Trolling the 'Trolls'

Saturday's beers turn into Sunday's whines.

See if you can pick out the ironies:

The CHB, complaining about unfounded criticism: "When did anonymous Twitter trolls become a representation of the collective thought of any region? Tough-guy social media cowards are the same folks who used to write on the bathroom wall in high school. It’s a mistake to give them voice and there’s no need for a franchise to apologize for anonymous nitwits who could be spreading hate from anywhere. Stop the madness."

"Nothing against Ty Law and Raymond Clayborn, but Bill Parcells deserves to be in the Patriots Hall of Fame ahead of anyone else currently drawing a breath." Ever heard of Tom Brady?

"The Celtics went 25-57 this year. So why do I keep hearing that just about all of the players are coming back?" How often do NBA teams keep their rosters? (Try never.) How often does Danny Ainge telegraph his intentions? (Same answer.)

"Surprised there was so little commentary last Sunday when John Farrell elected to 'rest' David Ortiz against the Blue Jays.The Sox are having trouble scoring runs." Papi is 38, has no knees, and the Red Sox are built to win with pitching and defense. Toronto, meanwhile, has scored the most runs in the division ... and is in last place.

"[T]he shrinking number of black big leaguers is probably owed to a dearth of college scholarship opportunities more than anything else. College baseball has become the domain of affluent white players from suburban communities. The NCAA allows only 11.7 scholarships for a college baseball team (football gets 85), which means that programs with rosters of more than 30 players are cutting almost all scholarships into partial packages. Skilled high school athletes have betters odds of acquiring full scholarships if they play football or basketball." Basketball gets...13. Do we really think that extra 1.3 scholarships is a difference maker? Moreover, those numbers are for D-1 only. Once D-2, D-3 and NAIA and JCs are accounted for, free rides for baseball overwhelm those for hoops by a count of 24 to 15. Finally, the NBA won't draft high schoolers. MLB does.

"Here’s Larry Lucchino mocking the Yankees in Fort Myers Feb. 21: “They are still, this year at least, relying heavily on their inimitable old-fashioned Yankee style of high-priced, long-term free agents. I can’t say I wish them well, but I think we have taken a different approach. If you compare what we did last year in the offseason with what they’ve done this year, there’s quite a difference." The Red Sox are 31 games into the season and the Yankees actually have the worst run differential in the division. Let's see where they are in September, shall we? 

"This is the trend [in public relations]. Control the message. Grips are overlapping (John Henry, for instance, owns the Globe, in case you had not heard), conflicts abound, lines are blurred, and true independence is hard to find." What's more important: independence or fairness?

"Alert to sports journalists: Time to stop with the “how” questions. They’ve become epidemic even though they are lazy and largely unanswerable." Right. But accusing anyone over 30 who hits a few homers of using steroids is good reporting, right?

Tough To Stomach

The only bad thing about this time of year is Shaughnessy covering hockey.

I couldn't agree with that comment any more. Shank's Friday column is, naturally, the Bruins 4 - 3 double OT loss to the Montreal Canadiens, so let's drop some names to make it look like he knows what he's talking about:

Paying homage to Bobby Orr, Maurice Richard, Milt Schmidt, and Guy Lafleur, the Bruins and Canadiens skated toward midnight in the first game of their 34th playoff series Thursday night. It was spectacular hockey and at times it felt like they’d still be playing when folks from Northeastern University lined up to get diplomas Friday morning, but it ended badly for Boston when P.K. Subban blasted a slapper past Tuukka Rask in the fifth minute of the second overtime.

Montreal 4, Boston 3.

Ugh.

This was a kick to the stomach. The most-hated guy on the most-hated team came into our town and won it with a blazing slap shot in the early seconds of a power play. The Bruins had outplayed the hated Habs for almost all of the third and fourth periods, outshooting Montreal, 28-12, in that 40-minute stretch. But they were beaten after Patrice Bergeron lost a faceoff in the Boston zone at the start of a penalty kill.

Throw in some inane comparisons, mention with fantastic glee the Canadiens' historical playoff success against the Bruins, and feign solidarity with Bruins fans:

And so, we worry.

He's not worrying one damn bit - he's busy pounding water so he can take a huge piss on the Bruins if / when they lose the next game.

Historical footnote - this is the DSW's 1,500th post - whoopee!

Color Him Wrong

In his assessment of the NBA's decision to ban Clippers owner Donald Sterling for making racist remarks, The CHB compares rookie NBA commissioner Adam Silver to that legendary MLB head Kenesaw Mountain Landis.

Ironically in a column about judges and judgments, Shank gets both the spirit and the facts wrong.

CHB: "Critics of Silver and the NBA raise legitimate questions about the NBA being late to the party in disciplining Sterling. ... Without the proverbial smoking gun, the NBA was neither encouraged nor empowered to remove Sterling."

Wrong. The NBA began fining Sterling for his various transgressions as far back as 1982, and in November 2009, Sterling agreed to a fine of $2.73 million, plus another $5 million in court and legal costs, to settle federal and local charges of housing discrimination. And that doesn't include the alleged witness intimidation charges leveled by police after Sterling's then-teenage son shot a friend in a dispute over a girl. The gun, it appears, was literally smoking. The bigger issue is whether the NBA wants to be in the business of firing its owners, a move that assuredly will diminish the allure of the franchises, since that it takes an already rare combination of huge egos and huge wallets to even get in the game, and those who attain both are not generally open to being told what to do.

But let's look at the comparison of Commissioner Silver and Judge Landis. Silver, and the NBA in general, have been the hands-down leader in racial integration and acceptance. The first all-black starting lineup? NBA. First black head coach? NBA. First black general manager? NBA. First black majority owner of a professional sports team? NBA. Silver is inheriting a long tradition of embracing minorities in every role.

Landis, by contrast, is probably the single most responsible person for perpetuating the unwritten ban on minorities in major league baseball. Even those critics who argue Landis was not a racist tend to agree that he did nothing to try to change the status quo. All Landis has in common with his NBA brethren, it would seem, is a title.

Given The CHB's well-documented stance on minorities -- "prima donnas" -- it is apropos he wrote this column. Given his track record, however, we're surprised he is taking Silver's side.

Compare And Contrast

Boston Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy, 60, one mile per day on the treadmill.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 62, half marathon in 2:36:46.

MIA

I'm kind of surprised that Shank didn't pile on with the release of the recent Donald Sterling tapes. Isn't Shank's occasional talent (I'll use that term loosely) for self-righteousness tailor made for a story like that?

Rewriting History - IV

The New York Yankees arrived yesterday to play a three game series against the Red Sox. Our Man Shank was there to focus on former Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury:

Let’s play Sports Jeopardy.

Answer: Johnny Damon, Adam Vinatieri, Ray Allen . . . Jacoby Ellsbury.

Question: Name four Boston athletes who performed admirably in championship seasons, then were booed by Hub fans because they returned to Boston wearing the wrong laundry.

Ellsbury’s handsome head was added to the Rushmore of Fan Stupidity Tuesday night when the majority of Red Sox fans in attendance gave him the old Bronx cheer when he came to bat against former teammate Jon Lester leading off the first inning at Fenway.

This guy says they were 'kinda sorta', 'half-assed' boos, so I'm inclined to believe that Shank's exaggerating here.

What's halfway interesting about this column is Shank's newfound appreciation for Ellsbury:

And in the distance, I could swear I heard Bob Lobel ask, “Why can’t we get players like that?’’

...

He’s never going to tell us if he harbors any bad feelings about his medical treatment from the Sox staff or the team’s indifference when he became a free agent last winter. It’s kind of admirable.

I wonder if he's ever going to tell us if he harbors any bad feelings about certain Boston Globe sports columnists?

Bunkered Down

The CHB is presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- Red Sox players spending the night at Fenway Park -- and, as usual, he whiffs, mightily.

It's a column filled with cliche -- "Buchholz pitched like a guy who should have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express"; "These are guys who give 'safe at home' a whole new meaning"; a tortured pun on Hotel California -- and the almost obligatory snark about John Lackey's weight and the upper bunk.

That's really the best he come with?  Fat jokes?

