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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Robbery!

Apparently, when Dan was at John Henry's mansion last week, he did a little more than suck some of the man's soul out with his mere presence. He also stole Henry's silverware.* No motive was given, but sources tell me that it was out of the goodness of Dan's heart, as he wanted to give a little something to Theo Epstein's wedding registry, and a pipe bomb seemed too ostentatious.** The Globe undertook it as a public service to publish half of said registry on their website today, thus fulfilling their dual function as a Boston newspaper: publishing creepy stalkerish stories that violate the privacy of public figures on many levels, and boosting the regional economy by ensuring that approximately 400 linen napkins/creme brulee sets/fritatta pans are purchased as gifts by asstard Red Sox fans. These will have to be sent to 4 Yawkey Way (Boston, MA 02215, for those of you who need it), as in a shocking omission of reportage, the Globe failed to publish Epstein's home address. For shame. Now how will Dan know where to take John Henry's forks?

*Note to lawyers: He didn't really steal anything. Don't sue me. Thanks.
**Note to lawyers: This is a joke.

3 comments:

ObjectiveBruce said...

The silverware piece was pretty clever. I would, however, caution against hatred for the Globe coloring reaction to the gossip piece about Theo's wedding registry; el Globbo's gossipists beat the Track on this one, and be assured that if the ever-shameless Track gals though of it first, they would have printed it, but if they had, rather than The Globe, it would have been amusing, not fodder for more cheap shots from the cheap seats.

When did the Globe ever publish the home address of a public figure and when did the Globe publish "creepy stalkerish stories that violate the privacy of public figures on many levels."

And what does the term "asstard" mean and why would anyone use such a word in a publicly posted writing? Are you that inarticulate?

That being said, after noticing the Sox address in this post, I think a campaign ought to be started to return the street name to Jersey St. Yawkey Way hits me like Hitler Boulevard or the George Wallace Elementary School, .

fadedredsoxhat said...

Bruce, we agree! The so-called Yawkey Legacy is NOTHING to be proud of.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what's more pathetic about OB's post, here ...

1. That he's bragging the Globe is scooping the Herald's gossip column.

2. That the Globe has sunk so far that Globe employees feel compelled to brag about scooping the Herald's gossip column.

3. That after pointing out the Globe scooped the Herald, he went on to trash the Herald's gossip columnists, which would seem to make scooping them an even more shallow victory.