These Arbitron Ratings = Blutarsky's GPA

The best two hours of local sports talk radio... said no one, ever:

On @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. Hardy filling in for Beetle. Sarge doing the headlines. Basically, the Dream Team of local sports radio. Dan's Dates at 1:45.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 17, 2018

I do feel a little sorry for Scott Zolak, though.

March Of The Summer Tomato Cans

The Toronto Blue Jays snapped the Red Sox's 10 game winning streak last night, 13 - 7. Shank is there to rain on their parade:

Sorry Sox fans. Still impossible to tell how good Sox are. Jays, like Angels, Nats, Royals and Rangers just begging to be beaten. #marchoftomatocans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 13, 2018

Readers are there to remind Shank of a few things:

Right exactly. As if it's the Red Sox fault that everybody else is terrible. They all get their fair share of terrible teams to play and the Red Sox have pulverized everybody else the hardest.

— David Nielson (@DaveNielsonKW) July 14, 2018

You've been doing the same act with @Patriots for 17 years...its all about bad competition and never about the thehome team just being good. What's truly impossible, is to figure out how you get continuously paid for writing the same ole shit every day.

— Brian Sullivan (@bsbigtime) July 14, 2018

Remember that time you said shit about the Eagles for two weeks and changed your profile picture to a tomato can... thank god the players and coaching staffs take their opponents more seriously than you

— Trevor Barnette(@trevor_barnette) July 14, 2018

And the winner:

For the love of God.....c'mon Dan.....you're the guy that would complain about too much teeth in a BJ

— JD64 (@JMDon64) July 14, 2018

The David Price Paradox

Shank wants to take a monster shit on the Red Sox lefty, but can't quite bring himself to do it.

Had a quick back-and-forth with my main man, David Price, at his locker Wednesday afternoon. Here’s how it went:

Me: “You said you were ‘searching’ after that bad outing in KC the other night. Did you find what you were looking for?”

Price: “Yup.”

Me: “Can you tell me what you learned?”

Price: “Nope.”

And it goes downhill from there, with Shank egging him on and Price lying through his teeth.

In case you're wondering, here's Shank ripping off / reusing local talk radio to write part of his columns for him:

Caller on Line 1: “Yeah, I love the Red Sox, but I just don’t trust David Price in a big game. He’s soft. He thinks too much. Are we gonna be able to pitch him against the Yankees, or in the playoffs?’’

Host: “Can’t argue with any of that. That’s the $217 million question for the Red Sox in the next few months.’’

Compare And Contrast - A Continuing Series

Dan Shaughnessy, yesterday:

Try to find good baseball conversation. Spend an hour alternating between the Sports Hub and WEEI and take note of how little baseball conversation you hear.

Dan Shaughnessy, this morning:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Will see if I can cajole Zo into making fun of baseball. Dan's Dates, too

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 10, 2018

Is cajoling someone into 'making fun of baseball' a way to promote 'good baseball conversation'? It is not - Shank is not serious about the former comment, as it distracts from his primary summer mission - dismissing and destroying the Red Sox in any manner possible.

And Now For Some (Objective) Bruce M*** Bashing

The quarterly magazine he works for, Commonwealth Magazine, has a readership whose readers have just become more selective. Let's hear it from the horse's mouth:

TODAY’S RELEASE of the print issue of CommonWealth will be our last. After surveying readers (both of them! - ed.), consulting with board members of MassINC, and holding many discussions with my colleagues here at the magazine, I’ve decided we should stop printing the quarterly print magazine and focus all of our attention and resources on the CommonWealth website.

The decision wasn’t easy. MassINC has been publishing the magazine for more than 20 years, but the growing success of our 9-year-old website and its various digital products has forced a re-evaluation of our priorities. The website has become our prime vehicle for reaching readers and an important part of the way public policy is explored in Massachusetts.

In the end, I concluded the print magazine took too much time and too many resources to produce. My belief is that these resources should be redeployed to the website, its various digital products, and our podcast, which we call The Codcast.

We explored a number of compromise positions, including publishing a thinner magazine (you’ll notice this issue is a bit narrower), a smaller-sized magazine, and even reducing the number of issues we publish. We evaluated each option closely, but in the end they all felt as if they were merely delaying the inevitable.

Good luck with going to a pay site, or the real 'delaying of the inevitable' is just a few more years away.

Easy Call Made / Glass Is Half Empty Guy

The Boston Red Sox have the best record in baseball and have won six road games in a row. Once again, Shank belittles this achievement by saying 'all the other teams suck':

The Red Sox Sunday completed their three-game sweep of the Kansas City Royals. Aggregate score: Boston 32, Kansas City 13.

The Sox are now 62-29 — 33 games over .500. The Royals have lost nine straight and 27 of 31. KC is 39 games under .500.

If one team is winning a lot of games, that strongly implies another team / teams is / are losing a lot of games. Logic has never been one of Shank's strong suits.

The Sox come home Monday and get to play the last-place Rangers for the next three nights. Then we’ll get a weekend look at the moribund Blue Jays who are 20 games out of first place.

On and on it goes. Meaningless game after meaningless game as the Red Sox put up cartoonish numbers while we wait for the real games to start in October. So much winning.

Whoop dee do.

If anyone has doubts about Shank despising at least this local professional sports team, that last little sentence should remove all doubt. This column goes on to make some good points about some of the reasons behind the declining popularity of baseball, but they are greatly devalued with flippant comments like that one.

Are you ready for this particular load of crap?

Here in baseball-savvy Boston, the Olde Towne Team is playing at a near-record pace, but it seems that local sports fans only want to talk about the Celtics and NBA free agency. Tom Brady and Julian Edelman. Try to find good baseball conversation. Spend an hour alternating between the Sports Hub and WEEI and take note of how little baseball conversation you hear. Unless there’s yet another caller bashing David Price, the Sox don’t generate much sports talk these days.

Shank appears for two hours on 98.5 The Sports Hub just about every week. If he feels there isn't enough baseball conversation, there's a way to address that problem - provide it when you do these appearances.

Strikeout inflation is a big part of the problem. I have grown to hate strikeouts. A strikeout used to be a measure of a pitcher’s dominance. Not anymore. Everybody strikes out. All the time. A 10-strikeout effort by a starting pitcher is no longer a big deal. For the first time in history, baseball features more strikeouts than hits. This will be the 11th consecutive season in which MLB sets a record for strikeouts.

Whoop dee bloody do.

See what I mean?

In case you're wondering, Shank still hates numbers and the people that use them:

Aanalytics (copy desk - get me rewrite! - ed.) are out of control. Even commissioner Rob Manfred agrees. Manfred recently told The Athletic, “There is a growing recognition that analytics have produced certain trends in the game that we may need to be more proactive about reversing. There are owners that feel that way. There are fans that feel that way.’’

Meanwhile, as the game is taken over by geeks, the players become more faceless. Mike Trout? Great player. Why isn’t he as popular and well known as Kevin Durant or Steph Curry?

I don't know, Shank - maybe columnists could write about him some more?

This is fairly irritating - Shank bitches and moans about a lack of certain sports conversation, yet he is in a position to rectify this in two ways - in print and in media. If he chooses not to do so, I think he should shut the hell up about it. That is the root of passive-aggressive behavior, which is in my book a character flaw.

Larry Bird Watch?

Well, not exactly! The Boston Celtics picked Jabari Bird in the second round of last year's NBA draft, and he had a couple of nice dunks in a recent NBA Summer League game. I can hardly wait for Shank to take notice and make some cheesy wordplay between the two Birds. Of course, that would require Shank to actually watch a few games.