Switchback

Shank writes a column on the Bruins 4 - 1 win over the Red Wings that, while not exactly contradicting Saturday's column, is most definitely a 180 degree turn from it:

Did anyone seriously think the Bruins could lose this game, in this city, on this weekend?

It wasn't Shank, at least not before the game.

Our team. Our town. Our holiday.

The Bruins defeated the estimable Detroit Red Wings, 4-1, on Easter Sunday, squaring their first-round Stanley Cup playoff series, 1-1. Playing in front of the customary 17,565 — some of whom probably gave up swearing, drinking, and/or fighting for Lent — the Bruins came out in smash-mouth mode and took it to the visitors, erasing any ridiculous possibility that this would be the final home game of a dominant 2013-14 season.

Is this 'possibility' an answer to a question no one has asked?

Behind The 8 Ball

Well, the title of this post makes as much sense as Shank writing about Boston Bruins hockey, which is why it's done with such infrequency.

Shank took advantage of the Bruins' 1 - 0 loss to Detroit on Friday night to accentuate the positive things about this year's Bruins team and their run into the playoffs:

You knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

It doesn’t matter that the Bruins won the Presidents’ Trophy. That might as well be the James Polk Trophy.

It doesn’t matter that the Bruins lost only four times in regulation over the final 36 games of the regular season.

It doesn’t matter that Boston scored 84 more goals than its opponents, winning 54 games in a season that was mildly reminiscent of the 1970-71 campaign when the Bruins dominated hockey, then lost in the first round to a Montreal Canadiens team with a young goalie named Ken Dryden.

No. These Bruins don’t do it the easy way and the NHL — unlike other sports — makes it possible for you to play a tough team in the first round even after you dominate the field during the regular season.

I think it's called scheduling, actually.

And now with the Bruins tying the series with this afternoon's 4 - 1 win over the Red Wings, do we get a Shank column about the Bruins on Monday that completely contradicts what he wrote on Saturday? Stay tuned!

Overrun

Aw for chrissakes! (It's Easter; just had to get that in.)

The CHB thinks no one outside Boston had heard or -- or cared about -- the Boston Marathon prior to last year's bombing.

Friends and relatives in other parts of the country could never be expected to understand any of it. We were the only ones who acknowledged Patriots Day and found nothing odd about a major league baseball game starting annually at 11 a.m. on the third Monday of April. We were the only ones who knew Clarence DeMar, Johnny Kelley, Billy Rodgers, the Hoyts, and Heartbreak Hill.

Seriously?

Has he not heard the names of the past winners? Lelisa Desisa Benti? Wesley Korir? Geoffrey Mutai? How many of these folks grew up with the O'Learys and the O'Malleys down on Center St in Rozzie?

The last time an American won the women's division was 1985; the men's was 1983, or about the last time The CHB went to the can without a cocktail in hand. This is a major international race, watched all over the world, the first leg (get it?) of the Marathon Grand Slam.

And no, contrary to Shank's melodramatic prose, the Marathon does not stand as "a symbol of American freedom and a population refusing to cower to terrorism." That would be the Freedom Tower.

No, the Marathon is an event, not a monument. And healing will come when overwrought sportswriters describe it for what it is, and nothing more.

Rewriting History - III

Shank, as is his usual Tuesday gig, appeared on the Gresh & Zo radio show to deliver this absolute whopper:

“This start is somewhat predictable,” Shaughnessy said. “As I keep reminding everybody, they weren’t that good last year. They weren’t this dominant team that just steamrolled everybody. They were really good, they won 97, everything came together, they got super hot at the end.”

While I must note that Shank was careful in the wording of those statements, and with the possible exception of this February '14 column, I find no written evidence of Shank actually predicting, or mentioning, or hinting of a slow start prior to his Sunday column, and making what amounts to ex post facto statements of a slow Red Sox start renders the point moot, doesn't it?

As a matter of fact, Shank declared "Everything is Awesome" twelve days ago, and a glorious day for Boston the next day. He only started saying this stuff on Sunday, when the Red Sox were well into racking up more losses than wins. Once again, are you really standing on firm ground when, in typical Shank fashion, you jump on or off a bandwagon and make self-serving (and demonstrably misleading) statements two days later? Consistency has never been his strong suit.

Bruce Allen over at Boston Sports Media Watch must have lost a bet recently. He decided (or he was possessed by demons) to examine Shank's 100 most recent columns, the result being further support of the point made above - that Shank turned on a dime, wrote one column on Sunday pointing out the shortcomings of the 2014 Red Sox, then goes on local sports talk radio and basically misleads the audience with the barest mention of the timeframe in which Shank now draws this 'conclusion' of his. I sure hope some of the callers pointed this out while he was still in the radio booth.

Baseball's Instant Replay System

... is not currently in favor with Red Sox manager John Farrell:

NEW YORK — Those of us who remember watching Jack Nicholson Five-Star Nutties by Earl Weaver and Billy Martin feared those days might be over with the introduction of manager’s challenges and video replays in 2014.

Not so fast. Red Sox manager John Farrell got into it with first base umpire Bob Davidson Sunday night and was ejected for arguing a reversed call that went against the Sox. The disputed play provided the Yankees with the deciding run in a nationally televised 3-2 victory over the reeling (losers of seven of 10), last-place Red Sox.

Lip readers were pretty sure that Farrell told Davidson to do something anatomically impossible with the MLB replay system.

I have much the same reaction after reading certain Dan Shaughnessy columns...

Abject Nonsense

Today we are treated to Shank's conversation with himself over the merits of the Red Sox, some 13 games into the 2014 Championship Season.

It's a column filled in equal parts with the patently obvious -- "it’s very early ... put baseball on the shelf and check back to see where the Sox are in mid-June when the Stanley Cup playoffs are finally over" and plain old "duhs" -- "with each day that passes we are reminded just how hard it is to win 97 games and just how unlikely that championship ride was last October."

But there's also lots of crazy projections from the man who wouldn't know a sample size if the urologist dumped it on his head: "They don’t have a leadoff hitter. They don’t hit with runners in scoring position. They are running into outs, don’t have much depth, and a lot of the career-year heroes of 2013 ... have come back to earth."

And he perverts the English language with a phrase -- "abject genius" -- to describe the Red Sox front office (yes, that's the same group that put together last year's World Series winners), a description that is as confounding as it is ill-suited. 

Peppered throughout the piece are references to Simon & Garfunkel and the theme song from The Lego Movie. Perhaps The CHB should start channeling that song from Frozen: "Let It Go." 

Day Late, Column Short

Shank's Saturday column recaps the Thursday night usage of a 'foreign substance' by Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda:

NEW YORK — The problem is . . . everybody does it. Including the Red Sox. This is why Sox manager John Farrell was in no position to cry foul when the whole world saw the pine tar-stained hand of Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda in Thursday’s 4-1 victory over Boston.

Pineda was not “doctoring” the baseball. He was not using pine tar to make the ball do funny things. He was using pine tar to maintain his grip of a slippery baseball on a chilly night. Hitters actually don’t mind. There’s some comfort in knowing that a 6-foot-7-inch, 95-m.p.h.-throwing righthander has some control over where the ball is going.

Generally, you'd write about these things in a more timely manner, wouldn't you? Why not swap Friday's Ellsbury column with this one, or run the Ellsbury column before this series started? The Ellsbury column is one more suited to moving around, but the Pineda column looks to me like one you need to run sooner rather than later.

Rewriting History - II

Shank's Friday column takes a look at Jacoby Ellsbury, now a member of the New York Yankees. Now that the Boston Globe has finally dropped their paywall, you once again have the pleasure of reading Shaughnessy's unabridged works of art in their entirety. I'll just highlight the more amusing part(s):

Still, it would be great to have Dr. Charles Steinberg roll out an Ellsbury video montage when the Bombers come to Fenway. We’d love another look at his electrifying steal of home at Fenway against a stunned Andy Pettitte. We could watch all those homers (32) from 2011 when Ellsbury was runner-up for the American League MVP Award. Maybe we’d get another look at his four-hit World Series game against the Rockies when he was a Xander Bogaerts-like call-up at the end of the 2007 season.

