Glowing Words, Indeed

Shank celebrates the arrival of Bobby Valentine as the 45th manager of the Boston Red Sox. Why is it that almost every single person reporting on this hiring has to mention he's the 45th manager? Is there something unique with the number 45 that I haven't picked up on?

A straightforward recap of Valentine's career and the people involved in the decision are mentioned in the first part of the column. The words 'John Henry' and 'Liverpool' are now destined to be combined in the same sentence whenever Shank takes a shot at mentions John Henry. Shank should open a new toy store - "Cheap Shots 'R Us".

Swell stuff. So good, so good, so good. Boston baseball’s winter of defection and discord was badly in need of this Sweet Caroline moment.

Forget the fact that it's not even winter yet (I know, poetic license and all that), but what better way is there to kill a column's momentum then the obligatory lame lyric mention - Sweet Caroline, a unique combination of banal pedestrian boredom, death by overplay, and Shank's seal of approval. It's a triple play!

Remember all that bitching and moaning Shank did over the past two months, trashing the process & everyone involved?

It doesn’t really matter now anyway.

That's convenient, isn't it? Do you think Shank will remember that sentiment when the Sox hit their first five game losing streak?

You Heard It Here First

Longtime readers of this blog know how well Shank loves the Neil Diamond song 'Sweet Caroline'. About an hour or so ago I'm on ESPN 3 watching one of the World Cup qualifiers (Malta vs. England) and the Maltese crowd was singing, you guessed it, 'Sweet Caroline' just before the first half kickoff. My prediction - with that insipid car commercial fueling the fire, this might catch on worldwide, displacing 'Seven Nation Army' by the White Stripes as the song of choice.

No Pedro column yet?

Oh, darn. Guess I'll have to deal with that one tomorrow morning. Anyway, I might have a little trouble with today's contribution, because I wasn't born in 1986. So please forgive me for largely leaving the historical stuff out, and feel free to pick away at it in the comments, because I'm really not going to know the difference. We all good? Okay.

Today's piece is intended to be a smarmy, heart-warming work about the 1986 Red Sox, the infamous Bill Buckner posse. Unheralded! Fantastic! Surprising! Soul-crushing! You get the idea. Right off the bat, we get such nonsense as this:

The Red Sox? They were well below the radar, coming off a thoroughly boring 81-81 season.

Okay, I don't live in Boston, and I wasn't around then, but have the Red Sox ever been below anybody's radar? I have trouble believing this. And since when is 81-81 boring? Seems pretty exciting to me. The season could go either way after that. But what do I know?

There was no Nation, no Monster Section, no pink hats, no ``Sweet Caroline", no Curse, and no automatic sellout for every game.

Minor nitpick: "Sweet Caroline" was written by Neil Diamond in 1969 (yes, I had to look that up). So technically, it was there. Just not at Fenway. But I know what he meant.

Major nitpick: Yup, people, there's that "Curse" again! It wasn't there yet because a certain ugly curly-haired columnist hadn't yet come up with a completely stupid way to make money by writing a book about an odd coincidence! And here he is, pimping it! Yay for CHB!

Also, why does he list things that have only occurred since the Henry/Werner/Lucchino group took over? Nation? Monster Section? Automatic sellout? Not exactly ancient history, Dan. Most of us can remember back farther than 4 years.

They've all been treated unfairly, of course, and I'll own up to my contributions in this area.

Oh my gosh. Is CHB apologizing? Look at this! Oh, wait. He says "I'll own up to my contributions." Future tense. Then he never does. Never mentions anything he said previously. I should have known better.

Now, we get to the most ridiculous paragraph I've ever seen:

These men who'll be honored tonight engineered a comeback every bit as unlikely as what the '04 Red Sox did against the Yankees. Trailing the California Angels, three games to one, they came back from a 5-2 deficit in the ninth inning of Game 5 in Anaheim. And it was Buckner who started the rally with a single up the middle in the ninth. A home run by Dave Henderson became instant Boston folklore as the Sox rallied to win Game 5, 7-6, in 11 innings.

They won the next two in Boston with ease, then took the first two games of the Series in New York.

