Predictable

Ask, and ye shall receive:

It’s liberating.

We can all stop now. We can stop scoreboard watching, and doing math tricks, and harboring silly hope that there’s a big surge ahead that will thrust the Red Sox into the 2010 playoffs.

Better to cease with the torment now and accept the obvious. The Sox are not going to be in the hunt in October. The Boston baseball season is going to end Sunday, Oct. 3, at Fenway Park. When Game No. 162 is over, the Yankees will leave town and start their American League Division Series. The Sox will scatter to the four winds.

I think having 20 guys on the disabled list during the year is the only reason Shank's column isn't as vicious as I was expecting.

Anyone else believe Shank had half this article written back in February?

Shank On Patriots / Jets

We're all waiting for the inevitable 2010 Red Sox post-mortem / reaming from Shank, but we'll have to make do until then with another good CNN / SI column:

The pro football season can't start soon enough. Here in New England, we can't wait for Week 2 when the Patriots play the Jets at the new football theatre (WTF? - Ed.) off exit 16W in the Meadowlands.

The Patriots and their fans hate the Jets with the proverbial power of 10,000 suns. It's Red Sox-Yankees with tailgates and goal posts.

I didn't agree with this sentiment last year, but as time and events march on, I'm closer to agreeing with it. Shank starts the rivalry's history with Bill Parcells bolting for the Jets in 1997 and takes it to last week's comment by Tom Brady that he hates the Jets.

Good Josh, Bad Josh

Making up for lost productivity over the past month, Shank bangs out his third consecutive column in as many days. Today he focuses on Josh Beckett, who's not exactly having a career year in 2010 but had a good game yesterday until the seventh inning.

Also worth mentioning - good Shank writing and, um, most of his other stuff...

Idiot

In rare consecutive day columns, Shank ponders Johnny Damon's reason(s) for not coming to Boston. Naturally, he trashes Damon's book before coming close with...

It really makes me wonder how bad things got for him in Boston at the end, when he was negotiating for a new contract after the 2005 season.

He then trashes Red Sox fans (childish, inane, nitwits) before coming out with this gem:

Damon came here from Oakland because Boston offered the best deal. When his contract was up, the Sox offered four years at $40 million while the Yankees offered four years at $52 million. It’s a significant difference. Damon wasn’t a guy who left for one extra dollar. He left because the Yankees outbid the Sox — by a lot.

That's not exactly how Shank viewed the situation at the time:

Johnny Damon is a Yankee and it looks like the Red Sox don't know what they are doing. ... So now your Boston Red Sox have no center fielder, no shortstop, and no first baseman to go along with no Theo Epstein and no clue. It's fair to say this is becoming a winter of discontent in Red Sox Nation. Ben and Jed and Craig and Larry and Tom and John and Crosby, Stills & Nash can spin this anyway they want, but Sox fans can't escape the conclusion that there's chaos at the top. The Josh Beckett trade bought some goodwill and glad tidings, but losing Damon to the Yankees is a devastating blow to the foundation of the Nation.

And the finish:

Damon’s decision to eschew Boston hurts the Red Sox on and off the field. And we may never know the real reason.

It's kind of funny to observe the undisputed heavyweight champion of running athletes out of Boston act like he doesn't understand why Johnny Damon isn't coming back to the Red Sox.

Clementine

Shank returns from his late summer vacation to remind us that Roger Clemens isn't a complete asshole:

Let me tell you the story of Clementine.

Clementine is a 6-foot-tall white teddy bear that sits in a shed behind my house. Clementine is 16 years old and a little worn around the edges. The big bear is dirty, moth-ridden, and has duct tape covering holes where stuffing would come out.

Clementine came to our house in a giant cardboard box delivered in a UPS truck in the winter of 1993-94. When the driver and I discovered that the return address was “Katy, Texas,’’ we checked to see if the thing was ticking. Roger Clemens was no friend of mine, and I was concerned the box might contain a Trojan Horse or some other mayhem maker.

No. It contained a get-well gift for 8-year-old Kate Shaughnessy, who’d just been diagnosed with leukemia. There was an autographed baseball from Clemens and the big white bear. Kate smiled and named him/her Clementine. And Clementine stayed in her room until she graduated from college.