Compare and contrast this seemingly affectionate tone about Ellsbury to that of a mere nineteen months ago:

Ellsbury has three homers in 62 games this year. He is hitting .268. Ellsbury is the greatest flight risk since Whitey Bulger, and the Sox are not going to contend next year with him in center field.

The Sox must trade Ellsbury this winter. Scott Boras thinks Ellsbury is a $20 million-per-year player. Maybe last year. But Ellsbury has missed 1½ of the last three seasons and is going the wrong way. He’s not even Carl Crawford this season. Trade the dude.

Back to today's column:

Ellsbury was a terrific player for the Red Sox any time he was on the field. The only problem was the slow healing and the long stretches when he was on the shelf. But let the record show that he played with a broken bone in his foot in the 2013 playoffs. And his major injuries came as the result of hard play — the collision with Adrian Beltre in 2010, and the shoulder-crushing play at second base in the home opener in 2012.

Jacoby Ellsbury, the terrific player in 2013:

We know the negatives. Ellsbury gets hurt and he’s slow to come back from injuries. He missed 144 games with broken ribs in 2010. He injured his shoulder and missed 88 games last year. Both injuries were results of collisions from playing hard, but he’s stuck with the image of a pampered baseball softy.

And when Ellsbury's not on the field?

Shank can't seem to write a story about positive things, like the Bruins' 3 - 0 win over the Pittsburgh Penguins last night, so instead he returns to beating the crap out of Jacoby Ellsbury. The reader is tipped off almost immediately:

This is not a rip job on Ellsbury. There’s no calling into question Ellsbury’s toughness or willingness to play hurt.

Then Shank proceeds to rip Ellsbury:

No need for MLB.com columnist Tom Werner to run to the keyboard and defend his player. Ellsbury missed the first two games of the Yankee showdown this weekend, but he’s played in 54 of 57 games in 2013. He’s practically been Cal Ripken Jr. Let’s call him Iron Man Ellsbury. Everyday Ells.

Nope, no rip job here!

Today's column is nothing more than Shank weakly trying to airbrush his previous columns on Ellsbury. I am becoming more convinced that Shank's being asked or told what to write, and in what tone to write it, when he does columns about the Red Sox. I believe his future columns this season will bear this theory out.

Opening Day

Shank's been unusually positive and upbeat in his past two columns:

Even in defeat, a glorious day for Boston

By Dan Shaughnessy

Living here is not easy. Sometimes it seems as though everything is a contest. It’s too expensive, traffic is unbearable, there’s no parking, and the interminable winter of 2013-14 makes every sane person wonder whether it’s really worth all the trouble.

And then we get a day like Friday and we are reminded why this is the greatest city in America. Even when the Red Sox lose.

Boston is a Hub of institutions, and a bunch of them intersected on the great green lawn at the corner of Yawkey Way and Brookline Ave. Friday.

Gathered in historic, heartfelt harmony, we had the Boston Fire Department, the Boston Marathon, Boston City Hall, the Boston Pops, the Boston Bruins, the Boston Celtics, the New England Patriots, the Dropkick Murphys, Irish stepdancers, the Boston Red Sox, and Fenway Park.

Oh, and we also had David Ortiz, a.k.a. Big Papi. The Man. The Myth. The Legend. Another Boston institution.

David Ortiz - a person Shank once called a "sad sack of you-know-what". Anyone think he's under orders this year to write one non-negative column every week or two?

Weathervane - II

Two days removed from declaring the second freaking game of the season as a 'Must Win' game, Shank does what he does best - turns on a dime, conveniently forgets every word he wrote in his previous column and declares everything's just hunky-dory in Red Sox Nation.

The beautiful noise never stopped, and Friday we celebrate 2013 one more time.

In our (expletive) city, before the Red Sox turn the (expletive) page.

The worst-to-first Red Sox won the World Series at Fenway Park on Wednesday night, Oct. 30, triggering a five-month baseball bacchanal that will finally wrap when the bearded brethren get their rings before the 114th home opener.

We haven’t seen these Red Sox in Boston since the eve of Halloween, when champagne flowed on the Fenway lawn and Bob Marley’s lyrics, “Every little thing gonna be all right,’’ blared out of the loudspeakers. It was quite possibly the loudest night in the history of the 102-year-old ballpark.

“There’s no way it can be that loud again,’’ said Friday’s starting pitcher, Jake Peavy. “No way.’’

Impressive hyperbole, from beginning to end.

The Must Win Game

... was won by the Red Sox last night, 6 - 2. Does Shank bother to mention this fact in his column, dated today?

Of course not - that would ruin the narrative, the narrative being - minimize good things about the Red Sox, maximize / overstate the negative things about them, all while walking that fine line in order to avoid being shitcanned by John Henry.

BALTIMORE — Enough with Selfiegate, Jenny Dell joining Red Sox wives on the White House lawn, and Jonny Gomes’s star-spangled sportscoat.

Let’s get back to baseball. What’s up with the Baltimore Orioles and why do the Red Sox seem to have trouble beating them?

Looks like the Red Sox didn't have any trouble beating them last night. It's more than obvious Shank had this column written well in advance of last night's outcome. Nice job, Shank!

Overreaction?

The 2013 Boston Red Sox lost on Opening Day yesterday, 2-1, to the Baltimore Orioles. How does Shank characterize their next game against the Orioles?

Wednesday night, however, just became a Must Win for the Olde Town Team.

Just a little over the top, isn't it?

Opening Spray

The CHB lays out his road map for how he plans to attack the Red Sox this season.

The early targets:

• A.J. Pierzynski, "a 37-year-old catcher who has been voted “most hated player in baseball.' 
• The pitching staff: "The Red Sox have too much damn for this season. ... [F]ive established starters and more big league-ready Triple A pitchers than any team in the history of the game." 
• John Henry, "a funny Tweeter and probably the best owner in the game." 
• Team management, "extend[ing] contracts even when the players have no leverage." 

and of course,

• David Ortiz, who is being paid "$48 million to make sure he’s still in the fold when he’s 42.

So here we go folks: Shank is all warmed up and in regular season bitching shape. Play ball!

No Bite for RemDawg

The CHB takes on the Jerry Remy situation. Sort of.

Remy, of course, is under fire in some quarters after his son allegedly murdered his girlfriend.

But in his column today, the The Bravest Columnist Joe Sullivan Has Ever Seen(TM), just recounts his Q&A with Remy; he doesn't actually offer a position on whether Remy should step away from the broadcast booth.

Revelation: John Henry is quoted as saying, “I’ve told [Remy] all of us in Red Sox Nation stand behind him.’’

The CHB's obligatory shot  response asserts: "Henry’s generous statements no longer qualify as the whole truth. It is beyond dispute at this hour that not all Red Sox fans are supportive of Remy staying in the broadcast booth."

Well, OK. But one would think a guy who's been in a sportswriting gig for 30 years would have heard of a generalization.

Center Field

Shank gets shipped back to Fort Myers for a few more days, and covers the situation with the Red Sox center field position.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — So how does this all feel if you are Jackie Bradley Jr.? What’s it like when you are old news, under the radar, and suddenly almost invisible at the age of 23?

“I’m good,’’ Bradley said Wednesday morning, standing in front of his locker at JetBlue Park hours before he was scheduled to start in right field against the Baltimore Orioles.

“It’s all right. I’ve got no complaints. I’m the same guy — even going through adversity like I am right now.’’

Everybody knows the situation. Jacoby Ellsbury went to New York for a big bag of money. JBJ was anointed the new Sox center fielder. The Sox went on record and said they were comfortable turning over the position to Bradley. It was going to be Xander Bogaerts at shortstop and Bradley in center. The dawn of the rookies.

It's safe to conclude that Jackie Jr. needs time in the minors to develop as a batter; Shank's just here to point out the obvious.

Harvard Homerism - III (Fin)

Harvard's run in the NCAA Championship ended with a 80 - 73 Saturday night loss to Michigan State, and should also result in Shank's run of consecutive Harvard related columns. He continues to speculate on Harvard coach Tommy Amaker's future, conveniently summarized in this paragraph:

Obviously there’s a lot of work to be done at Boston College and Donahue was unable to bring the Ivy Magic that got him to the Sweet 16 at Cornell . . . but BC is still in the Atlantic Coast Conference and can get NBA players (remember Sean Williams?) Harvard would not touch. A 48-year-old coach with ACC roots (Amaker went to Duke) who can take over at BC without having to move his family is going to be tempted.