Holy shit, Dan. No, they didn't. The '04 Red Sox had the most unlikely comeback in the history of sports. Coming back from down 3-0 in the series had never happened before. Please don't tell me you've forgotten all this already, how magical it was, how unexpected: it was two freaking years ago! Coming back from down 3-1, winning one game in extras, and then the other two "easily" is nowhere near as unlikely as coming back from down 3-0, never done before in MLB history, winning two games in extras, winning a game with a pitcher who probably shouldn't have been able to walk at all, and then winning the fourth game easily. Utter BS. Just wow.

The 1986 team deserves credit, not just for coming back against the Angels, not just for making it to Game 7 of the Series, but for putting big league baseball back on the map in New England.

I firmly believe this to be a hot load of crap, but I might be wrong.

A Yankee Farewell To Big Papi

Leave it to Shank to fuck it up:

NEW YORK — Welcome to Papi-Palooza, Big Apple style.

The interminable David Ortiz Farewell Tour made its final stop in the House That Jeter Built Thursday night. The Yankees’ pregame ceremony was short and sweet — nothing like the overblown homages showered upon Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter at Fenway in 2013 and 2014, respectively.

At 6:52 p.m., while the stadium was still half-empty, Ortiz was introduced to the crowd and came out to stand behind home plate with his wife Tiffany, daughter Alex, and son D’Angelo. The Yankees presented Tiffany and Alex with floral bouquets.

Ortiz’s former teammate Jacoby Ellsbury and former Red Sox pitcher David Cone were first out of the Yankee dugout. They carried a custom-made autograph book with hand-scripted messages from Yankees who have played against Ortiz through the years.

Next up was Rivera, the all-time saves leaders and future Hall of Famer. Rivera helped Ortiz unveil an oil painting that portrayed Ortiz tipping his cap at home plate at Yankee Stadium.

Then they played “Sweet Caroline” over the PA.

And that was it. No video montages. No speeches. No appearances by Whitey Ford, Woody Allen, Liza Minnelli, Billy Joel, or Dick Flavin. It was brief and buttoned-down. Very Yankee-like. And it was over in a New York minute. It was as if the entire presentation had been scripted by Bill Belichick.

Poisoned By Last Place

Those are Shank's words from yesterday's column, not mine, but we all knew he'd be singing this tune after... one loss?

Not surprisingly, the Red Sox already are back in last place

The 0-1 Red Sox are in last place.

Which is home for this once-great franchise. The Sox have finished in last place in five of the last 11 seasons — more than any other team in Major League Baseball.

The upstart Orioles beat the Boston wannabes, 10-9, Thursday at frozen Fenway — a train wreck of a baseball game (12 walks, 3 errors, 5 Oriole stolen bases, none of which drew a throw) in a non-tidy 3 hours and 10 minutes.

Ugh. This is not what Theo Epstein was aiming for when he helped create rules that hasten down the wind and speed up the game.

With the Sox trailing, 10-4, in the middle of the eighth inning, the Olde Towne Team came off the field on a freezing March afternoon and the public address system blared “Sweet Caroline.”

So good. So good. So good. The Orioles’ mound wildness and defensive sloppiness made it close in the final two frames, but the Sox were worthy losers, and frozen fans went home unhappy, probably emboldened with false hope.

Shank buried this team quicker than anybody Whitey Bulger buried at Tenean Beach.

World Series Cup - Game 2 Recap

Shank cranks out another semi-inspired column on the Red Sox - Cardinals series.

Hmm. What is this?

The St. Louis Cardinals, apparently, did not get the memo.

Visiting teams at Fenway are supposed to melt into a puddle at the mere sight of Boston’s bearded warriors. For most of this year, especially in the playoffs, Sox opponents have lost their composure and their baseball skills upon walking into Fenway Park. The John Henry/Boston Globe Red Sox (has a nice ring to it, no?) are trained to play “Three Little Birds’’ and “Sweet Caroline” over the public address system, then watch the opponents beat themselves.

Not Thursday night. Not in Game 2 of the 2013 World Series. After a Game 1 embarrassment, the Cardinals played Big Boy Baseball, beating the Red Sox, 4-2, behind the power pitching of three baby hurlers who collectively are three years younger than the vice president of the United States.

