DHL Dan XCI - Still Beating A Dead Horse

Tired, lacking in imagination and creativity - that's our man Shank:

Patriots’ competition continues to unravel, and other notes

Picked-up pieces while assisting Ed Davis in finding out what really happened down there in the Dominican Republic in June . . .

■ The 2019 AFC is shaping up as the Tomato Cans conference of the century. It’s in a class by itself for patsies. Leading into 2019, we figured the Kansas City Chiefs would provide the Patriots with the most resistance in the conference. Last January’s AFC Championship game was truly epic. But it’s pretty clear now that the Patriots — who have won only four road playoff games (same as Mark Sanchez) during the Belichick-Brady dynasty — are not going to have to travel in the postseason this year. We have seen the Chiefs come back to earth in the last three weeks. The Colts pushed them all over the field in Week 5, and then the Texans had their way with them last weekend. Now all-world quarterback Patrick Mahomes has a dislocated kneecap. Right on schedule if you are a Patriots fan. In the old days, the Patriots won because they were better than everybody else and overcame their rivals. Now they just sit back and watch the competition unravel. Every day in which the Patriots do not play a game, they gain ground. They are legit progeny of Sun Tzu (“The Art of War”) who wrote: “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.’’ It has happened again. While the Patriots were idle Thursday, Mahomes dislocated his kneecap against the Broncos. And it’s not just the KC QB injury. Like most teams that lose to the Patriots in the playoffs, the Chiefs are psychologically damaged from the AFC Championship game. They will never be the same after losing that coin flip at Arrowhead before overtime. They are toast.

How Shank 'knows' the Chiefs are 'psychologically damaged' is beyond me - it's simply an assertion, a small scale version of his 'Curse of the Bambino' minus the book sales.

Then again - aren't we all 'psychologically damaged' by reading Dan Shaughnessy columns over the decades? Maybe we should file a class action suit against him!

Of course, Shank takes yet another stabbing in print on Patriots owner Robert Kraft:

■ Bob Kraft cannot possibly be happy with Tom Brady’s participation in Paul Rudd’s Netflix series “Living With Yourself.’’ In the premier episode, Brady appears in a cameo emerging from an Asian spa in a strip mall and then ducking into a waiting limo. Now Brady is mad that the scene is being taken out of context. So let me see if I’ve got this straight: After Kraft is charged with solicitation at a strip-mall Asian massage parlor in February (Kraft hopped into a limo after the alleged crime), Brady went ahead with a video shoot in which he emerges from a strip-mall Asian “Top Happy Spa” and ducks into a limo. Timothy Greenberg, creator of the show, has told reporters that he could not believe Brady agreed to do the shoot in the wake of the Kraft arrest, and now Brady is telling us that he can’t believe the “blame and shame” media would take all this “out of context.’’ And the Patriot media cartel rushes to Tom’s defense. Please. We were not born yesterday. It’s OK, Tom. It’s a funny scene. You are a grown-up. You knew what you were doing. It’s a shot at Bob Kraft. Just don’t pretend to be surprised and outraged when this video is “taken out of context.’’ No thinking person could view it any other way.

Anything to fan the flames...

Nothing says predictable like reusing a joke:

■ If you are a Celtics fan and you’ve seen five minutes of any of those interminable Democratic presidential debates, you have noticed that South Bend mayor Pete Buttigieg is a dead ringer for Celtics coach Brad Stevens.

...and from early July of this year:

■ If Mayor Pete Buttigieg gets sick and can’t make it to the next debate, he can send Brad Stevens in his place and no one will know the difference.

It was funny the first time but like any schlock 'Top-40' radio station that plays the same song over and over every four hours for weeks on end, this one's already beaten to death after its second use.

From there, you know the drill - oddball subjects and a silly quiz. I'll save you some time - your time's better spent watching the paint dry.

The Predictable Shaughnessy, A Continuing Series

We've read at least three dozen variations of this one in recent years:

Time-tested Pats philosophy works again. Whenever they don't play, they gain. SunTzu (the art of war): "if you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.'' Mahomes gone. Path clear. No resistance. Pats get a bye to the Super Bowl. Again. #tooeasy

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) October 18, 2019

A Big Bowl Of Bad / Still On The Outs

What a surprise - Shank's ripping the Red Sox again:

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming of Patriots, Bruins, Celtics, and well-deserved LeBron bashing to remind you that the stove glows dimly on Jersey Street.
As the baseball playoffs keep reminding us, the Red Sox — despite having the top payroll in baseball — are not part of October ball for the first time since 2015.
In the absence of postseason games, bad news seems to visit Fenway Park regularly. Ticket prices are up. NESN ratings are way down. And nobody seems to want the once-coveted job of Red Sox general manager.

OK, maybe ripping is too strong a word but note that the column is a fair amount larger than his normal / on average column. This is a general indication that he's engaged with the subject matter, and this is when it's more or less worth it to go read the whole thing. In that sense that it's a longer column, that's kind of ripping the team, isn't it?

Anyway, here's the parts that jumped out for me (made me laugh, actually):

Red Sox CEO Sam Kennedy insists that the Sox have yet to formally reach out to any candidate, but I am of the opinion that several veteran baseball men have been approached through back channels. And no one has bitten.

I love this shit - Shank's been persona non grata in the Red Sox inner circle ever since he did his infamous 'Dirty Laundry' column fourteen years ago where he threw former GM Theo Epstein right under the freakin' Greyhound.

But wait - there's more!

Try to imagine a conversation in Cleveland when Tribe GM Antonetti stopped by Tito Francona’s office and asked, “Hey, got a minute? Do you think it’s a good idea for me to talk to the Red Sox about their GM job?’’

I don't know Shank - you wrote a book with him. Why don't you give him a god damned phone call and ask him? This isn't difficult or time-consuming.

As far as others in baseball are concerned, he either a) was too flippin' lazy to make a few calls and see if he can at least pick up a vibe / pattern from talking to some people, or b) everyone else in baseball thinks Shank's an asshole and won't return his calls.

One other thing - general manager or the team manager, whatever - Shank will get the vapors and bitch about the process / time length whenever the Red Sox go looking for managerial talent. It's just another part of his schtick.

The Blame Game

If it weren't for the fact that there's always a losing team, Shank would have nothing to write about.

Damn straight, prescient commenter - this is a constant refrain in these parts. It also helps a lot to pin blame on one guy, Bill Buckner style:

It was a holiday festival at the Garden Monday. It’s not every day the home team wins and you see a guy score four goals in one game.

With lots of families on hand for the Columbus Day matinee, David Pastrnak found the back of the net four times and the Bruins improved to 5-1-0 with a 4-2 win over the Anaheim Ducks. Brad Marchand, the goat of Game 7 in June, had assists on two of the goals and seems to be on a mission to get back to the Cup Finals. Marchand has five assists and four goals in the last five games.

How big of a goat is he, Shank?

And then it all went away in the final seconds of the first period when Marchand, after making a faint effort to check Blues winger Jaden Schwartz, inexplicably skated to the bench in the closing seconds of the period. This left the Bruins shorthanded, and Alex Pietrangelo took a pass from Schwartz, skated free toward the net, and potted a backhand past a defenseless Tuukka Rask.

My hockey buddy John mentioned this one salient fact - St. Louis physically beat the shit out of the Bruins in that series. I did pick up on that when I was watching it, but John's assessment makes it official. Yes, it's another ill-informed Bruins column that he manages to whiff on.

Getting The Vapors, Are We?

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Waxing Nostalgic, New York Giants Edition

With the New England Patriots on TV tonight, Shank gives us another walk down memory lane.

The Giants, remember, are a big part of New England football history

The New York Giants, who will play the 5-0 Patriots Thursday night at Gillette Stadium, are a big part of New England’s football history. Your awareness of Patriots-Giants linkage depends on your age.

If you are a Gen X or Millennial Patriots fan, you know that the Giants ruined the greatest season in franchise history, beating the undefeated Patriots in Glendale, Ariz., in February 2008. You know they beat the Patriots in another Super Bowl four years later in Indianapolis. This makes you hate Eli Manning, and curse the lucky catches of David Tyree and Mario Manningham.

