Making It More Than Obvious

After another road loss for the 2019 Boston Red Sox, Shank gets another chance to take a dump on them.

Not to pile on, but the Red Sox losses are piling up

OAKLAND, Calif. — Take heart, Sox fans. The manager is as mad about the Sox sloppy play as you are.

“I pay attention to details,’’ Alex Cora said after bad baserunning, a missed flyball, and another crummy performance by a starting pitcher created a 7-3 Red Sox loss to the A’s Thursday. “I love paying attention to details and that’s something I took pride in last year and right now we’re not paying attention to details. That’s on us. That’s on me. That’s on the staff. I know there have been mistakes, but at the same time . . . it gets to a point where honestly, today I was watching and there were a few things that were great last year that we’re not doing so good right now. It’s early enough that we can clean it up, but that’s on us.’’

A routine flyball dropped on the warning track between Mookie Betts and Jackie Bradley Jr. Eduardo Rodriguez coughed up a 3-0 lead and couldn’t finish the fourth inning. Betts made a boneheaded baserunning decision in the ninth, getting gunned down going to third with no outs and the Sox trailing by four.

“It’s a bad decision and he knows it,’’ said the manager “That one can’t happen and he knows it.
...
There’s no sugar-coating this. The start of the Red Sox season has been a big bowl of bad. Six losses in eight games. Last place in the AL East. I find myself starting a lot of sentences with “Not to pile on, but . . . ‘’

That's correct, because an overwhelming majority of Shank's Red Sox columns are conveniently written after a loss.

Since Opening Day Shank has written five columns, all of them negative in tone, about the Red Sox, and that excludes tweets in a similar negative tone. When this turns around and the Red Sox start on three+ game winning streaks, we'll note the existence / absence of Shank's columns and keep some sort of tally of Mr. Negative's 'work'. It would be nice to see some balance, wouldn't it? We shall see.

DHL Dan LXXXII - Making It Less Obvious

Instead of devoting another full column to the Boston Red Sox slow start, Shank, on a mini-vacation, devotes a mere four paragraphs to it:

OAKLAND, Calif. — Picked-up pieces from 10 days out west with the Red Sox . . .

■ While the Sox struggle out of the gate (tied with the Angels for the worst record in baseball going into Wednesday night), several key Yankees are returning from injuries or have gone down since the season started: Giancarlo Stanton, Miguel Andujar, Didi Gregorius, Aaron Hicks, Jacoby Ellsbury, Dellin Betances, CC Sabathia, Luis Severino, and Troy Tulowitzki. This has not gone unnoticed in the Boston clubhouse. The West Coast time zone allows the Sox to monitor their rivals back east. Almost daily, while the Sox are playing cards, listening to music, and getting ready to take batting practice, their clubhouse TVs are tuned into Yankee games vs. Baltimore or Detroit. Playing against the tanking Orioles and Tigers, the Yankees lost three of their first five.

■ New York’s injury bug makes it a good year for the Sox to start slow, but that doesn’t diminish the overreaction back home. A Globe reader e-mailed me and asked if the 2019 Red Sox might be the first team eliminated from contention before they have a chance to raise their championship banner. This is why we love the Boston baseball market.

Since there are fewer and fewer of them, $10 says the 'Globe reader' was none other than Shank himself.

■ The Red Sox can spin it any way they want, but there’s got to be something wrong with Chris Sale. Two starts, 59 fastballs, zero swings and misses.

He's actually watching the games? Stop the presses!

■ Just wondering, but did the 1950s and ’60s Yankees shut down Whitey Ford every spring training back in the days when Ford pitched in the World Series every year? Or are the Red Sox the first to invent the reduced spring workload plan that’s worked so well in the first week of the 2019 season?

The Chris Sale / Jon Lester Conundrum

Is there any pitching-related matter with the Boston Red Sox that Shank can't hang around the neck of the Jon Lester trade?

OAKLAND, Calif. — The Red Sox locked up Xander Bogaerts and Chris Sale in the last two weeks, committing $265 million of John Henry’s money to a couple of players that would have been free agents at the end of this season. It’s a serious commitment that should warm the heart of Red Sox Nation.

I am a fan of the Bogaerts extension, but not so sure about Sale, who was scheduled to pitch Tuesday night in Oakland.

Sale was hoping to stop the bleeding after the Sox lost four of their first five games, getting outscored, 41-24. Alex Cora’s five-man rotation surrendered 26 earned runs in 21 innings in those five games, yielding 11 home runs. Aggregate ERA: 11.14. It was a big bowl of yuck.

But I’m thinking bigger picture today (first time for everything! - ed), wondering if the contract extension to Sale was a sound baseball decision, or perhaps overcompensation for past sins. Did the Sox let their mistake on Jon Lester rush them into a mistake on Sale?

Seems like now is never too early for Shank to preemptively second guess and pile on, is it?

Fake Praise?

I'm inclined to think that columns like this one are designed to lessen his reputation as a relentlessly negative asshole.

OAKLAND, Calif. — The Red Sox made it official Monday. They have extended the contract of Xander Bogaerts to the tune of six years and $120 million.

I love this move. It works on every level.

Bogaerts would have been a free agent at the end of this season. The Sox have no ready backup in their system. Letting Bogaerts play out his contract was a big risk. Now they know who’s going to be playing shortstop through 2025, potentially 2026. Ambassador Bogaerts will join Johnny Pesky, Rico Petrocelli, Rick Burleson, and Nomar Garciaparra as Red Sox shortstop royalty.

You can almost see Shank gritting his teeth when he typed out 'Nomar Garciaparra', can't you? I know I can!

The Internet - How Does It Work?

With Google, Bing (and other internet search engines) and the Globe sports newsrooms at his disposal, Shank can't readily find the answer to the following question:

Help! I can't find this. Which NCAA game is first next Saturday?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 1, 2019

Fortunately, his Twitter 'followers' are there to bail his helpless ass out:

Google it

— Scott Zolak(@scottzolak) April 1, 2019

Virginia 6:09
Michigan St 8:49

— Jack Lamar (@JackLamar619) April 1, 2019

For the win:

And you call yourself a journalist

— Phil Mitchell (@philflare) April 1, 2019

Bullpen Blues

Remember Shank bitching about the Boston Red Sox's bullpen for great stretches of the 2018 season, in order to create as much doubt about the team as possible? It's baaaack!

SEATTLE — It was long after midnight back in Boston when Red Sox clubhouse boss Tommy McLaughlin walked across the locker room and gently placed a game-used baseball on a shelf in the locker of Matt Barnes. When Barnes returned to his stall after recording his first major league save since 2017, the ball was resting — trophy-like, on a can of Skoal.

The Red Sox have a closer and his name is Matt Barnes.

Just don’t expect manager Alex Cora to call him that.
...
After the win, the manager was asked if he’s ready to name his closer and answered, “No. There’s no . . . I mean, we stay with the plan. We were watching the game and the game dictated for Barnes to be in the ninth. You saw Brasier getting up before. We’ve got people that can get people out in the eighth, ninth, seventh.’’

The Sox are defensive about this, almost defiant. Kimbrel and Joe Kelly were allowed to walk away after the World Series and nobody was brought in to replace them. It’s clear that the biggest question regarding the 2019 Red Sox is their bullpen. Cora and Dombrowski don’t see it that way.

Just like it was last year, and it worked out just fine for the Red Sox - just don't expect Shank to acknowledge that point.

More Overreaction, By Dan Shaughnessy

Shank once again finds the dark cloud in the silver lining:

As of this moment, three of the last four batters Nathan Eovaldi faced has hit homers. Muncy. Smith. Santana

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Going back to October, it's now four homers in Eovaldi's last eight batters.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Red Sox "plan" of holding back starters in spring training seems to be backfiring thus far this year. Sale, and now Eovaldi, looking like guys making their third spring start -- in games that count. Combined (thus far) they have yielded 13 runs and six homers in 6.2 innings.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Better cancel those Duck Boat parade plans, stat!

He Cannot Be Serious!

Ahhh, there's nothing like a baseball column from Shank after a huge Opening Day loss, is there (emphasis added)?

SEATTLE — What’s up with Chris Sale? Is that cranky left shoulder really OK?

