DHL Dan XXXIII - World Cup Edition

Did you ever get the feeling that Shank isn't the most original columnist around? You would be right!
(hat tip to Tim Marchman at Deadspin)

Stop trying to make Dan Shaughnessy feel guilty about not liking soccer

June 22, 2014


I am done apologizing for not loving soccer. I am guilt-free. This is America. Land of choice. Land of freedom. I choose to ignore the World Cup on television... when the World Cup is over, soccer will be over for most of us. We will go back to football, baseball, basketball, and hockey. And we will not feel guilty about it.

June 17, 1994


Of course, we're going to be made to feel guilty in the upcoming weeks.

July 5, 1990


I just hate watching soccer and I'm getting pretty fed up with the guilt I'm supposed to feel.... We were doing fine before the big guilt trip set in.... Men in foreign lands love their soccer teams the way they love their families. This is great. But do we have to keep feeling guilty because we don't feel this way?... I am through feeling guilty. Call me ignorant. Call me an ugly American.

Soccer fans are strange cultists

June 22, 2014


If you don't like soccer the Futbol Moonies will insist that you are an aging, unhip, xenophobic, uncultured dolt. Soccer is the world's most popular game. It's the game of the future.

June 26, 1994


They are the Soccer Krishnas. They are the Futbol Moonies. They are the Scientologists of Sport... The Soccer Krishnas do not know when to stop... Soccer Krishnas have no sense of humor.... There's only one man on the field who has a clue how much time is left, and the rest of us have to guess. Maybe the Futbol Moonies could sell this to David Stern, Paul Tagliabue and Gary Bettman. It would be a perfect way to make basketball, football and hockey as primitive and mindless as soccer.

June 17, 1994


Nothing is ever enough for these Soccer Krishnas...

Soccer will never be a popular spectator sport in America

June 22, 2014


Millions of kids in our country have been playing soccer for more than 40 years. This has not translated into an adult population of folks who'll pay to watch professional soccer games. Millions of kids also play hopscotch, kickball, and lacrosse. It doesn't mean those games can become mainstream American professional spectator sports.

June 17, 1994


Let's have no more of this "soccer is the next major spectator sport in America." Just because we're indulging the world for a few weeks doesn't mean anybody here really likes watching this stuff...

July 5, 1990


Kids love to play the game. Great. Does that mean we have to pretend it'll someday be a major spectator sport in this country?

There is no sense of progression toward the goal; soccer is just 90 minutes of turnovers

June 22, 2014


Soccer doesn't have natural progression leading up to scores... It's pretty much 90 minutes of turnovers.

June 26, 1994


Soccer to me is 90 minutes of nonstop turnovers with no natural progression to the goal.

July 5, 1990


Like hockey, there is no organized progression toward the goal. It's nonstop turnovers...

Hands are what separate man from beast

June 22, 2014


Soccer takes away our hands. This makes the game incredibly skillful and exhausting, but also robs fans of much of the beauty of sport. Hands and opposable thumbs separate us from creatures of the wild.

June 17, 1994


And what's with the hands? How good can any game be when you can't use your hands? Hands are what separate us from the animal kingdom.

July 5, 1990


Finally, there is the hands problem. Hands and thumbs, that's what separates us from the beasts of the jungle.

He Gets No Kicks from Soccer

The CHB doesn't care for soccer, so he writes a 948-word piece to tell us.

OK, fine, lots of people don't like soccer (or football, as the rest of the world calls it). But let's look at Shank's rationale:

1. "Soccer doesn’t have much scoring." Watch hockey lately?

2. "How would we have even known the athletic greatness of Pedro Martinez, Larry Bird, Bobby Orr or Tom Brady if they could not have used their hands? Soccer takes our hands out of the game."  Except, of course, that soccer involves running, which requires, you know,

3.Soccer lovers tend to be an elitist, intolerant lot." Those last three words perfectly describe Shaughnessy. Projection!

4. The US hasn't adopted the metric system, therefore we will never adopt soccer.  Seriously; that's his point.)

Shank also takes yet another opportunity to bash Bob Ryan. What kind of lover's spat did these two clowns get into, anyway?

Next week, The CHB will tell us how he doesn't like cooking.

*Larry Bird watch!

Just A Pinch

Two days after its publication, The Boston Globe decides to publish Shank's most recent column in his normal space.

Smokeless kills.

And yet big league ballplayers, coaches, and managers still use smokeless tobacco.

Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn died of salivary gland cancer Monday at the age of 54. Gwynn blamed his mouth cancer on his habit of dipping smokeless tobacco during his 20-year career with the San Diego Padres.

It’s a baseball thing, and it’s killing players, and many don’t want to stop. Or they can’t stop.

Clay Buchholz and Dustin Pedroia, two Red Sox stars with young children, addressed their bad habit before Tuesday night’s game against the Minnesota Twins at Fenway Park.

Notable by their absence are Shank's hyperbole and self-righteousness that you'd expect to see with columns such as this one.

Greg Colbrunn

Shank piles on the Red Sox and reports on Red Sox coach Greg Colbrunn's brain hemorrhage.

BALTIMORE — It was a terrible trip.

It was a terrible trip because the Sox went 2-7 in Cleveland, Detroit, and Baltimore. It was a terrible trip because the Sox lost six straight after the return of Stephen Drew, then watched Drew strain an oblique muscle and miss the entire Oriole series. It was a terrible trip because the Sox were six games out when they left Boston, and they are nine games out as they ready themselves for Tito and the Tribe Thursday night at Fenway. It was a terrible trip because of interminable rain delays in Baltimore at the end of the junket. It was a terrible trip because the Red Sox can . . . not . . . hit (one run in 27 innings at Camden Yards). And they were dangerously close to going 0-9 on the tour through traditional American League cities.

Most of all — for the Sox ballplayers, manager, coaches, and support staff — it was a terrible trip because hitting coach Greg Colbrunn suffered a brain hemorrhage on the final day in Cleveland and was still at the Cleveland Clinic when the Sox returned to Boston in the early hours Thursday morning.

A baseball team is much more than 25 guys playing three-plus hours of hardball every night. A baseball team is a multilayered family with individuals from diverse cultural, educational, and economic backgrounds.

Best wishes to Mr. Colbrunn and his family.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Shank's down on Red Sox third baseman Will Middlebrooks:

BALTIMORE — He’s a real Nowhere Man.

Will Middlebrooks broke his right index finger trying to catch a screaming liner off the bat of Ian Kinsler May 16. Four days later, Stephen Drew signed a $10 million contract to play the rest of this season with the Red Sox.

After signing Drew, the Sox brass sat down with Xander Bogaerts and gently broke the news to the rookie that he’d be moving from shortstop to third base for the rest of the year.

Nobody in the Sox front office said anything to Middlebrooks after the Drew signing. And no one really notices him now as he travels with the Sox and hopes to be ready to DH in the minors some time soon.

Those of us who connect dots for a living assume that Middlebrooks’s days with the organization are numbered. It’s as if his time has come and gone before the age of 26.

As Mike noted with yesterday's column with respect to Stephen Drew, Shank writes a lot of this column with a template that shifts ever so slightly from the last one - start the column with a lame song lyric, conveniently ignores what he wrote two weeks ago when he bitched about the lack of farm system help and then mentions two of them in this column, briefly recaps Middelbrooks' career, then raise some questions that are, in part, designed to create controversy.

Classic Shank, with a twist of lime!

Drawn to Drew

Today's column on Stephen Drew's return is The CHB at his formulaic best (or is that worst?).

An attempt at a pithy lede that ends up as a non sequitur. A string of insults gleaned from a day spent listening to talk radio. A recap of the subject's history. And an attempt at stirring up a controversy where none exists -- or is even necessary.

Yep, classic Shank.

Old School Shank

Are you surprised when The CHB takes a thread and pulls it until the entire "I'm Not With Stupid, I AM Stupid" t-shirt unravels?

Not us.

As such, we didn't bat an eye (get it?) when Shank used an otherwise innocuous David Ortiz comment about how David Price should have been suspended for throwing at (and hitting) Red Sox batters after being warned as an opportunity to rehash every insult -- real and imagined -- that Big Papi allegedly has inflicted on the game.

Keep in mind that The CHB, by his own admission, is about the only one bothered by Papi's comments. Shank's anger over Manny Ramirez being feted as part of the 2004 World Series winners must be carrying over.

Ted Williams routinely disrupted his team, played middling defense, defied his managers and ignored baseball etiquette. Carl Yastrzemski attempted to start his own league, publicly ripped his teammates, was fined for not hustling, and used PEDs (greenies).

