Piling On

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will write one or two columns every year that will generate nationwide criticism and ridicule. Yesterday's soapbox faux tantrum was one of those columns.

Greg Boysen, Second City Hockey:

Yesterday Boston blow hole Dan Shaughnessy stayed awake long enough throw all bloggers into a large group and rip us to shreds in one big generalized slam. His is article about Kansas City Chiefs fans cheering when Matt Cassel got injured he let loose with this bias comment:

Awful Announcing:

What Dan Shaughnessy has done here is create a hierarchy of people who scare old guard sportswriters that depend on vague generalities, stereotypes, and blanket statements as crutches.

Kirk Minihane, WEEI:

Shaughnessy doesn't hate the Internet, he hates change. He'd give anything for it to be 1986 all over again, a world in which newspapers were king and no one else had a platform to question, a world in which the readers could do nothing but write a letter to the editor as a form of protest or opinion. He can't believe someone can sit in their house or at some Starbucks and basically come to the same conclusion as he does on a topic and have a forum to express that thought. He's been a sports critic, really, in his life as a columnist -- and, when's he focused, a terrific one -- and he can't comprehend that he has to share some of the stage with the commoners. He thinks he knows more than you do about sports because he's sat in a press box for 30 years, because he's talked to players before and after games. I've covered games in press boxes and watched them on TV, and guess what? There's almost no difference. You know just as much as some of them do, and now there's a place to express that. One day some people realized this, and it drives guys like Shaughnessy crazy. It's called insecurity. And, yeah, some bloggers are lousy and petty and out of touch, and some newspaper columnists are great and thoughful and even avoid "Animal House" references at all costs, but that's not really the point.

I don't believe Shaughnessy truly thinks blogging and fantasy football is the reason fans cheered when Cassel went down. He' s too smart for that nonsense to be rooted in reality. That rant probably was written months ago, he was just looking for a reason to squeeze it in somewhere.

Seems these guys know Shank like we do - writing, in part, just to generate controversy.

Mr. Manners

Booing is wrong, and people who do it are bad, bad, bad!

So sayeth the Shank, who in a way reminiscent of Miss Manners, expresses his distaste for the fans' lack of civility and his manlove for a Chief lineman who criticized the crowd for piling on after Matt Cassel was knocked out of the game.

Now, let's get one thing straight: The Chiefs fans weren't actually cheering because Cassel got hurt; they were cheering because he would no longer be in the game, manning a club that has gone 22-31 since his arrival from New England prior to the 2009 season. They had a point: Cassel's QB rating is a pedestrian 81% for his career, a mark he's topped only once in the four seasons he's helmed the Chiefs.

But this is where The CHB's hypocrisy switched into overdrive: "I’ve certainly done my share of tweaking and exposing professional athletes or organizations who don’t give an honest effort to live up to their contracts or fulfill the team-fan accord."

Would that be "tweaking" like when he called David Ortiz a sad sack of you-know-what? Was it tweaking when he called Carl Everett "the Ebola virus of the Boston clubhouse?" Or when he wrote “We have rejoiced in the retirement of Keith Foulke?” Would that be "exposing" when he wrote, "Why does America hate Barry Bonds so much? Is it because he's too good?" all while neglecting to mention Bonds' PED use for another five years. Was that exposing when he accused Manny Ramirez, the previous season's World Series MVP, of quitting on the team during a month where he put up a .930 OPS and 6 HRs in 24 games?

No, that would just be the Holy Cross Hypocrite, doing what he does best.

DHL Dan - XVIII?

Is there any doubt that Shank's next column will be a Brady / Manning column? You know, like this one, or this one, or this one?

The Valentine Era - It's A Wrap!

Shank has a very good column on Bobby Valentine's tenure with the 2012 Boston Red Sox.

Naturally, Shank has to mar one of his better columns in quite some time by taking a shot at owner John Henry:

The one constant was the absence of Henry. The principal owner missed last year’s Francona firing after he suffered a minor injury when he slipped and fell on his yacht. Henry was not present for Thursday’s round-tables.

“The job of dealing with the press, for better or worse, falls with Ben and me,’’ said Lucchino.

And let’s not forget that the big Liverpool-Udinese match from Enfield (sic - should be Anfield - ed.) was unfolding while Lucchino and Cherington explained the firing of Valentine. Victims of a dreaded “own goal,” Liverpool lost, 3-2.

Hope nobody got sacked.

The new Liverpool manager has been there for four whole months; give it time, Shank...

Bobby Valentine Death Watch

As we wait for the ax to be swung, I'll belatedly link to Shank's (hopefully) penultimate post-mortem column on the 2012 Boston Red Sox. You've already read this column about nine hundred times in one form or another this year, so what were you missing?

Speaking of Bobby Valentine, this must be some kind of metaphor:

...
According to the New York Times, the avid bicyclist (Valentine) crashed his ride in New York City earlier in the day, suffering minor hip and knee injuries. The cause of his accident? He was reading a text message.
...
Can’t you just picture it like in the movies? Bobby V is riding furiously through the New York streets, desperately trying to escape from Peter Abraham and Dan Shaughnessy chasing him on speed boats that inexplicably work on the road, knocking over fruit carts and, wouldn’t you know it, two bakers are carrying a meticulously crafted cake across the street right in front of his path for God knows what reason and SPLOOSH, down goes Bobby. He’s alright, so we’re allowed to joke.

What about the cake? Don't leave us hanging...

UPDATE at 1:04 PM - Shitcanned.

Shank's Next Column - II

Maybe Shank won't be too lazy to write about or at least mention old friend Curt Schilling tomorrow:

MEDFIELD, Mass. (WPRI) - Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling has put his 26-acre property outside Boston on the market and is seeking nearly $3.5 million.

The home is being listed by Landmark Residential , which boasts that the “extremely private” property has the amenities for “relaxed family gatherings and sports enthusiasts.”

“Once inside the complex there is a heated pool with waterfall, sports court, beach volley ball court, batting/pitching cage and putting green,” the online description of the property says.

The colonial-style house has 20 rooms, including seven bedrooms, five bathrooms, and three half-bathrooms. It was built in 1997 and has an assessed value of $4.15 million, according to municipal property records.

Who would buy this house? My money's on Rob Gronkowski. Might need to add a vertical brass pole or two...

Just Curious...

Shank has written six columns for the Globe since September 9th. You would be hard pressed to find these columns in one of the two places you would normally look for them. Is this because the Globe's web people are as lazy as Shank; is it because of the URL's to many of the recent columns are no longer starting with www.boston.com and thus not placed on the columnist's 'home pages'; or is it something more sinister, like Shank slowly getting pushed aside, his visibility being purposefully reduced? As Shank speculates on Bobby Valentine's departure, does it make sense to do the same with Our Man Shank, given this recent burying / absence of his columns from their normal places?

With respect to the last column Shank should have written (yesterday's Patriots / Bills wrapup), was the column not written because of the Patriots 52 - 28 win? Shank, devoting three whole paragraphs to the subject, all but explicitly predicted a Patriots losss in the Sunday column. Does it take that long to wipe egg off of one's face?

DHL Dan - XVII

How lazy is a Boston Globe sports columnist when they send you out to Buffalo, supposedly to cover yesterday's Patriors / Bills game, you devote your Sunday column to saying next to nothing about the game, then on the day after the game you explicitly say nothing about the game by not even writing a column about said game?

Did Shank close the Anchor Bar again, either / both nights?

A rhetorical question - do you mail in a column when you don't even bother to write one? This editor says YES!

DHL Dan - XVI

Shank takes a trip to Buffalo to cover today's Patriots - Bills game, then says next to nothing about the game he's ostensibly there to cover.

ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. — A year later, once again, we have Patriots, Bills, Red Sox, Orioles, and Yankees.

We have Ralph Wilson Stadium, Camden Yards, and Yankee Stadium.

We have a football coach hoping to make it to the Super Bowl, and a baseball manager scheduled for a firing squad at the end of the week.

It is the last weekend of September, and our local teams are playing the same opponents in the same places where they played at this time last year. Everything is the same . . . and everything is different.

Much like the content of this column. The casual Boston sports fan already knows what's going on with the Patriots and Red Sox; Shank simply restates the obvious in order to fill up column inches. He devotes three thin paragraphs on the subject he's allegedly in Buffalo to talk about:

The view is a little different now. The 2012 Patriots arrive in Buffalo with a two-game losing streak. They are in last place in the AFC East, trailing both the Bills and the hated Jets by a full game.

Once again, we have questions about the young New England defense. The Patriots couldn’t stop Joe Flacco in the fourth quarter last week at Baltimore, just as they couldn’t stop Harvard’s Ryan Fitzpatrick when they played in Buffalo last year.