The rest of the column chronicles Clemens' baseball career and his current federal grand jury indictment.

It's little wonder Shank didn't bury Clemens with this column...

Flamethrowers

Back from vacation, Shank devotes his weekly CNN / SI column to the latest Red Sox controversy: Bard or Papelbon as closer?

A closer controversy is not unlike a quarterback controversy. You know the drill: veteran star struggles... kid steps in and makes everything look easy... fans want to kick the old guy to the curb and go with the young gun.

Say hello to Jonathan Papelbon and Daniel Bard, the two most important residents of the Red Sox bullpen.

The rest of the column is informative and reasonable, like so few of his Globe columns.

Nail Biter, and Shaq

That's Shank's nutshell description of yesterday's 2-1 win over the Yankees. It's the first time in a while that Shank seems to write about the Red Sox in a level headed manner.

On the other hand, check out his CNN / SI article on Shaquille O'Neal. He describes the trade as a good trade. For a columnist who constantly pointed out the collective age of the Celtics roster, then add Shaq to the mix, and declare it a good trade is a bit baffling.

Mound Of Trouble

That's how Shank describes Josh Beckett's start last night against the Yankees, which resulted in a 7-2 Red Sox loss. It's a decent Shank column; slightly critical without the trademark vindictiveness, cheap shots and lame song lyrics.

Cheap Trick

Shank takes a trip to New York to write an underwhelming column after a 6 - 3 Red Sox win. Since this is the first of a four game series, little can be read into the first win, and that's precisely what we get with this column. One may get the impression that Shank would have buried the 2010 Red Sox had they lost last night. We'll see by Tuesday, won't we?

A shot at Shank's new whipping boy (With the bases loaded and two outs, Vazquez walked Jacoby Ellsbury, who is 0 for 12 since coming back from Pawtucket (maybe Ellsbury needed more games in the minors).) and Shank's classic disclaimer (Your Sox are going to have company in their quixotic quest.) finish off a lame column.

It's A Twofer

Shank bangs out a pair of columns, one of them at CNN / SI, where he wonders why Rick Pitino still has a job. Among other tidbits,

Leaving himself open to ridicule on top of scorn, he said the encounter lasted only 15 seconds. He made himself a punchline.

What's worse then being a Minuteman? A Pitino!

Next up, Shank takes yet another shot at Jacoby Ellsbury. After three plus months, you do have to wonder what the hell is going on.

It’s impossible and unfair to measure another man’s pain.

But Shank does it anyway. It helps to write this column after a Red Sox loss, and now Ellsbury is the new Nomar / Manny / Schilling in Shank's eyes, complete with mentioning a trade / a comparison to Nomar circa 2004.

Meanwhile, the wounded Sox are sinking in the American League East.

This, after a mere week after jumping back on the bandwagon. This guy's shameless.

What An Asshole

I could have gone with an alternate headline, say, 'I Was Wrong' when describing the belief that Shank would not discuss the recent 6 - 4 road trip by the Red Sox. However, the real headline barely captures my complete disgust with this columnist.

Dan Shaughnessy, July 27, 2010:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Reading Red Sox dispatches from Oakland and Seattle was depressing. The estimable Amalie Benjamin and indefatigable Pete Abraham kept me up to date as the Sox stumbled out West, but I had to come out here to see for myself. The SS Francona is taking on water, listing badly, and I wanted one last look before it sinks into the Pacific, under the Theo Epstein Bridge to 2011.

Dan Shaughnessy, two fucking days later:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — I’m in. I believe. I just saw Marco Scutaro hit a grand slam to complete a three-game Red Sox sweep of the Angels. The Sox look like they are ready for a big stretch run.

The Sox just played 10 games in 10 days in three cities. They won six, lost four, and ordered room service 214 times. They looked dead in Seattle, and now they are coming home with bounce in their step and real hopes for August and September.