Here's what Jim Bouton wrote about Yaz in Ball Four:

Yastrzemski was recently fined $500 for loafing and I've been keeping an eye on him. Sure enough, he hit a ball to second base today and loafed all the way to first. I'm afraid Yastrzemski has a bit of dog in him. Always did, and people around baseball knew it all the time. When things are going good Yastrzemski will go all out. When things aren't going so well he'll give a half-ass effort. But he's got so much ability that the only thing you can do is put up with him. 

Sound familiar?

The CHB likes to pretend he's part of the (self-appointed) old school of baseball, guarding the keys to the kingdom and making unilateral determinations as to who is -- and who isn't -- "right" when it comes to playing America's Pastime.

But then again, Papi is Hispanic, and no one in sports today does old school racism like The CHB.

What A Difference Ten Days Makes

Funny how a seven game winning streak can change your perspective on the 2014 Boston Red Sox:

By the fourth inning of Sunday afternoon’s game, the Red Sox had No. 70, Garin Cecchini, batting third, and No. 68, Alex Hassan, batting sixth — both players making their major league debuts. The Sox also had a rookie in center, a rookie at short, Brock Holt at first, and Jonathan Herrera at second.

Fort Myers in March?

No. Fenway Park in June. And with Jon Lester dominating from the mound, the Green Sox played near perfect baseball in a 4-0 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays.

Ten days ago, one of Shank's complaints about the team was a lack of input from the minor league system. Now, it's a feature!

Also, from that article - plenty of reasons were thrown around as to why the Red Sox weren't good, but you'd be hard pressed to find any commensurate analysis or opinion from Shank in today's column about why this team has 'suddenly' rebounded.

The One Where Shank Found His Balls

Shank's doing Shank things again, ripping Red Sox players and the rest of the club:

Red Sox headlines I’d love to see:

Manny finds God, Sox lose minds

Let me see if I have this straight: Manny Ramirez hit like Jimmie Foxx for 7½ seasons in Boston, but it turned out he was cheating with PEDs the whole time. His name appeared on the list of 104 players who tested positive in 2003, and later he was twice suspended for failing drug tests. He’s the only big league star who got caught three times.

Ramirez also regularly ignored the kids from the Jimmy Fund and the soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital. He was arrested for hitting his wife. In his final year with the Red Sox, 2008, he assaulted a 65-year-old Sox employee over a ticket request, then quit on the team in midsummer, forcing a trade after staging a sit-down strike.

After quitting on the Sox, he went to Los Angeles and hit .396 with 17 homers and 53 RBIs in the final 53 games of the season. Without Ramirez, the Sox went on to lose the seventh game of the 2008 AL Championship Series to the Tampa Bay Rays.

So what happens? On the night the Sox chose to honor the most important team in their 114-year history, they made Manny the featured character. After legitimate Sox gods Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, and Curt Schilling were asked to step aside — Bloody Sock Schill was making his first public appearance while in the throes of a serious battle with cancer — Manny came out from the Green Monster and had the honor of throwing the ceremonial first pitch.

I wonder if Shank cleared this column with John Henry first?

UPDATE at 1:24 PM - Did Shank and Kirk Minihane co-write this column or something?

First, I'm on the anti-Manny side of this. A serial steroid abuser, a guy who quit on his team, skipping Jimmy Fund after Jimmy Fund event, blowing off Walter Reed, beating up old guys and his own wife -- we all know the greatest hits. He's personified everything that's been wrong with baseball the last 15 years, and the Red Sox decide to give him above-the-title billing for the 10th anniversary celebration of the 2004 World Series champions Wednesday? A stunningly tone-deaf move by the Red Sox, basically endorsing all the many transgressions of Ramirez.

Changeup

Shank takes a break from bashing and second guessing the local professional sports teams and avoids the grueling commute from Newton to Morrissey Boulevard to profile Newton North's Joe Siciliano:

Tuesday afternoon at the corner of Hull Street and Lowell Avenue in Newton, 67 year-old Joe Siciliano ran baseball practice — just as he has done every May weekday since 1987.

Putting his guys through base-running and relay drills, Siciliano looked as enthusiastic as Pete Carroll on the sideline with the Seahawks in Super Bowl XLVIII. The old gray coach was laughing, grimacing, and gesturing nonstop. He was pumped and jacked as his teenage ballplayers went about their business with purpose and pleasure. A boring fundamental drill was somehow worthwhile and fun as the Tigers prepared for Game 1 of the inaugural Super 8 tournament. Top-seeded North (19-1) opens at home Wednesday afternoon against Catholic Memorial.

Joe Siciliano. Everyman. Teacher, coach, groundskeeper, grandfather, baseball lifer, sculptor of young souls. Every town should have one.

Here's the interesting part, at least for me:

[Disclosure: My son played four seasons for Joe Siciliano from 2003-06.]

I met with one of my clients in Newton a few months ago during tax season. I mentioned DSW to him, and he mentioned the fact that he used to coach kids in baseball some years ago. While he didn't mention if he was coaching at Newton North or whether it was Pony League, Babe Ruth or some other organized baseball, he did mention one of the kids by name - Sam Shaughnessy. Nearly every parent gave my client their condolences, thinking Shank was going to be a typically overbearing parent, demanding his kid play center field, or whatever. As it turns out, it was the complete opposite - Shank was cool as a cucumber, nice as pie, didn't yell or scream, etc. A pleasant surprise!

Strawman

Shank devotes a column to 'debunking' some alleged myths about this year's Red Sox team, as some sort of explanation for their recent losing streak, with a serving of Dan's favorite dish:

But the blame pie is large and a few myths need to be exposed.

Myth No. 1: The Sox are losing because of injuries.
...
Myth No. 2: The 2014 Red Sox don’t need to apologize for this early slump because this is not the same team as last year.

The first two are pure inventions by Shank; I have not seen any other local sports writer or talking head mention either of these two 'myths', hence the strawman angle.

Myth No. 3: The Red Sox have a great farm system.

They do, in fact, but Shank uses the lack of immediate help from Pawtucket as support for this 'myth'. I say that's bogus.

Myth No. 4: The swap with the Dodgers in August of 2012 was the greatest trade in the history of the Red Sox, and the Dodgers were complete fools to make that deal.

So Shank wants the Red Sox not only to be able to unload unfavorable contracts, but also expects a good number of MLB-ready players in return? I don't think it works that way. This is called 'trying to have it both ways'.

Myth No. 5: The Red Sox did not object to Yunel Escobar taking third base with a five-run lead in the eighth Sunday; they were only bothered because Escobar was chirping at the Boston dugout.

This isn't a myth, it's a dispute as to how a baseball 'fight' got started.

Other than that, it was a good column...

DHL Dan - XXXII

Unwilling to rag on the Red Sox and their nine game losing streak, not having anything recent to use to beat the crap out of the New England Patriots, Shank sets his sights high:

Boston’s Green Team is tangled up in blue.

What a week for the local franchises. The Red Sox kindled memories of the Butch Hobson/Bobby Valentine days. We all know the Bruins should still be skating. It’s still impossible to walk by any television featuring the image of the Montreal Canadiens and New York Rangers in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Ugh.

So, what happened with the Celtics?

More bad luck. More nothing. And a creeping sensation that the Celtics might be bad and irrelevant for a while.

Shank basically took Wyc Grousbeck's appearance on 'Felger & Mazz' from earlier this week, added his trademark negative spin, throws in a few names of former Celtics players, and repeats the sentiment, widely and numerously mentioned on Boston sports media the past week, that we should trade the pick and do whatever it takes to land Kevin Love from the Minnesota Timberwolves, and throws it all into a column. How lazy is that?

Mute Button Is On - II

The Red Sox have now lost seven games in a row, so you'd expect Shank to blow a gasket and pull a nutty on the team, its management as well as ownership, like he used to as recently as a year ago, right?

WRONG!

Maybe the 2014 Red Sox just aren’t very good.

The free-falling Sox (ode to Tom Petty?) were routed at Fenway Park again Thursday and have now lost seven in a row. Ace Jon Lester tried to stop the bleeding in the late-afternoon series finale, but fell behind, 7-1, in the second inning of a 7-2 loss.

That’s three straight to the Blue Jays, after three straight Fenway losses to the Tigers as the Sox were blanked in a homestand of six or more games for the first time since Daddy Butch Hobson was at the wheel in the rotten old days of 1994.

In previous years, Shank would ream everybody in the Red Sox organization, including the grounds crew. This time around? It's pretty much the team's fault for not being very good.

