The Shaughnessy Postulation

To wit - Shank's at his 'finest' when the Red Sox lose their first game of the season:

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. — Wow. What is there to say other than . . .

■ Bring back John Farrell.

■ Wait till next year.

■ Bring back Grady Little.

■ The Red Sox have already played their worst game of the season.

■ How do you blow a 4-0 lead to a team that looks like it is designed to lose?

■ Bring back Bobby Valentine.

OK, let’s all calm down. I am overreacting here. The season is not over. Alex Cora is going to be just fine (we think). This is not going to be one of those Raging Bullpen teams that gives fans heart attacks in the seventh and eighth innings.

He is not overreacting here - the column goes on in this vein for quite a bit, second guessing & piling on in true Shaughnessy fashion. It is beyond debate that he loves to write about the Red Sox after any type of loss, especially the high profile ones.

He's Just Asking The Question!

Shank gives us his thoughts on the 2018 Boston Red Sox, who will start the regular season tomorrow:

Are fans ready to embrace these Red Sox right off the bat?

TAMPA — It would be impossible to script a more bland Opening Day. It is as if the Baseball Gods conspired to give the Red Sox an opportunity to fly under the radar for a while.

Boston’s 2018 Olde Towne Team — almost the exact same cast of characters that inspired apathy and some legitimate disdain while winning a second straight division title last year — will open its season Thursday afternoon at 4 p.m., 1,400 miles from home in the worst ballpark in the majors against perhaps the worst team in the majors while folks back in Boston are looking at snowbanks, gearing up for Celtics and Bruins playoffs, and still asking why Malcolm Butler did not play in the Super Bowl.

Can Shank paint a worse assessment of this team than that? Read on and find out (hint - yes, he can!).

Get Off My Lawn?

Shank's latest column started out strong with that old man vibe:

Kids today. They’re just not like they used to be.

This is what old people say. And parents. And teachers. And coaches. This is the lament of folks sitting in rocking chairs, reading newspapers, calling grandchildren on the land-line rotary telephone and actually expecting the young folks to pick up the call.

It’s the same when it comes to Major League Baseball players.

Turns out it's a pretty decent column, and I think that's the second time I've recommended a Shank column this month. That's a sure sign of the approaching apocalypse!

The Obligatory Craig Kimbrel Spring Training Column

We expect the proforma Red Sox spring training columns from Shank, but this one's just a bit different:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — You are a famous professional athlete, as good at your craft as just about anybody on the planet. You make bags of cash and fans scream your name when you come in from the bullpen. You are 29 years old and you play for a first-place team in a city that loves the sport you play. Life is good. Life is great. Life is perfect.

And then you find out your newborn baby girl has a serious congenital heart condition, and everything changes as she fights for her life daily at Children’s Hospital in Boston.

You stop thinking about baseball. You stop thinking about everything other than your newborn baby girl and your wife. You abandon thoughts of the four-seam fastball and the Yankee lineup and you learn the language of anatomy and cardiology.

This hits home with Shank - some of you may remember the Clementine column, which was the point where Shank stopped being an asshole to Roger Clemens.

The Yawkey Way Jihad?

Shank throws us a curveball in the battle over whether to rename Yawkey Way:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Reggie Smith and Jim Lonborg, two stars of the 1967 “Impossible Dream” Red Sox, are in favor of keeping the name “Yawkey Way” on the street that runs in front of Fenway Park.

“I wish they would leave it Yawkey Way,’’ said the 72-year-old Smith, an African-American who came up through the Red Sox system and was known for his speed, power, and outspoken disposition during a Sox career that ran from 1967 until he was traded after the 1973 season.

“Tom Yawkey treated me very fairly,” said Smith. “I had conversations with him about the reputation that he had and the Red Sox had during the time I was there. He wanted to make sure that he had a good team and he wanted the best players he could possibly get, and if there was anything that I needed or any problems that I had to bring it to him and let him know. I was treated fairly and I know that when I left Boston I was the highest-paid African-American player that he had, and I respect him for it.’’

Is this a passive-aggressive column, zigging when he was sagging a few columns ago? It sure looks that way from here.

DHL Dan LXVII - Patriots Bashing, Continued

Shank cranks out his third column in as many days, where he continues to complain about the free agents leaving the New England Patriots. Here's Shank trying to put words into somebody's mouth:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Picked-up pieces while trying to decode Gronk’s texts, “Tom vs Time,” and the trail of “no comments” and crumbs that tell us something is rotten in Foxborough . . .

■ I get it now: Nate Solder, Malcolm Butler, Danny Amendola, and Dion Lewis were all terrible, and these foolish teams that hired them are making a big mistake in overpaying them. The Patriots are going to be just fine. Nothing to see here. We all need to be patient and let Tom be Tom, and let Bill be the genius. Swell.

But it’ll always be impossible to explain Butler not playing in the Super Bowl (then getting a guaranteed $30 million from the Titans) and Jimmy Garoppolo getting traded for a bag of doughnuts in midseason.

He also complains about the Red Sox infield, the name of a fucking street (any guesses out there?) and a few other things as well, which shouldn't surprise any of you. Now get off my lawn!

The Obligatory David Price Spring Training Column

It seems that Shank likes what he sees in David Price's first spring training game:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Thursday was a good day for Boston sports. Not a single Patriot star took more money to join another NFL team, none of the Celtics got hurt before flying to Orlando for Friday’s game, and no one uttered the word “yuck” during David Price’s four innings of shutout ball at JetBlue Park against the Toronto Blue Jays.

Price threw 55 pitches, 34 for strikes, and gave up one hit and one walk while fanning five (four called) in a Grapefruit League victory over the Jays. He looked almost ready for Giancarlo Stanton, Aaron Judge, Gary Sanchez, and Didi Gregorius.

And just in case anyone forgot, Shank helpfully reminds you of the bad stuff that happened last year:

This was Price’s first start against a big league team since last July 22, when he lost to the Angels. Price went five innings on that Saturday night in Anaheim, and 24 hours later, details spilled of his unfortunate airplane ambush of Dennis Eckersley earlier in the season.

Mentioning the other Boston sports teams in an insulting manner, dredging up the past - par for the course in a Shank spring training column.

The Obligatory Chris Sale Spring Training Column

Just like the previous post here at DSW, Shank takes great pleasure at digging up unpleasant past events.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — We tiptoe around the obvious. Folks in Red Sox Nation love Chris Sale. He was everything you hoped he’d be with the 2017 Red Sox.

. . . right up until the end.

After a 300-strikeout season that led the Sox to a division title, Sale was terrible in the postseason. In his first crack at playoff baseball, Sale was 0-2 with a 8.38 ERA. He gave up 13 hits and 4 homers in 9⅔ innings as the Sox were dismissed by the Astros in four games.

The Tommy Harper Usurpation

You may have seen Shank's fairly recent concern with changing the name of Yawkey Way, for which you correctly deduce he's all in favor of, and uses the scumbag but effective technique of having a former Red Sox player do his dirty work for him.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Tommy Harper is 77 years old and first worked in professional baseball in 1960. Blessed with speed, power, and smarts, he was a big-league All-Star who hit 31 homers for the Brewers in 1970 and held the Red Sox’ season record for stolen bases (54) for almost four decades.

He played three seasons for Boston and has also served the team as a coach, consultant, and equal opportunity employment officer. He was traded by the Red Sox in 1974, and has been fired by the team three times since 1979.

In 1986, Harper accepted an out-of-court settlement from the Red Sox after filing a federal discrimination lawsuit against the ball club when he was fired for blowing the whistle on the club’s practice of allowing the Winter Haven (Fla.) Elks Club to allow admission to white Red Sox players at the exclusion of black and Hispanic players. In 2010, Harper was inducted into the Red Sox Hall of Fame.

