And Now, Batting Fourth...

Shank finally gets around to the obligatory Jacoby Ellsbury column. Unsuprisingly, Ellsbury doesn't want to discuss the 2010 season with Shank (as we're lead to believe in the very first sentence). There's not much new ground to cover in the first half of the column, Shank having devoted a number of columns on the subject. I was expecting much more petty vindictiveness (Mark McGwire & Jay Cutler mentions notwithstanding), but we'll just have to settle for this:

Ellsbury stonewalls better than most. Maybe it comes from being a Scott Boras client. Or maybe the kid is just a natural. In any event, he won’t give it up. He wouldn’t even pinpoint when his ribs were finally 100 percent.

Why would that be, so Shank can trash him on something else?

With nothing like that level of substance to talk about, when will we see our first genuine mail-it-in job? I'm guessing it will be the Sunday column.

Just Buy A Restaurant, Shank...

That way you'll be able to stir as many pots as you want at the same time!

Not content with declaring Jonathan Papelbon gone at year's end, or dredging up John Lackey's 14-11 record last year, Shank now aims his cross hairs at Josh Beckett, in a rather disingenuous fashion:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Not to heap any additional pressure on the man,

Shank is just so full of shit, isn't he?

but Josh Beckett stands to be the most important Red Sox player as we look toward this season of great expectations.

Now, onward - to flunk his own logic test:

Sure, Kevin Youkilis is the soul of the Sox. Dustin Pedroia has been an MVP. Adrian Gonzalez could be the answer to Mark Teixeira. Carl Crawford brings new dimensions. Jacoby Ellsbury (would it have killed him to come here a couple of days early?) can be a star. Jon Lester is one of the best pitchers in baseball. Jonathan Papelbon hopes to return to his old dominant self.

So, Beckett's more important to the Red Sox this year than five everyday players, last year's ace, and your closer? And finally, a shot at Ellsbury. Shank's not disappointing so far. He hangs part of last season's woes on Becket before finally mentioning things Beckett did during the offseason to rectify things, then finally looks at the new year.

It’s Feb. 16 and Epstein is talking about an elite rotation and Beckett is talking about 100 wins. Don’t you just love spring training?

This is a textbook Shank passive / aggressive column.

More Spring Training Dispatches

This is Shank's busiest time of the year, belting out a breathtaking four columns in the span of three days. On one hand, we have a CNN / SI column on spring training itself, with Shank telling a few stories from yesteryear.

Today's Globe column focuses in on pitcher John Lackey, and his 'disappointing' season from last year.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — How bad was it?

Despite popular perception, John Lackey wasn’t a total meatball artist last year. In 33 starts, Lackey went 14-11 with a 4.40 ERA. He led the Sox with 215 innings and struck out 156. Only 14 American League pitchers won more games than Lackey. So how come Lackey gets the Way Back Wasdin treatment everywhere he goes?

I would say 'because of writers like Shank'.

Shank's strange / dishonest conclusion:

Lackey is a workhorse who almost always keeps his team in the game. That should be enough in Boston in 2011.

Then again, we all know it’s almost never enough in Boston.

Because of writers like Shank, of course.

Shank Talks To An Athlete

We know that's not a standing headline. Shank talks about Jonathan Papelbon's non-future with the Red Sox.

FORT MYERS, Fla. — He’s gone. This is it. One more season and Jonathan Papelbon and the Red Sox get divorced. In 2011, Papelbon is the dead man walking (and striking out) batters on the Fenway Park mound. You can search long and far before you find a single soul who believes Papelbon will be part of the Red Sox next season.

This column's tone is pretty much the same as it reads above. It's more than garden variety pot stirring; he's pushing this theme pretty damn hard.

It makes you wonder - when does Shank start ripping Ellsbury again, tomorrow's column?

Welcome To Sunny Florida!

Shank is in Fort Myers on his annual baseball junket. Witness the smooth transition from provincial semi-snobbery to someone who got his ass kicked by seventy inches (and counting!) of New England global warming:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — There are so many reasons that it’s better to be in Fort Myers than in Boston today.

I’m not usually much of a weather guy. I always felt sorry for my parents’ friends who traded their drafty New England farmhouses for some pre-fab condo in a sterile courtyard near an orange grove and an Olive Garden in central Florida. It struck me as an unholy swap. I’ll take the snow and ice if it comes with a neighborhood, lifelong friends, and memories.

This year is different. Life has been too hard in the Hub. Give me heat and humidity, even if it comes with a Perkins and pawn shop on every other block.

Give me the warmth of the sun.

Give me pitchers and catchers.