Maybe you have read some history and are aware that Bill Belichick coached with the Giants for 12 seasons and won his first two Super Bowls in the Meadowlands.

Quite a few times, Shank!

DHL Dan XC - Painfully Uninformed

...and that might be a big understatement:

Why we can’t tell how good the Patriots are, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while watching the gluten-free, Red Sox-free baseball playoffs . . .

■ It is impossible to tell how good the Patriots are because of the historically bad level of the teams they have played. Truly unbelievable. The aggregate record of the Patriots’ five opponents thus far is 5-18. There are only four winless teams in the NFL, and the Patriots have played three of them in the first five weeks.

Patriots fans, ever-sensitive and protective of The Wall, don’t like the Tomato Can narrative, but it has never been more applicable. In five weeks, the Patriots have faced the wretched of the wretched. Terrible coaches and quarterbacks. Every week.

Actually, there are a number of indicators, the first one being the Patriots are the only 5 - 0 team in the NFL. The Patriots have scored 155 points so far this season, second only to the Ravens with 161. Conversely, the Patriots have allowed a total of 34 points this season. The next two closest teams to that mark are the 49ers (3 games played, 54 points allowed) with the Buffalo Bills next (4 games, 70 points) and the lowest total for a five-game team are the Titans at 76. I'd say that's sufficient to answer Shank's question - they're the best team in the NFL as it stands now but somehow that doesn't seem to register at all with him. As a wise man once said, 'you are what your record says you are'.

Secondly, I'll say this - I don't believe Shank has watched much of the Patriots this year. My observation over the years about Shank's engagement with the Patriots can be determined by two things - game day tweets and columns about Patriots games. To this point in the year he's only done game day tweets last week (Pats at Bills) and he's written no columns about a Patriots game this year. Way to shed that label of being lazy prick!

The rest of the Picked-Up Pieces column shows a heavy interest in baseball and the Red Sox and the usual odd tidbits here and there.

And now for the piece de resistance - if you still have doubts about Shank being an asshole, I can remove that doubt with one sentence:

■ November’s Vanity Fair has an excellent lengthy feature on Bob Kraft’s visits to Orchids of Asia before last year’s AFC Championship game.

Like I said - what possible motive would Shank have to write that sentence other than to stab Bob Kraft yet again in print? What are the odds of the Boston Globe or Shaughnessy mentioning this effete snob magazine's 'excellent lengthy feature' at least a few more times over the next couple of weeks?

Oh - almost forgot one:

■ Brad Stevens knows we all want Tacko Fall to be the 12th man on the Celtics roster. “Everybody wants Tacko,’’ said the coach. “My kids are the same way.” Tacko has to be better than Greg Kite, right?

Who wants to tell Shank that current NBA rosters now have fifteen players and have been for quite some time?

Even His Stories Are Old

Shank hasn't written a column in over a week (for which we should be thankful); might as well tell some old war stories, right?

Fun anecdote courtesy of @Dan_Shaughnessy on how the makeup and roles of NBA coaching staffs have changed over the years. There used to be just 2 assistants, and they’d routinely leave the team during the year to scout: https://t.co/RRBf1SbWKc pic.twitter.com/cxy0pHpias

— Adam Himmelsbach (@AdamHimmelsbach) October 5, 2019

And Now For Some Print Media Bashing

Shank's former employer for one year (2010 - 2011), Sports Illustrated, has announced the sacking of half of its staff:

Things at Sports Illustrated are getting ugly.

Thursday has been a tumultuous day at the company, starting with initial layoff meetings earlier this morning postponed minutes before they were supposed to begin. Hours later, SI’s staff put out a statement of support for each other and against any potential layoffs at the company. Shortly after that statement was released, the layoffs began.

Shank, of course, was himself shown the door by Sports Illustrated back in October / November 2011 when it became obvious that he started mailing in columns and rehashing his Globe columns into CNN / SI columns halfway through that one year stretch.

Great Early Gameday Calls, By Dan Shaughnessy

Couple of shrewd moves by Bills before opening kickoff. They whisk Patriot staffers off field during their warmup, then defer after winning toss.
Still, they will lose. By a lot.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 29, 2019

Is it possible the Bills are worse than the Jets and Dolphins? Patriots have never had it easier and that is saying something.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 29, 2019

The game, of course, was close with a final score of Patriots 16, Bills 10.

Shank Pulls His Punches Again

Well, to the extent he can actually punch, I suppose...

The owners of the Boston Red Sox, avoiding any public discussion about the firing of then-general manager David Dombrowski, finally broke that spell late yesterday afternoon in a classic Friday evening news dump:

Sox owners finally field questions, but spare the clear answers

You say Tomato . . . I say (Tomato Cans? - ed) Bridge Year.

Almost three weeks after firing World Series winning GM Dave Dombrowski, Red Sox (and Globe) owner John Henry finally had a press conference at Fenway late Friday afternoon, before the start of the season-ending series against the moribund Baltimore Orioles.

I’d like to tell you that this session answered all of our questions about the firing of Dombro and the future of the team, but that would be an alternate reality. Accompanied by ubiquitous wingman Tom Werner and CEO Sam Kennedy, Henry (and Werner) responded to 26 minutes of inquiries, but it was a tad confusing and intentionally ambiguous. These guys rarely talk to us and, when they do, sometimes it feels like they are speaking a foreign language. It was an awkward, sometimes bizarre press conference.

Shank did have some questions, primary among them this one:

I asked if this meant the Red Sox are headed for the dreaded Bridge Year.

Three weeks ago, however, Shank didn't seem to have any questions at all about the firing:

Fair or unfair, this felt inevitable. I wrote last month that I would be shocked if Dombrowski was still GM next year and those words were greeted with stony silence on Jersey Street. No one came to the defense of a boss that had just won the World Series and had finished in first place in each of his first three full seasons.

Granted, three weeks between events allows for a few questions to develop but every time I see a journalist 'demanding answers' or 'they need to explain themselves', it's pretty obvious that most of the time they're looking for a groveling apology or something as servile. By the time the column's over, it's clear that Shank does not actually mention any unanswered questions, only his 'disappointment' over the three week delay between Dombrowski getting axed and this press conference. That's probably the best route to take when you're more or less questioning (or not) the guy who writes your paycheck every week.

A Heckling Opportunity Presents Itself

Guess who's coming to my hometown today?

On the day he enters into the @MABroadcasters HOF, I want to recognize the most direct, fearless and honest reporter I’ve ever worked with in Boston. Congrats Jonny Miller!! Will be introduced today in Quincy by @Dan_Shaughnessy

— Mike Petraglia (@Trags) September 27, 2019

And Now For More Boston Globe Employee Bashing

HTML - how does it work?

Best in the business, folks. pic.twitter.com/rIaFiYZMby

— You're Right, Mike! (@YoureRightMike) September 25, 2019

Looks Like Today Is National Goofy Haircut Day

Presented without comment, which doesn't mean you can't comment!

Home for a few days, and was just rummaging in a childhood drawer for something else entirely* when I found this laminated pass. Just goes to show I’ve been a @Dan_Shaughnessy fan since the days of dot matrix library printers!

*A magnifying glass, of all things. Did not find it. pic.twitter.com/yuLDAgV1pT

— Eric Moskowitz (@ELMoskowitz) September 24, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXIX (?) - It's Shetland Pony Time Again, Part Deux

(The above Roman numeral indicating approximate times Shank got morally righteous in one of his columns - your mileage may vary!)

This has not been a decent run for the Boston Globe the past several days since Antonio Brown was released by the New England Patriots. After an initial attempt to criticize the team for bringing Brown on in the first place, Shank's little sister (aka Tara Shaughnessy Sullivan) tries the same lame trick.