We are no longer talking about the Patriots as a 16-0 team. We are no longer certain that they will finish first in the AFC East. The Patriots have lost three of their last four games. They are suddenly vulnerable.

At least we are updated on the important things, like "Where do New England area sportswriters go after a football game?"

A few hours after the football game, members of the New England media gathered at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo. It’s the birthplace of Buffalo wings. When you cover sports for a living and travel to Buffalo, you are required to close the Anchor Bar.

We did the job.

Bars in Buffalo close at 4:00 AM. I know Mike will be shocked, SHOCKED at Shank's revelation. Any bets that Shank wrote this column on the back of a napkin while he was waiting on his order of chicken and beer?

Look Away

Shank today accuses Red Sox management of using the celebrations of the 100-year anniversary of Fenway Park as a front to obscure the performance on the field, calling it "a last shameless attempt to direct your eyes away from the playing field." (As if the connotations of a losing record are so complex, your average fan hasn't yet figured it out.)

The solution, says the Bold One, is to hire former Red Sox pitching coach and now Blue Jays manager John Farrell, because no one can turn around a fourth-place team like a guy who is coaching a fifth-place team!

And The CHB -- who when it comes to baseball matters has been right about, what, 3% of the time? --  claims that the Sox need to lose as much as possible "because they need to hit rock bottom in order to get better." 

There you go again, Dan, quoting your AA counselor. 

We say, Direct your eyes from the writer for the Globe.

Moonlighting / Get Me Rewrite!

At least we know where Shank's been recently, besides writing columns for the Boston Globe:

Boston Herald columnist Dan Shaughnessy knows how out of hand things have gotten, and even takes offense to the NFL trying to play the old "they got it right" card.

"The statement that came out today is pretty much an insult to our intelligence," Shaughnessy said. "Basically, nobody is buying that. We know what our eyes told us, what we saw."

Shaughnessy continued: "With the dollars that are being wages (sic) here, to have the product compromised over such a short amount of money is preposterous."

Other than that, it was an accurate quote...

A Leap Too Far

The CHB's wrapup of the Patriots-Ravens matchup Sunday night has all the color and life of a plate of tripe.

Put another way, there's nothing but nothing there. Of course, he does manage to work in the obligatory gratituous shot at the Red Sox:

"Walking past Camden Yards on the way to M & T Bank Stadium, I had flashbacks from last Sept. 28 when the Red Sox melted into a puddle of sorrow in the shadows of Eutaw Street."

Reading this column, I had flashbacks to pretty much every run-of-the-mill, mailed-in piece The CHB has ever written. Not a happy place to be.

Asking The Stupid Questions

We were eagerly awaiting Shank's first column in a week, and with him finally realizing it's no longer sport to dump on the Red Sox this season with an entire column, Shank talks up tonight's Patriots - Ravens game with a "serious" question:

Are Ravens now a rival for the Patriots?

Like they weren't rivals from January 10, 2010, nearly three years ago? I think you're a little late on this one, Shank!

Shank then trots out the same tired formula he always does when comparing Boston against Our Newest Rival.

We want the Baltimore Ravens to be our natural-born football rivals.

We can make this work.

Boston-Baltimore. We have history. We have tradition.

Patriots vs. Ravens. Patriots vs. Colts (in the old days). Celtics vs. Bullets (in the older days). Red Sox vs. Orioles (ouch). USS Constitution vs. USS Constellation. Waterfront vs. Inner Harbor. Ralph Waldo Emerson vs. Edgar Allan Poe. “Good Will Hunting” vs. “Diner.” Mass. General vs. Johns Hopkins. Lobster rolls vs. crab cakes.

Luis Tiant vs. Jim Palmer.

Baltimore gave us Janet Marie Smith, who rebuilt Fenway Park. Baltimore gave us Larry Lucchino, who hired Bobby Valentine.

You get the idea. I should check the tires on Shank's car; they're probably retreads, too.

But what's a Shank column without another dig at the Red Sox, complete with a decades old song reference?

And then there was last Sept. 28, at Camden Yards. The day the music died in Boston baseball.

A soft liner to left . . . Crawford can’t make the play! . . . Here comes Reimold to the plate and the throw is not in time! . . . Tito fired . . . Chicken and beer . . . John Henry storming into The SportsHub . . . Theo resigns . . . Bobby hired . . . The return of the “varsity” . . . the palace mutiny . . . worst roster in the history of baseball . . . Nava is coming out to hit for Iglesias . . .

On and on it goes.

That's an understatement...

UPDATE AT 2:10 pm - Steve Buckley and I agree on the rivalry timeline, for what that's worth.

'Ben-t'

So Shank, talking with one of the titans of baseball brilliance Michael Felger, says Ben Cherington should quit if he doesn't get to choose the manager.

It's a shocking statement for a guy who prides himself so much on baseball history. Doesn't The CHB remember that the one and only George Steinbrenner hired (and fired) every manager of the Yankees during his 37-year reign? And that the Yankees won seven World Series championships during that time?

Can it be the same CHB, who has been whining for two years that the John Henry Group isn't involved enough in the team, is now bitching that the ownership is too involved? (head spinning)

Oh, and there's the gratuitous shot at Bill James. Let's go over this again:

• No. of World Series wins with Bill James-influencing the Red Sox: 2
• No. of World Series wins with Bill James not influencing the Red Sox: 0

Perhaps that math is too much for Shank.

Don't Believe The Hype

That's what Shank is selling with today's column concerning a potential sale of the Boston Red Sox, first reported by Fox Business Network yesterday.

Don Draper sat in John Henry’s seat next to the Red Sox dugout for the Yankee finale Thursday night.

Perfect. “Mad Men” comes to Fenway Park for the final days of the train-wreck season of 2012.

“Mad Men.” It works in many ways. The Red Sox owners love money. They love to sell their product and they do it well. They are geniuses of presentation. They are the Ultimate Ad Men of Major League Baseball.

They are also mad men, as in angry. They won’t look in the mirror. They want to blame everybody else for what has happened. They want you to remember that this is all Theo Epstein’s fault.

No, Shank, you want the fans to remember this is all Theo's fault. Shank does not do disingenuous well.

So, to sell or not to sell?

Henry, Werner, and Lucchino say it’s not true. I believe them. I think they are fans. I think they are men in their 60s and even in bad times like this, this is nothing more fun than owning Fenway Park and the Boston Red Sox. Lucchino has re-upped with the Red Sox for three more years. This will keep him in Boston until he is 70.

Maybe I’m the fool. Maybe Henry is Montgomery Burns, cares only about cash, and will unload the Sox and laugh as he flies to his new home in Liverpool. Maybe Lucchino will bail on Boston.

I’m betting against it.

This is wishful thinking on Shank's part, and his contention that current ownership are fans is contradicted by the third paragraph in this column ('Red Sox owners love money', etc.), so yes, he is the fool here. Getting rid of Beckett, Gonzalez and Crawford is a classic way of cleaning up the balance sheet before a sale by getting rid of future liabilities. That, and John Henry is first and foremost a businessman. If Shank thinks current Sox ownership are fans first, he's a poor judge of character. I say the team gets sold within two months.

Short at Center

Today, Mr. Grumpy has in his sights Jacoby Ellsbury, calling him "greatest flight risk since Whitey Bulger."

Now, yes, it is just a tad extreme to compare a baseball player to the man who topped the FBI's Most Wanted list for years, and who is accused of murdering more than a dozen people. Then again, excrement extreme is what The CHB is known for.

But Shank's crystal ball tells him that the Red Sox are "not going to contend next year with him in center field." Never mind that Ellsbury was runnerup in the AL MVP race just last year. Clearly, he sucks.

The CHB insists the Sox "must trade" Ellsbury immediately, but in the next breath notes Ellsbury's apparent brittleness and lack of performance: "He’s not even Carl Crawford this season. Trade the dude." How are the Sox to get quality in return for this apparent sack of crap? The CHB never gets around to saying. Keep in mind, Shank was the one who insisted the Red Sox keep Kevin Youkilis, who is just as brittle as Ellsbury (not to mention older and less valuable), and for whom the Red Sox already had more-than-capable replacements, and whined like a two-year-old that they didn't get enough in return for him. But no matter. That was two months ago, and drinking does hamper the memory.
 
And The CHB cites Bill Ballou of the Worcester Telegram. Is that the same Bill Ballou who has repeatedly said Bill James has been right? The same Bill James The CHB routinely mocks?

Parting shots: "ESPN was here, Wednesday night, which meant sharing the press box, elevator and media bathroom with Nomar Garciaparra and Curt Schilling. That’s a lot of awkward for one night, don’t you think?" Only if you are, you know, a dick.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XV

I wonder if this is a good thing for the Globe?

