No Laughing Matter

In this week's installment of Patriots columns, Shank gleefully rejoices in his previous trolling efforts:

HOUSTON — We’ve had a lot of fun laughing at the Houston Texans in recent years.

Remember how this went down three years ago? The Texans were 11-1 and came to Foxborough wearing their letterman jackets for “Monday Night Football.” Houston wideout Andre Johnson said it was going to be the biggest game in franchise history. We openly mocked the Texans for their stupid hype of a regular-season game. The Patriots, in turn, mocked them on the field, running to a 21-0 lead in the first 19 minutes. It was 35-7 in the first minute of the fourth quarter. The final was 42-14. It was embarrassing for the Houston frauds.

Five weeks later, the Texans came back for a playoff game and it was the same drill. I wrote that this matchup represented the first time in league history that a team had back-to-back bye weeks to start the playoffs. Arian Foster was so offended he made the Globe column his Twitter avatar. The Texans insisted they deserved respect. We gave them none. The Patriots routed them again, 41-28.

How were we supposed to take the Texans seriously when they had Matt Schaub at quarterback, Fraidy Cat Gary Kubiak as head coach, and bumbling Wade Phillips as defensive coordinator?

Sure enough, a year later the Texans lost 14 consecutive games and everybody got fired.

"Hey - remember that time I wrote a column designed to antagonize an entire city? Good times, good times!"

With injuries hitting the New England Patriots hard going into the latter part of the season, Shank is singing a markedly different tune and is no longer calling opposing teams 'tomato cans':

Things feel different now as the Patriots prepare to play at NRG Stadium on Sunday night. Going into this meeting, the Patriots are a team on the way down. They have lost two in a row. The Texans, meanwhile, are 6-6, hungry, and serious. Patriot Nation is a little nervous about this one. Me, too. There will be no taunting from this space. The wounded, reeling Patriots are on the road against a legit team and fear losing a third consecutive game for the first time in 13 years.

Somehow, this blogger anticipates a) the Patriots winning the coin toss and b) Shank making a stupid tweet or two about it and the game already being over. Same crap, different week!

We Came To Bury Them

Today's 'effort' pulls off the twofer, jumping on the Patriot's bandwagon:

ANYWHERE BUT HOUSTON — Last year, this was fun. The Houston Texans were 11-1 when they came to Foxborough. They were the Next Big Thing in the NFL. They were a team on the rise playing on “Monday Night Football” against a once-great franchise going stale. According to Houston wideout Andre Johnson, it was the biggest game in Texans history. Houston players wore their letterman jackets to Gillette and Football America waited for the torch to be passed to Gary Kubiak, Matt Schaub, and Arian Foster.

And then, the game started. It was an embarrassment. The Houston Texans were the Texas Frauds. The Patriots jumped to a 28-0 lead. Tom Brady was mercifully pulled when it was 42-7. The Patriots settled for a 42-14 win and sent the Texans on the road to ruin.

Less than a year later, the Patriots are flexing their muscles after last Sunday’s dramatic comeback over the Broncos. The 8-3 Patriots are favorites to run the table and return to the Super Bowl.

...and taking a huge dump on the Houston Texans at the same time:

And the Texans are a joke. Schaub (eight touchdown passes, nine interceptions) has lost his job to Casey Kasem, err, Case Keenum. Foster is recovering from back surgery. Kubiak suffered a mini-stroke and has been coaching from a booth upstairs. He is expected to return to the sideline Sunday afternoon.
...
Mocking the Texans this year is like doing layup drills with an 8-foot rim. It’s simply too easy.

What about Houston itself? Easy to mock, no?

And easy to write about - Shank nails the triple play!

UPDATE AT 1:25 PM - When Shank says "The 8-3 Patriots are favorites to run the table and return to the Super Bowl", he means tied for third favorites to win the Super Bowl. Or something...

You Missed One, Adam Gaffin

Adam's gonna have to update the chart I referenced below - Sir Shank The Predictable is all over the New England Patriots' next opponent:

Been here. Done this.

The Patriots will finally play their first postseason game Saturday night and wouldn’t you guess . . . they are playing a team with absolutely zero chance to win the game.