Naturally, Shank doubles down on beating a dead horse and disguises it (not very well) as a semi-Picked Up Pieces-type column but injects a new twist - he's gonna criticize his boss as well, likely after being given the green light to do so:

We need answers from team ownership on a couple of matters

What do you mean 'we', kemosabe? And what kind of 'answers' do you seek, besides a groveling apology or two?

Some talking points regarding local sports ownership and accountability . . .

Yes, 'talking points' - a general set list of things to say and cutesy catchphrases that are first passed around to all 'journalists' in a manner reminiscent of the Journolist from the previous decade. Now they just do it via e-mail, once they got busted and exposed for their Borg-like hive mind mentality.

■ The Patriots and Bob Kraft have been in the news plenty over the past couple of weeks. Relatively speaking, it has allowed the Red Sox to skate free. Two weeks ago, the night the Red Sox fired their president of baseball operations, the Patriots were in the early hours of their Antonio Brown romance, raising a championship banner on the night they defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers in the season opener.

The firing of Dombrowski largely got lost in the subsequent two-week AB train wreck, but it’s worth discussing at this critical time in Sox franchise history. We can debate the strengths and weaknesses of Dombro forever; it won’t change the fact that he is gone. But we still have yet to hear a single word from team ownership.
...
I sent the Sox/Globe owner an e-mail requesting comment on this. Nothing yet. But he is a busy guy.

How convenient! Dan's pulling his punches with his boss - totally predictable. Now that this boilerplate critique of the Red Sox is behind him, let's introduce the headline act:

■ Now on to Kraft and Brown. Like the Red Sox on a GM, Patriot ownership has said nothing about Brown. Instead, we get planted suggestions from Friends of Bob. The first one came on game day in Miami when we read that “there’s no way Robert would have agreed to this if he knew about AB’s baggage.’’

Swell, but Kraft always had the ability to put a stop to the AB plan and willingly allowed Brown to play against the Dolphins.
…
It should be noted that Brown was no longer an employee of the Patriots when he went on his Twitter attack of Kraft.
Can we get back to the playing field now?

Does that shift of stance make any sense? Shank gets on his 'high horse' demanding answers right off the bat but by the end of the column, he just wants things to be over and 'get back to the playing field'. That would be easier to do without passive-aggressive columns like this one.

It's Shetland Pony Time Again

Did you think the Patriots releasing Antonio Brown would go down without Shank firing a few rounds at them? Hell no!

Patriots get no points for releasing Antonio Brown

I’m wondering if Antonio Brown gets a Super Bowl ring at Bob Kraft’s house next year.

And I’m wondering if the fans who purchased Antonio Brown jerseys from the Patriot Pro Shop for $99.99 will get their money back.

Hope not. The grinning, dopey guy we featured on these pages Friday — hoisting his No. 17 Patriots jersey at Gillette Stadium — deserves a
financial hit for abject stupidity.

On Friday afternoon, when it became obvious that the Brown situation was only going to get worse, the Patriots finally, grudgingly caved and released the talented but toxic wideout.
…
In this instance, the Patriots failed to do anything when it mattered.

I could not disagree more. The moment 'when it mattered' was Brown's first act of assholishness (for lack of a better phrase) while a member of the Patriots. Brown was given a shot at redemption by the Patriots, and he screwed it up. Naturally, this is completely ignored by Shank, who uses the rest of the column to lambaste as many people in the Patriots organization as reasonably possible.

Life's real easy when your whole schtick is second guessing everybody and piling on.

Watch Shank Squirm

On his weekly borefest radio appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub this morning, Shank wasn't allowed to sleepwalk and re-read his columns during the two hours he was on today:

Quality John Henry bashing right now with @ZoandBertrand
More! MORE!

— Jim Murray (@bigjimmurray) September 19, 2019

Oh, @BlindMike_ . @Marc_Bertrand just grilled Dan on the intern draft and mentioned the @kirkminshow. 11:40 segment.

— Nick Montecalvo (@MonteOutdoors) September 19, 2019

Partial squirmage can be found here:

pic.twitter.com/GXivPWOxJl

— Gumbus Maximus (@Gumbus_Maximus) September 19, 2019

Links to the Shank segments can be found here (first hour and second hour).

I'm wondering how things will play out from here. I don't know if this is a one-off from Beetle or if he keeps the pressure on him next week.

Either way, I'm making a prediction - Shank's days on that program are numbered.

He Who Sits In A Glass House

...should not throw stones:

New weird wrinkle: Antonio Brown accuser, Britney Taylor and Meek Mill have the same attorney: Jonathan Abady. Bob Kraft a well-known freedom fighter for Meek Mill.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) September 17, 2019

Reader reaction was as expected:

who is Brian McGrory's lawyer?

— Coach_DD (@dpd_hbk) September 17, 2019

Keep connecting the Dots. At some point you’ll be able to say with smug confidence that Kraft assaulted someone

— Jimbo (@TinPickle) September 17, 2019

Dan you work for #BostonGlobe who has an editor that was accused of sexual harassment also an alleged intern pool, then you went on #CNN that has a host Don Lemon accuses of sexual harassment but the #Patriots signing a player accused is where you draw your line in the sand?

— Barry (@LiciousLounge) September 17, 2019

Something tells me that Shank won't be fielding that last question.

I'm Here To Ruin Your Morning Coffee

Retweeted by Shank a few minutes ago; you have been warned...

"If you're on their team, [the Patriot fans] love you and that's that," says @Dan_Shaughnessy on the reaction to Antonio Brown playing his first NFL game for the New England Patriots days after he was sued on allegations of rape and sexual assault.https://t.co/FNNVZyx7Iw pic.twitter.com/E0Mf2Ab79j

— New Day (@NewDay) September 17, 2019

Sometimes I get the impression that a columnist who once wrote 'I write for the fans' didn't really mean it.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Today's column has Shank waxing rhapsodically about Carl Yastrzemski's grandson.

In the old days, it would have been Sherm Feller, Fenway’s voice of God, making the majestic announcement from upstairs in the PA booth.

Now batting . . . Number 8, Carl Yastrzemski. Left field. Yastrzemski.

Tuesday night at Fenway Park, Henry Mahegan will do the honors when Giants outfielder Mike Yastrzemski (No. 5 in your program) steps into the same batter’s box where his grandfather, Carl, stood all those years ago.

“It will be the first time since 1983 that the name ‘Yastrzemski’ will be announced,’’ says Grandpa Yaz, now 80. “It’s definitely going to be emotional. To see him come into Fenway Park where I played for 23 years, to have his name announced, that will be a great thrill for me.’’\

It might just be the highlight of this sorry Red Sox season.

Isn't that a nice touch?

It's Shetland Pony Time

My only surprise about Shank criticizing the New England Patriots over the Antonio Brown situation is that it's taken this long for him to respond:

Two days after killing Odin Lloyd, Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez looked into the eyes of Bob Kraft and lied.

“He said he was not involved,’’ Kraft testified in court in Fall River in 2015. “He said he was innocent.’’

Kraft later said that he was “duped’’ by Hernandez, who was eventually convicted of murder. Kraft told us he was duped when he gave Hernandez a $37 million contract extension. He was duped when Hernandez donated $50,000 to the Myra Kraft Giving Back Fund. He was duped when Hernandez said that the Patriot Way had changed his life.

Here we are again. It is not murder this time. It is a rape allegation. There is no criminal complaint. This is a “he-said-she-said” civil lawsuit filed against wide receiver Antonio Brown.

Of course this comes after other Globies are providing cover fire for Shank to do this relatively unnoticed.

Shank On Former Red Sox Boss Dave Dombrowski

Unable to rag on the New England Patriots after last night's 33-3 stomping of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Shank sets his sights on the former Sox president of baseball operations.

Dave Dombrowski is out as baseball boss of the Red Sox.

The news broke after midnight that Boston’s president of baseball operations had been fired.

Fair or unfair, this felt inevitable. I wrote last month that I would be shocked if Dombrowski was still GM next year and those words were greeted with stony silence on Jersey Street. No one came to the defense of a boss that had just won the World Series and had finished in first place in each of his first three full seasons.