Classic Shank, isn't it?

There's No Offseason For Patriots Bashing

Certainly not for Shank, as he tries to antagonize somebody / certain groups of people into responding to recent members of the New England Patriots signing with other teams as NFL free agency starts today:

Patriots Media Cartel must swing into overdrive to convince us that none of these guys were any good and certainly not worth the money other teams are giving them.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 14, 2018

By the way, those of us with memories will recall Ty Law, Richard Seymour, Logan Mankins and a slew of other similar free agency decisions that wound up benefitting the Patriots.

Random High School Football Story

Every couple of months Shank does a column on high school sports in order to give the false impression that he's not a totally negative asshole. Yesterday he gave us one of those columns.

There were seven of them in the high school football office when the first shots rang out at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School three weeks ago. Douglas head football coach Willis May was gathered with four of his student-athletes, including quarterback Tyler Goodman, plus two representatives from Nichols College: running backs coach St. Clair Ryan and assistant dean for enrollment Paul Brower.

It was supposed to be a standard meet-and-greet where representatives of the college get to know the athletes and tell them why they’d be happy playing sports and studying at the Division 3 school in Dudley, Mass.

But then everything changed.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue

While I'll quibble a bit about it being something confined to basketball, Shank cranks out a very good column about the basketball coaching community.

Basketball coaches are a collegial bunch. High school. College. Professional. It doesn’t matter. Brad Stevens, John Wooden, Red Auerbach, Norman Dale, and the guy who coached you in high school 50 years ago are all members of the same club. They borrow from one another. And they tweak old plays that have been around since James Naismith and the peach basket.

I’ll never forget something Stevens said in Cleveland last October. We were standing in the bowels of Quicken Loans Arena a few minutes before the launch of this Celtics season when somebody asked the coach about the unusual number of high school and college coaches who attended Celtic practices during the 2017 preseason.

DHL Dan LXVI - The One About Yawkey Way

Passing on the predicted slew of Robert Kraft bashing columns, Shank instead cranks out a Picked Up Pieces^TM column, his first in eight days. The end of the Winter Olympics can depress you for a while and probably put a good dent in your willingness to write about sports. He's still banging on about renaming Yawkey Way:

■ Spoke with Yawkey Foundation chairman John Harrington about the controversial proposal to change the name of Yawkey Way back to Jersey Street. This is some of what he said: “I was very happy with the money we put in the bank [after selling the Red Sox to John Henry]. It’s Tom Yawkey’s money. So when the Red Sox today try to separate the Yawkey Foundation from Tom Yawkey — you can’t do that. It’s Tom Yawkey’s money that we’re investing. And it was his investing that started all this goodness that’s going around the city. They [the Red Sox] are just trying to separate the issue because it’s to their benefit to do that.’’

This is an unusually good PUP column, partly because he refrained from referring to next year's Patriots opponents as tomato cans and other signature Shankisms. The Pitino & Calipari bashing sealed it for me! I recommend it for full reading, and I don't do that often.

Shank's Next Three Columns?

... or maybe we'll just get one?

EXCLUSIVE: There's speculation that the Patriots owner has become a father again at age 76 https://t.co/JsjFF7ywuL

— Page Six (@PageSix) March 1, 2018

The Retroactive Application of Political Correctness

Since he can't be bothered to write about the 2018 Boston Red Sox, Shank takes an interest in an ancillary matter, as these retweets indicate:

New from @MikeSilvermanBB: #RedSox ask city of Boston to change Yawkey Way name back to its original Jersey Street https://t.co/2fJ8vQipAp pic.twitter.com/O4WmjyiUE7

— Sean Leahy (@leahysean) February 28, 2018

YawkeyFoundation will fight Red Sox' attempt to rename YawkeyWay. 'Deeply disappointed' by move, contends there's a 'false narrative' surrounding Tom Yawkey. https://t.co/WZG2sFZMeH

— Michael Silverman (@MikeSilvermanBB) February 28, 2018

The Obligatory David Price Column

Shank continues to heap praise on the embattled pitcher, but that will change sometime this year.

All he is saying is give Price a chance

What never changes - lame and extremely dated song lyric references!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Despite all the noise and nonsense — and even though I thought he lost his mind and his manners and blew up the Red Sox season last year — I am a big believer in David Price’s talent. I think he could be Boston’s best pitcher this year. I think he could have a Cy Young season. I think he could win back the fans.

Perhaps this demonstrates some character flaw, but I just can’t quit on Price. I thought Boston folks were too tough on him when he was characterized as a failure after winning 17 games and leading the majors in innings in 2016. I was still in Price’s camp early last summer, right up until he ambushed Dennis Eckersley on the team charter, creating a loser culture of tension and joylessness.

I'm not entirely sold on the above premise that Shank's fully self-aware. I'm also not entirely sold on this on again, off again fake love affair with Price. If and when it becomes news that Price is opting out of his contract later this year (I think it's going to be when, not if), Shank will turn on the afterburners and write two successive columns with the sole purpose of running David Price out of town. The only thing that will stop that from happening is his boss, John Henry, nixing the columns, which we're certain has already happened a number of times since Henry bought the Globe years ago.

Is There A J.D. Martinez Problem?

Shank, stirring things up as always:

Still waiting for the official J. D. Martinez announcement. Anyone starting to wonder if there is a problem?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 22, 2018

...or maybe Martinez flunked the physical?

Says The Newspaper With Sexual Harrassment Problems

Jerry and Kirkie this morning sent their producer into WJJB-FM (Maine) booth at JetBlue with a live mic to disrupt interview. Nice to see the WEEI boys are taking their sensitivity training seriously.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 22, 2018

The Shaughnessy Extrapolation

Here's the column where Shank tells J.D. Martinez how bad the Boston sports media abuse will be when he gets to his first four-game hitless streak.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — There was great energy in the Red Sox clubhouse at JetBlue Park Wednesday morning. J.D. Martinez was in the house, getting a physical and waiting for Scott Boras to arrive. The locker room was positively buoyant as David Price and his Richie Havens beard held court in one corner while other players chatted in front of their stalls.

Enough bullshit - let's cut to the chase:

In this spirit, I hereby submit my own humble advice to J.D. Martinez: Clip and save. Here are the dos and don’ts of playing in Boston.

■ Remove all radios from your home and automobile. No sports talk radio for you. Ever. From now on, it’s Kenny G, Katy Perry, and Beyonce.

Missing from the list - 'Avoid Dan Shaughnessy like the plague'.

■ Blame yourself when things go wrong. Be harder on yourself than any wiseguy columnist or radio shock jock. The late Dennis Johnson was the master of this. He’d rip himself after shooting 2 for 10. Ditto for Bill Walton. After Walton’s first game as a Celtic (a loss in New Jersey), Walton said, “I was a disgrace to the game of basketball.’’ This disarms the media and the fans. How are we going to rip somebody when they’ve already scorched the earth?

And that's Shank, again not even trying to hide it anymore.

Shank Recycles Another Column

He's not even trying to hide it anymore.

You be the judge.

Seven hours before it was announced that the Red Sox signed free agent slugger J.D. Martinez, Sox owner John Henry (also owner of the Globe) and chairman Tom Werner took questions from the New England media at JetBlue Park Monday morning in a remarkable 18-minute session highlighted when Henry said, “I don’t think we need to be popular. We need to win.’’