The Obligatory Shane Victorino Column

You kinda get the sense that Shank's columns are following some sort of pattern. I suppose the Ortiz and Farrell columns are waiting their turn in the lineup!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — In those final days of the 2013 baseball season, the Red Sox were the greatest thing since sliced Yaz Bread.

David Ortiz was the guy who hit the season-changing grand slam, then batted .688 in the World Series. Koji Uehara was the indomitable closer, better than anyone who ever finished games in the big leagues. Jon Lester was the playoff ace, John Lackey was Mr. Redemption, and phenom Xander Bogaerts was playing with the poise of a young man bound for Cooperstown.

But Shane Victorino was as good, and as popular, as any of the players who produced the magical postseason run of 2013.

Victorino is the one who hit the grand slam off Jose Veras to defeat the Tigers in the ALCS and Victorino is the one who broke open the final game of the World Series at Fenway Park on that amazing October night.

Shank goes on to recount that Series, Victorino's contract signing and Shane's likely use in the field & lineup in 2014.

There's also an important discussion of introduction / walkup music:

Victorino's Fenway walkup music, Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds,’’ forever will be part of the Boston baseball memory of 2013.

Audience participation peaked during the playoffs when Victorino would walk to the plate to “don’t worry about a thing,’’ and then step into the batter’s box while the crowd joined in with “every little thing gonna be all right.’’

“I would never change it,’’ Victorino said. “It’s going to be around. Pretty much my whole career in Philly, I came up to ‘Buffalo Soldiers’ [another Marley tune]. Day one before [last year’s] All-Star break, I changed it to ‘Three Little Birds’ and by my third at-bat, I could hear little sections of the crowd singing it and then it just carried on.’’

Almost like “Sweet Caroline”?

Damn - off by one column!

A Sour Spectacle

Yes, that really was the (alleged) top sports columnist for the Boston Globe referencing the Lego Movie theme song in the lede of his piece today.

That nod to a ditty so mindlessly craptacular is surprisingly apropos, and about all you need to know about today's hatefest, a patented CHB special that takes shotgun-style aim at the Bruins, Red Sox, sports fans, Celtics and Patriots. Oh, and Hank Finkel too.

Sample flame: "The embarrassing, ill-prepared 2014 Red Sox were never taken to task this year. Boston fans soaked up NESN happy talk, paid the highest prices in baseball, sang “Sweet Caroline,” and enjoyed watching “the kids” finish in last place. After all, those lovable, cuddly Sox won the World Series in 2013. They won three in 10 years. So there’s no need for accountability anymore."

All this in a column about Bruins' opening night, mind you.

Keep in mind The CHB was all praises for the Red Sox in spring training, and his chief complaint about the Patriots and Bruins is that they have been too good for too long.

Look around, Mr. Historian: No one always wins in the current era of team sports. Three Super Bowls in four years, or three World Series crowns in 10 years, is today's gold standard, and if you can't at least appreciate that, I have some puppies, a bag and a map to the river. Knock yourself out.

By the way, the Bruins won the game. And never was heard an encouraging word.

Waving Goodbye

As the season winds down for the 2014 Boston Red Sox, as well as Derek Jeter's career, Shank devotes today's column to the retiring Yankees shortstop. Sort of!

Tongue firmly in cheek and dripping with sarcasm, Shank uses the first few paragraphs to take his patented dump on the Olde Town Team:

Welcome to Jeter-palooza. Hub Fans Bid Jetes Adieu. Three final sellouts and more eyeballs diverted from the train wreck of the 2014 Red Sox.

The Red Sox are truly blessed. They’ve managed to finish in last place in two of the last three seasons, but everybody’s still having a swell time singing “Sweet Caroline’’ before the home half of the eighth.

Nobody’s mad at the Local Nine. After all, they’ve won the World Series three times in 10 years and they won it last year and they’re going to bring Jon Lester back (OK, I made that one up) and everybody is happy just to enjoy another day in America’s most beloved ballpark.

Fenway fans don’t mind paying the highest prices in baseball to watch the Pawtucket Red Sox stagger across the finish line in the basement of the once-proud American League East. Now, thanks to Derek Jeter, the ready-for-golf Red Sox and Yankees are the feature game on Fox today, and seats behind the Yankee dugout Sunday are fetching something north of $20,000.

The rest of the column is in fact devoted to Jeter, and the obligatory comparison to Ted Williams is made.