Former University of Connecticut coach Jim Calhoun is also interested in the job, but it doesn't appear to be a mutual interest. Maybe Shank gets this one right?

Harvard Homerism - II

Because you can never have too many stories about the Harvard men's basketball team...

“Fight fiercely, Harvard!

“Fight, fight, fight!

“Demonstrate to them our skill.

“Albeit they possess the might.

“Nonetheless we have the will.’’

— Tom Lehrer, Harvard, 1945

SPOKANE, Wash. — It is a cute bracket entry — “Harvard” — nestled into the long left column, alongside the royalty of the sport from Florida, Syracuse, Michigan State, Connecticut, Virginia, Kansas, Villanova, and UCLA.

Harvard? For those who don’t follow college basketball, seeing Harvard in a bracket is more of a shocker than seeing the Shockers of Wichita State. It’s as if a guy named “Einstein” appeared at the NFL Combine.

Let’s see how you do on the Wonderlic, Einstein.

Safe to say this theme's starting to lose steam.

Harvard Homerism

With a 61 - 57 win over the Cincinnati Bearcats, Shank whips it out and shows us his Harvard hard-on.

SPOKANE, Wash. — Let’s start by dismissing the notion that Harvard’s 61-57 victory over Cincinnati Thursday was any kind of an upset.

Sure thing - #12 seeds beat #5 seeds all the time!

Sure, this was a No. 12 seed beating a No. 5 seed in the NCAA Tournament, and Cincinnati is among the 25 winningest college hoop programs in NCAA history. The Bearcats produced Oscar Robertson, won two national championships, and filled NBA rosters with rugged rebounders in the days when bag man Bob Huggins put the program on probation because of a “loss of institutional control.’’

Harvard has no such hoop history. Until 1981, the Johnnies played their games on the fourth floor of the Indoor Athletic Building (the gym was above the pool, and Princeton players complained that the Harvard players smelled like chlorine). In its first 111 years of organized basketball, Harvard appeared in only one NCAA Tournament, losing to Ohio State and NYU in 1946.

From there, you get the standard Shank wrapup - a description of the rest of the game and a few quotes from players. It might have been interesting for Shank to offer a reason or two for Harvard's recent tournament success (yesterday's column didn't discuss it either), but that would require additional work for Shank, so...

Faking It, By Dan Shaughnessy

Last week, Shank unconvincingly pretended to care for the New England Patriots. This week, he pretends to care about college basketball (with a local angle, naturally).

SPOKANE, Wash. — This is a big bowl of awkward.

Tommy Amaker is set to coach No. 12 seed Harvard against No. 5 seed Cincinnati in the first round of the NCAA Tournament Thursday, and when the Crimson lose their next game, Amaker is gone. He’s Jacoby Ellsbury gone. Harvard’s loss will be Boston College’s gain.

This is not official, mind you. Maybe Amaker can push the Crimson all the way to the Sweet Sixteen this year. Folks at Mr. Bartley’s are hoping Amaker will still be at Harvard next year, and the year after, and the year after that. Maybe he’ll be there long enough to get his own statue in the Yard, alongside John Harvard.

But I’m betting he’s gone as soon as the Crimson lose their next game. The Boston College job opened up Tuesday when BC fired Steve Donahue, and Amaker is the odds-on favorite to be taking his talents to Chestnut Hill.

If Shank feels like stepping up his weekly column output past the single column mark, and he writes a few more columns about college basketball and the NCAA tournament, look for him to turn his firehose towards Kentucky coach John Calipari (who Shank despises) and Louisville coach Rick 'Minuteman' Pitino, who destroyed the Celtics in the 1990's.

What Do You Mean, 'We'?

A noted hater critic of the New England Patriots suddenly changes his tune and busts out the verbal champagne over the Darrelle Revis signing by Bill Belichick & Co.

We never should have doubted the Patriots

The bloodthirsty critics (yes, me too) were ready to pounce. The Patriots would rather be right than be champions. They were more concerned with nailing the market and staying out of Cap Jail than with going for broke. They were going to settle for another Adams Division championship.

They were willing to let Aqib Talib go to the competition. They were more concerned with True Value than Lombardi Hardware.

And then, it all changed.

And Bill Belichick is a genius again. And the Krafts are right again. And the fanboys will scold those who would ever question The Patriot Way.

E Pluribus Bill.

Hours after losing their best defender to the competition, the Patriots locked up the best lockdown corner on the market on Wednesday. They got Darrelle Revis to agree to a one-year contract for $12 million.

Of course, he still needs to take a shot at Patriots ownership:

While Belichick and the High Chairs pat themselves on the back (nobody does it better), let’s not forget the added dimension of how this is going to play in New York. The Jets and their fans may never get over this. Rex Ryan is going to have to go have a bleepin’ snack. Gang Green is going to see red.

Stay classy, Shank!

Tankapalooza

Shank's first column in a week focuses on the Boston Celtics, who are looking for a high lottery pick this year.

The Celtics beat the once-great Pistons, 118-111, at the Garden Sunday night in front of a hearty sellout crowd.

Yowza. In Tankville parlance, we’d call this a 4-point game — in reverse. The Celtics move further away from the basement of the NBA and the Pistons inch closer to Boston among the bottom feeders.

And here’s a little fun fact to go along with the perverse thinking in the spring of 2014. Sitting on the Detroit bench Sunday night, inactive because of left knee surgery, No. 1 in your program, Mr. Chauncey Billups.

That name ring a bell? Billups represents all that can go wrong with tanking games.

Remember the Great Tank of 1996-97? M.L. Carr drove the Celtics right into the ground. They finished 15-67 (.183), easily the worst season in franchise history. And there was nothing subtle about it.

“M.L. meant business,’’ recalled Cedric Maxwell (No. 31 in the rafters). “He was the master. ‘You make a couple of baskets, young man? You are out of here. We are going down in flames.’ ’’

The Celtics went into the lottery with the best shot at getting the No. 1 pick. The target was Wake Forest center Tim Duncan, the best collegian in the land, a true franchise player. But instead of the No. 1 pick, the Celtics came away with the No. 3 pick. Instead of Duncan, they came away with Chauncey Billups. And that was the beginning and the end of Rick Pitino in Boston.

Losing for a purpose, dredging up past tankapalooza efforts, and mention of the two worst Celtics coaches (and one of their worst trades) in history - subject matter right up Shank's alley, because everything sucks!

DHL Dan - XXXI

Looks like the new pattern for Shank's picked-up pieces column is once a month, and it looks like Shank's still pissed off at stat geeks:

Picked-up pieces while unpacking from two weeks in Fort Myers . . .

■ Information is good. Every sports team can benefit from data. But why do I feel like there are people who want to erase all scouting and experience from sports? The eighth annual MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference was held at the Hynes Convention Center last week and drew a raft of A-listers from the world of sports. Owners, general managers, and even some ballplayers and ex-ballplayers are knee-deep in the data.

But can we just stop the madness and acknowledge that there are some things in sports that never will be quantifiable? And I’m not just talking about heart, character, makeup, leadership, and ability to play hurt and perform under pressure.

Hockey analytics? Really? Calgary hockey boss Brian Burke told the Globe’s Fluto Shinzawa, “I think it’s still an eyeballs business,’’ while explaining that he has yet to see a worthwhile numbers-based system for evaluating hockey players.

You know why he hasn’t seen it? Because it’s impossible to evaluate hockey players with data!

Yes, you heard that right - impossible. Goals, assists, ice time, plus / minus ratings - balderdash!

The rest of the column is just as insipid. Read at your own risk...

Lectured

Every now and then, Shank feels the need to lecture someone or some group. Today, we get such a column:

This is for you, coach. You know who you are.

As you advance in the tournament this winter, or as you prepare for spring sports, find a way to play everybody on your team. At one time or another. You know how to get it done. It needn’t be done at the expense of winning. If the score’s not close, empty the bench at the end of the game. Put those kids on the floor, on the ice, or on the field. They are working as hard as the stars and the starters and you have the power to support them . . . or to demoralize them. Do not abuse this power just because you can.

