Shank The Scold

A full four days after a number of folks got their panties in a bunch over the US Women's National (Soccer) Team (USWNT) 13-0 drubbing of Thailand, Shank mounts his high horse Shetland pony and weighs in:

US women’s soccer team running up the score on Thailand was a bad look

My fellow Americans will take to the pitch again Sunday in France, resuming their quest to advance in the Women’s World Cup with a match against woeful Chile.

I have no doubt that victory will be ours. I’m just hoping to see a better demonstration of fair play and sportsmanship.

In case you missed it, on Tuesday the Americans beat Thailand, 13-0, in their opening Cup match. Our players never let up and celebrated every goal with exuberance you’d expect to see if somebody hit a walkoff grand slam in the seventh game of the World Series.

In the aftermath of our World Cup slaughter and the odious, self-congratulations that accompanied each goal (even the ones after we reached double figures), some criticism was aimed at the American squad. This triggered the standard angry defenses from the Colosseum crowd.

I watched the entire match. I do not share that opinion, because nearly all of the goal celebrations went like this - one of the USWNT scored a goal, there was some jumping around, followed by a group hug, then they went back to the center circle. Their objection seems to be that it was done thirteen times.

It goes on from there, but let me state this - Thailand was badly outclassed in every metric - height, size, speed and skill. My prediction before the game was 7-0 but once the 2nd half began the level of physical conditioning between the two teams became eyepopping as well, so the ass kicking wasn't a surprise at all. Furthermore, this is probably the best USWNT side to ever take the pitch, so again, this result isn't surprising, at least to someone who actually watched the whole match.

Conveniently omitted from all this, of course, was this touch of class by USWNT striker Carli Lloyd, but that doesn't fit Shank's agenda, does it?

And all of this, from a columnist who also complains when Tom Brady is still in the game when the Patriots are 'running up the score'. Jagoff.

Shank's Stanley Cup Wrapup

It's pretty much what you'd expect:

Feels like a lost opportunity as Bruins fall in Game 7

No one around here was ready for this.

A Boston team losing a championship game? Impossible.

But it happened. The Bruins were spanked, 4-1, on Garden ice in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final Wednesday. The St. Louis Blues won the first championship in their 52-year history. A Boston hockey season that started in September in Beijing ended in abject disappointment nine days before the start of summer. It was a stunning defeat in an era when we have become accustomed to only good things happening to Boston teams. And it feels like a lost opportunity.

Rehash Radio Ad Infinitum

Just confirming the obvious:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Game 7, Game 7, Game 7. Plenty of Big Papi talk. Dan's Dates at 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 11, 2019

Remember this column from Monday? That's what you and I heard during the first segment of Shank's appearance this morning. And if you didn't hear it, you're better off for it.

Back On The Bruins Bandwagon

The Bruins won Game 6 of the 2019 Stanley Cup finals, 5-1 over the St. Louis Blues. Here's an outline of the Bruins discussion Shank will regurgitate on the radio tomorrow morning:

ST. LOUIS — Folks here were ready to knock down the Gateway Arch and party like it was 1999 — back in the days when they had a team that went on to win the town’s only Super Bowl.

The city that gave the world Stanley Musial was going to win its first Stanley Cup, and as many as 40,000 ticketless fans gathered outside the arena in anticipation of victory. The Cup was in the house, and the Blues were ready to claim it for the first time in their 52-year history.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch didn’t even bother to wait. Sunday’s e-edition of the local journal delivered several messages of congratulations many hours before the start of Game 6. The premature puck elation included a letter from Blues chairman Tom Stillman, thanking fans for a “dream come true” and referencing how excited he was about the upcoming parade on Market Street.

You know the drill by now - standard (if brief) game recap, historical Game 7 numbers, etc.

Bruins Loss = Shank Hockey Column

Like the sun rising and setting...

The script was perfect. Local star leader plays with injury, endures unspeakable pain, yet paces his team to victory.

There was that night in the Bronx when Curt Schilling bled into his sock because of a surgically repaired tendon and beat the Yankees in the American League Championship Series. And then there was that time Larry Bird slammed his head on the parquet floor of the Old Garden, went to the locker room, and returned to torch the Indiana Pacers in a playoff game. Oh, and let’s not forget Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe beating the Dolphins despite playing with a metal pin sticking out of the index finger of his throwing hand.

Not Thursday night in the Stanley Cup Final. With 42-year-old captain Zdeno Chara playing with what might be a broken jaw, the Bruins lost the crucial fifth game, 2-1, at the heavy hands of the St. Louis Blues. Boston trails in the series, 3-2, and plays Game 6 Sunday night in St. Louis.

Stanley Cup - Game 4 Recap

After the St. Louis Blues won Game 4 last night, 4-2, Shank writes a cliché-ridden, paint-by-numbers recap thereof:

ST. LOUIS — It felt a little too easy over the weekend. After the Bruins skunked the St. Louis Blues, 7-2, Saturday, some folks back in Boston started making parade plans. With another win in Game 4, the Bruins would have a chance to win the Stanley Cup on Garden ice Thursday night.

Not anymore.

The Obligatory Harry Sinden Column

Using a lesser employed column template, Shank goes back a few years and lets us know the old Boston Bruins hand is still around.

ST. LOUIS — He is the Bear in Winter. Still watching. Still working. Still bleeding Black and Gold.

Harry Sinden will be 87 in a few months and still reports to the Garden regularly, bouncing thoughts and ideas off Bruins president Cam Neely and general manager Don Sweeney.

“My official title is ‘Senior Adviser to the Owner,’ ’’ says Sinden when reached by phone. “But actually the only word that really applies in that title is the first one.

When you don't know jack shit about the series or even care about it, this is the result. This is not a knock on Harry Sinden, who was influential and successful, but it's such an obviously lazy and borrowed theme from Shank, and the column's saving grace is letting Sinden do all the talking.

Shocked

Wow - Shank bangs out his second column in a day and does a column after a Bruins win? What's this world coming to?

ST. LOUIS — The locals waited 49 years for this? Almost 18,000 days? That’s a lot of Mississippi River icewater under the Eads Bridge.

Your Bruins skated into Enterprise Center Saturday night and cut the hearts out of the St. Louis Blues and their fans. Wobbling after a 3-2 loss at home, playing without Charlestown’s Matt Grzelcyk, who was concussed by a dirty hit in Game 2, the Bruins punched back with a dominating, 7-2 win in Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Final.

Speed and skill beats size and stupidity every time and the Bruins took it to the Blues in every way.

What's not shocking - his frontrunning / hijacking of the local bandwagon yet again.

A History Lesson

Longtime readers of Shank should be familiar with this type of column template by now.

Boston and St. Louis have a long sports history
...
The Boston-St. Louis pro sports rivalry started in 1946 when the Cardinals beat the Red Sox at Sportsman’s Park in Game 7 of the World Series. That was the game in which Johnny Pesky allegedly held the ball too long on a relay from the outfield as Enos Slaughter rounded third base and scored the winning run. Ted Williams, who batted only .200 in the Series, cried on the 24-hour train ride home to the Hub. Legend holds that Teddy Ballgame was out of sorts because he hurt his elbow when he was hit by a pitch in a meaningless exhibition staged to keep the Sox sharp before the start of the Series (sound familiar, Brad Marchand fans?)

The Cardinals beat the Red Sox in a World Series Game 7 at Fenway in 1967, but Boston got its baseball revenge in 2004 and again in 2013.

Columns largely built on a recital of sports events between two cities has long been a staple of Shank's, as it requires little heavy lifting.

The Chris Sale Conundrum

What would life be like without Shank shitting on one of the Red Sox pitchers?

Chris sale with THREE MORE STRIKEOUTS in the third. Oh, and he also gave up four hits, three runs and the lead.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 1, 2019

Update: this is now one win in 16 starts. https://t.co/i6vnTbMBkk

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) June 1, 2019

Thanks for the update, Shank!

The Predictable Shaughnessy

If it's a loss by the Bruins, you can count on a column by Shank.

