Nobody's Favorite

That's how Shank describes the 2012 Red Sox and their chances of winning anything this year, weaving this thought into an interview with Kevin Youlkilis.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - After years of being overrated, the Red Sox might be going the other way this season. One year after a spring peppered with talk of 100 wins and BEST TEAM EVER, (which Shank helped to hype - ed.) the Sox are nobody’s favorite to win the 2012 World Series. Sports Illustrated (where he used to write additional columns before he apparently got shitcanned and his name recently removed from the dropdown list of available CNN / SI writers - ed.) picks the Sox to finish third in the American League East. Some of us might even go lower.

Shank tries to get personal with Youk:

I had one more question for Youkilis. Has it occurred to him that someday soon he will be the brother-in-law of Gisele Bundchen - just as Sox center fielder Dominic DiMaggio was once the brother-in-law of Marilyn Monroe?

“Where are you going with this?’’ asked Youk. “Can’t we go back to talking about Tito and baseball?’’

OK. Opening Day is Thursday in Detroit. Look for Kevin Youkilis at third base, batting cleanup.

Look for Shank's next column at www.sportsillustrated.com. Not!

The Gang's All Here

Something tells me Shank's been waiting to write this column for years...

FORT MYERS, Fla. - It’s true. I checked. (first time this year! - ed.) As part of Fenway Park’s 100th anniversary celebration (have you heard about it, by chance?), the Red Sox are inviting everyone who ever wore a Sox uniform back for the April 20 ballpark-palooza.

Red Sox vice president/emeritus and team historian Dick Bresciani, who has been working in the Fenway offices since 1972, confirmed this week that the Sox are trying to bring everybody back. It’s all-inclusive.

“We’re inviting all the ones we have addresses for,’’ said Bresciani. “It’s a list of about 500 ballplayers, coaches, and managers.’’

And the possibilities are endless.

...

“He was an All-Star center fielder in his first year with the Red Sox. A switch-hitter with power from both sides of the plate, he scared the hell out of teammates, umpires, and media members. He head-butted Ron Kulpa, rolled on the clubhouse carpet with Darren Lewis, and told Joe Kerrigan to [expletive] off. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for ‘Jurassic’ Carl Everett!’’

“He was brought on board by Dan Duquette to replace Mo Vaughn. He was an All-Star in his first season with the Sox and later made a name for himself by assaulting another player with a bat. Let’s hear it for ‘meaner-than-a-junkyard-dog’ Jose Offerman.’’

“He was perhaps the biggest nitwit ever to play for the local nine, a guy who knocked a home run over the wall with his head. He’ll live forever as baseball’s Face of Steroids, please say hello to Jose Canseco!’’

Nice, entertaining column by Shank; has he used up his quota of these columns already this year?

Going Down

The Red Sox made some roster moves yesterday, including sending shortstop Jose Iglesias to the minors. Our Man Shank is on the scene:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine came out of his office and poked his head into the Red Sox clubhouse at 9:13 Tuesday morning. The manager was looking for 22-year-old shortstop Jose Iglesias.

Time for a meeting.

In the NFL, they tell you, “Bring your playbook.’’

One minor quibble:

The demotion of Iglesias means that 31-year-old veteran Mike Aviles will open the season at shortstop for the Red Sox. The Aviles vs. Iglesias competition provided abundant speculation throughout the first five weeks of spring training.

And Shank didn't write a single god damned word about it for five weeks. Until now. Not that I'm saying he's lazy or anything...

Catching Up

... on a two week absence, Shank interviews Red Sox pitcher John Lackey, out for the 2012 season with an elbow injury. A pretty good column ensues; "chicken and beer" is, of course, mentioned, and we get a timely and accurate quote from Lackey:

I reminded him that he used to be a go-to guy for the media in Orange County.

“Nothing positive ever comes out of saying anything here,’’ he said.

Or to Shank - I hope John Lackey remembers that.

Where's Waldo Shank?

The Boston Globe's only remaining (alleged) full-time columnist has now been absent for an entire fortnight. The other Globe columnist, Bob Ryan, having announced his retirement five weeks ago, might be expected to coast into retirement. Instead, he has submitted five more columns just in the past week alone than has Our Man Shank.

Did the last two weeks in the baking Florida sun take all the piss out of him? Clearly, Shank is not being paid by the word.

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - VIII

I think it was Foucault who once famously said, "The Boston Globe ain't going anywhere".

Well, going south is going somewhere, isn't it?

The headlines about the US newspaper industry have never been so bleak.