The blue line in the chart above displays total annual print newspaper advertising revenue (for the categories national, retail and classified) based on actual annual data from 1950 to 2011, and estimated annual revenue for 2012 using quarterly data through the second quarter of this year, from the Newspaper Association of America (NAA). The advertising revenues have been adjusted for inflation, and appear in the chart as millions of constant 2012 dollars. Estimated print advertising revenues of $19.0 billion in 2012 will be the lowest annual amount spent on print newspaper advertising since the NAA started tracking ad revenue in 1950.

The decline in print newspaper advertising to a 62-year low is amazing by itself, but the sharp decline in recent years is pretty stunning. This year's ad revenues of $19 billion will be less than half of the $46 billion spent just five years ago in 2007, and a little more than one-third of the $56.5 billion spent in 2004.

Accentuating The Positive

Since the 2012 Boston Red Sox are no longer in contention for the postseason playoffs, Shank will turn to his fall whipping post, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots.

The Patriots open their season today against the Titans, seven months after losing the Super Bowl to the Giants.

As if you'd need to read any further...

Ridden Over

 The CHB proves once again that knowledge is his enemy, taking time out from his busy radio schedule (still laughing about that one) to write that Bill James is NOT the answer, all while noting that James was against the expensive and failed Carl Crawford acquisition.

So The CHB admits James was right, then says we don't need him anyway. Hmmm....makes sense!

Then The CHB hammers Lance Armstrong, calling him a cheater and drug user. Keep in mind, this is the same CHB who ignored all the steroid talk (and praised Barry Bonds) up until the point that the Mitchell Report came out. And for good measure he also ignored any possibility that Armstrong might be doping while the rider was actually, you know, riding. So it's nice to see the Globe's top sports columnist is remaining so far ahead of the curve.

Oh wait, here's Shank's predictions for 2011: "Lance Armstrong will be indicted and Roger Clemens will go to prison." The 0-fer continues!

Anyone else notice how The Globe has quietly brought Shaughnessy back out from behind the pay wall. It seems Boston's paper of record is awaking to the fact that readers view The CHB the way we slow down to gawk at a disabled car: we'll take a passing interest in the wreck, but we would never care enough to actually pay for it.

'O' My

Waiting for the The CHB column where he tells the world that the Red Sox once had Dan Duquette, GM of the first place Baltimore Orioles, but then fired him for the "Boy Wonder."

That would be the same Dan Duquette who, and Shank has repeatedly reminded us, said Roger Clemens was in the "twilight of his career" upon letting him go to free agency, and mocked him for his managerial choices (Jimy Williams, Joe Kerrigan) and free agent signings (Jose Offerman, et al).

Anniversary

Shank celebrates the last day the Red Sox were considered good.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Today’s the day. The Red Sox have officially reeked for one calendar year. Today marks Day 366 (leap year, people) since the last time everything was peachy in Red Sox Nation.

On this date last year, Josh Beckett pitched seven strong innings and the Sox beat the Yankees, 9-5, at Fenway Park, giving Boston 11 wins in 14 games against the Bronx Bombers (I think the game was a sellout and they might have played “Sweet Caroline” before the home half of the eighth).

The column itself is good, by Shank standards; the fact that he's written more or less the same damn column at least forty times in the same time span shows the reader precisely why Dan Shaughnessy Watch exists in the first place.

We get it - the Red Sox are not a good team. Do we really need eleven such columns this month alone? Lazy, petty & vindictive is no way to go through life, son...

Dirty Laundry 2.0

Now that the season is more or less over for the 2012 Boston Red Sox, Shank wants to assign some, most or all of the blame on Theo Epstein.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — The Red Sox owners are here, and they’re having a hard time keeping the smiles off their faces after what they did to the Dodgers last weekend.

It’s hard not to gloat when you dump more than a quarter of a billion dollars in payroll on the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers, by the way, are 2-3 since the trade was announced, including a 10-0 beating (Josh Beckett’s start) at the hands of the last-place Rockies. Los Angeles Times columnist T. J. Simers wrote, “They appear lifeless and uninspired in three consecutive losses to the dead meat likes of the Marlins and Rockies.’’
...

But enough about the Sox snookering the Dodgers. John Henry, Tom Werner, and Larry Lucchino are still angry. And I think I know why. It really bothers them that Theo Epstein isn’t getting enough blame for the train wreck that is the Red Sox of the last 12 months.

Since Shank owes Tom Werner for helping to get his daugher an intership six years ago, he'll gladly go to bat for ownership. The representative from Massachusetts now has the floor!

Epstein made a ton of bad moves in the later years of his tenure, then went to Chicago for a $19 million contract and watched from afar as the Sox decomposed. John, Tom, and Larry would like to remind you of this.

So I will do it for them.

Mistakes were made. Money was spent badly. The Sox lost their way and tried to throw money at their problems.

Remember who one of the advocates of higher spending was?

They dished out millions for Johnny Damon, Keith Foulke, Daisuke Matsuzaka and J.D. Drew. They raided rosters of the Have Nots. Now they are complaining about Yankee payroll?

It's absurd. Epstein, like Brian Cashman, can afford to make mistakes. Edgar Renteria and Julio Lugo are examples A and B of Theo's biggest blunders. This year the Sox will pay $18 million to have Lugo and Mike Lowell (trade pending with the Rangers) play for other teams.

Epstein is touting organization prospects named Jose Iglesias, Ryan Kalish, Ryan Westmorland, Casey Kelly and Lars Anderson, but they are a couple of years away. In Boston the message needs to be "win now.''

And that means "Beat the Yankees.''

Of course, you're not fool enough to think Shank did the heavy lifting to make the compelling argument against Theo Epstein, are you?

That’s why it must have felt good this week when the owners read a carve job on Epstein, penned by Tom Van Riper at Forbes. Van Riper said Epstein, “has to go down as the decade’s most overrated baseball executive.’’ The piece said Dan Duquette built the core of the Sox 2004 championship team and that Epstein won the World Series by “tinkering with Duquette’s blueprint.’’

These aren't exactly news flashes to us, but read on to marvel / laugh at Shank's transparent attempt to look fair and impartial.

Trade War

Dan Shaughnessy on CSNNE, July 25, 2012: "I want the Sox to be sellers. I don't want them to go for it this year."

Dan Shaughnessy, Aug. 7, 2012: "The big-spending days are over. The Sox are done."

Dan Shaughnessy, Aug. 29, 2012: "Now comes the reality. The inconvenient truth. Take a good look at Tuesday night’s lineup, a/k/a The Sons of Mario Mendoza. "

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XIV

Unconfirmed reports have Boston Globe columnist Joan Vennochi being suspended for plagiarizing a column (first reported at Free Republic; original quoted article below is unmistakably Howie Carr):

On Aug. 15, GOP political columnist Todd Domke wrote on a WBUR blog that Vice President Joe Biden should apologize for his “chains” remarks. Two days later, in an unsigned editorial, Vennochi wrote, well, basically the same thing.

The bow-tied bumkissers have refused to release the name of their latest scofflaw in the tradition of Mike Barnicle, Patricia X. Smith, Jayson Blair and a host of other Globe pipe artists and journalistic grifters.

But multiple sources have confirmed that the latest member of the Globe Hall of Shame is Vennochi … [Vennochi] did not return several phone calls and an email over the weekend seeking comment on her suspension.

Imagine that - a Globie suspended for plagiarism by ripping off an article about... another plagairist. This article, rich in irony!

Along with radio silence at the Globe on this matter, it's more or less why it's unconfirmed at this point. I'll pile on as this develops.

Real Tough Call There, Mike

From Shank's column on the blockbuster trade:

It would be the biggest Red Sox trade since Babe Ruth was dealt to the Yankees for cash in 1920.

Hope this one works out better.

No, you don't - that would impact sales of your next book, "Curse of the Bambino II - Electric Boogaloo"...

Curse, Redux?

I awoke in a cold sweat this morning with the most horrible thought:

What if The CHB parlays the (imminent) trade of Adrian Gonzalez, Josh Beckett and Carl Crawford as an opportunity to revive his Curse of the Babe routine?

NooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Duh, I Like-ah da Bass-bawl

So about a gazillion things going on with the Red Sox tonight, not the least of which could be the team's most significant trade in the past 20 years, and here's The CHB's "question" at the post-game presser: "Pedro Ciriaco, just another clutch hit for you guys."

Ruh-tahd.

DHL Dan - XV

You know it's the dog days of summer when Shank 'treats' us to his second Picked Up Pieces column in a fortnight. Treats isn't quite the right word, 'inflicts' is more accurate. I usually describe these 'efforts' as dumpster fodder, and this one is no exception. The majority of the column reads like the weekly dump he's been taking on the Red Sox since the beginning of the season, then he sprinkles in some fluff & sidebars and has the nerve to call the result a column.