Dan Shaughnessy - master of the obvious!

Most of our winter sports teams have finished for the season. Only the best of the best are still playing, but the themes never change. Coaches have the power. Smart, caring, sensitive coaches . . . most coaches . . . know what to do. Unfortunately, there are still coaches who don’t get it. They are the ones to keep some kids chained to the bench for the entire season. These men and women are at best, clueless. But their methods can also be rooted in power-tripping, petty thinking, or in the worst cases, revenge.

Petty thinking and a thirst for revenge - does that remind you of anyone?

For Shank's Spring Training Columns, One 'Sizemore' Fits All

Today, the latest in The CHB's series on the potential Red Sox starters for 2014. And, just like the last, well, all of them, nothing new is revealed. Rather, today's offering on Grady Sizemore follows the formulaic (read: boring) format that Shank has perfected over the years:

• A recent anecdote
• A recounting of the player's baseball career
• A quote from the player and one or two other players/coaches/related personnel.

It may be dry in Florida, so I guess we shouldn't be surprised The CHB's commentary is bordering on arid.

Birds Of A Feather

Shank dedicates today's column to fellow asshole A.J. Pierzynski.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — A.J. Pierzynski. The Most Hated Player In Baseball.

I couldn’t wait to talk to this guy.

We're not really surprised by this revelation, are we?

According to a 2012 Men’s Journal poll, Pierzynski is the Most Hated Player in Baseball.

“I just laugh at it,’’ he said. “I think it’s cool. I’ve won it a bunch of years in a row. They just change the title around. They change a couple of words.’’

True. In various other polls, Pierzynski has been cited as “Player You Would Most Like To See Beaned” and “Meanest Player’’ in baseball.

“I think I’ve won it before so it’s just an easy answer,’’ he added. “But I think A-Rod took over for me this year.’’

Is there a trophy that comes with the coveted “most hated” distinction — something that gets passed along from year to year like the Stanley Cup?

“No,’’ said Pierzynski. “You just get awkward questions by media people every day.’’

As an aside, Shank's better columns tend to be the ones when he gets to focus on the overwhelming negative aspects of a team, player or situation. It's pretty obvious what his motivation is with this column.

Junior

No, I don't mean this Junior, but instead Jackie Bradley Jr., currently a second year center fielder for the Red Sox who hopes to finally stick with the big league club.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The first look was . . .

Underwhelming.

Jackie Bradley Jr. knows. He knows there are doubts about his ability to be a solid everyday hitter in the big leagues. He made it to The Show last year on the strength of a spectacular spring training (.419 in 28 games).

While the Red Sox were trying to dig out from the disgrace of last place and Bobby Valentine, JBJ became the smooth, sweet face of the franchise. He was the unwashed phenomenon — the antidote to chicken-and-beer and the train wreck of 2012.

I'm surprised to read that last part; it's really shocking for Shank to bring up negative things about the Red Sox's previous seasons...

Lineup

As Red Sox spring training progresses, we get closer and closer to starting actual games, like the ones against Boston College and Northeastern University on Thursday. Shank takes a column to consider the possibilities.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox hitting coach Greg Colbrunn doesn’t have a recipe for a new leadoff hitter. What he knows is that this powerful lineup that produced a league-best 853 runs in 2013 will look different, but not necessarily worse.

He can’t mix Shane Victorino with Dustin Pedroia and a little Grady Sizemore and come up with another Jacoby Ellsbury. Not possible. The speed, the disruptive nature of Ellsbury’s game, that’s gone.

Shank didn't seem terribly concerned in 2010, when Ellsbury wasn't in the lineup.

Ellsbury accounted for 92 of those 853 runs, fifth among leadoff hitters. But the excitement he brings, the pressure on the pitcher, and his defense are gone.

Dan was definitely excited the last time Ellsbury was gone from the lineup for an extended period:

It’s impossible and unfair to measure another man’s pain. Some professional ballplayers play hurt, while others wait until they are 100 percent before they step on the field. Jacoby Ellsbury broke five ribs back in April and he’s the only person who knows the extent of his pain at this hour.

But the situation with the Red Sox and Ellsbury has become absurd. The Sox are falling fast against mediocre competition and Ellsbury is still on the disabled list even though he’s played five games of minor league ball, and Sunday went 2 for 5, almost jumping out of McCoy Stadium in pursuit of a Durham Bull home run.

The only thing Shank will miss about Ellsbury is having a target.

Sizemore Matters

Shank writes his latest column on new Red Sox acquisition Grady Sizemore.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — How good was Grady Sizemore?

“He’s without a doubt one of the greatest players of our generation,’’ Cleveland general manager Mark Shapiro told Sports Illustrated in 2007.

“The best player in our league,’’ added White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen.

Sizemore was going to be the Next Big Thing. He was a center fielder with speed and power. He was a three-time All Star.

A series of injuries later, he winds up on the Red Sox and his anticipated role will likely be sharing center field duties with Jackie Bradley Jr. Sizemore hasn't played baseball since the fall of 2011.

Do you know what else happened in the fall of 2011? Shank helpfully reminds us:

He has not played a game of big league baseball since the fall of 2011, during the chicken and beer final days of Tito and Theo in Boston.

I almost forgot about that! Thanks for refreshing my memory, Shank!

Don't Bogaerts His Thunder

Xander Bogaerts is "as close to a sure thing as you'll get in baseball."

So sayeth The CHB.

He also sayeth, "The last Sox player who came to the big leagues with this much expectation was Roger Clemens."

Huh. Doth he forget Frankie Rodriguez, who was Baseball America's College Player of the Year and who led college baseball in homers and RBIs in 1991, and whom the Red Sox had to agree that he could play shortstop and pitch in order to sign him? Ellis Burks? Mo Vaughn, who like Rodriguez was a Baseball America Top 10 Prospect? Trot Nixon, the Baseball America High School Player of the Year the season the Red Sox signed him?

The last Sox player who came to the big leagues with this much expectation was Roger Clemens, and Clemens wound up winning 192 games for Boston," Shank says.

Wrong again. Two words: Daisuke Matsuzaka.

The Larry Lucchino Column

Shank wraps up what he refers to as the three day ownership blitz with a column about longtime nemesis über-GM Larry Lucchino.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox ownership completed its three-day media blitz at JetBlue Park Friday with Larry Lucchino playing the role of closer.

Asked about his Yankee enemies, Larry said, “I can’t say I wish them well.’’ He also playfully suggested that 79-year-old Bud Selig is not really going to retire, admitted baseball needs to speed up its games, and expressed delight with Jon Lester’s willingness to take a hometown discount.

It was the complete opposite of Lucchino’s introductory press conference last year when Larry morphed into Jack Nicholson playing Colonel Nathan Jessup on the witness stand in “A Few Good Men.’’

No one could handle the truth.

Remember last year? On Valentine’s Day, 2013, Lucchino faced the firing squad that assembled in Fort Myers to demand an explanation for the Red Sox’ worst season in 47 years. That was the day Larry admitted that the Sox’ phony sellout streak would officially end early in the 2013 season. Never smiling, snapping off a couple of terse “no comments,” Lucchino said, “we sense the frustration fans feel . . . maybe to everybody we have something to prove . . . We’re just scrappy underdogs trying to win for our franchise and fans.’’

A firing squad that included Our Man Shank:

Lucchino claimed he has not read the new book by former Red Sox manager Terry Francona and Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. "Francona, the Red Sox Years" has several unflattering references to Lucchino and his style of management.

"I haven't [read the book]. I know some people find that hard to believe. But it seems logical to me. I want to look forward, not back," he said. "I'm afraid if I do read it, I will find in it inaccuracies and things that will cause me to react to it in a way that would divert me and cause some kind of sideshow instead of dealing with the here and now. It seems perfectly logical to me not to read it. I don't feel any great compulsion to. I may get around to it sooner or later."

However Lucchino gave a terse "no comment" to two questions posed by Shaughnessy during his 31-minute press conference. He then answered the exact same questions posed by other reporters.

If Shank puckers his lips anymore, he's going to look like a blowfish.

Bipolar

Today's 'effort' by Shank focuses on just how aweseomely awesome the 2014 Boston Red Sox are:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — When you really start to think about it, the 2014 Red Sox are a lot like “The Lego Movie.’’

