Christmas Wrapping

Shank emerges after a one week absence to write about the Celtics' first game of the year. It's a pretty good column until he interjects yet another Red Sox reference in a non-Red Sox piece:

What is it about headphones and ownership guilt? When the 2011 Chicken-and-Beer Red Sox complained about playing a late-season day-night doubleheader, they were treated to a night on John Henry’s yacht and a complimentary set of headphones. The gesture was widely mocked. So what are we to make of the NBA trying to show some sweetness after a 161-day lockout that cut each player’s 2011-12 salary by 19.5 percent?

What is it about Shank and the Red Sox?

Dan Shaughnessy, The Ultimate Hypocrite?

Before I begin - am I being fair or unfair with this post?

Dan Shaughnessy on accused child molester Jerry Sandusky (or rather, Sandusky's former connection with the Penn State football program):

Penn State should cancel the rest of its football season.

Now.

Legendary coach Joe Paterno and school president Graham B. Spanier were fired by the Board of Trustees late Wednesday night, and these same officials would do well to take the next step and announce the cancellation of the remainder of Penn State’s football season, starting with tomorrow’s “big game’’ against Nebraska.

Then send pink slips to everyone working on the football staff.

It’s time to start over, folks. This has gone on far too long already.

Shank, on accused child molester (and fellow baseball writer) Bill Conlin:

here

Read it for yourself. I believe the same level of information is / was available for both Sandusky & Conlin, but Shank fails to mount his high horse on a fellow baseball writer. I wonder why that is?

DHL Dan - IX

When we get back-to-back columns from Shank, the second one tends to be of lesser quality than the first. On that scale, Shank comes through.

DENVER - Leave it to the Patriots to ruin things for everybody else.

Sports fans of America yesterday turned their eyes toward this stadium one mile above sea level, hoping to see another miracle; a burning bush, a football Fatima, perhaps 80,000 fans feasting on a few fishes and loaves.

No. There was no Tebow Time this time. Instead, we witnessed another routine execution by the brutal New England assassins who’ve ruled the AFC East in nine of the past 11 seasons.

Patriots 41, Broncos 23. Praise the Lord and pass the humble pie.

Over the top, cliche ridden and chock full of lame song lyrics - the definitive Shank column, everyone!

Revelations

Shank turns into a holy roller for this column.

DENVER - Holy cow. Holy Toledo. Holy smokes. Holy water. Holy holiday. Holy Any Given Sunday of Obligation.

The rest of the column is readable, believe it or not...

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - IV

Presiding over the decline of a company in a near-obsolete industry can be quite rewarding:

The New York Times Company (parent company of the Boston Globe - Ed.) today abruptly announced that its 61-year-old chief executive officer, Janet Robinson, will leave at the end of the year, with no permanent successor lined up.

An SEC filing says Ms. Robinson will get $4.5 million plus health insurance for a 12-month retirement and consulting agreement, including "two-year non-competition, non-solicitation and non-disparagement covenants, a three-year cooperation covenant and an indefinite confidentiality covenant."

The Times itself reported that Ms. Robinson's pay in 2009 was $4.9 million, so she'll earn almost as much as a retired consultant as as a full-time CEO.

The handy investment calculator on the Times corporate Web site shows that $10,000 invested in NYT stock the day Ms. Robinson took over as CEO, on December 27, 2004, would be worth $1,855.14 today, a decline of 81.45%. The price of the stock went from $40.59 when she took over to $7.53 today, and though some dividends were paid out early in her tenure as CEO, the dividend has since been suspended.

It's all almost enough to be grist for one of those angry New York Times editorials or business section columns about executives whose outsized pay bears no relation to performance. In this case, the board hasn't fired the chairman, Arthur Sulzberger Jr., whose family controls the board and the company through a special class of stock. Ms. Robinson could perhaps argue that she earned her pay by serving as someone outside the family for the family to blame for the poor performance.

Which do you think accounts for more of the $4.5 million, the non-competition covenant or the non-disparagement covenant? Mark your calendar for two years from now when the non-disparagement agreement expires.