I promise not to overreact. This is not 30 years ago when it was OK for the Boston Herald to declare “Wait ‘Til Next Year” when the Red Sox lost on Opening Day. The Sox dropped their opener in St. Pete last spring and it did not prevent them from winning 118 games and their fourth World Series of this century.

You know that part's bullshit - he'll say something like 'not gonna overreact', then proceeds to write a few paragraphs where he does just that.

But again, we must ask . . . what’s up with Chris Sale?

Less than a week after signing a five-year, $145 million contract extension, Sale submitted the worst start of his Red Sox career in a 12-4 Opening Day loss to the Mariners at T-Mobile Park. In three innings on Thursday, Sale surrendered seven runs on six hits, two walks and one hit batsman. He gave up three homers, two to Mariner shortstop Tim Beckham. (Sale allowed only two homers in his final 83 regular-season innings last year.) Sale threw 30 fastballs and did not induce a single swing-and-miss. His average speed on 25 four-seamers was 92.3 miles per hour. Trailing, 7-2, after three, Sale did not come out for the fourth.

So here we have one game where Chris Sale pitched poorly and Shank practically makes a Federal case out of it. Isn't that the very definition of 'overreacting'?

Not to pile on (riiiight! - ed), but it has to be pointed out that this stinkbomb comes on the heels of an August-September-October in which Sale was treated like a Faberge Egg due to a sore shoulder. Sale pitched only 17 regular-season innings after July 27. In the postseason, he pitched 15.1 innings over 14 games. He has not pitched more than 5.1 innings in any game since July 27. He’s about to turn 30 and the Sox he will be paying him $30 million in each of the next three seasons.

After the beatdown, Sale and manager Alex Cora both insisted there is no physical issue with Sale.

From there, Shank laments the departure of Jon Lester (from nearly five years ago) and we also get a Woodstock reference. That leaves us a Larry Bird sighting and a few 'sons of Alex Cora' clichés away from a full-blown overreaction from Shank.

UPDATE AT 11:15 AM - Looks like we weren't far off the mark with this column, were we?

Everyone is already overreacting to Gane 1 of 162. Nothing like fake Sox drama in late March.

— Boston Radio Watch® (@bostonradio) March 29, 2019

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like The 2019 Boston Red Sox

Honest, guys & gals - this one was really written by Shank, I promise!

DAN SHAUGHNESSY

The Red Sox are back, and for many of us, that means life is better

SEATTLE — The Red Sox open their season Thursday at T-Mobile Park, and Chris Sale will get the ball as they attempt to become the first major league team since the 1998-2000 New York Yankees to win back-to-back World Series.

Life is good.

For many of us, life is better when there is baseball.

Reading further into this column, it's clear to me that a lot of it is a jumbled mess of contradictions interspersed with enough factoids to dodge such a label. Given that part of the current DSW motto is 'to put as much effort into our posts as Shank does with his columns', you can likely figure it out for yourselves.

That said, let's make no mistake about this - Shank is pretending to like the 2019 Boston Red Sox, whereas many of his columns during the previous season clearly gave the opposite impression, so take this one with a huge grain or two of salt.

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like A N.E. Patriot

Rob Gronkowski retired from football yesterday, and Shank's there pay fake homage.

There are certain sobriquets that resonate viscerally in Boston sports, conjuring wistful feelings of fandom. They’re more than nicknames. They’re shorthand for the lasting impression left by greatness. Yaz. Cooz. Espo. Hondo.

Gronk.

Like one of his trademark spikes, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski left his mark not only on the NFL as possibly the greatest tight end of all-time, but on Boston sports as a football folk hero — a one-of-a-kind tight end who could play and party with the best of them.

UPDATE AT 1:22 PM: Whoops! The column was written by Chris Gasper. That became obvious once I got to read more of the column, and it was an unusually long column. I'm saying to myself 'Funny - Shank never puts in this much effort into a column', and that's why. My bad!

Since it's Gasper, it's worth reading in full.

Delayed Gratification

Until now, we had one mere tweet from Shank about New England Patriots' owner Robert Kraft and his legal problems stemming from an arrest for solicitation at a Florida massage parlor. Here's the column Shank has waited an entire month to write.

The Robert Kraft saga will loom over the NFL meetings

This is not Deflategate. This is not Spygate. This is not “they hate us because they ain’t us!’’ This is not Tom Brady with a MAGA hat in his locker or Donald Trump reading a supportive letter from Bill Belichick on the eve of the election. This is not the owner of the Patriots hitching a ride on Air Force One.

Things continue in this vein for a few paragraphs, then Shank tells us everything about the whole sordid mess that we've been hearing about for the past four weeks, which means you can skip all that stuff and get right to the conclusion:

What does all this say about Kraft’s decision-making and his fitness to run the Patriots?

Nothing - maybe Shank can figure out that these are two different questions?

How could an individual return to the same spa one day after getting pulled over by police and being asked to produce ID? Why would anyone attend Oscar parties just hours after a news conference announcing his impending arrest? How does this landslide of protest affect Kraft’s ability to run his football team?

Kraft is clearly headed for another showdown with Goodell. Is this perhaps a good time for Bob Kraft to step aside and let his son Jonathan run the team?

Just asking.

UPDATE AT 5:40 PM - Link to Shank's column now included, for better or worse...

It Pairs Well With A Globe Dead Tree Subscription

When your revenue stream from 'The Curse' books is drying up, you need to shake things up, don't you?

"I know Tomato Cans. I invented the genre."

Sportswriter @Dan_Shaughnessy's token phrase is now available on a t-shirt.

Visit the Globe Store for apparel, accessories, books, movies, and reprints of past Boston Globe front pages and articles 👉 https://t.co/zsbl7gusKl pic.twitter.com/QIKGeBEFLT

— Boston Globe Sports (@BGlobeSports) March 21, 2019

Feel The Excitement

Looks like Shank just might not regurgitate his latest column after all:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of C's, B's, Pats and Sox, plus Dan's Dates at 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 19, 2019

Shank On The NCAA Tournament

Caution - some slightly contradictory statements ahead:

Zion Williamson.

There. Now you have a reason to watch the NCAA Tournament.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost interest in March Madness in recent decades. Living in Greater Boston, we are increasingly removed from big-time college sports. When the NCAA tourney unfolds, it feels like the rest of the country is having a party without us.

I'm not buying that. There's absolutely nothing preventing you from turning on a freakin' TV set and tuning into these games. Since Thursday, I've watched about a dozen tournament games, and I'll agree that Zion Williamson is an awesome player. What Shank is trying to sell here, as usual, is lazy provincialism.

For folks in North Carolina, Kentucky, Indiana, and most of sports-watching America, the NCAA tourney is a three-week Super Bowl Sunday.

Not here. Sure, we have office pools and young folks obsessed with bracketology. Gamblers and fantasy players (is there any difference?) study every nuance of Gonzaga and Iowa State. But we have no dog in the fight.

Go, Northeastern!

Sticking To The Script

It's never too early for Shank to set up sky-high expectations for the New England Patriots, and you know one manner in which that narrative's established:

Tomato Can Formula never fails. Steelers and now Chiefs falling apart in front of our eyes. No good teams in AFC. Same old same old.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 15, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXII - Familiar With The Subject Matter

Shank's first subject in his most recent Picked Up Pieces column is one that's near and dear to his heart:

Red Sox seem a bit arrogant with this bullpen issue, and other thoughts

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Picked-up pieces from another 10 days hunkered down in the Fort . . .

■ The Red Sox are a wagon. They have 22 of 25 players back from a 119-win season. They have the best starting staff in baseball. They will score a ton of runs. Most of the competition in the American League stinks. The Sox are going to make the playoffs, even if everything goes wrong. They are vulnerable in only one area, and we all know what that is . . . the bullpen.

The bullpen wasn’t great last season, but Craig Kimbrel was out there, and so was hot-and-cold Joe Kelly. Now both are gone and the Sox have not addressed this area.

From there, Shank goes on to complain more about the bullpen situation, and a few others. But you probably knew that already.

The Obligatory Nathan Eovaldi Spring Training Column

And now for the next chapter in the series...

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The third game of the 2018 World Series changed Nathan Eovaldi’s life forever.