Here he is, likely describing lunch with Andy Gresh:

Here’s my take on the sellout streak (778 and counting). It’s like sitting at lunch with someone you don’t know well and noticing that they have spinach in their teeth. The longer you go without saying anything, the worse it gets. You both feel better once you come clean. That’s what the streak has become. The Sox are strangled by their own monster here. Best to admit it’s over and we can all get on with our lives.

Then we're given an example of what passes for clear, strategic thinking:

John Farrell makes a lot of sense as the next Sox manager. He is especially tight with Sox assistant GM Mike Hazen, and the Sox and Jays should be able to do something about the one year remaining on Farrell’s Toronto contract.

...

Mike Scioscia has been manager of the Angels since 2000 and is signed through 2018. He has been on the hot seat because of the Angels’ underperformance. If the Angels want to make a switch, how about the Sox making a deal to pick up Scioscia’s contract?

Well, which is it? Maybe Shank could have been bothered to take the next logical step and say 'I prefer this guy over that guy', or does that require too much effort? Is anyone else convinced Shank does not proofread his columns before submitting them? This is just further evidence that Shank doesn't have an editor, and the reader will be insulted every time Shank blatantly mails in a column of this stripe, or tunes into 98.5 FM when he's in the booth with Gresh & Zolak.

The Spin Doctors

There must have been a blue moon last night; Shank actually sat down and interviewed an athlete, in this case it's Dustin Pedroia of the Boston Red Sox. Pedroia gives his side of the story with respect to the Palace Revolt from late last month, which does not mesh with the story as it came out last week (that players, led by Pedroia, wanted manager Bobby Valentine fired).

Exactly one year ago, Dustin Pedroia was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, captured flying through the air as he turned a double play. The Red Sox were finishing up a stretch in which they went 39 games over .500, and the headline accompanying Pedroia’s image was “Heart of the Red Sox.’’

Tuesday night, Pedroia came home to Fenway Park, wearing the scars of his first public flogging by the beast of Boston baseball. He went 1 for 5 against the Angels in another demoralizing 5-3 loss as the Sox dropped five games under .500.

Unlike, say, those uplifting 11-2 losses...

Pedroia was crushed by fans and sports talk radio jockeys last week when news leaked of the Palace Revolt from late July.

Let me remind the readers who one of the sports radio talk jockeys is, just so you know who's stoking this fire.

Fenway folks got angry when it was reported that Pedroia led the “fire Bobby” storm that swept across Red Sox Nation. Boston’s former MVP was characterized as a bad guy in the clubhouse and reminded again that he’s the one who said, “That’s not the way we do things here,” when Valentine attempted to light a fire under Kevin Youkilis.

He took a couple days away from the media when the Sox lost two of three in New York. I caught up with him in the Sox dugout three hours before the series opener against the struggling Angels.

The column gets better from there, primarily due to Shank's silence until the end paragraph, where he slides in a Buffalo Springfield song reference. Time for Shank to update his iPod list, if he knows what an iPod is....

Father to Son

The scene: 11 AM, December 10, 2011, Dan Shaughnessy's kitchen

Dan and his son Sam are sitting at the table. Sam is noticeably hung over, and has marks on his wrists from where he had been handcuffed the night before.

Dan: Well, son, last night it seems you went out, got drunk, screamed obscenities and punched a cop. What do you have to say for yourself?

Sam: I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I had stayed at Larry's, none of this would have happened.

Dan: That's an excuse, you lazy beer-and-chicken eating perp.

Sam: I was hurt...I got cut from the BC baseball team and I thought you'd be mad. I know how you hate anything that hurts your book sales. 

Dan: You look like a guy who just hates being here. Maybe we should trade you.

Sam (raises eyebrow, puzzled): Huh?

Dan: You really need to stop ducking my emails and take responsibility.  And no, it doesn't matter if I mistyped your name in the TO line.

Sam (totally bewildered, sputtering): Things aren’t going the way you want them to, so you’re scrutinized more. We sort of made that bed ourselves and it’s up to us to make it better. When we make it better there will be less scrutiny and probably fewer distractions.

Dan: Amen, to that. Finally someone in a position of power admits the reality.

And that is today's column in a nutshell. Just substitute "Ben Cherington/Red Sox" for "Sam." As usual, don't confuse The CHB with the facts.

Sunday Follies

Yesterday, The CHB went after Larry Lucchino, writing that Lawyer Larry was guilty of a "ridiculous spin" and that he "simply cannot just tell the truth." Lucchino apparently didn't respond to a Shaughnessy email (The CHB can use a computer! Who knew?), which, coupled with a few extra cold ones, left Dan stewing in the summer heat.

Buzz gone, Shaughnessy awoke to a raging hangover and the realization that in his Schnapps-fueled frenzy, he mistyped Lucchino's email address. Bummer, dude.

So here's The CHB's take on Jon Lester after two good starts in a row: "We can debate the merits of keeping Valentine, Beckett, Lackey, and other misfits of the wreckage of 2012, but there can be no doubt about Jon Lester."

But here's what he wrote on July 18: "[T]here is no excuse for Lester. This is sheer underperformance. And it is killing Boston’s baseball summer."

And on March 4: "This year is a little different. He is not just another established starting pitcher down here with the Red Sox getting his work in. He is a man on a mission to make amends."

Back to July 18: "He looks like a guy who just hates being here. There was sports-talk radio babble about trading Lester at the All-Star break. Now we wonder. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea."

But on Aug. 19: "Despite this terrible season, he is something the Sox can build on. Lester is a keeper."

Flip. Flop.

Oh, and how embarrassing for the columnist who has been calling out Adrian Gonzalez to learn that it was not the All-Star first baseman but now-traded Kelly Shoppach who complained to management about Valentine. Oops. Does that make The CHB a liar? By his math, it most certainly does.

A Hazy Shade of Winter (Ale)

Dan Shaughnessy Watch has obtained the lede to the first draft of The CHB's column today:

"It’s good to be back guzzling tall boys on the Sox watch for a few days here in the Bronx."

And the coverup continues.  The CHB believes Red Sox management is lying about the intent of the July players meeting, adding "Once again, the Sox simply cannot just tell the truth."

Shaughnessy, alcohol settling in with full force, then veers to David Page, spending the better part of the piece quoting Tweets from the fired Red Sox strength and conditioning coach, including one where he bashes Clay Buchholz. Way to break the news. By the way, that would be 11-3 Clay Buchholz, who only has thrown six good starts in a row, and has been stellar in 10 of his last 12. If you're going to pick on a pitcher for being out of shape, better to go after one who isn't throwing like Cy Young. 

And Dan, about those Simon & Garfunkel references: They broke up in the 1970s. Just about the time you wrote your last relevant sentence.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XIII

So you're the New York Times, parent company of the Boston Globe. You continue to lose money at an astonishing rate while your subsidiary loses half of its dead tree readership in a three year span and shitcans yet more employees.

So what do you do for an encore? Give the new CEO a boatload of money, that's what!

Incoming New York Times CEO Mark Thompson stands to make at least $8 million dollars by the end of 2013, financial filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission revealed Friday.

The outgoing BBC director general will be paid a base salary of $1 million, a sum that will be substantially padded by assorted perks, bonuses and benefits.

When he starts work in November, the 55-year-old will be eligible for a $3 million signing-on bonus, $100,000 in relocation allowances, $25,000 for legal fees (that non-disclosure agreement sure is expensive - ed) and $333,000 in salary and bonuses until the end of this year.

In 2013 he will also be eligible for $1 million a year under the company's annual incentive program and be able to tap $3 million as part of the company's long-term incentive program, bringing the total to nearly $8.5 million.

The Times, which is America's most prestigious newspaper (ha ha - that's a good one! - ed) as well as a growing online news power, said it had recruited Thompson for his ability to develop non-traditional news products.

Great work, guys!

Train Wreck Radio

Who are the Einsteins that think stuff like this makes for good radio?

(Aug. 13, 2012) The Boston Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy is in for Gresh, so Zo led things off talking with Shaughnessy about the Boston Red Sox. The soap opera at Fenway continued since Zo was last in, so Shaughnessy is in charge of getting him up to date.

I had something more interesting to do that morning as I was watching paint dry...

Asleep At The Wheel?

One would think that the soap opera that is the 2012 Boston Red Sox would provide Shank with endless opportunities to bash everyone in the Red Sox organization from ownership to the grounds crew. Really, why stop with just one dump a week on the Olde Towne Team? Kick a team when they're down - it's easier that way!

Michael Felger pointed out on his radio show yesterday that the story that started this most recent chapter was done by Yahoo Sports, with no local writers doing any original reporting or digging. So where the hell is Shank on this one?