And in case you needed to be reminded about the Red Sox' performance in recent years, Mr. Sunshine drives the point home to wrap things up:

The Red Sox, meanwhile, continue to enjoy the widespread notion that they are a perennial contender. They are not. Since losing the 2008 ALCS to Tampa in 2008, the Sox have won a playoff game in only one of six Octobers. They have not made the playoffs in four of the last five years. Since Sept. 1, 2011, they are an aggregate 24 games under .500.

But never mind all that. Pay no attention to those AL East standings on the Green Monster. The sun is shining and Derek Jeter is here to say goodbye. It’s going to be a great baseball weekend.

Keep On Truckin'

Shank kicks off the unofficial start to the 2023 Boston Red Sox season like he's at a morgue:

Not much is expected of the Red Sox in 2023, but Truck Day rolls on nonetheless

Truck Day is Friday.

That’s right. Truck Day.

Even with five last-place finishes in 11 seasons and an angry fan base that booed Red Sox ownership/management at the club’s “Winter Weekend” in Springfield, Truck Day goes on. It’s kind of like playing “Sweet Caroline” after the Sox bullpen surrenders nine runs in the top of the eighth inning.

In this spirit, Wally the Green Monster, his sister Tessie, and a bunch of fresh-faced Red Sox ambassadors are expected to be on Van Ness Street around noon Friday, tossing soft baseballs into the “crowd” as a large truck carrying bats, mitts, and rosin bags departs for Fort Myers, Fla.

Anniversary

Shank celebrates the last day the Red Sox were considered good.

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Today’s the day. The Red Sox have officially reeked for one calendar year. Today marks Day 366 (leap year, people) since the last time everything was peachy in Red Sox Nation.

On this date last year, Josh Beckett pitched seven strong innings and the Sox beat the Yankees, 9-5, at Fenway Park, giving Boston 11 wins in 14 games against the Bronx Bombers (I think the game was a sellout and they might have played “Sweet Caroline” before the home half of the eighth).

The column itself is good, by Shank standards; the fact that he's written more or less the same damn column at least forty times in the same time span shows the reader precisely why Dan Shaughnessy Watch exists in the first place.

We get it - the Red Sox are not a good team. Do we really need eleven such columns this month alone? Lazy, petty & vindictive is no way to go through life, son...

Damn!

See what happens when you wake up late? You miss Shank regurgitating the one column he wrote last week.

On now until 1:00 with @ZoandBertrand. Lots of Sox talk. Adam Jones. Sweet Caroline. All of it.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 2, 2017

The Obligatory Dustin Pedroia Column

Our Man Shank keeps rolling with his third consecutive column in as many days, an interview with the Red Sox starting second baseman.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He’s 30 years old now. He’s the de facto captain of the Red Sox. He’s what Derek Jeter has been with the Yankees for the last two decades. He’s the everyday leader.

Most important, Dustin Pedroia is healthy again. Pedroia had surgery to repair the ulnar collateral ligament in his left thumb last November, and Sunday he made his first appearance in the Red Sox clubhouse.

“Everything went good with the surgery,’’ said Pedroia. “They put a pin in it for four weeks, but now the pin is gone. I kind of got a late start, but the rehab was great. I feel healthy. No setbacks. Everything’s great.’’

Pedroia has seen fire and rain in his seven-plus seasons in Boston. He was a rookie when the Sox won the 2007 World Series. He was Most Valuable Player of the American League when the Sox got to the seventh game of the ALCS one year later. (“A huge letdown. We were four or five innings away. You don’t want that feeling. Once you win, you want to stay there and be on top all the time. It gives us something to push for.’’) He lived through the final days of Terry Francona, the clown show of Bobby Valentine, and the worst-to-first redemption tour of 2013.

I'm sure he'll work in something from "Sweet Caroline" in the next column...

The Sights and Sounds of Tokyo

Dan covers the game between the Red Sox and Hanshin Tigers. Actually, he doesn't cover the game...instead, he describes the music and critiques the pronunciation of the PA announcers. Says the Japanese are doing everything they can to make the Red Sox feel at home--from playing Sweet Caroline to Dirty Water. I liked his bit about Javier Lopez hitting 127 on the radar gun...127K that is.

