68 Teams, No Harvard?

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column concerns Shank's outrage at Harvard being left out of the Big Dance.

It might amuse you to know that there were folks in Cambridge and greater Boston who actually watched CBS' Selection Show thinking that Harvard had a chance to receive an at-large big to the NCAA tournament.

They had a chance, it just wasn't a huge chance, but Shank writes a solid, spirited column with good points in their defense (Harvard's RPI, their defeats of BC & Colorado). For the most part, I agree with Shank, but the fact that two Ivy League teams have never made the tournament in the same year indicates it's tough to fight history.

Bonus shot in on John Calipari:

There's always going to be room for John Calipari, who has already had two Final Four appearances vacated, but there's no room for Harvard.

Good column, start to finish.

Settle Down, Beavis

Shank's third column in as many days focuses on Adrian Gonzalez and his first game in a Red Sox uniform. His over-the-top effusiveness and gushing praise for the man bring to mind one question - did Shank give this guy a blowjob after the game?

I am dead serious. Check these sentences out:

Some moments stand out in a lifetime, like red M&Ms sprinkled into a big bowl of vanilla.

There was the night the Beatles first played on “The Ed Sullivan Show.’’

There was the first moon landing on July 20, 1969.

And then there was Adrian Gonzalez’s first game in a Red Sox uniform yesterday at City of Palms Park in southwest Florida.

Who’ll ever forget it?

...

It was a fluid, loose swing. Pure butter.

...


Yo Adrian has the soft hands of Yo Yo Ma, hands of a confident hitter. The first swing, the first hit, was textbook stuff.

I'm sure Adrian Gonzalez is a good player, but really, give us a freakin' break, Shank...

Better Late Than Never

Just as I was wondering "Does Shank feel guilty cashing Boston Globe paychecks without writing a column in nearly three weeks?", he bangs out a pair of columns. The first one focuses on Ryan Westmoreland, the Red Sox prospect who had brain surgery last year. The second column specualtes on Tim Wakefield's role with the Red Sox this year. Both columns are decent efforts by Shank, although you might expect more after such a protracted absence. Must have been working on his tan...

Shank, Ainge On The Perkins Trade

Slaving over his keyboard, busting out his third column in two weeks, Shank talks trade with Danny Ainge, the Celtics general manager. It's a good column, as most of his CNN / SI columns are.

Near the end of the column appear an utterly laughable pair of sentences:

And that was that. The end of our debate. I walked away thinking about how I'd never have a conversation like that with Bill Belichick. It's easy to love the results Belichick produces, but it's too bad he's not more willing to discuss his moves.

Never will you see a more self-serving, disingenuous paragraph from Dan Shaughnessy in your life. Why, it's enough to make you wonder how on earth a nice guy like Dan Shaughnessy can't get a cozy, fireside chat with the coach of the New England Patriots. It's a damn shame, I tell you!

Item two is from mike's comment in the previous thread:

He has been spending all his time on the radio. I'm sure the mindset is, no one listens, therefore no one can criticize him or remind him he was wrong.

There's a reason for that. I tuned into his Saturday 11:00 AM - 2:00 PM gig on 98.5 FM with Adam Jones around 11:30 or so. There are two surefire ways to turn off radio listeners - be boring or yell & scream over everybody like Glenn Ordway does for four hours. I listened to Shank for about 3 minutes before having to turn it off. Shank's delivery was uninspired and monotone with a complete disinterest in discussing the NFL labor dispute, and gave off the overwhelming impression that he didn't want to be there. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who felt that way. Just turn the show over to Adam Jones permanently and be done with it.

I like writing for you guys, but I didn't agree to suffer painful boredom in doing it.

Blessing In Disguise

There have been no Globe columns from Shank in twelve days, one of the longest streaks on record. By way of comparison, Bob Ryan has at least five columns in the same span.

Given the time of year, maybe Shank's secretly working for a CPA firm, banging out tax returns?

Shank On The Perkins Trade

Blessing us with his weekly CNN / SI column, and his first column in a week, Shank doesn't like the Kendrick Perkins trade.

I hate the Kendrick Perkins trade.

And make no mistake; in Boston, this deal will always be the Kendrick Perkins trade. Jeff Green might be a young Antonio McDyess. He might someday replace Celtics captain Paul Pierce. But Celtics fans will always think of this as the Kendrick Perkins trade. I don't expect Green or 7-foot center Nenad Krstic to have their numbers retired, but even if they play well in Boston, this is going to be remembered as the Kendrick Perkins trade.

It's a shocker and a high-stakes gamble by ever-bold team president Danny Ainge. The Celtics were a conference-best 40-14 at the All-Star break. They were front-runners to make it to the Finals for the third time in four seasons. And then Ainge (one of the great talent evaluators of his generation) up and traded his starting center less than two months before the start of the playoffs.

Can't argue with that.

The Other Old Timers

Shank writes a good column every now and then. His weekly CNN / SI effort is one of them.

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- I arrived in Florida for spring training last week and the first order of business was visiting with Joe Corchran and Tommy McLaughlin, longtime clubhouse workers for the Boston Red Sox. The guys behind the scenes carry the institutional memory for every big league club, and time with Joe and Tommy is always time well spent.

"Did you hear that Ernie Tyler died?'' Joe asked.

First I'd heard of it, I told him.

"A big deal in Baltimore,'' said Tommy. "A very big deal.''

Indeed. Tyler first worked for the Orioles during their inaugural season in 1954. He was an usher at the old Memorial Stadium on 33rd Street for six seasons before he took over as umpire attendant in 1960. Ernie took care of the umps' laundry, their cleats and their meals. He filled ticket requests and arranged for cabs. If they needed directions to Pimlico, Ernie could handle that, too.

Since Shank covered Baltimore in his earlier days, it's safe to say he knew Ernie and writes this in honor of him. I'm not quite sure what to make of one of Shank's better columns comes as a result of an event like this one; probably because stressful events concentrate the mind?

DHL Dan - VII

Not a very tough call, mind you...

With nothing like that level of substance to talk about, when will we see our first genuine mail-it-in job? I'm guessing it will be the Sunday column.

Shank, naturally, does not disappoint (yet disappoints at the same time with over-the top schlock):

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Been here a week now, and it’s pretty clear that this is the greatest team in the history of baseball.

One hundred wins?

Easy. Why not go for the Mariners’ record of 116, established in 2001?

The 2011 Red Sox are the 1927 Yankees. They are Secretariat in the Belmont. They are the 1985 Bears and the 1995-96 Bulls. They are Nixon over McGovern in 1972.

It goes on like that for half the column. There is one good sign in all of this:

I have to get out of here

...before he makes more of an ass out of himself. Shank does, however, come back down to Earth later in the column:

Maybe we need to rein things in a little. Maybe it would be good to remember that the Sox will play half their schedule against the beastly American League East. Maybe we need to remember that injuries happen and that the Sox have an unproven kid behind the plate and a still-shaky shortstop rotation. Let’s not forget the inconvenient truths of Beckett (6-6, 5.78) and Jonathan Papelbon (3.90, eight blown saves) last year.

Nice of Shank to acknowledge reality.

Stolen

Shank's Saturday column covers Carl Crawford and all that it means to the Red Sox. Shank is fairly praiseworthy of Crawford:

Now he comes to Boston trying to make some history in a Red Sox uniform. Crawford is a Gold Glove left fielder who hit .307 with 19 homers, 90 RBIs, and 47 steals last year. He joins Adrian Gonzalez, Dustin Pedroia, Youkilis, David Ortiz, Jacoby Ellsbury, and J.D. Drew to give the Sox the best lineup in baseball.

You can make a case that Crawford was the big winner in NESN’s abysmal ratings last season. The Sox needed some splash and the acquisition of Crawford ($142 million), coming on the heels of the trade for Gonzalez, was done to bring the Sox back to relevance in a competitive sports market.

Be aware of what Shank said about Crawford shortly after the signing:

I worry about his legs. Crawford does a lot of his damage with his wheels and the horrid surface inside Tropicana Field no doubt took a toll. There is also his mediocre history at Fenway — a .275 career average and .301 on-base percentage with only four homers in 320 at-bats over 76 games. Fenway doesn’t seem to amplify his offensive skills.

On Tampa’s 100-loss teams, Crawford was the player who never mailed it in. With Evan Longoria and David Price still maturing, Crawford goes down as the most popular and best player in the history of the Rays franchise.

I included that second paragraph in the interest of fairness. I mentioned previously that Shank seems to write negative things in advance so he can say 'I told you so' in the event of a prolonged slump.

And what's with the similarity of columns the past few days? Do these guys hang around at lunch or dinner and share the same talking points they're going to mention in the next day's columns?

Fired Up

That's how you will not feel after reading Shank's column about Big Papi arriving at spring training. It's a decent enough column by Shank standards; maybe there just isn't a ton of things you can say about someone coming to the clubhouse.