Mute Button Is On

It's not really a surprise that Shank waited until after Stephen Drew was signed by the Red Sox to offer up a milquetoast take on the Sox' recent performance:

So there. The free-falling Red Sox are not giving up on the season, after all. They are not going to commit consumer fraud by selling “championship-driven” when they are actually giving you a bridge year. They are not going to pretend they are smarter than everybody else, just because things went perfectly last season.

They are not going to be hard-headed. They are willing to admit a mistake.

The Xander Bogaerts-at-short/Will Middlebrooks-at-third experiment was officially dissolved Tuesday when the Red Sox re-signed Stephen Drew as their shortstop for the remainder of the 2014 season.

This is a good move, and I’m not just saying that because John Henry (a.k.a. “greatest person ever”) owns the Boston Globe. (ha, that's a good one! - ed.) It’s a good move because it makes the Sox better for the rest of this season. It’s an indication that — despite the dreadful start to this title defense — the Sox know the American League East is up for grabs and they are still going for it this year.

Compare and contrast this tone to that of one of his columns from two years ago.

Nabob Of Negativity Expected

The Boston Red Sox have just been swept in a three game home series by the Detroit Tigers this weekend. Dan Shulman of ESPN mentioned during the game that this is the Red Sox's first four game losing streak since 2012 and the first sweep by Detroit of the Red Sox in a home series since 1983, the year after I got out of high school.

Under normal circumstances, Shank would be at Defcon Fucking 1 with his next Red Sox column, which ought to hit the shelves any moment now, allowing him the opportunity to take a massive steaming shit on the Red Sox's performance so far this year. Since the most recent majority owner of the Red Sox is John Henry, who also just happens to be Shank's employer, the Boston Globe, does anyone out there think Shank will bite the Marcellus Wallace ball gag of criticism with the recent Red Sox's performance?

Speaking Of Tired Acts...

Stop me if you've heard this one before - Shank devotes a good chunk of a 'picked up pieces' column to bash the New England Patriots:

The Patriots and their fans need to retire “The Patriot Way.’’ No more, please. No more television commentators (this means you, Cris Collinsworth) watching a former bad guy rip up some yardage for the Patriots and announcing, “These players have baggage, but when they come here, it all goes away!’’

Convicted felon Nu’Keese Richardson is the latest troubled soul to get a shot with the Patriots. Nothing wrong with that. We are a land of second chances.

In other words: drafting Aaron Hernandez = bad; inviting Nu’Keese Richardson to try out with the Patriots = good. Contradict yourself much?

Later in the column, he describes former Celtic Kevin Garnett thusly:

Kevin Garnett was a no-show on the court and in the locker room after the Nets bowed out against the Heat Wednesday night. Tired act by a tired man.

Written without a hint of irony...

Wish Finally Granted

The bad news - the Bruins lost game 7 to the Canadiens, 3-1.

The good news? It's Shank's last hockey column for months and months!

This point cannot be stressed enough: when a local team loses, Shank puts forth far more effort and verbiage into his columns. I think it's equivalent to shoveling more dirt on the grave to make sure the dead guy's good and buried.

OK to melt the ice at the New Garden before Thursday night’s Barry Gibb show. Perhaps the surviving Bee Gee can dedicate “Tragedy” or “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?” to the 2013-14 Bruins.

The Bruins dissolved in front of our eyes in Game 7 Wednesday night. They were dominated by the Montreal Canadiens, 3-1.

Ugh.

This one goes into the Boston Professional Sports Hall of Pain, right there with Ken Dryden stuffing the Bruins in 1971 and too many men on the ice in 1979. It goes in there alongside some of the Red Sox collapses of the last century.

And who better to escort the 2013-2014 Bruins to that Hall of Pain than our very own Nabob of Negativity, Dan Shaughnessy?

Please Stop Writing About Hockey - II

Shank's Tuesday afternoon column is, well, let him say it:

Call me a homer. Call me predictable.

Throw in some lame song lyrics, rehash one of your previous Bruins / Canadiens columns, work the Red Sox into the column again and...

We have no shortage of hyperbole when it comes to Hub vs. Habs in playoff hockey.

Another underwhelming column, to say the least...

Please Stop Writing About Hockey, Shank

Not to go on a rant here, but today's column on the Bruins 4 - 2 win over the Canadiens (or, in Shank's self-satisfied mind, the Bleu, Blanc, et Rouge) is Shank at his laziest worst. It sucks so bad I refuse to sample any of it in this post. It's his typical cookie-cutter, formula driven piece of utter garbage, completely flooded with cliché after cliché after cliché, toss in a few annoying samples of the French language, and what Shaughnessy column is complete without not just one, but two Red Sox references?

I can barely contain my enthusiasm for his next cliché riddled piece of Bruins prose...

I'm Shocked!

Shocker # 1 - Bruins beat the Canadiens, 1 - 0, in overtime last night.

Shocker # 2 - Shank does a column on a Bruins win.

MONTREAL — Matt Fraser was standing in the hallway, shoeless, skateless, wearing the Bruins’ hero jacket, and still sweating from overtime. He said he’d had lunch at Chipotle in Providence Wednesday before he got the call to the Stanley Cup playoffs. He said he’d topped off lunch with some frozen yogurt. He thought back to his youth hockey days “playing in outdoor rinks in Canada.’’ He said he had to remember to call his parents. He said, “I’m still shaking with excitement.’’

The Bruins beat the Canadiens, 1-0, in overtime on a goal by Fraser off a scramble in front of the net 79 seconds into the fourth period of Game 4 Thursday. This spectacular series is now guaranteed to go at least six games and Fraser has secured a place in Boston sports lore.

It's a typical Shank type of column - focus on the outstanding player, give the standard game recap and make at least one inane comment:

If Norman Rockwell had dabbled in hockey, he’d have created Matt Fraser.

Killing Me Softly

Shank's Thursday column expands on the Bruins - Canadiens series and focuses on the best player in the series so far, P.K. Subban:

MONTREAL — He is Pernell Karl “P.K.” Subban, and you cannot take your eyes off him. He is Montreal’s best player and he is the man who is thus far killing the Bruins in their conference semifinal series.

Subban is everywhere on the ice. He is in the middle of all the action. He has scored three goals in three games and he is, in the words of former Celtics general manager Jan Volk, “the consummate provocateur.’’

It is hard to remember anyone who has made more news in the first three games of any playoff series. Subban has 6 points in three games and has been involved in multiple controversies. He has thus far been better than (gulp) Zdeno Chara.

Overall, a pretty good column by the Shankster; his better columns, naturally, come at the expense of the local teams. Funny how that works!

The Boston Globe's Answer To Old Faithful

Is there anything more predictable than a Shank column on the Boston Bruins following a playoff loss?

MONTREAL — The Bruins are the better team. This is what the hockey folks keep saying (someone forget the personal pronoun there? - ed). This is what the regular-season record shows. The Bruins won the Presidents’ Trophy, earning home ice advantage throughout the playoffs. The Bruins are better than the Canadiens at the five-on-five game. The Bruins play a heavy game. They will overwhelm Montreal with Maximum Heaviosity.

Hmmm. This sounds like what folks in Detroit were saying last October when they played the Red Sox in the American League Championship Series. The Tigers were clearly better. Just like the 2007 Patriots were clearly better than the New York Giants. Just like the ’84 Lakers were better than the Celtics.
...
Still, there is something nagging about this series.

If I hadn't been reading this crap for the better part of three decades, I'd say that the thing nagging me would be Shank's relentlessly negative tone of a solid majority of his columns, especially the ones involving Bruins playoff losses.

Buoyed by their Game 2 comeback at the Garden, the Bruins arrived in Quebec prepared to assume the role of Big Bad Bears. The Bruins’ decidedly bland postgame remarks from Saturday had been magically manipulated by the locals to make them appear cocky and ready for a fall. The Montreal Gazette led its Tuesday sports section with a nifty column by veteran Pat Hickey under the flaming headline, “Habs play down Boston’s trash talk.’’

Or as we call it in Boston, stealing a page from the Shaughnessy playbook. Great job, guys!

Trolling the 'Trolls'

Saturday's beers turn into Sunday's whines.

See if you can pick out the ironies:

The CHB, complaining about unfounded criticism: "When did anonymous Twitter trolls become a representation of the collective thought of any region? Tough-guy social media cowards are the same folks who used to write on the bathroom wall in high school. It’s a mistake to give them voice and there’s no need for a franchise to apologize for anonymous nitwits who could be spreading hate from anywhere. Stop the madness."

"Nothing against Ty Law and Raymond Clayborn, but Bill Parcells deserves to be in the Patriots Hall of Fame ahead of anyone else currently drawing a breath." Ever heard of Tom Brady?