Enjoying the spoils of their hard-earned top seed, the 14-2 Patriots will face your friends and mine, the All World Tomato Cans, the Houston Texans.

In a game that could be best described as the NFL’s answer to Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve Show, the Texans beat the quarterback-less Raiders, 27-14, Saturday to advance to the divisional round. New England’s dream matchup with fourth-seeded Houston became official Sunday when Pittsburgh routed the terrible Dolphins.

This could not have worked out better for the Patriots.

I suppose 'tomato can' is an improvement over the descriptor for the last playoff game between the two teams, which was 'fraud'. And so Shank takes his quadrennial shot at trolling and antagonizing yet another professional sports team and the residents of the fourth largest U.S. city.

The 2012-13 New England Patriots just became the first team in NFL history to get back-to-back byes before advancing to the conference championship game.

Could this get any easier?

I mean, seriously? The planets are aligned and the tomato cans are in place. The fraudulent Houston Texans are the only team standing between the New England Patriots and a trip to the AFC Championship game. All the Patriots have to do is beat the terrible Texans. One week from Sunday. At Gillette Stadium.

Pass Go and collect $200. The Patriots are in the AFC title game.

The words are a bit different, but you've read it all before.

To anyone from the Houston area reading this - Shank's just trying to piss you off; this has been his M.O. since I got out of high school thirty-five years ago. Don't let him piss you off too much.

Shank Doubles Down On The Texans

It looks like Shank's aware of the feedback loop involved with his insult sprinkled column of Sunday, and in response has decided to flip Houston the bird one more time.

My eyes are square. I’ve been watching All-22 film since Monday. I’m doing everything I can to make a case for the Houston Texans Sunday in Foxborough.

I hung out with Gresh and Zo and learned about zero sets, wham blocks, rolled coverage, trail technique, and inside-out coverage. Cover-2 is my life.

I forced myself to watch reruns of a clown show called “Quick Slants.” I memorized the roster of the Texans, even the guys on injured reserve. I think I can predict Gary Kubiak’s seven inactives for Sunday.

As the ultimate sign of respect, I plan to change my column avatar to an image of Arian Foster.

No arrogance or condescending attitude here, agreed?

But wait - there's more! Note Shank's lack of balls use of the passive voice in the first following paragraph, painstakingly avoiding ownership of his use of 'tomato cans' and 'frauds' in that Sunday column.

This has been an emotional week for the good folks of Houston. They apparently felt disrespected when it was noted that the Texans are frauds who have no chance to beat the Patriots. A couple of references to “tomato cans” got everybody all excited (please don’t tell them I didn’t vote for Craig Biggio or Jeff Bagwell). Next thing you know, a full-blown media war broke out.

No need for that, people. Let’s cease and desist with the “you’re fat — you’re ugly!’’ stuff. This need not be personal. I like tomato soup. I even like Houston more than most travelers. I’ve been to Roger Clemens’s Spring Woods High School. I watched “Urban Cowboy” and “Apollo 13” numerous times. I’m one of the few fans who know that “Tin Cup” was shot in Houston.

We have fond memories of Super Bowl XXXVIII in February of 2004. Patriot Nation had a wonderful time when Houston served as the Super Bowl’s host city. Reliant Stadium is a terrific facility with great sightlines.

Did I mention a patronizing attitude on Shank's part? Like it needs to be brought up...

That's Why They Play The Game

Shank backtracks sharply from a week long belittling of the Houston Texans and a Saturday night of 'tomato can' tweets, and recognizes that things don't always turn out as expected.

FOXBOROUGH — The Patriots lurched to a 34-16 victory over the Houston Texans Saturday night and next Sunday will play in their record sixth consecutive AFC Championship game. A home victory over the Chiefs or Steelers is all that stands in the way of the Pats making it to Super Bowl LI in Houston Feb. 5.

Swell. But if Saturday’s game made you feel good about your team, you must be wearing Tom Brady’s Under Armour pajamas. Call it a warning shot or a wake-up call. The sloppy slugfest furnishes fodder for those who wonder if the 2016-17 Patriots — now 15-2 — are championship-driven, or merely fortunate sons of the AFC East, the softest schedule in the league, and the presence of the ever-beatable Texans.