It was a respectable article. Not sure what has gotten into Dan lately. His acerbic nature has laregely been MIA. He has had a few clunkers of late to be sure but he has had a few entertaining reads as well and I would classify today's input as relatively entertaining.

Happy Easter!

The Obligatory Red Sox Opening Day Column

You knew Shank would trash the team after an Opening Day loss, didn't you?

Baseball. Fans. Sunshine. Peanuts. Beer. Masks. “Sweet Caroline.” Abundances of caution … and another day at the bottom of the American League East for your Boston Red Sox.

On the heels of their last-place disgrace of 2020, the Sox returned to frosty Fenway (37 degrees at game time) and kicked off their 121st big league season Friday with a 3-0 loss to the moribund Baltimore Orioles in front of 4,452 Hub hardball enthusiasts.

Alex Cora’s return to the dugout as manager was spoiled by a lineup power outage (two hits) and shaky defense that betrayed Nate Eovaldi and broke open a scoreless duel in the sixth.

From there it's the expanded game recap, sprinkled with sarcasm.

Those darn clueless newbies!

Since the Sox are playing so well, Dan directs snide remarks towards his newest target - those pesky bandwagon fans. Those idiot fans could not possibly conceive that the Sox might actually fall behind for a few innings--imagine the shock. Darn those fans for actually having the audacity to shell out big bucks to buy tickets and show up for a World Series Game. (I find this amusing--here is a man who gets paid to come to Fenway to watch the games for free and he takes jabs at paying customers?) I wonder how Shaughnessy tells the difference between bandwagon jumpers and the regulars anyway? Do they let out a different type of gasp? Do they not know the words to Sweet Caroline? Perhaps it is simply the case that he was not cursed as much when he made his rounds through the stadium?


As for those fabulous Sox, Shank writes

These Sox are unlike any Boston baseball team since the earliest years of Fenway Park. They have won five consecutive postseason games, six straight World Series games, and they're taking a 2-0 Series lead to Coors Field for the resumption of the 103d Fall Classic tomorrow night.

Well, this is a long way from just nine days ago when he wrote

There's just so much working against your team. It's hard to be positive. And even though the Sox aren't done yet, some of us are already at work carving up the blame pie (speaking of pies, a Cleveland sportscaster did his postgame TV show wearing a cream pie on his head late Tuesday)......It doesn't feel like we are watching a team that can crawl out of this hole

It is also curious how he calls them "these Sox" - since he says they have won six World Series games in a row, he must be combining them with the Red Sox of 2004 which then must also include the 2005 and 2006 Sox--one team that got routed in the playoffs by the White Sox and the other did not make the playoffs and they are teams that Shank has roundly criticized. Dan's thought process is fundamentally flawed but he has never been one to let the facts get in the way of a good story line.

Finally now that Okajima is back and doing great, let's dust off the horse analogy from earlier in the year--you know when Okajima was a stable mate for the more famous Japanese hurler? No credit for Theo and the minions on this one, Shank? Just last week, you were quick to point out

Dan Duquette assembled half of the 2004 champs, but what we are looking at today is almost exclusively Theo's team and it's his most recent acquisitions who have been exposed thus far in October.

So when the players are bad, we get shots at the minions and always shots at Bill James. But when they are good, no credit to go around. Typical pathetic Shaughnessy

Swich Hitting

What's this - a halfway positive Red Sox story from Shank?

It was the best inning of the season. It was the best game of the season. It was a seven-run, eight-hit frame, starting with “Sweet Caroline,’’ and ending after the Red Sox greeted Oakland’s fifth pitcher of the inning with “Everything Is Awesome.’’

Stop the presses, people. Trailing, 4-0, in the eighth, the beleaguered, much-buffeted Red Sox scored seven times in the home half of the inning and beat the Triple A’s, 7-4, Sunday at sunny Fenway Park.

It was a breakthrough day in every way. The Sox had been 1-26 in games in which they trailed after seven innings. They had not won three straight since April 9-11. The victory gave the Sons of John Farrell a three-game winning streak and kept them out of the cellar of the American League East by a few percentage points.

...

Upstairs in the press box, the sad stories and obits were being prepared.

So, Shank had his negative column mostly written, then had to throw it away to write this one? Couldn't happen to a nicer guy...