Spotted in Steve Buckley's column, also on Big Papi:

Viewing the obligatory collection of misshapen media types standing off to the side, he laughed and said, “What’s up, (expletive)?” To one of them in particular, he leaned in and said, “Man, I thought you died!”

I wonder why that's in Buckley's column, but not Shank's?

And Now, Batting Fourth...

Shank finally gets around to the obligatory Jacoby Ellsbury column. Unsuprisingly, Ellsbury doesn't want to discuss the 2010 season with Shank (as we're lead to believe in the very first sentence). There's not much new ground to cover in the first half of the column, Shank having devoted a number of columns on the subject. I was expecting much more petty vindictiveness (Mark McGwire & Jay Cutler mentions notwithstanding), but we'll just have to settle for this:

Ellsbury stonewalls better than most. Maybe it comes from being a Scott Boras client. Or maybe the kid is just a natural. In any event, he won’t give it up. He wouldn’t even pinpoint when his ribs were finally 100 percent.

Why would that be, so Shank can trash him on something else?

With nothing like that level of substance to talk about, when will we see our first genuine mail-it-in job? I'm guessing it will be the Sunday column.

Just Buy A Restaurant, Shank...

That way you'll be able to stir as many pots as you want at the same time!

Not content with declaring Jonathan Papelbon gone at year's end, or dredging up John Lackey's 14-11 record last year, Shank now aims his cross hairs at Josh Beckett, in a rather disingenuous fashion:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Not to heap any additional pressure on the man,

Shank is just so full of shit, isn't he?

but Josh Beckett stands to be the most important Red Sox player as we look toward this season of great expectations.

Now, onward - to flunk his own logic test:

Sure, Kevin Youkilis is the soul of the Sox. Dustin Pedroia has been an MVP. Adrian Gonzalez could be the answer to Mark Teixeira. Carl Crawford brings new dimensions. Jacoby Ellsbury (would it have killed him to come here a couple of days early?) can be a star. Jon Lester is one of the best pitchers in baseball. Jonathan Papelbon hopes to return to his old dominant self.

So, Beckett's more important to the Red Sox this year than five everyday players, last year's ace, and your closer? And finally, a shot at Ellsbury. Shank's not disappointing so far. He hangs part of last season's woes on Becket before finally mentioning things Beckett did during the offseason to rectify things, then finally looks at the new year.

It’s Feb. 16 and Epstein is talking about an elite rotation and Beckett is talking about 100 wins. Don’t you just love spring training?

This is a textbook Shank passive / aggressive column.

More Spring Training Dispatches

This is Shank's busiest time of the year, belting out a breathtaking four columns in the span of three days. On one hand, we have a CNN / SI column on spring training itself, with Shank telling a few stories from yesteryear.

Today's Globe column focuses in on pitcher John Lackey, and his 'disappointing' season from last year.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — How bad was it?

Despite popular perception, John Lackey wasn’t a total meatball artist last year. In 33 starts, Lackey went 14-11 with a 4.40 ERA. He led the Sox with 215 innings and struck out 156. Only 14 American League pitchers won more games than Lackey. So how come Lackey gets the Way Back Wasdin treatment everywhere he goes?

I would say 'because of writers like Shank'.

Shank's strange / dishonest conclusion:

Lackey is a workhorse who almost always keeps his team in the game. That should be enough in Boston in 2011.

Then again, we all know it’s almost never enough in Boston.

Because of writers like Shank, of course.

Shank Talks To An Athlete

We know that's not a standing headline. Shank talks about Jonathan Papelbon's non-future with the Red Sox.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He’s gone. This is it. One more season and Jonathan Papelbon and the Red Sox get divorced. In 2011, Papelbon is the dead man walking (and striking out) batters on the Fenway Park mound. You can search long and far before you find a single soul who believes Papelbon will be part of the Red Sox next season.

This column's tone is pretty much the same as it reads above. It's more than garden variety pot stirring; he's pushing this theme pretty damn hard.

It makes you wonder - when does Shank start ripping Ellsbury again, tomorrow's column?

Welcome To Sunny Florida!

Shank is in Fort Myers on his annual baseball junket. Witness the smooth transition from provincial semi-snobbery to someone who got his ass kicked by seventy inches (and counting!) of New England global warming:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — There are so many reasons that it’s better to be in Fort Myers than in Boston today.

I’m not usually much of a weather guy. I always felt sorry for my parents’ friends who traded their drafty New England farmhouses for some pre-fab condo in a sterile courtyard near an orange grove and an Olive Garden in central Florida. It struck me as an unholy swap. I’ll take the snow and ice if it comes with a neighborhood, lifelong friends, and memories.

This year is different. Life has been too hard in the Hub. Give me heat and humidity, even if it comes with a Perkins and pawn shop on every other block.

Give me the warmth of the sun.

Give me pitchers and catchers.

Give me baseball.

You should be here, too. Here are just a few reasons why:

...

You won’t confront a snow-forced “faceoff’’ every time you’re on a secondary road and there’s a car coming in the other direction. The streets here are snow-free and wide. You don’t have to visit the body shop every time you bang into a wall of concrete/snow. Nobody calls for a tow truck if you park on the side of the road for a moment. It’s shocking for those of us who just got off the plane from Ice Station Zebra/Boston.

It's not a genuine Shank column without a random insult or two:

You might ask new slugger Gonzalez, “Yo, Adrian, what’s up with No. 28?’’ It’s not exactly steeped in tradition. It was worn by lunkheads Steve Crawford, Jeff Stone, and Doug Mirabelli. It was also worn by Jack Billingham, Diego Segui, Dennis Bennett, and Wilbur Wood. It was Joe Rudi’s uniform number during the half-hour he spent with the Sox in 1976.

Ice Station Zebra? Way to date yourself, Shank!

Fuck Shaughnessy, Hard

I'm aware that these are supposed to be the types of articles that this prick is renowned for, but I'm unable to stomach the thought of Shank lionizing a suicide canidate at this point of time. I will say this slow, for the 'Objective Bruce' shitheads that may be reading this. I had a younger brother who went through a quick depression (and a three day coke binge) and hung himself in depression after losing what he thought was the love of his life. Now I'm supposed to stand here and elevate Will above that?

Call me callous, but fuck Shaughnessy for this article. If you want to compare their ages (my little brother was 28 when this happened), maybe he has a point. Should we compare suicides at different points in life and decide what's better? The point I'll make is that it's a selfish act, and maybe shouldn't be forgiven.

A Stand-Up Guy

I can't say a whole lot about Shank's latest effort, mainly because he writes so infrequently about hockey, he's probably wrong when he writes anything about it. I saw the hit about ten times, and I thought it was marginal, because the hit was right at 90 degrees, or to Sawada's right side, not in the back like a boarding call. I don't think it was worth a four game suspension, but that's the sort of thing you argue about.

I will, however, steal this comment from the Globe's comment thread:

Who would know more about cheap shots than Dan "They Call Me Character Assassin" Shaughnessy?

Shank's Trademark Optimism

...is on display in his weekly CNN / SI article.

Hope you all enjoyed the Super Bowl last night. There won't be any football for a while.

Maybe a long while.

NFL fans have learned to live a few months without football. But a lockout? What will a lockout do to draft day? How will we live without offseason conditioning camps? Summer two-a-days? Those criminally-priced preseason games?

And what if there is no football come Labor Day? No Sunday Night Football. No Monday Night Football. No (gulp) Sunday afternoon football.

He reminds us of previous strikes, lockouts and other 'work stoppages' in other professional sports further on in the column. My interest in baseball has never been the same after the 1994 strike. I thought at the time - 'That's rich - millionaires going on strike'.

Baseball's darkest hours since the Black Sox Scandal came in 1994 when commissioner Bud Selig canceled the World Series due to a work stoppage. Refusing to accept a salary cap, Players Association chief Donald Fehr took the players off the field on Aug. 12, and on Sept. 14 Selig called the whole thing off. It marked the first time the World Series wasn't played since the New York Giants refused to play the Red Sox of the upstart American League after the 1904 season.

The baseball strike of '94 extended into spring training in 1995 and baseball owners assembled teams of replacement players. The fraudulent prospect of scab teams playing big league ball was stopped by a court ruling near the end of spring training and the real games resumed on schedule in 1995. But the damage was done.

I still feel a diminished interest about baseball since that time, but I'll acknowledge a more forgiving attitude towards football and basketball because those are sports that I like more. This means the NFL will weather this storm better because it's much more popular; I don't know how the NBA will fare if it stops operations due (like the NFL) to an expiring collective bargaining agreement. At first glance, the NFL and NBA situations share some attributes, are different in some respects (NFL - increasing revenue stream; NBA - not as much). Maybe it just boils down to one simple truth:

Owners and players are fighting over a pile of money they made by enticing fans with vicarious delusions of grandeur, just like the baseball players of yore.