Everything is awesome.

Thursday was the much-anticipated first full-squad workout, and the entire Sox organization gathered for the first time since they all came down off the duck boats last November. The Sox released a photo of owners John Henry, Tom Werner, Larry Lucchino, plus Sam Kennedy, Jonathan Gilula, and Dr. Charles Steinberg sitting in Kraft-like high chairs, while general manager Ben Cherington addressed the defending world champs behind closed doors.

Obsessed with Patriots owner Robert Kraft much?

I don't know about you, but I think it's a rather small, petty man who feels the need to trash Patriots ownwership when he writes about the Red Sox.

And speaking of trashing ownership:

We’ve had executives on parade this week at JetBlue. John (William Randolph) Henry had his turn at the bench Wednesday

Now, is Shank lauding (falsely, of course) John Henry as the latest & greatest newspaper magnate, or the scumbag who defamed Annie Oakley with a false story just over a century ago?

Just to be on the safe side, Shank makes sure to perform a thorough ball washing:

While Tom was talking, Mr. Henry, the beloved owner of the Red Sox and the Globe, walked from the clubhouse wearing a black sportcoat, holding an umbrella over his head. It was hard not to think of Gene Kelly, Mary Poppins, or Ray Flynn in the Vatican, but Henry will get the last laugh when the rest of us are peeling sunburned skin off our necks.

And now, let's read about a product so profoundly awful it has to be given away:

The big boss no doubt was pleased at the sight of free Globes for everyone. Snowbirds from New England have been denied the pleasure of reading our vaunted broadsheet in Fort Myers in recent years, but this spring the paper is being printed at a site in Southwest Florida. Globe representatives are literally papering the house at JetBlue. Free Abraham and Cafardo for everyone.

Maybe the locals were lining their birdcages with something else the whole time?

The Mandatory David Ortiz Column

Ever since Big Papi's been making noises about wanting an additional year on his contract at the start of spring training, it's been the central story so far. With yesterday's press conference, and Shank somehow sitting right next to Ortiz, on his right (presumbably within strangling range), he finally gives us his two cents on the situation, and it's worth every penny.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — David Ortiz sees haters. And it motivates him.

Everybody can use a little motivation. Some folks do their best work in the name of love. Some do it out of fear. David Ortiz is driven by a notion that folks want him to fail. He reads something in the paper or hears a radio talk show host saying that he should keep quiet about his request for a contract extension, and he spins it into a regional repudiation of everything he has achieved in Boston.

Throw in some trademark Shaughnessy overstatement & hyperbole:

Ortiz, a Boston sports legend perhaps on a par with Bobby Orr and Tom Brady, wants another year tacked on to his contract and this has resulted in some criticism.

It's good to note that some people have learned at least one lesson from The Godfather:

I’ve been critical of the big fella since he went public with his request and when Ortiz plopped himself down next to me for the start of Wednesday’s presser, he said, “Good to have my friends close and my enemy even closer.’’

And No One Hates The CHB, Either

"Nobody in Boston hates David Ortiz."

So says The CHB today. My take: he's cutting this very fine.

For argument's sake, let's say Shank doesn't "hate" Ortiz. Great. So what to make of this: 
"[T]he Ortiz Problem."

Or this: "Big Papi ... is tone-deaf, selfish, and offensive."

Or this: "[Ortiz's] entire Red Sox career is a lie."

He's called him washed up: "Boston's big problem: Big Papi is past his prime, no longer everyday DH."

And a drug user: Older players "do not get better," and PED users Dominican Republic, just like Papi.

He's made fun of Papi's weight: "He is one of the most famous (and largest) citizens of New England."

He's even compared him to cow manure: "[A] sad sack of you-know-what."

"Big Papi loves to complain about his contract," The CHB writes. 

Almost as much as Shank loves to complain about Big Papi.


P.S. He also compares Ortiz to Bobby Orr and Tom Brady. What, not Larry Bird?

The Obligatory Shane Victorino Column

You kinda get the sense that Shank's columns are following some sort of pattern. I suppose the Ortiz and Farrell columns are waiting their turn in the lineup!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — In those final days of the 2013 baseball season, the Red Sox were the greatest thing since sliced Yaz Bread.

David Ortiz was the guy who hit the season-changing grand slam, then batted .688 in the World Series. Koji Uehara was the indomitable closer, better than anyone who ever finished games in the big leagues. Jon Lester was the playoff ace, John Lackey was Mr. Redemption, and phenom Xander Bogaerts was playing with the poise of a young man bound for Cooperstown.

But Shane Victorino was as good, and as popular, as any of the players who produced the magical postseason run of 2013.

Victorino is the one who hit the grand slam off Jose Veras to defeat the Tigers in the ALCS and Victorino is the one who broke open the final game of the World Series at Fenway Park on that amazing October night.

Shank goes on to recount that Series, Victorino's contract signing and Shane's likely use in the field & lineup in 2014.

There's also an important discussion of introduction / walkup music:

Victorino's Fenway walkup music, Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds,’’ forever will be part of the Boston baseball memory of 2013.

Audience participation peaked during the playoffs when Victorino would walk to the plate to “don’t worry about a thing,’’ and then step into the batter’s box while the crowd joined in with “every little thing gonna be all right.’’

“I would never change it,’’ Victorino said. “It’s going to be around. Pretty much my whole career in Philly, I came up to ‘Buffalo Soldiers’ [another Marley tune]. Day one before [last year’s] All-Star break, I changed it to ‘Three Little Birds’ and by my third at-bat, I could hear little sections of the crowd singing it and then it just carried on.’’

Almost like “Sweet Caroline”?

Damn - off by one column!

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXIII

Dear former commenter Bruce M*** - the Boston Globe is going somewhere!

It wasn't a particularly tough call, but a correct call nonetheless:

Red Sox owner John Henry will soon sell The Boston Globe’s sprawling, 16-acre newsroom on Morrissey Boulevard and move the broadsheet into a smaller facility, according to a report posted today on Boston Magazine’s website.

Henry told the magazine the sale of the property “will provide us with the ability to move into a smaller, more efficient and modern facility in the heart of the city. We believe that there is enough excess value there to fund very important investments in our long-term future, if the community supports development of the property.”

He mentioned no timetable or specific area in the city where he might move the Globe.

The resale value of the property — located close to the Southeast Expressway — long has been regarded as the Globe’s most lucrative asset. Henry purchased the New England Media Group from The New York Times for $70 million last year.

The next obvious step - shitcanning some deadweight!

Reader Melissa H. sends along this article (complete with a ridiculous, groan inducing portrait of John Henry), and notes the following Shank tidbit:

Some staff members have begun to chafe at their boss’s impatience and inexperience, though. After Henry bought Liverpool FC in 2010, Globe sports columnist Dan Shaughnessy made a habit in his column of asking whether he was spread too thin to effectively run the Red Sox (which was three years before John Henry bought the freaking Globe! - Ed.) (in case you’re wondering, McGrory says Shaughnessy has “the safest job in New England”). Now Henry has the Red Sox, Liverpool, and the Globe.

Is anyone convinced of that, except delusional Boston Globe employees like Brian McGrory who now kiss John Henry's ass so they're not the first ones on the chopping block?

The Obligatory Jon Lester Column

Shank turns his attention to the Red Sox pitching ace, who's in the final year of his contract. Shank speculates what could have been, had the Manny Ramirez for Alex Rodriguez trade been successful, for the 900th time:

There are several million “what would have been?’’ thoughts attached to the notion of A-Rod coming to the Red Sox and Ramirez going to the Rangers. It means the 2004 Sox season would have been a whole lot different. We never would have seen Ramirez win World Series MVP, and the Sox would have been the ones strapped with the shameful legacy of A-Rod.

Nomar Garciaparra would have been traded for Magglio Ordonez. There would have been no “Tessie,’’ no “Fever Pitch,’’ and no image of Ramirez diving and cutting off a Johnny Damon relay throw that was bound for the infield.

A-Rod and his purple lips would have set up house on the left side of the Fenway infield and we’d probably never have seen Orlando Cabrera, Edgar Renteria, Julio Lugo, or Stephen Drew. Cameron Diaz and Madonna would have come to Fenway Park. Biogenesis would have made deliveries to the Back Bay.