In recent weeks, LinkedIn, the networking website, and the Council of Economic Advisers have reported that the press is “America’s fastest-shrinking industry”, measured by jobs lost; the Newspaper Association of America has shown that advertising sales have halved since 2005 and are now at 1984’s level; and the Pew Research Center has found that for every digital ad dollar they earned, they lost $7 in print ads.

But wait... there's more!

Departing executives and bankruptcy advisers have been among the few people making good money from newspapers. The chief executives of Gannett and the New York Times (The Boston Globe's parent company - ed.) left in recent months with packages worth $37m and $24m respectively, while advisers to Tribune’s Chapter 11 proceedings have earned $233m.

...

Publishers have focused particularly closely on the New York Times, which began charging for online content a year ago and counted 390,000 digital subscribers by December. Barclays Capital estimated this month that digital subscriptions could add $100m to the group’s annual circulation revenues, more than offsetting an estimated $50m-$60m annual decline in print advertising.

That hasn't stopped a certain commenter, insistent in the Globe's lifespan, from bailing out on them in 2008. Hypocrisy, writ large...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - VII

Since Shank's a part-time columnist, we need some blog filler, right?

O, brave new world that has so few paper products in it! The earth’s best-known encyclopedia (or encylopaedia, if you want to be all proper about it) announced today that it is producing no more print editions. Like so many newspapers and publishing houses, Encyclopaedia Britannica is going completely digital—after 244 years of providing some of the finest page-flipping man has ever seen. While the trees may breathe easy and people who write “r” instead of “are” may not understand why this is news, a certain crowd will shed a nostalgic tear for the Boston Globe on Dead Tree this 32-volume set, once the lifeblood of door-to-door salesmen and false comfort that there was a finite, digestible amount of facts worth knowing.

That above sentence fragment needed emphasis, lest the point gets lost on certain folk...

DHL Dan - XIII

Four days since his last column, Shank has had enough time to watch a few more Red Sox games, thoughtfully evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of the current lineup, and give a rational assessment of this year's squad.

Ah, who am I kidding? Shank inflicts another picked up pieces column on us:

...

The Sox still have holes at shortstop, left field, and right field. They have downgraded at closer. They don’t have fourth and fifth starters. New York, Tampa, Texas, Anaheim, and Detroit all got better. The Sox are not better. Anybody else skeptical about the Local Nine? Who will be the first to note that the home opener is on Friday the 13th?

I like how Shank always accentuates the positive...

What's this? Shank turning sour on Adrian Gonzalez? It's like two peas in a pod!

Gonzalez is one sour dude. Almost Nomar-esque. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

Gonzo and Nomar mentioned in the same sentence? Consider it a badge of honor to make it to Shank's Shit List^TM. Remember when Shank had a man crush on Gonzalez? Seems like only yesterday.

Talk too much (Schilling, Manny) and Shank doesn't like you. Don't talk enough (Gonzalez) and Shank doesn't like you. Buy an English Premier League soccer team (Henry) and Shank dumps on you every other column. Is this guy ever happy with anyone?

He Shall Return

Shank writes a pretty good column on former Red Sox manager Dan Duquette, now the head of baseball operations for the Baltimore Orioles.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - Full circle. Ten years after. Lots of water under the Edison Bridge.

Exactly one decade after he was fired by John Henry and Larry Lucchino at the Sanibel Harbour Resort, Dan Duquette returned to Fort Myers yesterday. He is the new executive vice president/baseball operations for the moribund Baltimore Orioles.

“I’m glad to be back, glad to be working for the Orioles, and I’m glad to get another opportunity,’’ Duquette said in the press box at Fenway South Tuesday. “I’m glad to back in the major leagues.’’

Surprisingly, Shank was not calling for Duquette's head (his usual M.O.) just before new ownership relieved him of his duties back in late 2001; quite the opposite, in fact. I guess Shank saves those special 'run them out of town' efforts just for Red Sox players.

A New Day

The new Fort Myers' baseball park had it's official Opening Day yesterday, and Shank is there to cover it. I was expecting Shank to completely rip Josh Beckett a new one in this column, but the appearance of many former Red Sox players at the Opening Day festivities nixed that angle.

We'll just have to settle for a single "chicken and beer" mention (and incredibly, a comparison of the Sox 2011 collapse to the fall of Saigon) and know it will probably be used every time Shank writes about Curt Schilling Manny Ramirez Josh Beckett.

The Redemption Tour

Shank offers a game recap of Jon Lester's first start of 2012, two innings of work against Northeastern's baseball squad.

My column recap - the Shank phrase of the year ("chicken and beer") makes two appearances in this column, Lester sounds sincere in wanting to make up for last year's September performance, and that's about it.