Read on for a column chock full of Shankisms and the standard game recap.

Stolen from the comments is a new nickname - 'Tomato Can Dan'. It's catchy!

Whoops!

Completely ignoring what he wrote the day before, Shank writes with great fanfare about the Patriot's second loss of the season.

HOUSTON — Pigs can fly. Republicans and Democrats agree on everything. Larry Bird is buying rounds for the house. Jackie Bradley is a .350 hitter who never strikes out.

And the Houston Texans just beat the New England Patriots, 28-22.

Anything is possible.

DeShaun Watson took it to the Boogeymen Sunday night at NRG Stadium, throwing for three touchdowns and catching another as the Texans snapped an eight-game losing streak vs. New England. Former Belichick protege Bill O’Brien secured his first win against mentor Bill, breaking a humbling and at times humilating 0-5 skid. Late in the game, with the Texans leading, 28-9, Antonio Brown tweeted, “Still I Rise.’’

Funny how we always see a Patriots column from Shank when they lose, isn't it?

Texans Redux

Now that the Patriots / Texans game is in the books, here are some questions I'll pose about Shank's next column. These are not mutually exclusive questions.

* Will he be his usual, insufferable self after correctly calling the outcome of this game? Monkeesfan, let us know what he says on the Gresh & Zolak show tomorrow or Tuesday!

* Will he dump on the Texans, and Houston / Houston fans in general, one more time?

* Will he dump on Bill Belichick because Rob Gronkowski reinjured his forearm and is out for the rest of the season?

* Will he have the balls to trash talk Baltimore and Ray Lewis like he did Houston and Arian Foster?

Messing with Texans

Here's The CHB a couple days ago as the Patriots headed into a matchup with the Texans:

[T]he Patriots are a team on the way down. They have lost two in a row. The Texans, meanwhile, are 6-6, hungry, and serious. Patriot Nation is a little nervous about this one. Me, too. There will be no taunting from this space. The wounded, reeling Patriots are on the road against a legit team and fear losing a third consecutive game for the first time in 13 years.

And here's The CHB today, following last night's decisive Patriots victory:

Put your hand to your ear and listen: That clinking and clattering is the sound of Tomato Cans falling down on the Patriots’ path to Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara, Calif.

In just two days, Shank's flip-flopping goes from unintentional constipation brought on by some serious ass-clenching to his typical a-hole boasting about Patriot/Super Bowl inevitability.

The absolute low-light of the column is when he mocks "the immortal Whitney Mercilus" (once again, it's a minority who is singled out) for missing a tackle on Rob Gronkowski: "Great idea having a linebacker try to cover Gronk."

Which goes to show what The CHB knows about football. (Nothing.)

Indeed, those teams who have attempted to cover Gronk with a defensive back end up peeling the unfortunate souls off his cleats in the end zone.

Yet had The CHB had looked past Mercilus' uniform number and knew anything about his actual experience, he would have correctly noted that a defensive lineman (Mercilus' position in college and before they signed 2012 overall first pick Jadeveon Clowney) caught Gronk from behind 40 yards from the line of scrimmage. That's not such a good thing.

Any chance The CHB will "parachute down from Planet Patriot and get in touch with reality" anytime soon?

Brady / Manning Hype, Two Weeks Early

Shank's utterly predictable column on the 'dream' matchup for the AFC Championship game.

Go ahead. Amuse yourself with the Patriots’ prospects against the Ravens, Colts, or fraud Texans.

Not me. I’m jumping ahead to the main draw. I’m fast-forwarding to the game that destiny demands.

Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning in the AFC Championship game.

Again.

It’s the game you want. It’s the game the NFL has wanted since Manning made “The Decision.’’ And now we are going to get it . . . in three weeks. When assorted Colts, Ravens, Bengals, and fraud Texans have been sent home.

Get set for an avalanche of clichés over the next two weeks.

I believe it's already started...

Shank Hijacks The Patriots Bandwagon

Shank's been all over the damn place in the past week concerning the Patriots, and it seems he's settling in on grabbing the steering wheel.