I have December 16, 2013 marked on my calendar. I'm looking forward to some December fireworks!

Busted

The things you miss when you're at a tax seminar. I wonder if this was reported in the Boston Globe?

Sam Shaughnessy, who as a star outfielder in high school was the subject of father Dan's book Senior Year, then played a year of college ball at BC, was arrested last Friday in Brookline, Mass. The charges: disorderly conduct, assault and battery on a police officer, and resisting arrest.

According to Wicked Local Brookline, Sam Shaughnessy approached police as they were making another arrest. Police say he appeared drunk (it was late morning!) and was bleeding from his knuckles and leg.

UPDATE at 8:45 AM - Answer to the above question is no. I'm shocked...

Swing And A Miss

I thought I had Shank's next column pegged with the previous post. I was thinking Shank would zig when instead he zagged and instead climbed aboard the Rob Gronkowski bandwagon:

LANDOVER, Md. - Twenty-two-year-old tight end Rob Gronkowski has emerged as everybody’s favorite Patriot. Sure, that guy Brady’s OK, but Gronk is the man-child who catches everything, sheds tacklers like he’s dusting dandruff off his shoulders, and gets to the end zone more than any tight end in NFL history.

I say it’s because of his neck. You’ve never seen a guy with a neck like this. Must be tough buying shirts.

A decent column ensues, even by Shank's low standards. This paragraph stuck out for me:

We are 13 games into this Patriots season and we know so little about the local 11. They are 10-3 and every other quarterback in the conference seems to be hurt or awful, but it’s hard to have good feelings about New England’s playoff prospects. There’s no running game, the defense lacks talent and depth, and they never put together a solid 60 minutes.

Maybe I'm nitpicking just a bit, but isn't the first sentence contradicted by the third? I think anyone watching the Patriots play this season would have drawn the same conclusion two months ago.

Missing In Action

We've not had a column from Shank in almost a week. Here's a guess on the topic of his next epic work:

Manny Ramirez has officially been reinstated from the voluntary retirement list by Major League Baseball, sources told ESPN The Magazine's Buster Olney on Saturday morning.

Right in his wheelhouse, wouldn't you say?

Zero Horsepower

For those of us that watch professional football at any level of interest, Shank states the obvious: The Colts are not good this year. Shank feigns disinterest in the game, telling us he'll be taking a nap instead. As you'd expect with any half-assed Shank column, it is chock full of Shankisms, like "the immortal Dan Orlovsky" and "the immortal Kenneth “Gameday" Sims", a mention of the Red Sox ("The Colts without Manning have folded up like the September Red Sox."), the “18-12 Overture", and a mention of Indy's stadium, known to Shank as the "Lucas Oil (Can Boyd) Stadium". The only thing missing from the column is a Beatles or Springsteen song lyric.

Glowing Words, Indeed

Shank celebrates the arrival of Bobby Valentine as the 45th manager of the Boston Red Sox. Why is it that almost every single person reporting on this hiring has to mention he's the 45th manager? Is there something unique with the number 45 that I haven't picked up on?

A straightforward recap of Valentine's career and the people involved in the decision are mentioned in the first part of the column. The words 'John Henry' and 'Liverpool' are now destined to be combined in the same sentence whenever Shank takes a shot at mentions John Henry. Shank should open a new toy store - "Cheap Shots 'R Us".

Swell stuff. So good, so good, so good. Boston baseball’s winter of defection and discord was badly in need of this Sweet Caroline moment.

Forget the fact that it's not even winter yet (I know, poetic license and all that), but what better way is there to kill a column's momentum then the obligatory lame lyric mention - Sweet Caroline, a unique combination of banal pedestrian boredom, death by overplay, and Shank's seal of approval. It's a triple play!

Remember all that bitching and moaning Shank did over the past two months, trashing the process & everyone involved?

It doesn’t really matter now anyway.

That's convenient, isn't it? Do you think Shank will remember that sentiment when the Sox hit their first five game losing streak?

Oh Where, Oh Where

... is the Shank column on Bobby Valentine?

