Curses! Another Blown Lede

No one loves a good curse more than The CHB. So it stands to reason that today's excrement exercise is one big kiss off to 108 years of Cubs failure

In true Shank fashion, he tries to make poetry out of prose -- "They blew a lead of 6-3 with two out and nobody aboard in the eighth inning. Manager Joe Maddon was being measured for a Grady Little cap. [T]he Cubs ... won it when lefty Mike Montgomery retired Michael Martinez on a grounder to Kris Bryant with the tying run aboard at 12:47 a.m. You could hear Harry Caray hollering'Cubs win' and 'Holy cow' in hardball heaven." -- and in the process completely misses the actual drama of the game. No surprise there.

Even less surprising to those of us who have tortured ourselves to bring you this column for going on 10 years, is his attempt to stick it to the Red Sox in the process. Indeed, this was one of the classic World Series, and Shank spends most of it writing about the Red Sox.

Let's start with Theo Epstein, who has now "has punched his ticket to Cooperstown as the man who killed two curses."

Since The CHB doesn't seem to remember what he previously wrote about Theo, I'll remind him: 

• "Epstein is a student of the game, but it's a mistake to say he knows more about baseball than [Larry] Lucchino or anyone else." 
• "It was charged [in 2005] that Sox management conducted a ''smear campaign" against Epstein. How? Where's the campaign?"   
• "Epstein made a ton of bad moves in the later years of his tenure, then went to Chicago for a $19 million contract and watched from afar as the Sox decomposed. ... Mistakes were made. Money was spent badly. The Sox lost their way and tried to throw money at their problems." 

There's Jon Lester, "who was famously lowballed, then traded, by the smarter-than-everybody Sox in 2014, did what he proved he could do in Boston: he came up big in the big moment. Lester was called upon to pitch in relief and stuffed the Indians for three innings." Well, not exactly. Lester allowed two runs in three innings work, and it was his wild pitch that cut the Cubs lead to 2 in the bottom of the fifth, giving Cleveland hope they could come back.

There's John Lackey, who gave up 3 runs in 5 innings in a Cubs loss Game 5.

There's Terry Francona who "[had] a commanding World Series lead, only to see it implode over the final three games."

Imagine what Shank would have said if this had happened while Francona was managing the Red Sox. Oh wait, it did:

The greatest choke in baseball history ended the only way it could have ended, with the Red Sox gagging on the Camden Yards lawn one last time. ... Say goodbye to Terry Francona. In the midnight confessions, Francona spoke of “the mess we got ourselves in,’’ then said, “We needed to take care of business and we didn’t.’’ 

In historic fashion.

Wouldn't losing a 3 games to 1 lead in the World Series, dropping the final two on your home field, be even worse?

Yes it would. I can think of only one thing worse: Shank's column.

The Obligatory John Lackey Column

With so many former Red Sox players in the World Series this year, Shank could have treated it like he treats spring training - run a different column each day and focus on a single player. Since that's probably too much work for the World Series, we see only a brief example of this when Shank writes about John Lackey.

John Lackey. Did anybody ever have a goofier Red Sox career than him?

Lackey seemed like a perfectly happy guy in the eight years he pitched for the Angels. He was an innings-eater and early in his career demonstrated that he was not afraid of the big stage. When he was a 24-year-old rookie, Lackey pitched and won the seventh game of the World Series against Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants. Joe Maddon was the Angels bench coach. LA’s manager-for-life Mike Scioscia gave Lackey the ball for 12 postseason starts in eight years.

And then the trouble started. Instead of staying in California or going home to Texas (his warm-up music Saturday was Garth Brooks’s “Friends in Low Places), Lackey played out his contract with the Angels, hit the free agent market, and was seduced by Red Sox millions, signing a five-year, $82.5 million deal.

At Fenway he made fast friends with Josh Beckett, Lester, and Clay Buchholz, but Fenway was never a good fit for the tall Texan.