And Jon Lester would have pitched for the Texas Rangers.

Shank also wonders whether Lester was being truthful when he said he'd take the home team discount if the Red Sox choose to extend his contract:

“I’m not going to go back on what I said,’’ Lester said Monday. “I said what I said from the heart. I mean it. We’ll see where it goes from there. We still got a long way to go.

“It’s going to be a tough process. That’s why I tell those guys, ‘Call me when you got something.’ I don’t want to hear about the day-to-day of it. I’ve got to worry about the field. I can’t worry about that other stuff. It will take care of itself.’’

Any bets on the obligatory John Farrell column for tomorrow?

UPDATE, at 8:39 PM - recent developments indicate better odds for an obligatory David Ortiz column.

The Obligatory Dustin Pedroia Column

Our Man Shank keeps rolling with his third consecutive column in as many days, an interview with the Red Sox starting second baseman.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He’s 30 years old now. He’s the de facto captain of the Red Sox. He’s what Derek Jeter has been with the Yankees for the last two decades. He’s the everyday leader.

Most important, Dustin Pedroia is healthy again. Pedroia had surgery to repair the ulnar collateral ligament in his left thumb last November, and Sunday he made his first appearance in the Red Sox clubhouse.

“Everything went good with the surgery,’’ said Pedroia. “They put a pin in it for four weeks, but now the pin is gone. I kind of got a late start, but the rehab was great. I feel healthy. No setbacks. Everything’s great.’’

Pedroia has seen fire and rain in his seven-plus seasons in Boston. He was a rookie when the Sox won the 2007 World Series. He was Most Valuable Player of the American League when the Sox got to the seventh game of the ALCS one year later. (“A huge letdown. We were four or five innings away. You don’t want that feeling. Once you win, you want to stay there and be on top all the time. It gives us something to push for.’’) He lived through the final days of Terry Francona, the clown show of Bobby Valentine, and the worst-to-first redemption tour of 2013.

I'm sure he'll work in something from "Sweet Caroline" in the next column...

Familiar Subject Matter?

Prepare for the onslaught of Red Sox columns! Shank's in his second day at Fort Myers, Florida and we're treated to a theme that's probably near and dear to his heart.

World Series hangover has hurt Red Sox

As the Sox’ pitchers and catchers report for duty in defense of the 2013 championship season, we look back at the last five seasons after the magic years in which the Red Sox made it to the World Series.

■ 1968. 86-76. Fourth place in the 10-team American League, 17 games behind the first-place Tigers.

Shank then proceeds to chronicle the other Red Sox teams (1976, 1987, 2005 and 2008) that followed postseason success. It's noteworthy that Shank put a great deal of effort into this column, since the focus is on player injuries, losing streaks / seasons and general lack of success.

When the theme is a negative one, Shank writes his best columns.

Half Baked

Today we learn that there's snow in the Northeast, sun in Florida, and that the Red Sox clubhouse workers are hard-working and not paid as well as the players.

Thanks, Dan!

P.S. I was expecting him to dump on those players past and present who are habitually late to spring training (after all, when does The CHB miss an opportunity to rag on Latinos?), but it appears he is saving it for next time.

Picked Up Pablum

Shank awakens from his mini-hibernation to inflict another picked-up pieces column on the readers of the Boston Globe. It's unsurprising in its content - a jumble of random and semi-interesting (and some not so interesting) thoughts and opinions.

Some picked-up pieces while watching every movie that Philip Seymour Hoffman ever made . . .

Because when you want a movie review, always turn to Dan Shaughnessy!

The only thing to note in this 'column' is the occasional effort by Shank to rewrite history. In this case, he continues to pretend that he's never, ever, ever been part of the Roger Clemens' Critics Club.

Count me as one who would have honored Pedro Martinez and Roger Clemens separately for the Red Sox Hall of Fame. Nomar Garciaparra also probably deserves his own night. That said, the anti-Clemens backlash around here always has been over the top. In his pre-roids days, Clemens was a great pitcher for the Red Sox, winning 192 games in a Boston uniform, tied for first with Cy Young. He was also a charitable and giving member of our community. There is no measurement for giving back, but a few of our worshiped athletes got in and out of Boston with stellar reputations and did not do one-10th of the charity work done by Roger Clemens.

Interesting, Shank. Is this part of the 'over the top' backlash around here (December 14, 2007)?

There was much gum-flapping after the release of the report, and debate will rage forever. No one will be satisfied, but here in Boston and across Baseball America, we know the biggest loser of Dec. 13, 2007, was Roger Clemens.

The Rocket's résumé was flushed down the toilet yesterday when he was dimed out by a report that relies heavily on witnesses of questionable credibility. The report holds that Clemens was a steroid guy, starting in 1998 and continuing through two years with the Yankees (2000-01). The juicy disclosure might not hold up in court...

Or this, a mere five days later?

"The walls were closing in. Roger Clemens had to do something. Going all McGwire on us wasn't going to get him out of this one.

Fraud. Cheat. Liar. Hypocrite. Juicer. Clemens in the last week emerged as the five-tool player of the Mitchell Report.

First he was dimed out by Brian McNamee, a former trainer who had nothing to gain and much to lose (prison time) by lying to George Mitchell....

It's more than Mark McGwire ever did, but it's hardly a threat to sue the pants off Mitchell and McNamee. We are left to wonder when, precisely, comes "the appropriate time" for Clemens to answer questions. Will that be when O.J. starts looking for the real killer?"

Fast forward to August 24, 2010, when Shank fell for Clemens' now much vaunted 'acts' of charity, disguised as an act contrition:

Let me tell you the story of Clementine.

Clementine is a 6-foot-tall white teddy bear that sits in a shed behind my house. Clementine is 16 years old and a little worn around the edges. The big bear is dirty, moth-ridden, and has duct tape covering holes where stuffing would come out.

Clementine came to our house in a giant cardboard box delivered in a UPS truck in the winter of 1993-94. When the driver and I discovered that the return address was “Katy, Texas,’’ we checked to see if the thing was ticking. Roger Clemens was no friend of mine, and I was concerned the box might contain a Trojan Horse or some other mayhem maker.

No. It contained a get-well gift for 8-year-old Kate Shaughnessy, who’d just been diagnosed with leukemia. There was an autographed baseball from Clemens and the big white bear. Kate smiled and named him/her Clementine. And Clementine stayed in her room until she graduated from college.

So if Shank ever decides to lecture his readers about the meaning of 'charity begins at home', or why Roger Clemens is now such a great guy in his eyes, you'll know his definition of the phrase, and you'll also know why the about face on his opinion of The Rocket. I'm not buying his bullshit on this issue, and neither should you.

Losing It

If it weren't for the fact that there's always a losing team, Shank would have nothing to write about.

That's a commenter from one of Shank's columns a few years ago, and it's a perfect summation of today's column:

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — All year long it was about Peyton Manning. Leading the highest-scoring team in the history of the league, he threw an NFL-record 55 touchdown passes. It was suggested that he enjoyed the best year in the history of the quarterback position. He was Sports Illustrated’s “Sportsman of the Year,’’ and garnered 49 of 50 first-place votes in MVP balloting.

And so we came to New Jersey for the first outdoor Super Bowl in a cold-weather climate and all the talk was about Manning. Again. Super Bowl XLVIII was going to cement Manning’s legacy as the greatest quarterback ever.

No. Manning gave us Make Way For Ducklings. He was crushed, smothered, and shredded by Pete Carroll’s defense as the Seattle Seahawks demolished the Denver Broncos, 43-8, in the 48th Super Bowl. Manning completed a Super Bowl-record 34 passes for 280 yards, but it was like watching Carmelo Anthony score 41 in a 30-point loss. Empty, garbage-time numbers.

Manning was intercepted twice and lost a fumble. He didn’t get the Broncos on the board until the final minute of the third quarter, when it was 36-0.

Bottom line: The Broncos were annihilated. They were the embodiment of the Tomato Can Conference that was the AFC in 2013.

Dan, Dan, the Stats Can

The CHB mocks Peyton Manning and dances on the still-warm bodies of the Denver Broncos, and today's hit job offers a little something for everyone, whether they were at the game or not.