Their humanity is merely a manipulative calculation fueled by the flames of greed and then superimposed onto all those who follow.

Mea culpa time?

You can make a case that baseball's steroid scandal was aided and abetted by the baseball strike of 1994. The national pastime was desperate to get fans back after the cancellation of the '94 postseason and this might be why we all looked the other way during the roided-up Mark McGwire-Sammy Sosa home run chase. Everyone was rooting for baseball to come back and the long ball was a big selling point. Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak and the home run chase of '98 were largely credited with "saving the game.'' We later learned that the homers were artificially enhanced. Rampant cheating was part of the post-strike fallout.

Somewhere, Shank absolved himself of this dilemma. I cannot find the article right now - help me out, dear readers!

I'm Out Of Ideas

...and we all know that means:

Picked-up pieces while sitting with the NFL commissioner, who says he’s still waiting for Bill Belichick to “tell his side of the story’’ regarding Spygate . . .

It's the expected subpar column as Shank treads water before Sunday's Super Bowl. Shots at various athletes / coaches abound, including Curt Schilling, Ben Roethlisberger, Deion Sanders, Bill Belichick, Lance Armstrong and Roger Clemens.

You're Both Right

Shank shakes off the past couple of snowstorms and comes up with another Boston College connection a few days before B.J. Raji plays in the Super Bowl on Sunday.

He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.

Actually, he is a little heavy. The brother of Boston College basketball forward Corey Raji weighs 337 pounds. And he’s playing in the Super Bowl Sunday.

“A lot of people don’t know B.J. is my brother,’’ said BC’s senior slasher. “Not everybody can say that their brother is playing in the Super Bowl. It’s just a blessing to have somebody that close to me in one of the biggest games in the world.’’

A good column ensues, mainly because he's not able to rip on
this guy.

Shank's Not Alone At Mailing Things In

This article caught my eye:

January 31, 2011
Rookie says Tiger mailed in final round at Torrey Pines

Posted at 4:12 PM by Mike Walker | Categories: 2011 Farmers Insurance Open, Brendan Steele, Tiger Woods, Torrey Pines

Rookie Brendan Steele didn't see eye-of-the-tiger intensity from Tiger Woods when he was paired with Woods in the final round of the Farmers Insurance Open at Torrey Pines on Sunday. Steele shot 70 en route to a T17 finish, while Woods shot 75 to finish tied for 44th. Afterward, Steele said that Woods appeared to lose interest in his round Sunday once he started to struggle, according to an article in this week's issue of Sports Illustrated.

"I don't think he gave it ?everything today," Steele told SI. "Once it started going in the wrong direction, I don’t think it had his full attention."

Throughout his career, Woods has been known as a grinder who brings maximum effort and focus to every shot on the course. However, that legendary intensity has appeared to flag at times, most recently during the second round at last year's Quail Hollow Championship, when Woods shot 79 and missed the cut.

Does this mean Tiger's done? Will we see Tiger pissing in fewer porta potties in upcoming golf tournaments?

Shank On Celtics / Lakers

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column reviews yesterday's Celtics win over the Lakers. Shank's back on the bandwagon, folks!

Clear Thinking Column

Shank pens one of his few hockey themed columns today, focusing on the most recent concussion suffered by Marc Savard. It's one of his better columns, with one candid self-assessment (and one questionable call):

I’m not much of a hockey guy...

Eric Lindros, one of the greatest hockey players of all time...

I wonder if the Globe will be sending Shank to Arlington next week to cover the Super Bowl?

Shank's Weekend In Pittsburgh

We've already seen two Shank Globe columns of, um, less than stellar quality while covering the Jets - Steelers game from last night; today he nearly makes up for it with this quality CNN / SI submission.

One quibble (emphasis mine):

PITTSBURGH -- We know the celebrity quarterbacks. Tom Brady has won three Super Bowls, is married to a supermodel and gets to meet Popes and presidents. Peyton Manning cuts that meat, wins multiple MVPs and occasionally is mentioned as the greatest ever. Drew Brees was Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year. Aaron Rodgers is Super Bowl-bound, the flavor of the month in January 2011. Michael Vick is infamous. Even Philip Rivers gets into the discussion.

And then there's Ben Roethlisberger, the double-wide quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

You don't think that Shank's implying that Big Ben is trailer trash, is he? Surely a resident of Newton, MA wouldn't resort to class warfare or a cheap stereotype of someone who may have had a tough, hardscrabble upbringing, would he?

Almost as important (emphasis on almost) - this site's resident snotty, pretentious gasbag Globeophile (there's a difference?) has just crawled out from whatever rock he's been hiding under to offer some rather underwhelming commentary. Color me surprised! Perhaps he can explain the vast chasm between the quality of his Globe columns vs. his CNN / SI efforts. Since that would entail thought and analysis instead of a reflexive defence of Shank, maybe I'm asking for too much.

Painful

That's my take on Shank's column this morning:

Did you watch or did you boycott because you believed the Patriots should have been playing?

Almost forgot about Parochial Shank - makes columns even less interesting!

...

The greatest comeback in conference championship history was pulled off by the Colts. Remember that one? Indianapolis trailed the New England Patriots, 21-3, then came back to win, 38-34, in January of 2007.

It’s always about us, right?

No, it's mostly about you...

On Again, Off Again

He's just trying to stir the pot with this column, but let's also look at recent history for comparative purposes.

Shank, today:

I’m in. I’m on the Jets bandwagon. I’ve been carrying Fireman Ed on my shoulders all over Pittsburgh, and let me tell you, he’s heavier than he looks.

Shank, September 19, 2010:

The Jets, meanwhile, are the blowhards. The Jets are the bullies who cower when the going gets tough. The Jets eat cheeseburgers at practice and laugh about it. They swear on camera. They bask in their status as the It Team of 2010. They have a coach who says, “We know we’re better than you and we’re going to beat the [expletive] out of you.’’ And then they go out on Monday night against Baltimore, commit 14 penalties (125 yards), and produce one of the worst offensive performances (six first downs) anyone can remember.

Shank, again today:

If none of these arguments bring you around, you should root for the Jets tonight because you don’t want to root for the Steelers. The Steelers and their fans are babies. By any definition, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is a boor. If he wins tonight, he’s going to his third Super Bowl, and that’s going to start talk of comparisons with Brady.

The Steelers have won two Super Bowls since the last time the Patriots won one. You want to see them go for a third?

No. You want the Jets.

Shank, November 14, 2010:

If you have been to Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers, you know exactly what I am talking about. If you’ve never been, maybe you’ve picked it up just by watching on TV. Pittsburgh is simply the cradle of the NFL.

The Steelers are about continuity, excellence, toughness, and tradition. They are football’s comfort food. You see the logo on the right side of the helmet and you know you are watching the NFL at its best.

What's tomorrow's column gonna look like if the Steelers beat the Jets today? Do you think he's already at work on that column? I wonder...

Shank Update

Adam Jones (98.5 The Sports Hub) says he's in Pittsburgh covering tomorrow night's Jets - Steelers game. Maybe he's putting in some overtime and we'll get two columns out of this? Think we'll see some, um, 'sampling' from this column?

Ain't Letting Go

Dear reader - you didn't think Shank was going to write a single, measly column on the Patriots loss, did you?

The Patriots’ season was a failure.

The rational part of our brain wants to congratulate the Patriots for exceeding preseason expectations and compiling the best record in the NFL.

But we're not talking rational, folks, we're talking Shank:

All good. But the reality is that this season goes down as a failure because of what happened Sunday. And because of what should have happened Sunday.

Shank, however, was singing a slightly different tune two months ago:

No one thought the Patriots had a chance to get back to the big games again this year. But this is proving to be a year in which anything is possible in the NFL and that includes a deep run by Belichick and the Patriots. The Pats play at home on Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. It's another gigantic challenge for the High Priest of the Hooded Sweatshirt.

Don't wait for Belichick to thump his chest and tell you what a great job he's doing. He's not going to admit that this season is a personal test of his football mastery. We know it's the truth and we'll have to say it for him.

Looks to me like Shank, as always, raised his expectations to unreasonable levels after Belichick & the Patriots ran the table this year, and now decides to take the annual dump on them for failing to meet those unreasonable expectations. Factor in the six draft picks in the first three rounds of next year's draft, and you'd think that gives reason for optimism next year. Like we'll ever see that in a Shank Globe column...

Two Papers In One - III

Shank's CNN / SI column looks a lot like yesterday's column, doesn't it? Take out the Belichick bashing, add in a few paragraphs quoting Rex Ryan, and voila!

How long before the CNN / SI editors catch onto Shank's act?

Off The Bandwagon

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will trash the Patriots after a divisional round playoff loss. Shank attributes the loss to many factors, most of them of the coaching variety:

The much-hyped coaching duel morphed into Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Grady Belichick.

