Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole

The Boston Bruins have won five of their last seven games before tonight's All-Star game, the Boston Celtics have won five of their last six games, the Beanpot starts tomorrow (Go, Northeastern!), and spring training for the Boston Red sox starts in less then three weeks.

Naturally, the Boston Globe's sole sports columnist decides to devote a fourth consecutive column to taking yet another shot at the New England Patriots, using the old shopworn techniques of fiction, speculation and conjecture to drive the point home:

Patriots would have been Super Bowl’s biggest story

This is the story you should be reading today . . .

SAN FRANCISCO — Football America is agog waiting for Super Bowl 50, where the New England Patriots will play the 17-1 Carolina Panthers next Sunday night at Levi’s Stadium. The Pats hope to become the fourth team in NFL history to win at least five Lombardi trophies.

Still basking in the glow of their pulsating overtime victory over the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game, the Patriots arrived here late Sunday night and each member of New England’s holy trinity of leaders delivered a few remarks upon arrival in the City By The Bay.

We here at Dan Shaughnessy Watch cannot stress this point enough - this column, and nearly every one he writes about the Patriots, does not contain an ounce of honesty or sincerity in any of them. This is glaringly evident in the following paragraph:

“It’s great to be back here in the big game,’’ said Patriots owner Robert Kraft. “On behalf of my family and myself, I want to remind you that we are all Patriots. I would also like to remind you again that we did nothing wrong in that Deflategate matter. Even though I rolled over at the league meetings and accepted the largest fine in league history, and the loss of two draft picks, including a first-rounder, I would expect that the league would apologize to our team and to Coach [Bill] Belichick and Tom Brady for what they have had to endure. A year later, I am still disappointed in how this has been handled.’’

...and this one:

After their cross-country flight (Steve Burton, Richard Berman, Jim McNally, and Alex Guerrero all made the trip with the team, as did the Krafts’ custom-built lifeguard chairs), the Patriots retreated to their Super Bowl hotel headquarters inside the old prison walls on the island of Alcatraz.

Pass on the rest of the column; it's dripping with the same levels of raw hate and sarcasm as the above sampled paragraphs.

I wonder what Shank will be talking about on Zo and Bertrand come Tuesday morning? Is he really this predictable? If I was a member of the 98.5 management team calling the shots and knowing this would be his material, I'd tell him to take the week off.

There's No News Like Bad News

'Hey, guys - remember when Bill Belichick was hired as coach of the New England Patriots back in 2000 and his team really, really sucked? Those were the days!'

There was a nice little exchange when Bill Belichick was interviewed on “Dale and Holley” Wednesday and was reminded that Jan. 27 was the date he was hired by the Patriots back in 2000. It’s been kind of a rough week for the Hoodie,

...so Shank does his little part to help end the week on a miserable note, like with these highlights:

The coveted Belichick had gone 36-44 in five seasons as head coach of the Cleveland Browns. His only playoff win was against Parcells’s Patriots on Jan. 1, 1995.

Belichick’s first year in New England was hardly a turnaround season. It was quite the opposite. The Patriots started 0-4 and finished 5-11. This means that Belichick’s career record was 41-55 in his first six seasons as an NFL head coach.

...and with helpful reminders of Shank fully supporting the new coach of the Patriots and grant him the time he needs to build a contending team.

Ahhh, who am I kidding?

Here’s how one Boston columnist (OK, it was me) reviewed the Cleveland debacle: “It’s been 10 painful weeks and there is nothing left to say other than the once-unthinkable refrain: ‘Bring back Pete Carroll.’ . . . The wreck of the SS Robert Kraft washed up on the shores of Lake Erie yesterday and it was an ugly sight. This must be the bottom. Your Super Bowl team of 1996 officially plunged to the nadir, losing to a second-year team that had dropped seven straight games and hadn’t scored a touchdown since Oct. 15 . . . We are back to the days of Clive Rush and Rod Rust. The Patriots have lost 14 of their last 18 football games. Bill Belichick was in charge of bringing respectability back to New England football, but right now fans would settle for a little dignity, which was in short supply on Bloody Sunday in Ohio.’’