In what is traditionally his only public press session each year, Henry pushed back on the notion that the Red Sox haven’t changed much since last year (the roster was effectively identical before Martinez signed). The owner, now in his 17th season, insisted there had been significant changes and blamed any perceived problems with the 2017 Sox on the coaching staff, which was entirely replaced (excepting Dana LeVangie) in the offseason. The problem, Henry said was all in “the approach.’’

Shank already wrote a column about this media session yesterday. It seems pointless to rehash it again, unless the purpose is just to be an asshole.

The Obligatory J.D. Martinez Column

After bitching about the lack of roster moves by the Red Sox, Shank feigns interest in the J.D. Martinez signing.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Slugger J.D. Martinez is a now a member of the 2018 Boston Red Sox. I haven’t been this excited about a Sox acquisition since Jack Clark was brought on board back in 1991.

Anybody remember Jack Clark? He was the big-money, big-ticket righty slugger who was going to hit 50 homers over the Green Monster. Unfortunately, he hit 28 in his first season, then five in his second season, went bankrupt, and was out of baseball after playing only 221 games with the Red Sox.

Seriously, I love the Martinez signing. What’s not to love? It’s not our $110 million the Sox just committed over the next five seasons. The Sox need homers and Martinez hits homers. He hit 45 last year in a mere 119 games (432 at-bats) with the Tigers and Diamondbacks. Who cares that he is working with his fourth team at the age of 30? There’s no need to be alarmed at the fact that he was released by the Astros in 2014, or traded by the Tigers last summer. He is a certified slugger and brings badly needed home run power to the team that finished last in the American League in homers in 2017.

The One Where Shank Tries To Get Fired

While Shank continues to criticize the Red Sox for not making sufficient trades in the offseason (and which isn't exactly news at this point, beating a dead horse is what's going on here), Shank gives his boss a hard time at today's press conference:

Me: Could you explain to fans your objection to the Yawkey Way street name?

Henry: No, I think I’ve already covered that.

Me: I don’t remember you ever talking about it.

Henry: I was quoted in the other newspaper.

Me: Could you share it with all of us?

Henry: What my objections are? No, I’d really rather talk about baseball and spring training.

Not Shank, though:

Me: But this is the only chance we get to talk to you. Is that [changing the name] something the club is actively engaged in?

Henry: It is something the club is engaged in.

Is this Shank's way of filing for early retirement?

UPDATE AT 6:35 PM - John Henry just threw Shank a bone:

FORT MYERS -- The Red Sox appear to have finally replaced the offensive void left by David Ortiz.

Free agent J.D. Martinez and the Red Sox are in agreement on a five-year contract that would bring the slugger to Boston, according to a source.

Martinez can opt out after the second and third years of the deal, a source said.

The Obligatory Rafael Devers Column

You ever get the feeling that Shank just goes through the motions when he covers Red Sox spring training?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Vitilla has been very good to Boston baseball.

The Dominican Republic gave the Red Sox Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Pedro Martinez, Hanley Ramirez, and now Rafael Devers. And all of them honed their skills playing vitilla (pronounced vee-TEE-ya), the broomstick/bottle cap baseball game children play in the Dominican Republic.

“You go to the Dominican and as soon as you land and go outside the airport, you are gonna see kids playing vitilla all over the place,’’ said Hanley Ramirez. “Every backyard. That’s all we do.’’

And what Red Sox spring training column by Shank isn't complete without a forty year-old story?

The description reminded me of a conversation I had with 21-year-old Eddie Murray four decades ago at Bobby Maduro Stadium in Miami.

Surprisingly, he hasn't reused that chestnut a shitload of times - maybe he's not going through the motions?

UPDATE AT 5:40 PM - Just to note of the five Dominican players mentioned above, Shank did his best to run the first three out of town and will do so to the other two when the opportunity presents itself.

The Obligatory Jackie Bradley Jr. Column

Is Shank in Fort Myers to report on the 2018 Boston Red Sox or is he there to 'report' on everything else except the 2018 Boston Red Sox ?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Despite coming off back-to-back division titles, these 2018 Red Sox seem to inspire inordinate doubt and skepticism. Mookie Betts, Xander Bogaerts, Dustin Pedroia, and David Price have alternately talked about leadership, handling things better, and the joylessness of the 2017 season. On Saturday, Price was spotted wearing a white hoodie with “We Need Leaders” printed on the back.

And then there’s Jackie Bradley Jr., the spectacular center fielder who is the second-longest-tenured Red Sox player behind Pedroia.

Anyone remember Bradley’s spring training in 2013? He was the only positive thing the Sox had going into that season. They were still reeling from the 2012 Bobby Valentine train wreck, which had come on the heels of the 2011 chicken-and-beer collapse, after which a lot of people either left or got fired. In the spring of ’13, the Sox had no hope, other than a Double A outfielder who batted .419 in Florida and made himself the Sox’ youngest Opening Day starter since Dwight Evans.
...
There is a slight weariness to him. He’s learned that in Boston the highs are higher and the lows are lower. He’s experienced plenty of both.

Bradley was on the Lou Merloni Pawtucket Shuttle in 2013, 2014, and 2015. He had his breakout year in 2016, when he started the All-Star Game and finished with 26 homers, a .267 average, and 87 RBIs. But last year he slumped to .245 with 17 homers and 63 RBIs in 133 games — a season he characterizes as “subpar”.

Eventually he'll do columns on the 2018 team. When that happens is anybody's guess.

If You Dig Deep Enough You'll Hit Some Rocks

He really is a relentlessly negative asshole, isn't he?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — So there. It’s all true. We weren’t making it up last summer/fall when we told you that the first-place 2017 Red Sox were sour, unhappy, dysfunctional, and headed for a fall. A couple of Sox everyday stalwarts gave voice to it Thursday morning at JetBlue Park before the second official workout for pitchers and catchers.

“We had a lot of stuff going on last year,’’ acknowledged Xander Bogaerts, a veteran of the 2013 world champion Red Sox.

Could he be a little more specific?

“I mean, we all know,’’ Bogaerts said. “We all know what was going on. I don’t think I want to get into details, but that’s what I said.

“The quicker we move on, the better for all of us. We should look forward to this year. It’s a new year. We should try to reach the playoffs again and get over that first round.’’

The problem right now is that Shank will not move on, until John Henry calls Shank into his office and tells him to knock this shit off.

There's Nothing Going On In Fort Myers

That's how Shank sums up the offseason & the start of spring training for the Red Sox:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Dave Dombrowski looks tanned and rested. Which makes sense. He hasn’t done much of anything since the Red Sox were knocked out of the first round of the playoffs last October. Dombrowski just presided over the quietest offseason in Red Sox history.

This was the baseball winter in which Dombro didn’t trade any boatloads of prospects for proven talents. He didn’t sign anyone to a $217 million contract. He didn’t acquire any long relievers destined to spend the season on the disabled list. He didn’t do much of anything.

Oh, To Be A Fly On The Wall For This One

(Another in the occasional series of departing from DSW posts while Shank pisses in some water bottles in Fort Myers...)

You know where I'd love to be on Friday morning? Sitting in between Lou Merloni and Kirk Minihane when this goes down:

Boston radio station WEEI will have all of its employees undergo mandatory sensitivity training on Friday, the network announced Wednesday, during which time all live programming will be suspended.

“Nothing is more important to WEEI than the close-knit and diverse Boston community we call home, and we are committed to actively contributing to its betterment,” WEEI said in a statement. “WEEI is in the process of closely reevaluating our policies and procedures in an effort to ensure that our programming is never intolerant or harmful to our listeners or our city.”

The decision comes after two recent incidents that led to the suspensions of two hosts.

A few thoughts here:

1) They should broadcast this 'sensitivity training' instead of whatever's going to replace the twelve hour void.