Am I the only one?

Is there anybody else out in Patriot Nation who’d like to see the Patriots in a competitive, thrilling playoff game? You know . . . a game where the outcome is in doubt before Hoodie defers on the coin toss?

Guess not. The Patriots are going to get to the AFC Championship game without a serious test of their considerable abilities,

That statement whiffs of bullshit. While Shank steered clear of weighing in on Game 1 at Arizona, I recall many local wags predicting a Patriots loss for that game. He didn't say anything about Buffalo shutting the Pats out, 13-0 in Week 4, did not write about the visit to Pittsburgh for Week 6 (he was covering the baseball playoffs at the time), steered clear of weighing in for the Week 10 game against Seattle, wrote about but again steered clear of weighing in for Week 14 against the Ravens and wrote all about Tom Brady's miserable record against Denver for the Week 15 road game.

By now the pattern should be clear to everyone - when Shank writes about the Patriots, he will avoid expressing an opinion about the quality of their opponent if they're a top team at the time of the game. Otherwise, the Patriots opponents are 'tomato cans', 'frauds' and so on.

...and everybody around here seems to be absolutely thrilled at the prospect of two straight bye weeks before the Patriots maybe get pushed slightly by the Steelers or Chiefs in the AFC title game in Foxborough.

Which is how Shank likes to insult other teams 'second bye week' as though the Patriots don't need to take the game seriously in order to win. Pure idiocy.

Seriously. The Oakland Raiders, Houston Texans, and Miami Dolphins — one of which will come to Gillette Stadium a week from Saturday for a divisional round game — have to represent the sorriest playoff troika in the history of professional football. The highlight reel of the 2016 Raiders/Texans/Dolphins seasons is scheduled to open at the Tomato Cannes Film Festival in France next year. When one of them arrives here, the point spread might be record-breaking.

You can see where this column's going, so if it's your bag, go forth and read it. I'm skipping forward to the fun part:

Critics of this space often complain that “you keep writing the same thing.’’ It’s true.

And all this time, I thought Shank lacked self-awareness!

For any of the new readers out there, here's the most succinct summary of Shank's trolling approach, when Kansas City was coming to Foxborough for the first playoff game last year:

@Dan_Shaughnessy @GreshandZo yup, rip the oppenent so you can downplay the Pats success or destroy them if they lose. Trolling 101

— Josh Hubbard (@Bet_on_Hubb) January 13, 2015

Jumping The Gun

Shank's previous column was quite shaken about the Patriots' win over the Houston Texans. The next day (or when he sobered up - take your pick), he's back on the No Worries Bandwagon, presuming once again to speak for all Patriots fans with the royal 'we' and barely acknowledging the AFC Championship game.

We are greedy. We don’t want the Patriots to simply embarrass the commissioner, make history, and win Super Bowl LI in Houston Feb. 5. We want to see the Pats settle old scores and beat the highest-profile opponents. That’s why the last two weekends have been a little disappointing as we watched the Giants, Seahawks, and Cowboys get eliminated from the tournament.

I know . . . first thing first. The Patriots have a pretty big game Sunday night at Gillette Stadium. They will be playing in their record sixth consecutive AFC Championship game, facing the ever-dangerous Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers. Beating Pittsburgh is going to be a lot harder than beating the Texans in the divisional round. (Oh, and Roger Goodell was in Atlanta Saturday, so he’s got to come to Foxborough, right?)

All that said, there’s a popular notion in these parts that no team in the AFC is going to beat the Patriots at Gillette Stadium this season. That’s what a 15-2 record does.

And right about now I’m dreaming of a Super Bowl matchup featuring New England’s defense against Green Bay gunslinger Aaron Rodgers.

The Houston Schaubs?

Shank is taking the fine art of douchebaggery to a whole new level with this column (emphasis mine):

FOXBOROUGH — The Waltz of the Tomato Cans was everything we expected.

The Patriots defeated the Houston Texans, 41-28, Sunday in the first de facto preseason playoff game in NFL history.