Three weeks later, after the Patriots beat a bad Chiefs team on “Monday Night Football,” I wrote, “It was depressing to see how far the Patriots have fallen and to know that all of America was in on the joke. Those Monday Night Tuna Bowls with the Jets seem so far away . . . Patriot fans have proven to be a patient lot this year. The anger and outrage fostered by the Pete Carroll era have given way to benign acceptance of a losing team under Belichick . . . Last night the whole country saw how things have deteriorated, and it may be a long time before the people from ‘Monday Night Football’ return.’’

Nice of Shank to make himself part of the story, isn't it?

And who's fool enough to think this last sentence is sincere?

Bill Belichick recovered from his Cleveland experience and recovered from his first season in New England, and something tells me he will recover nicely from a hurtful and controversial loss in the AFC Championship game at Denver last Sunday.

Rehash Radio

Care to take a guess about the topic currently being discussed on 98.5 FM?

On @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. They agree with me. Pats would have beaten Denver in Foxboro. Season was needlessly lost in Miami Jan 3.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 26, 2016

Nobody has a grasp on conventional wisdom like Shank!

Manning Up

Today The CHB plumbs the depths of the Patriots loss to the Broncos, looking for meaning in what, at the end of the day, was simply a close loss to a team that didn't make any real mistakes.

Oh, sure, he finds lots of stories, much in the way that a rat combing through the sewage finds lots of garbage.

Through all the false story lines, where it gets really obnoxious is his flaccid attempt to elevate Broncos QB Peyon Manning. He writes: "Guess we can all stop mocking the Manning family now. Brady has now lost five consecutive playoff games to the Manning Bros." Well, two of those were to Peyton's brother, and no one around New England mocks Eli Manning anyway. So much for that straw man.

He's been making this strange case for years, for no apparent reason other than to be an ass. Remeber when he wrote:

Peyton Manning is better than Tom Brady. ... Sorry, folks. Sometimes the truth hurts. And the truth is that outside New England, this argument is over. Everywhere else in the continental United States. The proverbial ship has sailed and its name is the SS Peyton.

That was in February 2010, after which time Brady broke Dan Marino's single-season passing yardage record, threw six TDs in a single playoff game (tying another record), became the first quarterback to lead his team to 13 division titles, set a record for playoff appearances by a quarterback, broke Joe Montana's record for career playoff touchdowns. In the five seasons since Shank wrote that, Brady has passed for more than 23,000 yards and 167 touchdowns. Manning meanwhile, has thrown for 17,000 yards and 140 TDs. Oh yeah, Manning's also thrown six more picks over that same time. Find the NFL coach who would take Manning for Brady, straight up. No exists.

What CHB doesn't want is excuses. "You don’t deserve to win when you rush for 44 yards and convert 2 of 15 third downs," he writes. "It would be nice if we don’t hear any moaning about injuries. This is football, people. Attrition is part of every season. Ultimately, the Patriots had most of their weapons for the biggest game of the season."

Oddly, here's what he wrote about one Peyton Manning in late 2010 after Mr. HGH threw three picks, including one to seal yet another Colts loss to the Pats:

Peyton Manning's going to be exhausted by the time he gets to the end of this season, that's for sure. It's can't be easy carrying the Indianapolis Colts all by himself. He has no running game. He doesn't have a lot of healthy, experienced receivers. He's got guys dropping passes and running the wrong way. And still he almost beat the Patriots in New England on Sunday.

So no excuses, unless it's The CHB making them? Check.

There's literally nothing of value here. Why did the Pats decide to take the ball when they won the coin flip? Shank asks the question but doesn't know the answer. Guess the bravest columnist Joe Sullivan ever met^TM didn't quite have the guts to pose that one.

Throw in an ancient Celtics-Lakers reference which will hold meaning only to octogenarians and you have The CHB's AFC Championship game wrap.

Nope, Didn't See This One Coming

At long last, Shank finally gets to take that long awaited huge dump on the New England Patriots. Let the second guessing commence!

This never should have happened.

The New England Patriots, a team on a mission that started the season 10-0, are bounced from Super Bowl contention because they outsmarted themselves and wound up having to win a road game in a very tough venue in the AFC Championship game.

