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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Uh-oh, it's almost football season

Sorry I'm late on this one; I don't usually read any part of the Globe except for the Red Sox part of the site. Thanks to the commenter who alerted me to look deeper.

Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???!!!!

OK, I couldn't resist. For the first time in awhile, Dan drones on about the Patriots. Get ready for the shocking revelation: The Patriots failed to win the Super Bowl this year! Oh my God!
The last time we saw the New England Patriots on television was eight months ago when they were thrashed by the Denver Broncos, 27-13, in their second playoff game of the 2005 season. The loss snapped an NFL record 10-game winning streak in the playoffs and humbled Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the rest of Patriot Nation.

It was somewhat shocking. Undefeated playoff performer Tom Brady threw two interceptions. Troy Brown fumbled. The Patriots turned the ball over five times and Adam Vinatieri missed a 43-yard field goal attempt.

Eight months later, Vinatieri is gone, Willie McGinest is gone, Super Bowl XXXIX MVP Deion Branch is holding out, and Tedy Bruschi is recovering from wrist surgery as the Patriots return to the field tonight (8, Channel 4) at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta in their 2006 exhibition opener.

This whole section definitely needs to be reprinted. A ton of times, in fact. It's incredibly insightful, and it can't be repeated enough.

Actually, it can. Are we writing a column or pasting in some AP recaps and using the AutoSummarize function to give us 3 worthless paragraphs? Anybody who would bother to read this part of the paper knows this stuff already.
The timing is perfect. When the Patriots folded in January, we noted ``pitchers and catchers report Feb. 18," and now the Patriots are kicking off at the same time the Red Sox are free falling in the American League East. There must be a sports god.
The timing was perfect because the Pats' season ended and over a month later, spring training kind of started for the Red Sox? Yeah, that 5-week dead period is just great timing. Also, during that period, about 75% percent of Boston didn't really give a shit about the Patriots, because they were too busy fretting about the clusterf*ck in the Red Sox front office.

And I don't see how any of his statements offer any evidence that there is a "sports god."
Come to think of it, Tom was drafted as a catcher by the Expos when he was in high school -- think he could spell Javy Lopez when the Yankees come to town?
I know this is a joke. And it's retarded, so I'm going to pick on it. Tom Brady just turned 29 and hasn't played catcher since he was 17. This is such a dumb idea that it doesn't even merit joking about. If we're going to make stupid attempts at humor like this, why don't we suggest that Jed Hoyer be placed on the 25-man roster? He's in 3 spots on this records page, after all.

Oops, I did 20 seconds of research based on a little bit of background knowledge. That isn't allowed. My apologies.

``This is a chance for us to see where we're at," said Brady. ``It's one thing to do everything in practice, but we always want to start up against other opponents."

``This will be the first time putting on the pads since Denver," added All-Pro defensive lineman Richard Seymour. ``It's definitely a little different. It's a new season now, everyone's 0-0. That's the good part. We have another opportunity to do some great things this season. Hopefully, we can get it down this time."

These are really informative. To recap: they're going to play against other players while wearing uniforms, which is not the same as practice, but the games don't count, although they hope it'll be good mojo for later. Got it? It's pretty complicated. Read it a few times, it'll come to you.
For those who think we exaggerate the Patriots' paranoia/self-importance, check out the Patriots' doorstop, 500-page ``media guide"; try to find out what happened to Rodney Harrison last year. Harrison's six-page bio contains no information regarding the three knee ligaments he tore in Pittsburgh last September. It read, ``placed on injured reserve (9/25/05) and Pittsburgh (9/25) Started at safety . . . collected one tackle before leaving the game in the first quarter." This would be like reading a summary of Tony Conigliaro's 1967 season and finding, ``Hit 20 homers through Aug. 18, then spent the rest of the season on the disabled list after facing Jack Hamilton in a victory over the Angels."
The Red Sox media guide is 660 pages. Just FYI (I own one; Charles Steinberg has hands-down the shittiest picture in there. It makes him look like an orange man with 3 chins).

Also, since when is Rodney Harrison's injury at all comparable to Tony Conigliaro's? We have yet to see if Harrison will come back as a mere shell of his former self. Only when that happens can this comparison be made.
The Dome supplies climate control that hasn't been available in Foxborough.
Ooh. Zing. Robert Kraft was PWN3D!!!!!!!

Go ahead and return to old Foxboro Stadium, Dan. You'll be crying for the non-climate-controlled Gillette Stadium (it's still that, right? I get confused by all these mergers) in no time.
Meanwhile, Kevin Faulk is still chugging along and should get some carries.
What an utterly moronic, meaningless piece of analysis. Essentially, "Kevin Faulk is still on the roster." OK, thanks for that.
Brady backup Matt Cassel no doubt will be making many of the throws.
Why? Patriots backup quarterbacks have, over the last few years, gotten almost NO playing time Is Brady going to get hurt? Is every game going to be a blowout? I don't think Matt Cassel will get many of the throws at all. I think he'll get almost none.
Harrison, returning from surgery on his left knee (don't check the media guide if you want to know how that happened), is unlikely to play.
Call me crazy, but I'm going to guess that the Patriots are assuming here that their fans are able to read something other than the media guide to get their news. This really isn't that onerous, Dan. It's called Google, or maybe watching the game where it happened and having some kind of memory.
And a time for New England sports fans to look away from the reeling Red Sox for a night.
Does anybody really think that a significant number of fans are going to turn off an August Red Sox game for a meaningless, stupid Patriots preseason game? Come on, now.

4 comments:

fadedredsoxhat said...

Hopefully, CHB won't write about the Red Sox for the rest of the season since he thinks it is all over for them.

fadedredsoxhat said...

Henry Accuses Dan Shaughnessy of Stealing Silverware

Thats the latest story on the very funny Red Sox parody site, Call of the Green Monster.

http://callofthegreenmonster.typepad.com/

Monkeesfan said...

Boy, this was terrible even by Shank standards. And Ordway and Felgie delighted in ripping the hypocrisies involved in Shank's whining about the Patriots. Shank whines about the Patriots' 500-page media guide, and neglects to mention the 60-plus pages of the Red Sox media guide.

Shank must be insanely jealous of the Patriots.

ObjectiveBruce said...

>I don't think Matt Cassel will get many of the throws at all


PASSING ATT CMP YDS
M.Cassel 26 13 229
T.Brady 4 3 24

Tee-hee.