me an ugly American.

Soccer fans are strange cultists

June 22, 2014


If you don't like soccer the Futbol Moonies will insist that you are an aging, unhip, xenophobic, uncultured dolt. Soccer is the world's most popular game. It's the game of the future.

June 26, 1994


They are the Soccer Krishnas. They are the Futbol Moonies. They are the Scientologists of Sport... The Soccer Krishnas do not know when to stop... Soccer Krishnas have no sense of humor.... There's only one man on the field who has a clue how much time is left, and the rest of us have to guess. Maybe the Futbol Moonies could sell this to David Stern, Paul Tagliabue and Gary Bettman. It would be a perfect way to make basketball, football and hockey as primitive and mindless as soccer.

June 17, 1994


Nothing is ever enough for these Soccer Krishnas...

Soccer will never be a popular spectator sport in America

June 22, 2014


Millions of kids in our country have been playing soccer for more than 40 years. This has not translated into an adult population of folks who'll pay to watch professional soccer games. Millions of kids also play hopscotch, kickball, and lacrosse. It doesn't mean those games can become mainstream American professional spectator sports.

June 17, 1994


Let's have no more of this "soccer is the next major spectator sport in America." Just because we're indulging the world for a few weeks doesn't mean anybody here really likes watching this stuff...

July 5, 1990


Kids love to play the game. Great. Does that mean we have to pretend it'll someday be a major spectator sport in this country?

There is no sense of progression toward the goal; soccer is just 90 minutes of turnovers

June 22, 2014


Soccer doesn't have natural progression leading up to scores... It's pretty much 90 minutes of turnovers.

June 26, 1994


Soccer to me is 90 minutes of nonstop turnovers with no natural progression to the goal.

July 5, 1990


Like hockey, there is no organized progression toward the goal. It's nonstop turnovers...

Hands are what separate man from beast

June 22, 2014


Soccer takes away our hands. This makes the game incredibly skillful and exhausting, but also robs fans of much of the beauty of sport. Hands and opposable thumbs separate us from creatures of the wild.

June 17, 1994


And what's with the hands? How good can any game be when you can't use your hands? Hands are what separate us from the animal kingdom.

July 5, 1990


Finally, there is the hands problem. Hands and thumbs, that's what separates us from the beasts of the jungle.