Is Correlation Causation?

With respect to certain columns written by Shank, it sure as hell is. His last column concerning the Red Sox was after David Price got shelled in a 11-0 loss to the New York Yankees. Since then, the Red Sox have reeled off four straight wins. Anyone else notice a lack of Red Sox columns from that point to this afternoon?

DHL Dan LXXI - The Edelman Quandry

If your name is Dan Shaughnessy, there's no offseason when it comes to ragging on the New England Patriots:

Picked-up pieces while waiting for the World Cup to end so we can resume our daily lives . . .

Remember when Shank used to like World Cup soccer? Good times!

■ Julian Edelman’s four-game PED suspension has been upheld. Far be it from me to be cynical, but is anyone still wondering what he took and where he got it? Tom Brady’s shady training guru, Alex Guerrero, was quick to distance himself in the hours after Edelman’s failed test became public (Edelman is a TB12 client). In those same early days, Albert Breer of The MMQB wrote that Edelman’s positive test was “triggered by a substance that wasn’t immediately recognizable and there are scientists analyzing it.’’ The fact that we still don’t know what Edelman took (the NFL never discloses the substances in failed tests) strikes me as unfortunate and suspicious given Edelman’s status as a Guerrero client. Like it or not, the ongoing ambiguity casts suspicion and doubt on all things TB12. Maybe Edelman can take his case to court and have Fanboy Judge Richard Berman sort things out.

Rag on a Boston Celtic player while we're at it? Shank's got you covered!

...
■ When do we stop hearing rumors about Kyrie Irving going to the Knicks? Irving will not commit to Boston beyond next season. He also will not be called away to appear at the Oscars in March to celebrate the abomination that is “Uncle Drew.’’

Some people would take issue with that characterization....

And why does Shank continue to shit on former Red Sox players - because boss / owner John Henry told him to stop ragging on current Red Sox players?

■ Could David Ortiz get himself out there just a little bit more? Sandy Koufax he is not. It’s hard to turn on any device without finding Big Papi providing analysis or selling you something on the other end.

Repeat Radio

Shank was on 98.5 this morning:

Sitting in on ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. With Adam Jones and Christian Arcand. We at vacation Tomato Cans for Sports Hub.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) July 3, 2018

I listened in at 11:10; it was a rehash of his David Price columns from the past couple of days, someone mentioned Tomato Cans, and... off went the car radio.

Color Me Shocked! - II

Well, that didn't take long, did it?

NEW YORK -- It’s not Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It’s Lincoln Tunnel Syndrome.

Mercy!

David Price willingly put the bull’s-eye on his back. He teased about not being able to pitch against the Yankees because he’d played too much fortnite. He said this was going to be just another game.
And then he submitted perhaps the loudest, worst starting performance of his decorated career.

Too hot (91 degrees Sunday night)? Too cold (42 when the Yanks lit up Price in Fenway in April)? Allergies?

Without a doubt.

We know for sure now that Price is allergic to Pinstripes. He is allergic to the Bronx.

In what was billed by everyone as the most important non-playoff start in Price’s three-year career with the Red Sox, he surrendered five homers and eight runs in 3⅓ innings of a 11-1 loss to the Bombers Sunday. The Yankees vaulted back into first place and Price slinked off to Washington, spitting out pieces of his broken luck.

With the 2,000'th utterance of that little Jethro Tull lyric (an otherwise enjoyable song) in his column, time for this cat to stop reading...

Color Me Shocked!

Red Sox pitcher David Price just got lit up for four runs in the first inning against the New York Yankees, and he's not taking a major shit on him via Twitter. I reckon that's because he's furiously typing out his next column, lowering the boom on Price in his initial effort to run him out of town, like he's done with so many Red Sox players. Stay tuned!

Off The David Price Bandwagon?

Unable to rag on the Boston Red Sox for their most recent performance, Shank throws us a changeup. He has shown a strange affinity for Red Sox pitcher David Price over the past three years. It appears the shine's been taken off of that show as of the past, um, couple of Fortnites!

NEW YORK — David Price gets the ball Sunday night in New York against the Yankees.

This should be good.

Assuming Price actually makes it to the mound, it’s the most pressure-packed regular-season start of Price’s tumultuous 2½-year stint in Boston. And he owes it all to himself. Price seems to enjoy putting a bull’s-eye on his own back — an odd trait for a guy who has demonstrated aversion to pressure-packed moments. For those who haven’t heard, the much-decorated, wildly-talented Price is 0-8 with a 5.74 ERA in nine postseason starts.

Skip forward to the most recent festivities:

Roll the tape back to April 11 when Price made his only start of the year against the Bombers. He took the ball on a 42-degree night at Fenway, gave up four runs in the first inning, then came out of the game due to numbness in his pitching hand. The Sox wound up losing, 10-7. Six days later, Price took his regular turn and beat the Angels.

Then came the first “big” series in New York and the beginning of Price’s 2018 foolishness (his 2017 follies crescendoed when he verbally ambushed Dennis Eckersley on a team charter, then refused to apologize). Price was slated to pitch the second game of the first trip to the Bronx in early May. The day before Price’s scheduled start, Alex Cora casually mentioned that Price had been sent back to Boston due to more numbness in his pitching hand.

A day later, Price was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome and the Sox lost his start, 9-6. This was the day we learned that Price loves playing the online video game “Fortnite” even more than he hates Boston. After a 48-hour news cycle of speculation and medical opinion regarding the possibility that Price was hurting because of his video-game addiction, the pitcher agreed to stop playing “Fortnite” in the clubhouse.

The casual observer might ask the question - has Shank been sincere in the many previous columns where he praised / practically slobbered over price, or has this all been part of a more elaborate scheme, designed to take the mother of all craps on the goofy southpaw when the time is right?

In the 3½ fortnights since then, Price is 7-1 with a 2.72 ERA in nine starts. He gave up only three runs in the one loss. He has been dominant. He has been the pitcher the Sox thought they were buying back in the fall of 2015.

Coinciding with this success, Price has invented a sarcastic/martyr persona, perfectly demonstrating his searing hatred for the Boston Baseball Experience.

Like he needs more of a reason than 'Dan Shaughnessy' to justify that hatred.

Almost Back On The Bandwagon

Shank's pretending to like the Red Sox again, albeit with a few caveats:

NEW YORK — Things did not get off to a swell start for your Boston Red Sox in the first game of their showdown series with the Yankees on Friday.

New York’s Baby Bombers rained four homers on the heads of the Sox en route to an 8-1 victory that vaulted the Yankees back into first place (mere percentage points; it is a virtual tie) in a division race that is shaping up as one of the greatest chases in the history of the sport.

There's a brief showing of halfwit cleverness:

There is no shortage of hype for this midseason meeting — the rumble in the asphalt jungle of The Bronx. The folks from Fox will telecast the Saturday night game across the land — hello Chris Sale — and then we’ll get ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball with A-Rod and Jess Mendoza, as David Price returns to the Apple for the first time in more than 3½ fortnights.

Fortnite? Get it? I thought Shank liked Price - what gives?

Throw in a Shankism or two:

The Sox, who came into the series with a 55-27 record, presumably spent the first four innings of Friday’s loss asking one another, “Why aren’t we ahead, 9-1 yet? Is this supposed to be competitive? Why can’t we go back to playing the Angels and Orioles every day?’’

It’s always weird when the Tomato Can is in your own kitchen.