In one fateful night, the little-known righty from Texas became a hardball legend of almost mythic proportion. With the whole world watching and no one left in the Red Sox bullpen, Eovaldi morphed into Sidd Finch, Nuke LaLoosh, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

And it all happened on a night/morning in which he wound up being the losing pitcher.

Decent column actually, mostly because Shank doesn't fuck it up.

The Obligatory David Price Spring Training Column

Shank's back to writing about the Red Sox, albeit in a predictable spring training sort of way:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — It’s all quiet now for David Price. He is just another very good major league pitcher who makes a lot of money. He is just another World Series champ in a clubhouse with 21 other guys who can make the same claim. He is just another former Cy Young winner on a starting staff peppered with puffy résumés.

Perhaps most important, Price has passed the Boston pro sports terrible temperament torch to Kyrie Irving.

When discussing Price, no ever talks about Fortnite or Dennis Eckersley or postseason choking anymore. No one says, “Yuck.’’

Thanks for brining all of that stuff up again, Shank!

The Obligatory Chris Sale Spring Training Column

Well, what do you know? Shank's back to writing about current Red Sox players!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The last time we saw Chris Sale on a mound pitching to real live hitters, he was blowing a pitch past Manny Machado (on bended knee) to close out the World Series while millions watched on television and thousands of citizens of Red Sox Nation cheered from the upper deck on the first-base side of Dodger Stadium.

Monday morning was a little different, as Sale trotted out to the mound on back field No. 4 (Eddie Popowski Field) in front of a hundred pasty snowbirds, slovenly sportswriters, one NESN camera, and a good portion of the Red Sox baseball brass gathered behind the home plate screen.

Who knew Shank is a 'slovenly sportswriter'?

The Obligatory... Yaz Spring Training Column?

Shank sure seems reluctant to write about current Red Sox players, doesn't he?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Carl Yastrzemski is the greatest living Red Sox player. He’s rarely seen in Boston, isn’t sure he’ll ever return to Cooperstown, but feels the love every time he returns to Fenway Park to throw a ceremonial first pitch before yet another World Series victory.

“I’m undefeated!’’ Yaz says with a big smile as he recalls his ceremonial tosses.

Still worshipped in the church of Boston baseball, Yaz turns 80 in August. He just became a great-grandfather (“They don’t send the pictures to me because I don’t know how to get them off the telephone”), but he’s still working with young hitters in the Red Sox minor league complex at spring training.

Yastrzemski is our Koufax. Out of sight, never out of mind.

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - XXVI

Once again, Shank cannot write a column about Dustin Pedroia without insult:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — We all know the little kid who loves baseball more than anything.

Maybe you were that kid. Maybe you walked around the house with a Wiffle Ball bat in your hand all day. Maybe you slept in your uniform the night before your first Little League game. Maybe you got a new mitt for Christmas and put a ball in it and tied it up for the winter so it would have a good pocket for spring. Or maybe you wore your baseball pants when you rode your bike to school.

Maybe those were things you watched your own kids do.

Thursday in Fort Myers, Dustin Pedroia was that kid.

Nearly every time Shank does a column on him, he needs to point out Pedroia's height. This time it was a sly, subtle dig, but it doesn't make Shank any less of a douchebag when he does it.

The rest of the column is a fucking insult.

Exasperation

This one fits with the pattern established in other years. Shank's first column this season about the Boston Celtics comes after they lose a bunch of games and their star player complaining about damn near everything:

Kyrie Irving is as exasperating as he is talented

“He’s never coached any player like me.”

— Kyrie Irving on Brad Stevens

Out for a cold morning jog a couple of days ago, I came across two neighbors on their daily walk, and they insisted I take a pause from my hideous daily mile.

“Please, answer one question,’’ said one of the walkers. “What’s up with Kyrie?’’

You're asking a guy who barely watches the Celtics?

We were just seconds into a discussion about the mercurial Celtics guard when another hearty soul, the guy who delivers the morning Globe in our hood, wheeled to a sudden stop, rolled down his window, and said, “Dan, are we gonna trade Kyrie?’’

Wonder if that opinion changed after the Celtics smoked Golden State last night? His opinion probably changes like Shank's - on a near daily basis.

Playing To His Strengths

Shank hasn't banged out a column in over a week, so his weekly radio appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub left him without his usual script of regurgitating his column for the first couple of segments of the show.

But all is not lost! Who needs a script when you can just instead shit on one of the local sports teams who are in a recent tailspin?

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of Celtic bashing. Dan's Dates around 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 4, 2019

Field of Genes

With Shank unable or unwilling to write about the 2019 Red Sox, we get the occasional column designed to make him not look like a relentlessly negative asshole.

For Rich and Caitlin Hill, the decision to launch the “Field of Genes” campaign with a $575,000 donation to support research on rare and undiagnosed genetic diseases at Massachusetts General Hospital for Children stems from the waves of shock and confusion that confronted them five years ago.

When Brooks Hill was born at MGH on Dec. 26, 2013, Caitlin immediately knew that something was wrong. The boy’s mother, a registered nurse, recognized a “delicate energy” in the delivery room.

Brooks didn’t cry without stimulation. He had cortical thumbs folded into his hands and contracted legs and arms. Though the birth had been induced a few weeks before Brooks’s due date because he was undersized, Caitlin heard the doctors whisper that the placenta was the size that would be found had her son reached full term.

The Rivalry

It's baaaack!

It’s back: The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is renewed

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The Red Sox and Yankees each won 100 or more games in 2018 and Vegas established them as the teams with the best chance of winning this year’s World Series. The ancient rivals will play one another in London in June and expect to meet again in the 2019 playoffs. There’s always a chance of a couple of bench-clearing dust-ups along the way.

The 119th edition of Boston vs. New York kick-started Saturday at Fenway South with an 8-5 Red Sox victory in front of 9,884 hardball snowbirds.

Read on from there for some past Red Sox - Yankees talk, but certain things stick out more than others (emphasis added):

It looked like we might be in for another October classic when the Sox and Yankees split the first two playoff games in Boston. New York figured to do damage at home and some feared the 108-win Red Sox might be in danger of another early elimination.

In case there's any lingering doubt about who one of the 'some feared' crowd was at the time...

The Sun Will Rise...

...the sun will set, and Shank will take a shot at Robert Kraft:

When do Patriots release: "The Palm Beach County Police Report In Context"?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 23, 2019

I wonder what took him so long to comment on the matter? You and I knew it was just a matter of time.

Nick Cafardo, RIP

Shank's latest column:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Nick Cafardo worked in a profession peppered with competitive souls, jealousy, and millionaire athletes accustomed to being praised unconditionally. One of the best baseball writers of his generation, Nick managed to cover the sport without generating any hard feelings. Everybody liked Nick. The man had no enemies. For a baseball writer in 2019, that’s impossible.

We lost Nick Thursday at spring training. He was on the job, as usual. Around noon, standing by the work area outside the Red Sox clubhouse where the clubbies clean cleats, Nick collapsed and hit his head on the cement.

He was attended to by Red Sox medical personnel, who are in town to conduct routine player physicals, then transported to Gulf Coast Medical Center via ambulance, with Globe photographer Stan Grossfeld at his side. Once Nick got to the hospital, doctors could not keep his great heart going.

DHL Dan - LXXXI

I see we're already running out of Red Sox storylines when you're resorting to this crap...

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Picked-up pieces from 10 days of grueling investigative reporting in the Fort . . .

Like Shank's occasional one mile fitness run, a headline / sub-hed in search of proof.

■ Red Sox-Yankees is going to be very good this year.

The Sox will play the Yanks at Fenway South Saturday in their major league spring training opener. It starts a renewal of hostilities that will take the ancient rivals to London and back this season.

In 2004, when the Yankees came to Fort Myers for the first time after the Grady Little/Aaron Boone classic, 250 media members covered the meaningless exhibition. Then-Sox manager Terry Francona remembers seeing fans lined up on the sidewalks at 5:30 a.m. for a 1 p.m. start. A-Rod and Derek Jeter both made the 2½-hour bus trip.

It's not exactly the mishmash of stuff normally seen in a obvious mail-in column; worth reading, and I'm not just saying that because I have a few beers in me while I'm writing this...