"The Celtics went 25-57 this year. So why do I keep hearing that just about all of the players are coming back?" How often do NBA teams keep their rosters? (Try never.) How often does Danny Ainge telegraph his intentions? (Same answer.)

"Surprised there was so little commentary last Sunday when John Farrell elected to 'rest' David Ortiz against the Blue Jays.The Sox are having trouble scoring runs." Papi is 38, has no knees, and the Red Sox are built to win with pitching and defense. Toronto, meanwhile, has scored the most runs in the division ... and is in last place.

"[T]he shrinking number of black big leaguers is probably owed to a dearth of college scholarship opportunities more than anything else. College baseball has become the domain of affluent white players from suburban communities. The NCAA allows only 11.7 scholarships for a college baseball team (football gets 85), which means that programs with rosters of more than 30 players are cutting almost all scholarships into partial packages. Skilled high school athletes have betters odds of acquiring full scholarships if they play football or basketball." Basketball gets...13. Do we really think that extra 1.3 scholarships is a difference maker? Moreover, those numbers are for D-1 only. Once D-2, D-3 and NAIA and JCs are accounted for, free rides for baseball overwhelm those for hoops by a count of 24 to 15. Finally, the NBA won't draft high schoolers. MLB does.

"Here’s Larry Lucchino mocking the Yankees in Fort Myers Feb. 21: “They are still, this year at least, relying heavily on their inimitable old-fashioned Yankee style of high-priced, long-term free agents. I can’t say I wish them well, but I think we have taken a different approach. If you compare what we did last year in the offseason with what they’ve done this year, there’s quite a difference." The Red Sox are 31 games into the season and the Yankees actually have the worst run differential in the division. Let's see where they are in September, shall we? 

"This is the trend [in public relations]. Control the message. Grips are overlapping (John Henry, for instance, owns the Globe, in case you had not heard), conflicts abound, lines are blurred, and true independence is hard to find." What's more important: independence or fairness?

"Alert to sports journalists: Time to stop with the “how” questions. They’ve become epidemic even though they are lazy and largely unanswerable." Right. But accusing anyone over 30 who hits a few homers of using steroids is good reporting, right?

Tough To Stomach

The only bad thing about this time of year is Shaughnessy covering hockey.

I couldn't agree with that comment any more. Shank's Friday column is, naturally, the Bruins 4 - 3 double OT loss to the Montreal Canadiens, so let's drop some names to make it look like he knows what he's talking about:

Paying homage to Bobby Orr, Maurice Richard, Milt Schmidt, and Guy Lafleur, the Bruins and Canadiens skated toward midnight in the first game of their 34th playoff series Thursday night. It was spectacular hockey and at times it felt like they’d still be playing when folks from Northeastern University lined up to get diplomas Friday morning, but it ended badly for Boston when P.K. Subban blasted a slapper past Tuukka Rask in the fifth minute of the second overtime.

Montreal 4, Boston 3.

Ugh.

This was a kick to the stomach. The most-hated guy on the most-hated team came into our town and won it with a blazing slap shot in the early seconds of a power play. The Bruins had outplayed the hated Habs for almost all of the third and fourth periods, outshooting Montreal, 28-12, in that 40-minute stretch. But they were beaten after Patrice Bergeron lost a faceoff in the Boston zone at the start of a penalty kill.

Throw in some inane comparisons, mention with fantastic glee the Canadiens' historical playoff success against the Bruins, and feign solidarity with Bruins fans:

And so, we worry.

He's not worrying one damn bit - he's busy pounding water so he can take a huge piss on the Bruins if / when they lose the next game.

Historical footnote - this is the DSW's 1,500th post - whoopee!

Color Him Wrong

In his assessment of the NBA's decision to ban Clippers owner Donald Sterling for making racist remarks, The CHB compares rookie NBA commissioner Adam Silver to that legendary MLB head Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

Ironically in a column about judges and judgments, Shank gets both the spirit and the facts wrong.

CHB: "Critics of Silver and the NBA raise legitimate questions about the NBA being late to the party in disciplining Sterling. ... Without the proverbial smoking gun, the NBA was neither encouraged nor empowered to remove Sterling."

Wrong. The NBA began fining Sterling for his various transgressions as far back as 1982, and in November 2009, Sterling agreed to a fine of $2.73 million, plus another $5 million in court and legal costs, to settle federal and local charges of housing discrimination. And that doesn't include the alleged witness intimidation charges leveled by police after Sterling's then-teenage son shot a friend in a dispute over a girl. The gun, it appears, was literally smoking. The bigger issue is whether the NBA wants to be in the business of firing its owners, a move that assuredly will diminish the allure of the franchises, since that it takes an already rare combination of huge egos and huge wallets to even get in the game, and those who attain both are not generally open to being told what to do.

But let's look at the comparison of Commissioner Silver and Judge Landis. Silver, and the NBA in general, have been the hands-down leader in racial integration and acceptance. The first all-black starting lineup? NBA. First black head coach? NBA. First black general manager? NBA. First black majority owner of a professional sports team? NBA. Silver is inheriting a long tradition of embracing minorities in every role.

Landis, by contrast, is probably the single most responsible person for perpetuating the unwritten ban on minorities in major league baseball. Even those critics who argue Landis was not a racist tend to agree that he did nothing to try to change the status quo. All Landis has in common with his NBA brethren, it would seem, is a title.

Given The CHB's well-documented stance on minorities -- "prima donnas" -- it is apropos he wrote this column. Given his track record, however, we're surprised he is taking Silver's side.

Compare And Contrast

Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy, 60, one mile per day on the treadmill.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 62, half marathon in 2:36:46.

MIA

I'm kind of surprised that Shank didn't pile on with the release of the recent Donald Sterling tapes. Isn't Shank's occasional talent (I'll use that term loosely) for self-righteousness tailor made for a story like that?

Rewriting History - IV

The New York Yankees arrived yesterday to play a three game series against the Red Sox. Our Man Shank was there to focus on former Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury:

Let’s play Sports Jeopardy.

Answer: Johnny Damon, Adam Vinatieri, Ray Allen . . . Jacoby Ellsbury.

Question: Name four Boston athletes who performed admirably in championship seasons, then were booed by Hub fans because they returned to Boston wearing the wrong laundry.

Ellsbury’s handsome head was added to the Rushmore of Fan Stupidity Tuesday night when the majority of Red Sox fans in attendance gave him the old Bronx cheer when he came to bat against former teammate Jon Lester leading off the first inning at Fenway.

This guy says they were 'kinda sorta', 'half-assed' boos, so I'm inclined to believe that Shank's exaggerating here.

What's halfway interesting about this column is Shank's newfound appreciation for Ellsbury:

And in the distance, I could swear I heard Bob Lobel ask, “Why can’t we get players like that?’’

...

He’s never going to tell us if he harbors any bad feelings about his medical treatment from the Sox staff or the team’s indifference when he became a free agent last winter. It’s kind of admirable.

I wonder if he's ever going to tell us if he harbors any bad feelings about certain Boston Globe sports columnists?

Bunkered Down

The CHB is presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- Red Sox players spending the night at Fenway Park -- and, as usual, he whiffs, mightily.

It's a column filled with cliche -- "Buchholz pitched like a guy who should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express"; "These are guys who give 'safe at home' a whole new meaning"; a tortured pun on Hotel California -- and the almost obligatory snark about John Lackey's weight and the upper bunk.

That's really the best he come with?  Fat jokes?

Switchback

Shank writes a column on the Bruins 4 - 1 win over the Red Wings that, while not exactly contradicting Saturday's column, is most definitely a 180 degree turn from it:

Did anyone seriously think the Bruins could lose this game, in this city, on this weekend?

It wasn't Shank, at least not before the game.

Our team. Our town. Our holiday.

The Bruins defeated the estimable Detroit Red Wings, 4-1, on Easter Sunday, squaring their first-round Stanley Cup playoff series, 1-1. Playing in front of the customary 17,565 — some of whom probably gave up swearing, drinking, and/or fighting for Lent — the Bruins came out in smash-mouth mode and took it to the visitors, erasing any ridiculous possibility that this would be the final home game of a dominant 2013-14 season.

Is this 'possibility' an answer to a question no one has asked?

Behind The 8 Ball

Well, the title of this post makes as much sense as Shank writing about Boston Bruins hockey, which is why it's done with such infrequency.

Shank took advantage of the Bruins' 1 - 0 loss to Detroit on Friday night to accentuate the positive things about this year's Bruins team and their run into the playoffs:

You knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

It doesn’t matter that the Bruins won the Presidents’ Trophy. That might as well be the James Polk Trophy.