New York jumped to a 1-0 lead in the second when rookie flash Gleyber Torres smoked a leadoff triple off the center-field wall. Spiderman Jackie Bradley Jr. almost made another spectacular catch, then narrowly missed nailing Torres with a heat-seeking throw to third. A price was paid when Miguel Andujar dumped the next pitch into a no-man’s zone in shallow right-center. The ball plopped on the grass in the middle of four Sox defenders and one couldn’t help but think that Dustin Pedroia might have had a chance. Eduardo Nunez? Not so much.

Shank conveniently forgets / omits that the infield was pulled in because Torres was at third base. No one was getting that ball. He's just being dishonest in order to criticize the Sox infield / be an asshole.

Far be it from me to critique any personnel moves by the Sox, but Pearce has effectively replaced Hanley Ramirez in the Sox offense, right?

He's going to harp on that one for the rest of the season, isn't he?

And to top it all of, we have, ladies and gentleman, a Larry Bird sighting!

The roof fell in on Rodriguez in the fourth when Andujar and Greg Bird (wearing No. 33, which is not an homage to Larry)

No need to read further, folks...

Tweet Of The Week

In a semi-related development (via Kirk Minihane):

@kirkmin Oh good, just what Boston needs, a liberal media watchdog. @AlexReimer1

— BestofBSMW(@BestofBSMW) June 26, 2018

I Have At Least One Suspect

Am I off base suggesting Shank here, despite his faux outrage at the Red Sox for releasing him?

I am starting a new media column. It is very cleverly titled.

This week, I look at how Hanley Ramirez’s name has been recklessly dragged through the mud. https://t.co/x4YL8H2cIb

— Alex Reimer (@AlexReimer1) June 26, 2018

You Can't Please Everybody

Well, we sure know one man who you can't please:

Red Sox now lead angels 40-6 in 4 1/2 games this year. This is American League in 2018. Wasted time. Bring on yanks or stros.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 28, 2018

Followers let him have it, from all corners:

Tougher for you to write negative columns this year? Good.

— Steve Tannuzzo(@SteveTannuzzo) June 28, 2018

So....are you saying that instead of the NFL having an abundance of Tomato Cans, MLB is replete with Cans of Corn???

— Kevin M Flanagan (@KevinMFlanagan) June 28, 2018

It’s bad for baseball, just like UConn women’s basketball blowout wins are bad for women’s hoops?

— David Bilmes(@dbilmes) June 28, 2018

Serious question: do you enjoy anything?

— Prince Priceless (@pfunk3000) June 28, 2018

Not strong at math. Angels- 1+0+2+2 = 5 #RedSox - 10+9+8+9+6 = 42. Didn’t take that much work to figure that out.

— Marc Calnan(@MarcCalnan) June 28, 2018

Dan Shaughnessy - Wrong Again

It looks like Shank's more than eager retweet of 'bad news for Hanley Ramirez' on Friday (see previous post) was way off the mark:

After reports on Friday stated that former Red Sox infielder and current free agent Hanley Ramirez was “being eyed in connection with an ongoing federal and state investigation” that involved distribution of the opioid fentanyl, a new report from the Boston Globe says that Ramirez is not being linked to any drug ring. Ramirez’s name only came up with the investigation because a so-called friend tried to pin a box in his car with two kilograms of fentanyl on Ramirez when he was stopped by police.

Better luck next time...

Is This Why Shank Wanted The Sox To Keep Him?

Pure speculation on my part...

#HanleyRamirez, former @RedSox infielder, has some.. well, issues. Being eyed in connection with an ongoing federal and state investigation. Stay tuned.

— Michele McPhee (@MicheleMcPhee) June 22, 2018

All the better to keep taking shots at the Sox, right, Shanko?

So, Off The Jackie Bradley Jr. Bandwagon?

Is it just me or does Shank love to complain about nearly everything?

Jackie Bradley is now at .178.
Mendoza Line looking like .400.
But he has to play because, you know, if he didn't make that great throw in the 8th Tuesday the Sox would have lost, 7-2 instead of 6-2.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 21, 2018

Reader response was somewhat predictable:

You’ve been underperforming for years and the Globe still trots you out. #potcallingkettle

— Gordon Comstock (@keeptheasp) June 21, 2018

Peak CHB and I love it!

— Rogue (@BigCatBax) June 21, 2018

Love Bradley Jr...best outfielder I've ever seen (and I saw Paul Blair AND Griffey Jr.)...but he's got to hit at least .240 or so...

— Michael J. Noonan (@noons2004) June 21, 2018

Does anyone else root for him to get out every time?

— Yehuda Kovitz(@Yehuda_kovitz12) June 21, 2018

So far, it just seems to be Shank!

Mission Accomplished

Here's Britt McHenry, getting under Shank's skin:

Offending American liberals , children, and all print workers in a single missive. Well done, Britt https://t.co/opmgEWXtPk

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 21, 2018

There Goes The Bruins Neighborhood

Full disclosure - I cannot fucking stand Jack Edwards. I find him forced, way over the top most of the time and his use of the same fucking phrases over and over and fucking over nauseates me to no end ('saucer pass, D to D, over the spoked B, off the half boards and the shot's into the protective netting'). Like 'netting' just might imply 'protective', you fucking braying jackass! If I watch a Bruins game, it's either with the TV sound off or I tune 98.5 The Sports Hub and listen to their audio instead.

Now that that's off my chest, I have some really bad news for those of you who hate Edwards as much as I do:

Report: Jack Edwards signs contract extension to keep calling Bruins games https://t.co/PM8sMJg1Lw pic.twitter.com/0cKrIrKx5d

— WEEI (@WEEI) June 21, 2018

Naturally, Shank likes the move:

This is good. Love Jack Edwards https://t.co/ElBhbtCMHO

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 21, 2018

Late To The Party

Shank slaps together a few belated Father's Day stories:

I’m a tad late to the Father’s Day celebrations and commemorations, but after Alex Cora’s heartfelt dugout moment talking about his late father Sunday (Nick Cafardo captured it beautifully in his column), I wanted to cite a few of the dads who’ve impacted sports figures in our region through the years.

■ Next time you’re watching Steve Burton deliver Red Sox highlights on Channel 4, keep this story in mind.

Steve is the proud dad of four Division 1 college varsity athletes. He’s also one of five siblings, including three brothers who played football at Northwestern. Steve played at Northwestern, but his path to the Big Ten was unconventional. Steve’s dad, the late Ron Burton Sr., was an original Patriot running back in 1960 and dedicated his post-football days to helping underprivileged youngsters from the inner city.

And Now For Some Boston Globe Employee Bashing - VI

That would be Boston Globe employee Kevin Cullen, a lying bastard trying to take advantage of a tragedy to put one over on us:

The Boston Globe said Friday that it will suspend columnist Kevin Cullen without pay for three months after an examination of his work found significant problems in a series of radio interviews and some public remarks he made in the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings in 2013.

When he returns, Cullen will work as a general assignment reporter for the first two months before returning to his role as a columnist, Globe publisher John W. Henry and editor Brian McGrory wrote in a statement. Cullen will be barred from outside broadcast interviews for the first six months after his return, and subsequent appearances will be given heightened editorial scrutiny.

The Boston Globe, carrying on in that fine tradition of news and opinion fabrication, designed to sway and influence you in order to tell you what to think.

DHL Dan LXX - Off The David Price Bandwagon?

Talk about speculation! We're nearly two whole weeks away from this matchup, but that doesn't prevent Shank from casting doubt about one particular game:

David Price has come up big but we need to see him vs. Yankees, and other thoughts

Picked-up pieces while wondering if Tom Brady will jump up on the couch — Tom Cruise style — when we see his interview with Oprah . . .