Dombrowski did exactly what he was hired to do when the Sox brought him on board in the summer of 2015. He traded prospects for veteran talent. He signed big name free agents. He threw around contract extensions like fun-sized Halloween candies. He ignored draft and development. And he ignored a lot of the people who worked at Fenway Park.

To some extent, one of the ignored people also included Shank himself. Curious that this column seems to lay all the blame for this season's performance at his feet; nary a word about the players themselves. That part of it doesn't matter, as long as Shank has his fall guy.

Shank's First Salvo At The 2019 New England Patriots

Shank, channeling Sigmund Freud, has the New England Patriots all figured out:

Why Bill Belichick and the Patriots fit our self-image

A sixth championship banner will be unveiled at Gillette Stadium Sunday night before the Patriots kick off their 2019 season against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
As ever, Patriot Nation is smug, arrogant, and oh so satisfied.
I am convinced that the 21st- century Patriots are New England’s favorite team not just because they win, but because they reinforce the local notion that Bostonians are smarter than everybody else.

Jump on the Antonio Brown train wreck? Of course:

How smart? Get a load of this, America. The Patriots just signed Antonio Brown, the best receiver in the NFL and an egomaniacal misfit who acted his way out of Pittsburgh and Oakland in the last six months. It’s going to be all good with Brown now. In Foxborough, he will become an Eagle Scout — Mr. Team Above Self. He will suddenly be a guy who is all about winning and nothing else, simply because he has chosen to be part of the Patriot Way.

Who knew Shank read books?

Blame it on Oliver Wendell Holmes if you must. The Harvard-educated poet and humorist (and father of the legendary Supreme Court justice) is credited with first referencing the State House as “The Hub of the Solar System’’ in the Atlantic Monthly, which begat Boston becoming “The Hub of the Universe.’’

Maybe someone cribbed that stuff for him? That's my bet.

DHL Dan LXXXVIII - The One Where Shank Complains About Nearly Everything

You know what the result is of Shank taking a mini-vacation towards the end of the summer? A picked-up pieces column, of course!

What is amazing about this particular 'effort'is that Shank manages to complain about damn near everything under the sun, including Major League Baseball, the Red Sox, TB12, other NFL franchises (sans 'Tomato Can' references), and sundry others. He's one miserable dude, but you knew that already.

When Sports And Politics Collide, Bob Cousy Edition

Leave it to Shank to turn Bob Cousy's White House visit (where he received the Presidential Medal of Freedom) into a political editorial:

In the last few years, Cousy has urged everyone he knows to read Ta-Nehisi Coates’s “Between the World and Me,’’ which is a letter from the author to his teenage son about feelings and realities associated with being black in the United States.

This being the Boston Globe, there's an Elizabeth Warren ad right below that paragraph.

After graciously accepting his medal, Cousy stood at a podium in front of a portrait of Abraham Lincoln and delivered a five-minute speech. The Celtics legend thanked everyone profusely, including the Holy Cross Jesuits for installing his moral compass, then concluded his remarks with, “This is special because it is being presented by the most extraordinary president in my lifetime.”
…
The seemingly reverential remark infuriated some Cousy loyalists, including former Worcester Telegram columnist John Gearan, who fired off a mass e-mail, writing (in part), “My lifelong hero, Bob Cousy, has fallen from his pedestal and crashed into smithereens.”

Not so fast, everybody. The statement by Cousy was carefully crafted. Look up the word “extraordinary’’ in the dictionary. In my Google search, it comes up as “1. Very unusual or remarkable.’’

There you go. Would anyone disagree that President Trump is “very unusual”?

It was a perfectly gracious and ambiguous remark. Everybody heard what they wanted to hear.

Well, this guy's heard enough from Shank for the weekend.

I'll Take 'Giant Stuffed Dolls' for $800, Alex

They seem like a happy bunch nowadays, which was certainly NOT the case when Clemens pitched for the Red Sox:

Lot of water under the bridge with these two guys pic.twitter.com/TTKSYRLCKv

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) August 22, 2019

Here's when that all changed.

Preemptive Burial

With Red Sox pitcher Chris Sale now out of the starting lineup, Shank breaks out the backhoe on their season.

Chris Sale says he has been assured there is no tear in his elbow. No ligament damage. His elbow pain is merely inflammation. Everything will be reevaluated in four to six weeks.
So there’s no need for Tommy John surgery . . . at this time.


“We’ll get through this,’’ Sale said Tuesday afternoon in the Red Sox clubhouse. “It’s not the end of the world. Could be worse.
…
You say good news.

I say it’s potentially a disaster, having more to do with the future than the present.

The 2019 baseball season — a train wreck for Sale and the Red Sox — is over. There’s still north of 30 games to play and nothing’s official, but everyone knows there’s not going to be any postseason for the Red Sox and we are not going to see Sale in another game this year.

Some Things Never Change

1) Shank creating controversy where there was none before, 2) displaying mid-season Patriots trolling form and 3)…

You truly are an asshole. https://t.co/VOrtlBH0uS

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) August 18, 2019

Looks Like I Didn't Miss Much Here

I just got out of the hospital after spending five days at Beth Israel Deaconess for a cardiovascular problem that's been largely resolved. My normal daily routine involves reading lots of blogs and websites and small amounts of TV for keeping up on news and current events. Instead I watched a lot of CNBC, Bloomberg Business, ESPN, the Travel Channel and Discovery Channel. The latter two channels were amusing in that if there's an episode on with strange unexplained natural phenomena like crop circles or some such, it was explained by 'could it be... ALIENS???'

By way of contrast, Dan Shaughnessy is quite predictable to the point of boredom and parody, hence the reasons this website's been around for fifteen years now. How predictable is he? Well, I'll let him tell it:

Keeping up with the times is a challenge for this ancient sportswriter

We are all young when we start in this business of writing about professional sports; younger than the players.

I remember being petrified and intimidated, trying to ask questions of grizzled vet Carl Yastrzemski when I was 21 years old in 1975.

Dave Cowens — only four years older than me — was already an NBA MVP by the time I got to his locker in 1976. He told me my inquiry was a “high school question.’’ He was right. I was nervous, nerdy, and not ready.

Now I go into those same rooms and most of the players are younger than my own children.

I turned 66 last month. This means I am three times older than Rafael Devers. Not a little bit older. Not twice as old. Three times as old. For every day Rafael Devers has been on this earth, I have been here three days.
…
But now I am three times older than Rafael Devers and I’m still here. (Don’t get your hopes up, this is not a retirement announcement.)

So much for the early Christmas present!

Actually, it's a pretty good column and that could be from a number of factors - he's not shitting on one of the local pro teams & players, and... well, maybe that's the only compelling factor. We see this 'old grizzled veteran sportswriter' type of column every couple of months, one of his half-dozen or so column templates.

Then again, his other column is right back to the business at hand - complaining about the Red Sox:

The Red Sox foolishly rested their starting pitchers in March and April in expectation that they would have more in the tank for October.

Now there is not going to be an October, so Alex Cora probably will be able to shut down Chris Sale and David Price in the final weeks of this lost season.

Sunday at Fenway was one of those maddening losses that so typifies this annoying Red Sox season. The S.S. Dombrowski extended its trip to nowhere and made it clear that there will be no games for this team in October.

In summary, what we don't have here is a case of plus ca change - it just stays the same, without ever changing, and that's Shank in a nutshell.

DHL Dan LXXXVII - Piling On Some More

Since it's still a bit too early for Shank to take a crap on the New England Patriots, he's reached just about the six foot level in burying the 2019 Boston Red Sox.

Dave Dombrowski may have to take the fall for Red Sox’ falloff

Picked-up pieces while planning a rare October vacation . . .

■ I’ll be shocked if Dave Dombrowski is back with the Red Sox next season. Boston’s president of baseball operations has increasingly isolated himself with pals Frank Wren and Tony La Russa and has few friends inside Fenway’s walls. Dombrowski is under contract for just one more season.