It doesn’t matter that the Bruins lost only four times in regulation over the final 36 games of the regular season.

It doesn’t matter that Boston scored 84 more goals than its opponents, winning 54 games in a season that was mildly reminiscent of the 1970-71 campaign when the Bruins dominated hockey, then lost in the first round to a Montreal Canadiens team with a young goalie named Ken Dryden.

No. These Bruins don’t do it the easy way and the NHL — unlike other sports — makes it possible for you to play a tough team in the first round even after you dominate the field during the regular season.

I think it's called scheduling, actually.

And now with the Bruins tying the series with this afternoon's 4 - 1 win over the Red Wings, do we get a Shank column about the Bruins on Monday that completely contradicts what he wrote on Saturday? Stay tuned!

Overrun

Aw for chrissakes! (It's Easter; just had to get that in.)

The CHB thinks no one outside Boston had heard or -- or cared about -- the Boston Marathon prior to last year's bombing.

Friends and relatives in other parts of the country could never be expected to understand any of it. We were the only ones who acknowledged Patriots Day and found nothing odd about a major league baseball game starting annually at 11 a.m. on the third Monday of April. We were the only ones who knew Clarence DeMar, Johnny Kelley, Billy Rodgers, the Hoyts, and Heartbreak Hill.

Seriously?

Has he not heard the names of the past winners? Lelisa Desisa Benti? Wesley Korir? Geoffrey Mutai? How many of these folks grew up with the O'Learys and the O'Malleys down on Center St in Rozzie?

The last time an American won the women's division was 1985; the men's was 1983, or about the last time The CHB went to the can without a cocktail in hand. This is a major international race, watched all over the world, the first leg (get it?) of the Marathon Grand Slam.

And no, contrary to Shank's melodramatic prose, the Marathon does not stand as "a symbol of American freedom and a population refusing to cower to terrorism." That would be the Freedom Tower.

No, the Marathon is an event, not a monument. And healing will come when overwrought sportswriters describe it for what it is, and nothing more.

Rewriting History - III

Shank, as is his usual Tuesday gig, appeared on the Gresh & Zo radio show to deliver this absolute whopper:

“This start is somewhat predictable,” Shaughnessy said. “As I keep reminding everybody, they weren’t that good last year. They weren’t this dominant team that just steamrolled everybody. They were really good, they won 97, everything came together, they got super hot at the end.”

While I must note that Shank was careful in the wording of those statements, and with the possible exception of this February '14 column, I find no written evidence of Shank actually predicting, or mentioning, or hinting of a slow start prior to his Sunday column, and making what amounts to ex post facto statements of a slow Red Sox start renders the point moot, doesn't it?

As a matter of fact, Shank declared "Everything is Awesome" twelve days ago, and a glorious day for Boston the next day. He only started saying this stuff on Sunday, when the Red Sox were well into racking up more losses than wins. Once again, are you really standing on firm ground when, in typical Shank fashion, you jump on or off a bandwagon and make self-serving (and demonstrably misleading) statements two days later? Consistency has never been his strong suit.

Bruce Allen over at Boston Sports Media Watch must have lost a bet recently. He decided (or he was possessed by demons) to examine Shank's 100 most recent columns, the result being further support of the point made above - that Shank turned on a dime, wrote one column on Sunday pointing out the shortcomings of the 2014 Red Sox, then goes on local sports talk radio and basically misleads the audience with the barest mention of the timeframe in which Shank now draws this 'conclusion' of his. I sure hope some of the callers pointed this out while he was still in the radio booth.

Baseball's Instant Replay System

... is not currently in favor with Red Sox manager John Farrell:

NEW YORK — Those of us who remember watching Jack Nicholson Five-Star Nutties by Earl Weaver and Billy Martin feared those days might be over with the introduction of manager’s challenges and video replays in 2014.

Not so fast. Red Sox manager John Farrell got into it with first base umpire Bob Davidson Sunday night and was ejected for arguing a reversed call that went against the Sox. The disputed play provided the Yankees with the deciding run in a nationally televised 3-2 victory over the reeling (losers of seven of 10), last-place Red Sox.

Lip readers were pretty sure that Farrell told Davidson to do something anatomically impossible with the MLB replay system.

I have much the same reaction after reading certain Dan Shaughnessy columns...

Abject Nonsense

Today we are treated to Shank's conversation with himself over the merits of the Red Sox, some 13 games into the 2014 Championship Season.

It's a column filled in equal parts with the patently obvious -- "it’s very early ... put baseball on the shelf and check back to see where the Sox are in mid-June when the Stanley Cup playoffs are finally over" and plain old "duhs" -- "with each day that passes we are reminded just how hard it is to win 97 games and just how unlikely that championship ride was last October."

But there's also lots of crazy projections from the man who wouldn't know a sample size if the urologist dumped it on his head: "They don’t have a leadoff hitter. They don’t hit with runners in scoring position. They are running into outs, don’t have much depth, and a lot of the career-year heroes of 2013 ... have come back to earth."

And he perverts the English language with a phrase -- "abject genius" -- to describe the Red Sox front office (yes, that's the same group that put together last year's World Series winners), a description that is as confounding as it is ill-suited. 

Peppered throughout the piece are references to Simon & Garfunkel and the theme song from The Lego Movie. Perhaps The CHB should start channeling that song from Frozen: "Let It Go." 

Day Late, Column Short

Shank's Saturday column recaps the Thursday night usage of a 'foreign substance' by Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda:

NEW YORK — The problem is . . . everybody does it. Including the Red Sox. This is why Sox manager John Farrell was in no position to cry foul when the whole world saw the pine tar-stained hand of Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda in Thursday’s 4-1 victory over Boston.

Pineda was not “doctoring” the baseball. He was not using pine tar to make the ball do funny things. He was using pine tar to maintain his grip of a slippery baseball on a chilly night. Hitters actually don’t mind. There’s some comfort in knowing that a 6-foot-7-inch, 95-m.p.h.-throwing righthander has some control over where the ball is going.

Generally, you'd write about these things in a more timely manner, wouldn't you? Why not swap Friday's Ellsbury column with this one, or run the Ellsbury column before this series started? The Ellsbury column is one more suited to moving around, but the Pineda column looks to me like one you need to run sooner rather than later.

Rewriting History - II

Shank's Friday column takes a look at Jacoby Ellsbury, now a member of the New York Yankees. Now that the Boston Globe has finally dropped their paywall, you once again have the pleasure of reading Shaughnessy's unabridged works of art in their entirety. I'll just highlight the more amusing part(s):

Still, it would be great to have Dr. Charles Steinberg roll out an Ellsbury video montage when the Bombers come to Fenway. We’d love another look at his electrifying steal of home at Fenway against a stunned Andy Pettitte. We could watch all those homers (32) from 2011 when Ellsbury was runner-up for the American League MVP Award. Maybe we’d get another look at his four-hit World Series game against the Rockies when he was a Xander Bogaerts-like call-up at the end of the 2007 season.

Compare and contrast this seemingly affectionate tone about Ellsbury to that of a mere nineteen months ago:

Ellsbury has three homers in 62 games this year. He is hitting .268. Ellsbury is the greatest flight risk since Whitey Bulger, and the Sox are not going to contend next year with him in center field.

The Sox must trade Ellsbury this winter. Scott Boras thinks Ellsbury is a $20 million-per-year player. Maybe last year. But Ellsbury has missed 1½ of the last three seasons and is going the wrong way. He’s not even Carl Crawford this season. Trade the dude.

Back to today's column:

Ellsbury was a terrific player for the Red Sox any time he was on the field. The only problem was the slow healing and the long stretches when he was on the shelf. But let the record show that he played with a broken bone in his foot in the 2013 playoffs. And his major injuries came as the result of hard play — the collision with Adrian Beltre in 2010, and the shoulder-crushing play at second base in the home opener in 2012.

Jacoby Ellsbury, the terrific player in 2013:

We know the negatives. Ellsbury gets hurt and he’s slow to come back from injuries. He missed 144 games with broken ribs in 2010. He injured his shoulder and missed 88 games last year. Both injuries were results of collisions from playing hard, but he’s stuck with the image of a pampered baseball softy.

And when Ellsbury's not on the field?

Shank can't seem to write a story about positive things, like the Bruins' 3 - 0 win over the Pittsburgh Penguins last night, so instead he returns to beating the crap out of Jacoby Ellsbury. The reader is tipped off almost immediately:

This is not a rip job on Ellsbury. There’s no calling into question Ellsbury’s toughness or willingness to play hurt.