...

The Patriots made a bad gamble on a fake punt that backfired badly before intermission and New England’s clock management in the fourth quarter had fans wondering who let Clive Rush back on the Patriots sideline.

...

Sometimes the Patriots are too smart for their own good. This looked like pure arrogance. And it worked out about as well as Grady Little leaving Pedro Martinez on the mound in the Bronx.

...and only one pertaining to personnel, although Shank didn't seem to have a problem with it while the Pats were winning:

...but the Jets pressured Brady and covered the Patriots corps of short receivers.

Like we were to expect something different from Shank in this situation? Not likely.

No More Hype

Thus spake Shank after a week long war of words. The column updates the latest trash talk (by Welker and Scott of the NYJ), compares this game to the Red Sox - Yankees rivalry, treats us to a few Shankisms:

...the greatest upset in the history of the Roman Numeral Game.

...the Auerbachian Belichick.

...and that's about it. As good a column as we'll see out of Shank.

Offensive

That aptly describes a few of Shank's recent efforts, but not necessarily this one. It looks like writing columns on trash-talking Jets players produces readable results, as this one is. Good on the Patriots for not getting caught up in this nonsense, nagging reporter questions notwithstanding.

Well, It's An Improvement

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column focuses on Seahawks coach Pete Carroll, his coaching career and the upset over the Saints this past Saturday.

Can someone tell me what the hell "boola-boola" is? I think it has something to do with being "pumped and jacked". Maybe it's newfangled professional sports columnist vernacular?

Nice to know Shank's on the Carroll bandwagon this year. Digging through the archives, however, Old Shank had a less than positive opinion of the former Patriots coach:

Pete Carroll: “… little more than a smarter, drug-free Butch Hobson …” Jan. 3, 1999, and “Papa Pete, the drug-free Daddy Butch Hobson of this southbound train …” Nov. 29, 1999

DHL Dan - VI

Not content with butchering regular columns, Shank slaps together a column purporting to be Rex Ryan and Bill Belichick sitting next to one another on an airplane.

This, dear readers, is a definitive member of the Mount Rushmore of Bad Shank columns. He might as well have started this column with "It was a dark and stormy night". Ripping off lines from "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" further serve to add to the epic lameness of this column. It is neither funny nor entertaining in any way, shape or fashion. I will not post a word of it here, lest I become accused of inflicting unnecessary pain and suffering on any readers. It took me two tries to read the entire column, having stopped halfway through in utter disbelief at what I was reading. I might understand this 'effort' as the second of back-to-back columns, but he had three days since his last column, and came up with this garbage? Shank must have a genetic defect that left his embarrassment gene out of his DNA during conception. I'd rather stare at a turd in the toilet for a few minutes than to re-read that column.

That, or it's a masterstroke at flipping off your bosses with this thousand word insult. Over the past week, Shank's writing has truly sucked.

Awful

That's Drew Magary's take on Shank's CNN / SI effort on Monday, when Shank called for cancelling further Winter Classic hockey games. The usual complaints about Shank are there - lazy + provincial + unthinking = awful. I'll call that Shank's Theory of Relativity. Not exactly as earth shattering as E = MC², but at least we have a working definition.

Having read (or not read) these columns for the better part of two decades, I just can't get worked up over a bad Shank column anymore. Maybe it takes a special kind of terrible column for this to happen, or maybe I just look at a column and can't be bothered to make the determination if this is a standard Shank column, a mail-it-in type, or the execrable type, as Drew mentions here. It's kind of like when I'm on the Red Line, and on the rare occasion get to sit down in a seat. I don't like sitting directly next to someone; I'll sit only if I have an open seat on both sides. Most of the time someone will go for one of those open seats, and 98% of the time I just get up and move. I don't want to make the split-second determination if this person has a fat enough ass that it plops over into my seat. I just say 'to hell with it' and bail out before it happens.

Other theories are welcome in the comments.

Now That's Just Mean

From the FARK Sports tab:

News: Boston sportswriter comes out. FARK: It's not Dan Shaughnessy

DHL Dan - V

Shank's Friday column covers the Patriots during their bye week. Don't bother reading it. It can be summarized as follows:

1) The Patriots are favored to win the Super Bowl.

2) Someone not named Shank interviewed Vince Wilfork.

3) Here are the results of the last seven Patriots playoff games.

I might be going way out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure most Patriots fans are aware of 1) and 3) already. There are only two explanations for this column - Shank is lazy, or Shank thinks you, the reader, are stupid and uninformed.

Great Game, Good Column

Shank devotes today's column to last night's Celtics win over the Spurs. Since both teams sport the two best records in the NBA, we won't yet hear from Shank how ancient each roster is, at least until they start losing a few in a row. Throw in a Larry Bird reference and some lyrics from a sixties hippie, and it's a standard Shank effort.

Retired?

Shank's opinion of the hockey Winter Classic - retire it. After acknowledging the first three as successes, weather conditions conspired to make the fourth Classic (in Pittsburgh) a comparative dud, most notably with Ovechkin falling down on an attempted slapshot.

While there's some merit in his argument, it strikes me as typical Shank - bail out at the first sign of trouble. His notion of ending the Winter Classic runs counter to this sentence:

If it's cold enough, I would be OK with any outdoor game in Detroit, Montreal or Toronto. Yankee Stadium might even work.

Average temperatures in these cities at this point in the year are 33, 23, 28 and 37 degrees Fahrenheit, respectively. So why not try some / all of these next venues, then decide if it's worthwhile? Probably because this column needs to take some definitive position, and Shank takes the easy, and negative, out.

Impressive Team; Column, Not So Much

Shank recaps yesterday's Patriots 38 - 7 win over the Miami Dolphins. It's an average Shank effort, chock full of absurd hyperbole ("Certainly the sad Dolphins would have been better off sending cardboard cutouts"), non football related comparisons (Sinatra, Churchill, Wade Boggs, etc.) and really lame song references (Hootie and the Blowfish?), all of which serve to detract from the column and make it the average effort that it is, maybe less so.

Meaningless Game, Meaningless Column

If you've ever wondered why I call this guy DHL Dan, wonder no more. This column could have been written on the back of a napkin. When you need to reference a century old MLB commissioner, a deceased actor and a vice presidential nominee with no logical connection to today's game, you have answered the following question:

Why invest time, money, and mental energy when none of it means anything?

Exactly how I feel after reading this column...

The Franchise

Shank puts together a decent column today, looking back over the past decade and writing about Tom Terrific's rise to the top. It helps to have decent material to work with, and Shank doesn't screw it up with "Brady Gaga" forced cuteness or other lame Shankness. There is one mention of 'the immortal Spergon Wynn', but it works in that context. Even more shocking is a mention of this song, perhaps begrudging acknowledgement that good music continued well after the Beatles broke up.

One quibble with the column:

He’s one of the most famous men in the world ...

And what was Brady a mere fourteen months ago?

Over here, he’s just a good-looking American football player who occasionally shows up on ads for Nike, Glaceau Smartwater, Stetson cologne, Visa, and Netjets.

London Fog?

That account belongs to Gisele. She’s famous like Jacko and Bono.

Tom? He’s not David Beckham, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer, Kobe Bryant, or LeBron James. Over here, he’s not even Serena Williams.

I’ve been checking for three days. Haven’t seen a poster of Tom. Haven’t seen Tom’s photo on the cover of any local newspa pers or magazines. Went to Waterstone’s bookstore in Piccadilly Circus Friday night and there wasn’t a single copy of Charles Pierce’s “Moving The Chains.’’ For that matter, there wasn’t any book regarding American football, though I did see the Beckham bio in which the uber-star rips the Braintree Sheraton.

In other words, Shank's full of it. Still a good column, though...

Still On The Bandwagon

Shank summarizes yesterday's beatdown of the Bills in today's Globe column. It's a decent column, but it's hard to escape the notion that Shank has no editors when you read the following:

While snow fell back home at Gillette Stadium, the Patriots put down the Bills, 34-3, at (makes you want to) Ralph Wilson Stadium, clinching the AFC East title for the eighth time in 10 seasons.

Stay classy!

Shank's CNN / SI column has him making a bunch of predictions, one of them absurd:

The New England Patriots think they are going to win the Super Bowl...

While there's the possibility he has inside information, I don't recall any member of the Patriots actually saying something like this in public this year, or this is just Shank making shit up & stirring the pot once again.

DHL Dan - IV

You'd think having four days to write a column would result in something that has a few halfway original insights, unique angles, or other items of interest. You'd be wrong:

Christmas in Buffalo. If you play for the Patriots, you cannot beat it. You get to hang out with Bill Belichick in the darkest, snowiest corner of America and then you get to play the Bills — a team you have beaten 14 consecutive times.

The rest of the column is as inspiring as this mailed-in paragraph.