2) Make no mistake about this - this isn't an exercise in 'sensitivity training' as it is an excuse for a good healthy dose of political correctness to be shoved down the throats of a mostly male audience. You can already see it in the above statement referring to the 'close-knit and diverse Boston community' codswallop they're trying to sell. Human Resource departments in organizations are generally speaking where companies stick their most useless employees when they lack the balls to fire them outright, which helps to explain why they're the petri dish for these things to grow. A general observation of organizational behavior is this - as an organization grows larger, it becomes more infused with rules and procedures, and as a result conformity / playing by these rules is encouraged while certain behaviors are discouraged and actively punished. Just go and Google the name 'James Damore' (a former Google employee, oddly enough) for further discussion of this phenomena.

The notion of 'sensitivity training' is approximately twenty years old as best I can tell. Compared to 98.5 The Sports Hub, there are a lot more incidents at WEEI, both historically and recently. My roommate (a local law enforcement official) was just today subject to this very thing, where he described it roughly like this - 'Sit down and shut up while we verbally beat the shit out of you for the next six hours', which I equate to my remedial drivers education course from twenty years ago. I guarantee this is how this Friday 'sensitivity training' will be described by every single participant, in the event any of them are allowed to go on record to discuss it.

There's an old Klingon proverb - 'Revenge is a dish, best served cold'. Break out the cutlery, Lou and Kirk...

The One Where Shank Tries To Bait David Price

Spring training has arrived for the 2018 Boston Red Sox, so Shank's in Fort Myers in his own version of the Winter Olympics - the Athlete Ambush:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — I’ve been in Fort Myers well over 24 hours, and every conversation with every Red Sox fan, snowbird, and JetBlue clubhouse attendant starts with the same question:

“How come Malcolm Butler didn’t play in the Super Bowl?’’

No one knows. We’ll never know.

Are any of you buying that bullshit? Every single fan he's talked to? I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night.

So let’s talk about something else for a minute. Let’s turn to the feel-bad story of the 2017 Red Sox. Let’s get everyone back in the baseball mood with a cleansing, expansive interview with David Price.

Easy call, folks...

Fast-forward to 2018’s “reporting day” for Sox pitchers and catchers, and there was Price, affable, thoughtful, answering questions from the picnic table podium where every Red Sox manager and star player delivers opening remarks in mid-February. Think of it as 17 minutes in the dentist chair surrounded by dozens of folks with drills.

One minute into the session, the indomitable Jonny Miller asked, “How do you feel mentally coming in after a tough season last season?’’

Perfect. This is one of the dominant pitchers of the last decade, a guy with a suddenly fragile $200 million elbow, but we wonder about him “mentally.’’

“I had a very good offseason and I feel good both mentally and physically,’’ said Price.

Not surprised at the question; the only surprise is someone beating Shank to the punch. Read on for more of the same.

Eight Days After

Until Red Sox spring training rolls around, this appears to be the only thing Shank is capable of writing about:

Eagles lineman says Patriots are ‘fear-based organization’ https://t.co/QTXOcqJT4J pic.twitter.com/rJWLBvV7lR

— Boston.com Sports (@BDCSports) February 11, 2018

Does this man have a point? https://t.co/HfRY9jWHL1

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 11, 2018

Shank then gets taken to the woodshed:

Pats have 5 rings with this regime
I’ll let the numbers speak for themselves

— Mike Polly` (@metman84) February 11, 2018

This is why free agents never sign or re-sign with the Pats, and certainly none of them would take less money to stay with the Pats #You’reSuchAFraud

— 5Rings RogerThat(@MVPTB12) February 11, 2018

Seriously? This guy wins one Super Bow and he's the authority on the franchise who has won 5 of them? Every business is about results, not having the most fun. How much fun did Cleveland, NYG, NYJ, Colts TB, Bears, and Azhave this year?

— pauldevlin(@sportsrip) February 11, 2018

Volinsays it's better to lose in AFC championship and Shank's worried about the players having fun. Good sports section you got there @BostonGlobe

— Ryan Foley (@Foley885) February 11, 2018

@danieljlavoie is Shaughnessy for real? Is he just anti Boston sports or just a master troll

— Drew Strong (@dstrong626) February 11, 2018

Embrace the power of 'and', Drew!

The Shaughnessy Report

It looks like this blog's got some competition out there!

Bill Simmons Hits A Nerve

If I'm reading this correctly, Bill Simmons got Shank to react, albeit indirectly, to the Ron Borges kerfuffle. How DARE Simmons mention Shank's colleagues at the Boston Globe?

Everything became so much nastier starting in 1990 with the Lisa Olson debacle (and how horribly she was treated, by nearly everyone), and never improved. There have been a few exceptions over the years, but for the most part, negativity and nastiness has prevailed. It’s too bad.

— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) February 10, 2018

This fraud . . . Who never got off the couch or faced anyone he wrote about https://t.co/KnslddamwP

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 10, 2018

Some of these responses are going to leave a mark:

More people read his articles than yours, so what does that say about your profession as a whole? Adapt or die.

— Pat Mitchell (@thepmitchell) February 10, 2018

Dan Shaughnessy has written the same tired takes for years without adapting & yet here he is, still not dead yet.

— Andy Dufresne(@oldandydufresne) February 10, 2018

And the winner:

pic.twitter.com/fCwZZUylV9

— Jon (@CPJonGoSox) February 10, 2018

Ron Borges Death Watch - VI

This is more like it:

The Boston Herald has suspended columnist Ron Borges after he was catfished by a person claiming to be Tom Brady’s agent, the paper announced Friday afternoon.

Borges, a sportswriter for the Herald, reported on Thursday night that Brady would not report to OTAs if he didn't receive a raise comparable to the one the 49ers gave his former backup, Jimmy Garoppolo. The story also ran as the back page of the Herald’s Friday sports section. The report, which cited several unnamed "sources," was apparently the result of a text conversation Borges had with a man pretending to be Brady's agent, Don Yee.

I had to duck out early this morning, so I didn't have the time to double check the now obvious 'suspend the story' nonsense the Herald put out.

Ron Borges Death Watch - V

This is not a complete list, and I'm not going to include the links to their Twitter feeds (it's so much work!), but I wanted to note which sports writers, bloggers and others who have tweeted or retweeted about this and who hasn't:

Yes - Pro Football Talk, Bruce Allen, Kirk Minihane, Kevin Youkilis, Scott Zolak, Jerry Thornton, Gerry Callahan, NESN Patriots.

No - Fitzy, Shank, John Tomase, Kevin Paul DuPont.

Make of it as you will.

Ron Borges Death Watch - IV

Adam Gaffin at Universal Hub just gave me the skinny - Ron Borges has been suspended:

A column by Ron Borges in today’s Herald regarding Patriot Tom Brady’s salary discussions was based on information which proved to be false.

The Herald apologizes to Brady, his agent Don Yee and the Patriots, and to our readers for this erroneous report.

Borges’ column has been suspended pending further review.

Note what they're not saying now that they were saying earlier in the day relating to the 'other sources', or are they now implicitly confirming it was all bullshit? Seems to indicate they didn't pan out, right? How long does it really take for Borges to tell his editors who the 'other sources' are and for those editors to contact these 'other sources' and verify what they allegedly told Borges? If you ask me this could have been conducted by now, so why the delaying tactic? What can't be conducted at the same breakneck speed is Borges' severance package. Given the Herald's pending bankruptcy proceedings, the size of that severance package is about the same size of that big change jar some us keep in the old one gallon twist-off glass container of cheap Gallo wine.