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XII

The Liberal Death Star New York Times, parent company of the Boston Globe, came out with the quarterly financial statements last week. In a development that should surprise no one, the company continues to bleed red. Net loss for the quarter = $88.1 million. Management is largely silent on the forward looking statements, which can be found here. Like there's anything positive to say...

Hollow Man

The CHB has long since perfected the ability to pen piece together a column with zero effort. Today's mail-job work is one such example.

To wit, only Shaughnessy could write a 994-word obituary on Johnny Pesky and have it come across as completely sterile. But here, and only here, does The CHB truly excel. He works in all the obligatory nostalgia -- Carlton Fisk, the 1975 World Series, Jim Rice, Nomar Garciaparra, Dominic DiMaggio, Tony Conigliaro, Carl Yastrzemski, Babe Ruth, Jimmie Foxx., Roger Clemens, Mo Vaughn. It's as if The CHB just read a piece on search engine optimization and stuffed all those names hoping for some cheap traffic.

And yes, The CHB rehashes the (incorrect) account of how Duquette kicked Pesky out of the dugout, an act which all parties agree was done on behalf of then-manager Jimy Williams.

Ripped to Shreds

When the 800mg Tylenol capsules can't fix The CHB's alcohol-addled brain fast enough, he writes about ... nothing and calls it "Picked Up Pieces." Let's start the shredding!

"[Bob] Ryan came on board with the inimitable Peter Gammons in June of 1968 when the country was in shock over the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy."

As the New Yorker used to say, "Block that metaphor!"

"Count me as one who missed the memo that the Red Sox are allowing beer in the clubhouse on the road after games. ... Now we’re all supposed to shrug and say it’s no big deal that the beer is still there on the road?"

Yes. Because -- lo and behold -- based on their team record, alcohol (or the lack of it) apparently has had no effect on the Red Sox this season. Maybe some things in baseball come down to luck and timing after all. Who knew.

"Watch Bruce [Jenner] on Kardashian TV. The once-great Jenner is our male Joan Rivers."

So The CHB is saying he watches the Kardashians. What a shock. Probably where he gets most of his material.

The One Where The CHB Decries Success

For today's version of Stupid Human Tricks, The CHB ties himself into a knot trying to decide whether the Red Sox management, Bobby Valentine or the team itself is to blame for this year's underperformance. Ultimately -- meaning for today -- he settles on owner John Henry.

But what's not allowed: discussion of injuries. No matter that the Sox have lost their starting 2B, SS, 3B, LF, CF, RF and DH, all to the DL, plus countless pitchers of all stripes. That's not a good reason, according to Shaughnessy. Which is fair, in a way, since no one blames his complete lack of logic on the fact that he's a total retard.

The CHB clearly is drooling over the prospect of continuing to lay into Henry for having the audacity to own more than one professional franchise. This is disingenuous, of course (see "retard," above), for many reasons. If Henry were making daily decisions, Shaughnessy would attack him for interfering. Oh, and one may recall Jerry Reinsdorf, another hands-off executive who just happens to own the Bulls and the White Sox, they of a combined seven league titles.

Maybe Shaughnessy's just jealous that it was Henry, and not himself, who ended up nailing the very becoming Linda Pizzuti.  Ah well, Shank, back to the fatties at The Fours for you.

Speaking Of Nothing New

Shank takes his bi-weekly piss on the Boston Red Sox.

Red Sox owners got back from the Olympics on Saturday.

As part of the ongoing effort to assist our former business partners (alas, the New York Times Co. no longer owns 17 percent of the fabled franchise), here’s what the Sox bosses missed while they were overseeing their all-important LeBron James investment in London:

They missed another week of dead-ass, .500 baseball. They missed three straight losses to the Tigers and Twins. They missed Friday night, when the tin soldiers of Fenway held a 5-1 lead over the moribund Twins, then lost 6-5, in 10, falling below .500 yet again.

At least Shank has a new cliche! Can't wait to read it fifty more times over the next two months.

They missed a chance to trade Adrian Gonzalez to the Dodgers for a bunch of players who could help build for the future in Boston. The Dodgers really wanted Gonzo and I’m thinking the Sox could learn to live without him just as they learned to live without Nick Esasky.

Yes, they could do a trade to help the team, even though Shank said the opposite just six days ago. And do you remember when Shank had a embarrassing man crush on Gonzo? Seems like only yesterday...

The rest of the column is just Shank piling on, missing few targets.

Bobby V to CHB: You're An Idiot!

The manager of the Red Sox video-bombed Shaughnessy last night, telling a camera filming The CHB that "I'm not trying to get fired folks ... It was all made up by him."

Another revelation: The CHB has teeth! I figured he just gummed the beer bottles open.

Will the Real Shaughnessy Please Stand Up

The more he opens his mouth, the more he contradicts himself.

"I want the Sox to be sellers. I don't want them to go for it this year," Shaughnessy on CSNNE, July 25, 2012

"This might be one of those times when the best deal really is no deal," Shaughnessy, Boston Globe, July 30, 2012

They got some good bars in NYC, I hear. That Funky Monkey can wreak havoc on your brain cells.

Mathworks

So now Shaughnessy's a math major. Because there are a bunch of teams in the playoff hunt, obviously the Red Sox can't make it. "The math doesn’t work. All those teams cannot lose every day because they are playing one another."

Except that the good folks at ESPN report the Sox have a better than 1 in 5 chance of making the playoffs, which is superior to two of the teams ahead of them in the standings in their own division. All those teams don't have to lose every day. If they play .500 ball and the Red Sox play .550 ball, the Red Sox will be in. That doesn't sound like the math doesn't work. That sounds like they just need to go on a hot streak.

Oh, to be old and dumb, just like The CHB.

Opposite Day

Because The CHB says the Red Sox are done, it probably means they aren't.

• Like in 2003, when he wrote the Red Sox will win the World Series. (They didn't.)
• And in July 2004, when he wrote the Red Sox won't win the World Series. (They did.)
• And in September 2009, when he wrote "It feels like the Red Sox are going to the World Series." (They didn't.) 
• And in September 2011, when he wrote "It is not 1978.  (It was.)

Then there's this gem: "If the old rules applied today, the Sox would be in 11th place in a 14-team American League. And there would be no hope of playing October baseball."

Well, fortunately for Sox fans, the old rules are no more relevant today than Shaughnessy is. Since 2001, only two World Series winners (the Yankees in 2003 and the White Sox in 2005) would have made the playoffs outright under the 1967 rules. The 2006 champion Cardinals won just 83 regular season games!

The One Where Shank Stirs The Pot

Shank likes it so much, he ought to have his own Food Network show.

NEW YORK — Saturday was eventful at Yankee Stadium.

Carl Crawford, the man with the $142 million contract, was not in Boston’s lineup against CC Sabathia. Crawford said he was embarrassed and ready to play. Sounding defiant and dubious, Bobby Valentine said he was just following orders. Bobby finally seems to be telling us that if he’s going to go down, he’s going down on his own terms.

Terry Francona visited the Sox clubhouse and hung out for a half-hour, swapping stories with some of his former players. One of Francona’s favorites, Jon Lester, pitched better than he has in recent outings, but let a 6-1 game become a 6-4 game when he walked a pair and surrendered three runs in the fifth.

Baked Potato Time

Stick a fork in the 2012 Red Sox, says Shank; they're done.

NEW YORK — Please. Can we stop this nonsense about a phony wild card and “playoffs?”

You have a team with a $175 million payroll trotting out the likes of Daniel Nava and Pedro Ciriaco as designated hitters. It’s embarrassing and it does not deserve to be rewarded with excuse making and silly playoff dreams.

Red Sox fans are not stupid.

The Sox lost again Friday night, 10-3, in the Bronx. Since Sept. 1 the Sox are 56-71, yet still cling to the preposterous notion that they are part of baseball’s elite class. They make excuses about injuries and they try to keep you interested because they still have a chance at a one-game playoff and then . . . well, anything can happen, right?

All the negativity in this town sucks:

No. Curt Schilling, Pedro Martinez, Derek Lowe, and Johnny Damon are not walking through that door. You now have tin soldiers Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, and Jacoby Ellsbury.

The rest of the column is solid, not my usual descriptor for Shank's columns.

Busted?

I heard this one a few weeks ago, now it finally hits print. As much as I don't like the son of a bitch, even I didn't he could be this stupid.