Dan Shaughnessy, the ultimate fair weather friend, turns on a dime yet again based on essentially a three game stretch. Dan Shaughnessy, shamelessly back on the bandwagon after pointing out all that is wrong with the Red Sox two weeks ago. Hypocritical Dan Shaughnessy, after many articles bemoaning the lack of offense of the Red Sox (sorry, there's too many of them to link to), now bursts with pride (and finally acknowledges) about the batting lineup:

Offense? For all the winter worries about scoring runs, the Sox are second in the league in runs and homers. They hit four jacks yesterday, including Scutaro’s bases-loaded blast that cracked open a 3-3 game in the eighth inning. They have had more doubles than Don Draper and the boys at Sterling-Cooper.

Nice to see Shank upgrade pop culture references from the Seinfeld era, isn't it?

A single begrudging acknowledgement of his past criticisms of the Red Sox is the only redeeming quality I see in this column:

I came to Los Angeles to bury them, but now my glass is half-full.

More like half full of shit. It's both amusing and infuriating to see the alleged ace Boston Globe sports columnist act like a flighty, ditzy high school blonde that can barely make up his or her mind on anything, much less stick to his convictions for any length of time greater than a couple of days. Either that, or this is part of a huge game he's playing just to get a few more eyeballs on his columns. Whichever it is, he's still an asshole.

Sweep It Under The Rug

The Red Sox complete a three game sweep of the Angels to finish their road trip at 7 - 7, which isn't bad for a team chasing a playoff spot. Will Shank, in future criticisms of the 2010 Red Sox, omit this inconvenient fact as he's done before?

UPDATE, 7/29/10 at 9:15 AM - The road trip was 6 - 4, not 7 - 7 (I included the series against Texas in my original tally). Thanks to commenter Q for setting me straight. However, that just means there's less of a chance of Shank mentioning it.

Just Say No-No

In rare mid-season form, Shank 'treats' us to back-to-back Globe columns. Right off the bat, we're exposed to lame song lyrics:

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Welcome to the No-Hit Zone of Major League Baseball, 2010. Must be the season of the pitch.

The rest of the article quotes baseball players & managers for their theories on the spike in no-hitters. I wonder if it ever occurred to Shank that, given this trend, his near constant criticism of the Red Sox and their emphasis on pitching just might be wrong and happen to coincide with this trend?

Where else can you get thoughtful, incisive analysis like this?

Put it this way: The Tampa Bay Rays have played 99 games this year and three of them were no-hitters. That’s like the same Greyhound Bus getting hit by three bolts of lightning.

Memo to the Boston Globe - you can save a lot of money and not send Shank on cross-country trips and still get the same 'quality' product.

UPDATE at 9:50 AM - Naturally, Shank's following other people's leads.

The Return Of Bitter Dan

Shank takes a trip to the West Coast, shovel in hand, to start burying the 2010 Red Sox.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Reading Red Sox dispatches from Oakland and Seattle was depressing. The estimable Amalie Benjamin and indefatigable Pete Abraham kept me up to date as the Sox stumbled out West, but I had to come out here to see for myself. The SS Francona is taking on water, listing badly, and I wanted one last look before it sinks into the Pacific, under the Theo Epstein Bridge to 2011.

Shank discusses last night's game, the injury situation and a few Shots at Jacoby Ellsbury (AKA Old Blood & Guts).

Shank then lectures the fans:

Too bad Boras can’t speak for Hideki Okajima. Okie spit the bit Sunday, then refused to explain his strange decisions regarding his fielding of Mariners bunts. This prompted media members to complain about Okie’s lack of accountability, which in turn prompted assorted fanboys to say the writers are being crybabies. Let’s go over this one more time people: if players don’t explain themselves, they are snubbing you, not us. Personally, I don’t care if any of these guys ever say another word. We only ask them stuff because we presume you want to know. If you are OK with a guy turtling after coughing up a lead, then I’m OK with it.

Last but not least, Shank continues his normal, healthy obsession with Curt Schilling:

Finally, hats off to the ship of fools known as the Rhode Island Economic Development Corp. The RIEDC yesterday pledged a $75 million loan guarantee to lure Curt Schilling’s game company (the one with no games) to the Ocean State. It’s the best demonstration of sports sycophants gone wild with public money since the yahoos in Connecticut promised to give Bob Kraft the world to move his team to Yo Adriaen’s Landing in Hartford.