Carry That Weight - II

Today's Boston Globe column finds Shank in a tough moral dilemma:

The Hall of Fame ballot goes in the mail today with check marks next to the names of Bert Blyleven, Roberto Alomar, and Jack Morris.

We won’t know who’s in until January, but this year’s ballot has some new challenges because the Steroid Boys are stepping forward in large numbers.

The Hall has a problem and it’s going to get worse every year. Baseball scribes are asked to weigh off-the-field stuff such as “character’’ and “contributions to the game,’’ and this clause puts us in the uncomfortable position of measuring moral fiber. The character clause is what’s kept Mark McGwire out of the Hall in his first four years of eligibility and it’s going to put Rafael Palmeiro and his 569 homers on the sideline when this year’s vote is announced.

Just when you thought you've read everything! Does anyone seriously believe Dan Freakin' Shaughnessy has a problem measuring the 'moral fiber' of professional athletes, or coaches? If Shank no longer opined on 'moral fiber', about one-fourth of his columns would disappear.

Other than that laughable statement, it's a fair read.

A Tale Of Two Columns

Compare and contrast - a pretty good CNN / SI article, and an average effort at the Boston Globe. At least in the CNN / SI article, he admits having an editor, but that's about all to note for either column.

What? No Blue Christmas?

Not content to write yet another meandering picked up pieces column, he even manages to choose weak Christmas music:

Picked up pieces while listening to Mitch Miller Christmas carols . . .

How can you not pick The King?

What follows from the dreadful opening sentence is the fruitcake of sports opinion columns. Feel free to regift this one!

Forget It, He's Rolling

I get that very impression after reading Shank's latest Globe effort, an effort whose quality exceeds many recent Globe offerings. I'm enjoying the positive / decent writing combinations right now (a whole week? Really?), as you'll never know how abrubtly it will end. I sometimes forget that the person who writes stuff like this:

We are 13 games into the 2010 Patriots season and it would appear that we are watching Bill Belichick paint his Sistine Chapel. He is a real man of genius with plenty of masterpieces on his résumé, but this one is looking like the best of them all. I’m betting he likes this team more than the undefeated warriors of 2007.

...used to write stuff like that not too long ago:

Unfortunately, New England’s easy win, coupled with the Jets’ pitiful performance, has righted the football universe and now most prognosticators believe the Patriots will stuff the Jets in their new stadium this weekend. Belichick has lost some of his motivational weaponry.

The Patriots are all about spin and staying on message, and it does not serve the cause to have Belichick stand at the podium on Wednesday of Jets week and hear, “Given how poorly Mark Sanchez played Monday night, how do you prevent your defense from taking him lightly?’’

Old Laughing Boy didn’t like that one, not one bit. He’s best served when surrounded by doubters and lightweights buying into the myth of Jet supremacy.

“When you are out there playing against these guys, there’s a certain level of intensity that these rivalries bring out,’’ said Brady. “And it’s not just another road game for us. They’re a division opponent. We know how hard it is playing a division opponent on the road.’’

Division opponent. I love that one. It’s so understated. The Jets are a divisional opponent the way the Yankees are a divisional opponent.

Has Shank Ever Quoted The Who?

I might think more of him if that was the case, as I was reading Shank's latest CNN / SI offering, hopping on the Celtics bandwagon. Comparing February's link (below, also CNN / SI), I'm not sold on Shank's reasoning. Is this year's bench that much better to be able to deliver the starters enough rest to do what Shank thinks is possible? I think that's the only question here. Shank doesn't ask it.

Meet the new Celts, same as the old Celts, Shank?

Early Xmas At Fenway

Shank expands on the Carl Crawford signing at yesterday's Fenway introduction. It's a standard Shank effort, complete with a shot at Jacoby Ellsbury. I mean, you have to have at least one current Red Sox player to take shots at, right! It's probably a clause in Shank's contract.

I'm stealing this thought from one of the commenters at the Globe (following Shank's quotes):

He is a superior athlete who is not particularly fluid nor graceful. His swing is on the choppy side. But he gets the job done. And Sox fans are going to like his defense.

I worry about his legs. Crawford does a lot of his damage with his wheels and the horrid surface inside Tropicana Field no doubt took a toll. There is also his mediocre history at Fenway — a .275 career average and .301 on-base percentage with only four homers in 320 at-bats over 76 games. Fenway doesn’t seem to amplify his offensive skills.

This is a common tactic for Shank - marking his territory in advance. When Crawford goes into a slump, or otherwise doesn't perform, Shank can fall back on this article (and rip a huge money, long-term deal) and say 'I told you so'. If the subject concerns Shank's disclaimers that he's now cool with players being 'overpaid' (and then he won't be cool with it the first time he jumps on Crawford), that part will be simply ignored or not mentioned by him.

Shank writes the following:

Across Baseball America, this signing makes folks hate the Red Sox more than ever. The Sox for years have presented themselves as a middle-market franchise, crying about the Yankees’ ability to buy championships. Signing Crawford, especially on the heels of trading for Adrian Gonzalez, merely confirms what we already knew: The Red Sox can get any player they want. Even Mark Teixeira.

Here's a question - does that paragraph remind you of this paragraph?

This assures that the rest of sporting America is going to hate us more than ever. The Sox-Yankees rivalry dominated the first half of this decade, and baseball fans outside of Boston and New York got sick of our quest to overthrow the Evil Empire. Now the Boston-New York war is back with a vengeance, and the Red Sox have become the Yankees.

If you're going to be a lazy writer, you might as well go all in and just reuse entire columns!

Speaking of which (or, in the At Last I Admit It When I'm Stealing From Others Dept.):

On the other side of the Atlantic, there may be carping about John Henry pouring all of his available dollars into his baseball operation. No doubt Liverpool fans would rather see money spent on Henry’s futbol team.

Interesting observation - is this a) a remarkable coincidence, or b) a theme shamelessy lifted from the Wall Street Journal on Friday? You make the call!

P.S. If you run into the registration screens at boston.com like I did this morning, just use Firefox (or another non-IE browser) or clear your temporary files, kill IE and start it again. I didn't have to delete cookies to resolve this one, but it's possible you may have to.

Shiny Happy Person

Yesterday's Globe column has Shank practically busting a nut:

Adrian Gonzalez on Monday. Carl Crawford on Wednesday. In between those acquisitions, we had Bill Belichick and Tom Brady (best record in the conference) blistering the Blowhard Jets on “Monday Night Football’’ and a Celtic edition (best record in the conference) with four or five Hall of Famers dismissing the Denver Nuggets on ESPN.

This is New England professional sports in December 2010, and it is downright ridiculous. It’s a glut of talent, success, and celebrity, and no American city has seen anything like it.

In other words, forget everything I've said about these teams in the past few months! There's no better example of Weathervane Dan than this column.

Onward for more statements with expiration dates:

I take back everything I was thinking about John Henry losing interest and commitment after buying a soccer team. I hereby purge “run prevention’’ and “bridge’’ from my laptop. I shall mock NESN no more. The Red Sox once again are hotter than Jonathan Kraft’s temper and might get ratings for PFP (pitcher’s fielding practice) come late February. Truck Day can’t come soon enough.

The over / under bets start at 4 months.

Shank finishes off his column with a few predictions, which should make all of us nervous:

No more crying about the Yankees. Your team has become the Yankees. Sit back and enjoy it while you wait for the Patriots in Super Bowl XLV and the Celtics and Heat in the Eastern Conference finals.

It's A Twofer - III

Today we are blessed (if that's the right word) with two columns by the Boston Globe's bravest sports columnist. Writing at CNN / SI, Shank replaces his desire to sign Derek Jeter with the lauding of landing Adrian Gonzalez.

Suddenly, the Red Sox are back. Hours before one the biggest regular-season games in the history of the New England Patriots (more important than the Super Bowl? - ed.), the Sox put themselves back into the sports discussions in New England. Loyal legions of Sox rooters have been hungry for Gonzalez for a couple of years and finally it looks like Boston has found the guy they lost when Teixeira went to the hated Yankees.

The second column, from the Globe, is a straightforward recap of the thrashing of the Jets, 45 - 3, by the New England Patriots. Thankfully, we are spared the 'Brady Gaga' lameness, but naturally Shank cannot resist another dig at Danny Woodhead:

Think Danny Woodhead is happy today? The Jets cut New England’s lovable end table in September. In an ultimate act of revenge that typified Patriot Monday, the 5-foot-7-inch Woodhead collected 115 all-purpose yards against the team that told him he wasn’t good enough.

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself one question, perhaps unprofessionally - what the fuck is wrong with Shaughnessy? Woodhead has a career game, and the only way Shank can find to describe him is an end table, then the obligatory umpteenth reference to his height? I'm positive this isn't a term of endearment. Then again, I'm also positive there are few terms of endearment to describe Shank.