PI SCOOP … TSONGAS CAMPAIGN REPORTS BOSTON GLOBE COLUMNIST DAN SHAUGHNESSY MADE DONATION HE DIDN’T: Deep within the campaign finance filings of Rep. Niki Tsongas (D-Mass.) is a: $250 contribution last year from Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy. At face value, the contribution would appear to violate the Globe’s newsroom ethics policy (http://b.globe.com/O2vaim ), which plainly states: “Staff members may not themselves give money to any political candidate or election cause or raise money for one” and “journalists do not take part in politics. (insert laugh track here - ed)”

Boston Globe editor Marty Baron tells PI that the Tsongas campaign “improperly listed” the contribution as coming from Shaughnessy. “I’ve spoken to Dan and his wife, Marilou. The check was written by Marilou on her own behalf. It was written on a joint checking account … Dan did not make the donation,” Baron wrote in an email. As proof, Baron included a copy of the contribution check (http://bit.ly/MomDWS ), which lists both husband and wife at its top but is signed by Marilou Shaughnessy.

The joint checking account part was definitely dumb - I wonder if that gets / keeps him in hot water?

Told about the contribution, the Tsongas campaign checked its books, and Deputy Campaign Manager Jesse Bragg acknowledged: “It was definitely an administrative error on our side that we will amend as soon as possible.”

To paraphrase former Washington DC mayor Marion Barry, "Bitch set me up!"

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XI

Is this a good thing for the Globe?

The New York Times Company reported a second-quarter loss on Thursday because of a write-down in the value of About.com and continuing declines in print and digital advertising revenue.

The net loss was $88.1 million, or 60 cents a share, compared with a net loss of $119.7 million, or 79 cents a share, in the period a year earlier, when the company wrote down the value of its regional newspapers, which it later sold.

UPDATE at 4:12 PM - Another crap liberal rag will no longer be offered in print form in 2013.

His Head Is Spinning

Is Obnoxious Boston Fan a nom de plume for The CHB?

Chip Buck at Fire Brand of the AL thinks he might be.

Something seems really fishy.  OBF criticized the ”family comes first” comment by Lester.  Then, he calls Boston ”The Hub” a couple of paragraphs later. ... Finally, in a single paragraph he’s alluded to a Cherington/Lucchino power struggle, criticized John Henry for owning the Liverpool Football Club, and mentioned Carmine in a negative light.  I could be crazy, but the only person who regularly mentions these things (and he does it in nearly every article) is Dan Shaughnessy.

Yowsa. If Shaughnessy is now imitating Shaughnessy, then his head must be spinning worse than the morning after a typical night at The Fours trying to keep straight which is the Real Shaughnessy and which is the Fake Shaughnessy. I mean, who aspires to imitate idiocy? And what does that mean for those of us who mock it?

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - X

A former Boston Globe employee who comments on this site is known, among other things, for insisting that 'The Globe ain't going anywhere', despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.

The Globe may or may not be going anywhere, but we know fifty-three people who are going somewhere - under le guillotine:

The Boston Globe has offered buyouts to 20 newsroom staffers and 23 advertising employees, at the same time it laid off 10 people from across the publication, according to the paper’s publisher.

The cutbacks come amid plummeting circulation at the beleaguered broadsheet (they worked in an alliteration; how clever! - ed.) and renewed speculation that the New York Times [NYT] Co. is looking to sell the Globe and its sister paper, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette.

“These continue to be challenging times for our industry and our business. We face rapid change in how readers get their information and how advertisers communicate their messages. That requires us to make tough choices along the way about how to allocate our resources,” Globe Publisher Christopher M. Mayer wrote to the newspaper’s staff, according to boston.com.

I just wanted to emphasize a few things for our beloved commenter, just in case he feigns ignorance or does his Kevin Bacon routine at this 'evidence to the contrary' thingy...

The buyouts were offered to both union and management employees. Not everyone offered buyouts will necessarily accept them, Mayer said (in which case they will get shitcanned - ed.). The company refused to say how much money it hopes to save with the job cuts.

The latest audit in May saw the Globe’s daily print circulation fall below the 200,000 mark for the first time in its history.

That's, like, less than half of what it was less than three years ago! Is this the Globe or the Titantic? Was our intreipd commenter Bruce M. feeding us bogus, inflated circulation numbers this entire time?

The Herald also reported in May that the Globe was shuttering its suburban bureaus to avoid further bloodletting taking on any more leases. The move was seen as setting the stage for the paper’s last rites sale.

Does this mean Shank won't be going to the Sox / Yankees series this weekend?

Bay State businessman Aaron Kushner — often mentioned as a possible Globe buyer — bought a West Coast chain last June, leading some to speculate whether he’s dropped his bid for the Hub broadsheet. Meanwhile, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, said it offered buyouts yesterday to as many as 10 employees in the news, advertising, and human resources departments, and laid off one worker, according to the paper’s website.

I'd say Kushner's dropped his bid - what's your bet? Where's the value here?

“Today the New England Media Group made funeral arrangements difficult decisions as part of a program to rebalance the business so we could continue to invest in our digital future while providing the highest quality journalism that our readers and advertisers expect from us,” the Times said in a statement.

Wouldn't 135 Morrissey Boulevard make a great dormitory building for UMass-Boston?

Quiz Time II!

An old high school buddy sent me this Ron Borges prediction about drafting Richard Seymour. He says, "Thought you'd get a laugh out of this." I did, in a small way, but he actually set me off, because I remember Ron Borges writing a July 2002 column claiming that Lance Armstrong wasn't an athlete. I dismantled that article in someone's blog comments section, now deleted, unfortunately. It was that article that got me into blogging. That, and my love of the Boston Globe!

As I'm sending links back to my high school buddy (with an expletive-filled e-mail), I run across Borges' Wikipedia page, I see this gem from Shank:

“We should have one of those Globe polls—‘Who do you hate more?’ I’ve challenged Borges to see who could get out the vote. It would be close. And it would be a lot more interesting than who’s going to win the MVP.” -Dan Shaughnessy

So my question to you is - who do you hate more?

* Dan Shaughnessy;
* Ron Borges, or;
* The Boston Globe?

Quiz Time!

The Red Sox have lost three in a row, with the last one a 15 - 7 thrashing that reminds me of one of the funniest lines from South Park - "I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King!"

It's probably written already, but I think Shank's revving up to take the weekly laxative-fueled dump on the Sox. What do you think?

* Yes;
* No;
* Stop writing about my son!

The One Where The CHB Uses a Well-Worn Cliche

"Cody Ross has a flair for the dramatic ...." -- The CHB, Boston Globe, June 20, 2012

"Ross, who has consistently displayed a flair for the dramatic ..."-- Steve Peterson, Bosox Injection, June 20, 2012

"Kevin Youkilis was a fan favorite among the Fenway Faithful, punctuated by his hard play, flair for the dramatic ... " -- Stephen Hewitt, WEEI blog network, June 16, 2012

"... the Red Sox this season ... have had a flair for the dramatic. " -- The Bleacher Report, June 16, 2012

"The Red Sox always show a flair for the dramatic. " -- The Bleacher Report, June 13, 2012

And that's just in one week.

Ugh.

We're Good

Shank stands in the back of the room once again and tells us that the relationship between Dustin Pedroia and Bobby Valentine is hunky dory.

Dustin Pedroia wants you to know that he does not hate Bobby Valentine.

There’s no Bobby V doll in Pedroia’s locker with pins sticking out of it. There’s no Manny Ramirez-Joe Kerrigan thing going on in the Red Sox clubhouse.

“I like Bobby,’’ Pedroia said, a couple of hours before he returned from the disabled list, batting third against the White Sox Thursday night. “I had a relationship with Tito [Terry Francona] over time, but me and Bobby get along great . . . Do I need to wear a [expletive] bike outfit to the field to show I get along with Bobby [Valentine rides his bike everywhere, home and away]? That way, everybody will think we love each other?’’

It is clear throughout the article that Shank isn't buying the story:

What about that game at Wrigley Field when Pedroia stayed at his position when Valentine came out to the mound to talk to a Sox pitcher? It looked like a big diss by the little second baseman.

“I swallowed my dip, man,’’ said Pedroia, sounding very convincing.

If Shank had balls, you'd think he'd just call Pedroia a liar and save us some time; must be a writer's thing.

A gaffe is the inadvertent telling of the truth, right?

What would make him think that anyone thinks the Sox are unhappy?

“I just get that impression,’’ said Pedroia.

Must be the media’s fault. Time to get out the bike shorts.

More often than you think, mate...

No Excuses

When things are going bad for the Red Sox, Shank is at his best.

What’s up with smilin’ Jon Lester?

Other than another curious and abysmal performance by the Red Sox lefthander, Tuesday was a relatively quiet night at Fenway. Nobody went on the disabled list. Nobody said the clubhouse was “toxic,” nor was there any talk about a “disconnect” between Bobby Valentine and his warriors. Bill James was safely locked away in a Kansas basement with no telephone privileges, and no letters were released to Sox season ticket-holders.

