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Monday, April 24, 2006

Pooper Scooper

The CHB turned in one column last week, and yet the best he can muster today is a slapped together list of shots at local sports management.

Is this really what the Globe is paying him for?

There's the obligatory Theo cheap shot, raising the Bronson Arroyo angle once again, as if there was any chance the dreadlocked pitcher would be throwing so well here in Boston. Ever heard of small sample size, Dan? Hint: Ask your urologist.

He calls Bill Belichick "His Infallibleness" and Epstein a "real sacred cow" who "forever will be the boy wonder who can do no wrong."

He brings up the minor league umpires strike," about which "nobody cares" (hey, he got that right). "These guys make peanuts as is, and folks simply do not feel their pain. It's unfortunate." Right: it's such deep personal issue for Dan that he waited until the beginning of the fourth week of the season to mention it.

He makes a bizarre case for this Celtics team being within two losses of the worst in team history.

Just a weird piece.

Memory loss. "Some would say the Sox should have been better prepared for a Wells collapse." They are: Move Papelbon to the starting rotation where he belongs.

Misrepresentation watch: "American Airlines gave vouchers for free flights to 19,000 fans (give or take a few) who attended the Mavs' regular-season home finale Wednesday night." The tickets can only be used at Love Field, meaning Mavs fans will have to make the gut-wrenching choice between Kansas City and El Paso for their complimentary flight.

They pay me to do ... what, exactly? "People who know a lot about the NFL draft -- weeks before the draft -- scare me." Of course they do. As does anyone who prepares for their job.

"Everybody OK with the Padres wearing camouflage uniforms at home against the Mets Saturday night? ... I wonder what the soldiers and their families think. Their opinions would be the ones that count." Ever trying asking them?

"Is Doug [Mientkiewicz] donating [the World Series Ball] to Cooperstown, or merely lending it to the Hall for a spell?" Ditto.

??? watch: "Mel Kiper is saying Texas quarterback Vince Young will go to the Raiders with the seventh pick Saturday. Remember in 1984 when Michael Jordan was picked by Chicago at No. 3, after Sam Bowie went to Portland at No. 2 (Hakeem Olajuwon went No. 1 to the Rockets)?" So is he saying Young is Jordan, or Sam Bowie?

8 comments:

jenny said...

Good grief, was this one bad. I don't even know where to start. I don't give a crap about the Bruins or the Celtics, so I'll just leave that one be, although I'm sure there's tons wrong with it. However,

"We all know everybody around here loves Theo Epstein. He delivered a World Series champion and forever will be the boy wonder who can do no wrong."

Still smarting from the boatload of vicious e-mails you got all winter, huh, Dan? I'm proud to be the author of 4 of them.

" But doesn't he look just a little underprepared when nice guy Lenny DiNardo (7.43 ERA) is starting games in the third week of the season after a winter of hearing about how the Red Sox had seven starting pitchers? The Bronson Arroyo (3-0, 3.04, two homers with the Reds) trade looks bad in the wake of what's happened to David Wells, and some would say the Sox should have been better prepared for a Wells collapse."

Don't you look just a little underprepared when you're spouting meaningless stats like won-loss record and ERA over a sample size of like 5 starts as evidence?

"Again, had Lou Gorman or Dan Duquette let this happen, there would have been hell to pay."

Yeah, because neither one of them won a WS championship or made the playoffs every year of their tenure. Duke was also a huge asshat. Given Theo's track record, he's earned the benefit of the doubt. Given your track record, you have earned...uh, nothing except contempt. Also, the "sacred cow" comment can be construed as insulting to Hindus.

"And then there's His Infallibleness, Bill Belichick...yadda yadda... Is this, too, OK with you Patriots fans?"

Yeah, pretty much. Vinatieri stabbed us in the back. He can go f*** himself. Thanks for the rings, Adam, don't let the door hit you in your greedy ass on the way out. You're a kicker. Just a kicker. And you went to Indy-freaking-anapolis.

"The minor league umps have been out since Opening Day and nobody cares."