Give him credit - this is a 21st century pop culture reference!

■ Let the record show that the much-maligned David Price won the two biggest games of the Red Sox season thus far. After the Sox lost the first two games of a four-game series against the Houston Astros two weeks ago, Price stopped the bleeding, winning a duel against Justin Verlander. Thursday night, when we were beginning to think the Sox can only beat the Orioles, Price beat Felix Hernandez and the first-place Mariners, 2-1. He’s 6-0 with a 2.64 ERA in his last seven starts, and the Sox have won all seven games. He has not lost since the carpal tunnel syndrome nonsense in New York. The Sox next play the Yankees in New York the weekend of June 29-July 1. We need to see Price in that series. My math (such as it is! - ed.) has him lined up for the series finale. It will be unfortunate if the Sox maneuver things to keep Price away from the Yankees.

Second guessing before the game actually takes place - now that's trolling for you!

■ I loved the late Jerome Holtzman, but he contributed to the decay of modern baseball by inventing the “save.’’ It’s an overrated stat. It’s putting Trevor Hoffman in the Hall of Fame this summer and it has produced Craig Kimbrel, who is a different pitcher in save situations vs. non-save situations. With a three-run lead, a clean ninth inning, and a cast of Orioles and Rays coming to bat, Kimbrel is one of the best pitchers who ever lived. He strikes out more than half the hitters he faces. In non-save situations, it’s a different story. Kimbrel is in his walk year. He wants saves. But Alex Cora needs to forget about the bogus soft saves and use Kimbrel to get the big outs. And Kimbrel needs to be on board with this.

It's obvious to me that some people are born to complain about damn near everything. Shank is one of those people, fortunate enough for him to get paid doing it. Read on for more bitching and moaning.

The World Cup

... is going to start (Russia vs. Saudi Arabia) in a little over an hour, and we should anticipate any manner of Shank's Hot Takes on the subject any time now.

Obsessed Much? - II

Former Boston Red Sox 1st baseman Adrian Gonzalez left the team on August 25, 2012. Five years and ten months later, Shank's still lobbing shit in his general direction:

Adrian Gonzalez, "The Cooler" ran another team into the ground and was released by the Mets -- fittingly -- after a Sunday Night Game.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 11, 2018

Remember when Shank mentioned Adrian Gonzalez in the same sentence as Ted Williams? Good times!

Second Guessing

Leave it to Shank to question the Red Sox, who currently lead the major leagues in wins:

Are the 2018 Red Sox gold medal-bound or simply fool’s gold?

Hard to tell.

The Sox just lost three of four at Fenway (selective stats? no way! - ed) to bums from Detroit and Chicago, but still have more wins than any team in baseball and are on pace for a franchise-record 108 victories. They could become only the fourth team in the Sox’ 118 years to win more than 100. The Sox’ three other 100-game winners went to the World Series and two of them won the whole thing.

Funny how this column comes out after a Red Sox loss, isn't it?

Let's You & Him Fight! - II

A public service reminder from Kirk Minihane:

I have no dog in this fight, but it’s important to note that Shaughnessy is an asshole. And I don’t think Curran drinks during Patriots games. Just saying. https://t.co/aNBtnrxa61

— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) June 9, 2018

Let's You & Him Fight!

It looks like Shank and Tom E. Curran aren't friends anymore:

Tom Curran is a client of this twice FTC fined snake oil salesman and publicly sings his praises as a health care guru and he questions Dan Shaughnessy's journalistic credentials and methods?

— Mr. O (@seospider) June 9, 2018

Curran is Edelman's business partner in a book deal. He is a client of Alex Guerrero. Reports on both. Like most in sports media he has opinions about teams he never covers in person (C's, B's, Sox). And here he lectures us on journalism. https://t.co/PuuLy9H7Iz

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 9, 2018

Dream On?

Using a theme lifted straight from Wednesday's Felger & Mazz radio show, Shank's got a thing for LeBron James, impending free agent, becoming a member of the Boston Celtics.

The nationally televised “Decision” show will be a classic. Can’t you just see it now? LeBron James and Jim Gray sitting on stools, holding microphones, making small talk. Finally, after 40 minutes of verbal foreplay, head-bobbin’ sock puppet Gray says, “Well, LeBron, what’s it going to be?’’

And the great one exhales deeply and says, “I have decided I am going to take my talents to Revere Beach.’’

Revere Beach? Really? Come on, Shank!

Just like that, the Greatest Player of All-Time announces that he will finish his career with the Boston Celtics.

It means so much. It means that LeBron will grab Frank Ramsey’s No. 23 from the rafters, Pitino-style. He’ll also reserve the rights to No. 6 (LeBron wore 6 when he won in Miami) and No. 32 (which Bron wore at St. Vincent-St. Mary High School). If Bill Russell and Kevin McHale don’t like it, too bad. The Celtics will become LeBron’s team now.

Then again, stranger things have happened.

UPDATE AT 2:40 PM - One last dig at Shank:

The silly topic is sports talk radio gold.

Yeah, like we couldn't figure out that one!

Bipolar Shank

It was a little over a week ago that Shank was shitting on the Red Sox. In a classic passive-aggressive move, Shank nostalgically waxes his carrot, pining for the glory days of Red Sox past:

pic.twitter.com/9OEMm8SqyZ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 8, 2018

On This Day Forty Years Ago

...Shank covered a basketball game:

On this date in 1978 the Washington Bullets won their only NBA Championship, beating the Sonics in Seattle. Dennis Johnson went 0-14 from the floor for the Sonics. I covered the game for the Baltimore Evening Sun. 40 years ago.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 8, 2018

Lots of 'Man, you're old' responses, and others, at the link.

Who Could Have Seen This Coming?

Earlier this afternoon, word came out that Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman's looking at a 4 game PED suspension, which he's appealing. Would you care to guess who's on this story like a fly on shit?

Julian Edelman case gives Bill Belichick more ammunition against Alex Guerrero https://t.co/qwzo7h44K4 via @BostonGlobe

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 7, 2018

Shank (three hours later) devotes a column to the matter, so now we have a general idea of how long it can take to write and flush out a Shank column. For comparative purposes, this blog post took about 40-45 minutes, including some editing and a few runs to the refrigerator for beer.

The Patriots lost one of their top offensive weapons for four games Thursday, and it was a big win for head coach Bill Belichick.

Go figure.

Julian Edelman, Tom Brady’s northern California binkie and favorite target, tested positive for PEDs and was suspended for the first four games of the 2018 season, pending appeal.

Here's the problem with this column:

But Edelman getting popped changes the narrative in Fort Foxborough because he is an Alex Guerrero guy, and now Belichick has a new weapon to use against Brady, Bob Kraft, and anyone who’ll insist that Guerrero is a legit trainer and a swell guy who should be allowed full access to the Patriots facilities at Gillette Stadium.

I don't think this needs much of a translation - Shank is saying Guerrero's doping TB12 participants, lacks the balls to say it unambiguously, and Shank is unsurprisingly milking this for all it's worth.

Let’s revisit for a moment exactly who Guerrero is. He is a guy who said he was a doctor even though he is not a doctor. He marketed a beverage of organic greens that he falsely claimed could prevent or cure cancer, heart disease, arthritis, and diabetes. He lied about receiving a bachelor’s degree in biology.

I am in agreement on this much, which I've written before - I think Guerrero's shady as hell but that is not proof that he assisted / encouraged or whatever phrasing you'd like to use that Guerrero's doping his clients. Shank's simply jumping the gun here out of sheer delight and / or the rush to get out in front of the story and / or to plant the 'Edelman's a Guerrero guy' narrative out there, hoping it takes root and watching the resulting fallout from a good, safe distance.