The national narrative of this 2019 Stanley Cup Final is the easy-to-believe notion that nobody in America outside of New England wants the Bruins to beat the St. Louis Blues. Folks who don’t live in our six-state region have had just about enough of the duck boats, thank you very much.

The Washington Post and New York Post in recent days featured columns pushing this theme.

“We are rooting against Boston,’’ wrote Mike Vaccaro of the New York Post. “We are tired of Boston.’’

The Washington Post held that the duck boats are “joyous for New Englanders and sickening for the other 44 states.’’

I'm surprised the Washington Post didn't work in a gratuitous cheap shot at Trump somehow. What I'm not surprised about is Shank's cheap shot at New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick:

In the Patriot spirit of “they hate us cuz they ain’t us,’’ evil genius Bill Belichick served as a banner captain for Game 2. Coach Bill left the Hoodie at home and carried out his duties in a black parka. Belichick knows a thing or two about championships and also about beating teams from St. Louis. It was Belichick’s Patriots who gave birth to New England’s Sports High Renaissance when they stunned the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl in New Orleans in February 2002. That was the first of 12 duck boat parades in this century, and the Bruins are trying to make it a lucky 13 next month.

Is calling Belichick 'evil' really necessary? Shank has no class whatsoever.

Also obligatory - cheap shots at Patriots owner Robert Kraft:

The Patriots have been everywhere in this series. Freedom fighter Bob Kraft was again seen on the videoboard waving his rally towel, and the recently embarrassed Patriots owner was cheered as a conquering hero. Amazing: Kraft + towel + video = ovation. Only in Boston.

You know the rest from here - retelling St. Louis sports history, the standard game recap, etc. - read on if you're into it.

And Now For More Boston Globe Employee Bashing - VI

(Another in the occasional departure from covering His Shankness)

They don't call him Trollin' Volin for nothing:

Why can’t Tom Brady simply attend voluntary Patriots practices?

Um - because they're voluntary? Just a wild guess here...

Tom Brady posted a few photos to Instagram Saturday showing him throwing in private with Julian Edelman and N’Keal Harry.

The photos elicited two immediate reactions.

One, shared by most Patriots fans: Good job by Brady to get in some extra work with Harry, the team’s first-round pick. The Patriots are counting on Harry to be an immediate contributor, and hope he can one day be a star. The more work Brady can get with Harry, the better.

Two, apparently not shared by many Patriots fans: Can’t Brady just get in this work at the Patriots’ offseason practices in Foxborough?

Care to guess which one of those two reactions Ben's going to side with?

For the second straight offseason, Brady is staying away from the voluntary practices. That in and of itself isn’t big news. It’s rare for a starting quarterback to not attend these voluntary practices, but everyone understands that Brady wants more of a work/life balance in the offseason. He feels he can do a better job of training himself on his own, and that’s fine. Everyone knows he’ll be in tip-top shape once camp begins in late July.

'Everyone understands' - except for Ben Volin. And now for the second problem with this column, which I believe is deliberate:

But Brady isn’t just skipping voluntary workouts. He seems to be going out of his way to not practice with his team.

It would be one thing if Brady were traveling the world with his family and tending to business matters. He appears to be away this week; on Tuesday, he posted photos of himself working out in helmet and shoulder pads on a beach somewhere. So don’t expect him at this week’s round of Patriots OTAs.

So the whole 'work / life' balance thingy would be okay if he was 'traveling the world with his family and tending to business matters'? Do you get the impression that Volin would complain about this regardless of the manner in which Tom spent the 'life' part of the 'work / life balance' thing? I sure do.

Since the Bruins are on in a few minutes, I'm invoking cricket rules - two strikes and you're out. Feel free to read the rest of the bullshit Volin invokes to criticize Brady, where the commenters rip Volin for being a huge jagoff.

'Word For Word', You Say?

My co-blogger Mike ably pointed out the massive hypocrisy of his Bill Buckner eulogy column, saying it is 'unfair' to define him by one play but having said the exact opposite over numerous columns and platforms since 1986. It has practically been a mini-cottage industry of his, a poor man's 'Curse of the Bambino' without the matching book sales.

Mike spotted the Bob Ley interview where he repeated a fair amount of this column (i.e, 'word for word') in that interview. So imagine my 'surprise' when I tuned into 98.5 The Sports Hub this morning:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Bruins wall-to-wall. Bill Buckner, of course. Dan's Dates at 12:50.
PS: The St Louis Blues are 0-13 lifetime in Stanley Cup Final games.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 28, 2019

My trip to the grocery store this morning was marred by the exposure to the following segment - between 11:45 and 11:50 it was largely a regurgitation of the Bill Buckner column, and we at Dan Shaughnessy Watch have documented this hackery on numerous occasions.

Disingenuous, hypocritical and lazy - what a combination!

The CHB's Buckner Eulogy Just Another Botched Play

Revisionist history abounds today in the wake of the news of Bill Buckner’s passing.

Exhibit A: Shank himself. Eulogizing the former Red Sox star, he writes: “But for the final 33 years of his life, Buckner was best known as the guy who missed the ground ball. For many fans and media members, it defined him. And it was unfair.”

It was unfair alright, but there's a shell game going on and The CHB is behind the table. Let's start with the fake plaudits: “Bill Buckner had more big league hits than either Joe DiMaggio or Ted Williams. He was an All-Star and won a batting title. Playing on ankles that had to be iced almost round the clock, he knocked in 102 runs for the pennant-winning Red Sox in 1986.”

Now it’s true The CHB has said this before. Indeed, it’s almost a word for word repeat of his ESPN interview with Bob Ley in 2016, when the Cubs and Indians were battling for their first respective World Series championship in decades. (Note that he credits Buckner with 103 RBI in the clip.)

But a trip through the Globe archives shows that, much like Shaughnessy’s soul, the actual record is much darker. It ranges from the trite (after the Sox won the 2004 World Series, their first in 86 years) … “The suffering souls of Bill Buckner, Grady Little, Mike Torrez, Johnny Pesky, and Denny Galehouse are released from Boston Baseball's Hall of Pain.” 

… to the random (at the Hall of Fame ceremonies last summer): “Hall of Famer Wade Boggs is here. He can talk about 1986 when the Sox took over first place in May, never looked back, pulled off one of the great comebacks in playoff history against the Angels, then broke New England’s heart in the Bill Buckner World Series against the Mets.”

The CHB coverup continues The flashbacks were in full force each time the Sox made it to October: 

• “But if they somehow lose the 2018 World Series, Game 3 will stand forever as Boston’s baseball’s Buckner moment of the 21st century…”
• “The Cardinals had won 13 of their last 14 postseason homegames, and Saturday's stunner was the first Series game to end on an errorsince Mookie Wilson's grounder went through Bill Buckner's legs in 1986.”

Indeed, almost any time he wrote about the Red Sox and the World Series in the same column, Buckner’s error was cited. “Game 6 also gave us a little dribbler by Mookie Wilson, Vin Scully exclaiming, ‘Behind the bag . . . !’’ and Bill Buckner riding a Train They Call Infamy all the way to a featured role in an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.’’ “

He even found ways to insert gratuitous references into writeups that had nothing to do with the Red Sox or Buckner, like this from the Royals-Mets World Series in 2015: “It featured the first series late-inning go-ahead run due to a first baseman's error (Eric Hosmer) since Bill Buckner's gaffe-for-the-ages in 1986.”

Shanughnessy himself spent column after column writing about it. (Not to mention using the episode to frame an entire book.)

He even took shots on his Twitter account.

Hang on! Here’s one, from 2012, where he plays it straight (mostly). “[Tom House] caught Hank Aaron’s 715th homer in 1974 (only because Dodgers left fielder Bill Buckner couldn’t scale the fence — thank goodness Doug Mientkiewicz wasn’t there).”  Surprised he didn’t sneak in a bit about the Hammer’s record-breaking blast being too high to go through Buckner’s legs? Me too.

On the bright side, it kept The CHB away from the Garden and the Stanley Cup finals, where the Bruins were thumping the Blues. 

Billy Buck, Bruins Nation thanks you for your service.