The comparisons with the previous administration (read: Francona as manager - ed) will not go away.

That's because Shank will make damn sure it will not go away, by mentioning it in every column, including hockey, basketball and football columns. Shank loves beating dead horses...

Today it will be Josh Beckett taking the mound against the Minnesota Twins as the Redemption Tour continues.

This article is tame compared to the one he's gonna write about Beckett tomorrow.

Shank Hearts Bobby V - I

I get the feeling you'll be reading more of these columns, at least until the first four game losing streak.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - It’s been two weeks in paradise watching Bobby Valentine and the “all new’’ Red Sox. I see the new drills and the subliminal video messages and the longer workouts and the smarter-than-everybody manager and I keep asking myself the same question . . .

How did the Red Sox win two World Series, average 93 wins per season, and make the playoffs five times when they were clearly such a chaotic, disorganized mess in spring training for the last eight years?

I don't know - maybe the author of columns like these could have spent some time on that subject and then write a column about it?

The rest of the column reads as part Theo & Tito bashing, partly some good points being raised (i.e., stress fundamentals, more clubhouse changes, etc.), and part revisionist history ("Yes, we were all fooled, and I'm just the Globe's supposed expert on the Red Sox, standing in the back of the room each and every time, and even I was fooled!").

Disingenuous schmuck.

Shank on Jason Varitek

Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek announced his retirement on Thursday. Shank writes a pretty good column about his years as a Sox player.

Just two things that irritated me about the column - normal peopls call "an establishment of commerce" a business and normal people call "saloons" bars.

All's Quiet

Setting a blistering pace of five columns in five days, Shank sits down with Adrian Gonzalez for a chat.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - He is polite, aloof, and wildly talented. He is part Ted Williams, part Tim Tebow, and he doesn’t care what we think. He’s never going to get caught up in the noise of the Boston baseball experience.

He is Adrian Gonzalez, the sweet-swinging, soft-spoken, almost invisible star of the Red Sox.

Spring training 2012 thus far has been everything we thought it would be. The chicken-and-beer boys have been sufficiently contrite, the new manager has been fun and ubiquitous, the new GM has been working 24/7, the new ballpark is spectacular, and the owners dropped by to say hello on their way to Sunday’s big soccer game at Wembley. You’ve read feature stories about Josh Beckett, Jon Lester, David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youkilis, and Jacoby Ellsbury.

The "chicken-and-beer boys" is the new Curt Schilling!

Beer Was A Four Letter Word

That is, until the Red Sox banned beer from the clubhouse.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - No beer in the Red Sox clubhouse.

What’s next? No Swan Boats in the Public Garden? No Pops on the Esplanade on the Fourth of July? No L Street Brownies swimming in the ocean on New Year’s Day?

Beer in the Red Sox clubhouse is older than baked scrod on the menu at Legal Sea Foods. It’s older than Jermaine O’Neal. It’s older than Fenway Park.

I know it's supposed to be a sarcastic / humorous article, but it's interesting that the guy who wrote column after column after column mentioning "chicken & beer" in every third sentence, raking the Red Sox over the hot coals the entire time, now has no problem practically celebrating the history of alcohol and the Red Sox.

Then again, maybe interesting isn't quite the right word here...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - VI

Speaking of things that suck (for the Boston Globe and New York Times):

Newspaper Ad Revenues Fall to 60-Yr. Low in 2011

The chart above displays total annual print newspaper advertising revenue based on actual annual data from 1950 to 2010, and estimated annual revenue for 2011 using quarterly data through the third quarter, from the Newspaper Association of America.  The advertising revenues have been adjusted for inflation, and appear in the chart as millions of constant 2011 dollars.  Estimated revenues of $20.7 billion in 2011 will be the lowest annual  amount spent on newspaper advertising since $19.5 billion in 1951, exactly 60 years ago.

The decline in newspaper ad revenues to a 60-year low is amazing by itself, but the sharp decline in recent years is pretty stunning.  Last year's ad revenues of about $21 billion were less than half of the $46 billion spent just four years ago in 2007, and less than one-third of the $64 billion spent in 2000.

And even when online advertising is added to the print ads, the combined total spending for print and online advertising in 2011 will still only be about $22.6 billion, just slightly more than  the $22.5 billion spent on print advertising in 1954.

Economic Lesson: It's another one of those huge Schumpeterian gales of creative destruction.

Update: Here's another perspective: It took 50 years to go from about $20 billion in annual newspaper ad revenue in 1950 (adjusted for inflation) to $63.5 billion in 2000, and then only 11 years to go from $63.5 billion back to about $20 billion in 2011.