And I stole this quote from one of the commenters at the Globe - "And since when is Dan on BB's side?" When Dan wants to take indirect shots at Robert Kraft and / or make the organization look bad, that's when!

It's A Shame They Can't Both Lose

OK folks - who ya got?

1980 fros. Peter King (l) vs Dan Shaughnessy (me). Who wins? pic.twitter.com/mg8D6NRC53

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 6, 2018

Tuning Out

Shank's weekly borefest drones on:

On now until 1:00 with @ZoandBertrand. Lots of Tom vs. Time and Tom vs. Bill. Dan's Dates. Tune in!

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 5, 2018

I caught the first half-hour whilst enjoying the Southeast Expressway & Mass. Turnpike traffic. The first thirteen minutes was Bill Belichick's press conference and the rest of that half-hour segment was Zo and Beetle completely destroying Shank's column from yesterday, given the tone and direction of Belichick's presser. If I can find audio later on today, I'll post it.

UPDATE AT 5:47 PM - Audio is here. Shank - 'I'll have to reconfigure all my thoughts because of all the news that's just came out of there' and 'There's no punishment for not showing up for voluntary...' Hence the word VOLUNTARY!!! What a schmuck. Zo & Beetle pile on Shank from there (12:00 minute mark).

Shank Goes Into Colonel Jessup Mode Again

"You want answers?"

"I want the truth!"

Shank's a self-righteous little prick, isn't he?

Dear Tom,

What happened?

Or, as Richard Sherman once asked . . . you mad, bro?

Seriously. At what point, precisely, did you decide you like the world of Thurston Howell III more than the football world of Fuzzy Thurston? When did you make the leap from stopwatches to TAG Heuer watches? How can you possibly feel underappreciated when you work here in New England, where every sports citizen wants to throw rose petals in your path, then wash your feet and kiss your five championship rings?

I can barely stomach the rest of the column, as Shank makes it as much about himself as he does about Tom Brady, hiding behind the occasional royal 'we' to water down that angle of it.

Trolling Like A Jedi Master

Missed this little additional pile-on from yesterday:

Hanley a career .313 vs. Verlander

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 3, 2018

And these as well:

And perms went out in the 80’s.

— bob m (@uriram82) June 3, 2018

Stop talking to Tony Mazz

— DrStranglove(@milliken587) June 3, 2018

Yeah, keep a guy for two years to hit against one guy in June.

— TzimBouki(@TheOriginalBouk) June 3, 2018

You sure about that? pic.twitter.com/lPrxmVJPks

— Tim Killian (@TimKillian25) June 3, 2018

It's not like Shank to deliberately use bad numbers to make his point - that's why we have Democrats!

Can't Let It Go

Shank keeps pummeling the Boston Red Sox, who have the best or second-best record in the major leagues:

Now Pedroia joins Betts on DL. Anyone still think releasing Hanley was a good idea?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 2, 2018

Reader reaction was swift:

Why was he going to play 2b the man who replaced hit another HR last night is hitting over 300 playing GG 1b yeah no problem with DFA Hanley

— Rick Ricciardi (@robemjoshreese) June 2, 2018

Yes because he can’t play OF or 2B. You’re a smart guy, surprised you didn’t figure that out.

— The RedSox bandwagon (@josh__pransky) June 2, 2018

'You're a smart guy' - nice backhanded compliment!

Yes. He was playing below replacement level for over a year. Any decent AAA player can do what Hanley was doing.

— Joe Ranft(@jranft) June 2, 2018

Yes, Dan. There is no telling which Hanley would be available, and the count down for the option in 2019 would be an ongoing oppression. Losing Hanley was addition by subtraction, and you still get to post nonsense teases for attention. I think it is a win-win.

— Larry Doyle (@lwdoyle) June 2, 2018

DHL Dan - LXIX - Picked Up Pablum

Not content with shitting on a team with the best record in baseball (see previous post), Shank turns his sights onto other matters, which of course includes offseason criticism of the five-time super Bowl champion New England Patriots:

Picked-up pieces while pondering conflicting messages from local sports ownership . . .

■ Put me down as captain of Team Belichick in this Bill/Tom/Bob soap opera. Like everybody, I wanted to see Malcolm Butler in the Super Bowl, and Bill Belichick owes us an explanation for that, but Tom Brady’s no-show at OTAs flies in the face of everything he’s stood for during his time here.

The QB jets off to Monaco while his teammates are sweating in Foxborough? He’s “unappreciated” even after they traded his replacement? It’s outrageous. I’m betting that Brady’s cult-like attachment to a nefarious trainer will end badly for everyone.

First off - these OTA's are not mandatory. Second - not considered by Shank for even a moment - suppose you've been doing this for nearly two decades, you're married to one of the hottest women on the planet and you have a family - do you think his priorities might have changed just a wee bit?

■ Here’s a portion of Bob Kraft’s statement from last Sept. 24 when it was clear a good number of Patriots were going to protest during the national anthem in the wake of President Trump’s suggestion that owners fire protesting players: “Our players are intelligent, thoughtful, and care deeply about our community, and I support their right to peacefully affect social change and raise awareness in a manner that they feel is most important.’’

My take? If you feel that strongly about it, do it on your own time, not your employer's. How many of you would get fired on the spot if you did this on the clock? I'd say every one of you would get axed.

■ And then we have Red Sox chairman Tom Werner. While riding shotgun with principal owner John Henry (also the Globe owner) in a successful effort to have the “Yawkey” name stripped from the street that runs in front of Fenway Park (because of Tom Yawkey’s “racist legacy”), Werner at the same time chose to go back into business with known bigot Roseanne Barr.

Back in April, when I asked Werner about Barr’s incendiary Twitter history, the chairman had no comment. The same was true the night Barr famously desecrated the national anthem before a Padres home game in 1990 when Werner was managing general partner of the team. According to the Los Angeles Times, on the night of Barr’s disgraceful performance, “Werner . . . producer of Barr’s television series . . . informed the media that he would be unavailable for comment.’’

Question for Shank - do you feel the need to answer for your employer's harassment of women by higher ups in the Globe's management structure?

Reality Check?

The Boston Red Sox have been doing pretty well so far this season, with the best record in baseball. Leave it to Shank to take a piss on the team before a big series on the road against the defending champions, the Houston Astros:

Show Pony Red Sox are 39-17. Impossible to tell how good they are cuz of horrible level of competition. Let's see how they do with 'Stros, Tribe and Yanks in October. Until then, all this means nothing.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 30, 2018

I'm so glad that this guy's figured out Shank is an asshole:

the Astros have had an easier schedule than the Red Sox and Boston's schedule has been similar to the Yankees. pic.twitter.com/U0yfW8p6MP

— Jared Carrabis(@Jared_Carrabis) May 30, 2018

Don't confuse Shank with advanced stats!

Same schtickfor CHB. Rinse, repeat

— Jim S (@3Bronco) May 30, 2018

So the individual performances of JD, Mookie, Benny (recently), Kelly, Kimbrel, Sale, Price (recently) mean nothing?

— MATTV (@mattvit17) May 30, 2018

You’re the reason I canceled my subscription to the Globe. You’re a downer.

— Timothy Tim (@timbosox) May 30, 2018

The tribe are 4 games over .500...

— Brandon Silber (@brandon_silber) May 30, 2018

You get the drift of it by now...