I’m exaggerating, of course. This was not an exhibition football game. This was a certified NFL playoff contest, and the victory elevates the Patriots to the AFC Championship game Sunday night at Gillette Stadium against the Baltimore Ravens. The Bill Belichick-Tom Brady tandem has a chance to win a fourth Super Bowl in 12 seasons.

The Patriots beat the Ravens in the AFC title game last season and lost a 1-point decision to Baltimore in September. Sunday’s rematch could be the final curtain for Baltimore’s Ray Lewis and would give the Patriots a chance to avenge Super Bowl losses in 2008 and 2012. We’ve got great drama, all around.

But Sunday’s victory over the Houston Schaubs didn’t tell us much about the Patriots. The Sons of Belichick were weak on special teams, failed to keep their foot on the Texans’ throats, and have lost All-World tight end Rob Gronkowski for the rest of the season.

Douchebag Gameday Tweets

Tony Romo just told us that Brady did the smart thing by skipping OTAs.
And so it begins.
Wonder when CBS cuts to the first fawning, well-lit shot of "Robert"?
Has Les Moonves lost high chair privileges for this year?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

Pats lose toss. Forced to take ball.
Texans paying attention.
Won't matter.

See you at AFC Championship in January

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

Texans hand Patriots the ball on first play.
Napoleon: Never interrupt your opponent when he is making a mistake.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 9, 2018

The Mea Culpa Column, An Occasional Series

Shank needs to get some stuff off his chest:

Regrets? I’ve had a few. And not too few to mention.

There was that prediction last winter that there was “zero chance” the Patriots could lose to the Texans (Texans 28, Patriots 22). It was the same with Super Bowl LII in frosty Minneapolis in 2018 when I told you that there was no bloody way Nick Foles and Doug bleepin’ Pederson could dethrone Tom Brady and Bill Belichick (Eagles 41, Patriots 33).

Wrong and wrong. When you write approximately 5,000 sports columns over 32 years, you are going to make some wrong calls. I can, for example, affirm that on the front page of the Oct. 17, 2004, Boston Globe (hours after the Red Sox lost to the Yankees, 19-8, in Game 3 of the ALCS), I stated, "So there. For the 86th consecutive autumn, the Red Sox are not going to win the World Series.''

An enjoyable column, if for nothing else chuckling at all these great calls!

Is Shank Trolling Us?

One line only from today's column:

The Patriots are going to win their “Monday Night Football” game against the Texans, and they are going to dominate.

Why would he say something like that? Granted, the Patriots have five blowout wins this year - at Tennessee, at Buffalo, the London game versus Saint Louis, versus Indianapolis and the Jets game a fortnight ago. I'm pretty sure the Texans are playing better football than those teams. I'm not saying it won't happen but it's not likely.

I think this is a setup for a pissy column tomorrow if the Patriots lose, nothing more. All that from one sentence. I'll ask Mike if I can change the masthead to 'We barely read him so you don't have to.'

It's A Lock

With the Miami - Pittsburgh game still to be determined (Miami would come to New England if they win this afternoon), Shank's pretty sure the Patriots will be playing the Houston Texans next week. How sure is he? This sure:

Tomato Can Update: Aggregate score of last 4 Pats-Texans games at Gillette: NE 150 - Houston 49. Pats won 27-0 w/out Tom Sept.23 What drama!

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 7, 2017

Feedback is what you'd expect from such a hot take:

@Dan_Shaughnessy Kind of the point in earning the #1 seed you sad sack.

— KDog(@FastGMan) January 8, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @scottzolak Yawn. This was boring 5 years ago. Time for another idea you can milk for a decade, Shank.

— Andy Johnson 100 (@100Zeus) January 8, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy Someone is still bitter that they weren't invited to a breakfast twenty years ago.

— andrew(@adev808) January 8, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @scottzolak Pats can lobby NFL to get better opponents. We can lobby the Globe for better writers. Make everyone happy.

— John Sugrue(@sugruejohn) January 8, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy dandid you say this about the Celtics with Bird, since there was 3 teams in the league maybe that could win it? Real ?