The top-seeded Denver Broncos played great defense and beat the Patriots, 20-18, at Sports Authority Field Sunday. Intrepid Tom Brady drove the Pats to a last-minute touchdown and pulled them to within 2 points in the closing seconds, but Brady’s potential game-tying 2-point conversion pass was tipped and intercepted, ending the Patriots season. And so New England’s Revenge Tour that followed the Deflategate mess ended with a whimper in the Mile High City.

Sorry to say this, but the 2015-16 Patriots are something of a myth. They are forever the fortunate champs of the hideous AFC East, but they cannot win a road playoff game. They have not won a road playoff game in more than nine years (San Diego, January 2007).

This team is a myth? What the hell's that supposed to mean? Then again, we should be glad he didn't call them 'frauds'.

Second point - total division wins wins during the regular season, at 36, are shared between the AFC East and the NFC South. Shank is either lying or clueless here, but it allows him to try and dismiss what the Patriots did this year in order to denigrate them by using words like 'myth' and the like.

I wonder how many columns and radio / Comcast Sports Net appearances he'll get out of this?

Second Guessing A Third Time

With nothing new or interesting to say about the Patriots / Broncos game, Shank keeps bringing up the past:

Still feeling good about the Pats giving the game away in Miami at the end of the season?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

We get it, Shank...

Unprofessional Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Still mad at the Krafts, bro?

Great to see the Kraft High Chairs made the road trip to Denver

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

Embarassing Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Is Shank really watching this game?

If not for Ernie Adams challenge, Pats offense would be shut out in this first half.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

Except it was a) Bill Belichick that, you know, threw the challenge flag, and b) Gostkowski kicking a field goal in the second quarter. Other than that, the tweet was accurate!

UPDATE AT 5:00 PM - The commenters are giving him the business:

@Dan_Shaughnessy they kicked a field goal. Idiot.

— Andrew Caraway (@Caraway6) January 24, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy how do you still have a job?

— Rick Teves(@Sole_Specific) January 24, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy if your mother had wheels, she'd be a wagon

— JC98 (@jasonpcarter) January 24, 2016

@Dan_Shaughnessy you must be enjoying the sh*t out of this

— Ed Sweet (@133russell) January 24, 2016

Second Guessing A Second Time

Shank, January 3rd:

So . . . the Patriots really don't care about home field vs. Denver in potential AFC championship?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 3, 2016

Shank, about fifteen minutes ago:

Pats went for health and didn't try to beat the Dolphins in season finale. Put them in Denver today. How's that working out so far?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

Shank sure does enjoy his role as the Globe's resident asshole...

Troll Level - High

Shank's bringing his A game today:

Patriots looked scared to me. You?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

We all still laughing at Manning??

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

UPDATE AT 3:31 PM - One more for good measure:

Pats are looking good thus far, no?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

UPDATE AT 3:41 PM Just remember - you don't have to be consistent to be a troll!

Two For Two

How predictable is Shank? This predictable:

No double score today. Dammit!

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

It Begins

The sun will rise, the sun will set, and Shank will tweet about a coin flip before a Patriots game:

Pats have won 28 of last 37 coin flips. A statistical improbabillty. See how this goes today. If Pats will, they will defer. If Pats lose?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 24, 2016

...which is an improvement - a month ago, Shank deemed this an impossibility.

T Minus Two Hours...

The New England Patriots and the Denver Broncos will kick off in under two hours at Sports Authority Field in Denver, and we don't have any stupid, pedestrian and repetitive tweets from Shank regarding the coin flip and or the double score. Is he holding out on us, depriving this site of mockable material, or has he become (like Skynet) self-aware and realize what a jackass these tweets make him look like?

Tune in at 3:00, folks!

And Now For More Boston Globe Bashing - XXXII

While we wait for the inevitable Brady / Manning column from Our Man Shank, let's take a look at the newspaper industry, with a mention of our favorite local broadsheet:

Then, amid the hubbub about the Boston Globe’s delivery problems, I was struck by the Globe’s statement that they have only 115,000 daily print subscribers, and only 205,000 on Sunday. Really? I had had a sense that the Globe was still much bigger than that. So I poked around online, and, indeed found much larger numbers for Globe print circulation.

But they were from 2013, which is the last time print newspaper circulation figures were widely reported.