Guilt By Association / Under The Bus

After all he's done for Shank (or more precisely, Shank's daughter):

Then the Red Sox supposedly bought him off. Part owner Tom Werner gave Shaughnessy's daughter an internship with his Hollywood production company (this has never been denied or refuted by Shaughnessy or the Boston Globe). Now Shaughnessy skips down Landsdown Street singing the Barney "I love you - you love me" song when it comes to anything to do with the Red Sox.

...this is how Shank repays Tom Werner, co-owner of the Boston Red Sox:

From April 8 Boston Globe pic.twitter.com/d9GkR997Tc

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 29, 2018

Roseanne Barr is a freaking lunatic.

I'll make one other note - isn't it funny that liberals can call conservatives every name in the book as well as physically threaten / shooting them, but they get the vapors when the tables are turned, and in this case a mere tweet.

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - IV

This is the Celtics in Game 7 https://t.co/bo2Ul5NM8Z

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 28, 2018

@Dan_Shaughnessy pic.twitter.com/CELtGY4RIO

— Chris (@ChrisDimwit) May 28, 2018

It Must Be Memorial Day

...when the regular talent at 98.5 FM - The Sports Hub needs to resort to an alternative lineup:

On 98.5 FM SportsHub now from 8-12 with Ryan Johnston and Sean Sylver talking much Celtics. I am wildly disappointed. Are you?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 28, 2018

Four entire hours of Shank?

Rooting For A Loss - II

The Boston Celtics lost Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals last night, and since a local team lost the game, Shank whips up a column about it:

In the end, the young Celtics looked . . . young. They got tight. They couldn’t put the staggering Cavaliers to bed. They couldn’t stop the indomitable LeBron James. And then they collapsed altogether.

“We just had one of those nights,’’ Celtic coach Brad Stevens said after the Celts dropped an 87-79 Game 7 to the Cleveland Cavaliers at TD Garden on Sunday. “. . . the pain is part of the path.’’

Ooooh. The pain.

We are not supposed to be disappointed. This was a “house money” series. The Celtics never expected to get this far after they lost Gordon Hayward and Kyrie Irving during the regular season. But then they advanced to the conference finals. And then they took 2-0 and 3-2 series leads and looked significantly better than the Cavs. Finally, most painfully, they took a 12-point lead in Game Seven on their own court.

You get the sense that Shank would like to take a steaming dump on the Celtics, but somehow reality gets in the way.

Rooting For A Loss

Shank on the Boston Red Sox ace pitcher:

Evidently, the way to beat Chris Sale is to throw a no hitter at the Red Sox on the day he pitches

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 27, 2018

The Departed

Shank doesn't like the imminent release of Hanley Ramirez:

The Red Sox dumped first baseman Hanley Ramirez Friday.

The move is being applauded by analytics geeks, luxury-tax toadies, and swing-path savants who permeate and pollute the game of baseball in 2018.

Swell.

I hate it. This move makes the Red Sox worse and less interesting. And it takes away the only proven clutch postseason hitter on a team that needs to prove itself in October. It sucks the color and cockiness out of the clubhouse. It takes away a big threat against lefthanded pitching. It subtracts a goofy, often-full-of-beans talent from a clubhouse peppered with millennial softies who routinely dance on the heads of the no-talent Orioles and Rays in May but have been zeros in October.

I think this is a case of Shank being contrarian just to be contrarian, but he does make a few good points.

Trippin'

That's the only explanation I have for Shank's latest column.

It was long past midnight and I was in a pretty deep sleep when I smelled the cigar smoke wafting out of my cluttered office on the second floor of my house. Somewhat alarmed, I rubbed my eyes and tiptoed into the dark room, where I could see the shady outline of a short, bald man sitting in the raggedy old brown chair that my dad loved.

The orange glow at the tip of his familiar-smelling Hoyo de Monterrey was the only light in the room.

“Is that you, Red?’’ I asked as I took a seat in the darkness, across the room from him.

“You’re damn right it is,’’ he said. “I had to come back to tell somebody how much I like this team. And you’re one of the only guys I remember who’s still around.’’

“Thanks, Red,’’ I said. “I’m honored. We miss having you around, but this has been a fun bunch and fans really love them.’’

Fortunately, these types of columns are few & far between.

Simply The Best?

Shank makes his declaration:

CLEVELAND — LeBron James is the best basketball player of all time.

Wilt Chamberlain is second.

Michael Jordan is third.

There. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

This is just the opinion of one man who’s seen all the NBA stars who’ve played since 1962. I understand that GOAT discussions, like Mount Rushmore arguments, are a little tired these days, and much of the debate depends on how one frames the argument (estimable colleague Bob Ryan chooses to eliminate old-time centers from the discussion). So I’ll just tell you that LeBron is the best I have seen and this does not come lightly from one who grew up in a small New England town during an era when the Celtics were champions every spring.

I started to wonder what motivated Shank to write two columns on a Sunday, then I realized he's in Cleveland...

Blown Out

The Boston Celtics lost by thirty points last night, so you know what that means:

CLEVELAND — It was all going a little too smoothly.

The Celtics beat the Cavaliers in Games 1 and 2 of the conference finals last week and the NBA’s schedule-maker gave them almost four full days to read and hear about how great they were . . . and how the Cavaliers were finished . . . and how the Celtics were bound to meet the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals.

It was a little bit much, no? Brad Stevens was prematurely anointed Coach of the Century, Jayson Tatum was the new Paul Pierce, and Marcus Smart was suddenly the best Celtic to come off the bench since John Havlicek in the mid-1960s.

Note that Shank's applying his patented technique here - build up a local team beyond all reasonable expectations so you can gloat for much longer when the team inevitably fails to meet those unreasonable expectations:

Back in the artificially-loud comfort of Quicken Loans Arena, the still-proud Cavaliers ran the young Celtics off the floor in the first quarter and made this a legitimate series with a wire-to-wire, 116-86, Game 3 victory. There was no beating King James (27 points, 12 assists) at home on the same day as a Royal Wedding. The Celtics played like a bunch of guys who got out of bed too early to watch the nuptials across the pond. They were the Carson Smith Five.

What's Red Sox pitcher Carson Smith's doing in this article? Shank gets to shit on him too!

Pushing The Panic Button?

Unable to raise doubt about the Boston Celtics after a solid Game 2 victory, the Globe's answer to the Eye of Sauron sets his sights back on the Boston Red Sox:

I just asked Carson Smith if he could set record straight to what he meant in regards to being used a lot and told him how Cora was asked today on @DaleKeefeWEEI about whether he might be blaming Cora for overuse. He said he had “no comment.” added, “I’ve said what I need to say”

— Christopher Smith (@SmittyOnMLB) May 16, 2018

Pathetic. These Sox starting to look/sound like 2017 team and that is not good. https://t.co/D4X8ZcnrXX

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 16, 2018

All the more columns you can write to rag on them, Danno - think of it as an opportunity, not a problem!

That's Why They Play Seven Games

Following an excellent Game 1 win over the Cleveland Cavaliers by the Celtics, Shank tells everybody to calm down:

It would be good at this moment for Celtic fans to take a deep breath and pump the brakes on plans to travel west for the NBA Finals.

I’m not saying it won’t happen, but the past teaches us that it would be best to wait a few more games before buying plane tickets to San Francisco or Houston.

The upstart Celtics shocked the basketball world, thrashing Team LeBron, 108-83, in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Sunday afternoon at the Garden.

Decent column, actually.