— Scott Collins (@ScottyCollins23) January 8, 2017

@Dan_Shaughnessy @scottzolak you are the tomato can of sportswriters

— Mike Doughty (@mdfenway) January 8, 2017

No Imagination

It looks like Shank's running out of material leading up to Saturday's game.

Has there ever been less drama, hype, or anticipation for an NFL playoff game?

Here in New England, we openly mock the opposition. We ridicule the Houston Texans as a team with no chance to beat the Patriots at Gillette Stadium in the divisional round. The team from the land of “Friday Night Lights’’ will produce “Saturday Night Blights” in Foxborough and everyone knows it.

With all this ridicule, we get no resistance from anywhere in the heart of Texas. The people who cover the team and the Texans fans offer no alternative outcome. They are prepared for a major beatdown. Almost nobody in Houston is fighting back.

You'd think the Boston Globe would ask Shank to quit rewriting the same column, but you'd be wrong. Little wonder, then, that their readership numbers have been plunging for years.

He's Got His Number

Thirteen weeks into the 2019-2020 pro football season, Shank writes something complimentary about the New England Patriots:

HOUSTON — New Englanders love this place. This is where 28-3 happened in February 2017 and where the Tom Brady-Bill Belichick Patriots won their second Super Bowl in February 2004. Houston is where the 2018 Red Sox eliminated the cheatin’ Houston Astros in Game 5 of the American League Championship Series on a night when David Price beat Justin Verlander. It’s where Larry Bird won his first NBA championship in May 1981 and where Roger Clemens learned how to throw a fastball in the 1970s. Houston was headquarters to our space program when Derry, N.H.’s Alan Shepard walked on the moon in 1971.

And it is the home of the Houston Texans, a sometimes formidable football team that is constitutionally incapable of beating the New England Patriots.

So, here we go again. We are Lucy holding the football and the Texans are Charlie Brown lining up for a kick, ever hopeful that it will be different this time. But everyone knows it will not be different.

Lots of Shank staples in this one - there's a Larry Bird reference, lots of references to other sports and the signature reuse of previous columns, so there's your triple play for the day.

Get Me Rewrite! - III

The New England Patriots won in Foxborough yesterday, a 27-20 victory over the Houston Texans. As is his specialty, Shank focuses on the losing team & coach.

Bill O’Brien is the latest opposing coach to do the Foxborough fold

What was true last year, and the year before that, is still true today. Nothing has changed. The Patriots are going to get where they want to go this year on the merits of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, plus the unwavering buffoonery of their opponents. Like death, taxes, and the first penalty in the old Montreal Forum, you can depend on the guy on the other sideline throwing up on his shoes. Every week.

Sunday’s easy Patriots victory over the Texans was a great case in point. It was more of the same stuff we’ve been telling you for the last 15 years. Smart, accomplished football men lose all of their grid acumen at the very sight of Belichick and Brady. It is a certainty.

As the years have unfolded, the Patriots have become less talented, less deep, and less dominant, but it does not matter. New England can no longer overwhelm teams on sheer ability. But the coaching disparity across the league is greater than ever. The Patriots can always rely on the kindness of the strangers and friends who come into Foxborough with the misguided mission that they can compete based on sheer physicality and football ability.

The Patriots know all they have to do is . . . wait. Stand around and the opponent will self-destruct.

If you get the feeling that you've read this column before, it's because you have.

Back On The Bandwagon

Today's Boston Globe column by Shank has the title "Getting ahead of ourselves", a title chock full of irony. It was only three weeks ago when Shank was shoveling dirt on the Patriot's coffin, but today he offers a much rosier picture of the Patriot's playoff 'tournament' chances.

I can't say this column was well thought out on a few levels. He ignores the upcoming game against the Houston Texans and assumes the Pats will win the first round playoff game, then mulls over the preferred team for the Pats to play in the second round, all the while using the royal 'we' when making these assumptions, like everyone agrees with him. He concludes the column by stating the Pats are the team that nobody wants to play come January. Three weeks ago he says the Pats will 'probably' make the playoffs, yet we're now led to believe the first round playoff game's a sure thing? Amazing what a few wins will do to change one's perspective.

Let's hope the Pats avoid the Curse of the Shank.