Give me baseball.

You should be here, too. Here are just a few reasons why:

...

You won’t confront a snow-forced “faceoff’’ every time you’re on a secondary road and there’s a car coming in the other direction. The streets here are snow-free and wide. You don’t have to visit the body shop every time you bang into a wall of concrete/snow. Nobody calls for a tow truck if you park on the side of the road for a moment. It’s shocking for those of us who just got off the plane from Ice Station Zebra/Boston.

It's not a genuine Shank column without a random insult or two:

You might ask new slugger Gonzalez, “Yo, Adrian, what’s up with No. 28?’’ It’s not exactly steeped in tradition. It was worn by lunkheads Steve Crawford, Jeff Stone, and Doug Mirabelli. It was also worn by Jack Billingham, Diego Segui, Dennis Bennett, and Wilbur Wood. It was Joe Rudi’s uniform number during the half-hour he spent with the Sox in 1976.

Ice Station Zebra? Way to date yourself, Shank!

Fuck Shaughnessy, Hard

I'm aware that these are supposed to be the types of articles that this prick is renowned for, but I'm unable to stomach the thought of Shank lionizing a suicide canidate at this point of time. I will say this slow, for the 'Objective Bruce' shitheads that may be reading this. I had a younger brother who went through a quick depression (and a three day coke binge) and hung himself in depression after losing what he thought was the love of his life. Now I'm supposed to stand here and elevate Will above that?

Call me callous, but fuck Shaughnessy for this article. If you want to compare their ages (my little brother was 28 when this happened), maybe he has a point. Should we compare suicides at different points in life and decide what's better? The point I'll make is that it's a selfish act, and maybe shouldn't be forgiven.

A Stand-Up Guy

I can't say a whole lot about Shank's latest effort, mainly because he writes so infrequently about hockey, he's probably wrong when he writes anything about it. I saw the hit about ten times, and I thought it was marginal, because the hit was right at 90 degrees, or to Sawada's right side, not in the back like a boarding call. I don't think it was worth a four game suspension, but that's the sort of thing you argue about.

I will, however, steal this comment from the Globe's comment thread:

Who would know more about cheap shots than Dan "They Call Me Character Assassin" Shaughnessy?

Shank's Trademark Optimism

...is on display in his weekly CNN / SI article.

Hope you all enjoyed the Super Bowl last night. There won't be any football for a while.

Maybe a long while.

NFL fans have learned to live a few months without football. But a lockout? What will a lockout do to draft day? How will we live without offseason conditioning camps? Summer two-a-days? Those criminally-priced preseason games?

And what if there is no football come Labor Day? No Sunday Night Football. No Monday Night Football. No (gulp) Sunday afternoon football.

He reminds us of previous strikes, lockouts and other 'work stoppages' in other professional sports further on in the column. My interest in baseball has never been the same after the 1994 strike. I thought at the time - 'That's rich - millionaires going on strike'.

Baseball's darkest hours since the Black Sox Scandal came in 1994 when commissioner Bud Selig canceled the World Series due to a work stoppage. Refusing to accept a salary cap, Players Association chief Donald Fehr took the players off the field on Aug. 12, and on Sept. 14 Selig called the whole thing off. It marked the first time the World Series wasn't played since the New York Giants refused to play the Red Sox of the upstart American League after the 1904 season.

The baseball strike of '94 extended into spring training in 1995 and baseball owners assembled teams of replacement players. The fraudulent prospect of scab teams playing big league ball was stopped by a court ruling near the end of spring training and the real games resumed on schedule in 1995. But the damage was done.

I still feel a diminished interest about baseball since that time, but I'll acknowledge a more forgiving attitude towards football and basketball because those are sports that I like more. This means the NFL will weather this storm better because it's much more popular; I don't know how the NBA will fare if it stops operations due (like the NFL) to an expiring collective bargaining agreement. At first glance, the NFL and NBA situations share some attributes, are different in some respects (NFL - increasing revenue stream; NBA - not as much). Maybe it just boils down to one simple truth:

Owners and players are fighting over a pile of money they made by enticing fans with vicarious delusions of grandeur, just like the baseball players of yore.

Their humanity is merely a manipulative calculation fueled by the flames of greed and then superimposed onto all those who follow.

Mea culpa time?

You can make a case that baseball's steroid scandal was aided and abetted by the baseball strike of 1994. The national pastime was desperate to get fans back after the cancellation of the '94 postseason and this might be why we all looked the other way during the roided-up Mark McGwire-Sammy Sosa home run chase. Everyone was rooting for baseball to come back and the long ball was a big selling point. Cal Ripken's consecutive games streak and the home run chase of '98 were largely credited with "saving the game.'' We later learned that the homers were artificially enhanced. Rampant cheating was part of the post-strike fallout.