A View To A Chill

Just caught Shank on the local Comcast Sports / N.E postgame show after the Patriots 45-3 win over the Jets. He looked a little cold on the Patriots field after the game (as 25 degree weather is wont to do) as it looked like he needed an extra layer underneath the wool coat (or maybe one of these Russian comrade hats). Shank and fellow pessimist Michael Felger both reluctantly agreed that its the Patriots holding the upper hand as the playoff hunt progresses.

Comments on his CNN / SI column tomorrow.

Finally, Let's Mail One In

Six days after his last column, Shank delivers a Monday column dedicated to tonight's Jets / Patriots game. You may expect a quality column full of insights and meaningful facts, given all this time to prepare a column. You'd be wrong.

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady — the Red Auerbach and Bill Russell of our 21st century football renaissance — have done their best to remind us that this is just another game.

...

He’s right, of course. This is not the Super Bowl.

It’s bigger.

You read that right - tonight's regular season game is bigger then the Super Bowl, one of the most idiotic statements Shank's made in a while. Nearly the entire column is filled with bluster and mail it in statements that are obvious to the casual fan; some more then a year old and previously used by Shank umpteen times. End the column with hackeneyed half-quoted lyrics by James Taylor and Springsteen, and you have a column not worth reading past the first sentence.

Bad Idea Jeans

Missed this one on Tuesday.

I understand that everyone can have a bad day, or a bad column. This is one of those columns. At least he has the decency to attribute the original idea to someone else, and there's a word bonus (fortnight):

The Globe’s intrepid Peter Abraham floated the idea in a blog back on Nov. 18.

What if the Red Sox decided to make Derek Jeter a contract offer? Abraham framed his piece in sheer speculation. He was just having a little fun. He wanted to know if Sox fans would tolerate such a notion.

Further down, we have this:

Which brings us back to John Henry. Suppose the Red Sox step up and shock the world? There is simply no downside to making Jeter a massive offer. In the worst-case scenario he calls your bluff and you get the Yankees captain.

I don’t care if Jeter is way past his prime or if the Sox would have to wildly overpay a player of his diminished skills.

...

What’s the harm in offering Jeter $20 million a year over three years? If you can pay J.D. Drew $14 million per year . . . if you can pay a Japanese team $50 million just for the right to speak with Daisuke Matsuzaka . . . if you can buy a futbol club for $476 million, why not spend $60 million to bust pinstripe chops for all the ages?

Hey, what's one more overpaid player?

Shank fails the logic test with this suggestion. When Matsuzaka and Drew were being pursued by the Sox, the expectations / anticipated production from these guys were significantly higher than is expected from Jeter, at age 36. The $476 million plunked down on Liverpool FC, Shank, is called an investment. I saw higher numbers when Liverpool first went on the block, so at this point John Henry might have a steal on his hands. The next time Shank bitches about an overpaid Red Sox player, we'll always have this article to prove a) he's a hypocrite or b) he's just stirring the pot with silly ideas.

Granted that it's part of a columnist's job to offer opinions, bit I've always thought it takes a special kind of prick to tell someone else what to do with his money.

A Rolling Shank Gathers No Moss

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column summarizes the Randy Moss Tour of 2010. While it may not be the topic du jour that we'd normally expect of Shank, the column does neatly summarize the season for Moss, for better or worse (mostly worse). A quibble arise:

And what did Randy do in Minnesota? He got Brad Childress fired, that's what. Moss' last game with the Vikings was a one-catch special against the Patriots (who else?) in Gillette on Halloween and after the game he threw his coach and all of his teammates under the bus. He professed his undying love for the Patriots. Hours later, Moss was fired by the Vikings. And then we learned that the last straw in Minnesota was an embarrassing outburst aimed at a Twin Cities catering company which came to the Vikings facility to serve lunch.

I think this stuff just pushed Childress over the edge, as he was well on his way to getting shitcanned before the Moss trade.

This was funny, and pithy:

And years from now when we want to study a free agent setting himself on fire in his walk year, we will study Randy Moss 2010.

One more question - when does Shank, on the CNN / SI pages, give Patriots coach Bill Belichick the next round of props he deserves?

Tale Of The Videotape

It didn't take Shank long to revert to form. Today's column concerns the Denver Broncos and various fines involving a videotaping of the opposing players' walk-through session.

Sound familiar? It should. And in case you forgot, guess who's here to helpfully remind us? Call this the Anatomy of A Smear.

First - Shank wants to make sure this story gets adequate coverage:

I don’t expect to hear much about this on any of the Patriots’ Pravda news outlets, but you can be pretty sure the New York tabloids are going to run hard with it. The headline in yesterday’s Daily News was “It’s Spygate II in Denver,’’ and the vaunted Post went with two stories, one titled “Pats’ coach will always be tied to scandal,’’ and the other with a subhead stating “Incident also has Belichick ties.’’

You bet it does.

Attempt to further propagate the story through additional media writeups.

Second - Of course, these guys (Shank, et. al) don't mean direct ties; what follows is classic guilt by association:

Bill Belichick’s bio in the Patriots media guide proudly features a half-page section entitled “Bill Belichick’s Tree.’’ It reads, in part, “Bill Belichick has had strong influences on hundreds of coaching, personnel, and football operations staff, many of whom have been hired to coach and manage other teams.’’ The lengthy list includes McDaniels and Eric Mangini, both of whom broke into the NFL under Belichick. Young Scarnecchia also broke into the NFL with the Patriots. He is listed as a “video assistant’’ in the Patriots’ staff directories of 2002, 2003, and 2004. He is also the son of Dante Scarnecchia, a beloved presence as an assistant coach on the Patriots’ sideline for the last 27 seasons.

Dante Scarnecchia is one of the finest men you’ll ever meet. He has been a part of all six Patriots Super Bowl teams and currently serves as offensive line coach and assistant head coach. In 1992, he served as Patriots’ head coach for seven games when Dick MacPherson fell ill. He is certainly not responsible for the actions of his son.

Certainly not! So a few people are off the hook. Interesting. On whose doorstep do you think this one will end up?

Now we have the first spy sanction since then, and there are Belichick footprints all over the place. The head coach of the Broncos was one of Bill’s guys. The guy caught taping was one of Bill’s guys and is the son of one of Bill’s present guys.

Oh, and just for good measure, we learned that Steve Scarnecchia was one of Mangini’s video operators when the Jets ratted out the Patriots in 2007. More than that, some folks think Steve Scarnecchia was the one who ratted out the Patriots.

Third - passive-aggressive assertions; "Belichick footprints all over the place". Now, for the passive-aggressive disclaimer (emphasis mine):

It’s important that we remember that Saturday’s sanction was against the Broncos. It is not a Patriots matter. Asking Belichick or any of his people about this is wildly unfair. It’s strictly a matter between the Commish and the Broncos.

So far, it's "Belichick footprints all over the place", but "It is not a Patriots matter". Got that?

So where does Shank finally come down on the matter? As if you have to ask!

But once again, the trail of espionage leads directly back to Route 1, and that is . . . unfortunate.

It's fair to conclude that Shank, a fifth-degree black belt in the dark arts of character assassination and innuendo, is trying to tie this to Bill Belichick any way he can. If he's called on it, he can simply say he was repeating what the New York papers were writing, and he'll say it in spite of his statement ("directly back to Route 1") to the contrary. Talk about a clean hit!

How long did Shank's faux fondness for Belichick last, barely one month?

Making The Rounds

During the "holiday" season, Shank normally treats us to a few human interest stories, the only type of Globe column he's seemingly able to write with any consistent quality. Today, he's finally out of the box with a story about Children's Hospital Boston. An unusual thing about this particular column is its length - 3 pages total.

I guess not even Shank can be all asshole, all the time, or is that what he wants us to think?

Eat Me

Shank's Thanksgiving column is about the Thanksgiving tradition of football in Detroit. It's a decent enough column.

Shank Starts On The Second Bridge

How boring and predictable is Shank? Last year we had Shank taking a dump on Red Sox ownership. You may have wondered if this self-serving, pot-stirring type of column would become an annual event.

Wonder no more.

This is one giant turkey.

The Red Sox just lost their 31-year-old, middle-of-the-order, switch-hitting catcher. On the eve of Thanksgiving. It feels like the old Haywood Sullivan/John Harrington days when the ball club would announce a ticket-price hike on the Friday after Thanksgiving (the 2010 Red Sox cleverly released their new prices on the day of the most hyped NBA regular-season game in 63 years).

The hot stove season is young, but losing Martinez at the jump is a public relations nightmare for a ball club that’s suddenly fighting for market share and TV ratings. The local landscape is peppered with popular, playoff-bound teams. The Sox did not make it into the tournament this year and the bland ball club is scuffling to generate positive buzz. Subtracting Martinez a month after ponying up $476 million for a soccer team com pounds the fallout.