UPDATE, 2/10/18, 10:35 AM - Correction - the column has been suspended, not Borges. Does that mean I just pulled a Borges?

Ron Borges Death Watch - III

Clearing the deck before the next big announcement:

Boston Herald sports editor tells PFT they're looking into Ron Borges' explosive Tom Brady column, which was apparently based on Borges getting pranked https://t.co/I2JFzZ1AL0

— ProFootballTalk(@ProFootballTalk) February 9, 2018

If you've written about football long enough, you've probably caught Ron Borges copying and pasting your work without credit. I know I have. He's a lazy and sloppy journalist. It's not surprising this happened. https://t.co/zQRXEHUcg3

— Michael David Smith (@MichaelDavSmith) February 9, 2018

Ron Borges Death Watch - II

I'm sure my co-blogger Mike will grant me this exemption from Shank bashing. I wonder what the mindset is behind people like Ron Borges who have the chutzpah to write crap like this before they get their pants pulled down in front of the entire country:

On the same day Ron Borges was writing a column based on one bogus source he didn't verify, he was lecturing people to "do your homework." pic.twitter.com/WXqNFzdTPI

— Michael David Smith (@MichaelDavSmith) February 9, 2018

Ron Borges Death Watch

So, when does he get the ax? Is he hitting the Jack Daniels bottle as we speak?

And Now For Some Ron Borges Bashing - II / La Fin

From the looks of it, we may not have Ron Borges to kick around anymore (some emphasis added):

It’s been a rough morning for Boston Herald columnist Ron Borges.

Borges believed he had a major scoop in today’s paper: A column citing unnamed “sources” close to Tom Brady saying that Brady was ready to hold out of offseason work if the Patriots didn’t give him a significant pay raise, comparable to the contract the 49ers just gave Brady’s former backup Jimmy Garoppolo. But then WEEI revealed that one of its listeners had hoaxed Borges with a text purporting to be from Brady’s agent, and that the whole premise of Borges’ column was bogus.

PFT checked with the Boston Herald‘s sports editor, Sean Leahy, who told us, “We’re looking into it.”

Meanwhile, the Boston Herald has pulled Borges’ column off its website, which strongly suggests that they’ve already concluded that “looking into it” is something that Borges failed to do when he got the text.

Borges cited “sources,” plural, in his column saying that Brady would hold out, but it appears that Borges was relying on only one source, and that one source was a prankster who fooled him. Borges has a history of poor journalistic practices, including an instance of plagiarism that precipitated his departure from the Boston Globe. We’ve caught Borges copying and pasting from PFT without credit in the past. Now he has egg on his face again.

If it was a single source, he's as good as fired or otherwise made redundant, since the Herald's bankruptcy auction happens on Tuesday, with three potential bidders so far. His previous history does not help him, and a little Globe birdy told me back when it happened - when Borges was shown the door at the Globe, 'he didn't burn that bridge - he NUKED it'.

UPDATE AT 4:15 PM - I forgot to note that Shank's Twitter feed contains no tweets or retweets as of this update. Fellow Boston sports assholes need to stick together, you know!

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - IV

Yes, the Roman numeral above should be a lot higher.

If Pete Carroll doesn’t lose his mind and falcons don’t choke away 28-3, patriots would be looking at historic 5 game super bowl losing streak.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 8, 2018

We could also say "If David Tyree and Mario Manningham didn't make those two catches, Tom Brady's probably retired now with seven Super Bowl wins." That, however, would require a positive outlook on things and it's been demonstrated here time and time again this is simply not in Shank's DNA.

You bet some followers have a problem with this tweet:

Key word in there fruitcake. (If)

— Scott Zolak(@scottzolak) February 8, 2018

Is there any doubt about how Zo feels towards Shank?

Early entry for the thread winner:

If my aunt had a dick, she’d be my uncle

— Will (@WOSullivan4) February 8, 2018

You must be great fun at parties.

— Ron Blythe (@RonBlythe) February 8, 2018

You mean the one's he's not invited to?

What about Tyree catch and Manningham. Ifs and buts

— nathanrichardson(@supernautoz) February 8, 2018

...and for the win!

Wait you said tomato cans now you're changing your story Dan....dang Dan you need positivity in your life 😃👍

— Beth (@MsMediaBeth) February 8, 2018

It was just last week that Shank claimed to hate hypotheticals, and we said 'unless it suits his purposes (about five posts down - Blogger's acting funny and I'm not gonna fetch the link tight now)'. Well, here you go.

Which Means... What, Exactly?

Whatever this is supposed to mean...

Encapsulating Patriots season pic.twitter.com/uPA1SJveth

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 8, 2018

Well, we do know what it's supposed to mean - another cheap shot criticism of the New England Patriots. We've been over this many times this year that Shank would do this if they failed to win it all, and this simply proof positive. It sure beats the hell out of an entire column about Josh McDaniels bowing out of the Colts head coaching position.

Maybe You Should Write A Column About It?

That's one matter, but I'm actually in agreement with Shank on this one:

Total weasel move by McDaniels. This guy is your next patriot leader? Good luck. Pats media cartel hard pressed to put good spin on this one. https://t.co/EN3LEe7Trf

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 7, 2018

The only time I did something perhaps similar was back in 1993. I had accepted a job (verbal) at a Worcester CPA firm that was owned by two women, who by virtue of their lack of male genitalia were awarded Federal auditing contracts, as they were considered a disadvantaged minority firm. One of the requirements for staff auditors (me) was to have two years of relevant auditing experience. The four years of field audits at the Mass. DOR that I had clearly did not meet that requirement. In addition, the only stipulation I had about this job was that I would be granted the time to go to two night classes, to which they initially agreed. Two days later I was informed via e-mail that I was now the lead auditor and that I would be spending the next six weeks in West Bumfuck, PA. I e-mailed my resignation the next day. I regret doing that and wished instead that I simply didn't show up as they required.

Reaction to Shank's tweet is pretty much split - click on the above tweet to read them, if you'd like.

Shameless Shank Shaughnessy - III

Not like we're gonna get a retraction by Shank, but this looks like the reason Belichick benched Malcom Butler for the game:

Writer at PFF reports Butler missed curfew, got caught with weed, had a meltdown on the coaches. As they say, big if true. https://t.co/NrKq3sh0Nm pic.twitter.com/TO9z6bNpcK

— Feitelberg (@FeitsBarstool) February 5, 2018

Shameless Shank Shaughnessy - II

Not content to bury the New England Patriots with a single column, Shank now trains his sights on coach Bill Belichick, practically screaming I WANT ANSWERS! like Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men.

MINNEAPOLIS — How are you feeling about your coach today, Patriot fans?

Still got “Do Your Job” and “No Days Off” tattooed somewhere on your body? Still blissfully living the life of “In Bill We Trust”? Still applauding the coach for giving the media the finger every time we ask Bill Belichick a football question? Still believe his decisions are none of anybody’s business?

I sense a crack in the blind loyalty the Hoodie traditionally receives from Patriot Nation. The Patriots lost a very winnable Super Bowl Sunday night in some part because Bill benched cornerback Malcolm Butler for some undisclosed infraction or violation of the Patriot code.

The only time this guy ever seems to get off his ass to bang out multiple columns in a 24 hour time span is to showboat and exact revenge, as he tries to do here.

UPDATE AT 5:47 PM - Lovely, and I believe a first time for this sort of thing - Drudge linked to this story. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

Shameless Shank Shaughnessy

Get a load of this fucking column. Shank was writing, facetiously or otherwise, for a fortnight that the Eagles would not present a challenge to the Patriots and with last night's loss he does a complete 180 degree turn, which should surprise nobody who's familiar with Shank's 'work'.