When you have the top payroll in baseball and don’t make the playoffs, somebody has to go. Alex Cora isn’t going anywhere. Dombrowski has been exactly what we thought he would be. He delivered a championship. But he gets the blame for the Chris Sale and Nathan Eovaldi contracts and for failing to address the bullpen need. He’s clearly not the guy to oversee a much-needed farm system rebuild.

Was I just saying something about Shank not crapping on the Patriots? Boy, was I WRONG!

■ Fans who don’t think Bill Parcells should be in the Patriots Hall of Fame are irrational, immature, or just too young to know anything.

The Krafts want you to think they are the ones who turned the franchise around. No. Everything changed when Parcells was hired by then-owner James Orthwein. Parcells delivered instant credibility and got a 2-14 team into a Super Bowl in four seasons. He brought Bill Belichick to New England. He drafted Lawyer Milloy, Tedy Bruschi, Ty Law, Curtis Martin, and Willie McGinest.

Parcells left on bad terms after Kraft betrayed him, instructing Bobby Grier to make a first-round draft pick behind Parcells’s back.

Ask yourselves this, Parcells haters: How would Belichick have handled things if Kraft ordered Nick Caserio to overrule Belichick on draft day — without informing Belichick of what was going to happen?

Naturally, that is not the entire story about the Bill Parcells Era with the Patriots. Shank left a few things out in making his pitch.

Piling On, By Dan Shaughnessy

Nothing brings more joy to Shank than a Red Sox tailspin.

Collapsing Red Sox more about MIA stars than missed calls

NEW YORK — In 2019, the Yankees are Chris Sale’s Daddy.

Lurching into the fifth month of the worst season of his career — after signing a five-year, $145 million contract extension — Sale imploded on the Yankee Stadium mound Saturday afternoon. He gave up eight runs and nine hits in 3⅔ innings of a 9-2 loss.

When it was still a 1-1 game in the fourth, Sale got squeezed by umpire Mike Estabrook on an 0-and-2 pitch to Gio Urshela that appeared to be strike three. Sale fumed. He wound up surrendering a line single to Urshela. After getting the next man out, Sale yielded five consecutive hits. He got his manager ejected. He got taken out of the game by his acting manager. Then he got himself ejected.

More of the same at the link.

Not At A Loss (For Words)

Five game losing streak by the Red Sox (and a sixth on the horizon)? You bet Shank is all over it:

NEW YORK — Let’s not exaggerate. The Red Sox have endured worse weeks than the one we just witnessed. There was January 1934 when a large portion of Fenway Park burned down in the aftermath of a 63-86 season. There was 1983 when Buddy LeRoux staged an ownership coup on the same night the club was honoring Tony Conigliaro, who had lapsed into a coma. There was the day the Sox hired Joe Kerrigan as their manager. And let’s not forget that fateful week in 2011 when the Sox fired Terry Francona after a collapse owed to chicken and beer.

When a team has been around since 1901, there’s a high bar for low moments, but this past week in Sox World was pretty darned bad. The defending champs appeared demoralized by their front office’s inability to acquire pitching help at the trading deadline. Baseball boss Dave Dombrowski delivered a message that he doesn’t believe in the 2019 Sox and the players responded accordingly, losing five straight for the first time since a last-place season in 2015.

Quick column summary for you tl;dr types - it's all Dombrowski's fault.

Swept Up

It seems the only time Shank bothers to write about a Red Sox / Yankees series is when he's complaining about it. A few days ago he bitched about the slow pace of the games, and naturally his next column came after a loss by the Red Sox.

Was a sweep too much to ask?

Red Sox fans are a greedy lot. That’s what happens when you win four championships over 15 seasons.

And Shank's done his level best to minimize and downplay every one of them.

And so sweep talk dominated the Boston baseball landscape in the hours leading up to Sunday night’s ESPN hardball festival.

The 2019 Sox — sluggish for so much of this season — pantsed the first-place Yankees over the first three games of this series. Boston won all three games, outscoring New York by a whopping 38-13. The Sox struck a ridiculous 33 extra-base hits over three days, winning games by hideous scores of 19-3, 10-5, and 9-5. Brutal beatings, every one.

And when the Red Sox failed to sweep the Yankees, Shank's all over it like a fly on shit. For those of you who dare to read the rest of the column, note the exquisite detail in which Shank goes to document the manner in which the Sox lost the game. You can just picture the perma-smirk he had while banging this column out.

The One Where I Agree With Shank

Since the Tour de France is still going on I was watching that instead, but Shank has (dare I say it) a good column about the Sox / Yankees games.

The third-place Red Sox beat the Yankees, 19-3, Thursday, improving to 2-6 vs. New York this season. The Sox trail the first-place Bronx Bombers by 10 games, 11 in the loss column. The two teams have scored an aggregate 72 runs in their last three meetings.
Are we having fun yet?

Not me. I believe the Sox and Yankees are on a mission to kill baseball.

These ancient rivals play interminable games. They grind. They foul off a million pitches. They step out of the box. They teach their pitchers to strike every batter out. They do not want “the chaos of the ball in play.’’ They drain all the blood from your face. They do this until the only people still “watching” are old folks who fall asleep in front of the TV.

If I recall correctly, the London series between these two clubs (two games) was a combined nine hours long.

Check that:

When the Sox played the Yankees in London the games went 4:42 and 4:24. Back to back. A great way to sell the product overseas, no?

Well, they're like shorter cricket matches, so there's that...

There's No Promotion

...like self-promotion - check out this retweet by Shank, complete with a picture of his latest book and a trendoid hipster beer, natch:

Checked another book off the summer reading list tonight with @Dan_Shaughnessy’s Francona book.

Best read of the year so far. Always rooting for Tito when he’s not facing the Sox. pic.twitter.com/mkVakTic3W

— Miles McQuiggan (@MilesMcQuiggan) July 23, 2019

Milestone Reached

The post below this one is the 3,000th post of the Dan Shaughnessy Watch. As Ric Flair would say, Whooooooo!

DHL Dan LXXXVI - Summer With The Shank

Doesn't sound like we missed a whole lot:

COOPERSTOWN, NY — Picked up pieces from three days at the Hall of Fame.
■ The Red Sox had a relatively light representation at Sunday’s induction ceremony. Among the new Hall of Famers — Mariano Rivera, Edgar Martinez, Roy Halladay, Mike Mussina, Harold Baines, and Lee Smith — only Smith played for Boston and that was a mere two-plus seasons between 1988-90. Smith surrendered a game-losing, 10th-inning, two-run homer to fellow Hall of Famer Alan Trammell in his first Sox game and was part of Morgan Magic in 1988.

Pedro Martinez, Jim Rice, Wade Boggs, and Dennis Eckersley were among more than 50 Hall of Fame players on stage with Smith and the other new inductees. Carlton Fisk and Carl Yastrzemski did not attend the New York-centric ceremony.

That's A Big 10-4

Here's Shank getting an easy column out of David Price reigniting his 'feud' with Dennis Eckersley:

COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. — I’ve never really found it hard to take sides in the David Price-Dennis Eckersley dust-up. Price is a talented baby who feels he is being a good teammate and a tough guy when he rips Eckersley. A bewildered Eckersley, who never wants to talk about it, just shrugs his shoulders and wonders about his nonsensical nemesis in the Sox clubhouse.

“He’s my new Kirk Gibson,’’ Eckersley said with a laugh Saturday in Cooperstown, N.Y. “Everywhere I go people are asking me about David Price, telling me what he said about me. For years, I carried the Gibson thing around. Everybody was droppin’ a Gibson on me. Now I got this. I don’t get it.’’

No one understands it. But let’s get one thing straight: This is not a back-and-forth feud. This is Price — twice in three years — going out of his way to attack Eckersley. Eck has never fired back and he’s not firing back now. He initiated none of it and studiously avoids the topic. I tried to get him to talk about it again Saturday with no luck. Eck just wants to enjoy his life, his grandchildren, and his broadcast career. He’s recovered from alcoholism, broken marriages, and surrendering one of the most famous home runs in World Series history. A few mean words from a petulant millionaire lefty can’t hurt him.