The End Of Times

Padding his resume, Shank does (what we believe) is his first commencement speech:

Commencement speaker @Dan_Shaughnessy talking about the importance of “doing your homework” throughout life. #SNHU2018 pic.twitter.com/rIT6FBtQug

— SNHU On Campus (@SNHUOnCampus) May 12, 2018

For those of you who may be interested in the subject, Southern New Hampshire University used to be New Hampshire College.

Shank Wins An Award!

Well, it's an award of dubious merit - Awful Announcing's Hottest Take of the Week:

1. Dan Shaughnessy blames Red Sox issues on Yawkey Way renaming and David Price’s love of Fortnite: Crotchety Boston Globe columnist Shaughnessy pulled a two-for this week in finding unusual suspects for the Red Sox’s problems, first going after them for petitioning the city to rename Yawkey Way (a controversial name given former Red Sox owner Tom Yawkey’s history on keeping his team segregated) and then saying pitcher David Price’s love of video games led to his hand injury:

It Would Be The First One

Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer must not be familiar with Shank's 'work':

Hall of Fame article from Dangerous Dan https://t.co/XNl5njZRX5

— Jim Palmer (@Jim22Palmer) May 10, 2018

Be Still, My Beating Heart

Shank's gonna be on with Zolak & Bertrand (98.5, The Sports Hub) in about ten minutes. $10 says he leads off by regurgitation of his last two columns.

The One Where Shank Finally Turns On David Price?

Taking a cue from yesterday's Felger & Mazz radio show, Shank piles on Red Sox pitcher David Price.

NEW YORK — Carpal tunnel syndrome.

David Price missed his start in New York on Wednesday night — the biggest game of the year thus far in this stellar Sox season — because of carpal tunnel syndrome.

And not only that. According to the Red Sox, Price is suffering from minor carpal tunnel syndrome.

Could things get any more hideous for Boston’s $217 million starter? Price is forever walking around Fenway with a target on his back because of his salary, his playoff history, his Dennis Eckersley ambush, and all the other quotes and stunts that indicate he is ill-equipped for Boston baseball. And now he misses a start in New York because of a condition that possibly was brought on by playing too many video games?

DHL Dan LVXIII - Sox / Yankees

This column, variants of which have been written well over a hundred times by Shank, appears once again which gives off a strong, unmistakable vibe that this one was mailed in.

NEW YORK — The Red Sox and Yankees at this hour are the two best teams in baseball. They have the most stars and the most history.

The torch is passed. From Joe and Ted, to Thurman and Carlton, to Derek and Nomar . . . to Didi and Mookie.

See what I mean?

And they are tied for first place with identical 25-10 records in the wake of Tuesday’s 3-2 Yankees victory in the Bronx. It was New York’s 16th win in 17 games. The Yanks have made up 7½ games in the AL East standings since April 20.

Time To Worry?

The Celtics lost last night, but Shank sez 'Don't worry, be happy!'

PHILADELPHIA — Back in Boston this game will be reviewed as a mere annoyance — an unnecessary extension of a series that inevitably will be won by the Celtics. And the zebras will inspire the full fury of Tommy Heinsohn and Green Team Nation.

Here in Philly, it’s a different story. Folks in this esteemed hoop town are thinking their team can do what no NBA team has done in 129 previous tries. They think the down-and-almost-out Sixers can win four straight against the Celtics and advance to the Eastern Conference finals.

The Sixers beat the Celtics, 103-92, in Game 4 Monday to extend this series and force a Game 5 Wednesday in Boston. Demonstrating an amazing level of sophistication, and appropriate chagrin, the Philadelphia folks did not drop confetti after beating the Celts.

It's Official - Shank's On The Celtics Bandwagon

Sure took him long enough, didn't it?

PHILADELPHIA — Confetti flew from the ceiling of Wells Fargo Center at the end of regulation.

That’s how certain it was that the Celtics were going to lose.

It reminded me of the night Red Auerbach noticed balloons ready to be dropped from the rafters of the Los Angeles Forum before a Celtic-Laker Game 7 featuring Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell. Red made sure the Celtics knew of the Lakers’ celebration plans and the Celtics, of course, deflated the Lakers, then mocked the balloons.

And since he's on the bandwagon, Shank wonders:

Maybe it will take LeBron to stop the Celtics. Or maybe the Green Team can make it all the way to Oakland for a showdown with the World Champion Warriors.

No matter what, it’s going to be a fun ride.

The Two Extremes

It's been well documented (here and elsewhere) that Shank likes to lay it on thick on occasion, both when burying a local athlete / sports team and when he praises them. Here's an example of the latter.

Brad Stevens spends the better part of every home game standing just a few feet from the Red Auerbach signature stenciled into the Garden’s parquet floor.

Red would enjoy that. He’d take a puff on his Hoyo de Monterrey double corona, sit back in his seat, and say, “You know, this kid we got coaching us is pretty damn good.’’

Indeed. Maybe Brad Stevens can bring Amazon to Boston. Maybe he can figure out a way to eliminate all rush-hour traffic. Maybe he can fix David Price and make everything good again between Bill Belichick and Tom Brady.

The man can do anything. Just look at what he is doing to the Philadelphia 76ers.

Correlation Is Not Causation

Another hot (read - stupid) take from Shank:

Since the day city voted to take remove Yawkey Way from in front of Fenway, Sox are 3-4 and first place lead has gone from four games to one game. Just sayin'.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 4, 2018

If there's blame to go around, I think Shank bears some responsibility here - he was one of the clowns pushing it!

Just Like The Old Days

Is Shank having a flashback?

Boston-Philadelphia. Basketball wars.

The Celtics are playing the Philadelphia 76ers in the second round of the NBA playoffs and it is a renewal of hostilities that goes back 60 years. This is the 20th postseason meeting between Boston and Philadelphia. It is as close to Red Sox-Yankees as you are going to get in any Celtic spring.

In one of their more impressive wins of the season, the undermanned Celtics (no Jaylen Brown, no Kyrie Irving, no Gordon Hayward, no Malcolm Butler) thrashed the white-hot Sixers, 117-101, in a 48-minute Game 1 frenzy that honored six decades of playoffs featuring the Colonial rivals.

It’s odd that this is only the third time the cities have dueled in the NBA tournament in the last 33 years. Celtic fans of a certain age remember when it seemed like Boston and Philly jousted in the playoffs every spring.

That's where Shank tears open the time capsule. That part is interesting, mostly because we don't read about it often from Shank or anyone else.

Let The Whining Commence!

With Shank saving his powder until the Bruins or Celtics lose ugly or lose a series, he picks up on this possible out of context quote from Patriots quarterback Tom Brady:

Tom Brady was asked today at the Milken Institute Global Conference if he feels appreciated by the Patriots. His response: "I plead the 5th..." pic.twitter.com/8Tl6k5emj9

— Tom E. Curran (@tomecurran) May 1, 2018

Naturally, Shank weighs in:

Anybody else tired of this cryptic whining? https://t.co/4R75lsskzl

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 1, 2018

...and shots are fired!

Or tired of fake news from papers

— Scott Zolak(@scottzolak) May 1, 2018

Or tired of the one trick pony #shank

— Chris Reed (@reedsox13) May 1, 2018

The Kids Are All Right

After a week off, Shank's unable to bury any local sports teams and finally figures out something to write about:

A couple of them can’t buy a beer in Boston and all of them get carded regularly. Renting a car can be a hassle because — according to their birth certificates — they are high risk. None of them needs to shave every day and they listen to their parents. A lot.

Three are American-born, one hails from Canada, one from the Czech Republic, and another from the Dominican Republic.