Shank's Stomping His Feet Again

My, what a petulant little whiner this guy can be...

Tomorrow marks the two-month anniversary of Terry Francona’s last day on the job and still the Red Sox are without a manager.

The Clarence Thomas hearings were swifter and tidier than this.

Unless you're name's Clarence Thomas, you would agree. Or is this a classic non sequitur?

The world champion St. Louis Cardinals needed 12 days to find a manager after Tony La Russa resigned.

Look what kind of a manager that will get you. Due diligence is, like, so last century!

That, and a few other points from his November 20th column, are rehashed and folded into a few current updates to get a new column. Is this a new thing, partial recycling?

This was pretty funny:

I reached Lucchino briefly in his office yesterday morning. He said he couldn't talk to me. He said there would be no announcement yesterday.

I followed that up with, “Do you have any comment on how indecisive this makes you guys look?’’

“Goodbye, Dan,’’ he answered. “Nice to talk to you.’’

Click.

Dial tone.

In conclusion, here's some fun stuff on Bobby V, Shank's preferred candidate. It would be interesting to have Valentine around if only for the following dynamic:

His reputation also includes the way he deals with reporters. A reporter who covered him in Texas told me a long time ago that Valentine has a divide-and-conquer strategy by which he pits the writers against each other and divides them into two groups: those who will do his bidding and those who won’t. Guess which group gets Bobby’s leaks?

They are Bobby’s Boys, and they will write anything to make Valentine happy because he makes them happy by leaking stories to them. Valentine’s interview with the Red Sox provided Bobby’s Boys with their latest opportunity to extol his virtues.

Any guess as to where Shank would end up in this food chain?

Dirty Laundry II, coming to a Shank column in 2012!

UPDATE AT 8:55PM - It's official!

Logically, as one man accused of presiding over a boozy clubhouse leaves town, one accused of presiding over a gang of loafing potheads enters.

He's been out of MLB for a while. Valentine was shitcanned after the stonery 2002 Mets finished 75-86, and he managed Japan's Chiba Lotte Marines from 2004-2009. He then left Japan and returned to Connecticut, where he opened a sports bar and took a low-level municipal government position. This year, he replaced Joe Morgan on Sunday Night Baseball and turned up all over ESPN.

And now he's the manager of the Sox, per ESPN's Gordon Edes. This is gonna be a fun year in Boston.

Empty Feeling

Shank goes to another high school football game and gets another decent column out of it. I like the way he just happens to find a local angle to blend into the Penn State angle.

It’s always a drag when you lose the last football game of your high school career, especially when it’s Thanksgiving and they dedicate the stadium to your school’s legendary coach.

This was what it was like for Catholic Memorial seniors at the newly named James R. O’Connor Stadium yesterday. A spectacular season and a chance to win the Catholic Conference and make it to the playoffs (and maybe the Super Bowl at Gillette Stadium) went down the disposal with lumpy mashed potatoes when CM was beaten by BC High, 13-0.

CM's best two players have committed to playing at Penn State:

But there will be more football for CM stars Armani Reeves and Camren Williams, and that’s where this gets interesting. Reeves, a running back/defensive back, and Williams, a linebacker/tight end, have both given verbal commitments to Penn State.

"Distraction", "we want to focus on the game"., etc. proceeds for the next couple of paragraphs, then Williams talks to Shank:

“I am still committed to Penn State, yes,’’ said Williams, son of Brent Williams, who played eight of his 11 NFL seasons with the Patriots and serves as an assistant coach at CM. “Penn State has the best kinesiology [study of human movement] school in the country and that’s what I want to study. I love the campus. As a student, I am still committed to Penn State. As a football player, that’s still a question. We don’t really know what happened and we don’t know what’s going to happen.’’

...while Reeves does the smart thing and runs for the exit:

Reeves couldn’t be found after the loss to BC High. He was as elusive off the field as he’s been during his spectacular career on Baker Street. He’s got a chance to be the Massachusetts Gatorade Player of the Year and will play with Williams at the Semper Fidelis All-American Bowl in Phoenix in January.

Inadvertent or clever working in of the Gerry Rafferty reference there?