When last describing the need to retain Martinez's services, Shank wasn't exactly throwing around words like 'linchpin' and 'must-keep' (emphasis mine):

It's more complicated with Martinez and Beltre. Martinez is a switch-hitting catcher, which puts him on a lot of wish lists. There's well-founded doubt about his ability to manage a pitching staff and throw runners out, but he's improved behind the plate and he brings the lumber.

He's also in his prime.

Are we supposed to believe Shank's newfound interest in Martinez is genuine?

Shank then pops the question:

Sounds like they’re selling bridges again, no?

...

Why are the Sox acting like they are a small-market team? They sell out every game. They have the second-highest-priced tickets in baseball. Their payroll is exceeded only by the Yankees’. And now they won’t pay the going rate for their starting catcher? How often do the Yankees lose a player they want to keep?

I don't know, Shank; you might want to ask Derek Jeter:

New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman said Tuesday that the Yankees have made a "fair and appropriate" contract offer to Derek Jeter and suggested that if the 36-year-old shortstop thinks otherwise, he should shop himself around to find out.

I wonder if Shank thinks that Cashman & Co. are acting like a small market team, or are trying to, you know, save some money / avoid overspending?

Conveniently ignoring previous opinions and an occasional market force or two allow Shank to use Martinez's loss as an excuse to take the annual crap on Sox ownership.

Two Papers In One - II

A flurry of activity from Shank on Sunday. We have a Globe column that is heavy on the hyperbole and pleads for more Indy - New England games, replete with nicknames, pop culture references and the like. His CNN / SI column leans a little more on the game stats, but I'm hard pressed to make anymore distinctions between the two.

Now that's lazy!

UPDATE, 11/23, 7:30 PM - Lazier still, Shank is ripping off other writers. Have you no shame, sir?

Utterly Predictable

Shank's Sunday column could be about many things:

Tom and Peyton don’t defend one another, so this latest Patriots-Colts Game of the Century can’t be about Brady vs. Manning. It’s really about Belichick vs. Manning. It’s about the Revenge of Fourth And 2. It’s about the Colts beating the Patriots five of the last six times they’ve met. It’s about the young Patriots defense. It’s about Bill Polian hating the Patriots the way the Patriots hate the Jets. It’s about perennial conference kingpins deciding who’ll get home field if they meet again when it counts in January.

Since this is written by Shank, you already know the real answer:

There will be no ignoring the obvious in this space. I’m riding sidecar with the dumbed-down story line, the lowest common denominator. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This game is all about Brady vs. Manning. Football’s 18-12 Overture comes to Gillette.

Little surprise; this column looks enough like the one he wrote last year.

Lazy, predictable & boring pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

Will Shank's Next Column...

... be another Brady / Manning column?

Something Slipped, All Right

Shank does the first of the annual Thanksgiving columns on local high school teams that 1) are designed to make you think that he's not a big an asshole as is amply demonstrated the rest of the year; 2) exhibit student - athletes overcoming adversity, low odds of success, yadda³.

In previous years these columns used to be a cut above his normal articles, but not this column, featuring Newton North's high school boy's soccer team, recently blessed with a $200 million school facility. It's something every teenager can relate to!

Perhaps in bad taste, I have to remark that this column reads like an obituary.

Welcome Aboard

Shank climbs aboard the Patriots bandwagon in his weekly CNN / SI article. This one's worth reading, as his outside the Globe efforts are of far better quality. The title to the article was a bit misleading, leaving me unable to accuse him of reusing a previous article.

Is Shank deserving of a partial break because of this?

A lot of us (particularly me) thought Belichick was giving up on the season when he dumped Randy Moss after a big Monday night win in Miami in early October. But it turns out Belichick was right. He knew he wasn't going to get much more out of Moss. So he cut his losses. He got a third-round pick from the Vikings. Three weeks later, the red-faced Vikings fired Moss. Belichick was right again.

I'm leaning towards HELL NO! because I'm confident Shank will change his opinion yet again, as soon as the next loss occurs. Can you go broke betting against Shank? Commenter g is correct - just wait for the next weather pattern. But do his recent mea culpas (by my estimation, there have been about five or six over the past year) bail him out somewhat?

Overreaction?

Shank, one week ago:

Suddenly the SS Patriot looks like a southbound cruise ship.

Shank, this morning:

The Super Bowl is officially up for grabs, ladies and gentlemen.

What a difference a week makes. Or one day, for those who read yesterday's paean to the Steelers. Is it really too much to ask for some semblance of even-keel consistency?

A Little Over the Top

Shank once again blows an opportunity to write a decent column. He should be penalized for excessive hyperbole:

The Steelers are football.

The Steelers are the NFL.

...

If you have been to Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers, you know exactly what I am talking about. If you’ve never been, maybe you’ve picked it up just by watching on TV. Pittsburgh is simply the cradle of the NFL.

The Steelers are about continuity, excellence, toughness, and tradition. They are football’s comfort food. You see the logo on the right side of the helmet and you know you are watching the NFL at its best.

Throw in random mentions of the Beatles, Randy Moss, Larry Lucchino and Johnny Unitas in the present tense as if he was still alive, and Shank snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.

Can't Stand The Heat

I wonder where Shank got the idea for that column title, or am I reaching here?

Can’t stand the Heat
By Dan Shaughnessy
Globe Columnist / November 11, 2010

I am a Heat Hater.

Miami’s basketball team can’t lose enough games to make me happy. When I pass under a television in a crowded airport and see the score crawl, if the Heat are losing, I crack a big smile. I hope they lose ’em all.

The Celtics are in Miami tonight to play the third-place Heat.

The third-place Heat. Don’t you love it? I want them to be the Miami Clown Machine.

We are a couple of weeks into this historic NBA season, and the Heat own a 5-3 record, trailing the Orlando Magic and Atlanta Hawks in the vaunted Southeast Division of the NBA East. If the playoffs started today, the Heat would be the No. 4 seed, behind the Magic, Hawks and Celtics.

Naturally it's still early in the season, so things can and will change, but it's almost refreshing to see Shank dumping on a pro sports team located outside Massachusetts, if for mothing else as a reminder that there are occasional blue moons. Now fans in Florida will also be blessed with Shank's trademark thoughfulness ("I hope they lose ’em all"), forced '80's pop culture references ("Miami Clown Machine", wash / rinse / repeat), over the top judgements ("The Miami Frauds"), and his ability / desire to keep controversies burning ("Of course Riley wants another ring from the bench"), all of which basically killed the first half of the column.

Shank finishes strong when he gets around to looking at why Miami's overrated (i.e., by comparison with other championship teams), and I'll state again that as far as LeBron's asshattery when making & announcing "The Decision", I'm with Shank 110%. At least this article had the sense to make the necessary halftime adjustments...

Two Papers In One!

Paper Number One:

It’s not often Belichick is beaten by a rookie quarterback (with a “Friday Night Lights’’ name of Colt McCoy).

Paper Number Two:

He's got the name of a guy from central casting.

Colt McCoy. Quarterback.

Perfect, isn't it? Right out of Friday Night Lights.

A guy named Colt McCoy was born to play quarterback. He was born to play quarterback for Texas. He was born to play quarterback in the National Football League.

Shank runs with the theme from there and delivers a good article on Colt McCoy. If you've seen him in college and especially this Sunday, you get the impression that McCoy is the real deal, although agreeing with Shank is, you know, awkward...

Stand By Your Man

Shank's column is, sure enough, about yesterday's loss to the Browns, mentioning (in no particular order) Fredo Corleone, Belichick, Mangini, the Sopranos and Bill Parcells. His mindset, for now, remains "In Bill We Trust"; the rest of the team, not so much:

Oddly enough, this horrible loss beautifully demonstrates how great Belichick has been this year. Through the first seven games of the season, he had this suspect group compiling the best record in the NFL. Truly amazing. We knew it was a house of cards. How often does the team with the best record in football rank 28th in total defense and 31st in pass defense? Even the hired hands from “The Big Show’’ and the WBZ All Suck-up gang knew this was not the best team in football. Still, it sounded good for the week that it lasted.

Now we all are back to reality. The Patriots are 6-2, tied with the Jets. Next week they are at Pittsburgh. Then they have the Colts at home. Suddenly the SS Patriot looks like a southbound cruise ship.

Like the New England weather, ask yourself this: don't like Shank's opinions? Just wait a column or two; it'll change.

Name That Column Theme!

Today's New England Patriots' loss to the Cleveland Browns, 34 - 14, will be the first big test of Shank's newfound love affair with coach Bill Belichick.

Will Shank a) stand by his man, or b) turn on a dime and throw the coach under the proverbial bus? Will there be c) no column for the next few days as Shank broods in his hotel room? Did I d) miss any scenarios here?

I'm going contrarian with a), because I have trouble believing that even Shank would be so transparently stupid and turn on a dime so suddenly. Then again, he's done that before. Who knows with this guy?

So, vote early and often!