MINNEAPOLIS — There was no incredible Patriots comeback this time. Tom Brady and Bill Belichick had the Patriots in position to shock the world once again, but on this night there was no crucial call overturned by video review, no Tuck Rule, no goofy decision from the rival sideline, no fanboy judge or league official to flip the script in favor of the Patriots in the final seconds.

Hard as it is to believe, the Patriots lost the Super Bowl Sunday night at U.S. Bank Stadium and they lost to the better team. Philadelphia’s backup quarterback, Nick Foles, had the right stuff and second-year coach Doug Pederson outfoxed The Hoodie as the championship-starved Eagles won their first Super Bowl, a 41-33 pinball special against the mighty Patriots.

Here's Shank using the passive voice in order not to put any blame on himself:

After weeks of mocking Patriots opponents we have seen the Tomato Cans and they are . . . the members of the Patriots’ defense.

The Patriots trailed for almost the entire game. The contest featured only one punt (Philadelphia), and the teams amassed more than 1,100 yards of total offense.

If you're of the mind to read further, don't bother - it's the standard game recap and Shank doing what he loves doing - burying a local professional sports team after a big loss.

And Now For Some Super Bowl ESPN Bashing

It helps to have an editor so you don't fuck things like this up too badly:

Typical ESPN, one reporter tweets about tonight being the last game for Belichick and Brady, then Schefter goes on TV and says both will be back for 2018. #RightEitherWay #WhatAreYouActuallyReporting?

— Andy Hart (@JumboHart) February 4, 2018

UPDATE, 1:08 PM - Here's the tweet in question:

Right now on @espn NFL Countdown it’s brought to light about what many in the league have been hearing which this game could possibly be both Bill Belichick and Tom Brady’s final games. Both could be hanging it up. Post game could be incredible tonight if this becomes truth.

— Dianna Russini(@diannaESPN) February 4, 2018

ESPN - getting it wrong since DeflateGate!

No Heavy Lifting Required - II

It was only yesterday that I thought the run-up to the Super Bowl can make it difficult to come up with interesting themes to write about. It just got worse!

I'll bold the really stupid parts (which surprisingly, isn't the whole damn paragraph):

They make up the greatest quarterback/coach combination in NFL history. Five Super Bowl championships in seven appearances with another possible Sunday in Minneapolis against the Eagles. You could argue they couldn’t have done it without each other, but if you were forced to choose who is more responsible for the Patriots’ success, Tom Brady or Bill Belichick, who would you choose? We asked Globe columnists Dan Shaughnessy, Christopher L. Gasper, and Tara Sullivan to do just that. It wasn’t easy.

There's a reason for that - it's stupid, simplistic and insulting to anyone that follows sports. It's another lazy column template that Shank trots out a few times a year. It's also a hypothetical, so you're not saying anything of real value - it's closer to gossip than anything else. Did we ever hear similar arguments in the past (Chicago Bulls - Michael Jordan & Phil Jackson, etc.) or is the media just using a new and boring tactic to antagonize us again / still? You could just say something trite like 'it takes two to tango' and be done with it, not to mention your 52 other teammates that do the 'little things' like block for the quarterback, catch his passes, play defense and stuff like that.

I will give the man some credit - Shank thinks it's stupid, too:

Dan Shaughnessy

I hate the question. We shouldn’t have to choose. The fair, measured position would be to say that Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are equally responsible for the Patriots dynasty of the last 17 years. The Patriots coach is the greatest of all time. The Patriots quarterback is the greatest of all time. Call it 50/50.

But we can’t do that here in 2018. This is an era of click baits and hot takes. The barking dogs of sports radio and television serve as the soundtrack of our sporting lives. Meanwhile, a splashy story in ESPN suggested that there’s tension at the top of the Patriots pyramid because egos are clashing and there’s competition over who’ll get the lion’s share of the credit when
the history of these Gillette glory days is written.

So we are forced to choose and I choose the coach — by 1/one-millionth of a percentage point.

Well, he thinks it's stupid - until he writes his next column asking you who's better - Celtics or Bruins?

I don't even want to read the rest of it. It's another tired theme that makes me lose interest as soon as I see the headline.

One other thing - you know what's really gonna make you lose interest immediately? Tomorrow night's Super Bowl halftime show! I tried my best not to ape Shank and go all 'get off my lawn' on the guy, but I despise Justin Timberlake. This fucking no-talent boy band hack is famous for one thing, and that's his part in the 2004 'Nipplegate' Super Bowl halftime show with Janet Jackson, sporting one small breast (big whoop), and the NFL is chump enough to let him embarrass them a second time. He embodies just about everything that's wrong with today's music industry - bland, corporate, bereft of skill. The Social Network was among one of the worst movies ever made, right down there with Ishtar. And you know what's gonna make it all complete clusterfuck / world-class dumpster fire of biblical proportions? He's going on stage and doing one of his 'songs'... with a hologram of Prince, who's been dead for over a year. When you suck as bad as Timberlake, you need to pull out all the stops to ruin a sporting event as best you can. The really ironic part of this? When he was alive, it was reported that Prince cannot stand Timberlake, most likely because the latter is a no-talent hack.

This is going to be by far and away the absolute worst, shit on the bottom of your shoes halftime show in history. It's gonna suck big, hairy donkey balls in the worst way possible. If I wasn't doing my normal halftime duties (dishwashing at a friend's house), I'd be throwing knives & dishes at the TV set. I can't wait to watch this asshole's career evaporate on that stage tomorrow.

A Night On The Town

You think Shank's picking up the tab? Me neither.

Dinner at the Radisson downtown Minneapolis. #reasonable #wheresmarge? #fargo #youbetcha pic.twitter.com/DxRIZmKkZ5

— Jim McBride (@globejimmcbride) February 3, 2018

Get Yer Tinfoil Hats On!

Is there anything Bill Belichick can't do?

An illness has made its way around the Eagles' locker room, and Twitter believes Bill Belichickhas something to do with it.https://t.co/GQ5QUhyC2B pic.twitter.com/WYJfD361uC

— NESN (@NESN) February 2, 2018

You made them all sick, coach - could you at least do a shit-eating grin? Work with me here!

No Heavy Lifting Required

A week in the city hosting the Super Bowl can make it difficult to come up with interesting themes to write about. We have already witnessed Shank overusing the Tomato Can insult a few times this week (like that's a shocker) and now he trots out the overused 'Mount Rushmore of Boston sports' theme one more time, just to make sure that horse is dead, dead, dead!

MINNEAPOLIS — The statues have spoken. The best of our best Boston athletes have voted. And a couple of them are willing to cede the gold medal platform of Boston sports to Tom Brady.

“Tommy will go down as the greatest athlete in Boston history,’’ Bobby Orr said this week. “There is no argument.’’

There is always an argument when it comes to rating sports stars, of course. In addition to Orr, we reached out to Larry Bird, Carl Yastrzemski, and Bob Cousy. Larry and Cooz allowed that Brady might be the top dog while Yaz joined Orr in conceding that Brady is The One.

There's one very curious omission here, isn't there?

Here in the Hub of the Universe, we think we’ve witnessed the best player ever in each of America’s four major sports. Boston’s Jock Rushmore — usually identified as Orr in hockey, Brady in football, Bill Russell in basketball, and Ted Williams in baseball — easily beats that of any other city in America.

Provincial Shank - where have you been?

Williams died in 2002, and the ever-reclusive Russell, now 83, was unavailable for comment (proof of John Updike’s reminder that gods do not answer letters). But Orr, Bird, Yastrzemski, and Cousy, all cast in bronze, were open to the suggestion that Brady might be the best of Boston’s best.