Then Shank proceeds to rip Ellsbury:

No need for MLB.com columnist Tom Werner to run to the keyboard and defend his player. Ellsbury missed the first two games of the Yankee showdown this weekend, but he’s played in 54 of 57 games in 2013. He’s practically been Cal Ripken Jr. Let’s call him Iron Man Ellsbury. Everyday Ells.

Nope, no rip job here!

Today's column is nothing more than Shank weakly trying to airbrush his previous columns on Ellsbury. I am becoming more convinced that Shank's being asked or told what to write, and in what tone to write it, when he does columns about the Red Sox. I believe his future columns this season will bear this theory out.

Opening Day

Shank's been unusually positive and upbeat in his past two columns:

Even in defeat, a glorious day for Boston

By Dan Shaughnessy

Living here is not easy. Sometimes it seems as though everything is a contest. It’s too expensive, traffic is unbearable, there’s no parking, and the interminable winter of 2013-14 makes every sane person wonder whether it’s really worth all the trouble.

And then we get a day like Friday and we are reminded why this is the greatest city in America. Even when the Red Sox lose.

Boston is a Hub of institutions, and a bunch of them intersected on the great green lawn at the corner of Yawkey Way and Brookline Ave. Friday.

Gathered in historic, heartfelt harmony, we had the Boston Fire Department, the Boston Marathon, Boston City Hall, the Boston Pops, the Boston Bruins, the Boston Celtics, the New England Patriots, the Dropkick Murphys, Irish stepdancers, the Boston Red Sox, and Fenway Park.

Oh, and we also had David Ortiz, a.k.a. Big Papi. The Man. The Myth. The Legend. Another Boston institution.

David Ortiz - a person Shank once called a "sad sack of you-know-what". Anyone think he's under orders this year to write one non-negative column every week or two?

Weathervane - II

Two days removed from declaring the second freaking game of the season as a 'Must Win' game, Shank does what he does best - turns on a dime, conveniently forgets every word he wrote in his previous column and declares everything's just hunky-dory in Red Sox Nation.

The beautiful noise never stopped, and Friday we celebrate 2013 one more time.

In our (expletive) city, before the Red Sox turn the (expletive) page.

The worst-to-first Red Sox won the World Series at Fenway Park on Wednesday night, Oct. 30, triggering a five-month baseball bacchanal that will finally wrap when the bearded brethren get their rings before the 114th home opener.

We haven’t seen these Red Sox in Boston since the eve of Halloween, when champagne flowed on the Fenway lawn and Bob Marley’s lyrics, “Every little thing gonna be all right,’’ blared out of the loudspeakers. It was quite possibly the loudest night in the history of the 102-year-old ballpark.

“There’s no way it can be that loud again,’’ said Friday’s starting pitcher, Jake Peavy. “No way.’’

Impressive hyperbole, from beginning to end.

The Must Win Game

... was won by the Red Sox last night, 6 - 2. Does Shank bother to mention this fact in his column, dated today?

Of course not - that would ruin the narrative, the narrative being - minimize good things about the Red Sox, maximize / overstate the negative things about them, all while walking that fine line in order to avoid being shitcanned by John Henry.

BALTIMORE — Enough with Selfiegate, Jenny Dell joining Red Sox wives on the White House lawn, and Jonny Gomes’s star-spangled sportscoat.

Let’s get back to baseball. What’s up with the Baltimore Orioles and why do the Red Sox seem to have trouble beating them?

Looks like the Red Sox didn't have any trouble beating them last night. It's more than obvious Shank had this column written well in advance of last night's outcome. Nice job, Shank!

Overreaction?

The 2013 Boston Red Sox lost on Opening Day yesterday, 2-1, to the Baltimore Orioles. How does Shank characterize their next game against the Orioles?

Wednesday night, however, just became a Must Win for the Olde Town Team.

Just a little over the top, isn't it?

Opening Spray

The CHB lays out his road map for how he plans to attack the Red Sox this season.

The early targets:

• A.J. Pierzynski, "a 37-year-old catcher who has been voted “most hated player in baseball.' 
• The pitching staff: "The Red Sox have too much damn for this season. ... [F]ive established starters and more big league-ready Triple A pitchers than any team in the history of the game." 
• John Henry, "a funny Tweeter and probably the best owner in the game." 
• Team management, "extend[ing] contracts even when the players have no leverage." 

and of course,

• David Ortiz, who is being paid "$48 million to make sure he’s still in the fold when he’s 42.

So here we go folks: Shank is all warmed up and in regular season bitching shape. Play ball!

No Bite for RemDawg

The CHB takes on the Jerry Remy situation. Sort of.

Remy, of course, is under fire in some quarters after his son allegedly murdered his girlfriend.

But in his column today, the The Bravest Columnist Joe Sullivan Has Ever Seen(TM), just recounts his Q&A with Remy; he doesn't actually offer a position on whether Remy should step away from the broadcast booth.

Revelation: John Henry is quoted as saying, “I’ve told [Remy] all of us in Red Sox Nation stand behind him.’’

The CHB's obligatory shot  response asserts: "Henry’s generous statements no longer qualify as the whole truth. It is beyond dispute at this hour that not all Red Sox fans are supportive of Remy staying in the broadcast booth."

Well, OK. But one would think a guy who's been in a sportswriting gig for 30 years would have heard of a generalization.

Center Field

Shank gets shipped back to Fort Myers for a few more days, and covers the situation with the Red Sox center field position.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — So how does this all feel if you are Jackie Bradley Jr.? What’s it like when you are old news, under the radar, and suddenly almost invisible at the age of 23?

“I’m good,’’ Bradley said Wednesday morning, standing in front of his locker at JetBlue Park hours before he was scheduled to start in right field against the Baltimore Orioles.

“It’s all right. I’ve got no complaints. I’m the same guy — even going through adversity like I am right now.’’

Everybody knows the situation. Jacoby Ellsbury went to New York for a big bag of money. JBJ was anointed the new Sox center fielder. The Sox went on record and said they were comfortable turning over the position to Bradley. It was going to be Xander Bogaerts at shortstop and Bradley in center. The dawn of the rookies.

It's safe to conclude that Jackie Jr. needs time in the minors to develop as a batter; Shank's just here to point out the obvious.

Harvard Homerism - III (Fin)

Harvard's run in the NCAA Championship ended with a 80 - 73 Saturday night loss to Michigan State, and should also result in Shank's run of consecutive Harvard related columns. He continues to speculate on Harvard coach Tommy Amaker's future, conveniently summarized in this paragraph:

Obviously there’s a lot of work to be done at Boston College and Donahue was unable to bring the Ivy Magic that got him to the Sweet 16 at Cornell . . . but BC is still in the Atlantic Coast Conference and can get NBA players (remember Sean Williams?) Harvard would not touch. A 48-year-old coach with ACC roots (Amaker went to Duke) who can take over at BC without having to move his family is going to be tempted.

Former University of Connecticut coach Jim Calhoun is also interested in the job, but it doesn't appear to be a mutual interest. Maybe Shank gets this one right?

Harvard Homerism - II

Because you can never have too many stories about the Harvard men's basketball team...

“Fight fiercely, Harvard!

“Fight, fight, fight!

“Demonstrate to them our skill.

“Albeit they possess the might.

“Nonetheless we have the will.’’

— Tom Lehrer, Harvard, 1945

SPOKANE, Wash. — It is a cute bracket entry — “Harvard” — nestled into the long left column, alongside the royalty of the sport from Florida, Syracuse, Michigan State, Connecticut, Virginia, Kansas, Villanova, and UCLA.

Harvard? For those who don’t follow college basketball, seeing Harvard in a bracket is more of a shocker than seeing the Shockers of Wichita State. It’s as if a guy named “Einstein” appeared at the NFL Combine.

Let’s see how you do on the Wonderlic, Einstein.

Safe to say this theme's starting to lose steam.

Harvard Homerism

With a 61 - 57 win over the Cincinnati Bearcats, Shank whips it out and shows us his Harvard hard-on.

SPOKANE, Wash. — Let’s start by dismissing the notion that Harvard’s 61-57 victory over Cincinnati Thursday was any kind of an upset.

Sure thing - #12 seeds beat #5 seeds all the time!

Sure, this was a No. 12 seed beating a No. 5 seed in the NCAA Tournament, and Cincinnati is among the 25 winningest college hoop programs in NCAA history. The Bearcats produced Oscar Robertson, won two national championships, and filled NBA rosters with rugged rebounders in the days when bag man Bob Huggins put the program on probation because of a “loss of institutional control.’’

Harvard has no such hoop history. Until 1981, the Johnnies played their games on the fourth floor of the Indoor Athletic Building (the gym was above the pool, and Princeton players complained that the Harvard players smelled like chlorine). In its first 111 years of organized basketball, Harvard appeared in only one NCAA Tournament, losing to Ohio State and NYU in 1946.