Somewhere, Shank absolved himself of this dilemma. I cannot find the article right now - help me out, dear readers!

I'm Out Of Ideas

...and we all know that means:

Picked-up pieces while sitting with the NFL commissioner, who says he’s still waiting for Bill Belichick to “tell his side of the story’’ regarding Spygate . . .

It's the expected subpar column as Shank treads water before Sunday's Super Bowl. Shots at various athletes / coaches abound, including Curt Schilling, Ben Roethlisberger, Deion Sanders, Bill Belichick, Lance Armstrong and Roger Clemens.

You're Both Right

Shank shakes off the past couple of snowstorms and comes up with another Boston College connection a few days before B.J. Raji plays in the Super Bowl on Sunday.

He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.

Actually, he is a little heavy. The brother of Boston College basketball forward Corey Raji weighs 337 pounds. And he’s playing in the Super Bowl Sunday.

“A lot of people don’t know B.J. is my brother,’’ said BC’s senior slasher. “Not everybody can say that their brother is playing in the Super Bowl. It’s just a blessing to have somebody that close to me in one of the biggest games in the world.’’

A good column ensues, mainly because he's not able to rip on
this guy.

Shank's Not Alone At Mailing Things In

This article caught my eye:

January 31, 2011
Rookie says Tiger mailed in final round at Torrey Pines

Posted at 4:12 PM by Mike Walker | Categories: 2011 Farmers Insurance Open, Brendan Steele, Tiger Woods, Torrey Pines

Rookie Brendan Steele didn't see eye-of-the-tiger intensity from Tiger Woods when he was paired with Woods in the final round of the Farmers Insurance Open at Torrey Pines on Sunday. Steele shot 70 en route to a T17 finish, while Woods shot 75 to finish tied for 44th. Afterward, Steele said that Woods appeared to lose interest in his round Sunday once he started to struggle, according to an article in this week's issue of Sports Illustrated.

"I don't think he gave it ?everything today," Steele told SI. "Once it started going in the wrong direction, I don’t think it had his full attention."

Throughout his career, Woods has been known as a grinder who brings maximum effort and focus to every shot on the course. However, that legendary intensity has appeared to flag at times, most recently during the second round at last year's Quail Hollow Championship, when Woods shot 79 and missed the cut.

Does this mean Tiger's done? Will we see Tiger pissing in fewer porta potties in upcoming golf tournaments?

Shank On Celtics / Lakers

Shank's weekly CNN / SI column reviews yesterday's Celtics win over the Lakers. Shank's back on the bandwagon, folks!

Clear Thinking Column

Shank pens one of his few hockey themed columns today, focusing on the most recent concussion suffered by Marc Savard. It's one of his better columns, with one candid self-assessment (and one questionable call):

I’m not much of a hockey guy...

Eric Lindros, one of the greatest hockey players of all time...

I wonder if the Globe will be sending Shank to Arlington next week to cover the Super Bowl?

Shank's Weekend In Pittsburgh

We've already seen two Shank Globe columns of, um, less than stellar quality while covering the Jets - Steelers game from last night; today he nearly makes up for it with this quality CNN / SI submission.

One quibble (emphasis mine):

PITTSBURGH -- We know the celebrity quarterbacks. Tom Brady has won three Super Bowls, is married to a supermodel and gets to meet Popes and presidents. Peyton Manning cuts that meat, wins multiple MVPs and occasionally is mentioned as the greatest ever. Drew Brees was Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year. Aaron Rodgers is Super Bowl-bound, the flavor of the month in January 2011. Michael Vick is infamous. Even Philip Rivers gets into the discussion.

And then there's Ben Roethlisberger, the double-wide quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

You don't think that Shank's implying that Big Ben is trailer trash, is he? Surely a resident of Newton, MA wouldn't resort to class warfare or a cheap stereotype of someone who may have had a tough, hardscrabble upbringing, would he?

Almost as important (emphasis on almost) - this site's resident snotty, pretentious gasbag Globeophile (there's a difference?) has just crawled out from whatever rock he's been hiding under to offer some rather underwhelming commentary. Color me surprised! Perhaps he can explain the vast chasm between the quality of his Globe columns vs. his CNN / SI efforts. Since that would entail thought and analysis instead of a reflexive defence of Shank, maybe I'm asking for too much.

Painful

That's my take on Shank's column this morning:

Did you watch or did you boycott because you believed the Patriots should have been playing?