“Boston’s had a lot of great ones,’’ said Yaz, MVP of the American League in 1967. “Larry, Ted, Russell, Bobby Orr, don’t forget Big Papi.

I'm sure Shank wants no part of Big Papi.

In case you're wondering, heeeere's Larry!

Bird, who was MVP of the NBA three times from 1984-86, submitted, “I have played with and against some of the greatest clutch players in sports, and Tom is right up there with them.”

Go read the rest of it if you're interested in this sort of thing, but Shank does this column enough times during a year that just removes the interest in it for me, and probably a good number of other readers as well.

Flashback Friday

The Patriots are about to play in their third Super Bowl in four years. Here's a reminder what Shank wrote a year before this run commenced.

DENVER — So there. In the end, it was about talent and merit, instead of myth and legacy. It turns out that an appearance in the Super Bowl is not an entitlement.

In the end, the overachieving, house-of-cards Patriots were simply not good enough to go to the Meadowlands for Super Bowl XLVIII. Not even close. The amazing part is that a lot of folks actually believed this team was going back to the big game.

Livin’ on a Prayer. Indeed.
...
But they are not good enough to win championships. When you have a roster of smurf wideouts, young defenders, undrafted free agents, and guys cut loose by other teams, eventually you come up against somebody with better players, somebody who is not going to wet his pants at the sight of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. It happens every year. Sometimes earlier than others.

The Rapier Wit Of Dan Shaughnessy

Or rather, the lack thereof:

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. If Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, it means one more weekend of Tomato Cans for the Patriots.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 1, 2018

Readers let him have it:

Shank Shaughnessy, Jan 11, 2010: “the dynasty is over”. Whoops

— Introduced as a team (@introdasateam) February 1, 2018

If the patriots play their game to their capabilities they will win but it’s not gonnabe as easy as a lot of people think. It never is in the Super Bowl with the patriots

— jerry kirk (@jerry_kirk) February 1, 2018

This schtickis so overdone it's unreal

— Michael McNamara (@jku14evo) February 1, 2018

Jaguars were not tomato cans.

— Donald Ichton(@barkingspaniel) February 1, 2018

For an accomplished writer, you seem stuck on this one topic. Is this a form of writer’s block or are you just trolling? We get it, the AFC sucks.

— shrikes03 (@shrikes03) February 1, 2018

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - LXX

The building formerly known as the Boston Globe's headquarters is about to get a whole new look:

Nordblom Development this week submitted detailed plans for turning the old Globe plant at 135 Morrissey Blvd. in Dorchester into what it's calling the Beat - a facility for "creative office, technology, light manufacturing, warehouse, and life science tenants."

Rather than tearing the building down, Nordblom would repurpose the existing spaces inside for the new office, R&D and warehouse space - as well as, the company hopes, a food hall and a fitness center, and maybe even a rooftop farm. Antiquated communications and HVAC equipment left behind by the Globe would be ditched and replaced with state-of-the-art equipment.

What a shame - there are no plans for a Boston Globe Hall of Fame...

Super Bowl Trolling, Part III, Act II

Looks like 'ol Shankaroni & the Globe got some constructive, positive feedback from the most recent iteration of the column he's written four dozen times over the years:

Second of a two-part series by @Dan_Shaughnessy on why the Eagles can’t win: Nick Foles is a good story — but it won’t be good enough. https://t.co/7RZPhbQ6w7

— Boston Globe Sports (@BGlobeSports) January 31, 2018

Wow. What a fresh, original take from Shank! #yawn

— Displaced Bostonian (@Ironhead334) January 31, 2018

Another predictable and boring column by the Tomato Can of Boston sports scribes. If the Pats roll he’ll pat himself on the back , if they lose he’ll rip the high chairs, fanboysand most of all coach saying he took Philly lightly. This clown actually looks like a 🍅 pic.twitter.com/SuSbE5S2Dh

— JediMaster77 (@mattsgry7) January 31, 2018

This is the worst thing I’ve ever read in my life

— Kyle Richards (@kylerichards248) January 31, 2018

You must be new here!

I don't like either team but this "journalist" is a hack.

— jasonfox (@jroc967) January 31, 2018

Feel the love...

Super Bowl Trolling, Part III

Shank's simplistic 'analysis' of Sunday's Super Bowl matchup conveniently ignores fifty-two members of the Philadelphia Eagles and cites one player as the reason they will not win the game.

Nick Foles is a good story — but it won’t be good enough

Second of a two-part series on why the Eagles can’t win the Super Bowl vs. the Patriots.

Part two: Nick Foles

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — Eagles quarterback Nick Foles has Calvin Schiraldi Eyes.

Not to be confused with Bette Davis eyes! Of course Shank needs to make a Red Sox reference in a Patriots column - and what a reference it was!

Take it from somebody who was at Shea Stadium in 1986 when clueless John McNamara kept handing the ball to Schiraldi, a forlorn Texan with a hard slider and a soft core. Just as you don’t want a closer with puppy-dog eyes, you don’t want your quarterback looking all sad and wistful. It projects weakness and saps confidence.

The matchup of Nick Foles vs. Tom Brady in Super Bowl LII is half the reason that the Eagles have no chance to beat the Patriots (the other half is Doug Pederson vs. Bill Belichick, which we covered in the first installment of this series).

Foles is a great national story this week. He is a once-traded, twice-released backup quarterback who’s going to start in the Super Bowl. He’s Rocky Balboa. He’s Rudy. He’s the Hoosier high school basketball team from Hickory. Gene Hackman is going to bring a tape measure to U.S. Bank Stadium Sunday and prove to Foles that the Super Bowl goalpost crossbars are only 10 feet high.

Let the rest of us know when you feel like talking about football, OK?

Super Bowl Trolling, Part II

Not content with rewriting the same column over and over and over and over, Shank now drags donuts into the equation:

Today is a day when bill belichick truly can eat nick foles for breakfast pic.twitter.com/zHojogtxQM

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 31, 2018

Super Bowl Trolling, Part 1

Shank's stepping up his game in an attempt to troll the fifth largest city in the United States.

First of a two-part series on why the Eagles can’t win the Super Bowl vs. the Patriots.

Part one: Eagles head coach Doug Pederson.

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson seems like a very nice fellow and has a serviceable NFL résumé as a player and coach.

“Doug Pederson’s done a great job with this football team,’’ Bill Belichick said Tuesday.

No doubt Belichick respects Pederson. It’s the professional thing to do. Pederson was an NFL quarterback for a long time and made his bones as an offensive coordinator for the Kansas City Chiefs. Now he has his Eagles in Super Bowl LII.

All niceties aside, deep down Belichick has to be thinking . . . there’s no way I can lose a Super Bowl to this guy!

And he’s right. Pederson is destined to join Mike Martz (Rams), John Fox (Panthers), Andy Reid (Eagles), Pete Carroll (Seahawks), and Dan Quinn (Falcons) as guys who lost to Belichick in a Super Bowl.

Some of the men listed above had a chance. Martz probably had a better team than the Patriots with his heavily favored Greatest Show on Turf back in 2002. Fox and Reid came to their Super Bowls as veteran coaches with impressive résumés. Carroll had already won a Super Bowl with Seattle and is actually a year older than Belichick.

How about Tom Coughlin, smart ass?

We've seen this too many times from Shank - any further commentary would be as repetitive as these rehashed columns.

Sweatin' To The Oldies

Or not, in this case:

The hardships of covering super bowl in minnesota pic.twitter.com/WBgmijRIXZ

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 29, 2018

We just don't fully appreciate the sacrifices Shank makes for us in order to rewrite the same columns week in & week out.