From there, you get the standard Shank wrapup - a description of the rest of the game and a few quotes from players. It might have been interesting for Shank to offer a reason or two for Harvard's recent tournament success (yesterday's column didn't discuss it either), but that would require additional work for Shank, so...

Faking It, By Dan Shaughnessy

Last week, Shank unconvincingly pretended to care for the New England Patriots. This week, he pretends to care about college basketball (with a local angle, naturally).

SPOKANE, Wash. — This is a big bowl of awkward.

Tommy Amaker is set to coach No. 12 seed Harvard against No. 5 seed Cincinnati in the first round of the NCAA Tournament Thursday, and when the Crimson lose their next game, Amaker is gone. He’s Jacoby Ellsbury gone. Harvard’s loss will be Boston College’s gain.

This is not official, mind you. Maybe Amaker can push the Crimson all the way to the Sweet Sixteen this year. Folks at Mr. Bartley’s are hoping Amaker will still be at Harvard next year, and the year after, and the year after that. Maybe he’ll be there long enough to get his own statue in the Yard, alongside John Harvard.

But I’m betting he’s gone as soon as the Crimson lose their next game. The Boston College job opened up Tuesday when BC fired Steve Donahue, and Amaker is the odds-on favorite to be taking his talents to Chestnut Hill.

If Shank feels like stepping up his weekly column output past the single column mark, and he writes a few more columns about college basketball and the NCAA tournament, look for him to turn his firehose towards Kentucky coach John Calipari (who Shank despises) and Louisville coach Rick 'Minuteman' Pitino, who destroyed the Celtics in the 1990's.

What Do You Mean, 'We'?

A noted hater critic of the New England Patriots suddenly changes his tune and busts out the verbal champagne over the Darrelle Revis signing by Bill Belichick & Co.

We never should have doubted the Patriots

The bloodthirsty critics (yes, me too) were ready to pounce. The Patriots would rather be right than be champions. They were more concerned with nailing the market and staying out of Cap Jail than with going for broke. They were going to settle for another Adams Division championship.

They were willing to let Aqib Talib go to the competition. They were more concerned with True Value than Lombardi Hardware.

And then, it all changed.

And Bill Belichick is a genius again. And the Krafts are right again. And the fanboys will scold those who would ever question The Patriot Way.

E Pluribus Bill.

Hours after losing their best defender to the competition, the Patriots locked up the best lockdown corner on the market on Wednesday. They got Darrelle Revis to agree to a one-year contract for $12 million.

Of course, he still needs to take a shot at Patriots ownership:

While Belichick and the High Chairs pat themselves on the back (nobody does it better), let’s not forget the added dimension of how this is going to play in New York. The Jets and their fans may never get over this. Rex Ryan is going to have to go have a bleepin’ snack. Gang Green is going to see red.

Stay classy, Shank!

Tankapalooza

Shank's first column in a week focuses on the Boston Celtics, who are looking for a high lottery pick this year.

The Celtics beat the once-great Pistons, 118-111, at the Garden Sunday night in front of a hearty sellout crowd.

Yowza. In Tankville parlance, we’d call this a 4-point game — in reverse. The Celtics move further away from the basement of the NBA and the Pistons inch closer to Boston among the bottom feeders.

And here’s a little fun fact to go along with the perverse thinking in the spring of 2014. Sitting on the Detroit bench Sunday night, inactive because of left knee surgery, No. 1 in your program, Mr. Chauncey Billups.

That name ring a bell? Billups represents all that can go wrong with tanking games.

Remember the Great Tank of 1996-97? M.L. Carr drove the Celtics right into the ground. They finished 15-67 (.183), easily the worst season in franchise history. And there was nothing subtle about it.

“M.L. meant business,’’ recalled Cedric Maxwell (No. 31 in the rafters). “He was the master. ‘You make a couple of baskets, young man? You are out of here. We are going down in flames.’ ’’

The Celtics went into the lottery with the best shot at getting the No. 1 pick. The target was Wake Forest center Tim Duncan, the best collegian in the land, a true franchise player. But instead of the No. 1 pick, the Celtics came away with the No. 3 pick. Instead of Duncan, they came away with Chauncey Billups. And that was the beginning and the end of Rick Pitino in Boston.

Losing for a purpose, dredging up past tankapalooza efforts, and mention of the two worst Celtics coaches (and one of their worst trades) in history - subject matter right up Shank's alley, because everything sucks!

DHL Dan - XXXI

Looks like the new pattern for Shank's picked-up pieces column is once a month, and it looks like Shank's still pissed off at stat geeks:

Picked-up pieces while unpacking from two weeks in Fort Myers . . .

■ Information is good. Every sports team can benefit from data. But why do I feel like there are people who want to erase all scouting and experience from sports? The eighth annual MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference was held at the Hynes Convention Center last week and drew a raft of A-listers from the world of sports. Owners, general managers, and even some ballplayers and ex-ballplayers are knee-deep in the data.

But can we just stop the madness and acknowledge that there are some things in sports that never will be quantifiable? And I’m not just talking about heart, character, makeup, leadership, and ability to play hurt and perform under pressure.

Hockey analytics? Really? Calgary hockey boss Brian Burke told the Globe’s Fluto Shinzawa, “I think it’s still an eyeballs business,’’ while explaining that he has yet to see a worthwhile numbers-based system for evaluating hockey players.

You know why he hasn’t seen it? Because it’s impossible to evaluate hockey players with data!

Yes, you heard that right - impossible. Goals, assists, ice time, plus / minus ratings - balderdash!

The rest of the column is just as insipid. Read at your own risk...

Lectured

Every now and then, Shank feels the need to lecture someone or some group. Today, we get such a column:

This is for you, coach. You know who you are.

As you advance in the tournament this winter, or as you prepare for spring sports, find a way to play everybody on your team. At one time or another. You know how to get it done. It needn’t be done at the expense of winning. If the score’s not close, empty the bench at the end of the game. Put those kids on the floor, on the ice, or on the field. They are working as hard as the stars and the starters and you have the power to support them . . . or to demoralize them. Do not abuse this power just because you can.

Dan Shaughnessy - master of the obvious!

Most of our winter sports teams have finished for the season. Only the best of the best are still playing, but the themes never change. Coaches have the power. Smart, caring, sensitive coaches . . . most coaches . . . know what to do. Unfortunately, there are still coaches who don’t get it. They are the ones to keep some kids chained to the bench for the entire season. These men and women are at best, clueless. But their methods can also be rooted in power-tripping, petty thinking, or in the worst cases, revenge.

Petty thinking and a thirst for revenge - does that remind you of anyone?

For Shank's Spring Training Columns, One 'Sizemore' Fits All

Today, the latest in The CHB's series on the potential Red Sox starters for 2014. And, just like the last, well, all of them, nothing new is revealed. Rather, today's offering on Grady Sizemore follows the formulaic (read: boring) format that Shank has perfected over the years:

• A recent anecdote
• A recounting of the player's baseball career
• A quote from the player and one or two other players/coaches/related personnel.

It may be dry in Florida, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised The CHB's commentary is bordering on arid.

Birds Of A Feather

Shank dedicates today's column to fellow asshole A.J. Pierzynski.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — A.J. Pierzynski. The Most Hated Player In Baseball.

I couldn’t wait to talk to this guy.

We're not really surprised by this revelation, are we?

According to a 2012 Men’s Journal poll, Pierzynski is the Most Hated Player in Baseball.

“I just laugh at it,’’ he said. “I think it’s cool. I’ve won it a bunch of years in a row. They just change the title around. They change a couple of words.’’

True. In various other polls, Pierzynski has been cited as “Player You Would Most Like To See Beaned” and “Meanest Player’’ in baseball.

“I think I’ve won it before so it’s just an easy answer,’’ he added. “But I think A-Rod took over for me this year.’’

Is there a trophy that comes with the coveted “most hated” distinction — something that gets passed along from year to year like the Stanley Cup?

“No,’’ said Pierzynski. “You just get awkward questions by media people every day.’’

As an aside, Shank's better columns tend to be the ones when he gets to focus on the overwhelming negative aspects of a team, player or situation. It's pretty obvious what his motivation is with this column.

Junior

No, I don't mean this Junior, but instead Jackie Bradley Jr., currently a second year center fielder for the Red Sox who hopes to finally stick with the big league club.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The first look was . . .

Underwhelming.

Jackie Bradley Jr. knows. He knows there are doubts about his ability to be a solid everyday hitter in the big leagues. He made it to The Show last year on the strength of a spectacular spring training (.419 in 28 games).