Swing And A Miss

Just found this column from Saturday afternoon - Shank didn't bother to tweet it out and I found it after checking the Globe's website, which I take great pains to avoid. For those keeping score at home, it's Shank's sixth Bruins column on the season.

Bobby Orr does not appreciate sports talk radio jockeys and fans who characterize 42-year-old Zdeno Chara as a defensive liability for the Bruins.

“I’ve heard a lot of crap recently about Chara, about Z,’’ Orr said during a lengthy interview with the Globe Friday. “Are you kidding me?

“I think if you were to ask these critics what they thought of the Bruins coaches, everyone would say they’ve been outstanding. Well, Z is the top ice guy, one or two. He kills all the penalties. When he’s on the ice, there’s just something different.

It's all Bobby Orr quotes, so of course it's worth checking out.

Always Looking At The Bright Side

Ah - who am I kidding?

The Red Sox are closer to fourth place Jays than they are to first place Yankees

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 26, 2019

Negative Tweets, By Dan Shaughnessy

Shank helpfully points out Chris Sale's recent won / loss record:

Chris Sale has been credited with one win in 15 starts since August 12, 2018.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 25, 2019

Just another case of selective statistics to make his 'case', whatever that's supposed to be.

The John Havlicek Tribute

Our Man Shank was there and writes an excellent column about it:

Bill Russell was there. Red Auerbach’s daughter was there, seated side by side with 90-year-old Bob Cousy, Tommy Heinsohn, Satch Sanders, Dave Cowens, and other gods of Boston Celtics lore.

Four weeks after Celtics legend John Havlicek died in Jupiter, Fla., the vast and vaunted Celtic family gathered Thursday afternoon at Trinity Church in Copley Square for a 90-minute tribute to the man who scored more points than any other player in franchise history.

Less than 2 miles from the sacred Causeway Street space where he played 16 seasons and won eight NBA championships, Havlicek was honored in a celebration of life.

A Helpful Reminder From Bruce Allen

For those of you who don't know him, Bruce Allen used to blog on Boston Sports Media Watch, but has cut way back on the blogging part about a year ago. He's still active on Twitter and I need to read his Twitter feed more regularly, because of missed gems like this one:

September:

The Patriots are back, and for many of us, that means life is worse.

(Via @Dan_Shaughnessy) https://t.co/0GXHrafuiS

— Bruce Allen (@bruceallen) March 28, 2019

Bruce knows how Shank plays the game.

Happy Anniversary!

(An occasional departure from covering His Shankness)

I stumbled across this tweet (and excellent YouTube video in the ensuing thread) from a Twitter feed called Freezing Cold Takes, and this one's a doozy that will bring back many painful memories. On May 6, 1997, the Boston Celtics made perhaps the worst hire in professional basketball history when they hired this fucking guy:

Thanks to @OldTakesExposed, we were reminded of a brutal date in #Celtics historyhttps://t.co/kxCKgAQMzz pic.twitter.com/SJKXqHB5hZ

— NBC Sports Boston (@NBCSBoston) May 19, 2019

Rick Pitino set this team back nearly a decade and it was just plain ugly. My primary memory of the burning dumpster fire that was the Rick Pitino Celtics was actually going to one of the games and, as the YouTube video points out a few times, the only thing I noticed was Pitino yelling and screaming at Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce on nearly every play. I'm sitting about ten rows back behind one of the backboards and I told the buddy I was with - 'if for some reason the ball bounces out and lands in my hands, I'm throwing it right at him and I don't care if I get arrested and thrown out of here for life.' I am beyond certain I'm not the only one who felt that way about Pitino by this time; he was shitcanned about a month afterwards. Him getting caught banging a waitress some time later and all the other shit that happened to him at Louisville only adds to my feeling of schadenfreude, and probably yours as well.

The Obligatory Michael Chavis Column

Shank finally takes note of the hot rookie:

It is as if Michael Chavis has been delivered from Central Casting.

Born and bred in Georgia, armed with a golly-gee politeness and 450-foot power, Chavis has helped saved the Red Sox season.

Sunday against the Astros, batting leadoff, of all places, Chavis swung at everything he saw (six pitches, four balls in play), cracked a 420-foot homer and a seventh-inning single which represented the winning run in Boston’s 4-3 victory over the best team in baseball. The comeback victory averted a rare Fenway sweep of the Sox and fortified the growing Legend of Michael Chavis.

Bandwagon Dan, A Continuing Story

The fifth time's a charm:

RALEIGH, N.C. — Thursday marked 100 days since Boston’s last championship parade.

Time to fire up the duck boats. It has been too long.

Say goodbye to the Jerks, the Goobers, Hamilton the Pig, inflated arena noise, and the Sons of the Hartford Whalers. The Bruins won the Prince of Wales Trophy on Thursday night, beating the Carolina Hurricanes, 4-0, to advance to the Stanley Cup Final for the 20th time in franchise history. Boston will face the San Jose Sharks or St. Louis Blues (Sharks lead, 2-1) starting sometime within the next 10 days (yes, we might have to wait a while) on Causeway Street.

You and I could throw paint, soy sauce and mustard against a wall and come up with something better than what ensues - read on, at your own risk.

And there's this:

Part of Carolina’s Game 4 pregame entertainment featured a live interview on the big board in which a couple of local TV personalities talked about Rask and the Bruins “blowing it” against the Flyers in 2010. Comebacks from 3-0 deficits are rare, but there have been four in hockey, and one was the Bruins losing a 3-0 lead against the Flyers in 2010.

We all remember who was telling us about that series loss, don't we?

How The Game Is Played

I'm not talking about hockey, but rather Shank's sporadic coverage of it. Ninety-plus games in, behold, his fourth Boston Bruins column this hockey season:

RALEIGH, N.C. — The Bruins are running downhill on the way to the Stanley Cup Final. Each series has been easier than the one before.

These Cup playoffs for the Spoked-B’s have been like a NASA countdown.

Seven games . . . then six . . . now perhaps four?

Liftoff.

Bring on the San Jose Sharks or the St. Louis Blues.

It’s strange. Has there ever been a championship run in which each round got easier? Certainly the 2004 and 2007 Red Sox were more tested in the ALCS than in the World Series, but they did not experience anything like what we are seeing in this magical — dare we say easy? — run to the Final. Those Sox faced much tougher competition in the second round than they did in the first. Only the World Series (both sweeps) was easy.

It’s never easy, of course — unless it’s the Patriots in the AFC East or the 2018-19 Red Sox against the AL bum-of-the-week clubs. Winning at the playoff level is always rugged and hard.

Do any of you think Shank watched any of last night's game? That Bruins win was not easy.

Let's set aside the obvious bullshit praising the Red Sox; he's been taking dumps on them nearly every day from Spring training until they got hot two weeks ago and now pretends to be on their side.

I've helpfully pointed out the theme that Shank is using in his not so genuine praise of the Bruins, and longtime readers will recognize it right away when compared to many of his Patriots columns. By claiming the Bruins' playoff run is easy (and in the next breath saying it's not easy), Shank nonetheless creates the impression, however false, that a Stanley Cup for the Bruins will be easy. If they do not, Shank will then take the mother of all shits on the Bruins for not winning the Stanley Cup because it was supposed to be easy.

And that's how the game is played.

Even His Jokes Are Old

...as well as lame:

Even Grady Little would have pulled this guy by now

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 12, 2019

It's Worth It

It seems like it was mere weeks ago that Shank was shitting on the team, wasn't it? Now that the Boston Red Sox are back to their winning ways, so is his faux support for them.

The Red Sox are worth watching again

The storm has been weathered. The awkward White House trip has come and gone. Chris Sale doesn’t stink anymore. Boy wonder Michael Chavis saved the season when all seemed lost. April showers have given way to May sunshine. The Red Sox are a wagon again. They beat the Mariners, 9-5, on Saturday and even got a two-run single from the offensively catatonic Jackie Bradley Jr.

After everything that happened in the Sox’ hideously bad first month of a title defense, they will wake up Sunday four games out of first place. After playing as bad as they could possibly play, the Sox are right where they need to be to get where they want to go. They still have not even played a quarter of the season and everything is ahead of them. It turns out that the hole they dug was not too deep.