The first thing that didn’t fit was Lackey’s habit of showing up his teammates when they didn’t make a play behind him. To a man, the teammates said it did not bother them, but it looked bad and Boston fans and media were unforgiving. Lackey went 14-11 in his first season playing for Francona.

Any member of the media in particular, Shank?

Lackey has simply got to go. He’s coming off the worst season by a starting pitcher in more than a century of Red Sox baseball, and he’s regularly shown up his teammates and his manager. Bookend all that with his TMZ personal issues and his place in the biscuit brigade and you’ve got a local pariah on a par with none other. The Red Sox are on the hook for three more years to the tune of $45.5 million, but they simply cannot bring him back. Even if they had to eat most of the money. Or all the money.

Waxing Nostalgic

Shank joins the Red Sox road trip, who are in St. Louis to play the Cardinals for a three game series. He runs into John Lackey and attempts to make a negative story out of it.

ST. LOUIS — You could feel the bitterness. Dare we say, hatred?

In his first interview with Hub reporters since he was traded by the Red Sox last Thursday, John Lackey reluctantly submitted to questions from New England sports media in the Cardinals dugout late Tuesday afternoon. I haven’t felt this kind of loathing since walking into the Adrian Gonzalez/Josh Beckett/Carl Crawford charm-fest in Dodger Stadium last summer.

Sorry, but it’s not just media meanies. Lackey’s got a problem with Boston baseball. Why else would he admit he’s OK pitching for the Cardinals for a contractually-agreed-upon $500,000 next season, but not for the Red Sox.

Now let's look at what Lackey actually said:

How did he feel when he heard about the trade?

“Pretty excited, actually,’’ said Lackey. “I wasn’t really surprised. Honestly, this is a good place for me to be. I was pretty happy with where it happened. I’m happy with what happened.’’

He said winning a ring is the only reason he’s still playing. It pleases him to be in position to do this with the Cardinals.

Were there any conversations with the Red Sox regarding extending his minimum major league wage deal for next season?

“No,’’ he said. “Not really. We didn’t get that far ahead.’’

Asked if his new happiness is a direct result of being out of Boston, he countered with, “Absolutely not. I have some great friends on that team that I left. We had a great year last year. It was a ton of fun with those guys. It’s just part of the game.’’

Just a little different, no? Lackey continues on in that vein, and concludes the interview with a Captain Obvious statement:

Lackey grew uncomfortable when he was pressed on his unwillingness to give the Red Sox the guarantee he’s giving the Cardinals.

“You guys are trying to stir stuff up.’’

And.... scene!

He's Green with Envy

The CHB can't figure out the Red Sox.

I know, I know...that's funny and all given that he never could.

But in the wake of the Jon Lester and John Lackey trades, he's trying to understand what the Sox are planning for 2015.

How's this: To do better than in 2014.

Oh, and what bothers him is the money: "The one conclusion we can draw from all this is that the Sox are intent on not overpaying older players," he writes. "No more long-term deals."

That's a dumb conclusion.

For what John Henry et al have been saying is that there are huge downsides to doing such deals. That does not, however, mean they won't 1) sign players to long-term deals or 2) sign older players. But it does mean that being cautious is the coin (get it?) of the realm.

And given the outcomes of the past couple decades, is that a bad thing? In other words, how would you like to be New York right now, paying A-Rod (age 39) and CC Sabathia (33) a combined $28 million this year* -- for a total of eight games played.

The Red Sox might be a large market team -- but they aren't that large.

So "Kansas City on the Charles," Shank? I think not. When was the last time KC won three World Series in 10 years?


*Assuming they pay A-Rod the $3 million owed outside of his suspension.

Bunkered Down

The CHB is presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- Red Sox players spending the night at Fenway Park -- and, as usual, he whiffs, mightily.

It's a column filled with cliche -- "Buchholz pitched like a guy who should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express"; "These are guys who give 'safe at home' a whole new meaning"; a tortured pun on Hotel California -- and the almost obligatory snark about John Lackey's weight and the upper bunk.

That's really the best he come with?  Fat jokes?