While the Red Sox were trying to dig out from the disgrace of last place and Bobby Valentine, JBJ became the smooth, sweet face of the franchise. He was the unwashed phenomenon — the antidote to chicken-and-beer and the train wreck of 2012.

I'm surprised to read that last part; it's really shocking for Shank to bring up negative things about the Red Sox's previous seasons...

Lineup

As Red Sox spring training progresses, we get closer and closer to starting actual games, like the ones against Boston College and Northeastern University on Thursday. Shank takes a column to consider the possibilities.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox hitting coach Greg Colbrunn doesn’t have a recipe for a new leadoff hitter. What he knows is that this powerful lineup that produced a league-best 853 runs in 2013 will look different, but not necessarily worse.

He can’t mix Shane Victorino with Dustin Pedroia and a little Grady Sizemore and come up with another Jacoby Ellsbury. Not possible. The speed, the disruptive nature of Ellsbury’s game, that’s gone.

Shank didn't seem terribly concerned in 2010, when Ellsbury wasn't in the lineup.

Ellsbury accounted for 92 of those 853 runs, fifth among leadoff hitters. But the excitement he brings, the pressure on the pitcher, and his defense are gone.

Dan was definitely excited the last time Ellsbury was gone from the lineup for an extended period:

It’s impossible and unfair to measure another man’s pain. Some professional ballplayers play hurt, while others wait until they are 100 percent before they step on the field. Jacoby Ellsbury broke five ribs back in April and he’s the only person who knows the extent of his pain at this hour.

But the situation with the Red Sox and Ellsbury has become absurd. The Sox are falling fast against mediocre competition and Ellsbury is still on the disabled list even though he’s played five games of minor league ball, and Sunday went 2 for 5, almost jumping out of McCoy Stadium in pursuit of a Durham Bull home run.

The only thing Shank will miss about Ellsbury is having a target.

Sizemore Matters

Shank writes his latest column on new Red Sox acquisition Grady Sizemore.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — How good was Grady Sizemore?

“He’s without a doubt one of the greatest players of our generation,’’ Cleveland general manager Mark Shapiro told Sports Illustrated in 2007.

“The best player in our league,’’ added White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

Sizemore was going to be the Next Big Thing. He was a center fielder with speed and power. He was a three-time All Star.

A series of injuries later, he winds up on the Red Sox and his anticipated role will likely be sharing center field duties with Jackie Bradley Jr. Sizemore hasn't played baseball since the fall of 2011.

Do you know what else happened in the fall of 2011? Shank helpfully reminds us:

He has not played a game of big league baseball since the fall of 2011, during the chicken and beer final days of Tito and Theo in Boston.

I almost forgot about that! Thanks for refreshing my memory, Shank!

Don't Bogaerts His Thunder

Xander Bogaerts is "as close to a sure thing as you'll get in baseball."

So sayeth The CHB.

He also sayeth, "The last Sox player who came to the big leagues with this much expectation was Roger Clemens."

Huh. Doth he forget Frankie Rodriguez, who was Baseball America's College Player of the Year and who led college baseball in homers and RBIs in 1991, and whom the Red Sox had to agree that he could play shortstop and pitch in order to sign him? Ellis Burks? Mo Vaughn, who like Rodriguez was a Baseball America Top 10 Prospect? Trot Nixon, the Baseball America High School Player of the Year the season the Red Sox signed him?

The last Sox player who came to the big leagues with this much expectation was Roger Clemens, and Clemens wound up winning 192 games for Boston," Shank says.

Wrong again. Two words: Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The Larry Lucchino Column

Shank wraps up what he refers to as the three day ownership blitz with a column about longtime nemesis über-GM Larry Lucchino.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox ownership completed its three-day media blitz at JetBlue Park Friday with Larry Lucchino playing the role of closer.

Asked about his Yankee enemies, Larry said, “I can’t say I wish them well.’’ He also playfully suggested that 79-year-old Bud Selig is not really going to retire, admitted baseball needs to speed up its games, and expressed delight with Jon Lester’s willingness to take a hometown discount.

It was the complete opposite of Lucchino’s introductory press conference last year when Larry morphed into Jack Nicholson playing Colonel Nathan Jessup on the witness stand in “A Few Good Men.’’

No one could handle the truth.

Remember last year? On Valentine’s Day, 2013, Lucchino faced the firing squad that assembled in Fort Myers to demand an explanation for the Red Sox’ worst season in 47 years. That was the day Larry admitted that the Sox’ phony sellout streak would officially end early in the 2013 season. Never smiling, snapping off a couple of terse “no comments,” Lucchino said, “we sense the frustration fans feel . . . maybe to everybody we have something to prove . . . We’re just scrappy underdogs trying to win for our franchise and fans.’’

A firing squad that included Our Man Shank:

Lucchino claimed he has not read the new book by former Red Sox manager Terry Francona and Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. "Francona, the Red Sox Years" has several unflattering references to Lucchino and his style of management.

"I haven't [read the book]. I know some people find that hard to believe. But it seems logical to me. I want to look forward, not back," he said. "I'm afraid if I do read it, I will find in it inaccuracies and things that will cause me to react to it in a way that would divert me and cause some kind of sideshow instead of dealing with the here and now. It seems perfectly logical to me not to read it. I don't feel any great compulsion to. I may get around to it sooner or later."

However Lucchino gave a terse "no comment" to two questions posed by Shaughnessy during his 31-minute press conference. He then answered the exact same questions posed by other reporters.

If Shank puckers his lips anymore, he's going to look like a blowfish.

Bipolar

Today's 'effort' by Shank focuses on just how aweseomely awesome the 2014 Boston Red Sox are:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — When you really start to think about it, the 2014 Red Sox are a lot like “The Lego Movie.’’

Everything is awesome.

Thursday was the much-anticipated first full-squad workout, and the entire Sox organization gathered for the first time since they all came down off the duck boats last November. The Sox released a photo of owners John Henry, Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, plus Sam Kennedy, Jonathan Gilula, and Dr. Charles Steinberg sitting in Kraft-like high chairs, while general manager Ben Cherington addressed the defending world champs behind closed doors.

Obsessed with Patriots owner Robert Kraft much?

I don't know about you, but I think it's a rather small, petty man who feels the need to trash Patriots ownwership when he writes about the Red Sox.

And speaking of trashing ownership:

We’ve had executives on parade this week at JetBlue. John (William Randolph) Henry had his turn at the bench Wednesday

Now, is Shank lauding (falsely, of course) John Henry as the latest & greatest newspaper magnate, or the scumbag who defamed Annie Oakley with a false story just over a century ago?

Just to be on the safe side, Shank makes sure to perform a thorough ball washing:

While Tom was talking, Mr. Henry, the beloved owner of the Red Sox and the Globe, walked from the clubhouse wearing a black sportcoat, holding an umbrella over his head. It was hard not to think of Gene Kelly, Mary Poppins, or Ray Flynn in the Vatican, but Henry will get the last laugh when the rest of us are peeling sunburned skin off our necks.

And now, let's read about a product so profoundly awful it has to be given away:

The big boss no doubt was pleased at the sight of free Globes for everyone. Snowbirds from New England have been denied the pleasure of reading our vaunted broadsheet in Fort Myers in recent years, but this spring the paper is being printed at a site in Southwest Florida. Globe representatives are literally papering the house at JetBlue. Free Abraham and Cafardo for everyone.

Maybe the locals were lining their birdcages with something else the whole time?

The Mandatory David Ortiz Column

Ever since Big Papi's been making noises about wanting an additional year on his contract at the start of spring training, it's been the central story so far. With yesterday's press conference, and Shank somehow sitting right next to Ortiz, on his right (presumbably within strangling range), he finally gives us his two cents on the situation, and it's worth every penny.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — David Ortiz sees haters. And it motivates him.

Everybody can use a little motivation. Some folks do their best work in the name of love. Some do it out of fear. David Ortiz is driven by a notion that folks want him to fail. He reads something in the paper or hears a radio talk show host saying that he should keep quiet about his request for a contract extension, and he spins it into a regional repudiation of everything he has achieved in Boston.

Throw in some trademark Shaughnessy overstatement & hyperbole:

Ortiz, a Boston sports legend perhaps on a par with Bobby Orr and Tom Brady, wants another year tacked on to his contract and this has resulted in some criticism.

It's good to note that some people have learned at least one lesson from The Godfather:

I’ve been critical of the big fella since he went public with his request and when Ortiz plopped himself down next to me for the start of Wednesday’s presser, he said, “Good to have my friends close and my enemy even closer.’’