Agreed - Price is acting like a jerkoff and he should just can it.

The One Where Shank Starts To Turn On David Price?

Shank's been pretty supportive of Red Sox pitcher David Price ever since the Sox signed him three and a half years ago. That appears to be changing.

Fellow Boston Globe baseball reporter Chad Finn is doing a story on former MLB ace and current NESN announcer Dennis Eckersley and the 2017 'feud' between Eckersley and Price has now become the focal point, at least for some people around here:

I mean David Price won a World Series here and Eck did not, so I guess the fans can rally around him now in this weird feud. Here he basically implies nobody likes Eck past or present, but he has lots of friends that will say nice things about him after he retires. Cool, I guess https://t.co/2RbtS4MD2q

— Matt Dolloff (@mattdolloff) July 17, 2019

I interviewed people for the story and didn't use anything they said because there was so much universal praise for him that it got redundant. Jim Rice loves him. Remy. Buddy Bell. He's a son to La Russa. Scott Sanderson, who recently passed away, loved him On and on ... https://t.co/HuyMbB8QCN

— Chad Finn (@GlobeChadFinn) July 17, 2019

Further, the MLB doc included interviews with ex-teammates Ron Darling, Bruce Hurst, Mark (And I'm Mark) McGwire, Ray Fosse, and Fred Lynn, among others. https://t.co/13Gx5VDl8G

— Chad Finn (@GlobeChadFinn) July 17, 2019

Naturally, Shank has to weigh in with a tweet that demonstrates a lack of self-awareness:

David Price thinks he holds the cards. Then why be such a jackass? https://t.co/vY7eeFsdDn

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

There are plenty of things that Shank's written about over the years that make him look like a jackass, so let's savor that irony for now. Further down the road, if the Red Sox can't land a playoff spot and Price winds up pitching poorly, expect Shank's criticism of Price to reach the point where he'll become the next Red Sox player to be run out of town by His Shankness.

UPDATE AT 5:40 PM - Sure looks like Shank's setting the table to eventually run David Price out of town when the time is right:

Just spoke with Bruce Cornblatt, sr. producer of MLB Eck Doc. Said, "I came away feeling Eck's teammates all loved him. We got 100 % cooperation from those we asked. Hurst, Fosse, Darling, McGwire, Lynn, Remy.We didn't ask many. By design. This was supposed to be Eck on Eck.''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

Re-establishing that Price doesn’t know what he’s talking about https://t.co/H950NZa8RZ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

You Were Saying...?

No one pummels Tomato Cans like these 2019 Red Sox. Look for them to go 7-0 vs. Jays and Oriole this week. Whee! Then they will suck vs. Yankees and Rays. Show pony Sox are 19-28 (.404) vs. teams with winning records.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 15, 2019

Andrew Cashner’s debut just more of the same https://t.co/DOK6ORRtGf via @BostonGlobe

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2019

Simply Unbelievable

(another in an occasional departure from Shank bashing)

There I was a little while ago, sitting around and watching old Star Trek reruns on BBC America, happy as a clam, when a commercial came on and I flipped the channels. For some reason I turned it to 'The "Best" of Felger and Mazz' and tuned in to a segment when Felger and (who I'm pretty sure was) Adam Jones, subbing on for the nearly equally loathsome Tony Massarotti (more on that in a minute). What a fucking monumental mistake that was.

Supposed tennis expert Michael Felger was talking about yesterday's men's Wimbeldon final between Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer, in what was instantly billed as an all-time classic match. Unfortunately, I didn't watch much of that match since it interfered with my Tour de France watching, but I don't believe for a millisecond that Felger watched any of it himself. Instead of doing what you might expect of a decent and normal person and giving Djokovic credit for an epic win, Felger instead trashed Federer and said 'he choked, CHOKED it away!' 'He hit that last ball off the side of his racket and it went way into the second stands!' or some such garbage. As the ensuing 'discussion' went on, the co-host corrected Felger on a number of points about the match, leaving this cat with the unmistakable impression that the only thing Felger watched was the last five minutes of the match, and to no one's surprise, focused entirely on the losing side and that massive choke artist Roger Federer, holder of 20 Grand Slam major titles in his career, better than any other men's tennis player.

For whatever reason, Felger needs to demonstrate a pathological need to point out any and all perceived shortcomings, real or imagined, in order to diminish the loser of a game or match in order to make some emotional, overcharged and hyperbolic point. After many years of watching / listening to this asshole, it is now clear he is wholly incapable of mentioning the good / right / correct things the winner did to win the game or match. It is a compulsive need to be an asshole, or does it help 98.5 FM's ratings during afternoon drive time to be an asshole? The world may never know.

And don't get me started about another asshole - ESPN's Tom Rinaldi, perhaps the worst combination of insincerity, fake praise, phony ass-kissing and general douchebag qualities ever assembled into the most useless of sports coverage, the sideline 'reporter'. I killed the feed just before Rinaldi finished his first sentence of fake praise at Novak, and I don't believe Novak was entirely thrilled with that interview himself.

On to Massarotti - a few weeks ago, they were talking about golf and mentioned three time major winner Brooks Koepka. Being the professional asshole he is, he outright dismissed two of his U.S. Open wins for no apparent reason whatsoever. I realize that this can be considered cherrypicking, but Mazz gave me no reason to consider his blithe dismissal of those accomplishments, nor did Felger acknowledge Djokovic's win in any respect.

Besides the Felger-infused rant here, the larger point is this - Bruce Allen was completely right about six years ago. While this particular bit of fake sports outrage from Felger set me off tonight for a reason, it's because the fake outrage is not reasoned. There is no pretense of reason with someone claiming in an unconvincing fashion that a 20 time Grand Slam winner 'choked, CHOKED!' away a Wimbledon final win. Did it ever occur to Michael Felger that that last shot of Federer's he loved to trash was... simply mishit, or missed?

Unfortunately, Bruce left the counter-criticism business a few years ago, in disgust. I now feel that disgust more than ever. However, I with my co-blogger Mike will soldier on, because the unrelenting 200% negative crap from the likes of Felger, Shaughnessy, et. al. needs to be continually countered and critiqued

Shank's New Recycling Method

The Boston Globe helps out with further recycling efforts - who needs DHL Dan / Picked Up Pieces columns anymore?

From the archives | @Dan_Shaughnessy’s summary of the Home Run Derby held at Fenway Park 20 years ago tonight: “Who ever heard of a batting practice block party?” https://t.co/uPj7gMGwxu

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) July 13, 2019

New Bud Book Juices Shank's Loins

This is the circular reasoning of someone who knows no logic (aka, sports columnists): Ask a leading question. Get no response. Assume the lack of response means the subject has something to hide.

In financial circles, public companies are notably (sometimes for legal compliance) cautious about speaking out of turn. Given that officers can go to jail for saying the wrong thing, they tend to clam up. They are especially prudent when it comes to speculation, or even commenting on speculation. Reason: If you make a habit of disputing rumor, observers will assume true any rumor you don't comment on. So the safest approach is to decline comment on everything.

Sports commissioners often find themselves in no-win positions. They work for the owners, yet the fans and media tend to assume they work for the consumers. So they ask stupid questions and get their panties in a wad when they don't get the answers they want.

To wit: Bud Selig, former MLB commissioner, has written a book. And Shank, ever opportunistic, feels he need to share an anecdote about ... former NBA commissioner David Stern. (Block that metaphor!)

Likewise, he mentions the conspiracy that baseballs are juiced. This apparently is due to the fact that there are a lot of home runs in baseball. Has the CHB ever actually watched a major league game? Some of these guys could hit marshmallows 500 feet. There are also a lot of strikeouts in baseball. Why? Because everyone is trying to hit homeruns. Duh.

But I digress, as does The CHB. Back to Selig. Apparently Bud Man should have done more about steroids in baseball. I agree ... but keep in mind the keepers of the faith -- aka the sportswriters -- turned a blind eye to what was going on as well. And then -- worse, in my opinion -- those same sportswriters have taken to trying to establish policy by deciding who did -- and didn't -- take PEDs. So Nomar Garciaparra must have cheated. Same with Mike Piazza. And Jeff Bagwell. And so on and so on.