Team Redemption?

I find Dan Shaughnessy annoying nearly all the time and at other times duplicitous and mendacious; that is not exactly a news flash to regular readers of this site. What really pisses me off is his repeated attempts at rewriting history, like no one will notice (like he was able to do before the ascent of the internet) when he tries to airbrush his own past handiwork / bashing of athletes when good things happen in the present. No finer example of this can be presented than yesterday's win by the Red Sox over the Tigers in an absolute pitching gem (emphasis mine):

DETROIT — John Lackey is the poster boy for Team Redemption.

Nobody was more loathed coming into this season.

Not even the 'Texas Tough Guy', Josh Beckett?

Lackey got blamed for chicken and beer. He got blamed for Theo Epstein’s bloated payroll. He was blamed for the collapse of 2011. He snarled at the media on that night in New York, asking who called his cellphone. Fans wanted him out of town ASAP. Folks didn’t like the way Lackey showed up his fielders and his manager. Nobody liked the results. In 2011, Lackey had the worst season (6.41 ERA) of any Sox starter in history.

I will point out for the umpteenth time this use of the passive voice by Shaughnessy, a favorite rhetorical device used by douchebag columnists to deflect blame and accountability from themselves by the things they wrote in previous columns, betting that you don't remember any of it. He is nothing short of pure chickenshit when he tries to deploy this subterfuge in a pathetically weak attempt to deflect blame from himself when he was one of the critics right out of the blocks on John Lackey:

Your turn, Josh Beckett. You, too, John Lackey. Time for the rest of the beer-swillin’, biscuit-eatin’, fried-chicken munchin’ Red Sox starting pitchers to fess up.

The 1919 Chicago White Sox had Eight Men Out. The 2011 Red Sox have Three Men and a Bucket of Popeye’s.

The Red Sox hideous off season of 2011 continues, and today we had more truth set free when Jon Lester returned a phone call from the Globe’s Pete Abraham and confirmed information which until now has been only a “sourced report’’: instead of staying on the bench pulling for their struggling teammates, Red Sox starting pitchers were back in the clubhouse drinking beer and diving into the 16-piece family meal ($31.99, includes three large sides and eight biscuits) during the 2011 season.

Then, once Lackey was on the disabled list after Tommy John surgery, it was no longer necessary for the self-righteous columnist to continue his barrage on Lackey, since he was no longer in the news. The damage was done; mission accomplished.

After Lackey beats Justin Verlander in an epic pitching duel? We're good, right?

Now everything has changed, and Tuesday at Comerica Park, Lackey had his finest hour in a Boston uniform. He beat the Detroit Tigers, 1-0, in Game 3 of the American League Championship Series. He outpitched Justin Verlander, a former Cy Young Award winner and Most Valuable Player. Lackey allowed four hits and zero walks, fanning eight before he was lifted (against his will) by manager John Farrell with two out and one aboard in the seventh.

“It was awesome, for sure,’’ said the Gomer Pyle soundalike. “I knew I was going to have to pitch pretty good today.’’
...
All the themes have changed for Lackey. Now he is viewed as a great teammate who takes care of the clubhouse workers and the rest of the “little people” around Fenway. His teammates love hanging with him. He has an unsurpassed work ethic and has lost more weight than Lenny Clarke. Despite getting little run support, he pitched very well throughout the magical 2013 season.

Unbelievable - John Lackey pitches one of the best games of his life and Shank still feels the need to further disparage and take a steaming shit on the guy. He is beneath contempt.

Other than that, I liked the column.

Crying in their Weird

This is what passes for sports reporting in Boston these days: The CHB and some other dude talking about whether John Lackey is now a sympathetic person.

Not about whether he can pitch. Not about whether he can pitch well. But whether the fans (and media, of course) are ready to accept him as a Red Sox.

Sample analysis: "I don't know what we're going to get out of him. ... But first Lackey's gonna need to get back on the field."

Hey, and Silva sounds as effeminate as Shaughnessy. It's Douche Squared.