Despite Shank telling you otherwise during that 'hideously bad first month'. Funny how that works.

Punted

It looks like we're not getting the predicted Celtics bashing; instead we get some Red Sox bashing:

White House ceremony honoring Red Sox awkward from the start

The White House Thursday morning sent out a scheduled post on its website stating, “President Trump Welcomes the 2018 World Series Champions The Boston Red Socks to the White House.’’

I am not making this up.

Red Socks.

In a time-honored and now-controversial tradition, a portion of the Sox gathered at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Thursday and heard laudatory remarks delivered by President Donald Trump. The president spoke for nine minutes (my favorite moment came when he asked Steve Pearce how his season was going), called upon Chris Sale, J.D. Martinez, and Sox owner John Henry to make remarks, then thanked everybody and gave the Socks entourage a tour of the Lincoln bedroom.

More awkwardness at the link.

UPDATE AT 3:50 PM - A commenter points out the obvious, and that is this: the Boston Globe / Dan Shaughnessy coverage of Boston sports teams at the White House is a function of the occupant of the Oval Office. If it's a Democrat, the primary focus is on the player(s) who do not attend and what bad people they are. If it's a Republican, the focus is on the President and what a 'thorny issue' this is and how the players involved should 'start distancing themselves from some of his polarizing policies'. Good to know Obama never had any polarizing policies!

Holding Out No Longer

The Boston Celtics lost last night, 116-91 in rather ugly fashion, with Kyrie Irving going 6 for 21 from the floor and the other players not doing too much better. I just finished listening to Felger & Mazzarotti (and Big Jim Murray was on it as well) absolutely savaging the Celtics, with Kyrie bearinge the overwhelming brunt of the blast for the first two hours. It's one of the times that a) I knew that Michael Felger would be in rare form and b) I fully agreed with nearly every word of it. It's one of the few times you actually look forward to that trademark Boston sports media negativity.

A curious natural omission, of course - the Dan Shaugnessy column eviscerating and Celtics. It's in his blood, perhaps more natural than breathing to him, and I was fully expecting to wake up this morning and see him in nuclear meltdown mode. There was nothing. until now:

Never saw poultry or brew in the lockerroom, but I will always think of these guys as the Chicken-And-Beer Celtics of 2018-2019.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) May 9, 2019

Reader poll - do we still get a stemwinder from Shank or did Felger already use up all the oxygen in the room on this one?

Hijacking The Bandwagon Yet Again

Keep the dream alive!

Sunday was a day of rest for the Grand Slam of Bling.

But it is still alive.

It’s been a remote possibility since the Patriots won the Super Bowl just three months after the 2018 Red Sox won the World Series.

No city has ever been home to the reigning kings of all four sports simultaneously, but until the Celtics or Bruins are eliminated, Boston remains alive for this glut of championship gold.

At which point he'll rip either / both teams as 'simply not good enough'.

...
This will be the fifth time the Bruins and Celtics played postseason games on the same date this spring.

And should one of those two teams lose, it's a certainty he'll write a column about the loss.

DHL Dan LXXXIII - The Hondo Column

Shank's latest Picked Up Pieces column contains a lot of mini-stories about recently deceased Celtics legend John Havlicek. Naturally, this doesn't stop him from delivering another cheap shot at you-know-who:

Picked-up pieces while wondering whether freedom fighter Bob Kraft will make another triumphant, crowd-rousing appearance at a Garden playoff game any time soon . . .

Makes you want to stop reading right then and there, doesn't it?

■ The death of John Havlicek inspired some amazing commentary on Twitter.

“It is getting difficult each time I hear about another contemporary that passes,’’ Bill Russell wrote. “He was not just a teammate & a great guy, but he was family.’’

From Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: “I met John Havlicek at the same time & place that I met Red Auerbach and Bill Russell @ my high school gym in Autumn of 1961 — my freshman year. He was still playing when I entered the league and our friendship grew.”

From Jack Nicklaus, who crossed paths with Havlicek at Ohio State from 1959-61, on Facebook: “John loved the outdoors, loved to fish, and frequently when he played golf at Bear Lakes Country Club in West Palm Beach, he carried a fishing pole in his bag. But if there is one thing we should all remember about John Havlicek, it is his heart. John always made himself available to help others. Every time there was a charity event, or any time someone could make a difference in someone else’s life, John Havlicek was there.”

Read on for more Kraft cheap shots, a cameo appearance of 'Theo and his minions' and other assorted trivia. No gratuitous Larry Bird mention, though. Maybe next time...

A Question Nobody's Asking

Shank does a column on the Celtics loss last night to the Milwaukee Bucks:

Who really thought the Celtics were going to have it easy?

MILWAUKEE — Admit it, Celtic fans, you were getting a little cocky about this.

The playoff narrative was that the Celtics had fixed everything after their disappointing regular season. They swept the Indiana Pacers in Round 1, then spanked the top-seeded Milwaukee Bucks by 22 points in the first game of the Eastern Conference semifinal. Hot-take artist Paul Pierce announced that the series was officially over and some of us spent 48 hours pondering whether it would be better for the Celts to face the Sixers or the Raptors in the conference final.

You'd Have Thought They Lost The Game

The fact that the Red Sox won last night didn't stop Shank from piling on somewhere:

Unprofessional outing by Rodriguez. 52 p through 2. Sox trail 4-0. ESPN. Showing America the slop we’ve seen all year. Sox lucky B’s and C’s in playoffs https://t.co/fNYatqmC6M

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 29, 2019

A poor performance, yes; I think the word 'unprofessional' isn't quite the right one here.

A Tale Of Two Columns

Shank, yesterday:

Before we go any further, here’s a little tip for you Celtics fans: Resign yourself to the fact that you’re going to be seeing a lot of Giannis Antetokounmpo at the free throw line. This is not because the refs have it in for the Celtics. Do not listen to the words of Tommy Heinsohn, or any latter-day Johnny Mosts. There’s no need to call sports talk radio and cry about Giannis getting favorable treatment. No. The Greek Freak is going to be at the line all day because the Celtics have no one that can stop him legally in the paint. He is an NBA freight train and if he gets the ball going downhill it’s either 2 points or two free throws. Brad Stevens will throw Aron Baynes, Al Horford, and Semi Ojeleye at Giannis (too bad Marcus Smart, Jim Loscutoff, and Bob Brannum are not available). It will not be enough. Antetokounmpo is going to be the MVP of the NBA this year. He is the reason this series could be the end of the road for the frustrating, maddening 2018-19 Celtics.

Shank, this afternoon:

MILWAUKEE — The Celtics flipped the switch, just like they said they would. They pantsed the best player in the world and delivered a message that they are a force to be reckoned with in this NBA tournament.

The Celtics humbled the NBA’s top seed Sunday, smothering Giannis Antetokounmpo and racing to a 112-90 win over the Bucks in the first game of their Eastern Conference semifinal series.

The Greek Freak finished with 22 points, but anybody who watched knows the he was humbled. He made only seven of 21 shots. Three of his baskets were 3-pointers. He had 1 point in the first quarter and made only two of seven shots in the first half when the Bucks fell behind by 15. The Freak’s shot was blocked three times in the restricted area. These things just do not happen.

But they did. What a difference a day makes.

The Waiting Game

Shank lightly complains about the long wait between Celtics' playoff series:

MILWAUKEE — Celtics-Bucks.

This is the series you’ve been waiting for.

And I do mean waiting.

When the Celtics finally take the Fiserv Forum floor Sunday afternoon to play the top-seeded Bucks, it will have been a week since the Green Team actually played a basketball game. The Bruins will have finished FOUR playoff games since the Celtics erased the Pacers last Sunday in Indianapolis. The Patriots will have made all their trades and selections in the three-day NFL Draft.

A pretty good column follows; it's worth checking out.

John Havlicek, R.I.P.

As you get older, you see an increasing number of people you felt you knew, liked and were comfortable with pass on. Unfortunately, another one of those persons has passed away.

John Havlicek has died.

And there goes part of your youth if you grew up in New England watching the Celtics in the 1960s and ’70s.