Some commenters had fun with it:

The thought of u in a Motel 6 hot tub is the most disturbing part of this post.

— David Foran(@daveforan1973) January 29, 2018

pro tip...the only people who remotely appreciate this type of tweet are fellow media schmucks

— Wooderson(@otoro7) January 29, 2018

The hardship is really endured by the people who have to look at you with your shirt off

— Justin (@JDodge22) January 29, 2018

That’s what you get for staying at a Ramada Inn

— Mont Hoyt (@monthoyt) January 29, 2018

This will simply give him more time to rehash some columns - oh joy!

And Now For More Boston Globe Employee Bashing - IV

Shank isn't the only Boston Globe sportswriter who doesn't like the New England Patriots or Tom Brady:

So Brady releases his all access documentary this week, then doesn't want to talk about it because it's a distraction? I believe that's called, "having your cake and eating it too." pic.twitter.com/LvbzDUnGQS

— Ben Volin (@BenVolin) January 27, 2018

Did Brady take a page out of the Trump playbook?

Exactly. Brady has smartly and hilariously turned the tables on the media which has filled past playoff runs w/ nonsense distractions targeted at the Patriots. This time, TB12 tosses out a brontosaurus bone for the mad dogs to gnaw at, giving himself space to prepare for the game

— Sam (@Taghkanic) January 28, 2018

Put words in Brady's mouth? Check:

he didn't call it a distraction, the reporter framed the question that way. C'mon. I know you work for the Globe, but surely you can do better.

— Theresa (@PatsFanGarb) January 27, 2018

I think the future's already here:

Ben Volin= Future Shank. Absolutely terrible. Will say anything for clicks.

— Jeff Joel (@JeffJoel) January 27, 2018

Will Shank Be Invited To This Party?

We'll find out in a few weeks - if Shank starts to be petty and vindictive towards anyone referenced in these tweets, we'll have our answer!

Going to Minneapolis? @985TheSportsHub will once again throw THE biggest Patriots Rally! Sat. 2/3 1pm-5:30 at Buffalo Wild Wings on the UM Campus! @FelgerAndMazz @ZoandBertrand @hardy985 @bigjimmurray

— Mike Thomas (@mikethomasmt8) January 26, 2018

THE PARTY!!!!! Get there early https://t.co/5oCJGVotox

— Zolak& Bertrand (@ZoandBertrand) January 26, 2018

Wide Right

What better way to write about the upcoming Super Bowl than to devote an entire column to Terry Francona?

Terry Francona knows Philadelphia sports fans. He managed the Phillies for four seasons and remembers when local enthusiasts slashed his car tires on Fan Appreciation Day at Veterans Stadium. He remembers a tender moment a few years later, after he was fired, when he hanging out before an Eagles game, helping a photographer pal who was taking photos of the Eagles and 49ers.

Bonus - Larry Bird sighting!

And Now For Some Shank Self-Congratulation

A modest fellow, isn't he?

I can see how this is going to go:
Titans Tonight.
Jags Next Week
Eagles with Folesin Super Bowl.
Could this get any easier?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 14, 2018

I hate being right https://t.co/vFZ5YJfZjR

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 22, 2018

And as usual, the replies are spot on:

Love to hear your prediction about the big game. Let me guess.....Pats right? Of course, Philly has no chance cause Nick Folesis their QB. He couldn’t possibly beat Brady and Belichick.

— Rondell72 (@RandyMichaels72) January 22, 2018

You hate being trite?

— Jim Curran (@jimoncapecod) January 22, 2018

It's not easy being you

— Scott Chase (@sancho3765) January 22, 2018

4 bye weeks!

— Christina Pazzanese(@cpazzanese) January 22, 2018

And the winner:

you play both sides of the story. paraphrasing: "Jagsare tomato cans, Pats will win". then "Patswon, with a comeback like they always do against a tough team"

— Buck Mulligan (@MuckBullockin) January 22, 2018

From The Columnist Who Stopped Tweeting At 20-10 Jaguars

Not a really tough call, was it?

FOXBOROUGH — If you’ve been paying attention all these years, you knew there was never any doubt.

These are the Patriots, and there’s always a great comeback on deck. It doesn’t matter if the Patriots trail, 28-3, in the Super Bowl, or look beaten when the other team is ready to score a certain game-winning touchdown from 1 yard out. It certainly doesn’t matter if the Patriots are trailing the surprising Jacksonville Jaguars, 20-10, with less than nine minutes to play in an AFC Championship game.

If you feel the need to let this asshole insult your intelligence any further, by all means go ahead and abuse yourself.

Just One Question

How will Shank 'spin' this game, seeing that he (and Felger, and Tanguay, etc.) was calling this good Jaguars teams a 'tomato can' team all damn week? I will note that Shank did not send out any tweets while Jacksonville enjoyed its 20 - 10 lead in the second half. It was only when the Patriots started their comeback that he tweeted this out:

Here it comes

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 21, 2018

Typical fake bandwagon douchebag, if you ask me.

What A Difference A Half Hour Makes

No one turns on a dime quicker than Shank:

It's 48 degrees here in Foxboro . . . Oh, almost forgot, Jags just went up 14-3.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 21, 2018

Funny - wasn't Shank and the rest of the Boston sports media dismissing them as tomato cans all of last week?

Jags just lost their minds. Like everybody that comes here

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 21, 2018

"If you don't like these opinions, I have others!"

More AFC Championship Trolling, By Dan Shaughnessy

Keep it up, Shank:

Jags win toss. Defer. Smart move.
But this one is still over. And like Tom's hand on Wednesday, it's gonna be bloody.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 21, 2018

Game Day Trolling, By Dan Shaughnessy

Shank continues to pretend he's genuinely on the Patriots bandwagon, and gives Scott Zolak yet another reason to hate him.

The Patriots are 11-1 lifetime against the JAGS, and it hurts me to say this, but the Jags only win came when my man Zo was Pats QB.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 21, 2018

Commenters then remind Shank of a few things:

That stat does not matter.can’t stand it when “all-time” stats are given. Those were DIFFERENT teams. Last years SB team? Diff than this yr

— Southern Masshole(@TheBillman5) January 21, 2018

pic.twitter.com/NZwMMkkdql

— DFS King Cash (@dfskingcash) January 21, 2018

There goes your one friend in Boston

— Steve (@stevew2867_cody) January 21, 2018

Gloating before the game even begins? This is where the term Massholeoriginated 😆

— Kevin Pereau(@kpereau) January 21, 2018

And the winner:

pic.twitter.com/XoCakHW0fV

— Andrew (@hartstone_a) January 21, 2018

DHL Dan LXV - Playoff Recycling Edition

Haven't we read this column before?

With Tom Brady . . . without Tom Brady . . . it doesn’t really matter. The Patriots are going to beat the Jacksonville Jaguars in the AFC Championship game Sunday at Gillette Stadium, and this will bother a good portion of America’s sports fans.

In the eyes of NFL America, we are the Evil Empire.

And we don’t particularly care.

Shank's 'firmly' on the bandwagon again.

Brady is listed as questionable for Sunday, which is a whopper even by the Patriots’ lofty standards of disingenuousness. It is a tribute to Belichick, Brady, and the organization that there have been no significant leaks regarding the circumstance of Brady’s midweek injury and his status for the AFC Championship game. The 2017-18 Patriots would have been the greatest POWs in the history of modern warfare. They give up nothing. Ever.

A tribute that Shank used to trash on a routine basis, until now / when it's convenient for him to do so.

You've already read this column a few times in the previous weeks - do so again at your peril.