The simple chart below lays out the numbers for “total average print circulation” of the nation’s 25 largest newspapers as of March 2013. These are the basis for the figures you get if you Google search the issue or look for a list on Wikipedia. Then the chart compares these with the number of copies most recently reported to the Alliance for Audited Media (in September 2015) for “individually paid print circulation,” that is the number of copies being bought by subscription or at newsstands. This is the best indication of consumer demand for the product. In both cases, the figures are for weekday average circulation. Sunday numbers are generally higher.

Average annual decline in daily circulation for the Globe = 7.44%, which does not include 6,400 undelivered Globes from a few weeks ago.

I bet you're glad you took the Globe buyout in 2008, aren't you, Bruce M***?

When It Comes to Red Sox, Shank Knows No 'Off' Season

Call this the bad taste column. The premise is: John Farrell's cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment last season might have saved his job.

For anyone else, it's a moot question. Farrell is the manager, and the team management has never even hinted that they were thinking of firing him.

Given the circumstances, The CHB is uncharacteristically restrained. The snideness is there, mind you, but it's subtle. Interim manager Torey Lovullo went 28-20, we are reminded, meaning perhaps he -- and not the three-time last place finisher Farrell -- should be managing this season. Of course, The CHB would never think of writing that those wins constituted a "garbage time surge." (Oh wait: he did.)

The CHB has been picking this nit for months. Like here. And here. Sadly for all of us, he's just not going to stop.

Nor will he stop playing fast and loose with the facts. Here's a couple samples from today's mail-in job:

Statement: "A lot of Red Sox players were sent packing."

Fact: Every player who appeared in the final game of the 2015 season remains on the 40 man roster as of today, with the exception of third string catcher Sansdy Leon (whom they want to re-sign) and relief pitcher Alexi Ogando. The only other major leaguers who were with the team at the end of 2015 and whom will wear a different uniform this season are starting pitcher Wade Miley and a pair of journeymen pitchers (Craig Breslow and Rich Hill) who combined for 109 innings pitched last year.

Statement: "(Farrell's)bosses spent millions and dealt futures in the pursuit of winning now."

Fact: Those "futures" were blocked, completely. Two middle infielders -- Javier Guerra and 2B Carlos Asuaje -- would be sitting forever behind Red Sox icon Dustin Pedrioa and 22-year old Silver Bat winner Xander Bogaerts. OF Manuel Margot has about a million young outfielders ahead of him and top prospect Andrew Benintendi right behind him. Pitcher Jason Allen is just that -- a minor league pitcher seen as a possible number 3 starter, in other words, Wade Miley.

Spring training can't get here fast enough.

DHL Dan - XXX

The title of Shank's last column, written yesterday:

Peyton Manning getting no respect around here

It should then be no surprise to anyone what he regurgitated talked about on the Zo and Bertrand show today, is it?

On with @ZoandBertrand today from 11-1. I am told Beetle's been crushing me for claiming there is no local respect for Peyton.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 20, 2016

Yuuup!

Dan Shaughnessy of The Boston Globe joined Zo and Bertrand and discussed his view that Peyton Manning is not receiving the respect he deserves at this point in his career.

If the primary reason for Shank going on their radio show is to rehash a column he wrote a day or two before his appearance, why does CBS Boston bother with this exercise in redundancy?

Paging Rodney Dangerfield

Subtitle - Shank's starting the trolling early this week:

Peyton Manning’s résumé says he should be getting a little more respect around here as we prepare for the AFC Championship Joust and the 17th playing of the 18-12 Overture.

He gets none.

Manning should be Jeter.

Instead, he is A-Rod.

Patriot fans have already moved past Manning and the Denver Broncos (is that what the callers were saying on 98.5 the past few days? - ed.). It’s all about plane reservations to San Francisco (remember little Tommy Brady cheering for Joe Montana back in the day?) and what do you think of the Patriots’ chances against the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50? Even the wiseguys in Vegas have established the road-tripping Patriots as favorites. All the smart money is on New England.

Or maybe he's just being contrarian!

The Patriots themselves aren’t silly enough to do this. Folks in Foxborough know they still have to Do Their Job, and that is what the Patriots are preparing to do.

But has any superstar ever generated less fear and respect than Manning in New England in 2016 as the Patriots and Broncos prepare for a conference championship?

Have you found a single Patriot fan who is worried about this game? Just one?