Havlicek scored more points than any other Celtic in history. That’s right. More than Larry Bird or Paul Pierce. He was the connecting tissue between Celtic dynasties. His rookie year was Bob Cousy’s final season (1962-63), and he retired just months before Red Auerbach drafted Bird out of Indiana State (1978).

Worth reading in full.

Ask A Stupid Question

Shank does his third Bruins column of the 2018-2019 season, complete with an Animal House reference:

Major League Baseball requires that its managers engage in a full-blown press conference a few hours before every postseason game. At the 2016 World Series, this allowed me a chance to ask the stupidest question of my long career.

It was at Cleveland’s Progressive Field in the tense moments before the seventh game of the World Series between the Cleveland Indians and Chicago Cubs. It was a situation that required a really futile and stupid gesture.

When Indians manager Terry Francona took his place behind the microphone and breathed a deep sigh, I pounced.

“Would you say this is a must-win game?’’

Francona understood the lame attempt at humor and broke up laughing.

Read on for more lameness.

Spring Quiz Time - III!

Goin' way out on a limb here...

With the conclusion of yet another local team triple play this afternoon, try to guess which game Shank will write about:

A) The Boston Celtics sweep their opening round playoff series with a 110 - 106 win over the Indiana Pacers;

B) The Boston Bruins stay alive in their opening round playoff series with a Game 6 win over the Toronto Maple Leafs;

C) The Boston Red Sox sweep the weekend series with an 11th inning win over the Tampa Bay Rays, or

D) Shank doesn't write a column.

You know how I'm betting.

Spring Quiz Time - II!

For the few who did not pass the previous time, we're offering a chance for you to redeem yourselves in Shankology 101!

Last night, we had again three local Boston sports teams who were in action. Can you correctly guess which game Shank decided to write a column about?

A) The Boston Celtics won their third playoff game in a row, a 104 - 96 road victory over the Indiana Pacers;

B) The Boston Red Sox, on the road against the white-hot Tampa Bay Rays, finally saw the bats spring to life in a 6 - 4 win, or

C) The Boston Bruins lost to the Toronto Maple Leafs, 2 - 1 and are now one game away from playoff elimination.

If you guessed C), step up and claim your prize!

There’s always the notion that the Bruins will beat the Toronto Maple Leafs in the playoffs. The Bruins, after all, haven’t lost a playoff series to Toronto since 1959. The Leafs haven’t won any playoff series in 15 long years. And we all remember 2013 when the Bruins won Game 7 vs. Toronto despite trailing by three goals in the third period.

The Bruins will prevail. The Leafs will fall. Bank on it.

But now it feels a little shaky. There’s legitimate fear that maybe this time the Bruins are in danger. Suddenly, it’s possible that the local hockey season could be over by dinner time on Easter Sunday.

As I was watching this unfold last night; I had one primary thought - 'there's no way in hell Shank is going to be this predictable, is he?'

Never disappointing, always negative.

Fool's Gold

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. B’s, C’s, sucking Red Sox, Kraft. Dan’s Dates at 12:50. Radio gold

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 19, 2019

I caught the 'Dan's Dates' part of the show around that time - it was painful, like 'a tooth filling without novacaine' level painful.

Shank Still Doesn't Like Or Understand Science

First off, this is coming from a guy who's as lazy as the day is long, the daily grueling one mile run being just one example.

I have read the entire Mueller Report.
Ideal Gas Law confirms there was no collusion and no obstruction.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 18, 2019

And he gets to tweak the Patriots again - it's another two-fer!

Spring Quiz Time!

Last night there were three local teams in action. Let's see if you can correctly (guess - edit) which one Shank decided to write about:

A) The Boston Celtics won Game 2 of the first round playoff series, 99 - 91, over the Indiana Pacers;

B) The Boston Bruins won Game 4 of their first round series, 6 -4, over the Toronto Maple Leafs; and

C) The Boston Red Sox lost to the New York Yankees, 5 - 3.

If you guessed C), step up and claim your prize!

NEW YORK — The Red Sox stink. They lost to the Yankees, 5-3, Wednesday after Ryan Brasier surrendered a grand slam to Brett Gardner on an 0-and-2 pitch in the seventh inning. The Sox are 6-13 and a whopping 8½ games out of first place.

I grew up on Hub hardball gloom. I came of age as a baseball fan when the Red Sox annually finished eighth in a 10-team league and flirted with 100 losses. I learned talk radio at the right hand of Eddie Andelman, who perfected the sky-is-falling mind-set of Red Sox Nation.

I did a Sunday night TV show with Bob Lobel, who had a panic button on the set and kept saying, “Why can’t we get players like that?’’ every time an ex-Red Sox did something good for some other team. I wrote “The Curse of the Bambino,’’ my doctoral thesis on Red Sox negativity.

Continuing the negativity and seriously dating yourself multiple times? It's a two-fer!

The End Is Near

Shank asks the question which has been fairly obvious for a while.

Is this the end for for Dustin Pedroia?

Original column spotted at 10:45 PM - any further questions about Shank not having an editor?

NEW YORK — Are we nearing the end for Dustin Pedroia?

No one takes any pleasure in this prospect (except perhaps for Shank - ed). But there was a sense of doom and gloom when Pedroia was taken out of the lineup after flying to right field in the top of the second inning Wednesday night at Yankee Stadium.

This was the first game Pedroia started in the field since Friday at Fenway against the Orioles. His left knee has not come around the way the Sox hoped.

I love Pedroia as a player, and even more as a person who would take absolutely no shit from Shank.

Not Too Predictable

It's another loss by the Boston Red Sox, so imagine our collective surprise that Shank wrote a column about it.

NEW YORK — In a move that screamed “panic,” the Red Sox Tuesday gave up on catcher Blake Swihart and recalled Sandy Leon from Pawtucket.

“I told Sandy, ‘Don’t feel like you have to come here to be the savior,’ ’’ manager Alex Cora said before the Sox series opener with the Yankees. “It doesn’t work that way.’’

Amen.

Reunited with his binkie backstop, struggling Chris Sale returned to the mound and surrendered four runs on seven hits and a walk in five innings of an 8-0 skunking. Leon went hitless in three at-bats with two strikeouts and a throwing error (truly not his fault). Sale is 0-4 with an 8.50 ERA and the Red Sox are 6-12, the franchise’s worst 18-game start since Kevin Kennedy’s warriors went 3-15 in 1996.

I'm willing to bet Shank wrote a slew of columns shitting on that team at the same time back then.

Old Time Hockey, Eddie Shore

Thar she blows - Shank's first column on the 2018-2019 Boston Bruins!

Bruins channel their Big, Bad days in physical master class

There was great buzz in the arena and a sprinkling of good signage when the Bruins came out for warmups before Saturday’s Game 2 against the Toronto Maple Leafs. In a town that’s gone soft on its teams — rarely is heard a disouraging word about the sacred Pats, the smug Sox, or the ever-glass-half-full Green Team — Bruins fans have retained their edge, dignity, and demands.

There is no fooling these people. Put a bad product on the ice or show something less than 100 percent effort and they will come at you with pitchforks. The B’s fan dynamic is almost exactly what it was 40 years ago and this is a good thing.

The Bruins rewarded their fans with bone-crunching hits in a 4-1 victory Saturday night. It was the total opposite of Boston’s dead-ass, 4-1 loss in the series opener. Playing one of their best games of the season, the Bruins squared the series with 60 minutes of blood and thunder hockey.

The only real surprise here - this column was written after a win, not after a loss.

Consistency, By Dan Shaugnessy

On Thursday, Shank belts out an ill-timed tweet:

Another Red Sox starter looking like he’s making his final spring training start.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 12, 2019

...just before the Red Sox won, 7 - 6. Otherwise, no follow-up columns or tweets.

On Friday, the Red Sox won again, 6 - 4. There were no follow-up columns or tweets.

Today, the Red Sox lost, 9 - 5. You bet your ass he had something to say about it:

And all this vs. a team that is trying to lose. Clever of Sox to hold the starters back in spring training https://t.co/sKwoLH2MOE

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 13, 2019

What Do You Mean 'Now', Kemosabe?