Don't Bogaerts Our Joint

Are you scared yet?

You should be. At least that's what The CHB thinks.

"Where’s the panic" over the pending free agency and potential departure of Xander Bogaerts, he demands. "Where’s the outrage?"

Uh, we're Red Sox fans. Our boys are starting the current century much like we started the last one. They've won four World Series in 15 years, the same pace as in the 1900s, when they won four between 1903 and 1917. We have nothing to fear, except overwrought sports hacks.

So who cares if the Sox lost Jacoby Ellsbury, Jon Lester and Mo Vaughn to bigger deals in other towns? Ellsbury and Vaughn were busts. We could have used Lester, but would anyone today truly trade Lester for Sale?

And when Danny boy refers to Red Sox management as "smarter-than-everybody," the snark is meaningless. They are smarter than everybody. Or did the glow reflecting off the four World Series trophies induce momentary insanity in our resident critic?

No, "Nomar Garciaparra is not walking through that door." Ignoring, for the moment, that The CHB whined incessantly that Nomar was an untouchable fraud, let's just thank god Shank is, for once, correct. After all, Nomie is 45 and has been out of baseball since 2009.

But those who actually, you know, watch the games instead of the beer line have long since figured out that the Red Sox are the best organization in baseball. Hyperventilating over what could happen is no longer necessary.

Oh, and in case history repeats, the Red Sox were champs again in 1918. But I think The CHB already knows that.

The Victory Lap

Shank is there to report on Red Sox owner John Henry's one and only annual press conference.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Red Sox owner John Henry — the only man wearing a sportcoat on a blazing hot and humid Florida afternoon — stood in the shade, chatting, moments after his annual “state of the Red Sox” address Monday.

While Henry visited, camera crews broke down equipment, and it was hard not to notice a piece of red confetti breaking loose from a tripod and fluttering to the ground.

“That was probably a camera used to cover our parade,’’ offered Zineb Curran, Red Sox vice president of corporate communications.

A surprisingly snark-free column from Shank, but hey - you don't go pissing off the man who's cutting your paycheck every two weeks.

The White House Visit

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming (of paint-by-numbers profiles of a handful of Red Sox players during spring training) to bring you a favorite Boston Globe pastime - a column designed to paint a Republican president in a less than flattering light.

Could a White House visit divide the Red Sox? Team brass says no

Funny how I get the impression Shank's going to do some 'dividing' soon...

White House, scheduled for May 9 after the team plays a series in Baltimore, projects to be an awkward affair as we continue to get feedback regarding who plans to go and who plans to skip the event.

In November, days after the Sox won the World Series, manager Alex Cora initially said he would go to the White House with the team. Cora backed away from that pledge when he came to Boston in late January. Saturday morning here, the manager said he’s still undecided.

An unfortunate byproduct of winning a championship in any professional sport is the inevitable controversy around the traditional visit to the White House, this being Donald Trump’s White House.

Interesting to note that no controversy seems to exist when World Series winners visit the White House when there's a Democrat president. Read on if you want your intelligence insulted with disingenuous 'arguments'.

UPDATE AT 7:05 AM - Just remember - White House visits are totally different when you're the beat writer covering the Boston Celtics in the 1980's or when there's a Democrat in office.

The Obligatory David Price Spring Training Column

You folks know the drill by now with the spring training columns, right?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — David Price changed his uniform number from 24 to 10 during the offseason.

“You’ll figure it out,’’ a playful Price said a couple of times during his first media session at JetBlue Park Thursday morning.

Hmmm, No. 10. No. 10. Homage to the late, great Celtics guard Jo Jo White perhaps? Maybe a measure of respect for Rich Gedman, an underrated two-time All-Star from Worcester who caught for the Red Sox in the 1980s?

UPDATE, 2/16/2019 AT 7:50 AM - Forgot the link to the story; like you're gonna read the whole column, right?

The Obligatory Chris Sale Column

Looks like we have a decent column to start the otherwise dreary and predictable slew of player interviews during spring training.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Chris Sale would make a perfect New England Patriot. He doesn’t say much. He Does His Job. He wins. He leads by example. He stays off social media. He encourages his teammates.

Sale would not blend easily in the world of NBA superstardom. There’s no diva in the man. He’s not going to make pledges to the fans and then change his mind. He’s not going to call LeBron James for advice about how to deal with Rafael Devers or Andrew Benintendi. He’s not going to make his contract status a disruptive story.

Sale met with the media on a rainy afternoon after the first workout for Red Sox pitchers and catchers Wednesday. He addressed concerns about his shoulder that limited him to 158 innings last year. He acknowledged that this is the final year of his contract, but pledged not to let it be a distraction. He said Boston is “a special place,’’ and “I’d love to keep playing here,’’ but made no promises.

Shank, Out Of Bullets

While this may change in the near future, Shank is wholly unable to start shitting on the 2018 World Series champions out of the gate:

In sunny Florida, the Red Sox are fresh out of hot topics

FORT MYERS, Fla. — While New England braced for an overdue visit from winter, the world champion Boston Red Sox were gathering some 1,450 miles south in their warm winter replica of Fenway Park.

Tuesday was “reporting day” for pitchers and catchers. A bunch of Sox early arrivals worked in the batting cages (Jackie Bradley Jr. did some especially loud hitting), and Chris Sale and Eduardo Rodriguez played catch on a humid, 80-degree day. ESPN sent its A Team to relay the non-news.

It was hard to find a complaint and easy to break a sweat. Sorry.

Give him time; he'll come up with something, no matter how specious or contrived it is.

DHL Dan - LXXX

Shank 'treats' us to his first mailbag Picked Up Pieces column in two months:

Frank Robinson was probably the most underrated superstar ever

Picked-up pieces while transitioning from Fort Foxborough to Fort Myers . . .

Indeed - it takes a fair amount of work to transition from shitting on the New England Patriots to shitting on the Boston Red Sox...

■ Frank Robinson, who died Thursday at the age of 83, was quite possibly the most underrated superstar in the history of American sports.

Hall of Famer Jim Palmer called Friday to tell a story that reveals everything you need to know about Frank Robinson the competitor.

There's lots of good Frank Robinson stuff in the column, so it's worth checking out in full.

UPDATE AT 6:15 PM - Dan Shaughnessy, still a chiseler:

Mahomes (Patrick Mahomes' father) cited Mo Vaughn as one of his favorites and said he had no issues with the Boston media. He also pitched for the Mets in parts of 1999 and 2000 and said, “I loved playing for Bobby Valentine.”

I fully expect my expense account (“beers for Patrick Mahomes night before AFC Championship”) to bounce back from Globe accounting, but so far so good.

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - XXIX

That Roman numeral is an estimate, of course - a good estimated guess.

Anyway, here's Shank, a day after the New England Patriots celebrated their sixth Super Bowl title, in an obvious attempt to cast aspersions on the team:

Embedded Pats operatve Greg Schiano finally officially hired by NE as D-coordinator At Rutgers, Schiano made Steve Belichick long snapper. In Tampa, did joint practices w Pats, then got beat by NE 23-3 week 3. Traded L Blount to NE, then ran off D. Revis, who wound up with NE.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 6, 2019

My bad. I forgot to mention that while coaching the Bucs, embedded Patriot Greg Schianoalso traded A. Talibto Pats in addition to trading L. Blount to Pats and running off D Revis, who then joined the Pats. Bucs fans must love him.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 6, 2019

You'd think he'd have enough class to give it a week before pulling crap like this. Well, I don't think so, maybe you do.

Beating A Dead Horse, Claude Julien Edition

Former Boston Bruins coach Claude Julien was fired on February 7, 2017, as Shank professed outrage at the timing of the firing. Never mind that whenever he wanted someone run out of town, like Nomar Garciaparra or any other member of the Red Sox Shank deemed expendable, that was okay because that's different. Yesterday he had this curiously cryptic tweet on the matter, in some sort of backhanded measure to lay it at the feet of the New England Patriots' parade:

Pats victory parade? Wonder if Claude Julien is holding his breath up in Montreal today.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 5, 2019

Whatever that's supposed to mean.