But our one takeaway from the Red Sox’ 7-5 loss to the White Sox is that Lester still stinks and nobody knows why.

Can't be anything connected to the incessant, unrelenting negative coverage of the Red Sox this season, right?

Hey, Bruce - when will the Globe drop the paywall?

Follow Dan Shaughnessy On Twitter!

Better yet, don't - it sucks like a shop vac.

Just another example of Shank flipping you the bird.

Close Minded

The CHB thinks Penn State should shut down its football program because a former assistant coach (no longer tied to the program) committed certain atrocities and said atrocities were covered up by the head football coach, the athletic director, a vice president and the president.

But what that good Christian man Shaughnessy doesn't get, of course, is that the coverup is NOT a football problem, or an athletics problem: If a Penn State janitor had been guilty of the same crimes and the administration had covered it up, the school would be in exactly the same position it is now.

No, this is a Penn State University problem, and shutting programs down won't solve anything. Should the Red Sox disband because their former clubhouse manager molested kids for years? Of course not.

Makes me wonder what dirty little secret The CHB is hiding?

Out of It

The Red Sox, who as of this writing are 2.5 games out of the playoffs with 76 games remaining, are a trainwreck, says The CHB.

Hmmm ... how many games did the Rays and Cardinals make up in the last 31 games of the 2011 season, Mr. Short-Term Memory Guy?*

Irony then follows. The CHB says the team is "a parody of itself" and ownership has "lost all sense of accountability." Actually, this reads like he's talking about himself.

*Answer: 9 and 10.5 games, respectively. 

No Son Shine

I suppose it's a bit unfair to note the arrest of The CHB's son on drunk and disorderly charges, except there is some humor in the incident.

To wit: (Son of CHB) Sam Shaughnessy was, among other things, busted for assaulting an officer. Likewise, his father has for decades been an assault on good taste, common sense and humanity.

The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the (brain) dead tree, it seems.

Stuck in His Crawford

In the wake of yesterday's unpleasantries directed at the rehabbing Carl Crawford by some Manchester rube, we sit and wait for The CHB to weigh in on how such behavior shouldn't be tolerated. After all, this is the same scribe who apparently holds those with a "smart, dignified, Christian presence” in high regard. Surely, then, this good Christian man must detest such reprehensible behavior?

Except, of course, he doesn't! As the Globe's Assistant Managing Racist Editor has demonstrated in spades, sensitivity, humility and acceptance are not words taught in any class he took at Holy Cross. Or ever.

P.S. Anyone know if Shank happened to be in the vicinity of Manchvegas last night? Just wondering...

Holy Crap

What a sad state of affairs it is when the former president of Holy Cross dies and one of the alumni interviewed to eulogize him is Dan Shaughnessy.

What a sadder state it is when Shaughnessy touts his "smart, dignified, Christian presence.” This, remember, is the same guy who called David Ortiz a "sad sack of you-know-what" for no apparent reason other than he had signed as a free agent with the Red Sox.

Maybe The CHB had a premonition that Ortiz would someday lead the Red Sox to the Promised Land, thus destroying the "Curse of the Babe" cottage industry Shank had spent (wasted?) his career building up.

Head of Clay

The CHB yesterday on Clay Buchholz's appearance at a charity event at Foxwoods despite medical and team clearance: "No matter how harmless it is ... it looks like a lapse in judgment."

Well, if it weren't for the media like The CHB, no one would even know about it. Certainly no one cares.

Remember Nomar? The CHB Doesn't

The CHB hates the Youkilis deal, saying he would have kept him in Boston no matter his attitude: "They got a bag of balls [for him]."

How things have changed. Was it really eight years ago where under almost identical circumstances he was insisting the Red Sox trade Nomar Garciaparra "(one of the best and most popular players in the history of the Red Sox franchise") because of  injuries and poor play? "Everybody's favorite Red Sox appears to have become a wildly unhappy ballplayer, struggling to return from an injury, resentful of the front office, and determined to walk at the end of the season."

The echoes are resounding. Heck, both players were even traded to the same city. You'd think someone who trades so much on history would, you know, remember some of it.

(At least this time, The CHB didn't falsely announce Youkilis had been traded to the Twins.)

Rehashing in the Ivy

June 17.

Wrigley Field.

Red Sox-Cubs.

"What a Field Day for the Hate," says The CHB, who knows a little something about hating and being hated.

After rehashing, for the umpteenth time, the bad blood between Dale Sveum and the Red Sox owners (really, a misstatement -- there's no reason to think the Red Sox owners don't like Sveum. After all, they employed him for two years and then interviewed him for the manager's job. It is, however, easy to see why Sveum, manager of the worst team in baseball, might be a tad peeved that he had to settle for the Cubs job.); Larry Lucchino and Theo Epstein (never heard that one before); Terry Francona and the Red Sox owners (nor that one); and Starlin Castro and Bobby Valentine (you really think Bobby V cares what a middle infielder on a last place team in the other league thinks of him?).
 
Oh, the humanity.
 Not done, The CHB turns his sights on Josh Beckett, who "simply loves playing the bad guy." Projection alert!

Can't believe he left out Larry Bird and Dr. J. Missed opportunity there.

Swooning for Sveum

Why does The CHB care so much for Dale Sveum?

It can't be because he's been a successful major league manager.

What pictures does Sveum have of The CHB with those farm animals outside of Milwaukee, anyway?

A Novel Approach for the Ape

The CHB interviews Theo Epstein and there's no mention of the gorilla suit. A first!

Cellar Dweller

Shank would like to remind his readers one more time that the Boston Red Sox are last in the American League East.

PHILADELPHIA — They are the last-place Boston Red Sox.

It has become part of their name. They are no longer just the Red Sox. Just as the Wallendas are the Flying Wallendas, and the Bosstones are the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, the Sox are the last-place Red Sox.

Cellar dwellers. Basement boys. Bringing up the rear.

When I was a kid, we had a dumb joke about the Washington Senators. Washington was first in war, first in peace, and last in the American League.

And now the Red Sox are the bottom-feeders of the AL East. Sorry, but it’s hard to get my head around that one.

We are not talking about a tiny sample. After Sunday’s game, the Sox will have played more than one-quarter of their season. And they have been in last place every day of the season. It’s simply hard to believe.

A year ago, they were touted as a 100-win team. “Best Team Ever’’ was the infamous Herald headline. They stumbled out of the gate, then lived up to the billing, playing 40 games over .500 for four months.

I can't get my head around it, but damn, do I like writing about it! Also, remember that Shank was one of the touters.

The rest of the column wallows in its last placedness, and a few quotes from Bobby Valentine & Dustin Pedroia.

The Weathervane

Shank tends to get caught up in the moment. Two days ago he all but said the Celtics will waltz into the next round; now, he's not so sure. You'd think a columnist who's been around as long as Shank would have a more tempered reaction after winning Game 3. Not anymore...

PHILADELPHIA - The tomato cans were falling down in front of the Celtics.

No Bulls. The Heat on the brink of self-immolation. The Celtics had a 2-1 series lead over the Sixers and an 18-point lead in the third quarter of Game 4. They were toying with the young bucks from Philly.

And they let it get away. They blew a golden opportunity to get an almost-free pass into the conference finals. They were beaten Friday night, 92-83.

Now the series is 2-2 and they are going to have to come back here. They might have to play seven. They might even (gulp) lose to these guys.

It's a standard Shank-style recap from that point out.

DHL Dan - XIV

Shank writes his first picked-up pieces column in seven weeks; would you care to guess what the first subject is?

Shame on Curt Schilling

Picked-up pieces while wondering who’ll be next to be “sacked’’ by John Henry and Tom Werner . . .

■ There are parts of Rhode Island where failing to make good on million-dollar loan payments gets you more than a bloody sock. Red Sox adviser Jeremy Kapstein was out front on the 38 Studios loan scam two years ago when he ran for Rhode Island Lieutenant Governor and told WPRO-AM, “I have serious questions about the viability of that kind of offer to a company that is full of questions.’’

Kapstein was not alone. Massachusetts officials scoffed at the notion of loaning Curt Schilling’s company $75 million. The following appeared in this space in July 2010: “Hats off to the ship of fools known as the Rhode Island Economic Development Corp. The RIEDC yesterday pledged a $75 million loan guarantee to lure Curt Schilling’s game company (the one with no games) to the Ocean State. It’s the best demonstration of sports sycophants gone wild with public money since the yahoos in Connecticut promised to give Bob Kraft the world to move his team to Yo Adriaen’s Landing in Hartford.’’

RIEDC director Keith Stokes resigned yesterday.