One thing's for sure - Shank has never done 'disingenuous' very well.

Should we now be worried about the Red Sox?

At what point, precisely, are we allowed to wonder whether these Red Sox are OK?

You've been 'wonder'ing from Game 1, asshole...

We have made the excuses. The Sox have a World Series hangover. They had a rugged schedule the first 11 days. They were due for some reality, and Tuesday the Sox told us that Chris Sale had no fastball in Oakland because he was sick. The struggling Sox cannot possibly fall out of contention because everybody in the American League (besides the Astros and Yankees) stinks.

Pay no attention to this early slump, the Sox are going to be OK.

Swell.

But Tuesday’s home opener reopened the vault of suspicion and has us seriously wondering what is going on with the Local Nine. The Red Sox got their 2018 championship rings, celebrated amid an amazing/gaudy assemblage of hardware (10 championship trophies) and star power (Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, and Rob Gronkowski in the same space?), then took the field and produced yet another stinkbomb, this one a 7-5 loss to the tanking Toronto Blue Jays.

Note the use of the royal 'we' and 'us', in a lame effort to take his fingerprints off yet another negative column. The problem, so far - the 2019 Red Sox haven't given him (or should I say 'us'?) to say otherwise.

My My, He's Full Of Shit

Either that, or Shank's turned in his best ever troll job:

The 108th Fenway Park Opening Day is Tuesday, and we have so many questions.

Will Dustin Pedroia make his 2019 debut and start at second base? Will Gronk throw out the ceremonial first pitch? Will Chris Sale crack 93 miles per hour on the gun? Will Jackie Bradley Jr. crawl over the Mendoza Line?

The Red Sox are in last place and have the worst run differential (minus-26) in all of baseball. Only four teams have made more errors, and Boston’s five-man pitching rotation (aggregate salary: $88 million) has an ERA of 9.13. Will any of the Red Sox get booed in the wake of the club’s abysmal 3-8 slog through Seattle, Oakland, and Phoenix?

“I don’t think anybody has ever gotten their World Series rings and gotten booed,’’ said David Price, a man who knows a thing or two about getting booed in Boston.

As one who traditionally sees the glass as half-full, I am here to tell you that there will be no boos before the game at Fenway Tuesday.

See what I mean?

Making It More Than Obvious

After another road loss for the 2019 Boston Red Sox, Shank gets another chance to take a dump on them.

Not to pile on, but the Red Sox losses are piling up

OAKLAND, Calif. — Take heart, Sox fans. The manager is as mad about the Sox sloppy play as you are.

“I pay attention to details,’’ Alex Cora said after bad baserunning, a missed flyball, and another crummy performance by a starting pitcher created a 7-3 Red Sox loss to the A’s Thursday. “I love paying attention to details and that’s something I took pride in last year and right now we’re not paying attention to details. That’s on us. That’s on me. That’s on the staff. I know there have been mistakes, but at the same time . . . it gets to a point where honestly, today I was watching and there were a few things that were great last year that we’re not doing so good right now. It’s early enough that we can clean it up, but that’s on us.’’

A routine flyball dropped on the warning track between Mookie Betts and Jackie Bradley Jr. Eduardo Rodriguez coughed up a 3-0 lead and couldn’t finish the fourth inning. Betts made a boneheaded baserunning decision in the ninth, getting gunned down going to third with no outs and the Sox trailing by four.

“It’s a bad decision and he knows it,’’ said the manager “That one can’t happen and he knows it.
...
There’s no sugar-coating this. The start of the Red Sox season has been a big bowl of bad. Six losses in eight games. Last place in the AL East. I find myself starting a lot of sentences with “Not to pile on, but . . . ‘’

That's correct, because an overwhelming majority of Shank's Red Sox columns are conveniently written after a loss.

Since Opening Day Shank has written five columns, all of them negative in tone, about the Red Sox, and that excludes tweets in a similar negative tone. When this turns around and the Red Sox start on three+ game winning streaks, we'll note the existence / absence of Shank's columns and keep some sort of tally of Mr. Negative's 'work'. It would be nice to see some balance, wouldn't it? We shall see.

DHL Dan LXXXII - Making It Less Obvious

Instead of devoting another full column to the Boston Red Sox slow start, Shank, on a mini-vacation, devotes a mere four paragraphs to it:

OAKLAND, Calif. — Picked-up pieces from 10 days out west with the Red Sox . . .

■ While the Sox struggle out of the gate (tied with the Angels for the worst record in baseball going into Wednesday night), several key Yankees are returning from injuries or have gone down since the season started: Giancarlo Stanton, Miguel Andujar, Didi Gregorius, Aaron Hicks, Jacoby Ellsbury, Dellin Betances, CC Sabathia, Luis Severino, and Troy Tulowitzki. This has not gone unnoticed in the Boston clubhouse. The West Coast time zone allows the Sox to monitor their rivals back east. Almost daily, while the Sox are playing cards, listening to music, and getting ready to take batting practice, their clubhouse TVs are tuned into Yankee games vs. Baltimore or Detroit. Playing against the tanking Orioles and Tigers, the Yankees lost three of their first five.

■ New York’s injury bug makes it a good year for the Sox to start slow, but that doesn’t diminish the overreaction back home. A Globe reader e-mailed me and asked if the 2019 Red Sox might be the first team eliminated from contention before they have a chance to raise their championship banner. This is why we love the Boston baseball market.

Since there are fewer and fewer of them, $10 says the 'Globe reader' was none other than Shank himself.

■ The Red Sox can spin it any way they want, but there’s got to be something wrong with Chris Sale. Two starts, 59 fastballs, zero swings and misses.

He's actually watching the games? Stop the presses!

■ Just wondering, but did the 1950s and ’60s Yankees shut down Whitey Ford every spring training back in the days when Ford pitched in the World Series every year? Or are the Red Sox the first to invent the reduced spring workload plan that’s worked so well in the first week of the 2019 season?

The Chris Sale / Jon Lester Conundrum

Is there any pitching-related matter with the Boston Red Sox that Shank can't hang around the neck of the Jon Lester trade?

OAKLAND, Calif. — The Red Sox locked up Xander Bogaerts and Chris Sale in the last two weeks, committing $265 million of John Henry’s money to a couple of players that would have been free agents at the end of this season. It’s a serious commitment that should warm the heart of Red Sox Nation.

I am a fan of the Bogaerts extension, but not so sure about Sale, who was scheduled to pitch Tuesday night in Oakland.

Sale was hoping to stop the bleeding after the Sox lost four of their first five games, getting outscored, 41-24. Alex Cora’s five-man rotation surrendered 26 earned runs in 21 innings in those five games, yielding 11 home runs. Aggregate ERA: 11.14. It was a big bowl of yuck.

But I’m thinking bigger picture today (first time for everything! - ed), wondering if the contract extension to Sale was a sound baseball decision, or perhaps overcompensation for past sins. Did the Sox let their mistake on Jon Lester rush them into a mistake on Sale?

Seems like now is never too early for Shank to preemptively second guess and pile on, is it?

Fake Praise?

I'm inclined to think that columns like this one are designed to lessen his reputation as a relentlessly negative asshole.

OAKLAND, Calif. — The Red Sox made it official Monday. They have extended the contract of Xander Bogaerts to the tune of six years and $120 million.

I love this move. It works on every level.

Bogaerts would have been a free agent at the end of this season. The Sox have no ready backup in their system. Letting Bogaerts play out his contract was a big risk. Now they know who’s going to be playing shortstop through 2025, potentially 2026. Ambassador Bogaerts will join Johnny Pesky, Rico Petrocelli, Rick Burleson, and Nomar Garciaparra as Red Sox shortstop royalty.

You can almost see Shank gritting his teeth when he typed out 'Nomar Garciaparra', can't you? I know I can!

The Internet - How Does It Work?

With Google, Bing (and other internet search engines) and the Globe sports newsrooms at his disposal, Shank can't readily find the answer to the following question:

Help! I can't find this. Which NCAA game is first next Saturday?