Yesterday's CNN / SI article and this awful piece of 'writing' makes me wonder what standards, if any, exist for Shank at the Boston Globe.

The Deal That Wasn't

Still on apparent vacation at the Globe, Shank submits another solid column over at CNN / SI.

Alex Rodriguez is back in the news this week. Going into Monday's four-game series against the Indians in Cleveland, A-Rod is on deck to hit his 600th career home run.

This got me to thinking ... what if A-Rod was hitting all those homers at Fenway Park as the shortstop of the Boston Red Sox?

It almost happened. Actually, it did happen for a few days, but the almighty Major League Baseball Players Association intervened forever changing the fortunes of a bunch of ballclubs when the A-Rod-to-Fenway deal was triggered in the winter of 2003-04.

With the New England Patriots starting training camp this coming Thursday, I trust Shank will be back to Belichick bashing in short order...

Very Good Shank Column

That's because it's not one of his Boston Globe columns:

Among the nauseating aspects of the LeBron James "Decision" (and there were too many to count) is the old and ongoing cozy relationship that exists between LeBron, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.

You heard all the details. 'Bron, D-Wade and Bosh got together years ago and made a pact to one day join forces. They signed contracts designed to expire simultaneously. They held Cartel meetings during the offseason, and sometimes during the regular season.

Gag me. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned disdain for the opposition? How good can the competition be when the alleged "rivals" are in business together or planning to join forces at a later date?

At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon who covered the 1918 World Series (Ruth really dominated the Cubs in that 1-0 game, didn't he?), sports was better in the days before the players all loved one another.

Ted Williams and Bob Gibson are mentioned further on in the column. Easily his best column this month; or as former poster Dave M. might say, 'Shaughnessy - setting the bar so low that an average column looks good by comparison'. Such a cynic...

DHL Dan - III

Shank takes a day off with the picked up pieces column. This genre of column is mostly garbage, but there are occasional funny tidbits:

A Globe reader wants to know why Frank Zappa is sitting in the Rangers’ dugout. Actually, that’s Texas pitching coach Mike Maddux.

I was thinking the same thing, actually!

Bravo to Sox executive Jeremy Kapstein (running for Rhode Island lieutenant governor), for ripping the state’s proposal to give 38 Studios (Curt Schilling’s company) a $75 million loan guarantee to bring the company to Rhode Island. “I have serious questions about the viability of that kind of offer to a company that is full of questions,’’ Kapstein told WPRO-AM.

Kapstein said the same thing on Shank's radio program yesterday. I listened to it from 12:30 to 2:00, and there were many subjects covered, including the one just mentioned. Just to backtrack a bit, it's quite clear to me that Shank was in fact ripping Jacoby Ellsbury on previous shows, so the next time Shank tries the passive-aggressive act (And he's getting carved up on Boston's sports talk programs.), let it be known that Shank's doing his part, on air and in print.

Panic Button - II

Last night's Red Sox blowout loss to the Texas Rangers, 7-2, provides Shank with the opportunity to point out all that is wrong with the Olde Towne Team.

Early on, there's this whopper:

I hate to be negative (really), but when do we come out and admit the obvious?

From here, Shank highlights the awful April start, conveniently omits the next two months where the Sox had the best record in baseball, points out all the Sox injuries, then compares the upcoming Sox road trip (rough) to the Yankees & Rays (playing the Orioles, Indians & Royals).

A more honest assessment of the situation would have included that May - June period where the Sox fared much better recordwise, and that the Sox ought to do better when their injured players come off the disabled list. Positive items, however, have no place in certain Shank columns, and this is one of them.

Say Again?

As most baseball writers have done this week, columns abound about George Steinbrenner. Shank goes for the contrarian angle:

You would have liked George Steinbrenner.

Really.

An unconvincing column ensues, at least from a New England Red Sox fan's perspective.

Jack Craig, R.I.P

Shank writes about fellow Globie Jack Craig, who passed on last week at age 81. It reads like a decent enough column, but since I don't remember Mr. Craig at all, I can't comment further.