Shank Surrenders

You want shameless bandwagon hijacking? This is how you do it, folks:

This one clinched it: Tom Brady is the greatest Boston athlete of all time

I surrender. No more old guy lobbying for Ted Williams, Bill Russell, and/or Bobby Orr.

Tom Brady is the greatest Boston athlete of all time.

Many of you are probably thinking, “Obviously, hi-ho. Everybody knows Brady is the best of Boston.’’

Not everybody. Not old-timers like me. Some of us remember things that happened before last weekend. We cling to the past and are reluctant to yield.

I am still bothered when 21st century Hub sports fans talk smack about David Ortiz being better than Teddy Ballgame. It’s not even close, people. Big Papi won those three championships, delivered in the clutch, and stood up for our city when tragedy struck in 2013, but he can never be a star the magnitude of Williams.

Dull Game, Dull Column

It's nice that the New England Patriots won last night, as it spares us from Shank taking a world-class shit on the team. What we get instead is one of the most predictable and cliche-filled columns in his 'storied' career.

ATLANTA — Take those old records off the shelf. The Patriots on Sunday night joined the Steelers as the winningest team in Super Bowl history, securing their sixth Lombardi Trophy with a 13-3 victory over the Los Angeles Rams at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

This one will not go into the vault as an instant classic. It was a punt-filled rock fight that will best be remembered for New England’s staunch defense and a Rams offense that set records for futility. It was 3-3 after three quarters and the Patriots “broke it open” when Tom Brady came to life and directed a 69-yard touchdown drive to give the Patriots a 10-3 lead with seven minutes left.
....
New England fans were the coveted “12th man” in the season finale. Almost 1,100 miles from Foxborough, the Super Bowl turned into a virtual home game for the Sons of Bob Kraft. It was as if the crowd was culled from extras who auditioned for “Mystic River” and “The Departed.’’ It’s safe to assert that more than half the fans at Sunday’s game have eaten at a Wahlburgers at one time or another.
...
Poor Goff. Hearing Gladys Knight sing the anthem was too much for the man. LA was too much for the man.

All that, and less, at the link.

Gameday Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

In case you were mislead about Shank's seemingly positive columns this week, look at the gossip he just passed around:

Report: Pats feel TB12 Method is linked to Gronk's injuries https://t.co/6URjJYJBgf

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) February 3, 2019

Most people are aware that Gronk has had a number of injuries throughout his career, but the article nonetheless states:

The New England Patriots are about to play in their third consecutive Super Bowl, but they feel that tight end Rob Gronkowski's struggles this season might be caused by his use of the TB12 Method, according to NFL Network's Michael Giardi.

Giardi reports that the Patriots feel Gronkowski's injuries to his ankle, Achilles and back are due to his preference to use the TB12 Method over the team's workout program.

"Internally the Patriots feel like Gronkowski brought some of this on himself," Giardi said. "During the offseason when he reported, he came in not as strong, not as fast and not as explosive ...The Patriots feel as though if maybe he had done it their way, as opposed to the TB12 way, of which Gronk is devoted to, maybe things would have been different."

Note that, as with other stories of this type, no one in 'the Patriots' is named or even alluded to, such as 'a Patriots representative who wishes to remain anonymous' or other similar disclaimer.

The five-time Pro Bowler first dealt with Achilles tendonitis in Week 5 that was listed as an ankle injury, reports NFL Network's Ian Rapoport. He later suffered a bulging disc in his back in Week 7 and spent most of the season on the team's injury report.

Rumors swirled that Gronkowski would retire after the 2017 season, and speculation has continued to grow this year. It was reported in January that the tight end is expected to weigh retirement again this offseason.

Gronkowski is reportedly feeling "100%" headed into the Super Bowl, according to Rapoport.

I like Giardi and generally trust his reports, but not this one.

And Now For More Boston Globe Employee Bashing

Tweet of the day so far:

11 hours before kickoff. I’m in the mood to read some fiction - Huck Finn, Harry Potter and Ben Volin.

Didn’t they get awarded Lamar Hunt trophy after beating Chiefs in AFCCG two weeks ago?

John Henry Fake Media Inc. https://t.co/oHmwFFV0O6

— Boston Radio Watch® (@bostonradio) February 3, 2019

Shank's Last Super Bowl LIII Column

Most of us were expecting other column themes from Shank - the paint-by-numbers quarterback comparisons, Shank's attempts at trolling major cities, etc., but we've seen none of that, which is a pleasant surprise.

Super Bowl week has been all about the Patriots

ATLANTA — Another Super Bowl . . . nine in 18 years . . . the Patriot Way is the only way . . . again.

This must be what it feels like to have more money than you can count. You have a garage full of Bentleys, multiple vacation homes around the world, and lose track of where you placed your Rolex watch.

So. Much. Winning.

The Patriots have been to so many of these mega-games that it becomes a little hard to remember specifics. The sites, the big plays, and the ancillary events start to blur. The Patriots have played Atlanta in Houston, and now they are playing Los Angeles in Atlanta. They have played Super Bowls against the New York Giants in two different cities. They played the Rams when the Rams were in St. Louis, and Sunday they are playing the Rams, who now hail from Los Angeles.

The other elements of a typical Shank column are there, of course - fake praise for the New England Patriots, hyperbole, and all that. I'll just note that this column's pretty good, and his other columns (three others) were as well. When compared to other Super Bowl run-ups for the previous two years, less is more.

Oh - one last thing:

...
The Patriots are only 2½-point favorites, but it feels like everybody’s picking New England. And all the money is being bet on the Patriots. This does not guarantee victory, of course, but given their experience in the big games (the Patriots have 37 players with Super Bowl experience, the Rams have four) and the momentum from wins over the Chargers and Chiefs, it’s hard to fathom the Patriots losing.

You folks know why that partial sentence is in there, correct?

Pretty Sure He Has Someone Particular In Mind

What's this that Shank re-tweeted? The first ever criticism of Shank's 'work' by his boss?

How ridiculous is the article questioning excitement about Patriots this week!? Media has questioned and doubted Pats all year. It reminds me of their absurd labeling of this Red Sox edition as “an unlikable team” for an entire year.

— John W. Henry (@John_W_Henry) February 1, 2019

Another International Man Of Mystery

While we await the proforma Shank column comparing Tom Brady to his Los Angeles Rams counterpart (Jared Goff), we'll have to settle for more fake palace intrigue.

Who is the mysterious Berj Najarian, Bill Belichick’s right-hand man?

ATLANTA — He is Tom Hagen in “The Godfather.’’ He is Doug Stamper on “House of Cards.’’

What's this? A 21^st century pop culture reference? Impressive!

He is Berj Najarian, consigliere to Bill Belichick. He is The Man To See if you want to see Bill.

“You’re never going to get to Bill unless you go through Berj,’’ said Scott Zolak, a Patriot insider for three decades. “Berj is the guy who dictates who Bill talks to.’’

“Everybody knows Berj runs the show down there,’’ added Troy Brown, a three-time Super Bowl winner with Belichick. “You had to go to Berj for everything. You’d walk in the front door and the first guy you’d see is Berj. He was in charge the whole time I was there.’’

Najarian is one of the most powerful figures on the Boston sports landscape, yet most fans have never heard of him. There isn’t much to find about him on the Internet. Najarian makes no sound and leaves no footprints.

Is he on loan from the mob? Is he a Russian agent or a contract hitman? Read on to find out!

Enjoying The Bar Scene?

Shank's latest Super Bowl column is a tad innovative:

Atlanta’s hospitality outshines its sports history

Is this a column, in typical Shank fashion, where he manages to piss off a large number of people even if it looks like he's paying them a compliment?

ATLANTA — Is this the next championship dateline of our local sports high renaissance?

The Patriots have won two Super Bowls in Houston. They won one in New Orleans, one in Jacksonville, and one in (gulp) Glendale, Ariz., where they also lost one. The Red Sox in this century have won World Series in St. Louis, Denver, Boston, and Los Angeles. The Celtics won their 17th title on the parquet floorboards of Causeway Street in 2008, while the 2010-11 Bruins had to go all the way to Vancouver to win their first Stanley Cup since 1972.

Now Atlanta. Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Is this the next destination on Boston’s new millennium championship tour?