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) April 1, 2019

Fortunately, his Twitter 'followers' are there to bail his helpless ass out:

Google it

— Scott Zolak(@scottzolak) April 1, 2019

Virginia 6:09
Michigan St 8:49

— Jack Lamar (@JackLamar619) April 1, 2019

For the win:

And you call yourself a journalist

— Phil Mitchell (@philflare) April 1, 2019

Bullpen Blues

Remember Shank bitching about the Boston Red Sox's bullpen for great stretches of the 2018 season, in order to create as much doubt about the team as possible? It's baaaack!

SEATTLE — It was long after midnight back in Boston when Red Sox clubhouse boss Tommy McLaughlin walked across the locker room and gently placed a game-used baseball on a shelf in the locker of Matt Barnes. When Barnes returned to his stall after recording his first major league save since 2017, the ball was resting — trophy-like, on a can of Skoal.

The Red Sox have a closer and his name is Matt Barnes.

Just don’t expect manager Alex Cora to call him that.
...
After the win, the manager was asked if he’s ready to name his closer and answered, “No. There’s no . . . I mean, we stay with the plan. We were watching the game and the game dictated for Barnes to be in the ninth. You saw Brasier getting up before. We’ve got people that can get people out in the eighth, ninth, seventh.’’

The Sox are defensive about this, almost defiant. Kimbrel and Joe Kelly were allowed to walk away after the World Series and nobody was brought in to replace them. It’s clear that the biggest question regarding the 2019 Red Sox is their bullpen. Cora and Dombrowski don’t see it that way.

Just like it was last year, and it worked out just fine for the Red Sox - just don't expect Shank to acknowledge that point.

More Overreaction, By Dan Shaughnessy

Shank once again finds the dark cloud in the silver lining:

As of this moment, three of the last four batters Nathan Eovaldi faced has hit homers. Muncy. Smith. Santana

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Going back to October, it's now four homers in Eovaldi's last eight batters.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Red Sox "plan" of holding back starters in spring training seems to be backfiring thus far this year. Sale, and now Eovaldi, looking like guys making their third spring start -- in games that count. Combined (thus far) they have yielded 13 runs and six homers in 6.2 innings.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 30, 2019

Better cancel those Duck Boat parade plans, stat!

He Cannot Be Serious!

Ahhh, there's nothing like a baseball column from Shank after a huge Opening Day loss, is there (emphasis added)?

SEATTLE — What’s up with Chris Sale? Is that cranky left shoulder really OK?

I promise not to overreact. This is not 30 years ago when it was OK for the Boston Herald to declare “Wait ‘Til Next Year” when the Red Sox lost on Opening Day. The Sox dropped their opener in St. Pete last spring and it did not prevent them from winning 118 games and their fourth World Series of this century.

You know that part's bullshit - he'll say something like 'not gonna overreact', then proceeds to write a few paragraphs where he does just that.

But again, we must ask . . . what’s up with Chris Sale?

Less than a week after signing a five-year, $145 million contract extension, Sale submitted the worst start of his Red Sox career in a 12-4 Opening Day loss to the Mariners at T-Mobile Park. In three innings on Thursday, Sale surrendered seven runs on six hits, two walks and one hit batsman. He gave up three homers, two to Mariner shortstop Tim Beckham. (Sale allowed only two homers in his final 83 regular-season innings last year.) Sale threw 30 fastballs and did not induce a single swing-and-miss. His average speed on 25 four-seamers was 92.3 miles per hour. Trailing, 7-2, after three, Sale did not come out for the fourth.

So here we have one game where Chris Sale pitched poorly and Shank practically makes a Federal case out of it. Isn't that the very definition of 'overreacting'?

Not to pile on (riiiight! - ed), but it has to be pointed out that this stinkbomb comes on the heels of an August-September-October in which Sale was treated like a Faberge Egg due to a sore shoulder. Sale pitched only 17 regular-season innings after July 27. In the postseason, he pitched 15.1 innings over 14 games. He has not pitched more than 5.1 innings in any game since July 27. He’s about to turn 30 and the Sox he will be paying him $30 million in each of the next three seasons.

After the beatdown, Sale and manager Alex Cora both insisted there is no physical issue with Sale.

From there, Shank laments the departure of Jon Lester (from nearly five years ago) and we also get a Woodstock reference. That leaves us a Larry Bird sighting and a few 'sons of Alex Cora' clichés away from a full-blown overreaction from Shank.

UPDATE AT 11:15 AM - Looks like we weren't far off the mark with this column, were we?

Everyone is already overreacting to Gane 1 of 162. Nothing like fake Sox drama in late March.

— Boston Radio Watch® (@bostonradio) March 29, 2019

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like The 2019 Boston Red Sox

Honest, guys & gals - this one was really written by Shank, I promise!

DAN SHAUGHNESSY

The Red Sox are back, and for many of us, that means life is better

SEATTLE — The Red Sox open their season Thursday at T-Mobile Park, and Chris Sale will get the ball as they attempt to become the first major league team since the 1998-2000 New York Yankees to win back-to-back World Series.

Life is good.

For many of us, life is better when there is baseball.

Reading further into this column, it's clear to me that a lot of it is a jumbled mess of contradictions interspersed with enough factoids to dodge such a label. Given that part of the current DSW motto is 'to put as much effort into our posts as Shank does with his columns', you can likely figure it out for yourselves.

That said, let's make no mistake about this - Shank is pretending to like the 2019 Boston Red Sox, whereas many of his columns during the previous season clearly gave the opposite impression, so take this one with a huge grain or two of salt.

The One Where Shank Pretends To Like A N.E. Patriot

Rob Gronkowski retired from football yesterday, and Shank's there pay fake homage.

There are certain sobriquets that resonate viscerally in Boston sports, conjuring wistful feelings of fandom. They’re more than nicknames. They’re shorthand for the lasting impression left by greatness. Yaz. Cooz. Espo. Hondo.

Gronk.

Like one of his trademark spikes, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski left his mark not only on the NFL as possibly the greatest tight end of all-time, but on Boston sports as a football folk hero — a one-of-a-kind tight end who could play and party with the best of them.

UPDATE AT 1:22 PM: Whoops! The column was written by Chris Gasper. That became obvious once I got to read more of the column, and it was an unusually long column. I'm saying to myself 'Funny - Shank never puts in this much effort into a column', and that's why. My bad!

Since it's Gasper, it's worth reading in full.

Delayed Gratification

Until now, we had one mere tweet from Shank about New England Patriots' owner Robert Kraft and his legal problems stemming from an arrest for solicitation at a Florida massage parlor. Here's the column Shank has waited an entire month to write.

The Robert Kraft saga will loom over the NFL meetings

This is not Deflategate. This is not Spygate. This is not “they hate us because they ain’t us!’’ This is not Tom Brady with a MAGA hat in his locker or Donald Trump reading a supportive letter from Bill Belichick on the eve of the election. This is not the owner of the Patriots hitching a ride on Air Force One.

Things continue in this vein for a few paragraphs, then Shank tells us everything about the whole sordid mess that we've been hearing about for the past four weeks, which means you can skip all that stuff and get right to the conclusion:

What does all this say about Kraft’s decision-making and his fitness to run the Patriots?

Nothing - maybe Shank can figure out that these are two different questions?

How could an individual return to the same spa one day after getting pulled over by police and being asked to produce ID? Why would anyone attend Oscar parties just hours after a news conference announcing his impending arrest? How does this landslide of protest affect Kraft’s ability to run his football team?

Kraft is clearly headed for another showdown with Goodell. Is this perhaps a good time for Bob Kraft to step aside and let his son Jonathan run the team?

Just asking.

UPDATE AT 5:40 PM - Link to Shank's column now included, for better or worse...

It Pairs Well With A Globe Dead Tree Subscription

When your revenue stream from 'The Curse' books is drying up, you need to shake things up, don't you?

"I know Tomato Cans. I invented the genre."

Sportswriter @Dan_Shaughnessy's token phrase is now available on a t-shirt.