True. I wasn't even aware of this fact until 20 seconds ago. Nobody gives a flying fart about the minor leagues, Dan, especially not their umpires, who made a lot of terrible calls in the WBC.

"People who know a lot about the NFL draft -- weeks before the draft -- scare me."

Maybe because this has been one of the only topics on ESPN since the Rose Bowl ended? That everybody and their brother probably knows a good bit about the NFL draft? Spell "D'Brickashaw Ferguson," Dan.

"Everybody OK with the Padres wearing camouflage uniforms at home against the Mets Saturday night? Obviously, it's meant as a tribute and San Diego is a military town, but I wonder what the soldiers and their families think. Their opinions would be the ones that count."

No, actually, I'm not, I find it tacky. But as you said, my opinion doesn't matter. SO ASK THEM!

Boy, am I in a bad mood today.

fadedredsoxhat said...

CHB probably didnt watch a single Celtics or Bruins game and just looked at the standings for the first time over the weekend. The Celtics are a young team with a high ceiling. The Bruins, after years of being called the cheapest team in the league, haphazardly spent money on non-producers. There's plenty of reasons to have more confidence in Danny Ainge than in Charlie Jacobs.

I didnt mind the Belichick rip too much. Despite his record, Belichick has a public persona that is just as puke-inducing as CHB. Belichick would rather watch grass grow than say anything nice about a player because for whatever reason he needs people to believe that he has no stars and all the success is because of him.

Jenny and The Chief covered the rest nicely. Maybe later in the week, Ryan will write one of those "odds and ends" type columns to help us get this bad taste of our mouths. Kinda like last week when Jackie wrote a far superior Papelbon column a few days after CHB scribbled his.

The Chief said...

It does make you wonder how often the rest of the Globe sports corps choose their topics simply to neutralize the acid that the CHB spits out.

BB said...

I thought the column was silly, but please don't belittle the plight of the umpires. This is going to go down as another example of a deserving worker getting screwed over due to apathy. There will be a reason in the future that umpires are getting worse if this is not straightened out.

The Chief said...

I wasn't trying to belittle the umps. However, I was belittling Shaughnessy's lame attempt to pretend he cares about them.

If he feels so strong about them, why not devote a whole column? It's like when the Sox said they would move all their games to NESN: Dan wrote about it not because he cared but because he wanted to stir up trouble, and when no one agreed he dropped it.

The Couch Potato said...

Chief, I agree with your question about his doing a column about the umpire strike, which is actually a pretty sad situation. One of the umps called in to WEEI today and said the following: The top salary is only $17,000/yr and they get $20/day meal money but often spend upwards of 200 days out on the road per season. Plus, they haven't had a raise in over a decade. If CHB is so determined to present himself as the conscience of sports fans everywhere, why couldn't he dig up that information and put it in his column?

Chief also said: It does make you wonder how often the rest of the Globe sports corps choose their topics simply to neutralize the acid that the CHB spits out. I thought I was the only one who noticed that & chalked it up to wishful thinking! Next time I'm inclined to criticize a co-worker, I'll just take a deep breath, remember the plight of Ryan et al, and send up a prayer of gratitude instead.

Anonymous said...

Exactly what I was thinking about the minor league umpires. Geez, Dan, YOU'RE a journalist (allegedly). Why don't YOU do a column on the umps? Too much like work?

I actually thought when I first looked at CHB's column today that he had actually gone into self-parody. The only usual whipping boy he ignored was Pedro.

A couple of more thoughts;

Experts with knowledge in their field "scare" CHB? Why am I not surprised?

The Padres have been doing their camo uniform tribute to local troops (San Diego is a military town) annually for YEARS. Where the hell have you been, Dan?

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised that no one has commented on Dan's plagiarism of Eric Wilbur's blog from the previous Friday.

Wilbur (4/21):

By the way, should the Sharks win the Stanley Cup does that mean Mayor Menino gets a rally going at City Hall?

CHB (4/24):

Does Joe Thornton get a day in City Hall Plaza if the San Jose Sharks win the Stanley Cup?