Short answer - hell, yeah!

Folks here are still a little sensitive about Super Bowl LI, in which the Patriots pantsed the Falcons two years ago. You might remember it as the 28-3 game. In this spirit, it is not polite to wear your 28-3 jersey on your JetBlue flight to Atlanta this week. It’s a little rude. No need to rub it in. Folks here still think Bob Kraft was mean for putting 283 diamonds in the team’s championship rings that year. A bit much, no?

Not at all - let's write a column that fans the flames, like Sherman marching on... Atlanta.

Let The Cliches Fly!

You know the slew of Super Bowl stories would be pretty strained in terms of subject matter and content. I present yet another such column from His Shankness:

Super Bowl coaching matchup is a clash of generations

ATLANTA — Bill Belichick vs. Sean McVay.

It’s the Baby Boomer vs. the Millennial.

It’s your father’s Oldsmobile vs. the Mazda MX-5 Miata

It’s The Old Man And The Seedling. Woodstock meets Coachella. Wayne Newton vs. Wayne’s World.

Welcome to Super Bowl LIII.

Some 'welcome'...

The coach of the Patriots is 66 years old. The coach of the Rams is 33 years old. We could also mention that the quarterback of the Patriots is 17 years older than the quarterback of the Rams, but for today let’s confine the discussion to the two head coaches.

Right - because that'll give him another column for tomorrow or Wednesday using the same column template he's been using for decades now.

You can practically write the rest of the column yourself, knowing how predictable (and thus boring) it is. Whether you want to actually read it is another question.

Living In The Past - A Continuing Series

So you're Shank, and you just landed in Atlanta to ostensibly cover the New England Patriots in Super Bowl LIII. You just have to mention the 2011 Red Sox, don't you?

Just landed in Atlanta and it turns out that there is an airport restaurant dedicated to the 2011 Red Sox pic.twitter.com/gXvqc0yBNv

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 27, 2019

And It Makes Me Wonder

I'll go looking for it later on:

Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) was too gutless to go on Kirk & Callahan for years. I wonder what changed. https://t.co/UiKLShbm8J

— 617 Report (@617Report) January 25, 2019

Tweet Of The Day

The original tweet shows Trollin' Volin on the left hand side of the picture, but you get the point:

pic.twitter.com/l6U07TNLoI

— 617 Report (@617Report) January 25, 2019

No Heavy Lifting Required - III

Shank bangs out a column about the Patriots' first Super Bowl win, against the (same) Rams team that we'll be facing next Sunday.

The first one is always the best one.

On Feb. 3, 2002, the upstart, underdog New England Patriots beat the St. Louis Rams, 20-17, in Super Bowl XXXVI in the Louisiana Superdome.

It was the upset of upsets. And it still resonates 17 years later as the 2018-19 Patriots — owned, coached, and quarterbacked by the same three men who conquered the Rams in 2002 — attempt to win their sixth Super Bowl on the same date against the same opponent next weekend in Atlanta.

It's about what you'd expect - a paint-by-numbers recap of the game and not too much else of interest.

International Man Of Mystery

Someone on Twitter resurfaced this informative column by his Shankness from four years ago, picked up off of Shank's Twitter feed:

The Patriots’ man behind the curtain

Is little-known Bill Belichick confidant Ernie Adams the secret to the Patriots’ success?

By Dan Shaughnessy | Globe Staff

And - he's got a BatPhone!

PHOENIX — You can see the Ernie Hotline in the phone bank near the Patriots bench. Sometimes when Bill Belichick is prowling and scowling on the sideline, you get a glimpse of the wall of black phones behind the coach.

Under an NFL-shielded Microsoft Surface blue awning, in the middle of the row of old-timey wall phones, there is one handset with a strip of red tape affixed to the receiver. Somebody with a black Sharpie has identified the man on the other end of this line.

The five letters run from top to bottom of the handpiece.

E

R

N

I

E

Who is Ernie Adams? What does he do? These are the eternal questions surrounding the Mystery Man of the Patriots.

Again - this is a good / solid column, and showcases what Shank can do when he's not ragging on the local teams and / or searching for that soft spot on your back before he sinks the shiv in.

Whatever, Shank

Reaching into the bottom of the barrel for a silly thing to write about the upcoming Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Los Angeles Rams, Shank pulls this theme out:

‘Beat LA’ doesn’t work for Patriots-Rams — it’s strictly for Celtics-Lakers

I’m having trouble getting into the “Beat LA” mind-set as we begin the endless preparation for Super Bowl LIII in Atlanta, Feb. 3. Much as I’d like to go all Magic Johnson/Dancing Barry, East Coast vs. West Coast, gritty Boston vs. Showtime LA, it just isn’t working for me.

The Patriots are playing the Los Angeles Rams, but does this feel anything like Celtics-Lakers? Would the prospect of Trey Flowers sacking Jared Goff remind anyone of Kevin McHale’s clothesline takedown of Kurt Rambis?

We tried to push the Boston-LA theme when the Red Sox played the Dodgers in the World Series just three months ago, but it never really took hold. Certainly Sox fans enjoyed booing Manny Machado, but there was no deep-seated Hub hatred at the sight of Dodger blue. There was no Fenway Park vs. Dodger Stadium, no Joe Castiglione vs. Vin Scully, no Yaz vs. Sandy Koufax.

Everybody in Boston loves Dodgers manager Dave Roberts, and we never got caught up in the substance-vs.-style comparisons that marked Celtics-Lakers wars through the decades.

A good column, actually, I just thought the whole thing a bit silly, but that's the nature of a fair amount of Super Bowl stories.

Tweet Of The Day

Kelletman could be the biggest sports media idiot since Shaugnessey started his glorious run.

— Boston Radio Watch® (@bostonradio) January 21, 2019

Dishonest And Misleading Headline

The New England Patriots beat the Kansas City Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium last night, 37-31 in overtime. Naturally Shank has hijacked the bandwagon, but the headline for his latest column is what stuck out for me:

Once dissed and dismissed, the Patriots are back in the Super Bowl

Not included in his column is any mention of one of the local newspaper columnists who repeatedly 'dissed and dismissed' the New England Patriots throughout the regular season.

Douchebag AFC Championship Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Expecting something new?

No double score tonight.
Chiefs win toss, defer. Pats to receive.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 20, 2019

A Decent Column By Shank

How many times do you see that said about one of his pieces?

Remember how Shank, in the runup to a major playoff game for one of the Boston pro sports teams, would make an effort to antagonize both fanbases, whether it's Houston or Atlanta in football, or Cleveland in baseball? This is NOT one of those columns.

No one thinks the Patriots suck, they just want them to lose

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Tom Brady has it all wrong:

It’s not that America thinks the Patriots will lose. It’s that America wants the Patriots to lose.

The AFC Championship game will be played Sunday night at Arrowhead Stadium, hours before a super blood moon lunar eclipse. It will be a celestial event in every way. Planets are aligned and the whole football world will be watching.

When Was That?

When Bob Kraft still liked me https://t.co/x1SA7J7mf5

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 18, 2019

The correct answer being - never!

Dan Shaughnessy Headline Watch

What a difference a month makes - December 16, 2018:

Is this the end for Patriots dynasty?

PITTSBURGH — Have we reached the expiration date on the Patriots dynasty?

We’ve wondered this before.

But not today - January 16, 2019:

Tom Brady and the Patriots as scrappy underdogs? Give me a break

What a bandwagon hijacking fraud - read Shank's latest, if you want tired sports cliches and your intelligence insulted.

Fake News?

What the hell is this?

Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy is the 2018 Massachusetts Sportswriter of the Year https://t.co/6qtH6H6vpM

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) January 15, 2019

Back On The Bandwagon - XIX (At Least)

After spending at least half of the season questioning them in many different ways, he's back on the Patriots bandwagon.

FOXBOROUGH — A million years ago the great Muhammad Ali was involved in a fight vs. Ernie Terrell that reminded me of the Patriots vs. the Chargers Sunday.

The 1967 championship bout is remembered for its dominance and downright cruelty as Ali pummeled Terrell, throwing 737 punches and allowing the challenger to stick around for a 15-round beatdown. Ali, born as Cassius Clay, was angry because Terrell refused to recognize Ali’s Muslim name, and the champ spent 15 rounds hollering, “What’s my name,” as he pounded Terrell into a bloody pulp.