Visit the Globe Store for apparel, accessories, books, movies, and reprints of past Boston Globe front pages and articles 👉 https://t.co/zsbl7gusKl pic.twitter.com/QIKGeBEFLT

— Boston Globe Sports (@BGlobeSports) March 21, 2019

Feel The Excitement

Looks like Shank just might not regurgitate his latest column after all:

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of C's, B's, Pats and Sox, plus Dan's Dates at 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 19, 2019

Shank On The NCAA Tournament

Caution - some slightly contradictory statements ahead:

Zion Williamson.

There. Now you have a reason to watch the NCAA Tournament.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost interest in March Madness in recent decades. Living in Greater Boston, we are increasingly removed from big-time college sports. When the NCAA tourney unfolds, it feels like the rest of the country is having a party without us.

I'm not buying that. There's absolutely nothing preventing you from turning on a freakin' TV set and tuning into these games. Since Thursday, I've watched about a dozen tournament games, and I'll agree that Zion Williamson is an awesome player. What Shank is trying to sell here, as usual, is lazy provincialism.

For folks in North Carolina, Kentucky, Indiana, and most of sports-watching America, the NCAA tourney is a three-week Super Bowl Sunday.

Not here. Sure, we have office pools and young folks obsessed with bracketology. Gamblers and fantasy players (is there any difference?) study every nuance of Gonzaga and Iowa State. But we have no dog in the fight.

Go, Northeastern!

Sticking To The Script

It's never too early for Shank to set up sky-high expectations for the New England Patriots, and you know one manner in which that narrative's established:

Tomato Can Formula never fails. Steelers and now Chiefs falling apart in front of our eyes. No good teams in AFC. Same old same old.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 15, 2019

DHL Dan LXXXII - Familiar With The Subject Matter

Shank's first subject in his most recent Picked Up Pieces column is one that's near and dear to his heart:

Red Sox seem a bit arrogant with this bullpen issue, and other thoughts

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Picked-up pieces from another 10 days hunkered down in the Fort . . .

■ The Red Sox are a wagon. They have 22 of 25 players back from a 119-win season. They have the best starting staff in baseball. They will score a ton of runs. Most of the competition in the American League stinks. The Sox are going to make the playoffs, even if everything goes wrong. They are vulnerable in only one area, and we all know what that is . . . the bullpen.

The bullpen wasn’t great last season, but Craig Kimbrel was out there, and so was hot-and-cold Joe Kelly. Now both are gone and the Sox have not addressed this area.

From there, Shank goes on to complain more about the bullpen situation, and a few others. But you probably knew that already.

The Obligatory Nathan Eovaldi Spring Training Column

And now for the next chapter in the series...

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The third game of the 2018 World Series changed Nathan Eovaldi’s life forever.

In one fateful night, the little-known righty from Texas became a hardball legend of almost mythic proportion. With the whole world watching and no one left in the Red Sox bullpen, Eovaldi morphed into Sidd Finch, Nuke LaLoosh, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

And it all happened on a night/morning in which he wound up being the losing pitcher.

Decent column actually, mostly because Shank doesn't fuck it up.

The Obligatory David Price Spring Training Column

Shank's back to writing about the Red Sox, albeit in a predictable spring training sort of way:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — It’s all quiet now for David Price. He is just another very good major league pitcher who makes a lot of money. He is just another World Series champ in a clubhouse with 21 other guys who can make the same claim. He is just another former Cy Young winner on a starting staff peppered with puffy résumés.

Perhaps most important, Price has passed the Boston pro sports terrible temperament torch to Kyrie Irving.

When discussing Price, no ever talks about Fortnite or Dennis Eckersley or postseason choking anymore. No one says, “Yuck.’’

Thanks for brining all of that stuff up again, Shank!

The Obligatory Chris Sale Spring Training Column

Well, what do you know? Shank's back to writing about current Red Sox players!

FORT MYERS, Fla. — The last time we saw Chris Sale on a mound pitching to real live hitters, he was blowing a pitch past Manny Machado (on bended knee) to close out the World Series while millions watched on television and thousands of citizens of Red Sox Nation cheered from the upper deck on the first-base side of Dodger Stadium.

Monday morning was a little different, as Sale trotted out to the mound on back field No. 4 (Eddie Popowski Field) in front of a hundred pasty snowbirds, slovenly sportswriters, one NESN camera, and a good portion of the Red Sox baseball brass gathered behind the home plate screen.

Who knew Shank is a 'slovenly sportswriter'?

The Obligatory... Yaz Spring Training Column?

Shank sure seems reluctant to write about current Red Sox players, doesn't he?

FORT MYERS, Fla. — Carl Yastrzemski is the greatest living Red Sox player. He’s rarely seen in Boston, isn’t sure he’ll ever return to Cooperstown, but feels the love every time he returns to Fenway Park to throw a ceremonial first pitch before yet another World Series victory.

“I’m undefeated!’’ Yaz says with a big smile as he recalls his ceremonial tosses.

Still worshipped in the church of Boston baseball, Yaz turns 80 in August. He just became a great-grandfather (“They don’t send the pictures to me because I don’t know how to get them off the telephone”), but he’s still working with young hitters in the Red Sox minor league complex at spring training.

Yastrzemski is our Koufax. Out of sight, never out of mind.

Dan Shaughnessy, Still An Asshole - XXVI

Once again, Shank cannot write a column about Dustin Pedroia without insult:

FORT MYERS, Fla. — We all know the little kid who loves baseball more than anything.

Maybe you were that kid. Maybe you walked around the house with a Wiffle Ball bat in your hand all day. Maybe you slept in your uniform the night before your first Little League game. Maybe you got a new mitt for Christmas and put a ball in it and tied it up for the winter so it would have a good pocket for spring. Or maybe you wore your baseball pants when you rode your bike to school.

Maybe those were things you watched your own kids do.

Thursday in Fort Myers, Dustin Pedroia was that kid.

Nearly every time Shank does a column on him, he needs to point out Pedroia's height. This time it was a sly, subtle dig, but it doesn't make Shank any less of a douchebag when he does it.

The rest of the column is a fucking insult.

Exasperation

This one fits with the pattern established in other years. Shank's first column this season about the Boston Celtics comes after they lose a bunch of games and their star player complaining about damn near everything:

Kyrie Irving is as exasperating as he is talented

“He’s never coached any player like me.”

— Kyrie Irving on Brad Stevens

Out for a cold morning jog a couple of days ago, I came across two neighbors on their daily walk, and they insisted I take a pause from my hideous daily mile.

“Please, answer one question,’’ said one of the walkers. “What’s up with Kyrie?’’

You're asking a guy who barely watches the Celtics?

We were just seconds into a discussion about the mercurial Celtics guard when another hearty soul, the guy who delivers the morning Globe in our hood, wheeled to a sudden stop, rolled down his window, and said, “Dan, are we gonna trade Kyrie?’’

Wonder if that opinion changed after the Celtics smoked Golden State last night? His opinion probably changes like Shank's - on a near daily basis.

Playing To His Strengths

Shank hasn't banged out a column in over a week, so his weekly radio appearance on 98.5 The Sports Hub left him without his usual script of regurgitating his column for the first couple of segments of the show.

But all is not lost! Who needs a script when you can just instead shit on one of the local sports teams who are in a recent tailspin?

On today with @ZoandBertrand from 11-1. Plenty of Celtic bashing. Dan's Dates around 12:50.

— Dan Shaughnessy (@Dan_Shaughnessy) March 4, 2019

Field of Genes

With Shank unable or unwilling to write about the 2019 Red Sox, we get the occasional column designed to make him not look like a relentlessly negative asshole.

For Rich and Caitlin Hill, the decision to launch the “Field of Genes” campaign with a $575,000 donation to support research on rare and undiagnosed genetic diseases at Massachusetts General Hospital for Children stems from the waves of shock and confusion that confronted them five years ago.

When Brooks Hill was born at MGH on Dec. 26, 2013, Caitlin immediately knew that something was wrong. The boy’s mother, a registered nurse, recognized a “delicate energy” in the delivery room.

Brooks didn’t cry without stimulation. He had cortical thumbs folded into his hands and contracted legs and arms. Though the birth had been induced a few weeks before Brooks’s due date because he was undersized, Caitlin heard the doctors whisper that the placenta was the size that would be found had her son reached full term.