• Patriots fans are "yahoos."
• Roger Goodell is "lucky."
• Chris Christie blocks traffic. 
• And the AFC is the alternately the "Powder Puff Conference" and the "Tomato Can Conference." 

Let's focus on this last insult, shall we, since it's been a favorite Shank refrain all season.

In fact, the NFC "manhandled" (sarcasm intended) the AFC during the regular season, beating them in head-to-head games by an "overwhelming" (more sarcasm) 34-30 mark.

Oddly, in fact, only one NFC division -- the NFC West -- had a winning record against the AFC. Meanwhile, three AFC teams -- the Raiders, Texans and Jaguars -- each went 0-4 against their NFC counterparts. In short, the AFC's three weakest sisters were the difference.

Two AFC teams went undefeated against the NFC, and vice versa. And of the 12 teams that lost one or fewer non-conference games, it was split evenly at six AFC and six NFC.

So much for tomato cans.

It would have been relevant, if wholly out of character, had Shank mentioned the Broncos offensive line, which apparently was stuck in traffic and never made it to the game. But that would require 1) some football knowledge and awareness and 2) him to write his column without the benefit of five or eight hours of crushing beers in the "Seinfeldesque" press box. Not. Gonna. Happen.

No Rhythm in His 'Carroll-ing'

Just three years ago, Pete Carroll was a Shaughnessy punchline:

"Now 70 years old, [Bob] Kraft has been the face of the Patriots since Jan. 21, 1994 when he bought the franchise from James Orthwein. He went through some growing pains in the early years - announcing he was moving the team to Hartford, publicly feuding with coach Bill Parcells, and sometimes getting a little too involved with football operations. His first coaching hire was Pete Carroll.

But Kraft proved to be a quick study ...."

Fast forward to today, and now it's "Carroll was the victim of the Patriot owner’s learning curve."

Sorry to say, we remember the past. Here's what The CHB said of Carroll in 1999, while he was still the Pats coach: "Leaderless, clueless, simmering on the edge of mutiny, the Patriots lurch toward December facing a series of winnable games. "But it's hard to make a case for them. It feels like the window is closing in on the young, talented group that made it to the Super Bowl just before Carroll's arrival."

Huh.

Here's what's funny. Carroll shot Shaughnessy down in 2007, pointing out what an utter reject of a sportswriter he is: "It’s too bad you didn’t get it. You didn’t figure out what I could have brought you. You guys never knew. You never asked me any questions. You guys never figured out who I was. You never even asked. We talked about hamstrings and shoulders and stuff. You guys never did figure it out. It was terrible and it didn’t have to be like that. But all of that having been said, we were just a couple of football decisions from being on the other side of it.”

Classic.

Wonder if Shank still thinks the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl?

In any case, let's just wait for the column Monday, where he calls the Carroll firing Bob Kraft's worst decision.

DHL Dan - XXX

Shank has this habit of mailing in about half of his Super Bowl columns, and today he comes through once again.

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Welcome to Exit 16W off the New Jersey Turnpike; where the polar vortex was supposed to meet the Roman numeral; where sideline seats cost $100,000 and a 20-ounce cup of beer goes for $14; where you can’t be sure if gameday traffic might be caused by an angry governor.

Maybe you’ve heard, they are playing the Super Bowl outdoors at MetLife Stadium this year. They’re playing the game at the home of the New York Giants and Jets, in the state that gave us Frank Sinatra, Bruce Springsteen, and Tony Soprano.

It’s a nice matchup. We have the NFL’s best offense against the league’s best defense. The Denver Broncos vs. the Seattle Seahawks. The Broncos have been in six other Super Bowls, winning twice when John Elway was an old quarterback. Now Elway serves the Broncos the way Cam Neely serves the Boston Bruins and the old quarterback for the Broncos is Peyton Manning.

Don't waste your time with the rest of this garbage, unless you're a masochist. Anyone paying even scant attention to football already knows just about everything Shank talks about, and I don't see a single interesting thing in this column, which is the biggest offence a columnist can commit.

Dan Shaughnessy Death Watch(?) - III

John Henry purchased the Boston Globe in late October 2013 for $70 million, a deal I characterized back in August 2013 as a play on the Globe's real estate value, the sorting out of which remains to be seen.

For you Rush fans out there, Mr. Henry has now assumed control:

Red Sox owner John Henry named himself publisher of The Boston Globe yesterday and former Hill Holliday head Mike Sheehan as chief executive officer — a move that demonstrates Henry’s day-to-day focus on the broadsheet, Sheehan told the Herald.

“He’s going to be very active in the strategic direction overall at the Globe, which he’s eminently capable of doing,” said Sheehan. “It’s a reflection that he is going to be active. ... This is not a hobby.”

I don't care how rich you are - while I haven't studied John Henry's career in great detail, it should be self-evident that anyone who buys a company wants that company to make money in order (in accounting and auditing terms) to continue as a going concern. Based on a ignominious $1 billion loss and cumulative twenty-year record of financial failure in that area, I would trust that Mr. Henry has a plan that does not rely on the delivery of the dead-tree news model to affect a return to profitability.

Sheehan, like Henry, stressed the importance of the Hub remaining a two-newspaper town.

“I believe the stronger the Herald is, the stronger the Globe is,” said Sheehan, “and the stronger Boston is.”

Sheehan is also the treasurer of The One Fund Boston, the charity that raises money for Boston Marathon victims.

Henry declined comment to the Herald yesterday through a spokeswoman, but said in a statement: “My main role as publisher is to ensure that the Globe has the right management and that management has the resources to accomplish its mission.”

I'm not so sure about that. The only difference between the two newspapers has been the rate of loss, in financial terms, market share, or circulation numbers. I do not claim to be a businessman on Mr. Henry's level, but I have some thoughts on this matter and I would rather be mauled by Great White sharks in Wollaston Harbor than reveal them to management and ownership of the Boston Globe. That's just how I roll...

Editor's note - the Roman numeral in the post title has been included to reflect the number of times The DSW has used 'Death Watch' as a blog post label as speculation / offhand hope that John Henry, current owner of the Boston Globe, performs selective and specific downsizing of certain Sports section staff columnists and so-called associate editors. This may also replace posts formerly known as 'And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - ???', since the primary focus of those posts was to highlight the piss poor financial performance of the Boston Globe as an alleged for-profit corporation. In that sense, I suppose you could successfully argue they are now a non-profit entity!

Slightly Rewriting History

Shank continues his torrid pace, writing another Super Bowl column, this time focusing on Pete Carroll. You might remember Carroll as a former coach of the New England Patriots. You might also remember Shank's praise of Carroll from that era:

NEW YORK — Boola boola. Yahoo. Pumped and jacked. Pete the Poodle Carroll is in the Super Bowl.

I absolutely love this. Everybody loves this. We all love Pete and we will never forget his place in New England sports history.

Except that this lovefest wasn't always the case:

It took less than four years, but the hubris and blundering of Messrs. Kraft, Carroll, and Bobby Grier have created a team that can lose to the new Cleveland Browns by a hideous count of 19-11. …

Slightly less hideous:

As they stumble through a nightmarish middle season (four losses in five games, five in seven games) and we face the ugly, heretofore unthinkable prospect that the defending AFC champs might not even make the playoffs, coach Pete Carroll and quarterback Drew Bledsoe have emerged as favorite whipping boys for Patriot Nation.

For the past seventeen years, Shank has absolutely hated Patriot owner Bob Kraft, which I've never really understood, and Shank just wants to take a few more cheap shots:

Pete Carroll forever will be the Other Guy who coached the Patriots. He was the bridge (1997-99) from Bill Parcells to Bill Belichick. He was the one with the whistle around his neck when silly Bob Kraft (in the pre-Hugh Hefner days) was walking around with a stopwatch, talking about drafting “press corners’’ and interfering with his head coach.

It was the age of Amos Alonzo Kraft, and Carroll was the victim of the Patriot owner’s learning curve. The Patriots let Curtis Martin go to the Jets. Kraft turned player personnel over to Bobby Grier. The Krafts stuck their noses into the football operation and poor Pete was powerless to make things right.