They are David Pastrnak, Jake DeBrusk, and Charlie McAvoy of the Bruins, Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown of the Celtics, and Rafael Devers of the Red Sox. They represent the greatest collection of 21-and-under talents ever to play simultaneously for any North American sports city. They are the Boston sports baby boomers of 2018; prodigies almost on a par with Mozart, Bobby Fischer, and Mark Zuckerberg.

You know the drill - standard athlete / game recaps follow.

What Gives?

Three Boston sports teams were in action yesterday. The Bruins & Celtics both won while the Red Sox lost, giving Shank a chance to rag on the latter. Is it laziness, or is he just on vacation?

No Game 7 Bruins Column?

If you think about it, it's not much of a surprise, because the Bruins didn't lose the game.

Never Let Bad News Go To Waste

The Boston Celtics lost Game 4 of their series with the Milwaukee Bucks, and Shank is there with a shovel to start burying them.

MILWAUKEE — Color me shocked. In this awesome April of Boston sports dominance, all of our teams went off script in a wicked 18-hour stretch from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon.

The Bruins were set to eliminate the Toronto Maple Leafs in their first-round series at the Garden late Saturday, but fell behind, 4-1, and couldn’t finish their dramatic comeback. Moments later, while most of you were sleeping, the 17-2 Red Sox were no-hit on the West Coast by an Oakland A’s lefthander named Sean Manaea.

And just after Sunday brunch here in Brew-town, the Celtics fell behind by 20, roared back to a late-game lead, but fell to the Milwaukee Bucks, 104-102, when Marcus Morris’s 18-footer clanged off the back of the rim just before the buzzer. The loss erased Boston’s series lead and sent the Celts back to the Hub tied at 2-2.

Desperation II - A Pattern Emerges

How predictable is Shank? This predictable - on the current Boston Bruins playoff season, Shank doesn't write a column about them until their first loss, ignoring their first two wins in which the aggregate score was 12 to 4.

The Boston Celtics won their first two games, in which Shank declined to write about them. They lost last night, and they lost fairly bad. Naturally, Shank's got the goods when they lose.

MILWAUKEE — It took 50 seasons, but the forever-mediocre, traditionally boring, never-stylish Milwaukee Bucks are finally almost NBA chic. They are on the threshold of fashionable. They might even become a destination. And they certainly think they have what it takes to knock the young, injury-riddled Celtics out of the playoffs.

The Bucks gored the Celtics, 116-92, at the Bradley Center Friday night and have a chance to tie this best-of-seven joust with another win at home Sunday afternoon.

Star power?

The Bucks finally have some. Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick sat courtside for Friday’s rout. As power couples go, they may not be Tom & Gisele, or Beyoncé & Jay-Z, but they are a pretty big deal here in Milwaukee. Rodgers’s presence at the game was more than window dressing. He was at the Bradley Center to announce that he has joined Wes Edens and the Bucks’ smart, young ownership group.

And Now For Some Boston Globe Employee Bashing - V

Earlier in the week, we had a Tuesday column by Nick Cafardo that had the audacity to compare Red Sox outfielder Mookie Betts to Angels outfielder Mike Trout. At the time, it faced a decent amount of ridicule, but by the time that series was over, the notion did not seem so ridiculous. Kudos to Cafardo for handling the bashing during the week!

And then there was Kevin Cullen, who stands accused of 'pulling a Barnicle' and fabricating parts of a story from the Boston Marathon bombing five years ago and is currently suspended. The current environment in the newspaper industry is shaky; I'll go out on a limb and say he gets shitcanned within the week.

Rare As A Diamond

Here's something you won't see again for a while - Shank writing a positive story on the Boston Bruins!

TORONTO — You’ve got to love the Li’l Ball O’ Hate.

Playing without star linemate Patrice Bergeron (late scratch, upper-body injury), Brad Marchand broke a 1-1 tie with a goal late in the second period and paced the Bruins to a 3-1 Game 4 victory at Air Canada Centre Thursday night. The Bruins lead the series, 3-1, and will have a chance to close it out Saturday night at the New Garden.

Boston’s diminutive Puck Provocateur invariably stands tall in the big moments. On a night when the Bruins didn’t have much jump, Marchand put them ahead and made everybody forget that they got outplayed in the first period.

The standard game recap & player quotes follows this section. In that sense, you have seen this before, many times!

Bonus - Larry Bird Watch!

In a weird way, Marchand reminds me a little of Larry Bird. Larry Legend was a foot taller and far more dominant, but both are vintage trash-talkers who save their best stuff for in-game interactions. Like Marchand, Larry didn’t do a ton of talking off the court, but he was in the ear of his opponents on a nightly basis.

What's a hockey column without a comparison to a basketball legend? It just wouldn't be the same...

Admitting The Obvious

Shank occasionally engages in self-reflection:

TORONTO — Some of the stuff I write on these pages doesn’t age particularly well.

Watching free agent-to-be Pablo Sandoval at the 2014 World Series, it was easy to urge the Red Sox to sign the Panda immediately. It was a perfect fit. No doubt. After all these years, you know the goods when you see it.

More recently, I anointed the Patriots Super Bowl champs a few days before the game was actually played. There was, after all, no way that Bill Belichick and Tom Brady were going to lose to a team coached by Doug Pederson and quarterbacked by Nick Foles. The Eagles simply had no chance.

In this spirit, I approached Bruins president Cam Neely at the Air Canada Centre during practice Wednesday to give him a chance to mock me in the wake of my preseason September column about the Bruins’ fourth-place ranking in our local sports market.

Read on if you like how Shank's bad column ideas come to the fore.

Desperation

The hockey playoffs have started.  The Bruins win the first two games by an aggregate score of 12 to 4. No columns from Shank on the first two games.

A game 3 loss by the Bruins? You bet your ass he's doing a column!

TORONTO — We know the Toronto Maple Leafs. We know their fans. We know what it’s like to care about a team that never wins.

Because we WERE them.

Not too long ago.

Remember?

One thing we can all appreciate about Shank - he sure loves to remind us of things we may have forgotten:

The Leafs beat the Bruins, 4-2, at the Air Canada Centre on Monday night to close the gap to 2-1 in their first-round playoff series with the Bruins. By any measure, it was a must-win game for a team that has been in must-lose mode for more than a half century.

The Leafs of today are the pre-2004 Red Sox. They have fans that care about the team as much as they care about their own families. They have a 51-year championship drought. They suffered one of the most hideous losses in hockey history in Boston five years ago when they blew a three-goal lead in the third period of a seventh game against the Bruins. They were the Toronto Leaf Blowers. It remains their Bill Buckner/Bucky Dent moment.

And in the end, comparisons to Bill Buckner & Bucky Dent are always the yardsticks deployed by Shank when measuring failure.

The Shaughnessy Compilation

I've been away for a week or so (hospital stay) since Shank massively overreacted to the Red Sox' first loss of the season; goes on to laments a 5-1 record as "fool's gold" in the next article five days later; starts to pretend like them a day after that; does a Teddy Ballgame / Red Sox themed Picked Up Pieces column; really, really likes the Red Sox (or so we're led to believe) after a win over the New York Yankees, digs this new offshoot of the game they call basebrawl; then declares the remaining Red Sox-Yankees series as a good omen, presumably for the rest of the season.

In retrospect, it looks better to present Shank's ever shifting opinion of the Red Sox in this manner as it demonstrates the complete overreaction after the first loss. Had the Red Sox went on to tailspin over the past few weeks, he'd pile on and steal more negative themes from Michael Felger & Tony Massarotti. It's the classic path to potentially having it both ways.