A Shanksgiving Tale

Even the likes of Shank realize it's in bad form to trash local sports figures such as Curt Schilling, Manny Ramirez, Jacoby Ellsbury, Claude Julien, Bill Belichick, and Red Sox management and ownership one day from Thanksgiving, so we get the annual local high school athlete column. If Jonathan DiBiaso makes it to the National Football League, he can look forward to Shank treating him like Tony Eason.

Shank Hearts Valentine

I neglected to mention Shank's other potential column subject - Bobby Valentine is the bomb!

He is married to the daughter of Ralph Branca, who threw the gopher ball to Bobby Thomson at the Polo Grounds in 1951. His first roommate in professional baseball was Bill Buckner, when the two were drafted by the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1968. He managed the Texas Rangers, who were once managed by Ted Williams. He also managed the New York Mets, who inflicted immeasurable pain to our region in 1986.

Is there any doubt that Bobby Valentine is destined to be the next manager of the Boston Red Sox?

No. There can be no doubt. This is a man directly connected to the two most infamous moments in baseball’s 20th century. And that is only one of the reasons that he is the perfect fit to be the 45th manager in the storied history of the Boston Red Sox.

Shank's in such a great mood he trots out lame song lyrics to buttress his cheerleading for Valentine:

Valentine desperately wants this job. If we can quote Don Henley we can say that Bobby V would walk on his lips through busted glass to get to the corner office at Fenway Park.

Some words stick out more than others:

New York City folks who endured the tragedy of the fallen towers in 2001 will tell you that Bobby Valentine was the real deal when it came to caring for victims after the attacks. For once in his life, he was all action, little talk. Not bad for a guy who’s often been portrayed as a fraud and a poser.

Shank will be using those two words to describe Valentine when the Red Sox have their first serious losing streak.

Seventh Circle Of Hell?

I might be going out on a limb here, but it looks like Bobby Fucking Valentine will be the next manager of the Boston Red Sox. Maybe I'm reading too much into this paragraph:

Valentine had a conversation with Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino in 2003, before Terry Francona was hired. During that process, Valentine also had come highly recommended to Red Sox majority owner John W. Henry by longtime Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda.

I'm aware this guy knows his stuff, but I've always had the impression of Valentine as a clown / buffoon, and that was well before the fake nose / moustache routine in the dugout that Shank alluded to earlier today. If anything, it sealed my opinion of him. I take Valentine as seriously as, for instance, Donald Trump as a presidential candidate or savvy businessman.

Shank column prediction - he'll still bitch & moan about the selection process, along the lines of 'it's about time'.

No, You're A Doofus!

The Red Sox take their time hiring a new manager, which gets Shank's panties in a bunch.

Can the Red Sox do anything else to boost their image as a doofus organization?

High school diction at its finest!

Remember when the Yawkey Way boys were a mere team, playing baseball games?

Not anymore. The Sox don’t play games in November (they don’t play in October anymore, either, come to think of it). But they are in the news, and on our minds much more than the Celtics, Bruins or midseason Patriots.

I wonder if he wrote that last sentence with a straight face. The Celtics are locked out, the Bruins just won their eight consecutive game last night and the Patriots are atop the AFC East with a 6 - 3 record. Who does Shank think he's kidding?

...
Things got so bad last week that Miss Heidi left without even leaving a note (the good news on that one is it finally gives Tom Werner something to do). Can’t say we blame her.

I'll be charitable here - to imply the Red Sox organization had any say in Heidi's departure just means that Shank's reaching for negative things to hang on the Red Sox ownership. Indirect affect, perhaps, but direct? Sorry, but Shank's wrong on that point.

...
It doesn’t really matter how long it takes if the Sox wind up getting the right guy, but this process at the very least raises questions about the chain of command on Yawkey Way.

I wonder how many local sports reporters and columnists have been raising questions about the chain of command on Yawkey Way?

Red Sox columns by Shank since Oct. 24 (including two picked up pieces columns) = six.

By Bob Ryan = zero.

By Tony Massariotti = six.