To lay that all at Bud Selig's feet is a bit much, especially when writers like Shank continue to rewrite the same columns ad nauseam.

Then there's the "bag job" -- the story about the sale of the Red Sox to John Henry. Selig allows that Henry was the preferred acquirer. But clearly former trustee John Harrington didn't want to sell to the other bidders. Moreover, Henry, as a minority owner of the Yankees and then owner of the Marlins, had already been vetted. Let's go back to the top: The commissioner works for the owners. The Red Sox were and are a private entity, not a public trust. Why was Shank so PO'd about Henry buying the team? It remains a mystery. Perhaps he was taking graft from one of the bidders to push their candidacy.

Perhaps someday The CHB will write a book, at which time we can remind of of this paraphrased quote: "Refreshing. A man who is no longer a sportswriter is liberated."

DHL Dan LXXXV - Shank Wants A Closer

Nothing says lazy like a second Picked Up Pieces column in three weeks:

■ Crushing Dave Dombrowski for the Red Sox bullpen failure is not a second-guess by anybody around here. Like everybody else, I challenged Dombro on the state of the Sox bullpen in spring training, and on March 17 he told me, “I think we’ll be ready . . . I understand there’s no proven closer and until somebody gets out there and does that, there’s always an uncertainty, but we think we have enough ability there to get the job done . . . We’ll be fine out there, I believe. Give guys a chance and we’ll see what takes place.’’ As we all know, this philosophy was built on “hope’’ rather than established talent. Bad bullpen-building cost Dombrowski a World Series when he had a Tiger wagon in 2013, and it may keep his team out of the playoffs this year. What a waste. The Sox are built to win now and have the top payroll in baseball. But Dombrowski put cheap gas in a Rolls-Royce and paid the price. The announcement that Nathan Eovaldi will take over as closer was equally weird. Dombrowski refused to say it was “desperation,’’ insisting it was a move of “urgency.’’ No, thanks. It’s risky to hand the job to a guy who’s had two Tommy John surgeries. Plus, Eovaldi doesn’t want to close and is still at least a week away. Meanwhile, the Sox went into the weekend with an American League-leading 18 blown saves. It’s time to trade for a closer. Who do they think they are kidding?

Here's another question - does Shank want to keep his job at the Boston Globe?

■ Regarding bringing on more payroll, John Henry last weekend told WEEI’s Rob Bradford, “It’s not a luxury-tax issue, it’s a question of how much money do we want to lose. We’re already over budget and we were substantially over our budget last year and this year. We’re not going to be looking to add a lot of payroll.’’ Stunned that the world champion Boston Red Sox might be losing money, I e-mailed the owner to ask if I was reading this correctly and if NESN revenues are counted when calculating losses. Henry, who also owns the Globe, did not respond.

He'll respond to Shank the next time the Globe announces their next 'restructuring'.

Okay - this one's pretty funny:

■ If Mayor Pete Buttigieg gets sick and can’t make it to the next debate, he can send Brad Stevens in his place and no one will know the difference.

■ Mookie Betts’s odd decline actually started last year in the playoffs. After his over-the-top MVP season (.346, 32 homers), Betts batted .210 in three postseason series with one homer and 12 strikeouts over 14 games. Betts went into Saturday bstting .268, down 78 points from 2018. Meanwhile, exactly what is going on with Andrew Benintendi?

So maybe it's not just the closer that's the problem this year, Shank?

We don't have to wait another month for Shank to rag on the Patriots:

■ Patriots fans go wild with excitement any time there’s any cherry-picked stat to indicate that the AFC East is not a joke. Meanwhile, New England will go into this season with a quarterback who has 237 career wins (including postseason). The other three projected starting quarterbacks (Sam Darnold, Josh Rosen, Josh Allen) in the Warhol Division have fewer combined wins than Brady did during the 2007 regular season.

Whenever Shank is confronted by a single statistic (total wins by division) that should forevermore render this argument moot, he calls us 'cherry pickers'. The burden's on him to explain why this stat should be considered just that.

What Do You Mean 'We', Kemosabe?

There's that, and then there's the false notion that Shank's been in the Red Sox's corner the whole season:

A couple of hours ago, when the Red Sox scored 6 in the bottom of the first to tie the game, John Smoltz got sucked in and did what we've all done this year: He said "this could be the moment that turns their season around''

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 29, 2019

Slowly Aged, Like A Fine Whine

It took Shank nearly two months to lay into (soon to be former) Celtic Kyrie Irving?

Back in April, Boston.com conducted a poll to determine the greatest sports villain in our town. Sixty-four nominees were offered in NCAA Tournament bracket fashion. More than 130,000 votes were cast and the winner/loser was NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. The Ginger Hammer won by more than 1,000 votes in each of six rounds, easily beating Alex Rodriguez in the final.

I demand a new vote.

I believe that at this hour, Kyrie Irving would be a runaway winner, defeating even the man who was so mean to those cheatin’ Patriots.

This is rich, coming from the most hated man in Boston sports media, isn't it?

The Long (And Whining) Road

"Good thing there is always a losing team. If there wasn't, Dan would have nothing to write about."

No truer statement has ever been written about the Boston Globe's longest serving columnist:

After a tough loss, Red Sox have a long road ahead

The phony “surging” Red Sox blew another save Wednesday and lost to the White Sox, 8-7, despite Chicago making every effort to give the game to Boston.

The indomitable Chris Sale (10 more strikeouts — whee!) gave up five earned runs and has now won three of his last 21 starts, but probably will be featured as the red-hot guy in the NESN “Hot Zone” when he returns to Fenway Park in a couple of weeks, trying to win his first game at home in more than a year.

'Whee!'? Seriously?

The Sox trail the Yankees by nine games in the American League East and reigning MVP Mookie Betts, who evidently has no interest in staying in Boston, is on a pace to finish the season hitting .265 with 26 homers and 72 RBIs.

But enough of this reality. The star-powered Sox are an unparalleled commercial entity and are set to take their show on the road to London for a couple of days. They are off to Great Britain, where they will play two games against the Yankees in a land where no one knows anything about baseball.

Shank Sees The Dark Cloud With The Silver Lining

After a 6-3 win over the Chicago White Sox last night at Fenway Park, Shank 'helpfully' points a few things out:

NESN really thinks you are stupid. Now using JBJ was the "hot" hitter in the Heat Zone -- while mocking some struggling everyman on the White Sox. Fact is, JBJ could have been the "cold" guy in every MLB market for the last three months while he was hitting .150. #bebetter

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 25, 2019

White Sox. Two balls in play. Two mistakes. This helps “surging” Red Sox

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 25, 2019

Xander Bogaerts should demand to be charged with an error on that ball.
Seriously. What does it take to get charged with an error in 2019? Everything is a hit.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 26, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXIV - The Nonbeliever

In his first Picked-Up Pieces column in over six weeks, Shank (and everyone else in the greater Boston area) isn't buying what the authorities in the Dominican Republic are selling:

Picked-up pieces while hearing the sounds of lie detectors exploding from Santo Domingo to Boston . . .

■ While we continue to wish David Ortiz the best as he recovers from being shot almost two weeks ago, the explanation we were given by authorities in the Dominican Republic Wednesday is simply not believable. Seriously.

Mistaken identity? Do the Dominican authorities think we are all stupid? Would Elvis Presley have been mistaken for anyone else if he sat at a cafe in Memphis in the 1960s? Tom Brady on Newbury Street in Boston in 2019?

Many had much to lose if uncomfortable truths were unearthed in this case. So 10 days after the crime, we got this whopper of whoppers. The authorities cracked the case. Wrong guy.

He goes on from there to bitch and moan about the Celtics, NESN, the Bruins and we hear about a few bands from the 1960's. In other words, it's your typical and predictable Shank column.