No thinking person wants to see a company fail (unless it's the NYT - ed.). There are hundreds of jobs at stake. But it’s hard to believe that Schilling, who earned $114 million during his baseball career, can’t make a $1.1 million loan payment.

Schilling is the man who railed about government spending, then had his hand out for corporate welfare, and now asks for more help from the confederacy of dunces in Rhode Island. This is not the Rhode Island Enron, and Schill is not Jeffrey Skilling, but it is bad, and it was avoidable if not for public officials losing all common sense in the aura of a baseball player who delivered on a promise to bring us a championship.

Takin' Care Of Business

Shank states the self-evident in today's column.

PHILADELPHIA - At halftime of Game 2 at TD Garden Monday night, Charles Barkley said on TNT, “It’s 100 percent clear to me that the Celtics have zero respect for the 76ers.’’
I’ll second that.
Everybody knows the Celtics are better than the Sixers. And that includes the Celtics. It’s easy to see why the Celtics might be taking their opponents lightly.
The Celtics throttled the Sixers, 107-91, at the Wells Fargo Center Wednesday night to take a 2-1 series lead in this Eastern Conference semifinal.
Philadelphia coach Doug Collins acknowledged that the Celtics are already looking ahead to the next round.
“I think they are looking at that other series [Miami-Indiana] a little bit,’’ said Collins. “I think they see Chris Bosh being out. They see a tremendous opportunity for themselves.’’
A series can’t be any closer than 2-1 after three games, but I am inclined to agree with Sir Charles and Collins. The Celtics are toying with the Sixers. It got them in trouble in Game 2 in Boston and it can get them in trouble again. But not Wednesday night.
The Sixers are younger and more athletic than the Celtics, but they are also a No. 8 seed. They staggered at the end of the regular season and barely made the playoffs. By the admission of Collins, they lose just about every close game.

Swing And A Miss

I missed a blue moon event on Sunday - the rare second Shank column in the same day.

The Celtics are everybody’s favorite team in Boston in the spring of 2012, and they won another pulsating playoff game Saturday night, beating the Philadelphia 76ers, 92-91, in Game 1 of their Eastern Conference semifinal series. But it’s hard to get too excited about a series against these Sixers, who are just so young and . . . anonymous. Really. How much energy can you manufacture for this round? Seen anybody wearing a “Iguodala Sucks’’ T-shirt lately?

Now that the Celtics lost Game 2, I guess now is a good a time as any to get excited.

By the way, when does Shank write his next Curt Schilling column? If you're Shank, you generally need someone else to take the first shot at Schilling, then Shank is usually third man in to try to finish him off. Or is this article enough cover fire for Shank to go after Curt's flank?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Shank had a lot of fun writing this column in which he compares and contrasts the Celtics and the Red Sox' differing fortunes this year. And last year as well - the 7-20 record from September 2011 is mentioned, as well as two mentions of chicken & beer, and Josh Beckett golfing.

This came two weeks after the Sox were routed, 15-9, after taking a 9-0 lead in a nationally televised game against the Yankees. According to Valentine, that was supposed to be “rock bottom.’’
Maybe not.
Friday’s Boston sports pages and radio shows offered a stunning juxtaposition of the two local teams. Headlines touting Garnett’s remarkable 28-point, 14-rebound effort in a series-clinching, 3-point win against the Hawks ran alongside Beckett’s poor performance and tone-deaf postgame remarks (“My off day is my off day. . . . We get 18 off days a year’’).
Beckett makes $17 million annually and starts approximately 35 games in a healthy season. Garnett makes $21 million per year, but knows enough not be seen at the Leo J. Martin Golf Course when he’s sitting out with an injury. While Beckett alienated fans with his stubborn and dismissive attitude, Garnett was saying: “I put a lot of work into my craft. I take it seriously.

Beating A Dead Horse?

It's looking like Shank feels that wayabout the Celtics, doesn't it?

ATLANTA - This is a series that needs to be put out of its misery.
The Atlanta Hawks, the no-pride, embarrassing Hawks who stood around and fell behind by 37 points at the Garden Sunday . . . stood tall and beat the Celtics at Philips Arena, 87-86, Tuesday night.
Rajon Rondo stole an inbounds pass in the closing nine seconds, but he dribbled to nowhere and the Celtics never got a shot off. Paul Pierce missed a layup and chucked an airball in the final minute. The Celtics lost track of the foul situation and did not have a timeout after Rondo stole the ball.
“I didn’t like our execution down the stretch,’’ said Celtics coach Doc Rivers. “Overall, they played harder. They played better.’’
So now the series returns to Boston, where the Jurassic Park Green Teamers will try to eliminate the Hawks Thursday night at the Garden. Boston’s 3-1 series lead is now 3-2. These Celtics can’t seem to do anything the easy way, but no Celtics team ever has coughed up a 3-1 series lead.
“They’ve got confidence and momentum,’’ said Pierce with a sigh. “We have to go home and get the job done.’’
Ugh. More uglyball. The Celtics couldn’t hold an 11-point lead in Atlanta in Game 2. They had to go into overtime to win Game 3 at home against a depleted Hawks team that was ready to bring back Sly Williams. The blowout Sunday seemed like Atlanta’s concession speech, but Tuesday night the Celtics couldn’t close it out.

Late Post

I kind of skipped this one Shank column from yesterday, probably because it made a lot of sense and I'm still in shock over that fact.

So, where are we going with this?

Championship banner No. 18? Probably not. But in a year in which the NBA is without a truly elite team (go ahead, count the Heat if you must), the Celtics might as well make a run at the conference finals.

First, they must beat these Atlanta Hawks. And that’s proving to be a little harder than it should be.

The Celtics needed overtime to prevail, 90-84, at the Garden Friday night. They needed overtime to beat a mix-and-match team that was significantly shorthanded. They needed overtime to beat a team that was relying on Tracy McGrady and Erick Dampier. (If Artis Gilmore showed up, Atlanta coach Larry Drew would have put him in the game.)

I think that's been the pattern with the Hawks in recent years - perennial first round playoff opponent, easy for the Celtics on paper, tougher matchups than anticipated when you actually play the games, and the Celtics wind up winning a hard fought series in six or seven games.

Indecision 2012

I'm not talking about the upcoming elections; I'm talking about Shank's latest column, asking if Paul Pierce belongs on the Boston Celtic's all-time starting lineup:

Is it time to put Paul Pierce in the starting five for the all-time Celtics team?

I’m starting to think so.

...

Many of you perhaps already have Paul in your Parquet Pantheon. Not me. I’m a holdout.

...

Hmmmm. Good point. So maybe it should be Pierce alongside Russell, Bird, Havlicek, and Cousy.

On and on it goes, but in the end Shank is there, firmly straddling the fence. And also in the need for the copy desk to get its act together:

Pierce probably belongs. Sure, he has had his moments of immaturity. He played on a lot of bad teams and has only one championship in his pocket. He plays an inelegant game. Some would call it uglyball. But he is the greatest scorer in Celtic history. He has emerged as a leader. And he might be the toughest non-hockey player in the history of our town.

Funny - I thought John Havlicek was the greatest scorer in Celtics history:

John Havlicek is the Celtics all-time leader in points and games played, scoring 26,395 points (20.8 points per game, 11th all-time in points scored in the NBA), and playing in 1,270 games (17th all-time).

Get me rewrite!

Sowing The Seeds Of Doubt

Shank finally does a column on a Red Sox win, but in true Shank fashion, only sees the dark cloud instead of the silver lining.

Clay Buchholz Monday night became the first Red Sox pitcher to give up five or more earned runs in five consecutive starts in 72 years. He also improved his record to 3-1.

Amazing. The guy with the winningest record on the Red Sox has an ERA of 8.69.

The Oakland A’s are the Oakland F’s when it comes to hitting. The not-so-great grandsons of Charles O. Finley came to Fenway with a robust team batting average of .205 in 23 games, easily the lowest in the majors. You’re usually in trouble when your whole team is hitting 5 points north of the Mendoza Line. Where are Brad Pitt and Philip Seymour Hoffman when you really need them?

Guess I'll see Moneyball eventually; maybe that comes with a Globe paywall subscription?

What’s up with Buchholz? He’s put 57 men on base in 29 innings. He’s given up five earned runs three times, six Monday night, and seven in his first start of the season in Detroit. On a lot of teams, this would get you sent to the bullpen or the minors.

Not here. Manager Bobby Valentine said Monday’s outing was “something to build on.’’

Buchholz, in a postgame news conference that bordered on delusional, said, “I felt like it was my most positive outing, except for the line. I walked five guys, but I had my mind made up I wasn’t giving in to guys. I’ll take five walks. That’s how I felt I needed to pitch.’’

Negativity aside, or maybe because of it, this is one of the better Shank articles in a while, which isn't the highest bar to clear.