By Ron Borges = zero.

By Steve Buckley (excluding article on Luis tiant) = two.

By Gerry Callahan = zero.

By Johnn Tomase = too many to count.

My conclusion - a mixed bag. Reviewing John Tomase's columns, I find the 'let's shit on Red Sox management & ownership' genre of columns to be of less frequency than Shank's totals. I don't find Mazz's columns nearly as harsh on the Sox brain trust as Shank's; your results may vary. With that filtering, I think it's not 'raising questions', it's Shank raising the questions.

After the soft parade of Dale Sveum, Pete Mackanin, Sandy Alomar Jr., Torey Lovullo, and Gene Lamont, Sox ownership effectively emasculated new general manager Ben Cherington in Milwaukee last week, thumbing their noses at Sveum, the choice of Ben and his baseball ops team. Then we find out the owners wanted a guy like Bobby Valentine all along.

So, what was the Dale and Pony Show at Fenway over the last three weeks? Was it really necessary to trot all those guys out in front of the media so we could find out that none of it was serious?

Why the misdirection? Why make your serious new GM look powerless right out of the gate (Ben is in the Dominican Republic this weekend, scouting Yoenis Cespedes while the grown-ups resume the managerial search)? What is happening at the top?

Shank mentioned two managers that he'd prefer lead the Red Sox - Bobby Valentine was one of them. You'd think he'd be somewhat happy about this development, but that's not the Shank we know and love...

John Henry has gone underground since bursting into the SportsHub studios. It’s pretty clear that pork bellies, Liverpool, and his new family have taken his attention away from the Red Sox. Meanwhile, Inspector Werner is now on the case looking for the next Heidi and more of that nifty, award-winning NESN programming. That leaves Larry Lucchino, “the man who runs the Red Sox.’’

I'll bet $50 that Shank wanted to write Inspector Clouseau instead. But he can't trash the guy who gave his daughter an internship in Werner's Hollywood company, can he?

Without saying much of anything, Larry is presenting as the de facto GM of the Red Sox, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The Sox could have used some of Larry’s urgency when Jonathan Papelbon was allowed to walk without receiving an offer.

Papelbon was determined to test the free agent market come hell or high water. Any offer the Red Sox would have put forth had a very high probability of being rejected. The fact that he was the first free agent signed tells you one thing - he wanted out of Boston, period.

...
Now it’s on to Bobby V.

This is going to be great. Let’s hope Valentine brings the fake nose and glasses he wore in the Mets dugout. Maybe he has a Groucho mask.

Or a Dan Shaughnessy wig...

UPDATE at 10:05 PM - Shank writes:

Speaking of pathetic, we have the Cirque-de-so-lame managerial search, which is now coming up on its eighth week. The world champion St. Louis Cardinals needed only 12 days to find their man.

That man would be Mike Matheny, who just walked away from an approximate $4 million mortgage and was sued by the lending bank the next month. Do you think the Red Sox just might be performing more due diligence in their managerial search than other teams? Is it possible things like this matter to the Red Sox and might be a factor in the length of time of their managerial search? We don't know, but Shank apparently doesn't think so. Maybe Matheny and real estate mogul Donald Trump can get together on a project?

Is Shank Done At CNN / SI?

No CNN / SI posts from Shank in seven weeks. I'd like to think they got sick of him reusing Boston Globe columns. Since I can't find squat on any public details, we'll do what Shank does so well - rely on rumors and innuendo!

Smackdown

Reader Ian e-mails me a pretty good fisking of Shank's November 14th column. Not that I'm making excuses or anything (right!), but this is the level of mocking a lazy, mail-it-in dead tree columnist so richly deserves.

Addition By Subtraction?

The website Awful Announcing laments the departure of Red Sox sideline babe Heidi Watney, who's moving back to her home state of California to cover the freakin' L.A. Lakers? How could you betray us like that, Heidi?

All kidding aside, good for her. But you know that's not the main reason I link to this post:

If only Boston could find a way to get rid of Dan Shaughnessy:

Check out the embedded video clip, if only to catch Shank at the height of his dorkiness.