Almost forgot about Parochial Shank - makes columns even less interesting!

...

The greatest comeback in conference championship history was pulled off by the Colts. Remember that one? Indianapolis trailed the New England Patriots, 21-3, then came back to win, 38-34, in January of 2007.

It’s always about us, right?

No, it's mostly about you...

On Again, Off Again

He's just trying to stir the pot with this column, but let's also look at recent history for comparative purposes.

Shank, today:

I’m in. I’m on the Jets bandwagon. I’ve been carrying Fireman Ed on my shoulders all over Pittsburgh, and let me tell you, he’s heavier than he looks.

Shank, September 19, 2010:

The Jets, meanwhile, are the blowhards. The Jets are the bullies who cower when the going gets tough. The Jets eat cheeseburgers at practice and laugh about it. They swear on camera. They bask in their status as the It Team of 2010. They have a coach who says, “We know we’re better than you and we’re going to beat the [expletive] out of you.’’ And then they go out on Monday night against Baltimore, commit 14 penalties (125 yards), and produce one of the worst offensive performances (six first downs) anyone can remember.

Shank, again today:

If none of these arguments bring you around, you should root for the Jets tonight because you don’t want to root for the Steelers. The Steelers and their fans are babies. By any definition, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is a boor. If he wins tonight, he’s going to his third Super Bowl, and that’s going to start talk of comparisons with Brady.

The Steelers have won two Super Bowls since the last time the Patriots won one. You want to see them go for a third?

No. You want the Jets.

Shank, November 14, 2010:

If you have been to Pittsburgh to watch the Steelers, you know exactly what I am talking about. If you’ve never been, maybe you’ve picked it up just by watching on TV. Pittsburgh is simply the cradle of the NFL.

The Steelers are about continuity, excellence, toughness, and tradition. They are football’s comfort food. You see the logo on the right side of the helmet and you know you are watching the NFL at its best.

What's tomorrow's column gonna look like if the Steelers beat the Jets today? Do you think he's already at work on that column? I wonder...

Shank Update

Adam Jones (98.5 The Sports Hub) says he's in Pittsburgh covering tomorrow night's Jets - Steelers game. Maybe he's putting in some overtime and we'll get two columns out of this? Think we'll see some, um, 'sampling' from this column?

Ain't Letting Go

Dear reader - you didn't think Shank was going to write a single, measly column on the Patriots loss, did you?

The Patriots’ season was a failure.

The rational part of our brain wants to congratulate the Patriots for exceeding preseason expectations and compiling the best record in the NFL.

But we're not talking rational, folks, we're talking Shank:

All good. But the reality is that this season goes down as a failure because of what happened Sunday. And because of what should have happened Sunday.

Shank, however, was singing a slightly different tune two months ago:

No one thought the Patriots had a chance to get back to the big games again this year. But this is proving to be a year in which anything is possible in the NFL and that includes a deep run by Belichick and the Patriots. The Pats play at home on Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. It's another gigantic challenge for the High Priest of the Hooded Sweatshirt.

Don't wait for Belichick to thump his chest and tell you what a great job he's doing. He's not going to admit that this season is a personal test of his football mastery. We know it's the truth and we'll have to say it for him.

Looks to me like Shank, as always, raised his expectations to unreasonable levels after Belichick & the Patriots ran the table this year, and now decides to take the annual dump on them for failing to meet those unreasonable expectations. Factor in the six draft picks in the first three rounds of next year's draft, and you'd think that gives reason for optimism next year. Like we'll ever see that in a Shank Globe column...

Two Papers In One - III

Shank's CNN / SI column looks a lot like yesterday's column, doesn't it? Take out the Belichick bashing, add in a few paragraphs quoting Rex Ryan, and voila!

How long before the CNN / SI editors catch onto Shank's act?

Off The Bandwagon

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will trash the Patriots after a divisional round playoff loss. Shank attributes the loss to many factors, most of them of the coaching variety:

The much-hyped coaching duel morphed into Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Grady Belichick.

...

The Patriots made a bad gamble on a fake punt that backfired badly before intermission and New England’s clock management in the fourth quarter had fans wondering who let Clive Rush back on the Patriots sideline.

...

Sometimes the Patriots are too smart for their own good. This looked like pure arrogance. And it worked out about as well as Grady Little leaving Pedro Martinez on the mound in the Bronx.

...and only one pertaining to personnel, although Shank didn't seem to have a problem with it while the Pats were winning:

...but the Jets pressured Brady and covered the Patriots corps of short receivers.

Like we were to expect something different from Shank in this situation? Not likely.