Laying It On, Thick

I smell a rat - Shank manages to write something nice about Bill Belichick. The column starts off badly (Paul Simon lyrics), and how can a column not get better from there?

I still can't believe he wrote this column. Is this the universe where Spock has a goatee?

An Excerpt From Shank's Radio Show

I tuned into his radio show this morning around 11:45, and I heard something that was both amusing and telling.

The amusing part - co-host Adam Jones dressed up for Halloween as... Shank Shaughnessy! He bought this curly / shag wig and went to a Halloween party with it; apparently a few people got the joke, but that was the extent of the costume.

Here's the telling part. As they segued to what other things would have made a good Shank costume, a few items mentioned were a notepad, pencil, tape recorder (that's from memory; wasn't able to take notes on that part). When discussing Shank costume accessories, the very first thing out of Shank's mouth was:

"Having bloggers say nasty things about you." (said in an entirely serious tone - ed.)

OK, that was amusing, too! But it reinforces the sentiment written a few times on this website over the past years - Dan Shaughnessy has very thin skin. He routinely says nasty things about others in his column (Belichick, Kraft, Ortiz, Jeff Stone, Ramirez, Martinez, Garciaparra, Schilling, Epstein, Henry, et. al.), but basically complains when others return fire. Shank's whining reminds me of this phrase...

He Said / He Said, or Man Up, Hypocrite

Take your pick. Today's Shank Globe column is as predictable as it gets. Behold, the power of words:

All-World yapper Kevin Garnett got into it with Detroit’s Charlie Villanueva with 2:39 left in the Celtics’ victory over the Pistons at Auburn Hills, Mich., Tuesday night. Villanueva suffers from alopecia universalis, a skin disorder that causes hair loss, and after the game, he tweeted that Garnett had called him “a cancer patient.’’ As part of a taunt.

Do not underestimate the power of the tweet. The story took on a life of its own. ESPN was quick out of the gate, then the story hit local sports radio. Just after 4 p.m., Garnett issued this statement: “I am aware there was a major miscommunication regarding something I said on the court last night. My comment to Charlie Villanueva was in fact, ‘You are cancerous to your team and our league.’

“I would never be insensitive to the brave struggle that cancer patients endure. I have lost loved ones to this deadly disease and have a family member currently undergoing treatment. I would never say anything that distasteful. The game of life is far bigger than the game of basketball.’’

“I actually heard what Kevin said,’’ Celtics coach Doc Rivers said before last night’s 105-102 overtime victory over the Bucks. “What he released is what he said.’’

The rational person would think the story ends right then and there, but this is Shank we're talking about. While this column does not rise to the level of "Shank's on his high horse again", we are treated to his level of tolerance:

But the disclosure of Tuesday’s events was a rare window into what goes on between the lines, where the basic rule of engagement is that there are no rules of engagement. Nothing is off-limits. What has changed is that now we find out about vile garbage that dares not speak its name. We never would have known about it in the genteel good old days.

Whichever version you believe, it’s tasteless. It’s offensive. It’s way beyond the typical schoolyard, “You’re fat, you’re ugly, your mother wears army boots.’’ There’s nothing funny about poking fun at cancer. It is a universal scourge. It is off-limits in every arena of mankind.

Further into the column, Shank demonstrates his hypocrisy (We never would have known about it in the genteel good old days.):

“You could not print all the things we said,’’ said Cedric Maxwell, Ainge’s teammate from the 1980s and a Hall of Fame trash talker. “You could not write it all down. The families. The moms. Didn’t make any difference. We didn’t have to be politically correct. We could be asinine.

“I remember one guy, before the start of a playoff series, saying, ‘No way that bitch is getting 40 points off of me.’ Somebody wrote that down and it actually got in the paper.’’

I know. Because Max said it about Bernard King, and I wrote it down, and it appeared in the Sunday Globe on the day of the first game of the 1984 Eastern Conference semifinals between the Celtics and Knicks. King refused to shake Max’s hand before the game. King didn’t get his 40 until Game 3, but the Celtics won the series.

Does anyone seriously think this (or the 1984) column get written if Larry Bird was the trash talker in question?

Like writing about Jacoby Ellsbury getting 'carved up' on Boston sports talk radio, with Shank being one of the carvees, he bemoans the trash talking in the NBA, but eagerly participates in its dissemination when it suits his purposes. This is the picture perfect definition of hypocrisy. If there was any to be had in the first place, this column serves to pour Shank's credibility down the drain.

UPDATE at 6:40 PM - commenter 'redsock' points out something Shank wrote some time ago. I can't find the original article; looks likely that the Globe deep-sixed it, and for good reason: (link isn't working - copy & paste http://sonsofsamhorn.net/wiki/index.php/Dan_Shaughnessy )

Once ripped on a mentally-disabled ballplayer (Jeff Stone) for his lack of intelligence.

I'd like to see the original article before commenting further, but if this is right, Shank goes far beyond hypocrite, and I'll leave it at that. Commenter 'g' - I know where you're coming from, but I need to see the original article in some form before ripping the sonofabitch. I'll do some more digging and report back anything I find.

UPDATE II at 7:15 PM - I bet it's this article, which sits behind a pay wall. I'm not going to break a sixteen year streak of not giving the Globe money, so there it will sit.

I'll Take Door Number Two, Monty

That was a tough call. It's mea culpa time!

Shank, October 7, 2010:

Not me. I’m with the late George Allen. The future is now, baby. And the Patriots are not better now than they were Monday night in Miami.

Once again, we are reminded that the Patriots believe “the system’’ is more important than the talent. Who needs Moss when you have Tate, Ninkovich, and Chung? Emboldened by Monday’s impressive win — scoring 41 points without Moss catching a pass — Belichick is again telling Patriot players and fans that the vaunted machine can operate with any combination of parts. Players don’t matter. They are all replaceable (except Brady, of course). And just think how good the Patriots will be when they draft all of those players.

Shank, this morning:

...

The Patriots are better without Moss. I certainly did not believe this when they dealt Moss to the Vikings four weeks ago. I thought it was a signal that they were giving up on the 2010 season. But as always, Belichick knows his team better than us. Bill could not be more right about this one.

The Patriots are better without Moss because they are more like the old Patriots we came to know and love back in the beginning of the 21st century. Those Patriots stressed team above self, a mind-set impossible for Moss to grasp. Randy has no problem with the one-handed catch, but he can’t handle the concept that he’s part of a team. With No. 81 (or No. 84 in Minnesota) it’s always about Team Moss. It’s about touches and that all-important next contract.

It must have absolutely killed Shank to write this paragraph:

Belichick is vindicated by the release of Moss. Coach Bill doesn’t have to say a word. Once again Football America can see that Belichick was right. The Patriots have the best record in the National Football League and Belichick’s decision to release Moss was in the best interests of the Patriots.

Assuming he's honest, it's ironic that Shank fell into the same trap that Moss did - a decade of overwhelming evidence to the contrary (Belichick's record), Shank & Moss thought otherwise. Until now.

That's not the funniest part of the column; I hope you're sitting down for this one:

Now he has been released by a 2-5 team and he’s looking for a new job and a future contract.

It won’t be here.

Unless Bill surprises us again and decides that having Randy Moss is in the best interest of his football team. At this point, who’s going to challenge anything Bill does?

Not me.

Never again.

I mentioned earlier this month - ALL of Shank's statements have an expiration date (re: above, three plus weeks). How soon will Shank backtrack on this last statement?

A Journey To San Francisco

After the San Francisco Giants stake themselves to a 3 to 1 World Series lead, Shank bravely pulls for a Giants series win:

My heart's with San Francisco.

I love the Giants and I hope they win the World Series. They take a 3-1 Series lead into tonight's Game 5 in Texas against Cliff Lee.

A lot of folks don't care about this 2010 World Series. We don't have high-profile teams from New York, Boston, Los Angeles or Chicago. There's no Texas Ranger Nation and the Giants don't have a galaxy of Cooperstown candidates. Executives at Fox no doubt would prefer the Phillies and Yankees, but I'm into the Giants. I'm into the city by the Bay.

A word of advice - it is difficult to ape lamer song lyrics then Journey, even if they are from San Francisco. Next time, at least try a (semi) San Francisco band with balls.

Other than Journey lyrics (please) and the timing of this sudden support for the Giants, I don't see a problem with the column. Shank knows his baseball history extremely well and makes compelling points. Too bad this column was written a few hours before the Giants sealed the deal. To have written this column last week would have taken, well, balls.

Grist For The Mill

I give it one in three odds that Shank's next Globe column will be on Randy Moss getting shitcanned from the Vikings. If he trashes Moss, he contradicts this Oct. 7th column; if he agrees with the move, he'll need to write a mea culpa column and admit Belichick was right to dump Moss. Tough call, eh?

UPDATE at 12:10 AM, 11/2/10 - Don Banks has the last word.