Whole Lotta Suck

This has to be one of the worst Shaughnessy columns in quite some time. Let us count the ways:

Belittle Red Sox owner John Henry on multiple fronts? Check. When an owner speaks, it's not a talk, it's...

Henry’s chatter minimal

Stir the pot yet again, pound your fists and demand answers to relevant and non-relevant matters? Check.

It was Henry’s chance to:

1. Comment on no beer in the clubhouse after the disaster of 2011.

2. Deny that he loves Liverpool more than the Red Sox.

3. Promise Sox fans that he’s not done spending on the baseball team.

4. Acknowledge the darkest period of his decade-long ownership.

5. Apologize to Carl Crawford for ripping him during a spontaneous appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub.

6. Explain why he wouldn’t return phone calls from his fired manager, Terry Francona.

7. Explain why the Sox allowed an under-contract Theo Epstein to go to the Cubs before agreeing on compensation.

8. Deliver one of those patented, Steinbrenneresque win-one-for-the-Gipper pep talks to the 2012 Red Sox.

Deliberately misrepresent one of those assertions so you can further pile on the owner? Check.

5. Apologize to Carl Crawford for ripping him during a spontaneous appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub.

And what constitutes 'ripping' a baseball player?

Regarding his radio remark that he was against signing Crawford to the $142 million contract,...

"I was against it" is ripping a player? Please. "He sucks; he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn & throws like a girl" is ripping someone.

Continue on with the obsession over Liverpool FC? Check.

What about Liverpool, John? Have your attention and wallet moved across the Atlantic in the quest to battle Manchester United?

You think Shank's got the stones to criticize the rest of John Henry's investments? Me neither.

Screw up a semi-obvious name / offer further proof that Shank's column are not edited? Check.

“I think more recently there’s been more to attend to,’’ he acknowledged, without referencing Liverpool, Fenway Rousch Racing, or LeBron James.

Nice try, Shank & the copy desk!

UPDATE at 12:30 PM - Shank's gonna go apeshit; just spotted John & Mrs. Henry in the owner's box at Wembley Stadium (Liverpool v. Cardiff for the Carling Cup).

Shank Almost Gets Whacked

Finally, a non-chicken & beer story from the Globe's part-time sports columnist:

FORT MYERS, Fla. - I was standing outside the Red Sox clubhouse yesterday morning, minding my own business, not looking for any trouble, when David Ortiz came out and started yelling at me.

OK, maybe “yell’’ is too strong. But it was unhappy talk and it caught me by surprise.

“Dan, you think I’m going to break down like Jim Rice did when he was 36? You’re wrong. It’s not the 1980s. It’s 2012.’’

“Whoa, big fella,’’ I offered. “I don’t remember writing that.’’

Shank then recounts how many people have screamed at him over the years; my only surprise is how short the list is.

But Our Man Shaughnessy's a stand-up guy, right?

Me: “Well, if it makes you feel any better, he’s (the guy who said Papi will break down) our hockey writer.

Kevin Paul Dupont, you just got Shanked!

Beating A Dead Horse - III

The surest sign of a lazy part-time Globe sports columnist is to write about the same thing over and over and over:

...

Chicken and beer. Beer and chicken. If you played for the 2011 Red Sox, it will always be part of your legacy, even if you did nothing wrong. Just as Al Pacino will go to his grave knowing he appeared in “Gigli,’’ Dustin Pedroia has to live with the fact that he was part of the 2011 Red Sox.

You'd think that a scribe, in Florida for about a week, would have something else to write about...

The Utterly Predictable Shank Column

...will be written tomorrow. Jon Lester had this to say about September 2011's collapse:

"They should be (angry),'' Lester said Sunday morning, reporting day for Red Sox pitchers and catchers. "We didn't play very good. With all the other stuff added on top of that, it's obviously going to make it worse. I don't blame them for being mad. We didn't play good. We stunk. I stunk. I take complete responsibility for it."

That seems to meet the criteria of an apology that Shank demanded earlier today. Somehow I doubt that will suffice in Shank's eyes.

And now, Josh Beckett:

"We made mistakes in the clubhouse, and that's about as far as I'll go talking about the clubhouse,"

...

Beckett also insisted there was never a time he wasn't ready to pitch and when asked if it was fair to be singled out for being out of shape at the end of the season, he said, "I put on a little bit of weight. I don't have a reason for it, but it happened. I'm looking forward to going forward from here."

No apology for you! Cue Shank's self-righteous indignation as he attempts to drag Beckett further over the hot coals.