Right here, douchebag! Naturally, Shank needs to resort to hyperbole or oversell his argument to make this contrarian point.

Wait - do I see a rational point or two in this column?

Now all the confidence and mockery of the opposition is back. No one seems to be the least bit concerned that Brady has never won a playoff game in Denver (0-2), or that he is 2-6 lifetime in the Mile High City.

Well, that didn't last long - Shank then goes and contradicts the premise of the column and piles on Peyton. And what Shank article is complete without a bunch of non-football references?

So now this once-great Bill Russell-Wilt Chamberlain duel is viewed here in New England as an homage to Brady as Greatest Of All Time (GOAT), while Manning is pitied and mocked as if he’s Brian Hoyer or Brandon Weeden.

Poor Peyton. Nine touchdown passes, 17 interceptions this season. Smart guys are calling for Denver coach Gary Kubiak to go with Brock Osweiler. Manning can’t break a pane of glass with his jelly arm. We clock the hang time of his passes. He’s throwing better knucklers than R.A. Dickey.

Manning is a 39-year-old Tiger Woods, stripped of dignity and health, unable to make the cut. He is Pedro Martinez, struggling to make his final start with the Phillies in the 2009 World Series. He is a damaged Muhammad Ali enduring a beating from Larry Holmes in Vegas in 1980. He is 41-year-old Bob Cousy making a seven-game comeback with the Cincinnati Royals in 1969.

Throw in Brady's 11-5 record head to head against Peyton, and there are your counterarguments.

Bonus Shankism!

The Sons of Archie were not raised to be game managers. They grew up as gunslingers.

And the near-finsh:

Despite those somewhat respectable numbers, Manning is universally mocked in New England. Maybe it’s his propensity for choking in the postseason. Maybe it’s the sing-song insurance ads. Maybe it’s the way the HGH story rolled off his back while Deflategate stuck to Brady like a freshwater leech.

I wonder how that perception ever came to be?

UPDATE, 1/20/16, 2:20 PM - Link to original story added; my apologies.

We're On To Denver

...and based on Denver's win over Pittsburgh an hour or so ago, what are the odds of Shank churning out a highly innovative and original Brady / Manning column / hatchet job in the next six days? All he needs to do is throw in two or three original paragraphs, copy and paste a good portion of columns he's already written on this rivalry, and call it a day!

Time permitting, loyal readers, I'll do my best to identify each of Shank's previous column efforts on all of the sixteen prior Brady / Manning matchups, just to illustrate the extent of Shank's use of CTRL-C and CTRL-V.

We're On To Denver Or Pittsburgh

Shank, notably changing his tune from six days ago yet again, delivers a semi-decent column on this afternoon's game between the Patriots and the Chiefs, with helpful reminders about their travails from last year's Super Bowl run, just in case you forgot :

FOXBOROUGH — After 12 months of ideal gas law, the Wells Report in context, “more likely than not,” warm drinks, and trash cans, the Patriots are right back where they always seem to be at the end of January: They will play in the AFC Championship game for the fifth consecutive winter. A Patriot season that started with Scott Zolak screaming into the headsets of Mike Tomlin and Ben Roethlisberger looks like it might extend all the way to Super Bowl 50 in Santa Clara, Calif., on Feb. 7.

The Pats punched their ticket to another conference title game with a not-as-close-as-it-looks 27-20 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs at Gillette Stadium on Saturday night. New England will play next Sunday at 3:05 p.m., either at Denver or in Foxborough vs. Pittsburgh, pending the outcome of Sunday’s divisional-round joust between the Broncos and Steelers.

The standard game recap follows - skip it if you watched the game, because there's nothing new or insightful there.

This last paragraph / sentence is curious / stupid:

The New England Patriots, once the joke of the NFL, are now the gold standard of excellence; the best franchise in America’s most popular sport.

He writes this as though it's a recent event. This is simply further evidence that whenever Shank heaps praise on the Patriots, he's not sincere about it.

Aping JFK?

Ignoring the lame German for a moment (Ich bin...), but remember when the Pittsburgh Steelers were the Patriots' most feared opponent in the playoffs? Guess who's rooting for them now?

Patriot Fans: All together now . . . "Ich Bein Ein Steeler Fan"

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) January 17, 2016