This is what we got Sunday at Gillette as Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and the ever-mighty Patriots put a stop to months of noise about Brady falling off a cliff and the final days of a crumbling dynasty with a 41-28 playoff beating of the estimable Los Angeles Chargers. (Pay no attention to that final score. It could have been 59-7.)

How's that for back on the bandwagon?

The only question for the upcoming week - is Shank dumb enough to attempt a troll on Kansas City like he's done to Houston, Cleveland and St. Louis in previous situations? Stay tuned!

Pretty Sure She Has Someone Particular In Mind

They do this all the time freak out how the pats are the lesser team and then we blow doors on them and it’s well we knew the pats would win... so annoying

— Christina Pivirotto(@CPivi910) January 13, 2019

Shank On The LA Chargers - II

Sorry for the late post - I suppose I've been as lazy as responding to this column as Shank was in writing it, because we get a typical Shank walk down memory lane.

Chargers-Patriots.

The first meeting was Oct. 8, 1960, when Dwight Eisenhower was in the White House and future Patriot Larry Eisenhauer was a senior defensive end at Boston College. The Chargers were the Los Angeles Chargers and the Patriots were the Boston Patriots.

Two of the AFL’s original eight teams, the Chargers and Patriots have played one another at Nickerson Field, Balboa Stadium, Fenway Park, Alumni Stadium (Boston College), Harvard Stadium, Schaefer (a.k.a. Foxboro and Sullivan) Stadium, Qualcomm (also Jack Murphy) Stadium, and Gillette Stadium. They have met 38 times in the regular season.

See what I mean?

Shank On The LA Chargers

The columnist who's spent the past five or six years pretending to like the New England Patriots and deriding every other team in the NFL as 'Tomato Cans' now sees a worthy playoff opponent.

This won’t be a typical playoff layup for the Patriots

I am the Tomato Can Whisperer.

I know Tomato Cans. I invented the genre. It’s sort of like creating Facebook or discovering your own solar system.

Just a bit overboard with the self-praise there, Shankaroni...

I identified the fraudulent Texans when they were 11-1 in 2012. I called out the hideousness of the playoff Colts in 2014 and the divisional-round Titans last year. Along with many others, I easily marked the Bills, Jets, and Dolphins of the AFC East (Warhol) Division. Trust me, I know Tomato Cans. I am to Tomato Cans what J. Robert Oppenheimer was to the atomic bomb.

And let me say this to the Los Angeles Chargers: You, sirs, are no Tomato Cans.

If you can stomach more of that bullshit, go right ahead and click that link.

Failing Another Logic Test

'We're' supposed to feel better about the Patriots' chances on Sunday because the better team won?

- Ravens fumbled on three of first eight possessions.
- SD running back Melvin Gordon out with knee injury.
Win-win so far for Patriots. The usual

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 6, 2019

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

An amusing tale of two tweets:

Colts are probably better at this hour, but since best thing for Patriots is Houston winning . . . Houston will win. Pats always get the easiest path.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 5, 2019

Yikes. Texans lose.
No layup in Divisional Round for New England.
If Pats want to get to the AFC Championship Game again, they may have to earn it. What a concept.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 6, 2019

Shameless Shank - always trying to have it both ways. What are the odds of Shank calling the Colts 'frauds' and 'tomato cans' by the time Thursday rolls around?

Shank On The Baseball Hall Of Fame Ballot

Slow news week, Shank?

Hey there, baseball fan. Happy New Year. Now tell me, how are you feeling about a Hall of Fame that includes Harold Baines but not Barry Bonds?

And what’s going to happen three years from now when David Ortiz and Alex Rodriguez appear on their first Hall ballot — in what is likely to be the 10th and final ballot failure for Bonds, Roger Clemens, and probably Curt Schilling?

Wow. Talk about worlds colliding. Just try to imagine Big Papi strolling into Cooperstown in his first year of eligibility while Bonds and Clemens are bounced off the ballot for failing to get the required 75 percent of the vote for 10 consecutive winters.

It could happen.

He doesn't talk about his own ballot for this year, which is a bit disappointing. Maybe he follows up on it later...

Having It Both Ways - II

No comment necessary...

Total fraud. From "Dynasty Dead" to "Guaranteed Super Bowl" in two weeks. After two AFC East wins. pic.twitter.com/vQccTN1Scu

— Bruce Allen (@bruceallen) January 1, 2019

Having It Both Ways

Typical Shank second guessing - if the Patriots win big, it is due in part to...

Tremendous stat-padding drive by Pats makes it 38-3 with 3:26 left.
Great to see Tom dropping back to pass on all those plays. Hope he comes back again in final minute for more. Bill still really hates the Jets. #karma

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 30, 2018

Give It A Rest Already

Shank's strange obsession with Richard Berman continues, for some damned reason.

Walt Coleman in the House for Pats-Jets today. I'm guessing this means all challenges will be reviewed by Judge Richard Berman.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 30, 2018

pic.twitter.com/e1SQJJDw9p

— Scott Kaplan (@WxManScott) December 30, 2018

He Got One Right!

I forgot to mention this one yesterday. I was pulling into the North Quincy T lot when Shank went on 98.5 The Sports Hub to fill in for Scott Zolak & Marc Bertrand. I wasn't going to wait to hear how it turned out; I'll just let Shank take it from here:

On today from 10-2 with Matt McCarthy filling in for @ZoandBertrand. It's bum-of-month-club week at the Hub with all of us filling in for the real stars. Hope Scott from Wrentham calls. We will have BB Hall ballot talk, Pats playoffs, Celtics struggles, etc. Dan's Dates 12:50

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 28, 2018

Shank Still Hates Numbers, A Continuing Series

Presented without comment:

Bracing for the next round of Patriots Media Cartel telling us how -- upon further review -- the AFC East actually doesn't suck.
It does.
Pats are only team never challenged in own division for almost every year of 18 years. No shame in admitting that. Not that difficult.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 26, 2018

While that may be true, they have been equally dominant inside and outside their division. Not many choose to acknowledge that. pic.twitter.com/T7q4veQ9uZ

— Cjmullysr(@mullinsnova) December 26, 2018

pic.twitter.com/keqGAeLo23

— RP III (@_BobbyPerry) December 26, 2018

Patriots Path To The Playoffs

Shank avoids in-game commentary (to avoid the jackass experience) on the Patriots / Bills game to deliver this incisive commentary:

Here it comes. Same old, same old. Pats easy win. Philly will beat Texans. Pats vault to 2 seed. 1st rd bye. Easy home game. KC knocked off in divisional round. AFC Championship again at Gillette. Even when Pats not that good, they get to Super Bowl. #MarchoftheTomatoCans

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 23, 2018

What Shank Wants For Christmas

He's not asking for much, is he?

If you pool all the NBA players for a dispersal draft to build a new team, I take the Greek Freak with the first pick.

You can have Anthony Davis, Kevin Durant, Karl-Anthony Towns, or Kawhi Leonard.

I have seen the NBA Future and its name is Giannis Antetokounmpo. Better known as the Greek Freak.

He’s 24 years old, 6 feet 11 inches, 235 pounds, and already in his sixth season in the NBA. He’ll be at the Garden Friday night with the first-place Milwaukee Bucks, who took the Celtics to seven games in a first-round playoff series last spring.

Shameless Shank

A day after declaring the Patriots dynasty all but over, Shank now tells us that they're not dead yet:

Don’t forget about the Patriots’ mojo factor

We can agree that the 2018 Patriots are not one of the stronger Bill Belichick/Tom Brady editions. Measured against their own heightened standards, these Pats do not compare with most of the Gillette teams that preceded them. They can’t win on the road, the ever-handsome Brady has become a Nervous Nellie in the pocket, and New England’s run defense looks as if it was designed by Bobby Valentine.

Headlines in the wake of Sunday’s loss have been predictable. Tuesday’s sampler includes: “Meet the Suddenly Ordinary Pats” (Globe); “How The Grinch Stole The Patriots’ Invincibility” (Wall Street Journal); “Patriots Look Ordinary, Vulnerable” (USA Today).