Oh - and there's this:

■ Wonder if I can be like Brady and patent “Curly-Haired Boyfriend” and “Shank” so that no one else gets it first.

You get right on it, Shank!

Shank The Scold

A full four days after a number of folks got their panties in a bunch over the US Women's National (Soccer) Team (USWNT) 13-0 drubbing of Thailand, Shank mounts his high horse Shetland pony and weighs in:

US women’s soccer team running up the score on Thailand was a bad look

My fellow Americans will take to the pitch again Sunday in France, resuming their quest to advance in the Women’s World Cup with a match against woeful Chile.

I have no doubt that victory will be ours. I’m just hoping to see a better demonstration of fair play and sportsmanship.

In case you missed it, on Tuesday the Americans beat Thailand, 13-0, in their opening Cup match. Our players never let up and celebrated every goal with exuberance you’d expect to see if somebody hit a walkoff grand slam in the seventh game of the World Series.

In the aftermath of our World Cup slaughter and the odious, self-congratulations that accompanied each goal (even the ones after we reached double figures), some criticism was aimed at the American squad. This triggered the standard angry defenses from the Colosseum crowd.

I watched the entire match. I do not share that opinion, because nearly all of the goal celebrations went like this - one of the USWNT scored a goal, there was some jumping around, followed by a group hug, then they went back to the center circle. Their objection seems to be that it was done thirteen times.

It goes on from there, but let me state this - Thailand was badly outclassed in every metric - height, size, speed and skill. My prediction before the game was 7-0 but once the 2nd half began the level of physical conditioning between the two teams became eyepopping as well, so the ass kicking wasn't a surprise at all. Furthermore, this is probably the best USWNT side to ever take the pitch, so again, this result isn't surprising, at least to someone who actually watched the whole match.

Conveniently omitted from all this, of course, was this touch of class by USWNT striker Carli Lloyd, but that doesn't fit Shank's agenda, does it?

And all of this, from a columnist who also complains when Tom Brady is still in the game when the Patriots are 'running up the score'. Jagoff.

Shank's Stanley Cup Wrapup

It's pretty much what you'd expect:

Feels like a lost opportunity as Bruins fall in Game 7

No one around here was ready for this.

A Boston team losing a championship game? Impossible.

But it happened. The Bruins were spanked, 4-1, on Garden ice in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final Wednesday. The St. Louis Blues won the first championship in their 52-year history. A Boston hockey season that started in September in Beijing ended in abject disappointment nine days before the start of summer. It was a stunning defeat in an era when we have become accustomed to only good things happening to Boston teams. And it feels like a lost opportunity.

Rehash Radio Ad Infinitum

Just confirming the obvious:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Game 7, Game 7, Game 7. Plenty of Big Papi talk. Dan's Dates at 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 11, 2019

Remember this column from Monday? That's what you and I heard during the first segment of Shank's appearance this morning. And if you didn't hear it, you're better off for it.

Back On The Bruins Bandwagon

The Bruins won Game 6 of the 2019 Stanley Cup finals, 5-1 over the St. Louis Blues. Here's an outline of the Bruins discussion Shank will regurgitate on the radio tomorrow morning:

ST. LOUIS — Folks here were ready to knock down the Gateway Arch and party like it was 1999 — back in the days when they had a team that went on to win the town’s only Super Bowl.

The city that gave the world Stanley Musial was going to win its first Stanley Cup, and as many as 40,000 ticketless fans gathered outside the arena in anticipation of victory. The Cup was in the house, and the Blues were ready to claim it for the first time in their 52-year history.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch didn’t even bother to wait. Sunday’s e-edition of the local journal delivered several messages of congratulations many hours before the start of Game 6. The premature puck elation included a letter from Blues chairman Tom Stillman, thanking fans for a “dream come true” and referencing how excited he was about the upcoming parade on Market Street.

You know the drill by now - standard (if brief) game recap, historical Game 7 numbers, etc.

Bruins Loss = Shank Hockey Column

Like the sun rising and setting...

The script was perfect. Local star leader plays with injury, endures unspeakable pain, yet paces his team to victory.

There was that night in the Bronx when Curt Schilling bled into his sock because of a surgically repaired tendon and beat the Yankees in the American League Championship Series. And then there was that time Larry Bird slammed his head on the parquet floor of the Old Garden, went to the locker room, and returned to torch the Indiana Pacers in a playoff game. Oh, and let’s not forget Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe beating the Dolphins despite playing with a metal pin sticking out of the index finger of his throwing hand.

Not Thursday night in the Stanley Cup Final. With 42-year-old captain Zdeno Chara playing with what might be a broken jaw, the Bruins lost the crucial fifth game, 2-1, at the heavy hands of the St. Louis Blues. Boston trails in the series, 3-2, and plays Game 6 Sunday night in St. Louis.

Stanley Cup - Game 4 Recap

After the St. Louis Blues won Game 4 last night, 4-2, Shank writes a cliché-ridden, paint-by-numbers recap thereof:

ST. LOUIS — It felt a little too easy over the weekend. After the Bruins skunked the St. Louis Blues, 7-2, Saturday, some folks back in Boston started making parade plans. With another win in Game 4, the Bruins would have a chance to win the Stanley Cup on Garden ice Thursday night.

Not anymore.

The Obligatory Harry Sinden Column

Using a lesser employed column template, Shank goes back a few years and lets us know the old Boston Bruins hand is still around.

ST. LOUIS — He is the Bear in Winter. Still watching. Still working. Still bleeding Black and Gold.

Harry Sinden will be 87 in a few months and still reports to the Garden regularly, bouncing thoughts and ideas off Bruins president Cam Neely and general manager Don Sweeney.

“My official title is ‘Senior Adviser to the Owner,’ ’’ says Sinden when reached by phone. “But actually the only word that really applies in that title is the first one.

When you don't know jack shit about the series or even care about it, this is the result. This is not a knock on Harry Sinden, who was influential and successful, but it's such an obviously lazy and borrowed theme from Shank, and the column's saving grace is letting Sinden do all the talking.

Shocked

Wow - Shank bangs out his second column in a day and does a column after a Bruins win? What's this world coming to?

ST. LOUIS — The locals waited 49 years for this? Almost 18,000 days? That’s a lot of Mississippi River icewater under the Eads Bridge.

Your Bruins skated into Enterprise Center Saturday night and cut the hearts out of the St. Louis Blues and their fans. Wobbling after a 3-2 loss at home, playing without Charlestown’s Matt Grzelcyk, who was concussed by a dirty hit in Game 2, the Bruins punched back with a dominating, 7-2 win in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Final.

Speed and skill beats size and stupidity every time and the Bruins took it to the Blues in every way.

What's not shocking - his frontrunning / hijacking of the local bandwagon yet again.

A History Lesson

Longtime readers of Shank should be familiar with this type of column template by now.

Boston and St. Louis have a long sports history
...
The Boston-St. Louis pro sports rivalry started in 1946 when the Cardinals beat the Red Sox at Sportsman’s Park in Game 7 of the World Series. That was the game in which Johnny Pesky allegedly held the ball too long on a relay from the outfield as Enos Slaughter rounded third base and scored the winning run. Ted Williams, who batted only .200 in the Series, cried on the 24-hour train ride home to the Hub. Legend holds that Teddy Ballgame was out of sorts because he hurt his elbow when he was hit by a pitch in a meaningless exhibition staged to keep the Sox sharp before the start of the Series (sound familiar, Brad Marchand fans?)

The Cardinals beat the Red Sox in a World Series Game 7 at Fenway in 1967, but Boston got its baseball revenge in 2004 and again in 2013.

Columns largely built on a recital of sports events between two cities has long been a staple of Shank's, as it requires little heavy lifting.

The Chris Sale Conundrum

What would life be like without Shank shitting on one of the Red Sox pitchers?

Chris sale with THREE MORE STRIKEOUTS in the third. Oh, and he also gave up four hits, three runs and the lead.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 1, 2019

Update: this is now one win in 16 starts. https://t.co/i6vnTbMBkk

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 1, 2019

Thanks for the update, Shank!