At times like this it’s important try to remember the secret weapon of the Patriot reign of the last 18 years.

It’s the time-tested, Walt Coleman/Pete Carroll/Richard Berman Factor.

I am talking about the horseshoe. The juju. The karma. I’m talking about the football gods that always shine on the House of Kraft. When all hope is lost, we need to remember that there’s almost always a Tuck Rule, a goofy slant pass, or a Patriot-lovin’ federal judge just around the corner.

Leaving aside the fact that Judge Berman did not help the Patriots win any games, we'd just like to point out the last two Shank columns seriously contradict each other, and he does not care in the slightest if anyone notices this.

Asking The Tough Questions

Not a difficult call, but when the New England Patriots lose two games in a row, it's all hands on deck to ask whether The End Is Near:

PITTSBURGH — Have we reached the expiration date on the Patriots dynasty?

We’ve wondered this before. And each time the Patriots have answered with another surge to a Super Bowl. That could still happen again between now and February. The weakened 2018 Patriots should be able to win their final two regular-season games (home layups with the Bills and Jets) and perhaps the Chiefs, Chargers, Texans, Ravens, Steelers, and Colts will all go south before the start of the NFL tournament. It’s possible that these Patriots could still secure a first-round bye, have their way in January, win a couple of games at Gillette, and mock their detractors on the way to Atlanta for Super Bowl LIII.

And speaking of 'detractors'...

...
But it doesn’t feel like another Patriots playoff surge is coming, does it? There comes a time when mystique and aura are nothing more than smoke and mirrors. There comes a time when being smarter is not enough, when waiting for the other guy to step on his own appendage will not guarantee victory. There comes a time when your own ability and execution are more important than all the good things that have happened before. There comes a time when you will not get the benefit of some strange rule that will be changed during the offseason. There come a time when assuming the other guy will lose his mind and hand you the game is more hope than reality.

So Miami and Pittsburgh weren't 'tomato cans' after all? Or is that going to be the theme for the next two weeks (with the upcoming Bills and Jets games)? It's almost confusing, unless you know that the 'tomato can' theory is complete bullshit and used just to get a rise out of Patriots fans.

You Were Saying?

Steerlers 1st and goal from 4. Come away with nothing. This is paint-by-numbers formula for losing to New England. Defeat by stupidity.
Wait for it.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 16, 2018

Wait for Shank to blister the Patriots with a column to the contrary any moment now...

Original Gameday Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Bet you've never heard this one before!

Pats lose toss. Steelers take the ball.
Playing right into Bill's hands.
When will they ever learn?
now watch Steelers go from 4 seed to 8 seed. In three hours.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) December 16, 2018

Return Of The Tomato Cans - Part Deux!

You just knew this was coming, didn't you?

PITTSBURGH — This is football country. It’s the home of Mean Joe Greene, the Steel Curtain, the Terrible Towel and the Immaculate Reception. It’s where thick-fingered fans belly up to the bar for a shot-and-a-beer after an overnight shift. It’s the birthplace of Johnny Unitas and Dan Marino. It’s where folks speak in reverent tones about the Rooney family, Chuck Noll, and six Super Bowl championships — more than any NFL franchise.

Swell.

So how in the name of Terry Bradshaw did quaint Olde New England become a football region capable of mocking the vaunted gridiron culture of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania?

Because of the five Super Bowl championships by the Patriots?

The Patriots are at Heinz Field on Sunday and no one in Greater Boston is worried about the outcome. The 2018 Steelers probably have more talent than this year’s Patriots. The Steelers are playing at home and have much on the line. The Steelers will have 68,000 black-and-gold clad fans making it difficult for Tom Brady to hear when the Patriots offense goes to work in the enclosed end of the stadium.

And none of it will matter. The Patriots will beat the Steelers because they always beat the Steelers. In this century, the gridiron glory and tradition belongs to Bill Belichick, Brady, and Patriot Nation. Pats fans laugh at the Steelers and make fun of them as if they are the Tampa Bay Rays or the Orlando Magic.

Milking It, By Dan Shaughnessy - A Continuing Series

Not content with ragging on the Patriots a single time for their loss last Sunday to the Miami Dolphins, he feels the need to do so a second time this week.

We’re on to Pittsburgh . . .

Actually, no. This is New England in 2018, and we don’t let go of a horrible loss. Not overnight. Not in a couple of days. Sometimes never.

“It’s the National Football League,’’ Bill Belichick reminded us on WEEI Monday. “No one died.’’

That’s easy for you to say, Bill. Here in New England, we never let these things go (anyone seen Malcolm Butler?). We dissect and analyze. We perform an autopsy. We spit out pieces of our broken luck and wallow in a quagmire of agony. We seek counseling.

And we rate the pain.

And write column after column after column about huge, heartbreaking losses by the pro sports teams in Boston like the relentlessly negative asshole he is.

Loving The Loss

There's no other way to describe this latest column of Shank's - he's absolutely delighted about the Patriots' 34-33 loss to the Dolphins on Sunday.

MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — OK, let’s just call it the worst non-playoff loss in Boston sports history.

Hyperbole?

Maybe not. I dare you to come up with anything more hideous and ghoulish than what happened to the Patriots at Hard Rock Stadium Sunday afternoon. And the consequences are likely to be enormous.

By now you have probably seen the Dolphins’ hook and ladder/double lateral a million times. You’ve seen the 69-yard touchdown scramble pass play with seven seconds left in the game. It was Ryan Tannehill to Kenny Stills to DeVante Parker to Kenyan Drake. The lasting image of the play will be that of the world’s largest defensive back — Achilles’-aching Rob Gronkowski — diving in vain as Drake bolted past him and into the end zone after time expired. The only thing missing was the trombone player from the Stanford marching band.

Talk of tomato cans, luck and everything falling the Patriots' way will start again soon, but not until Shank does a victory lap over the next couple of days, and he will be insufferable on his next Sports Hub appearance.

DHL Dan - LXXIX

Just what I wanted for Christmas - another picked-up pieces column!

The Baseball President

Shank's latest column, on the recently deceased former President:

No president was more of a baseball guy than George H.W. Bush

George Herbert Walker Bush was a baseball guy.

He had a photo taken with Babe Ruth. He played college ball against Vin Scully and twice played in the College World Series in Omaha. He got Ted Williams to campaign for him in New Hampshire in 1988. He invited Ted and Joe DiMaggio to the Rose Garden for lunch in 1991 — the 50th anniversary of Ted’s .406 season and Joe’s 56-game hitting streak. Bush presented Ted with the Presidential Medal of Freedom that same year.

Bush entertained fellow Texan Roger Clemens at the White House in the summer of 1986 and invited a pack of sportswriters to the Roosevelt Room to talk about baseball before the start of the 1989 playoffs.

Whoops!

More evidence that Shank does not have an editor:

.@Dan_Shaughnessy: Here’s all you need to know — Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are 37-5 in December in Foxborough. https://t.co/0P40YDfgiv

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) December 3, 2018

Correction: The Patriots are 33-4 in Foxboroughin December during the Brady/Belichickera. https://t.co/brQlSeifM7

— The Boston Globe (@BostonGlobe) December 3, 2018

Living In The Past, A Continuing Series

Dear Bill Belichick:

Remember when your Patriots team sucked big hairy donkey balls? I do!

Sincerely,

Your pal, Shank

The Patriots have an important home game against the Vikings on Sunday. The Patriots currently are the No. 2 seed in the AFC and stand a chance to earn the conference’s top spot over the last five weeks of the season. New England is primed to win its division for the 10th consecutive season and we fully expect the Patriots to be in the AFC Championship game for the eighth straight year. A ninth Super Bowl for Bill Belichick and Tom Brady is certainly a possibility for Feb. 3.

It wasn’t always like this.

And I’m not talking about Billy Sullivan, Rod Rust, or the Foxborough Follies of the 20th century.

Anybody remember when Bill Belichick was the local football doofus and the Patriots were the Tomato Cans of the AFC East?

Shank sure does - to no one's surprise, he already wrote this column two-plus years ago and reuses it again today. What does this have to do with today's game? Absolutely nothing, other than to once again troll Patriots fans, take a dump on Bill Belichick and generally be an asshole.